Knock Knock's Blog
October 9, 2018
7 Stupid Workouts to Get You Through the Holiday Season
Don’t be one of those “January people” that joins a gym after the turn of the new year. Actually, skip the fitness-failure fad entirely and beat your winter waistline to the punch with these stupid—but seriously effective—workout routines you can do from the comfort of home. You’ll be glad you did AND have room for even more New Year’s resolutions (like pretending to have the willpower to magically fix all your problems!).
Stupid Reason #1: Baking
It takes deep breathing and strong arms to stir the sludge-like batter of your infamous gluten-free, sugar-free, non-dairy sadness cookies.
Stupid Reason #2: Hanging Christmas Lights
‘Tis the season to finally put up your Christmas lights.
Stupid Reason #3: Reluctantly holding a baby
Your cousin wants you to hold their new baby. You would rather eat glass, but okay.
Stupid Reason #4: Potluck
Because when you go to a party, you BRING the party—and roll up with the microwaveable pizzas and a supersized box of Merlot in your arms.
Stupid Reason #5: Bartending
It’s party time and you’re tasked to whip up a batch of your famous margaritas, and you always insist on freshly-squeezed lime juice. You’ll need a lot of power to make a big batch enough for your thirsty hard-partying pals. You know how much they drink.
Stupid Reason #6: Last-minute gift shopping
You’ve got fifteen minutes to get your gift shopping finished before the mall close—but the escalator is out of order!
Stupid Reason #7: Holiday Travel
Your carry-on bag is a marvel of packing expertise. It contains clothing for ten days, snacks for the plane, gifts for the family, and a laptop. It also weighs about as much as a compact automobile.
Stupid, yes. But they work! Don’t wait until 2019 to be the best version of yourself. Check out the 43 other ridiculously dumb workouts in 50 Totally Stupid Real-Life Reasons to Work Out.
September 5, 2018
Loving Los Angeles
When I moved to Los Angeles from Manhattan in 1998, exactly twenty years ago, my interest in the city had only recently been piqued. Growing up in the Bay Area as I did, hatred of Los Angeles was our birthright—though we characterized it as a rivalry (little did we know, it was totally one-sided). But New York certainly looked down on L.A. too, and I found I had to do lots of explaining about my decision to move here.
The Los Angeles I had just begun to learn about—the Los Angeles with history, nature, creativity, drive, dynamism, ambition, art, architecture, underbellies, and its own distinct culture(s)—was most certainly not the Los Angeles of my youth. For the first two years I was in L.A., I saw the city as a well-kept secret, until it struck me that, with a population in the many millions, the secret wasn’t so well kept after all. With my anti—Los Angeles blinders, I just hadn’t been in on it.
I quickly became a Los Angeles defender. It’s odd that such a behemoth would require a champion, but one of L.A.’s charming peculiarities is that it’s a Goliath megalopolis that requires a David-like slingshot to safeguard its good name. When I traveled or hosted visitors, my new city was disparaged and I was mocked for living there. All good-naturedly, to be sure, but at a certain point I started to wonder why that was okay. I would never make fun of their homes (to their faces). By contrast, Los Angeles has somehow always been fair game.
The moment I knew someone had to mount a substantive defense of our fair city was when I first read Los Angeles—based journalist and urbanist Alissa Walker’s “haterating” blog series, in which she thoughtfully and incisively assigned points to every tired, banal cliché that otherwise rigorous writers fell back on about L.A. It remains mystifying that otherwise top-notch publications such as the New York Times, Vanity Fair, the New Yorker have persisted in being so ignorant on Los Angeles. Alissa’s points added up.
The idea for this book—myth busting with history, truth, and, you know, actual facts—emerged. I asked Alissa if she wanted to write it, but she entrusted the concept to me and the team here at Knock Knock, the gift and publishing company I started in 2002. And so we began what blossomed into a two-and-a-half-year process of envisioning, researching, and writing This Is (Not) L.A.: An Insider’s Guide to the Real Los Angeles: Debunking the Clichés, Crushing the Haters, and Generally Making You Wish You Lived Here (or Happier That You Already Do).
