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When You Hate, We All Lose

I have lived long enough to see how this plays out. Hatred is never a winning hand. Neither is selfishness.

As a lawyer, I chose early on in my career to avoid handling divorce cases. They are, for the most part, bitter, protracted, and driven by vengeance, entitlement, and hatred. And in every instance, when the case concludes, neither side wins. Occasionally, more rational heads prevailed, the parties choose to recognize their differences, commit to being civil, and seek common ground for the sake of the kids. Even if they did not have children, the best humans made concessions and divided up property equitably or willingly provided for the spouse with more significant needs.

Election Day

Today, as the country barrels on towards a murky election day, driven primarily either by self-interest or hatred for the opponent or other party, we are all destined to be losers on November 4th, 2020.

Take a step back from the emotions and examine your position and your motivations that drive your desire to vote. Better yet, if you don’t vote, what accounts for your apathy?

Admit it, in this political system; the love of your candidate isn’t likely what motivates you to vote. Instead, it is either an intense disdain for the other candidate or, more telling, it is disdain for the other party and the people who support the ideology and its candidate.

It’s Not About You

If you dare, drill down to the core of your intense feelings. You’ll most likely find out it is really about you and your self-interests. What is the other party taking that you feel you are entitled to keep? What are you fiercely protecting that you consider to be yours?

When we are driven by self-interests, or worse, by hatred, it is impossible to see the other side as humans and ever to compromise our position and to provide for their needs. Even if those needs are generations-long, we can’t do that if it is only about us.

Its Not About You

In the final analysis, this election isn’t about what you think you deserve, and others do not. It is about what is best for everyone. And you can’t get there without stepping away from you.

As in all bitter divorces, if we will not step outside our emotions and be objective, dispassionate, caring, and selfless in our intent and our actions, both parties lose. The relationship breaks beyond repair, the family house is gone, and the kid’s lives ruined.

The Past is Prologue

History is clear about how this turns out. Fear, hatred, violence, militia, military, tyranny. If we are arrogant enough to believe we are better than what history has taught us than we have already failed.

We may have one last chance to save this American Experiment. It will take thinking about the family first. You will realize you deserve a lot less than you think you do, and any hatred is destructive. You will listen to what the other side is saying, instead of those voices of judgment in your head. Only then we might all have a chance to win.

If you cannot do this, then think about the kids. They don’t deserve all your hatred and self interest. That much is certain.

Grateful for Being in the Eye of the Storm

Recently, my friend, Anna Catalano, hosted a Zoom Happy Hour. Like the rest of us, Anna was missing old friends and the lack of intimacy that Covid-19 has rained down upon us. During the call, it might have just been the question, or the timing, or the way our good friend Professor Rob Wolcott artfully presented it. Since all this began, what are you grateful for now?

I immediately became present to the fact that I have been living right in the center of the social storm that has upended our lives at the same time as the virus. It is not as if I didn’t know it. However, when you are fully present to something, especially in the space of gratitude, there is a flood of awareness and feelings. I didn’t share them, because, well, it was a Happy Hour, it was crowded, and there was only so much time. I didn’t want to be that guy.

The Calm Before the Storm

If there is calm before the storm, I do not doubt for a single moment, there will be peace after chaos.

Sai Pradeep

The night before everything shut down in March, we all remember the foreboding, if not the actual realization that this was not going to be an ordinary time ahead for us. It was a logical crisis from the beginning for which we had warnings and lessons from other countries. A highly contagious pathogen, less than the optimal healthy populace, and a broken and inequitable healthcare system that cannot protect the projected critically ill required a quick, unified response. Of course, all the horses got out before we shut the barn door. And in our uniquely American way, we managed to politicize a health crisis and meet it with haphazard planning and gross mishandling. But that is a different conversation for another time.

As fate would have it that evening, I was at the Symphony Center, attending one of the last major public events in Chicago. It was an annual tradition with my sister, Kathleen, to attend Old St. Patricks Siamsa na nGael. The event features some of the world’s best Celtic dancers, singers, musicians, and bagpipers joined by a multicultural group of brilliant artists. A bonus is one of the headliners is a long time family friend, Catherine O’Connell.

