Jon Acuff's Blog, page 134

Saying "I'll ask God that when I'm in heaven."

I can probably build a better fort than you.

I'm not talking about a pillow fort. The average orangutan can throw one of those things together with enough couch pillows. I'm talking about in the woods, with sticks and leaves and acorns to throw at people. You don't throw acorns at people? You're missing out on half the fun of having a fort.

My daughters are entering "fort age," a season of life I just invented, so we're spending a lot of time outside. A few weeks ago, after a backyard adventure, we found a tick crawling on my youngest daughter's dress. I flicked it off, stabbed it with a stick, burned it with a match, and chopped its head off in a tiny French guillotine. Ticks are harder to kill than Jason from the Friday the 13th movies.

As I went through this elaborate routine, my friend Todd said, "I'm going to ask God about ticks when I'm in heaven." And he's right. That's one of those things you'll want some clarity on.

Why ticks? What's that about? What do they possibly offer the planet? Did Adam name them in the garden of Eden? Are ticks post-fall? They have to be. They are pure evil, right?

So many questions … that will have to wait until heaven.

Have you ever said that, "I'll ask God that when I'm in heaven?"

I have. In fact, I have a "heaven questions" list. Here are a few items I plan on clearing up once I'm flip kicking my Rob Roskopp Santa Cruz skateboard through the streets of gold. (That's how I'm getting around.)

1. Mosquitoes, why?

Again with the bugs, but every summer I think about this one. Why did God create mosquitoes? That I'm aware of there is nothing redeeming about the mosquito. It spreads malaria. It lives to drink your blood. There's not another species who eat it exclusively. If you told me, "Well Jon, without mosquitoes we wouldn't have the majestic 'mosquito-eating hummingbird' of Madagascar," I might understand. Or I'd be OK with them if, when they flew, their tiny mosquito wings made music. But they don't, and even their sound is annoying. I bet they're jerks too. Probably horrible tippers. So when I'm in heaven, I'm going to ask about mosquitoes.

2. Unicorns, where did they go?

When I was a kid, the Barnum and Bailey circus traveled the country with a "unicorn." I use quotes there so that you will read that word "unicorn" as "pale white goat with one horn." Doesn't that sound cuddly and My Little Ponyish? It wasn't. It was a little terrifying. But what if? What if they did miss the last call for the ark? And all these years, we've been stuck with a unicornless existence because, although they were blessed with beauty, the unicorn was horrible at keeping appointments? I'll clear that one up in heaven.

3. Calvinism, what's your take God?

Aren't you curious about this one? I am. That might actually be the first question I ask God when I get to heaven. What's his opinion? I have friends who are really divided on this topic. It will be nice to have that one settled once and for all.

Those are three of my "when I'm in heaven" questions.

How about you?

Got anything you're planning to ask God about when you're in heaven?

A better way to do mission trip fundraising.

On May 27, 2008, I posted a mission trip fundraising letter that people could use as a template. Here is how it started:

Dear _______,

I never write you letters.

That's a weird way to open a mission trip letter. My youth minister/pastor gave me a form letter to follow but that felt even weirder. The truth is that I don't write anyone letters and if I opened up this letter by pretending this is just the latest in a long chain of correspondence we've kept up oh these many years, that would feel as fake as when people run out of things to say and ask you questions like, "hot enough for you?"

On the downside, my letter rambled a bit, but on the plus side it did not include the "Pretend You Don't Care about the Money Line." You know the one, it's what I wrapped up a dozen fundraising letters with in the seventh grade:

"Whether or not you are able to support the trip, I would greatly appreciate your prayers."

Asking for money is awkward. It changes your intimacy level with someone. That's why even pastors do the tithing disclaimer when they preach about money, "I never normally talk about money…except today." And asking for money feels hard sometimes.

I wrote that post three years ago as a satirical way to say, "Is there a different way to do mission trip fundraising?" Despite the clear awesomeness of the solution I provided, after talking to Razoo about this sponsored post, I think they might have something better to offer you than I did.