While Knock Knock has generated intensive nonfiction in the past (which is also what I did as an editor and writer, prior to starting Knock Knock), it’s a lot of a certain kind of work and pretty hard on the team. To the book’s great benefit, our staff of loyal Angelenos shared my passion for the project and went way above and beyond to make it happen. That is especially true in the case of the book’s coauthor, Knock Knock editor and writer Kate Sullivan, whose journalism background allowed her to bring exactly the right spirit and sensibility to the project as the primary writer, researcher, and editor.
We are especially honored that the iconic Jonathan Gold wrote a beautiful foreword for the book. With the rest of Los Angeles (and the world), we mourn his passing, and hope this book serves as a tribute to his love for L.A. I also shrieked with joy (and I’m not usually a shrieker) when the email came in with Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti’s blurb for the book—maybe one of the best cover blurbs I’ve ever read: “Growing up in the Valley, I always knew L.A. was bitchin’. Read this book and you’ll know it too.” And we couldn’t be more thrilled to have the Natural History Museum of Los Angeles throw us a launch party, dovetailing with their newly permanent exhibit on the city, Becoming Los Angeles.
With each seal of approval from anybody who knows about and loves Los Angeles, this book’s team has been utterly delighted and grateful. But you know what’s maybe best of all? I believe we’ve finally got the definitive non-defensive defense of Los Angeles, one that can simply be handed to people who ask, “Why do you live in L.A.?” It needed to be written, and I hope that it is read. Because you know what? Los Angeles kicks some serious ass. And once you understand our city, you’ll love it too.
July 26, 2018
12 GIFs That’ll Make You Want Obama Back
No matter which side of the aisle you’re on, nobody’s ever going to out-cool Obama. As we ready ourselves for what feels like this administration’s impending apocalypse, let’s take a second to reflect on the White House wonder years with these most Obama-y of Obama moments that remind us what we’re missing about the 44th POTUS.
His smile:
His dance moves:
His bromance:
His relationship with Michelle:
His ability to make us feel safe:
His respect for all people:
His style:
His mic drop:
His basketball skills:
His laugh:
His dad jokes:
Everything:
Feeling nostalgic yet?! Get your hands on I Miss You, Barack Obama and share one of 44 postcards with anyone longing for the 44th U.S. president right about now, which is to say: just about everyone.
January 17, 2018
Signs: The Good Kinds (Women’s March 2018)
Howdy, Women’s Marchers!
There’s nothing quite like a sign, is there? All kinds—from the universe, on the side of the highway, and held in your hands to express something about society. Even the verb “sign” is awesome.
Knock Knock is offering these two signs as free downloads for the 2018 Women’s Marches on Saturday, January 20. You are welcome to use these designs for signs and on personal social media, but not for anything else, please. And they’re for personal, non-commercial use only. Show this blog post to the printer as our “permission slip”!
Click the poster to download.
Click the poster to download.
Our sister company Emily McDowell Studio is also offering a 2018 Women’s March sign and we subscribe to it 154.3 percent. You can find it here.
These signs are meant to be printed on 18-inch-by-24-inch cardstock. You can have them printed at places like FedEx/Kinkos or Staples. Here are some (hopefully) helpful notes about printing them:
You’ll want to specify 18” x 24” when you print it out, making sure its orientation is landscape (horizontal).
For best results, we recommend printing on cardstock (110 lb or more), matte, and have it mounted. (The cardstock may not be an option online but something you can ask the printer about in person or over the phone.)
Fedex/Kinkos: According to their site, they charge $21.75 to print on heavier paper (not cardstock). You’d probably need to glue or tape it to foam board or poster board. They also charge $40 to print and mount it on foam board for you, and $36 to print it on corrugated plastic. You can also throw in a yard sign stake for another few dollars! Click here, choose “Posters and Signs” and click the “Use your file” button under “Custom Posters,” to get started.
Staples: According to their site, they charge $14.99 to print on standard paper. You would need to glue or tape it to foam board or poster board. They also charge $30 to print and mount it for you. Click here and choose Oversized Color Prints to get started.