The evenings narrated performance fittingly wove Irish and African American history dance, music, and culture. As in years past, the production told the stories of our respective ancestor’s sordid history with slave ships, oppression, and immigration discrimination. I can not recall any past Siamsa where I had even glanced at my phone, lost in the brilliance of the performance.

However, this year, the air was heavy with anxiety, and the usual sold-out venue was half full. The first bulletin to pop up on my phone was the Tom and Rita Hanks diagnoses, quickly followed by the NBA suspending the rest of the season. I turned to my sister and said we needed to head out the side door and straight home as soon as the event was over. It might have been the beginning of the year of our upside-down world, but I am grateful for that particular evening; and the performance’s context as it relates to future events.

First Responders on the Front Lines

When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.

Fred Rogers

However, my overall gratitude since all this began centers on the fact that since day two, I have spent every day working and several days a week meeting with first responders. At the same time, I work with underserved communities most affected and ill-prepared to deal with the virus. As a lawyer, I provide estate planning services and Living Trusts in particular. Lawyers are essential employees as it relates to the pandemic response lockdown. As you can imagine, deadly viruses and uncertainty increase the call for estate plans. So in that part of my professional life, we have been busier than ever. When I say, I mean we. For 30 years, my front line worker, my secretary, the one and only Shelly, the glue that holds it all together, never misses a day and is the best helper of all. I am forever grateful for Shelly.

While our clients are varied, the front line workers I have represented for over three decades were lining up – police officers, EMT’s, nurses, firefighters. Tragically, some clients have died; others have lost family members and friends to COVID-19. However, I am grateful to be with them during this time, to hear their stories, trusted with their vulnerabilities as they stand in the face of uncertainty and personal risk. To be able to provide them with some peace of mind and friendship was the most valuable gift of all.

Then came Minneapolis and George Floyd. The callous indifference to a human being’s life and death displayed in the real-time video for the world to see. And the long-overdue cause of Black Lives Matter filled the streets. Since that time, we have full-on displayed a societal dysfunction that is beyond heartbreaking, and we continue to do so. As the storm brewed and erupted, I found myself in a familiar position – right in the center of it.

Chicago’s Segregation Legacy

We’ve come a long way from the days of state-enforced segregation, but we still have a way to go.

Ruth Bader-Ginsberg

I was born on the Westside of Chicago. We moved to the Northwest Side when I was eight, but I spent a great deal of time in my grandmother’s Division and Laramie apartment. I swam in the La Follett Park pool, and played in the park, surrounded by kids who, at best, were only curious about their differences. Not so much the adults, and in White Flight, we flew to the homogeneously White Northwest Side.

From my teenage years, legends in the community mentored me; Jesse White and . From the Westside and Lawndale to Cabrini Green, I had no choice but to learn and understand the communities and African American culture and their reality. And I am grateful that I did. To fully understand African American history related to today’s issues, it would take a heck of a lot longer than this blog post, and I only know so much. With my entire life immersed in it and through lifelong friends made along the way, I continue to listen and learn.

As a native Chicagoan, my city is, without question, one of the most segregated in the world, and by design. Segregation alone is a recipe for lack of understanding, fear, and ignorance. However, the entire history of the African Americans’ existence in this country spans one arc, from owned to excluded. Their reward for emancipation is systematic segregation into defunded and disinvested neighborhoods, lack of jobs, resources, and quality education. The message is clear- their lives do not matter.

Black Lives Matter

Inequality is the root of social evil.

Pope Francis

I do not know why it is so difficult to understand. What if your ancestors arrived in this country as someone else’s property and – only 56 years ago – finally given the right to use public facilities, government services, vote, have a fair trial, a public education, and sit in front of the damn bus?

Think about it. Less than six decades ago, an entire race of people, owned as slaves, got Civil Rights, but not equal rights. They could go to school but not a good one. Sure, they could leave their neighborhood, but they wouldn’t be welcome anywhere. They could use government services finally, but good luck finding them. The polls are now open, but not to vote for someone who looks like them.

And we are to think the next 50 years were an open-armed welcome party? An equal opportunity, you can make it if you work hard system for African Americans?

