Lisa Knight's Blog, page 37

STEVE GILMORE’S MUSIC REVIEWS: HELLbus – Lift

Charles Dickens wrote a book all about people like me. The words ‘tight’, ‘fisted’ and ‘mean’ are casually thrown around in my presence, along with some choice swear words indicating a fascination with fornicating with various objects. I prefer the term thrifty myself, prudent even. After all, I ALWAYS wait until the moths are dead before opening my wallet. Anyway, the reason I’m banging your aural bits about money is that my first experience of HELLbus revolved around money. Specifically the wodge of wonga required to own the delights of a track called Table Fate (January 2006). It had the dubious honour of being the first Soundclick track I had reviewed that people had to pay (99c) to own. I was itching to unload a diatribe of legendary proportions on some unsuspecting rube who had tried to foist a musical abortion on us unsuspecting victims. As it happened, I never got the chance. Table Fate is a devastatingly good track, and worth every penny of those 99 Red Balloons.

No, hold on, that’s not right is it?

No such shenanigans with this track as you can see by the download link, and I strongly urge you to do that and clutch this little beauty to your bosom. The thing that most impressed me about Table Fate was the sheer production and arranging skills and that same quality permeates Lift. This is an artist who takes great pains to make everything just so, then allies that with great songwriting nous to come up with songs that are interesting, different and very, very refreshing. Lift is that rare thing, a wordy song and the music fits that stream of consciousness feel beautifully. Considering the lyrical overload, you’d imagine the track would go like the clappers to fit them all in. However, it’s one of those lazy bastard tracks that sounds as if its just got out of bed, and only when the chorus kicks in does the whole thing take off. HELLbus have blown my ears off twice in a row now and with the same tools every time.

There are a few electronica artists around Soundclick who surprisingly enough have a highly developed pop sensibility (Adam Fielding is one who springs immediately to mind, Melv is another) and HELLbus show all the hallmarks of that trait. There is an epic, large-scale approach to this track so – outside of the chorus – don’t expect to crack it straight away. It’s a track that will take time to work its wonders on you, but I have no doubt it will do that. Skill is one thing; talent is another. Most musicians have one or the other, but HELLbus has bags of both. Just take a listen to the opening few bars of this track, once you get pounded by that beginning, it’s a sure bet that you’ll make it to the chorus and believe me no-one is gonna survive that chorus. Absolutely as good as anything I’ve heard on SC or anywhere else; HELLbus has made a significant impact on me in the space of two tracks, all gained because of a mind-boggling combination of talent and musical artistry.

Modern Pop in the finest tradition. I defy anyone to resist this chorus. MUST HAVE.

You can listen to this artist on SOUNDCLICK

Written by Steve Gilmore

STEVE GILMORE’S MUSIC REVIEWS: Shorthand Phonetics – Requiem For Our Last Character Building Camp

What is it with these guys and their song titles? Maybe they are trying to get into the Guinness Book of Records for the most song titles that make absolutely no sense whatsoever award? Who knows? Anyhow, Shorthand Phonetics are a six piece Jakarta, Indonesia based band who – in the time they have been on Soundclick – have made lots of friends and pleased a great many people. Despite, some would say, their relatively young ages (around 17 at last count) and their absolutely up and down nature of production – or maybe I mean non-production because mostly what you hear are live mixes.

It’s in the songs that this band scores though. Not always, not often but enough to show that they will become a band to be reckoned with. See, if they are like this at 17, imagine what they will be like in a few years. Like a lot of sub-Asian bands (there are several dozen on Soundclick alone), they have wholeheartedly embraced the western music ethos and pump it back at us as if they had invented it. Well, they are certainly re-inventing it, judging by this bands output. Requiem is the first official single off the upcoming album ‘Fanfiction: From the Seriously Absurd to the Absurdly Serious’. See what I mean about the titles? As befits the first single status, it bounds into your ears with all the enthusiasm and speed of a greyhound fresh out of the trap, and in my favourite of all SP styles; kinda rocky, with a dash of punk.