Here's a quick look at what Razoo does:

Here are what I think are the coolest things you can do with Razoo:

1. Receive donations securely from your donors.

2. Keep track of each team member's progress.

3. Save time and headaches by eliminating all the paperwork.

4. Focus on the trip, not the fundraising of the trip.

Here's basically how you do it:

1. You set up a page.

Your team leader sets up a team page on Razoo. Then he/she invites other team members to set up their own personalized fundraising pages. You can easily add photos and videos to your page to tell the story of the trip. (It is very difficult to add a video to a traditional paper-based fundraising letter.)

2. You launch the promotion.

We live in a social media world. You're going to share your photos and your stories about the trip via Facebook, Twitter and blogs. Why wouldn't we use those same tools to raise money for the trip? That's why Razoo provides everything you need to promote your page. Each Razoo page is built to share on Facebook, Twitter, and email, making it easier for fundraisers like you to connect with your circle of family and friends.

3. You laugh at the paperwork you used to do.

That's not technically a step, but you'll probably still want to do it because Razoo handles all the annoying record-keeping you used to do. Razoo takes care of the tax-deductible receipts, sending a receipt to each donor's inbox immediately after they donate. They also hook you up with an Excel spreadsheet telling you where every dollar you raised came from and what page it came through.

If you've got mission trips coming up later this summer or fall or whenever, give Razoo a try. My attempt to fix the mission trip fundraising letter dilemma was inelegant and prone to result in $0 raised for you. Razoo, on the other hand, is a great solution.

Question:

Have you ever gone on a mission trip?

The 4 Types of Christian Newlyweds (and 1 bonus couple)

(It's guest post Friday! Here's one from Kyle Porter who writes a blog with his wife called Our Marriage Project.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here's how.)

The 4 Types of Christian Newlyweds (and 1 bonus couple) – By Kyle Porter

Hi my name is Kyle. I have a marriage blog where I (along with my wife) tell stories. We do our best to give people advice and tips on how to have a successful marriage or relationship. I've been married four months, and I have no idea what I'm talking about, so said advice should be taken with a bucket of salt. In my 120+ days of marriage, my wife and I have encountered some interesting couples, but none more interesting than these four (plus a bonus).

I'd like to designate these couples with some cool alliterative name like the "Fab Four" or my "Final Four," but since those are already taken, I decided to go with the much less alliterative but more specific, "Four Christian Newlywed Couples + 1 Borderline Christian Newlywed Couple You're Sure To Encounter In The Christian Community"

1. The Homeschooled Couple

As a fellow homeschooler myself, I can spot homeschooled couples at distances from which most people would be in need of a high-resolution telescope. I know what you're thinking: The easiest ways to spot them are the classic signs like: ankle-length dresses in any and all social settings, uncomfortable jokes about life without electricity, and his and hers "I heart my co-op" bracelets. But with homeschooling growing in popularity and it becoming a much more normal option, those signs don't work anymore. Instead, listen to see if they exchange love affirmations like, "I love you more than I loved my 7th grade Saxon math book" or "our wedding ceremony was so much more romantic than my faux high school graduation." You know, silly barbs like that. Difficulty to spot: 1 (1-10 scale)

2. The Irresistible Couple

With all due respect to Shane Claiborne and his revolution, this is the couple who scanned TOMS and fair trade coffee for their wedding registry. This couple may or may not have 1 collective job between both of them but definitely owns a $3,000+ point-and-shoot camera. Walk into any coffee shop in the U.S. that plays Jack Johnson or something more hippie and you're guaranteed to encounter this couple. This couple could talk for days about the amount of money they've donated to Kiva. This couple means well, they really do, but they're in a v-neck-and-v-neck battle for the easiest Christian newlywed couple to spot with the homeschooled couple. Difficulty to spot: 2 (Homeschooled couple wins because they usually make their own lye for household soap products, which is a dead giveaway when you have dinner at their house and have to use the restroom.)

