Jennifer Probst's Blog, page 8
February 13, 2019
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An Ode to My Second Son…
Dear Joshua,
It’s hard being the second son, isn’t it? All the clichés regarding less photos, videos, and huge first-moments are true. When we watched our home videos together and suffered through over an hour of Mom and Dad getting exciting about Jake repeating the features of his face, I realized we were a bit overzealous. The first is new and with the unknown, it brings tons of excitement and fear.
We knew better once you were born. We were more relaxed and confident we could keep you safe and alive by doing the exact stuff we did with your brother. You may have had less video time, but you were never less important in our hearts.
Both of you were born exactly 2 years and ten days apart. When I decided to write this blog post to you, I noticed the past three years I did it only for your brother. Because his birthday came first.
But today, as you turn twelve years old, I’m dedicating this space to you.
Since this is my birthday too, let’s go back to your birth. I figured doing a pregnancy once would give me tons of confidence to fall back on. But dude, you were a tough one. Besides getting an umbilical hernia which put me in constant pain, you punched and kicked all night like a mini vampire. I ended up begging the doctor to get you the hell out before I went mentally insane. I thought I knew what to expect and that I’d be ready for it, but you put a whole new spin on the term labor. I remember trying not to lose my shit from 3am to 5am while I watched Akeelah and the Bee (maybe that’s why you’re such a good speller?) and your father snored happily beside me. I hadn’t remembered pain like that. I hadn’t realized pain that bad could exist. By the time six am came, I screamed at your father to get the doctor and to give me all the drugs—just like in all those movie comedies. And it still took seven more hours to finally get you out.
I only had a tiny bit of time with you after you were born. You had a high level of jaundice, so they scooped you out of my arms to put you under the lights for a while and told me not to worry.
Hours later, your jaundice levels kept spiking to a point where it became severely dangerous. In the middle of the night, the doctor said he needed to perform a blood transfusion to keep you from a full fledged seizure. It was the same night a huge blizzard and ice storm hit, isolating us from any visitors for the next two days. The procedure took a long time, and you were in the NIC unit for a week. I spent Valentine’s Day praying you would be okay with a limited staff at the hospital because all the roads were closed down. Nonny was there with me, but your father and brother couldn’t get to the hospital.
They released me before you, and it was surreal coming home without you in my arms. Looking back, I think the week you were away from me set a precedent for the type of baby you’d become. For a year and a half, you refused to sleep. You cried all night, every night, and the doctor kept telling me it’d get better, and that eventually you’d stop crying. But you never did. I feel like you went from crying nonstop to immediately crawling and talking—there seemed to be no in between.
You were a Mama’s boy, still are thank goodness, and I think it all revolves around us being separated that week. We never got our true bonding time. You used to butt your head against my stomach as if you just wanted to go back in. Dad always teased me that you are my favorite. That I can’t say no to you. That I need to be in contact with you, even if it’s a quick touch, to reassure myself you’re still okay.
Pop Pop used to call you the Duke after John Wayne because no one ever knows what you’re thinking. You’re cool, calm and collected at all times. You avoid drama, and flow so easily you always allow your brother to be in the spotlight. You have no need of being the center of attention, you like to stay in the background and watch others shine.
Underneath all that tough guy surface lurks the mushiest heart I’ve ever encountered. You are so kind you humble me. You are quiet and thoughtful and so damn brilliant, I know you’re going to do amazing things. You love to dance when no one is watching, and you only give belly laughs to your brother, who is your best friend because you not only love him, but like and respect him. And your dry wit is so sharp, no one ever sees it coming. You are a perfectionist, like me. I never have to remind you to do anything, your innate sense of self drives you to do it all on your own. You push hard—you don’t want the 95, you want the 100. You have a deep sense of truth and a knowledge of who you are that has been your guiding force since you were a baby.
You taught me new things about love. To be patient. To be calm. To be truthful. To go for the gold, not the silver. To enjoy all aspects of life, from the little to the big. To know in the midst of silence, there are great things to discover, and that talking too much is completely overrated when you can just listen.
Finally, I have the most precious, beautiful Valentine’s gift year after year–your birthday. (Which is a very good thing since your father is terrible with his gifts).
Joshua Thomas Craypo,, son #2, you are simply the great love of my life. As you’re poised to enter middle school and begin finding your own path, I am blessed to be able to stand by you and call myself your Mom.
Happy birthday, sweetheart.