African American Reality

Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed unless it is faced.

James Baldwin

Today, if you are African American:

You are a casualty of your parent’s average $213,000 loss of wealth because of redlining. The racist redlining lending practice rejected borrowers based on race or where they lived. A creditworthy Black person could not obtain a loan to renovate their homes or move to the beautiful new suburbs. And they couldn’t sell their house anyway, because their community was off-limits for issuing a mortgage to any prospective purchaser. If your parent had an ironically named white-collar job, they were among the five percentile who did, and it didn’t come with equal pay or promotions. In 2020 the median wealth of Black families is just 1/10 of the median wealth of White families, $17,000/$171,000.Today, Black families earn $57.30 for every $100 White families earn in pay.Black children are three times as likely to live in poverty as White children.Blacks and Latinos receive significantly less quality and accessibility of health care than Whites even when insurance and severity of conditions are comparable. Consequently, they suffer from 30-40% poorer outcomes than Whites. Blacks and Whites now graduate at the same rate from high school and equally attend college but not equally educated or equally compensated upon graduation and throughout their careers.There are nearly 1.4 million lawyers in the U.S. ( I know, yikes.) Just 2% of the partners in all law firms are Black.You will be stopped for driving Black. Taxis will pass you by; you’ll be mistaken for the valet, turned away as a tenant, treated differently in malls, restaurants, or just walking down the street. Every day, you will hear micro-aggressive racist comments.

The list goes on. As Kenny Williams, the GM of the Chicago White Sox said when a White friend asked him what it is like being Black every day, “It’s exhausting.” And he is a professional athlete, an executive, and wealthy.

Until we acknowledge the inherent racism that exists in our words, thoughts, and institutions, we will fail as a society and decent humans. African Americans are suffocating from society kneeling on their necks since they arrived here in chains. Resist the dismissive All Lives Matter, until they actually do. Black lives deserve this moment, this movement, to help level the playing field. If not, now, when?

Be the Solution, not the Problem

There is no more neutrality in the world. You either have to be part of the solution, or you’re going to be part of the problem.

Eldridge Cleaver

This is America, though, and Black Lives Matter – the movement, not the organization – has devolved from support to resentment, and peaceful protests conflated with riots and looting. People of all races and ages finally joined to walk beside them. Now all Blacks are held responsible for the bad actors who turned their peaceful marches into riots. We can all agree that rioting and looting are criminal, subject to arrest, and prosecution. We can condemn it and wish that it didn’t happen. But a Black person from the heart of a desperately deprived community might condemn looting, but they understand it. They know where it is coming from; those who own nothing of value, including hope.

As Trevor Noah eloquently stated, society is a contract, an agreement to follow standard rules, practices, and ideals. However, “there is no contract when people in power don’t uphold their end of it. We need people at the top to be accountable because they set the tone, tenor, and example for everything we do in society.”

Malcom Gladwell wrote, “This is called the “principle of legitimacy,” and legitimacy is based on three things. First of all, the people who are asked to obey authority have to feel like they have a voice—that if they speak up, they will be heard. Second, the law has to be predictable. There has to be a reasonable expectation that the rules tomorrow are going to be roughly the same as the rules today. And third, the authority has to be fair. It can’t treat one group differently from another.”

Do you wonder why there is so much anger in this country, particularly in urban and rural America? Look to the failed social policies over decades by both political parties—some well-intentioned, some downright evil. Throw in the widespread failure of public education and the absence of good role models. Add it up, and you have millions of isolated and deprived people, fueled by willful ignorance and confirmation bias. It fosters distrust, fear, and a complete lack of understanding. Now cap it off with elected officials who intentionally stoke the flames and media silos of selective bias, fear-mongering, negativity, and pandering.

It is a mess, and it is time to clean it up. It is time to be informed, get involved, advocate, vote, and insist on integrity and honesty from elected officals. Seek out unbiased, honest news sources. Don’t look for what you want to hear, or enter conversations already listening to that voice in your head. Ask yourself if you are being objective and attempting to understand, rather then judge. Be part of the solution and not part of the problem.