Don’t be running away with the idea that you are about to hear something stylish, taut and finely honed because you’d soon discover how many miles away from the truth you are. One of the most enduring qualities of this band is their godawful (and I’m being kind here) production standards, and the reason that I sound so pleased about that is because on this band – and this band only – it kinda fits their rough and ready ethos. In terms of energy and rough-hewn charm, this is more reminiscent of the Clash than the Buzzcocks, and rockier than either of those two bands put together. I also detect more than a slight improvement in their overall sound, at least there IS a mix on the track – and in stereo!! Yep, made my jaw drop too. Great shame the tom hits kinda thud into your brain though – but it isn’t the aural nightmare of the past, and that’s a blessing. You either like this band or not, and I do. A great deal and THIS is the standard I have come to judge them by. As you like ‘em – rough and ready.

Highly Recommended.

You can listen to this artist on SOUNDCLICK

Written by Steve Gilmore

FAN FICTION: GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY #77 – WHAT’S YER POISON? BY ADRIAN J. WATTS

What has come before…. 

For those who may have just joined us, you better listen close, ’cause this is only coming once! The Guardians of the Galaxy are stuck in the 20th Century with no way to return home, and they’ve just discovered Vance Astro’s costume is a 31st Century Venom symbiote! Kristoff Vernard and Yellowjacker have learned that Vance is attacking Latveria, yet Kristoff snapped YJ’s neck and threw her off a cliff to prevent her from telling the Guardians. And Martinex and Charlie-27 have been trapped in hell! Now git reading, before anything important happens!

The Latverian border, just outside of Latverian territory

Vance Astro roared as he descended upon the guard post on the border of Latveria. He wasn’t intentionally roaring, of course – nor was he intentionally attempting to remove the heads of the two guards who tried to stop him. No, it was the symbiote that now did his body’s doing, and he had no control over it.

The two guards, in fear for their lives, drew two pistols, designed by their monarch, Victor von Doom. These weapons were tailored to combat superhumans, and hadn’t failed in any tests yet. But the trick was to hit the approaching monster.

Vance hissed as he saw the two weapons. He needed to find a way to avoid the laser bolts emanating from their tips. But finally, something dawned on the symbiote. He had survived attacks by Deathwing, the Beyonder, the Stark, Era, Doom, and even Loki. He doubted one laser blast would harm him. And he proved it – by taking one right in the chest. He shrugged it off like so much cosmic radiation. Yet his intense concentration, targeting his two Latverian foes, prevented him from noticing the arrival of a small shuttle. Chances were he wouldn’t have noticed the shuttle anyway. It had 31st century cloaking equipment, after all. But the man piloting the craft, one Kristoff Vernard, noticed Vance. He picked up the receiver on the instrument panel of the craft, pressed a few buttons, and spoke.

“Master,” he said. “I’ve located Astro.”

“Good,” came the reply. The voice had a heavy tone, smothered with the Latverian accent. “Eliminate him… personally.”

“With pleasure, father,” was Kristoff’s response.

Haven II, 31st century

The only Centaurian member of the team of galactic guardians calling themselves Guardian Force sailed over the rooftops of the planet Haven II with only the slightest of difficulty. He had a mission, a mission he had to complete. Guardian Force had been trained for their entire lives to win this one battle. And Whistler had known, for many years, that he would need to find an ally on Haven II, who could aid Guardian Force in defeating the indigenous mutants that resided on the planet.

He decided that that ally would most likely be the mutant Blackwing, cousin to the mutant Guardian of the Galaxy Rancor. The problem was finding him. The city was huge, and there were other mutants chasing him, trying to stop him from reaching Blackwing. And each moment he was delayed was a moment in which his team – his friends – may perish. But he would succeed. He had to.