January 22, 2019
On Going Home…by Jennifer Probst
Recently, I went with my boys to see A Dog’s Way Home. We were looking for a family movie to entertain us on a rainy Saturday afternoon, and though the preview looked a bit cheesy, we figured we’d give it a try.
Buckets of tears later, I admit I didn’t see the emotion of this movie coming. The plot is simple enough: a dog named Bella (which happens to be the name of my dog!) tries to find her way home to her owners after being sent away temporarily while they get a new house in order. Of course, the dog doesn’t know she’s not being abandoned, so she decides to take control and find her way home. The movie goes on to detail the dog’s many adventures in the miles she travels along with her various experiences with people and other animals.
What affected me so much about the movie was the emotion. I’m always urging writers to open up a vein and bleed on the page to inflict as much emotion as possible for the reader—without going into melodrama. The relationships Bella formed were real—from her adopted mother, to a baby mountain lion, to a group of ragtag dogs on the hunt for food. We are shown that some people are only meant to be in our lives for a little while—others forever. There are lessons to learn from every encounter in life—some beautiful, and many so painful we feel as if we’ll collapse underneath its weight. We meet some characters in order to lighten our load and make us laugh. And others are meant to be our soul-mates, whether in love or friendship. There are good people and bad. But the goal is to find that special place or person that completes us.
Yes, we need to be complete on our own first. But finding that special person we can be ourselves with, open up to, and be vulnerable in showing our love is a precious gift. Bella recognized her gift immediately, and searched hundreds of miles outside her comfort zone to find it again.
These big emotions made me think about the book I was writing, and my own life. Reminded me to try and be real and true and open. Sometimes, it becomes easy to bury myself in work and remain isolated from the outside world. I become my own world when I’m involved in a book and time blurs around me. It’s important to remember we need to experience relationships with others so we can continue to grow and experience new things and bring back our stories to the page. This keeps us fresh. It keeps us accountable to the trueness of the work.
I also believe we have many homes throughout our lives. Sometimes, they change—from your childhood home steeped with past memories, to the college dorm surrounded by other students, all the way to our first real apartment as we scrape for rent and proudly throw house parties with our friends, to our “grown-up” house where we may welcome a husband, children, and cook actual meals in a kitchen. They all blur together in my memory but each has a unique stamp—a right of passage in my life that defined what home meant to me.
I’ve been writing a series entitled STAY, and exploring the theme of home in each of the books. I’ve loved watching each of my characters struggle with finding their right path, and the choices love allowed them to make. Some knew who they were and where they belonged from the beginning. Others didn’t figure it out until the very end.
Using home as a key theme in your work can help you dig deeper into the story and motivations of your hero and heroine. Watching a simple dog movie ended up becoming a beautiful surprise—an opportunity for me to think about my journeys of home, and the ones my boys will embark on later in life, while I watch from the sidelines.
We may not have any magic red ruby slippers, but as the Good Witch said, we always had the power to go home, anyway.
All we have to do is create it.
January 11, 2019
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December 19, 2018
The Official 2018 Top Ten Lists According to…Me
Oh, how I love lists!
If you saw my desk right now, you’d find me literally buried under tiny scraps of paper ripped off in various ways, sticky notes, journals, lined notepads, blank notepads, and those cute spiral ones with the fun mottos and sayings on the cover. I have two planners in the mess also. It’s my personal type of heaven.
It gives my husband and oldest son a panic attack.
So, of course I need to make my own favorite lists for the year for one reason.
They’re fun.
I read everyone’s lists. Whether I agree or not, I always end up finding a new book, or movie, or word, or idea from the inspiration of others. Even the controversy is fun (respectfully) to argue what one hates versus what one loves.
As long as we avoid politics. At least, on my list.
Here we go! In no particular rhyme, order or reason:
My Fave Books:
This is always the most brutal list to scrape down to a few since I read a minimum of a book per week, maybe more. I’m a fan of so many romance authors, I could never list them all here. I decided to keep it to just five, targeting the ones that truly affected me.
1. Consumed – JR Ward. Her Black Daggerhood Brothers series is epic and classic, but this contemporary novel revolving around firemen was amazing. I consumed it in a few days, and kept thinking about the characters. That’s a sign of a great book.
2. Now That You Mention It – Kristan Higgins. She’s always been a favorite author of mine, but this book just hit all the feels for me. I simply couldn’t put it down, and it was packed with her trademark emotion. As a writer, I was both joyous and envious of her story telling talents (I’m human okay!) but as a reader? Nirvana.
