Jon Acuff's Blog, page 134

Thank you Thursday!

One of the big reasons I get to write a blog, write books, and go speak places is because generous folks sponsor Stuff Christians Like.

My rules with partnering with sponsors are pretty simple:

1. Do they match the goal of SCL? (To clear away the clutter of Christianity so that we can see the beauty of Christ?)

2. Would my own family use the product, support the cause, wear the t-shirt, read the book, etc.?

3. Do I really think the sponsor has something that would add value to SCL readers?

I say no to 99% of the sponsors that approach us. (I know God made the mountains, but I just don't see how a harnessing rig for rappelling makes sense on SCL.)

But I'm honestly a big fan of the sponsors that we've worked with in June. Show them some love for the kindness they showed SCL this month by clicking on their links:

1. E-Mealz

2.
3. BASIC Series with Francis Chan

4. Forgive, Don't Forget

5. Priscilla Shirer SEED video series

6. Praxis

The chase.

A friend and I once ate a 9 pound lobster on Martha's Vineyard. It was the size of a small dog and had claws the size of my head. Later that day, a group of us toured the island on scooters named "Cobras," which immediately inspired us to pretend we were the Cobra Kai from The Karate Kid. We zipped around that island like 12 year olds, waving at guys on Harleys as if, despite the candy apple red paint and insanely small mopeds we were all on, we were part of a larger brotherhood of bikers. They did not wave back.

I was reminded of this moment a few weeks ago while going through some photos.

The design firm putting together the visual story for the Quitter Conference asked me to find some personal photos they could include in the presentation. I've never included visuals with any talks I've given so this is uncharted/awesome territory.

But as I flipped through photo albums representing the years 2000-2005, I kind of got sick to my stomach.

It felt like I was watching a slow failure parade stream by.

Looking at all the photos, I thought about all the bridges I had burned with my bad attitude. All the people I had hurt with my words. All the mistakes I had made. It wasn't a photo album. It was more like a crime scene report of wasted years. I pulled out one photo of me that made the one I posted last week look kindhearted. I showed it to my wife. Her reaction was immediate and visceral, "Ugh, I want to punch that guy in the face, don't you?"

I did. I really did, and lying in bed that night, I felt constricted by a comforter of shame. As I fell asleep, I started to have a dream about those photos.

I was in Venice, Italy (less you think I mean Venice Beach, California since I'm so muscular and prone to using outdoor gyms.)

I was crouched down behind a low stonewall, occasionally crawling up, lifting my head cautiously over the ledge, to peer out across the canal at a facing wall. I'm not sure what I was looking for, but when I sat back down behind the safety of the barrier, I saw someone else crouched near me.

I couldn't make out his face, he was covered in too many shadows, but he was watching and waiting for something too. The next time I looked over the wall, I saw what it was we were both anticipating. An army had suddenly amassed across the canal. Without warning, they opened fire on the guy next to me. Machine gun after machine gun, wave after wave of firepower rained down on the guy next to me. They started using cannons and bazookas and surface-to-air missiles.

And I was happy.

I hated that guy for some reason. He was everything I didn't want to be, everything I didn't like about me. And I thought to myself, "This time, they will get him. This time, he'll be killed. He'll be gone forever."

But as the smoke cleared and stray bullets continued to ricochet about the cobble stone streets, I saw him scurrying away. He hadn't even been hit! I chased after him, but he was too fast. He was always jumping just one ledge ahead of me. His feet knew the streets better than mine. He wove through crowded marketplaces and eventually dove in a canal, swimming away. Unscathed. Unharmed. Undeterred.

The more I thought about that dream, the more it felt like how my life unfolds sometimes.

When I look at photos of me from the past, I see the shadowed figure hiding behind the wall. I know he's elusive. I know he's tricky. But maybe this time, I'll be able to get rid of him.

If I write the right thing, maybe he'll go away. If I say the right thing or read the right book or pray the right thing or talk to the right person, maybe a bullet will finally catch him.

But then I lie again. Then I get fearful again and lash out at somebody. Then I make a mistake. Then I fail again, and the me I don't want to be flees through the city.

The progress I've made, the work I've done, the countless blogs I've written about how the old is gone and the new has come, feel for naught. He's loose in the streets, and I feel too weak to keep fighting.

I tell God, "I'm sorry. I thought I had him beat this time. I really did. By now, I shouldn't doubt you the way I do. I shouldn't chase after the things I do. If I were a better Christian, I'd stop getting these simple, fundamental things so wrong. I might be the worst Christian ever. I'm sorry I keep messing life up."