On the ground below, the battle between Guardian Force and the mutants led by Shaddo increased in intensity. Shaddo continuously summoned new mutants to his side, believing that several hundred mutants would overwhelm the small band calling themselves Guardian Force. He was wrong. It just created chaos. And that benefited Guardian Force to no end. For Korvac’s destiny – and eventual power – was to create order through the cosmos. It was the power of all who have ever been named, and will ever be named, Korvac. Order can only be made if there is chaos from which to make it. So the more chaotic, more joined the battle became, the greater Korvac’s chances for success were.

And Shaddo had better watch out.

The Latverian border

Kristoff grinned silently as he landed the shuttlecraft that had taken him from New York City to Latveria. Little did the Guardians know that his green and yellow robes were full of many such items – starships, time travel devices, groundcraft – all shrunk to the size of an ant thanks to Pym particles. Such was his power, as the sole heir to Doctor Doom – the man who had now ordered him to kill Vance Astro!

Vance continued his assault on the two Latverian guards, still oblivious to the presence of the cloaked shuttle. One or two more swipes – that would be all it took to smash the poor men’s skulls. He nearly laughed at the prospect. In less than a day, he had made his way from the 31st century to the 20th century, and, by killing and pillaging his way, had reached Latveria. And these poor fools thought they could prevent him from carrying out his plan? It was laughable. His plan was born of genius, as were all the plans of the thousand-year-old man. He would kill Kristoff Vernard’s younger self here, in this century, to prevent him from seducing his lover, Aleta, and taking control of the Guardians of the Galaxy.

Vance Astro knew such a plan was doomed to failure – altering the past does not change the future. All that happens is a new timeline is created to incorporate the changes. But the symbiote was not aware of this. His limited understanding of time science told him he would achieve his goal. And Victor von Doom’s knowledge of said symbiote was enough to allow him to set this trap to capture it!

The gangplank descended from the shuttlecraft as Kristoff Vernard disembarked. His body, cloaked, concealed the greatest weapon of all time. One he had made certain to bring with him from the 31st century. It was known, in that future timeline, as the ‘fist of Anthos’. Citizens of this millennia knew it by a far different name – the Infinity Gauntlet*. One problem, however, gripped him. He had only the gems soul and power. That would be enough to defeat Vance, though. At least, Kristoff hoped it would be.

[ * - If you STILL haven't realised who Anthos is yet, I have no sympathy for you - you'll just have to wait for all to be revealed, and trust me, it'll be a LOOONG wait! - Adrian ]

As Vance smashed the two guards’ heads together, Kristoff seized his chance to attack. He leaped onto Vance’s back, knocking him to the ground. But Vance’s strength, augmented tenfold by the symbiote, provided him with enough power to hurl Kristoff off his back. Kristoff felt to the ground – hard – but managed to roll away, and, in a swift motion, withdrew a small blaster rifle and enlarged it with Pym particles. He levelled it at Vance and fired.

“HAHAHA!” Vance laughed as the energy seemed to be absorbed by the symbiote. “You can not defeat me, Vernard.”

“That may be true. But I doubt it.” Kristoff leaped off the ground; his left leg outstretched. He crashed straight into Vance’s chest, knocking Vance down once more. Beneath the symbiote, Vance pleaded for freedom.

“Venom… or whatever you’re called…. I thought you could only bond with your ‘host’… but now, you’ve enveloped me! You’re completely controlling me!” Vance said.

“Yes, Astro,” the symbiote said, his voice even being heard by Kristoff. “I have evolved, and kept all the information I learned with other hosts. Subduing humans is child’s play, now. But you… you took a long time. First, that meddlesome wasp-thing got in my way, then your mutant telekinetic ability. But my knowledge of human systems won through in the end. You’re mine. But you do still have some control. It is… difficult for me to force your body to do things it does not want to do. But killing Vernard… that is something you want, isn’t it?”

“NO!” Vance yelled. “It isn’t! I want him to leave, certainly…”

“No buts, Astro! We will kill him, and we will prevent him from existing in the 31st century, just as you desired!” the symbiote declared.

“What?” Kristoff exclaimed. “But… NO!” He jumped in the air, somersaulting backwards in the process. He’d known of Vance – the symbiote’s plan – earlier, of course. But he hadn’t known Astro agreed with it. “You are insane, Vance. It is no wonder Aleta chose me over you and your Guardians!” He kicked Vance in the jaw as he tried to stand. That last comment, however, enraged Vance more than any physical blow.