3. The Wild At Heart Couple

We've all experienced the Wild at Heart couple. You might not have known it at the time, but you have. He leads 3 men's breakfast accountability groups. She texts with Karen Kingsbury and helps create content for future productions of "Every Woman's Battle." He and she both more than likely serve on the parking/children's/kids/middle school/ usher teams at church. Having 3+ mentor couples and 5+ couples they're mentoring is not unusual for this couple. This couple shattered the previous record scores for the E portion of their Myers-Briggs premarital testing. Difficulty to spot: 4

4. The Granola Couple

This Christian couple may or may not have been married in a barn next to a stream in northwestern Colorado. This couple's idea of a romantic honeymoon is repelling and bouldering their way up Mt. Kilimanjaro, followed by a quick snowboard run through the Swiss Alps on their way back to the States. This couple usually resides in one of the following cities: Boulder, CO | Portland, OR | Seattle, WA | San Francisco, CA. If this couple resides in a city outside of one of these, it is usually assumed that they are on a temporary non-granola sabbatical in which they participate in inane activities like showering, eating un-whole foods, and being within a 5-mile radius of Starbucks. This couple can be the hardest to spot because you may be enamored with their apparent sense of adventure. Don't be fooled. Difficulty to spot: 6

5. The Online Church Couple (bonus)

This is a fairly recent development in the Christian couple community, considering how new online church is. Meeting this couple feels shady, even if it isn't. Questions that may flood your mind when you meet the OCC: "Did you meet in a prayer chat room?" "Did you meet in person before the wedding?" "Did you get married in Second Life, or is this legitimate?" "Did you click a button that said 'I do' at your wedding, or did you actually say the words out loud?" This couple is one of the easiest to spot (if you can break into their fortress) because they hand out iPads at their front door for other couples to communicate with when they come over for dinner. Their idea of "game night" is syncing their home LAN and getting after it. This Christian couple makes up the smallest percentage of Christian couples but attributes the most to Christian stereotypes. They're like the relational version of the 20/80 tithe theory. Difficulty to spot: 3 (How can you spot them if they never leave their house?)

Those are the Christian couples we've spotted in our short time of marriage. What couples have you run into?

(For more awesome stuff from Kyle, check out his blog, Our Marriage Project)

Sneaking out of church early.

This isn't a post so much as it is a promise.

Nah, it's more of a threat. And here it is:

If I speak at your church, and I catch you leaving early during the closing prayer, I'm calling you out from stage.

There, I feel better already.

At some churches, it's pretty common for folks to want to sneak out early before the service ends. In the south, this happens because if you show up late to Sunday lunch at Shoney's, someone will stab you with a sharpened spoon over a piece of strawberry pie. If you go to a big church, this happens because you'll sit in church traffic for a while trying to get home. If you've got your kids in sports leagues, this happens because apparently the Lord's day is the only day they can schedule tournament games. (I was going to say "Sweet Baby Jesus' Day," but that felt like even too much fake guilt for me.)

And so, during the last prayer or song, it's common for people to duck out early. To get a little headstart on the crowd. When I've personally done it,  my thought was, "I don't need to hear the altar call. I'm already in. I'm saved. Time to bounce."

But a few weeks ago, I spoke at a church and noticed that people were jetting during the salvation prayer I was doing at the end. Now at this particular church, they have commitment cards you fill out, which basically gives the church a chance to follow up with you and reach out if you want to talk with someone. I was supposed to say, "put the commitment cards in the boxes by the exits." I did this for three services. But, by the fourth, I could no longer contain myself and instead said, "Please drop off your commitment cards in the boxes, which are right next to the people who are sneaking out early."

The church erupted in laughter. It was a fun moment. And that might happen if I speak at your church in the future.

How can you prevent getting called out by me?