I expect him to give me a speech. A "Pick yourself up and chase him tomorrow. You've got to do better next time tiger" after-school-type moment. But that is not what I get. Instead, I get the Bible, and that messes everything up.

Here is what the Bible says about people like me, people who are continually messing up and having an impossible time being perfect:

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it (Paul's thorn in the flesh) away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Can we please agree that is ridiculous? We serve a God, who when confronted with our continual weakness replies, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Have you ever messed up, have you ever stumbled back into a hole you've been in 19 times before, and upon hitting the bottom, thought to yourself, "When I fell, I landed on grace, and right now, in this moment, God's power is being made perfect!"

I haven't! I am a works-based assassin trying to kill the me I don't want to be in the city of my life. But what if instead of taking out a gun, what if instead of grabbing a scalpel of effort every time I realize how weak I still am, I grabbed a banner?

A boastful banner like Paul grabbed in 2 Corinthians 12 that read:

"I am still weak! Grace is still sufficient! And God's power is being made perfect right now!"

That's where I'm headed in life.

More banners. Less guns.

More grace. Less works.

More boasting. Less hiding.

Want to come with me?

Merry Day after the Fourth of July!

Wait, huh? "Merry Day after the Fourth of July!" That's not even a real holiday. No, it's not. It's really not. But fear not, Stuff Christians Like will return tomorrow. Funnier than ever. Well, actually, tomorrow is Serious Wednesday, so it's probably more accurate to say it will return tomorrow "more introspectiver" than ever. But that's not even a word, is it?

It is on Merry Day after the Fourth of July! That's just the kind of thing you do on that crazy holiday I invented! I can't stop using exclamation points!

See you tomorrow!

Jon

Happy Fourth of July!

I hope you're enjoying some time off with friends and family. If you're located outside of the US, I hope you're enjoying Monday and perhaps looking forward to a national holiday of your own like Boxers Rebellion Day.

Normal Stuff Christians Like will resume on Wednesday, July 6th.

See you then!

The "Everyone is on vacation, anything goes" church service. (AKA tomorrow.)

(I can't believe we've been kicking around this site for 3 years. It's become a tradition that 4th of July weekend I repost the piece that started the Skittles running joke and let the cat out of the bag about how church is going to be. Consider this your guide to what's going to happen at your church tomorrow if you live in the United States.)

It is a poorly kept secret that the day before a big holiday, your church is going to do things a little differently than on most Sundays. That is, with a large portion of the congregation out on vacation, they're going to mix it up a little.

For instance, at a lot of churches, the younger ministers are always asked to preach the day before Memorial Day. Senior pastors know that it's a lot safer to have some rough-around-the-edges minister saying something crazy to 400 people than 800 people. Same goes with music. Go tomorrow (in the United States) and you're bound to see some guy who's always been in the background step forward for a totally unexpected guitar solo. Or a woman that's always wanted to lead worship will suddenly be behind the mic for the first time.

I call it "Day Before Vacation Syndrome" or DBVS. (Not to be confused with DVS)

And because I am a huge dork, I thought I would offer 8 ways your church can spice up tomorrow and avoid DBVS:

1. Controversy

Since a lot of folks won't be in church because they are out on vacation, use this opportunity to address all of the most controversial issues. Talk about politics, popular books, and anything else that otherwise would get the crowd riled up and upset. That way, whenever someone says, "I wish this church was not so seeker-focused and dealt with some of the tough issues," you can reply, "You must have not been here for obamadrugssex Sunday."

2. Snakes

Ever thought about incorporating some pit vipers into your service? Why not on the Sunday when everyone is out of town? I don't know where you can buy a "bag o' rattlers" but surely someone near you sells poisonous snakes. By the way, I don't mean to be selfish, but it would really help me out if someone could invite me to a church service where they handled snakes. I'm dying to write about that but won't unless I've actually gone to a service.

3. Church Sumo Wrestling

At every church there are little church politics that no one wants to talk about. The worship minister wants to do more modern songs than the pastor will allow. The elders think the pastor needs to do more Old Testament and less Seinfeld references. The janitor is still mad at everyone over the "glue incident" of 1978. Get those big blow-up sumo costumes you can rent, a huge tube of bootleg jello (this a church after all), and then have everyone settle their differences. How cool would it be to see the super happy pastor's wife leg drop the super grumpy elder that is always a jerk to her husband?