We’re just noting pricing above for your convenience—it’s what we found on their website, so we can’t promise it’ll be accurate for you.
Happy marching, people! We at Knock Knock are proud to be marching alongside you.
January 10, 2018
Knock Knock Gets Knocked Up!
I had no idea what I was doing when I started Knock Knock in 2002. I had still less idea where it would—or could—go. Back then, I didn’t even know a single entrepreneur.
I launched Knock Knock out of my desire to write and design at the same time. I saw a keen lack of products in the marketplace that had voice, personality, and smarts. Target and the other big-box retailers were just starting their rise, and irony hadn’t yet made its mark on the gift industrial complex. Instead, the trend ran to wares that could sell to the widest swathe of consumers, by necessity, then, catering to the lowest common denominator. Bland. Safe. Middle of the road.
I wanted to do something different.
I made the assumption that there were enough smart, reality-based (vs. gold-cursive-writing-and-cute-bunnies-idealism-based) people out there to support a tiny little company on the left coast speaking distinctively and with multisyllable words. Unlike my high school party self, I didn’t need Knock Knock to appeal to everybody.
But as it turned out, we appealed to a lot more people than I imagined. The moment that hit me was the January 2005 New York International Gift Fair, one of our big tradeshows. We’d just come out with Wheels o’ Wisdom (“Cordless Search Engines for Life!”) and positioned a hanging display of the first four titles on an aisle-side table. One after another, seemingly Knock Knock–atypical customers—boutique-owning women of a certain age, Ultra-Orthodox Jews, hospital gift-shop buyers, people from the deep South (and those were just the ones I could identify by sight or sound)—stopped to point out “Yes, You’re Probably Dying: A Hypochondriac’s Guide to Worst-Case Scenarios” and laugh to one another: “Oh my god, my sister’s husband’s cousin’s dog is SUCH a hypochondriac! We have to get this for him!”
Who knew “Yes, You’re Probably Dying: A Hypochondriac’s Guide to Worst-Case Scenarios” (introduced Spring 2005) would be such a hit in Peoria?
It wasn’t just the equivalent of today’s Brooklynites who liked what we did.
Soon we weren’t members of a tiny club anymore. Gift, card, and publishing companies with humor, voice, and a hint (or more than a hint) of subversion began stampeding into the marketplace. I had mixed feelings about this—on the one hand, I loved seeing the new players and experiencing a shift in the zeitgeist, enjoying kindred spirits all around me. On the other, I started to see oversaturation and copycatting.
Knock Knock continued to grow in all the ways I could have hoped for creatively (aka the front end), but—equally as important, I would learn—it also grew on the back end. Because oddly enough, for me creating products that sold was the easy part. It was the other stuff that brought me to my knees. But with a lot (a lot!) of trial and error (especially error!), we figured out how to manufacture and ship and warehouse and QC and sell and fulfill and bill and pay and balance our checkbooks—otherwise known as “financial statements” (another big old learning-curve ball of wax). And we figured out not only how to bring in revenue but how to be profitable on the bottom line (surprisingly critical, as it turns out).
I call that “the pipes.”
And at the end of those pipes is a retailer, a customer, a person getting a package delivered to their home. If those pipes don’t work, it doesn’t matter if you make the best stuff in the world—you won’t grow very much. Not to mention that you’ll have a really miserable time doing it (and trust me: those early years of setting up the pipes were so miserable—for me at least, and for the people who had the privilege of being Jen-misery adjacent).
________________________________________________
In watching this community of like-minded companies rise up, over time there were two that stood out to me as beacons of distinct sensibility: Emily McDowell Studio and Sisters of Los Angeles.
While I first saw Sisters of Los Angeles in stores, I learned of Emily through . . . Emily herself! Some four years ago, about a year into Emily McDowell Studio, Emily learned she and I had a friend in common and asked for an introduction. We hit it off immediately—like-minded humorists, verbal and visual both, business curious, and with many similar personal experiences of being in the world.
A piece of Emily’s genius. Sadly, as Emily has previously pointed out, being a grown-ass lady often means doing what we don’t want (i.e., adulting). But in this case, we’ve done what we wanted, along with growing some asses.