1. Yell "Ambulance."

Maybe it's an emergency. Maybe you just got a call from someone at the hospital. Maybe Lassie slunk into service, pulled at your pants leg, and gave you the "Timmy's in the well, again," eyes. Who am I to call you out for that? So if you could just yell "Ambulance! Ambulance!" while you walked out, that would alert me that there was an emergency and save both of us some embarrassment.

2. Be a visitor.

Isn't calling someone out from stage a great way to let people know they are welcome at your church? Isn't that warm and friendly and ragamuffin gospelish of me? Of course not. If you're a visitor, I promise not to call you out, ever, for anything. If, on the other hand, you're going to read the title of this post, skip this paragraph, and then basically tell me "this is why people hate church" in the comments, you're getting a double call out. Like a double decker bus in London or a Double Stuf Oreo in the seventh grade.

3. Go fast.

If you're able to exit the service like a sleek jungle cat through palm fronds or a coyote sneaking up on a chicken (if you prefer Grand Canyon similes instead of Tropic of Capricorn similes,) I can respect that. When I open my eyes after praying and all I see is a dust outline of you, like in the Road Runner cartoons, I'll shake my head and simply say to myself, "Well played sir. Well played indeed."

There you go. Three perfectly legit ways to avoid a sneaking out early call out.

If you still sneak out and don't do one of the three things I've mentioned, well, I've got one thing to tell you:

"It is on like a taller-than-you'd-expect gorilla." (Nintendo trademarked, "On like Donkey Kong®." My hands are tied people.)

Question:

Have you ever ducked out of church early?

Thank you Thursday!

One of the big reasons I get to write a blog, write books, and go speak places is because generous folks sponsor Stuff Christians Like.

My rules with partnering with sponsors are pretty simple:

1. Do they match the goal of SCL? (To clear away the clutter of Christianity so that we can see the beauty of Christ?)

2. Would my own family use the product, support the cause, wear the t-shirt, read the book, etc.?

3. Do I really think the sponsor has something that would add value to SCL readers?

I say no to 99% of the sponsors that approach us. (I know God made the mountains, but I just don't see how a harnessing rig for rappelling makes sense on SCL.)

But I'm honestly a big fan of the sponsors that we've worked with in June. Show them some love for the kindness they showed SCL this month by clicking on their links:

1. E-Mealz

2.
3. BASIC Series with Francis Chan

4. Forgive, Don't Forget

5. Priscilla Shirer SEED video series

6. Praxis

The chase.

A friend and I once ate a 9 pound lobster on Martha's Vineyard. It was the size of a small dog and had claws the size of my head. Later that day, a group of us toured the island on scooters named "Cobras," which immediately inspired us to pretend we were the Cobra Kai from The Karate Kid. We zipped around that island like 12 year olds, waving at guys on Harleys as if, despite the candy apple red paint and insanely small mopeds we were all on, we were part of a larger brotherhood of bikers. They did not wave back.

I was reminded of this moment a few weeks ago while going through some photos.

The design firm putting together the visual story for the Quitter Conference asked me to find some personal photos they could include in the presentation. I've never included visuals with any talks I've given so this is uncharted/awesome territory.

But as I flipped through photo albums representing the years 2000-2005, I kind of got sick to my stomach.

It felt like I was watching a slow failure parade stream by.

Looking at all the photos, I thought about all the bridges I had burned with my bad attitude. All the people I had hurt with my words. All the mistakes I had made. It wasn't a photo album. It was more like a crime scene report of wasted years. I pulled out one photo of me that made the one I posted last week look kindhearted. I showed it to my wife. Her reaction was immediate and visceral, "Ugh, I want to punch that guy in the face, don't you?"

I did. I really did, and lying in bed that night, I felt constricted by a comforter of shame. As I fell asleep, I started to have a dream about those photos.

I was in Venice, Italy (less you think I mean Venice Beach, California since I'm so muscular and prone to using outdoor gyms.)