Serve and Protect

The duties of an officer are the safety, honor, and welfare of your country first; the honor, welfare, and comfort of the men in your command second; and the officer’s own ease, comfort, and safety last.

George S. Patton

I am also the son of a Chicago police officer, and my grandfather was a chief with CPD. I have been a police lawyer for over three decades. Lost in all legitimate, peaceful police brutality protests are the thousands of good police, who work every day walking the line to protect law-abiding citizens. Let’s face it, no matter how they became to be who they are; there are a lot of bad people out there. Good police stand between them and us. And they deserve respect and cooperation and certainly not bricks and bottles thrown at them for trying to keep the peace.

Let’s face the other truth. There are too many bad police, at best with bad attitudes, and at worst with bad intentions. None of them belong in a police department or carry a badge and a gun. Bad cops may have lost their way, never appropriately trained, become jaded and disillusioned by all they have seen that the average person never will, or are just awful people. If you are that officer and are young, find another career. If you are old enough, do yourself and all of us a favor – take your pension and go. Being part of the problem isn’t a good look for you or any of us.

Now, can we all understand what defunding the police means? It doesn’t mean disbanding the police, at least to most people who are calling for it. It involves using resources to invest in marginalized, disinvested communities, with the highest crime rates to help prevent future crime. The issue I have is government inefficacy and waste, special interests, and corruption. This is Illinois and Chicago, after all. But it isn’t much different on the federal level and across the country in local governments. Honestly examine the budget of the CPD and its top-heavy command staff and other costs. And transfer funds from other bloated agencies to underserved areas. Three generations of community neglect and we do nothing except consciously let it get worse. It should not be a surprise that we are in this situation today. It is criminal.

We aren’t going to arrest and incarcerate our way out of this situation in Chicago, or any high crime area. It is entirely illogical in a country that contains 5% of the world’s population, yet 25% of the world’s prisoners. The strategy isn’t working, folks. It costs $214,620 a year to imprison a young person, a 44% increase since 2014. It is insane. And it ruins the remainder of their life. Do you think that prevention might be a better use of that money? It is certainly not used for rehabilitation in our failed prison industrial complex.

Prison Industrial Complex

It is said that no one truly knows a nation until one has been inside its jails. A nation should not be judged by how it treats its highest citizens, but its lowest ones.

Nelson Mandela

Our prison system is simply a collection of private and public companies that maximize profit and minimize rehabilitation. Just two of the corporate prison companies generate over $2.9 billion every year in revenue, with $80 billion spent annually on correction facilities. The annual economic burden of incarceration in the United States is $1 trillion. More than half of the costs are paid by families, children, and citizens who have committed no crime.

People go to jail 10.6 million times each year. 25% have a root cause of poverty, mental illness, or substance abuse, whose problems worsen after incarceration. If we continue to imprison people for victimless crimes and hold all prisoners in a system that releases them as hardened criminals, we have failed as a functional society. If prevention and rehabilitation isn’t our goal for those who commit crimes, what are we doing? And who are we?

Crime is not a Reality TV Show

Justice must always question itself, just as society can exist only by means of the work it does on itself and on its institutions.

Michel Foucault

Violent crime is real. It shouldn’t be ignored, nor used as a political sound bite. Unless we support and provide better training for the police, they cannot effectively and appropriately handle their job to keep law-abiding citizens safe. Spend money on social workers, mental health professionals, domestic abuse counselors, health care workers, homeless, alcohol and drug counselors, so the police do not have to perform all of those roles like they do today. They can then be free to be the good police, solve crime, contain criminals, and serve and protect.

Good policing requires the police to partner with communities and develop positive relationships with citizens. Respect and trust are not a privilege and an expectation; they are earned. And it goes both ways. Citizens must return respect and cooperation with the good police. Together we can assume our responsibilities and restore relationships between the communities and the police and with each other. It is a responsibility that is essential for bringing reform to our policing, prisons, and the entire criminal justice system.

The Generation We Have Been Waiting For

No one is born a good citizen; no nation is born a democracy. Rather, both are processes that continue to evolve over a lifetime. Young people must be included from birth. A society that cuts off from its youth severs its lifeline.