I watched Emily struggle with the pipes, as I had. Then I watched her struggle some more. Every so often, I’d say, “Well, you could join us . . . ” But she wanted to do it on her own, just as I did when early potential acquisition offers came a-knock-knocking. So we became friends—you know, sort of like when you want to date someone but they cry “platonic!” But finally, in mid-July 2017, our love got real. I asked her one last time. And in that moment, she said, “You know, I just might . . . ”
And we were off to the mergers-and-acquisition races.
I couldn’t wait to tell Jim and Craig, Knock Knock’s president and publisher, respectively. They were as over the moon as I was, and the courtship (i.e., the contract negotiation, when you learn a lot about the other party, like how they handle conflict, whether they can compromise, what’s important to them, do they leave their dirty socks on the floor, etc.) was begun. We slid into the home base of our marriage on January 1, 2018, which, believe it or not, is a greatly accelerated pace for an acquisition. And it was way, way, way more work than either of us anticipated. With lawyers. And accountants. And analysts. And So. Much. Information.
How could you not love Sisters of Los Angeles’s California twist on a saint candle?
With Sara Stein and Sisters of Los Angeles, things came about differently. Lucky enough to be an Angeleno for their first line of Los Angeles commemorative products, I’d seen Sisters products in stores right away, as soon as they launched in 2014. We do drive a bit in LA, and as SNL’s “The Californians” got just right, we also talk about it, even more than other people discuss the weather (and it’s no less compulsive or boring). To see “The 405”—one of our main freeways, and with the LA-unique definite article—on a rocks glass? Clever. To see tasteful, sophisticated souvenirs? Sublime.
Sara and I began a reciprocal Liking relationship on Instagram, as one does. I followed Sisters. I tagged Sisters when I set the table with their tablemats. Sara followed me back. And then I decided I wanted to meet this person. I do that sometimes—just reach out to a person I admire to see if they’d like to have lunch. (Not to “pick their brains,” though, a phrase I detest.) Serendipitously, Sara and I met the very same week of my “Let’s go for it” conversation with Emily. We talked. We talked some more. We didn’t close the place down, because it’s open all day, but we certainly thinned it out. I learned many amazing things about Sara and Sisters that day, but one thing that stuck with me was that Sara also was struggling with the back end. The pipes.
Knock Knock had been thinking about growing through acquisition, and Jim and Craig and I had tossed around a few “What about that company?” ideas, but this sprang into my consciousness fully formed: I knew right away that Knock Knock + Emily McDowell Studio + Sisters of Los Angeles was a powerhouse concept of complementarity. I breathlessly proposed the plan to Jim and Craig as the next step in our evolution, and they were immediately on board. This was no small thing. Many ideas come across our transoms, and we certainly can’t do all of them. Also, Jim tends to be conservative about potentially risky, resource-consuming stuff. But both he and Craig were all in.
Left to right: Craig Hetzer (publisher), Jen Bilik (CEO), and Jim Papscoe (president). Sounds pretty official, huh?
________________________________________________
During the acquisition process, we all learned so very much. I learned that mergers and acquisitions (you know: M&A!) involve infinite reams of contracts and financial statements and data. I learned even more than I already knew that Jim, Craig, and I are a dream team. I learned that (finally! also no small thing!) we absolutely have the right legal and financial advisors. I learned yet again that when Knock Knock needs something special, something extra, something outside our day-to-day operations, the crew steps right up and we learn together. I learned that I did indeed want to be business partners with Emily and Sara. I learned that there are so very many possibilities beyond the obvious—and beyond the immediate—in our trifecta.
Most important for me personally, however, I learned I could still regenerate my own rocket fuel. I started Knock Knock with rocket fuel, but after the first seven years of ninety-hour weeks, I was running on rocket fumes. By the time I could slow my marathon-length sprint, I was burned out. By the time I was no longer burned out, I was an executive. I wasn’t actually doing any creative, just leading it, and tending to legal and finance and HR and . . . well, I never wanted to be an executive when I grew up. I could do it reasonably well, but I didn’t love it. It did not serve to replenish the creative rocket fuel in my tanks.