I was crouched down behind a low stonewall, occasionally crawling up, lifting my head cautiously over the ledge, to peer out across the canal at a facing wall. I'm not sure what I was looking for, but when I sat back down behind the safety of the barrier, I saw someone else crouched near me.

I couldn't make out his face, he was covered in too many shadows, but he was watching and waiting for something too. The next time I looked over the wall, I saw what it was we were both anticipating. An army had suddenly amassed across the canal. Without warning, they opened fire on the guy next to me. Machine gun after machine gun, wave after wave of firepower rained down on the guy next to me. They started using cannons and bazookas and surface-to-air missiles.

And I was happy.

I hated that guy for some reason. He was everything I didn't want to be, everything I didn't like about me. And I thought to myself, "This time, they will get him. This time, he'll be killed. He'll be gone forever."

But as the smoke cleared and stray bullets continued to ricochet about the cobble stone streets, I saw him scurrying away. He hadn't even been hit! I chased after him, but he was too fast. He was always jumping just one ledge ahead of me. His feet knew the streets better than mine. He wove through crowded marketplaces and eventually dove in a canal, swimming away. Unscathed. Unharmed. Undeterred.

The more I thought about that dream, the more it felt like how my life unfolds sometimes.

When I look at photos of me from the past, I see the shadowed figure hiding behind the wall. I know he's elusive. I know he's tricky. But maybe this time, I'll be able to get rid of him.

If I write the right thing, maybe he'll go away. If I say the right thing or read the right book or pray the right thing or talk to the right person, maybe a bullet will finally catch him.

But then I lie again. Then I get fearful again and lash out at somebody. Then I make a mistake. Then I fail again, and the me I don't want to be flees through the city.

The progress I've made, the work I've done, the countless blogs I've written about how the old is gone and the new has come, feel for naught. He's loose in the streets, and I feel too weak to keep fighting.

I tell God, "I'm sorry. I thought I had him beat this time. I really did. By now, I shouldn't doubt you the way I do. I shouldn't chase after the things I do. If I were a better Christian, I'd stop getting these simple, fundamental things so wrong. I might be the worst Christian ever. I'm sorry I keep messing life up."

I expect him to give me a speech. A "Pick yourself up and chase him tomorrow. You've got to do better next time tiger" after-school-type moment. But that is not what I get. Instead, I get the Bible, and that messes everything up.

Here is what the Bible says about people like me, people who are continually messing up and having an impossible time being perfect:

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it (Paul's thorn in the flesh) away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Can we please agree that is ridiculous? We serve a God, who when confronted with our continual weakness replies, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Have you ever messed up, have you ever stumbled back into a hole you've been in 19 times before, and upon hitting the bottom, thought to yourself, "When I fell, I landed on grace, and right now, in this moment, God's power is being made perfect!"

I haven't! I am a works-based assassin trying to kill the me I don't want to be in the city of my life. But what if instead of taking out a gun, what if instead of grabbing a scalpel of effort every time I realize how weak I still am, I grabbed a banner?

A boastful banner like Paul grabbed in 2 Corinthians 12 that read:

"I am still weak! Grace is still sufficient! And God's power is being made perfect right now!"

That's where I'm headed in life.

More banners. Less guns.

More grace. Less works.

More boasting. Less hiding.

Want to come with me?

Merry Day after the Fourth of July!

Wait, huh? "Merry Day after the Fourth of July!" That's not even a real holiday. No, it's not. It's really not. But fear not, Stuff Christians Like will return tomorrow. Funnier than ever. Well, actually, tomorrow is Serious Wednesday, so it's probably more accurate to say it will return tomorrow "more introspectiver" than ever. But that's not even a word, is it?

It is on Merry Day after the Fourth of July! That's just the kind of thing you do on that crazy holiday I invented! I can't stop using exclamation points!

See you tomorrow!

Jon

Happy Fourth of July!

I hope you're enjoying some time off with friends and family. If you're located outside of the US, I hope you're enjoying Monday and perhaps looking forward to a national holiday of your own like Boxers Rebellion Day.