4. Skittles

Why not throw Skittles out during the service? Instead of saying, "watch this" or "listen to this" or "are you tracking with me" or another phrase that is designed to get people's attention, why not throw handfuls of skittles at them? Wouldn't you love to be hit in the side of the head with a bunch of fruit candy delightfulness? I would.

5. Weird instruments

Ever wondered what an accordion and triangle version of the song, "I Can Only Imagine" would sound like? Got a kid in youth group that is really good at beat box? Do you need more cowbell but are afraid most people would hate it? Well, they're all on vacation. Get the accordion out. It's go time.

6. Practice Christmas

Next to Easter, the Christmas service might be the most important one you do. So why not do a dry run in July and make sure everything goes well? Just consider it a practice. Do the candles with kids, hang some holly, sing carols, do the whole thing up. Then, that way, when the real Christmas rolls around, you'll be ready. Don't tell anyone it's a practice. Just do it as if it's a normal thing to do. The look on the face of your visitors and members who show up and find themselves singing "Oh Holy Night" in the middle of the summer will be worth it.

7. Haikus

Do the entire sermon in haiku. It's not as hard as you think. Here's an example: Jesus was so cool (5 syllables) He gave His life for our sins (7 syllables) Let's be close to him (5 syllables)

8. Have an "SCL Sunday"

Why not throw a "Stuff Christians Like" service? We'll play Sandi Patty and Carman songs. We'll take a love offering and interlink our fingers when we hold hands. We'll get a puppet group, named "Strings of Mercy," to come do the Noah's Ark story and then I'll speak. It will be fantastic.

I would do some pop and lock breakdancing tomorrow in the hallway if Cross Point did any one of these ideas. If they don't, I'm going to do that mime move where you pretend to be stuck in an invisible box. Mime is the opposite of breakdancing.

p.s. There are two things that go without saying: 1. I can't promise that your church will use any of these tips. 2. I can promise that the church I start, GracePointeLifeTruthHouseNorthRiverElevate, will use all of them.

Taking seat saving to an art form.

(It's guest post Friday! Here's one from Jessie Costin, a teacher and fantastic blogger. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here's how.)

Taking seat saving to an art form. – By Jessie Costin

If you've ever been to a church-related event, like a conference or youth rally, you may have noticed a battleground that has nothing to do with the spiritual realm.

It's seat saving. This happens in church as well, but it is at Christian events that the battle reaches fever pitch. Christians have seat saving down to a fine art. In no other community of people could such a ferocious rush to save seats be followed by such a polite respect. "Oh, your shoelace is on the seat? Excuse me, I'll go elsewhere."

Christians like to travel in packs, but they are also notorious for running late. As a result, we developed systems and practices that enable us to all arrive 5 minutes after the start of the event and still be able to sit together as close to the front as possible. This creates the phenomenon where the whole auditorium appears empty, when actually the only seat available is way in the back, behind a pillar where you can't actually see anything.

To be successful, if you dare to try it, here are a few rules of engagement you should know when it comes to seat saving:

1. Choose Your Hero

The choice of designated seat saver, or DSS, is critical.

• They should be dependable: You need to be able to rely on this person to show up early for the event.

• They should be an Olympic sprinter: You need them to get to the best seats faster than anyone else.

• They should be small: You need them to be able to slip through the crowds easily and fit down the narrow rows faster than anyone else.

• They should be tough and merciless: You can't have someone who is going to crumble under the pressure or balk at pushing in front of little old ladies.

2. Know Your Arsenal

As long as you get something on that seat before someone else does, it's yours. Your arsenal includes any removable piece of clothing. Scarves are particularly useful, and the longer the better. If you stretch it out, you can pretty much save the whole row in one go. Water bottles, jackets, handbags, bulletins. Anything is acceptable.

And the big guns in your arsenal? It's not actually Bibles, as you may suspect. The untouchable seat saving weapon? Journals. No one will dare touch someone else's journal. It doesn't matter if it's actually full of nonsense doodles you've done during a long church service; to others, it will have the same effect as if Jesus himself saved that seat.

3. Tactics

• Reconnaissance:

Getting the lay of the land beforehand is important, so that your DSS can make straight for the best seats without hesitation. If you've never been to the venue before, and it's in a church, consider sending your DSS on an undercover mission one Sunday prior to the event.

• Develop your moves:

The "Come From Behind" move should be in every Seat Saver's playbook. This is effective when everyone is in a bottleneck trying to get into a row of good seats. Your maneuver should be to slip into the rows behind, and throw down your weapons (aka scarves and journals) over the backs of the seats. Everyone will sigh and grumble, and you won't be the favorite person in the room, but they will cooperatively back out of the row.