But in the process of hitching up Knock Knock, Emily McDowell Studio, and Sisters of Los Angeles, I was once again creating—not a product, but something new, and new to me, rather than simply shuffling around the pieces of something that had become overly familiar. And even better, the creation was a collaboration of the highest order.
I created Knock Knock. Emily created Emily McDowell Studio. Sara created Sisters of Los Angeles. Now, together, we create the Who’s There Group. We are more than the sum of our lady parts. Just you wait.
You know it’s a big deal when we make a video about it.
January 2, 2018
2018: Phew or Phuck?
Happy first-day-back-at-2018 school! Or, as we adults call it, WORK.
I think almost all can agree that 2017 was a challenge on many levels, whether personal, professional, national, or global. And the poll we did on Facebook bears that out: 76% said “Phew” to 2017 being over, while only 24% said “Phuck.” That’s even lower than Trump’s approval rating, which, of course, is the lowest in polling history (cf. national and global challenges).
To make things a little better, we’re offering you catharsis (or help making your Phew/Phuck decision, adapted from first pad ever, the 2003 classic Pro-Con) and a scientifically proven way to make 2018 better—by setting your 2018 intentions day by day. For one week, they’ll be up on our blog for download. (If the first-person is throwing you off, it’s still me, Knock Knock head honcho Jen Bilik.)
Click pic to download and print.
Click pic to download and print.
Downloads for personal, individual use only. Do not duplicate elsewhere. Both are copyright Knock Knock. So there.
December 19, 2017
What Not to Say to People This Holiday Season
Don’t be a frosty snowman (or woman) this season. Consult our What Not To Say book during your holiday downtime—and while in the general vicinity of other human beings—and avoid being a prick. No one likes a holiday stress-inducing Scrooge, especially not the faux pas-spouting kind.
What Not to Say at the Airport
1. A bean burrito and two coffees are just what I needed before a five-hour flight.
2. I’m on a no-fly list, but only to countries in the United Nations.
3. My service animal is a python.
4. Someone help me chug this before going through security!
5. What’s the TSA’s policy on MDMA?
What Not to Say at a Family Gathering
1. I figured I’d see all of you here or at the next funeral.
2. Are we eating the same thing as last time? Because that gave me the squirts.
3. Is it a problem if I move back in?
4. You’ve come a long way since those diary entries I read.
5. My therapist was right.
What Not to Say in Church
1. I’m starving. When do we get those crackers?
2. I’m not wearing any underwear.
3. I think the mushrooms are starting to kick in.
4. You call that wine?
5. Hail, Satan!
What Not to Say During a Dinner Party
1. Let’s talk politics!
2. I brought a nice bottle of red… Mountain Dew.
3. Would you mind cooking this steak a little more?
4. Oh, this is the main course.
5. Before I start eating–your toilet works fine, doesn’t it?
What Not to Say at An Office Party
1. This is just like the party they threw right before the last round of layoffs.
2. I overheard the boss talking–what’s a hostile takeover?
3. Remember the last holiday party? I don’t.
4. This is cool because I’m usually drunk at the office anyway.
5. Oh, so you’re the one who’s not getting promoted.
Have an awkward holiday exchange to share? Tell us in a comment.
December 4, 2017
How to Throw a Holiday Hibernation Party (for One)
’Tis the season to scour last-minute online shopping deals, wrap up hectic end-of-year projects, and plan travel with prowess you never knew you possessed. Nothing sucks up your energy quite like the holidays.
Before you completely lose it in all the madness, take the night off, glue your bottom to the couch, and get some self-hibernation inspiration from these pointers. Seclusion doesn’t get any better than this.
1. Silence everyone.
Put your phone on Do Not Disturb. No more endless group chats, text messages, or notifications to disrupt your all-night lazy fest. Tonight is all about you preventing holiday burnout.
2. Prep for some serious snacking.
Stockpile go-to’s like chips, pre-cut fruit, ice cream, or packs of dried seaweed if that’s your thing. We recommend popchips’ tasty flavors like aged white cheddar and tangy barbecue.