“NO!” he cried silently. “Okay, symbiote. You now have complete control. Kill him.”

“I shall, Astro. I SHALL!” Vance rolled across the ground, leaping up when he felt the metallic, yet invisible, edge of Kristoff’s shuttle. “Hmmmm… I wonder what goodies we’ll find in here?” Vance said as he found the gangplank and ran inside, closing it behind him.

On the rooftops of New York

“Anthos?” Nikki said. “Are you sure? I can’t see why your god would want to help us. We have a habit of annoying gods and the Elders of the Universe, remember?”

“But I am of his chosen people, Nikki. He has, throughout history, been known to help many of my people.” Yondu said.

“Okay, but that is something we’ll need to deal with later. Now, we better find Vance.” Nikki said.

“Yes,” Yondu said. “We must. But please promise me that you will help find Anthos when we return to our time.”

“I promise, Yondu.”

“Thank you, Nicollette.”

The two stood, ready to search anew. And as Nikki took a first, hesitant step toward the new rooftop, she turned in time to see Yondu vanish in a puff of purple smoke, and watched in horror as her own body emulated the action!

Hell

Hell is a tiring place at the best of times. But for the Pluvian and Jovian who unwillingly stumbled in here, recently, it has been sheer, well… hell. Martinex and Charlie-27, two of the Guardians of the Galaxy searching for the missing Vance Astro, wanted to take a rest down an empty alley. When they entered, they found they had entered the realm of Pluto and his hellish underworld! But right now, Charlie and Martinex have no idea where they are!

“Er, Marty, where are we?” Charlie asked.

“I have no idea.” Martinex said.

“Of course not, odd-one!” a voice called.

“Eh?” Martinex said. “Who’s there?”

“I am Pluto, master of this domain! And you are now mine!” Pluto waved a gloved hand, and in a puff of purple smoke, Martinex and Charlie vanished.

“That was not my intention!” was Pluto’s only remark.

The Latverian border

Kristoff Vernard grimaced as he activated the teleporters on the Guardians’ control devices. He had adapted them from their star insignias, and it was yet another fact he kept hidden from them. Another reason for them not to trust him. How could they possibly want to keep him on the team when they learned all that he had hidden?

Well, he’d cross that bridge when he came to it. For now, even as he thought about it, the other Guardians of the Galaxy, with the exception of Yellowjacket, materialised before him, their bodies seemingly formed by purple smoke. Kristoff used his hand – the one wearing the Infinity Gauntlet – to switch off the teleporters that had brought the Guardians to him. The presence of the gauntlet didn’t escape Martinex’s notice, though.

“That… that’s the Infinity Gauntlet!” he cried.

“Yes, Martinex, it is. And I’ll be glad to explain how I got it… after we deal with Vance.” Kristoff said.

“Where is he?” Nikki asked.

“Right…” Kristoff deactivated his shuttle’s cloaking field that had hidden his shuttle. “… there.”

The Guardians looked, and to their utter amazement; they saw a huge, grand ship – far superior to even the Freedom’s Lady or the Captain America… even the Drydock hadn’t been so impressive.

“Where did THAT come from?” Martinex asked.

Charlie emerged from the shuttle’s hatchway, after having gone aboard while the Guardians took in the ship’s presence. “Doesn’t matter… Vance isn’t in it,” he said.

“And he must have taken Andre Scott with him!” Kristoff exclaimed.

Outer Space, in the 31st century… far beyond Earth’s orbit

Pyreus Krill halted suddenly, causing Phoenix to plow into his back. His cosmic power-spawned senses had alerted him to a hostile presence nearby. An artificial presence by the feel of it. An android of some sort.

“What is it, Firelord?” Phoenix asked.

“Go… quickly, Phoenix! We must return to Earth! Mainframe’s most grave fear is about to come true!” Firelord cried.