• Just go for it:

All bets are off until the seats are saved. Don't be shy, and don't hesitate. It may be an angry, ugly scene during the early stages of the seat saving battle. But, once your stuff is on the seat, everyone will politely recognize your claim without protest. (And anyone who does protest is shunned into silence.)

Everyone knows, once there's something on the seat, it's taken. No matter what. (Except when it's 10 minutes into the event and the person with the microphone on the platform says "Move to the middle of the rows so we can fill in the empty seats." At that stage, if your people aren't in, the battle is lost. The person with the microphone must be obeyed.)

Do you have any other tactics or hints of your own?

(For more great stuff from Jessie, check out her blog, www.jessiecostin.com)

Here's what you missed from me this month!

It's been a busy month of writing, speaking and breakdancing.

Here are a few things you might have missed from June.

From JonAcuff.com

Please shut up.

3 letters that will radically improve every blog and tweet you ever write

Kevin Smith & holding on to criticism

From StuffChristiansLike.net

Calling your wife your "bride"

Complaining

Speaking authoritatively on books you haven't read

Miscellaneous Awesomeness

3 Ways to Kill the Biggest Voice of Doubt Leaders Hear, for Catalyst

5 Tips to Land Your Dream Job, my first appearance on Fox & Friends

Ditch That Day Job For Your Dream Job, my second appearance on Fox & Friends

Preaching from an easel or a whiteboard.

Want to know a secret trick I do in meetings? (No, it's not where I try to see how many glasses of water I can drink. I quit doing that years ago, but I promise I would still whup you in that game. Don't make me come out of retirement.)

When I'm writing on a whiteboard, if I find myself stuck in the middle of a word I can't spell, I just abbreviate the word wherever I am.

So for instance, let's say I boldly start to scribble the word "maintenance" in dry erase marker but realize in the middle that I have never spelled that word correctly. As soon as I realize I'm stuck, I'll just write "maint." Or the name Isaiah, a name I've spelled correctly twice in my life, I'd just write "Isa."

If anyone questions me about what those invented abbreviations mean, I kind of just look at them like, "Really? I'm too busy to be writing out whole words. I'll write it out if that's what you're asking me to do. It will cripple our productivity in this meeting, but I'll do it."

You probably don't need to do that ever. You probably never put an "e" in the word "judgment" or get terrified when you stumble your way into trying to spell "conscientious" or "accommodate," but I do. Which is one of the reasons I'm glad I'm not a pastor right now.

One of the things that's gaining momentum is preaching from an easel or a whiteboard.

Inspired perhaps by comedian Dimitri Martin or that UPS guy with the really nice hair, pastors all over the country are drawing notes in the middle of sermons.

If you haven't experienced this yet, here are a few things you'll notice when you do:

1. The disclaimer.

The very first thing that pastors say when they draw on an easel or a whiteboard is, "I'm horrible at drawing. This is going to be my very poor attempt at drawing what the world looks like." As soon as they say this, you will think to yourself, "If you're horrible at it, why are you doing it? If you were horrible at juggling swords, you wouldn't do that on stage." You probably won't think that second sentence unless you have the extensive sword background I have, but you will definitely think that first one. It's a very confusing way to start a sermon.

2. The marker will either be the size of your leg or microscopic.

I'm not sure where churches are buying these markers they're using, but they only come in two sizes: Tree Trunk and Invisible. Your pastor will either be drawing up there with a marker so big it looks like it was a support column for the building prior to serving as a marker, or one that is so small you can't see it and the notes appear to be flowing from his fingers as if by magic.

3. The easel will constantly look like it is on the verge of collapsing.

Is there anything flimsier than a three-legged easel? (Brian Regan does a brilliant bit on the ridiculous design of an ironing board, so yes, yes there is.) But I still contend that the easel always looks like it's on the edge of collapse. Don't get distracted by this. Don't watch for structural issues with the easel. You'll miss the sermon.

4. Someone near you will worry that the pastor will actually draw something inappropriate.

Not you. You'd never worry about that. You left that sort of behavior behind you in junior high. When a weather man does this and draws something he didn't anatomically mean to draw, you never laugh inside. But other people, sinners, they'll be worried that the pastor will make just such a slip up and go viral for all the wrong reasons.