Kofi Anan

My other source of gratitude in the center of these stormy days is being fortunate to work daily with people, and especially kids, from these very marginalized communities. Please make no mistake about it, they protest and grieve daily for the violence and death in their communities. When I started Dreams for Kids in 1989, my idealism couldn’t allow me to imagine that all the poverty and disenfranchisement and inequality that existed then could be worse in 2020. But here we are.

Lost in all the hand wringing on quarantines is our kid’s welfare. And not just our own kids. It is terrible enough that every kid today has to carry the burden of living with seemingly insurmountable social issues that threaten their furture. Trapped in a society full of toxic civil discourse with too many horrendous role models and awful, divisive, leaders, now their childhood is remote. Imagine what that feeling must be like as a kid. And when your community was already remote from resources, remote learning is more than an inconvenience. It is a tragedy.

But I get to be in daily communication with these kids, and with their extraordinary parents. When I wonder how the parents keep it together for their kids with so little support, savings, pay, and resources, I think of my mother. As a woman and single parent of four children, the deck was stacked against her. I will never forget seeing her pay-stub and trying to comprehend, even as a young kid, how she managed it all on $6,600 a year. How did she do it? Great parents, especially mothers, just find a way to get it done.

I wish everyone knew how ready this generation of youth is to pick up the flickering torch and create a better world. This is the generation we have been waiting for. This generation of kids gets it. And they won’t be held back. They have zero tolerance for ignoring the issues we have left them such as racism, immigration, education, health, corruption, inequality, gun violence, and the environment. They see these issues as responsibilities to be embraced immediately. Their worldview is our planet and our communities are something to be given to, not taken from.

Creating Their Future Today

Few will have the greatness to bend history itself, but each of us can work to change a small portion of events. It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped. Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.

Robert F. Kennedy

Even with all the challenges they face today, millions of youth are not waiting to make a difference and are creating their future today. Dreams for Kids has a youth executive board representative of this generation. Ages 7-13, every one of these young leaders is running nonprofits and social enterprises with deep impact. Since the day our country and the world shut down, they stepped up. Just this year, this group of extraordinary youths has rallied their peers to support the homeless, seniors, animal rights, the environment, education, gun violence efforts, equality, hunger, arts, and antibullying. They have created initiatives that have helped thousands of people this year alone. I am also grateful to be with them during these times.

We have a responsibility to every kid today. To stop feeling sorry for ourselves and stop longing for everything to get back to normal. Normal is what got us here. And if we can’t even unify against a virus, how can we unite our country and secure their future? Sadly, one of the kids told me, “No offense, but your generation has to die off for us to make any meaningful progress.” If we cant get it right, we cannot be part of the solution; instead of being the problem – then we must step aside and get out of the way of progress. Until we work together and unite the red and blue states, we will be the United States in name only. The American Experiment will be a work in progress and it risks failure.

Since we are giving our kids a world of unprecedented challenges, let us share our energy, resources, and unwavering support with them as they work to create a future they deserve.

If Not Now, When?

Never doubt that a thoughtful, committed group of citizens can change the world; indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.

Margaret Meade

The virus and the protests exposed the flaws and inequities in our society. It may not break us, but it has revealed what is broken in our American Experiment. With 78% of Americans living paycheck to paycheck, we have an economy that works for a very few and supports an obscene division of wealth and poverty. We all have rights, but they are not equally distributed. Our health care system is a sick care system. It doesn’t efficiently and effectively work for anyone and is not accessible to everyone. Not voting is the price we pay for dysfunctional, inefficient government and grossly corrupt and incompetent elected officials. Or not thinking before we do vote.

Where do we go from here? Let’s face it; this greatest challenge has brought the worst out of us, and the best. Let’s not let the worst prevail. It starts with accepting our responsibilities, starting with civility. If we can’t seek to understand, rather than judge, and set aside righteousness for listening, learning, and growing, who are we?

Whether we are in the eye of the storm, facing it on the front lines head-on every day as a hero trying to contain it, or in quarantine trying to stay safe from it, we each are accountable for what comes next. When the winds die down, and the sun comes out again, every one of us has to do our part to clean up the mess, help the victims, lift the vulnerable, take action to prevent the next storm, and set an enduring example for our kids.