3. Dean Koontz Jane Hawk Series – oh, Lord. This is a five book series – I’ve read 4 so far and I’m counting the days till 5 releases. The heroine is kick ass and unlike anyone I’ve read before. The suspense is shattering. Bad things happen in these books – reminds me of Game of Thrones – the moment you get attached to a character, he/she could be gone. But Koontz is one a master of suspense and it’s worth every nerve jangling moment. Read it.
4. The Outsiders – Stephen King – King is another one of my go-to authors and this book did not disappoint. With a fresh, creepy perspective and a theme extremely newsworthy right now, I couldn’t put this book down. Twists and turns abound and you always care about his characters.
5. The Kiss Quotient – Helen Hoang – I know this made everyone’s top list and the reason is it’s a sexy, fun, emotional, fresh book that everyone will love. Highly recommended.
I know there’s not a lot of romance novels listed, but that’s because I read too many to name here. Seriously. I picked my general top five, people. That’s all I could do.
Movies:
Creed 2 – Rocky is back. This was better than Creed 1. I surged to my feet and ended up punching my nephew a few times in my excitement. LOVED.
A Star is Born – I’m obsessed with the movie and the soundtrack. Haven’t felt this much emotion watching a film in a long time. My fave of the entire year.
Avengers Infinity War– I’m still counting down the days until the second movie comes out. This movie ripped my heart out and was so well done and clever.
A Quiet Place – Scary, suspenseful, brilliantly acted, the perfect scary suspense movie.
Black Panther – My new fave superhero that nears my obsessive love for Thor.
Honorable Mention: Crazy Rich Asians. – Love a well-done romantic comedy. Bring more back like this.
Music:
A Star is Born Soundtrack.
Five Seconds of Summer – Youngblood
Taylor Swift – Delicate
Halsey – Alone
Carrie Underwood – The Champion
Bebe Rexha – I’m a Mess
Maroon 5 – Wait
Panic at the Disco – Say Amen
TV Series:
Model Squad on E!
The Haunting of Hill House – Netflix
VanderPump Rules and Below Deck – Bravo
The Handmaids Tale – Hulu
Castle Rock – Hulu
Dirty John – Bravo
Favorite Things:
Whispering Angel Rose’
Titos Vodka Dirty Martini with extra blue cheese stuffed olives, shaken, straight up, and iced.
My new baby Christmas tree I set up in the family room with lights already on!
My stuffed Hei-Hei from Disney
My mother’s homemade stuffed shells
Dairy Queen. They extended their season and I’m so grateful.
Apple Cider donuts from Tantillo’s Farm Stand
Jeni’s Ice Cream and the new flavors
My new Passion Planner
Lipsense (Whitney Burke is my supplier in case you want to check it out)
My sequin Minnie Mouse ears
Stuff I Did:
Readers on the River – Kentucky – 1001 Dark Nights put on the ultimate signing and allowed readers intimate time spent with JR Ward. Besides the gorgeousness of Kentucky, being able to lunch at JR Ward’s house was simply an experience I’ll never forget.
Nashville – A weekend away in this famous city showed me the country girl inside me dying to get out. I fell madly in love and am counting down the days to return. The music, whiskey, and atmosphere put me on a high.
Book Bonanza – Denver, CO. – When Colleen Hoover decides to put on a party – she brings it. One of the biggest, most exciting signings I’ve ever attended. Exhausting but loved every single moment.
ROME – RARE signing – going to Italy to meet my readers was a highlight of my year. They came out in droves and my heart nearly burst with gratitude and love for everyone. I finally got to bring my husband to the country I adore so much, and we packed in everything within a few days, from the Coliseum, Vatican, Spanish Steps, and every restaurant/café we could possibly hit. I also had dinner with my favorite author of all time: Susan Elizabeth Phillips, and I didn’t even faint. This ranks as my favorite trip of the year.
The Slinky Roller Coaster at Disney, Hollywood Studios – It was worth standing in line for 2 hours. Toy Story land is magical.
Things I’m Grateful For:
That my boys still say “I love you” to me every day before they get on the bus
The Ladies Who Write – my newly formed group of authors I love, read, and admire. I’m so lucky I get to call them my friends.