3. Dress to (not) impress.
Wear what your heart desires—be it your favorite sweats or your birthday suit. We also won’t judge you if you don this wine glass holder necklace (aka the “WineYoke”).
4. Make delicious spirits.
Be your own bartender with easy yet tasty cocktails and mocktails. We suggest trying a few recipes from Drinks for Mundane Tasks to get you going.
5. Plan your watchlist beforehand.
Use a TV and movie-tracking app like Trakt.tv to make sure you don’t miss a scene. Also, take advantage of Sling’s 7-day free trial in case you want to watch cable sans-cable.
6. Go on a book binge.
Or, if you want to give the TV a break for the night, pick up one of the novels from the unread stack of books piled up by your bed and actually read it. Goodreads has a great list of classics titles to turn to if you aren’t sure what to read next.
7. Turn your sofa time into spa time.
Have yourself a very merry at-home facial and use a rich, moisturizing mask, like SkinOwl’s beauty whip or moisturize like a champ with their Beauty Drops.
8. Paint a masterpiece with Bob Ross.
We all miss Bob. If you haven’t visited his YouTube channel yet, maybe tonight’s the night to tune in and learn from the master. Perhaps try painting a beautiful mountainscape or a scenic stream to feel as if you’re actually outside.
9. Journal away jitters.
We all know journaling reduces stress. So whether you’re self-reflecting on your current mental state or fleshing out your shit list, jot it down in a notebook. Our I Need Some Serious Me Time Inner-Truth™ Journal (complete with solitude-inspiring quotes) can be of service.
10. Sleep.
Self-explanatory.
Have a tip to add to the list? Tell us in a comment.
November 27, 2017
Poems Inspired by craigslist Missed Connections That Will Give You All the Feels
Since 2009, journalist and poet Alan Feuer has collected, curated, and shaped craigslist Missed Connections ads into featured poetry collections for the New York Times. These fresh and oh-so cheeky “found poem”* compositions evoke romantic musings in otherwise mundane circumstances. Who ever imagined a timeless meet-cute at a port-o-potty?
Knock Knock combed through Alan’s NYT “Poetic Connections” section and curated it into an oddly sweet, funny, and curious collection: I Hope You Find Me: The Love Poems of craiglist’s Missed Connections.
“It was probably a decade ago that I first became addicted to [Missed Connections]. Early on, I was drawn to their rawness, to the way they summoned, powerfully and with an almost artless beauty, all the prismatic colors in love’s emotional palette. Here was ecstasy, infatuation, sexual heat, sexual anxiety, romantic awkwardness, erotic bravado—not to mention bitterness, despair, and jealous rage,” Feuer writes in I Hope You Find Me’s intro. “It was only later that something else occurred to me: Here, also, was a vast and untapped body of poetry, waiting only to be noticed and given a little shape.”
The book features sections ranging from hyper-romanticized themes like “Rain” and “Lust” to humdrum places like “Grocery Stores” and “Gas Stations.” Similar to Alan’s NYT pieces, each poem in the book has been reprinted verbatim with only line and stanza breaks added. Poem titles, such as “In the Back of Your Cop Car Sunday,” and “Dairy Indecision or Mooching Air Conditioning,” have been lifted from the actual subject headings of each ad.
Now grab a warm adult beverage, cuddle up by the fireplace, and enjoy the I Hope You Find Me excerpts below.
We Were A Pretend Couple for A Night
Just after I had just introduced myself to you,
a drunk acquaintance came across,
asking how long we’d been together,
thinking that we were a couple.
Without missing a beat, you replied,
“Three years,” and smiled at me
as though I was truly the man
you had loved for the past three years.
I loved how you played along in that moment
and continued to play along for the rest of the night.
We walked hand in hand in the cold.
Partied at the after-party.
Talked about everything and nothing.
Drank each other’s drinks.
Laughed at each other’s silliness.
Danced in each other’s arms.
Walked together to the train.
Kissed kissed kissed in the cold.
And then you disappeared through the train doors…
I cannot forget how your eyes glitter.