As Rabbi Hillel the Elder said, “If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?”

How Do We End the Hate?

“We must undergo a radical revolution of values. We must rapidly begin the shift from a thing-oriented society to a person oriented society.”

Martin Luther King, Jr.

New York World-Telegram and the Sun staff photographer: DeMarsico, Dick



It’s Not Anyone’s Fault

We have become a society of blame and deep division. It has devolved into hatred. And it is no more evident than in our public discourse, of, “I’m right. You’re wrong. Now shut up.”

It doesn’t matter if we have little of our own and are on the outside looking in. Or if we have enough and feel those who don’t deserve it are taking what we have. The question we should be asking is – “How did we get here?” Answering that question will take a deeper dive into an honest analysis of the state of our society and our values.

One of Martin Luther Kings lesser known speeches is arguably the most important today.

It was his 1967 speech, “Beyond Vietnam.”

What Are Our Values?

In the speech, King spoke of extreme materialism and extreme militarism and how both were driving us further apart and destroying intrinsic human values.

If we can agree that where American society is right now is not a good place, then we should admit we need a solution. And to arrive at that solution, we would consider King’s advice:

“Here is the true meaning and value of compassion and nonviolence, when it helps us to see the enemy’s point of view … For from his view we may indeed see the basic weaknesses of our own condition, and if we are mature, we may learn and grow and profit from the wisdom of the brothers who are called the oppostion.”

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Let’s start by ceasing to call the opposition names and declaring them to be wrong. Instead, try to understand, with compassion, why they feel the way they do.

Shifting Societies Priorities

Now the hard work begins. If we can shift our awareness to conscious listening with compassion, it will change our understanding, but it won’t change our situation.

King was prescient in many ways, not the least of which was recognizing that extreme materialism and extreme militarism was a zero sum game. It would result in dividing citizens among class and identity. Our national refrain is that we fight our wars for democracy and human rights. In reality we wage battle for capitalism, power and profit.

When we fight for having more, we begin the descent into more never being enough. More critically, greed becomes the driving force. When that happens, the pie we are fighting over is distributed unfairly.

Whose Wealth is it Anyway?

If the pie is wealth, then the distribution of it is stunning in its unfairness. Worse, our perception of how it is distributed is as wrong as the distribution itself. We certainly know that the distribution is unequal. According to the study in the link above, from ThinkReality, the top 1% of Americans have 40% of all wealth in the U.S. The bottom 80% of all Americans – comprised of all lower and middle-class citizens – have only 7% of all the wealth. Let that sink in.

The truth is that the bottom 40% of all Americans hardly have any of the wealth at all, not even crumbs at the bottom of the pan. And middle-class Americans have been losing ground for decades.

I do not sound a rallying cry for socialism; I’m merely stating the facts that no matter how hard most Americans work, they will continue to fall behind. And 40% of the country has little to no opportunity to advance at all from poverty. It isn’t about hard work. It is about opportunity and standard of living. And both of these essentials have become more scarce over the last 20-30 years. I know this all too well from the financial wellness company I started, Comprehensive Benefits of America, LLC. The latest data finds that 58% of all Americans have less than $1,000 in savings.

So how do we get to where everyone wins?

Elvert Barnes from Baltimore, Maryland, USA [CC BY-SA 2.0



We Are All In This Together

With this reality, we need to stop looking at people in urban and rural America as being all that different from each other. And understand that frustrations, and in many cases, desperation, have led them to blame others. So, they blame those who are different from them; because of their appearances, living conditions, possessions, political beliefs, and social class. But sadly it is primarily based on what they misunderstand about them.

It is time we move from a “thing” oriented society to a “person” oriented society. Let’s learn from who we call the opposition, and discover what we have in common. And most importantly, let’s join together to level the playing field, so that opportunity is equally available, and hard work is rewarded with advancement.

Start with public policy on justice, equality, and fairness. Demand accountability and honesty from elected officials, or vote them out. Take a position on what foreign wars we are fighting, why we are fighting them and how they benefit all Americans. Demand to know who is a threat to our safety and well being and for what reason. Base everything on unbiased, well-researched facts. Then be part of the solution, instead of part of the problem.