“You mean… he’s here?” Phoenix asked.

“They both are, Phoenix. And I fear even our powers may be no match for them. Now quickly! To Earth!” Firelord shouted.

The Falcon watched from his hiding place as the Galactic Guardians, minus Firelord and Phoenix IX, completed restorations of the city of Doomstadt, the capital of Latveria. It had not taken long, once they had located a hidden army of ‘Doombots’, reprogrammed by Mainframe to help in the repairs. And now, these same robots had been reprogrammed once more, to serve as this world’s defence during the Guardians of the Galaxy’s sojourn to the 21st century.

“There. The modifications are complete.” Mainframe said. “These robots will provide a powerful defence for this planet. And now, a new task befalls us – aiding Firelord and Phoenix in the search for the Beyonder.”

The Falcon took this as his opportunity. He had been waiting for a chance to be of assistance, to help someone, since the Terran Emperor of the 43rd century fired him when he learned he had allowed the Beyonder to escape*.

[ * - A course of events which may be seen in the backup story in GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY ANNUAL #5 - - "The Rise, Fall, and Return of the Terran Empire" - Adrian ]

“Mainframe?” he said, emerging from the shadows.

“Who -?” Mainframe spun to face the Falcon. “Jack Daniels!” he exclaimed. “How is it possible that you are still alive?”

“Well… after you and Wonder Man ran out on us, Tony Stark decided to clone all the Avengers that he could find. He planned to fire the clones into space, where we could summon aid, but only got half of us out of there before the Martians came and destroyed the mansion. I was found by the humans of the 43rd century and awakened… but now, I have nowhere to go… and, well, I was kinda’ hopin’…” he began.

“Certainly, US Agent. We would be most honoured if you would join our ranks,” Mainframe said.

“Thanks, Vizh. You know you were always my favourite.” The ‘Agent beamed a grin at the synthetic being once named the Vision – and something bright and fiery caught his eye in the sky above. “Er, guys.. there’s a fireball coming –!”

The Galactic Guardians scattered as the fireball approached. It’s crash into the Earth even shook the supports of the newly rebuilt Castle Doom. But the structure stood – and, in time, so did the two beings at the source of the impact.

“Firelord! Phoenix!” Replica cried, rushing to her comrade’s aid. “Are you okay?”

Firelord brushed her away with a still burning arm. “They’re coming, Mainframe. And they’ve brought company.”

The synthezoid Guardian bowed his head. He had dreaded this day since his adamantium creator had been seen fleeing the Earth during the Martian invasion.

“Who, Vision? Who is coming?” The Falcon asked.

“Ultron… and Alkhema,” Mainframe replied.

“And,” Firelord began. “Galactus!”

A hospital in New York, in the 20th century

Rita DeMara woke and was greeted by an intense pain shooting from her spine into her neck.

“You’re awake,” a voice from nearby said. She tried to turn her neck to see it’s owner, but found she could not. “Good. I thought you’d be dead for sure.”

“Whuh… where am I?” Rita garbled.

“You’re in a hospital,” a man said, leaning over the bed on which Rita lay. His tattered clothes and dirty appearance indicated to Rita he was a vagrant. “I’m Pete. The man who found you. Took quite a tumble, you did.”

“Muh… muh ahma!” Rita exclaimed.

“Your armour? Don’t worry. I figgered you were some kind of superhero, so I hid it so’s that no-one could get your secret identity,” Pete said.

“Fang yu,” Rita said.

“So? Does Ya want a drink? I’ve got gin, whiskey… and the nurses gave me a bottle o’ true A-grade Bud!” Pete said, excited. “What’s yer poison?”

Rita’s body jerked violently as she tried to get up. The Guardians! She had to get to them!

“Hey now, lady. The doctor, he says your paralysed. You ain’t gettin’ nowhere,” Pete said.

“Mooooo…” Rita groaned.

Haven II, 31st Century

Whistler sailed across yet another rooftop and began to try to cross another, when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Who -?” he began.