I wanted to take you home that night.
I can still taste your lips.
I want to know if it can be more than pretend.
I hear your laugh in my ear.
I want to make love to you.
I feel your breath against my neck.
I think of you much more than one should think
of a pretend girlfriend.
Hot Man with A Cute Dog
it’s not hot or cool
to yank your dog roughly.
dogs are living creatures,
not accessories.
if you’re cranky,
breathe in through your nose.
hold it for a few seconds
and then breathe out
through your mouth.
do it with me now.
iiiiinnnnn.
hooooooooold it.
a little longer.
now ooouuuuuttt.
feel better?
now let your dog piss
on the hydrant
and smell the garbage
thoroughly.
and have a nice day
you fucking meanie.
Absolutely Stunning Girl in White at Blonde Redhead**
Your pants had some peachy
colored designs on them.
There’s no question
you won’t see this but you
were just too beautiful for words.
Exchanging banal wishes
of a happy new year
with such an extraordinary person
will sharpen and color
my whole year more brightly.
If I hadn’t been so drunk
and content
I would have begged you
to let me lay
the world at your feet.
I silently did.
*“Found poetry” are poems composed from restructuring an existing text’s words or phrases.
**Poem is republished from nytimes.com.
To read all sixty-nine (an appropriate number) I Hope You Find Me poems, get your copy.
November 9, 2017
These Cocktail Recipes for Tedious Tasks Will Keep You in Good Spirits
Sometimes eggnog isn’t enough to get you through the tasks you most want to avoid this season—like untangling never-ending heaps of string lights or braving Black Friday crowds. But what if you could pair cocktails with everyday errands to keep your holiday spirits bright?
Our new book Drinks for Mundane Tasks: 70 Cocktail Recipes for Everyday Chores by David Vienna tackles just that. The excerpt recipes below will help you get crap done while keeping your mind somewhat merry. Now stand up, raise a glass, and get to it!
1. Writing a to-do list: The Priority One
Yes, there’s nothing more gratifying than a well-written to-do list, except perhaps the Priority One. The fizzy tonic will make sure you stay focused, stay refreshed, and stay happy. Of course, if “Restock the bar” is on your to-do list, you may have a bit of a conundrum.
INGREDIENTS
2 oz tequila
½ oz crème de cassis
1 oz orange juice
1 oz pineapple juice
7UP®
INSTRUCTIONS
Mix tequila, crème de cassis, orange juice, and pineapple juice in a cocktail shaker with ice. Strain into a collins glass, and then top off with 7Up. On your list, check off “Make myself a good drink.”
2. Doing laundry: The Lost Sock
The pile of freshly washed and dried clothes may put a wrinkle in your day, but thanks to the apricot garnish of the Lost Sock you’ll get plenty of iron. Now, the steps are wash, dry, fold, stack, sip, repeat.
INGREDIENTS
2 oz rye
1 oz dry vermouth
1 dash Angostura bitters
apricot
INSTRUCTIONS
Mix rye, vermouth, and bitters in a cocktail shaker with ice. Shake, strain into a martini glass, and garnish with apricot. Consider leaving the laundry until tomorrow.
3. Holiday decorating: The Zombie Claus
Whether it’s July 5th, November 1st, December 26th, or any of the other dates that follow major holidays, the thankless work of [putting up and] taking down decorations must be done. Break out the boxes, but before you swap out your patriotic lawn ornaments or wrestle the fake spider webs out of the hedges, make a Zombie Claus.
INGREDIENTS
3 oz sauvignon blanc
2 oz lime juice
2 oz orange juice
2 oz pineapple juice
2 oz apple juice
1 oz grenadine
½ oz almond syrup
mint sprig
INSTRUCTIONS
Mix wine, lime juice, orange juice, pineapple juice, apple juice, grenadine, and almond syrup in a blender with ice. Pour into a cocktail glass and garnish with mint sprig. Do not attempt to drink while wearing vampire teeth.
Want more tasteful cocktail and task pairings? Get your copy of Drinks for Mundane Tasks , or gift it to someone who has a very long to-do list.
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