And, please, let’s start with ending the hate.

“Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.”

Martin Luther King, Jr.

How Do We End the Hate Before it Ends Us?

“We must undergo a radical revolution of values. We must rapidly begin the shift from a thing-oriented society to a person oriented society.”

Martin Luther King, Jr.

New York World-Telegram and the Sun staff photographer: DeMarsico, Dick



It’s Not Anyone’s Fault

We have become a society of blame and deep division. It has devolved into hatred. And it is no more evident than in our public discourse, of, “I’m right. You’re wrong. Now shut up.”

It doesn’t matter if we have little of our own and are on the outside looking in. Or if we have enough and feel those who don’t deserve it are taking what we have. The question we should be asking is – “How did we get here?” Answering that question will take a deeper dive into an honest analysis of the state of our society and our values.

One of Martin Luther Kings lesser known speeches is arguably the most important today.

It was his 1967 speech, “Beyond Vietnam.”

What Are Our Values?

In the speech, King spoke of materialism and extreme militarism and how both were driving us further apart and destroying intrinsic human values.

If we can agree that where American society is right now is not a good place, then we should admit we need a solution. And to arrive at that solution, we would consider King’s advice:

“Here is the true meaning and value of compassion and nonviolence, when it helps us to see the enemy’s point of view … For from his view we may indeed see the basic weaknesses of our own condition, and if we are mature, we may learn and grow and profit from the wisdom of the brothers who are called the oppostion.”

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Let’s start by ceasing to call the opposition names and declaring them to be wrong. Instead, try to understand, with compassion, why they feel the way they do.

Shifting Societies Priorities

Now the hard work begins. If we can shift our awareness to conscious listening with compassion, it will change our understanding, but it won’t change our situation.

King was prescient in many ways, not the least of which was recognizing that extreme materialism and extreme militarism was a zero sum game. It would result in dividing citizens among class and identity. Our national refrain is that we fight our wars for democracy and human rights. In reality we wage battle for capitalism, power and profit.

When we fight for having more, we begin the descent into more never being enough. More critically, greed becomes the driving force. When that happens, the pie we are fighting over is distributed unfairly.

Whose Wealth is it Anyway?

If the pie is wealth, then the distribution of it is stunning in its unfairness. Worse, our perception of how it is distributed is as wrong as the distribution itself. We certainly know that the distribution is unequal. According to the study in the link above, from ThinkReality, the top 1% of Americans have 40% of all wealth in the U.S. The bottom 80% of all Americans – comprised of all lower and middle-class citizens – have only 7% of all the wealth. Let that sink in.

The truth is that the bottom 40% of all Americans hardly have any of the wealth at all, not even crumbs at the bottom of the pan. And middle-class Americans have been losing ground for decades.

I do not sound a rallying cry for socialism; I’m merely stating the facts that no matter how hard most Americans work, they will continue to fall behind. And 40% of the country has little to no opportunity to advance at all from poverty. It isn’t about hard work. It is about opportunity and standard of living. And both of these essentials have become more scarce over the last 20-30 years. I know this all too well from the financial wellness company I started, Comprehensive Benefits of America, LLC. The latest data finds that 58% of all Americans have less than $1,000 in savings.

So how do we get to where everyone wins?

Elvert Barnes from Baltimore, Maryland, USA [CC BY-SA 2.0



We Are All In This Together

With this reality, we need to stop looking at people in urban and rural America as being all that different from each other. And understand that frustrations, and in many cases, desperation, have led them to blame others. So, they blame those who are different from them; because of their appearances, living conditions, possessions, political beliefs, and social class. But sadly it is primarily based on what they misunderstand about them.

It is time we move from a “thing” oriented society to a “person” oriented society. Let’s learn from who we call the opposition, and discover what we have in common. And most importantly, let’s join together to level the playing field, so that opportunity is equally available, and hard work is rewarded with advancement.

Start with public policy on justice, equality, and fairness. Demand accountability and honesty from elected officials, or vote them out. Take a position on what foreign wars we are fighting, why we are fighting them and how they benefit all Americans. Demand to know who is a threat to our safety and well being and for what reason. Base everything on unbiased, well-researched facts. Then be part of the solution, instead part of the problem.