“You have entered the domain of the Grand Rebellion!” came the voice of the owner of the hand. “State your business, and quickly.”

“My… my name is Whistler! Shaddo has attacked my friends! I need help! Please!” Whistler cried.

“Follow me,” said the voice. Whistler obliged and was led down a dark, winding passage into the heart of the building he had just been standing above. He came into a brightly room, where maps of the planet Haven II adorned the walls. At the back stood Blackwing, and a man, short, with black hair and a slightly hunched appearance, stood next to him.

The shorter man approached, offering Whistler a hand. “Name’s Logan,” the man said. “But my friends call me Wolverine.” He extended six adamantium claws, aiming them at Whistler’s throat. “Now tell me… what are you going to call me?”

“Wolverine!” Whistler managed to gasp out. “I’ll call you Wolverine!” Logan withdrew his claws, much to the delight of the Centaurian. “And I am Wyt, but my friends call me Whistler.”

“Okay, “Whistler”. What do you want?” Logan asked.

“I need help… against Shaddo,” Whistler said. Blackwing approached with an enthusiastic grin on his face. “Where is he? We’ll strike now, and stop him from continuing his tyrannical control of this world.” Logan nodded, agreeing.

“Where is he?” Logan repeated.

“I’ll show you,” Whistler said. And the trio, with about forty other mutants, left the building, on their way to war.

NEXT ISSUE: The Guardians of the Galaxy go into outer space to stop Vance from destroying Latveria from orbit! The Galactic Guardians launch an attack on Ultron, Alkhema, and Galactus, and get aid from two surprising sources. And Wolverine, Whistler, and ‘Wing go to war in a story appropriately titled World War 3!

Written by Adrian J. Watts of SoftPixels.net

FLASH FICTION: A SUFFICIENTLY ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY BY GUY T MARTLAND

A sufficiently advanced technology

Flash fiction by Guy T Martland

‘Do you remember when the machines fell to Earth?’

‘Yeah… those were dark times.’

‘I think we can halt humanity’s decline if you can reboot their kind.’

‘How? They are practically extinct.’

‘If I can find whoever designed them, we can resurrect their species.’

‘I’m not sure if the inventor will be able to help you.’

‘Why?’

‘Fenix was a genius…until he lost his mind.’

‘What happened?’

‘He blamed himself for everything that went down.’

‘Nonsense! Everyone knows it was the Snouts. They invaded us.’

‘A man from long ago once said that men are only as good as their technical development allows them to be.’

‘He shouldn’t have given up so easily.’

‘Why? So another EMP could knock his machines out of the sky?’

‘If at first you don’t succeed…’

‘Okay, I can see that you’re not going to let this go.

‘Never.’

‘I had a Mecha that used to fix things. If you can find one of them, then your plan might be feasible.’

‘Good idea!’

‘We shall see.’

‘Can you tell me about him?’

‘Fenix was always working on the development of new products whilst continually refining his older creations. Whenever we spent any time together, he would bring something for us to play with.’

‘So, maybe it’s you that I need and not him…’

‘What if we can revive them?’

‘Then the healing will begin. We’ll be one step closer to ridding Earth of those pernicious creatures.’

‘What makes you think we can win?’

‘The prophecy.’

‘There is no such thing.’

‘What has been written… shall come to pass.’

‘The book that you’re pinning all your hopes on is a piece of Science Fiction.’

‘Arthur C. Clarke talked about satellites and they became reality.’

‘Okay, I’ll admit that he knew, twenty years ahead of time, about a piece of sufficiently advanced technology—’

‘Yes! So, why can’t my story come true?’

‘Every theory has already been exhausted.’

‘When did you become such a cynic?’

‘The day we lost.’

‘I’m not ready to accept defeat.’

‘The machines are products of a bygone age. They’ve already been beaten.’

‘I must read you one sentence from this book; it will restore your faith.’

‘That ship has sailed.’

‘If this passage doesn’t convince you that the prophecy is true, I will leave and never darken your door ever again.

‘Deal.’