Normal Stuff Christians Like will resume on Wednesday, July 6th.

See you then!

The "Everyone is on vacation, anything goes" church service. (AKA tomorrow.)

(I can't believe we've been kicking around this site for 3 years. It's become a tradition that 4th of July weekend I repost the piece that started the Skittles running joke and let the cat out of the bag about how church is going to be. Consider this your guide to what's going to happen at your church tomorrow if you live in the United States.)

It is a poorly kept secret that the day before a big holiday, your church is going to do things a little differently than on most Sundays. That is, with a large portion of the congregation out on vacation, they're going to mix it up a little.

For instance, at a lot of churches, the younger ministers are always asked to preach the day before Memorial Day. Senior pastors know that it's a lot safer to have some rough-around-the-edges minister saying something crazy to 400 people than 800 people. Same goes with music. Go tomorrow (in the United States) and you're bound to see some guy who's always been in the background step forward for a totally unexpected guitar solo. Or a woman that's always wanted to lead worship will suddenly be behind the mic for the first time.

I call it "Day Before Vacation Syndrome" or DBVS. (Not to be confused with DVS)

And because I am a huge dork, I thought I would offer 8 ways your church can spice up tomorrow and avoid DBVS:

1. Controversy

Since a lot of folks won't be in church because they are out on vacation, use this opportunity to address all of the most controversial issues. Talk about politics, popular books, and anything else that otherwise would get the crowd riled up and upset. That way, whenever someone says, "I wish this church was not so seeker-focused and dealt with some of the tough issues," you can reply, "You must have not been here for obamadrugssex Sunday."

2. Snakes

Ever thought about incorporating some pit vipers into your service? Why not on the Sunday when everyone is out of town? I don't know where you can buy a "bag o' rattlers" but surely someone near you sells poisonous snakes. By the way, I don't mean to be selfish, but it would really help me out if someone could invite me to a church service where they handled snakes. I'm dying to write about that but won't unless I've actually gone to a service.

3. Church Sumo Wrestling

At every church there are little church politics that no one wants to talk about. The worship minister wants to do more modern songs than the pastor will allow. The elders think the pastor needs to do more Old Testament and less Seinfeld references. The janitor is still mad at everyone over the "glue incident" of 1978. Get those big blow-up sumo costumes you can rent, a huge tube of bootleg jello (this a church after all), and then have everyone settle their differences. How cool would it be to see the super happy pastor's wife leg drop the super grumpy elder that is always a jerk to her husband?

4. Skittles

Why not throw Skittles out during the service? Instead of saying, "watch this" or "listen to this" or "are you tracking with me" or another phrase that is designed to get people's attention, why not throw handfuls of skittles at them? Wouldn't you love to be hit in the side of the head with a bunch of fruit candy delightfulness? I would.

5. Weird instruments

Ever wondered what an accordion and triangle version of the song, "I Can Only Imagine" would sound like? Got a kid in youth group that is really good at beat box? Do you need more cowbell but are afraid most people would hate it? Well, they're all on vacation. Get the accordion out. It's go time.

6. Practice Christmas

Next to Easter, the Christmas service might be the most important one you do. So why not do a dry run in July and make sure everything goes well? Just consider it a practice. Do the candles with kids, hang some holly, sing carols, do the whole thing up. Then, that way, when the real Christmas rolls around, you'll be ready. Don't tell anyone it's a practice. Just do it as if it's a normal thing to do. The look on the face of your visitors and members who show up and find themselves singing "Oh Holy Night" in the middle of the summer will be worth it.

7. Haikus

Do the entire sermon in haiku. It's not as hard as you think. Here's an example: Jesus was so cool (5 syllables) He gave His life for our sins (7 syllables) Let's be close to him (5 syllables)

8. Have an "SCL Sunday"

Why not throw a "Stuff Christians Like" service? We'll play Sandi Patty and Carman songs. We'll take a love offering and interlink our fingers when we hold hands. We'll get a puppet group, named "Strings of Mercy," to come do the Noah's Ark story and then I'll speak. It will be fantastic.