Selling my first women’s fiction book
Selling a brand new series to Montlake
Being asked to be keynote speaker at two big events this upcoming year
Being asked to run a masterclass on Write Naked
That my husband cooks and does the dishes and doesn’t think it’s a big deal
That the awful, searing pain and depression of losing my Dad has finally eased
That I’m still able to pay my bills being a full time writer
That I get email from readers who loved my books
For my dog, Bella, who turned 15 years old this year and is my very best friend
I’m going to skip all the general things I thank God for every night, like family, friends, health, security, etc. I wanted to name some specific stuff.
I think that’s it! I had fun doing my list – I hope you will do your own list and please share it with me!
Happy Holidays and all my love.
December 4, 2018
Not Writing…by Jennifer Probst
I cannot believe another year has passed by.
With Thanksgiving behind, and Christmas barreling up, it’s hard not to compare this December to last year. It was right after I lost my father, and I had begun to down spiral. I had two huge books due that I needed to start writing, and I’d become completely unable to write for the first time in my life.
After an intervention with my friend and publisher, Liz Berry, I realized I had to step away for a while and not even try. I was too raw and broken and needed to heal. My Muse was silent and she needed to rest and figure stuff out in order to make sense of my new day-to-day life. So, I pushed out my deadlines, took the month, and spent hours watching tv, huddled under a blanket. I spent time with my kids and my dog. I didn’t write.
Fast forward one year. I just turned in my newest book to my editor, and have a full week and a half completely free before my second round of revisions come in. Between second and third rewrites, and copyedits, I’ll be busy enough not to feel guilty.
For now, I have an entire 10 days free. Well, kind of.
When I crawl out of my office after delivering a book, it takes me a while to adjust. I’m like the mole who’s been living in the hole, and when the creature crawls out, he’s blind for a while. After I became human again, and learned how to speak and see people, I realized I had HOURS of admin work to catch up on. Emails never returned; blog posts to write; social media to update.
I dug in and though it’s a daily beast, I caught up.
Now, let me set the scene for today.
I put the kids on the bus. Make my coffee. Carry it to the office. And….
Nothing.
I made long lists of all the things I want to accomplish before my next round of edits. My task list looks something like this:
-Create and test new FB ads
-Post for full week at Author’s Exchange FB group where I’m hosting
-Compose newsletter for 12/13
-Book travel for next signing
-Gather audio samples for Steele Brothers project
-Install new keyboard
-New posts for Books and Main
-Complete front and back matter for All Roads Lead To You
–Gather teasers for new book
-New AMS ads for German translation of The Charm of You
-Xmas cards *?? Do I want to do it this year? Mom bothering me-I may have to**
-Write new blog post *thank God I’m doing this now*
Glamorous, right?
Besides my task list, I have a few months in 2019 with no releases so I was going to write a new novella, or create a short story from one of my previous series to give readers new content. I have a huge announcement coming soon regarding my next projects, and since I’ll be writing a lot next year, it would be smart to get ahead and actually begin creating some character outlines, research, or something so when January 1st rolls around I won’t be in panic mode.
Guess what I decided to do?
Nothing.
Yes, this is probably not good advice but I’m sticking to my plan and defending it to the critics who say you should always be moving hard toward your goals and your dreams, and an object in motion stays in motion, and all those wonderful pieces of advice that inspire you to get off your ass and DO IT!!!
But I don’t want to do anything. I want to nap, and read, and spend lazy time with my kids. I want to do online shopping and lunch with a friend and finish some of my Netflix series.
Last December, I had no choice. I couldn’t work. I was burnt.
This December, I choose not to work. Because I want to take a break and enjoy myself for absolutely no reason. Edits will be enough. Keeping up with social media will be enough. Responding to email will be enough.
This time, it feels good. I’m choosing not to feel guilty or lazy or like an amoeba. My workaholic tendencies are so ingrained, I struggle throughout my life between crazy bursts of madness and endless work, and then days of pure laziness because I’m too burnt out to function.
This month, I’m trying to balance.
Next month, I’ll be attacking a new year with a new idea and a brand-new word which will be my mantra. I’ll write another blog post about it next month.
But for now, this may be my last post for the holidays. Depends on my mood. I do like Best of the Year stuff, and resolutions, so if I feel like it I’ll write a post for fun.
My point to this long, blabbering, me-centric post?
If you want to take some time off, do it. Don’t apologize, don’t explain, and don’t feel guilty. We forget we are not working in an office doing filing or data entry. We are creative artists. We really do need to re-fill the well.