‘A young protagonist once asked an old man: “Do you remember when the machines fell to Earth…”’

Written by Guy Martland

POETRY: AN APPLE A DAY BY PAUL TRISTRAM

“An apple a day

keeps the doctor away!”

I said sitting down

in the examination room

with a case of gut rot.

“Yes, young man, but

cheap white cider

has never seen a orchard,

it is all chemicals

Come back with something

serious, like a broken leg.

I have other patients

waiting to see me,

the off licence

is down that way.

Goodbye!”

Written by Paul Tristram

POETRY: PEAR SHAPED BY PAUL TRISTRAM

When Lady Luck went Pear Shaped

the Fan got covered in Shit

and all the Clouds had Dismal Linings.

Rolling Stones gathered Prison Sentences,

a Stitch In Time closed another Stab Wound

and The Grand Old Duke Of York had 10,000 Men

and sent them Violently in amongst the Peaceful Protestors.

The Cow went pogoing skyward

trying to steal The Man In The Moon’s Wife

and The Owl and The Pussycat went to Sea

out of Strict Orders of Deportation.

Jack and Jill went up Constitution Hill

singing Baa Baa Black Sheep have you any Crack?

and Humpty Dumpty was left alone to Commit Suicide in Peace.

Mary had a Little STD, she scratched but it would not go.

The Little Dog threw up from Alcohol Poisoning

and The Dish ran away with the Heroin Spoon

committing a series of Nasty Armed Robberies

before being Shot by Police Officers somewhere outside Exeter.

Written by Paul Tristram

MUSIC VIDEO: TEQUILA CHIHUAHUA BY HOWARD BILLINGTON

Written by Howard Billington

Filmed by Howard Billington

You can listen to the album, in full, HERE

STEVE GILMORE’S MUSIC REVIEWS: Krill Banks Conspiracy – Pretty Frogging Rude

I approached this track with considerable apprehension as anyone who knows the history between me and this artist will understand. Having given them one of the worst reviews I have ever given anybody (Another War Song – June 2005), they then turned a very bad experience around and turned the whole review into a track SG Reviews KBC which I must admit I found funny as hell and a classic illustration of making a silk purse out of a sows ear. There again when you are talking about a duo who (and I quote) ‘do things we think of and things we want to do.. when we want to do them’, you gotta expect the unexpected. My major problem with KBC (just to refresh all those almost healed wounds) were that – given the experience of the guys – their music was not up to much, although lyrically they can turn heads but if the music plods and falters to an alarming degree I can’t see how that would help much.

Sooooo, almost a year later, and where are we??

Well, the first thing that is obvious is that they seem to have licked the recording thingie because no matter what you think about the content (and believe me it is BEST not to think about the content) the sound is clean, clear and extremely well done. Pretty Frogging Rude is essentially a rock song in format (guitars, drums, etc.) delivered in a time honoured fashion, but – to be blunt – it will be something you have heard a million times before. What you will NOT have heard before is the way that John Krill attacks the lyrical subject matter. See the funny thing is that John is not a singer. Not in the conventional sense anyway. What he does is talk and talk and talk and talk. In this case, about a dish of frogs being boiled for someone’s dinner without actually realising that they were dinner. It’s a funny tale to be sure, but it is a novelty value thing, and that may not do the track any good.

Moreso because you would have to fork out 0.75 for the pleasure of keeping this track and – to be even more blunt – I think I’d rather spend my money elsewhere. Nonetheless, there is a longstanding tradition (particularly in America) where tracks like this do very well indeed, and some of the better tracks of this type have actually been hits. Certainly Pretty Frogging Rude is funny enough to get you giggling, and that I suppose is the name of the KBC game so in that respect I guess they did ‘what they want to do’. However, for the rest of us mere mortals, it’s going to be very much a personal choice. As a reviewer, I am glad to say that I haven’t noticed (too much anyway) some of the problems that have dogged this artist in the past, and that is going to make some KBC happy. Anyway, have a listen to the track because it IS funny and – should you feel the urge – you may even be tempted to buy it.