Those predictions are rock solid. They will happen if your pastor uses an easel or a whiteboard during a sermon. Unless they're pre-drawn. Some pastors have their notes pre-written and pre-drawn by someone with ridiculously beautiful penmanship. And I'm OK with that. I think that still counts. What I'm not OK with is that no church is using those markers from the show "Picture Pages" with Bill Cosby. Remember those? They made music when you'd draw with them? I love those.

Question:

Have you ever seen a pastor speak from a whiteboard or an easel?

Family Christian Stores Picks Up Quitter!

One of the questions I've been getting is "Where can I walk into a store and buy your new book Quitter?" That's a great question, perhaps second only to, "Where can I walk into a store and buy a case of your new book Quitter?"

I'm happy to announce that Family Christians Stores is now carrying Quitter. I'm really grateful that they decided to carry it.

Click here to find a location near you.

Or

to order Quitter online from Family Christian Stores.

The problem with punctuation.

Sometimes, when I speak about social media at conferences, I talk about the Most Interesting Man in the World commercials. Dos Equis put them together, and they are hilarious. In them, a parade of over-the-top statements are thrown out about a bearded James Bond-type guy.

They say things like:

His words carry weight that would break a less interesting man's jaw.

He bowls … overhand.

His blood smells like cologne.

Sharks have a week dedicated to him.

He never says anything tastes like chicken. Not even chicken.

On and on these statements go. And as funny as they are, that's not what I talk about when I speak on social media. The sentence in the commercial I find so interesting is the one The Most Interesting Man in the World says. Here's what he proclaims when he looks at the camera and ends the commercial:

"I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis."

That sentence is a wild departure from traditional beer advertising. In the 1980s, Miller Lite had commercials where people got in fist fights about why they drank their product. "Tastes Great! Less Filling!" And in the Dos Equis spot? The main character is saying he doesn't even use the product all the time. Not only that, he uses the word "prefer."

That's an incredibly weak word. He doesn't say, "I've got to have" or "I love" or "I need." He says "I prefer." To test how soft that word is, guys, go home to your wives tonight and say, "Out of all the women I saw today, I prefer you. Baby, I prefer you." Let me know if that "fills her bucket" or speaks her "love language."

Of course it won't. The difference between "I prefer" and "I love" is gigantic. Word choice makes all the difference in the world when it comes to really communicating. And sometimes, punctuation is just as important.

I thought about that recently when I realized I was reading the Bible with the wrong punctuation. Maybe I was just reading too quickly. Maybe I wasn't paying attention. Maybe I grew up thinking that God was serious and boring. He wore quiet, baby blue suits and sang hymns that wouldn't elevate your heartbeat. Yeah, he invented lightning, but he's a little embarrassed about that. It's so bright and flashy, which isn't like him at all.

He's not an exclamation God!

He's a period God.

Maybe a comma God,

Or a semicolon God;

Or a God devoid of all punctuation in the original scrolls of the Bible

But certainly not an exclamation God!

That's how I've read the Bible for years. God might have been loud and big in the Old Testament when he was angry, but when it comes to his love, he's quiet. Like a willow tree figurine or a tiny porcelain angel that sits on your grandmother's mantle.

But lately, I've had a hard time ignoring the exclamations. They don't feel nearly as invisible to me as they used to.

Here are just a few examples:

Isaiah 30:18

Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you;

he rises to show you compassion.

For the Lord is a God of justice.

Blessed are all who wait for him!

John 16:33

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

Isaiah 43:19

See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the desert

and streams in the wasteland.

Philippians 4:2

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

Can you hear those? Those aren't quiet verses from a quiet God. They're loud. They feel shouted, as if from a God whose love is louder than even the most cluttered day and broken life.

Blessed are all who wait for him!

But take heart!

The old has gone, the new has come!

See, I am doing a new thing!

Rejoice!

Over and over and over again, the !!! cannot be stopped in the Bible. But when I look at my own life, I'm not so sure.

How would I punctuate my faith?

Do I live with exclamation?

Do I pray with exclamation?

Do I worship with exclamation?

Or instead, do I ever give into the routines of faith? Do I go through the motions and finish the sentences of my life with periods and commas. Do I forget that praying is talking with the Alpha and Omega? Do I take for granted the wonder and the mystery and the majesty of God, even as I try to urge readers of this blog to live loud lives that exclaim who he is?

Sometimes I think I do, but each exclamation I find in the Bible makes my ordinary faith difficult to maintain.

And so my new prayer is that I would not be blind to the times God calls me to exclaim. Because there's much more at stake than simple punctuation.