I would do some pop and lock breakdancing tomorrow in the hallway if Cross Point did any one of these ideas. If they don't, I'm going to do that mime move where you pretend to be stuck in an invisible box. Mime is the opposite of breakdancing.

p.s. There are two things that go without saying: 1. I can't promise that your church will use any of these tips. 2. I can promise that the church I start, GracePointeLifeTruthHouseNorthRiverElevate, will use all of them.

Taking seat saving to an art form.

(It's guest post Friday! Here's one from Jessie Costin, a teacher and fantastic blogger. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here's how.)

Taking seat saving to an art form. – By Jessie Costin

If you've ever been to a church-related event, like a conference or youth rally, you may have noticed a battleground that has nothing to do with the spiritual realm.

It's seat saving. This happens in church as well, but it is at Christian events that the battle reaches fever pitch. Christians have seat saving down to a fine art. In no other community of people could such a ferocious rush to save seats be followed by such a polite respect. "Oh, your shoelace is on the seat? Excuse me, I'll go elsewhere."

Christians like to travel in packs, but they are also notorious for running late. As a result, we developed systems and practices that enable us to all arrive 5 minutes after the start of the event and still be able to sit together as close to the front as possible. This creates the phenomenon where the whole auditorium appears empty, when actually the only seat available is way in the back, behind a pillar where you can't actually see anything.

To be successful, if you dare to try it, here are a few rules of engagement you should know when it comes to seat saving:

1. Choose Your Hero

The choice of designated seat saver, or DSS, is critical.

• They should be dependable: You need to be able to rely on this person to show up early for the event.

• They should be an Olympic sprinter: You need them to get to the best seats faster than anyone else.

• They should be small: You need them to be able to slip through the crowds easily and fit down the narrow rows faster than anyone else.

• They should be tough and merciless: You can't have someone who is going to crumble under the pressure or balk at pushing in front of little old ladies.

2. Know Your Arsenal

As long as you get something on that seat before someone else does, it's yours. Your arsenal includes any removable piece of clothing. Scarves are particularly useful, and the longer the better. If you stretch it out, you can pretty much save the whole row in one go. Water bottles, jackets, handbags, bulletins. Anything is acceptable.

And the big guns in your arsenal? It's not actually Bibles, as you may suspect. The untouchable seat saving weapon? Journals. No one will dare touch someone else's journal. It doesn't matter if it's actually full of nonsense doodles you've done during a long church service; to others, it will have the same effect as if Jesus himself saved that seat.

3. Tactics

• Reconnaissance:

Getting the lay of the land beforehand is important, so that your DSS can make straight for the best seats without hesitation. If you've never been to the venue before, and it's in a church, consider sending your DSS on an undercover mission one Sunday prior to the event.

• Develop your moves:

The "Come From Behind" move should be in every Seat Saver's playbook. This is effective when everyone is in a bottleneck trying to get into a row of good seats. Your maneuver should be to slip into the rows behind, and throw down your weapons (aka scarves and journals) over the backs of the seats. Everyone will sigh and grumble, and you won't be the favorite person in the room, but they will cooperatively back out of the row.

• Just go for it:

All bets are off until the seats are saved. Don't be shy, and don't hesitate. It may be an angry, ugly scene during the early stages of the seat saving battle. But, once your stuff is on the seat, everyone will politely recognize your claim without protest. (And anyone who does protest is shunned into silence.)

Everyone knows, once there's something on the seat, it's taken. No matter what. (Except when it's 10 minutes into the event and the person with the microphone on the platform says "Move to the middle of the rows so we can fill in the empty seats." At that stage, if your people aren't in, the battle is lost. The person with the microphone must be obeyed.)

Do you have any other tactics or hints of your own?

(For more great stuff from Jessie, check out her blog, www.jessiecostin.com)