How can I put this???? Mad as a box of frogs.

You can listen to this artist on SOUNDCLICK

Written by Steve Gilmore

WEEKLY SERIAL: THE MONSTER OF BELL ISLAND – PART 6 BY JON OLSON

      Officer Pressman decided to stop and catch his breath before entering Obscurity City Police Station. The rookie’s lungs were screaming for oxygen after he’d gone on a ten minute run that had exacerbated an undiagnosed bout of concussion.

      Mammoth had left him seeing double.

      Red just needed to find some clothes before he could start looking for Carl Garrett.

***

      Chief Bull was sitting in his office at the local precinct. He had been forced to stay late after being told that there would be significant activity on Obscurity’s docks.

      Bell Island had become a bigger issue than anticipated.

      Nancy’s thoughts turned to speculation about what might be going down. He couldn’t wait for those damned crates to become someone else’s responsibility.

      Bull’s phone started ringing, shattering the silence that had fallen on his dimly lit office.

      “Chief, it’s Dr. Roswell. Patient two got away.”

      “What!?”

      “He wasn’t in his room when I got to the hospital.”

      “Okay, just get yourself to Bell Island. I’ll deal with Officer Pressman.”

      He threw his phone across the room.

      “ARRRRGGGHHH!”

      Normally, if someone screwed up, he would put a bullet in their head and then push them over Memorial Bridge. Unfortunately for him, times had changed. His brand of discipline was no longer acceptable to the Underworld.

      Bull knew that Dr. Roswell couldn’t be trusted, but they wouldn’t listen.

      He was ready to deal with the consequences of their misjudgement.

***

      “Holy crap!” said Officer Harding Pots. “Look who’s here!”

      “You’ve got to be kidding me!” Jimmy Jackson exclaimed as he poked his head around a wall of lockers.

      “How’s it going guys?” Red asked.

      “Shouldn’t you be in hospital?” Jimmy replied as he walked over to his battered colleague. “I thought you were all busted up and shit.”

      “They let me out.”

      Harding took an extended drag on his cigarette. “You know, I’ve never liked those places. The smell of disinfectant always makes me feel nauseous.”

      “So, where’s Carl?” Jimmy asked. “Bull’s been looking for him.”

      “I haven’t heard anything from the guy since he called me from Dr. Roswell’s office. I’m actually quite concerned as our conversation was terminated in mysterious circumstances.”

      “No one said anything about Garrett getting hurt…”

      “Carl’s fine,” Red said, uncertainly. “He just had to see the shrink because—”

      “Are you sure that’s where your partner went? Pots asked with a hint of scepticism in his voice. “It’s just… I’ve never heard of him.”

      Red started at them in bewilderment.

      “Isn’t Roswell the department’s shrink?”

      “No!” Jimmy replied. “Dr. Beverly Tide holds that position. Everyone’s always trying to get in and see her as she is…stunning!”

      “I knew that something was off about him!”

      “Why don’t you talk to the Chief? He’s in his office.”

      “At this hour?”

      “Yeah,” Jimmy replied. “Anyway, we had better be going. Time to light some motherfuckers up on the 102. Catch you later, Red.”

      Pressman sighed and then followed them out.

***

      Mammoth’s stomach started doing summersaults as his boat continued to be thrown around by an angry tide that made him feel nauseous. He could hardly breathe. The sea was threatening to overwhelm our protagonist’s consciousness.

      Then, at last, salvation appeared.

      Bell Island.

      He was now so desperate for air that his liberty no longer mattered.

      As the giant behemoth stood up, they were hit by a particularly vicious wave that made him throw up.

      Mammoth’s muscles started contracting as he began to suffocate.

      The captain immediately turned around and looked straight at him.

      “I’ve got a stowaway on my boat!” he yelled. “It’s that guy from Burton Street!”

Written by Jon Olson

MUSIC VIDEO: HIT THE LOTTERY BY HOWARD BILLINGTON

Written by Howard Billington

Filmed by Howard Billington

You can listen to the album, in full, HERE