The best part? I feel like I’m not working but I really am. My Muse/subconscious is sifting through ideas, stories, moments and figuring out where they will be placed in my future stories. I’m living and resting and thinking. I’m becoming whole again so I can go back out and attack the great big world with a ferocious roar.
But today, I’m just going to not write.
Happy holidays and Merry Christmas to all of you wonderful, fabulous readers who I appreciate every single day.
November 7, 2018
The Top 5 Reasons You Should Be Doing NANOWRIMO Right Now…
I’ve been deep in the cave. I had to finish a book due, and this story ended up surprising me, so when I thought I was finished, my characters decided they weren’t ready to go, forcing me to write another 20K in three days so they’d finally go away.
They did. I typed the End. It’s off to my editor.
Each time I have a book due, I lie to myself. I outline the perfect schedule where I plan to write an average of 2-3K per day. I make sure to add in a dash of family, a sprinkle of errands, and the occasional disaster. I always come out with a sparkling, clean proposal with plenty of days off and the delivery of the manuscript EARLY.
Imagine that.
Yeah. Unfortunately, I’ve had to imagine that for the last thirty books because I learned early, I’m a sick adrenalin junkie who likes to wait to the very last moment, and then go screaming and bitching into my office, pumping out 5-6K a day while I wail at everyone around me and ask HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME AGAIN?
My son had the nerve to ask me if I had been wearing the same clothes for three days in a row.
I whispered the word, DEADLINE, and he slowly backed out of the room, and threw me a leftover piece of Halloween candy like a rapid dog.
But I wanted to talk about NANOWRIMO – not my screwed-up writing life.
Nanowrimo is National Writing Novel Month. The premise is to write 50K in thirty days. This is why you need to do it.
Participating in this challenge when I was an unpublished author was key to helping me create a habit of being able to write on a daily basis. It taught me that no matter what happens around me, I made a commitment to my writing, and it was not going to come in second. Not in November.
Nanowrimo taught me to vomit words and deal with fixing that shit later. Words beget more words. Work begets more work. We have nothing to sell or make money on or market if we don’t have words on the page, words that build stories.
Nanowrimo taught me to take myself seriously. Writing needs to be an investment of time and dedication and care. You need to stand up and declare you are a writer, and will be writing. For the month of November, you go into survival mode. Cleaning, cooking, socializing with friends, watching movies with the kids, all of it goes to the back burner for thirty days. Make a deal with your spouse or boyfriend to step it up and help. Ask family members, or friends, or babysitters. It’s time to claim your dreams and goals and they are IMPORTANT. Don’t wait for anyone else to tell you that, guys. It has to come from you or no one is going to listen.
Nanowrimo stripped away writer’s block. Basically, I had no more time for it. If I struggled for too long on a page, or a chapter, I learned to blast through it or start a new scene. It helped me experiment and figure out what worked best for me if I got stuck. Before nanowrimo, I would have left the pages to linger for days, while I went to figure things out. When you need to write a book in a month, you have no such luxury. You need to figure it out NOW. Usually, when I skipped around and wrote different parts, my subconscious was sorting through the blocked issue and later that week, I figured out how to fix it and went back.
Nanowrimo taught me to trust myself. All you have is you, your book, and a keyboard. There’s no one else in the room, and you need to depend on yourself and your Muse to get you to the finish line. That is an act of pure trust and faith. When you see what you accomplished in those thirty days, you learn you can do things that are hard. And trust me, writing is HARD. This is good practice.
Think it’s too late?
It’s never too late. I’m a procrastinator, too. It’s November 7th, and there’s still plenty of time. I “failed” a ton of times to technically write 50K, but I pumped out 30K and guess what? It was a novella or the first solid half of my book. Win/Win.
Instead of worrying or planning or overthinking, just grab some time and begin writing. Who cares if you don’t have a plot or an outline or a carefully written schedule? Maybe that terrified your Muse so much she went into hiding.
Trick her. Just sit down and begin writing and she will probably peek her head out and screech, “What are you doing? I’m not ready for this yet!” But you will just quietly ignore her, keep working, and eventually she will help you because she has no choice.
Use November to push the boundaries, join the community, declare your goal to the world – but then do it. Write.
Oh, and after you write all the words, circle back and click this link and buy my book, Write Naked. It’s chock full of stuff on the writing life and craft and suggestions and truth and I talk a lot about blockage.
I think you’ll like it.
It’s also brand new on audio – which is really exciting and I think you’ll love the narrator.
May the words be with you, my peeps.