And, please, let’s start with ending the hate.

“Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.”

Martin Luther King, Jr.

In a Society on Edge it’s Time for Perspective

“It’s always darkest before the dawn… It’s always darkest before the end too!” 

A Dark Time

I heard Ted Turner deliver those lines once and they always make me smile. It’s also a healthy dose of perspective in a hyper political time where society is on edge. 

We enter 2017 unsettled as a society. And it’s making people feel beyond anxious. There is a palpable sense of fear for many people. For many others there is a feeling of conquest. Ideology and judgment have taken over civil discourse.  Respect, listening and learning have been replaced by, “I’m right. You’re wrong. Now shut up.” 

The truth is we are not at the beginning or near the end of anything. The recent election will not hasten the end of time, nor will it ignite a renaissance. 

Rejection of the Status Quo 

The election of Hillary Clinton would have simply been more of the same. Of course we cannot afford more of the same. The vast majority of Americans are not in a good place. The election of Donald Trump is the result of a good portion of that majority simply having enough of the elitist status quo -on both sides of a broken two party political system.

If this was all that resulted from this election it would have been dramatic, but tolerable. Instead it has unleashed vocal positions on ideology and judgement.  

Unfortunately, as I mused about  in an earlier blog, the long standing two party system championed by so many people is already obsolete.  Therefore, can we please stop arguing? You are not going to change anyone’s mind. We aren’t advancing a thing by constantly stating the obvious, engaging in the same argument over it, and calling each other stupid. 

Which leaves us with the bigger challenge. Who are we? As my yoga teacher said this morning, the election has brought out people’s true feelings. And that’s o.k.  He remarked that if you really believe there is a superior race, gender or sexuality, than play that out in the open and see how it works. Be who you want to be in society, uncloaked, out and proud, and see how those edges feel. Most importantly, let’s see how it works out for society. I agree that it is refreshing and important that we can drop all pretense. Let’s find out who we are. What is the American ideal? Who are we really?

Everyone Must Win in Society

If you believe all socialism is evil, than argue strongly against any of it, not just what you don’t want or need. For example, you should reject Medicare, social security, public works projects, universal health care, roads, education police and the military. There are dozens and dozens of American socialism programs.  

However if you believe, as I do, in a hand up and in public policy that elevates everyone to a position where they can dream, work, succeed and have rights as equal as the next person, than argue for a fair allotment of resources so that we all win. If this election was about taxes for you, pay particular attention to whether a change actually works. Accordingly, measure whether it increases productivity, jobs and prosperity. And not just for you. We are all in this together. A broken health care system, unemployment, poverty and crime costs all of us.  No sense polishing the state room of the Titanic. If we do not succeed as a society, we all fail. 

Ultimately I believe the majority of the American people will meet in the center, realizing the Left, Right political gaming of society is a massive failure and that, collectively, we can create something that actually works.

We Must Lead

I would assume just about everybody ignores the type of person who was elected. If you believe in him now, it must be in support of his policy positions, not his character or integrity, or obvious lack thereof. No doubt he has shown a vindictiveness, volatility and a shallowness marked by a near total lack of intellectual or policy curiosity that is bewildering and could prove dangerous in a complex and unsettled time, domestically and internationally. But he also has energized just about everyone to take a stand and to come out with their true and honest beliefs and to engage. And that is a very good thing.      

It is up to each of us to lead. In order to lead we must have integrity. For this reason, insist on facts. Speak your honesty, supported by truth.  Next, hold every elected official and the media to the highest standard of accountability. From here on, hold everyone to their words and their promises. Measure how any policy changes work for you and for society. 

All things considered, we should be grateful that this election has awakened a passion to be engaged. No matter what you believe, be an activist, engage in the process and argue passionately for what you believe works for all of us. 

Whether it feels dark or light, it’s time for you to become passionately active and work tirelessly for what you believe in and for our children’s future. 

If not now, when?

The post In a Society on Edge it’s Time for Perspective appeared first on Tom Tuohy.

The Political Paradigm Shift

par·a·digm shift:  An important change that happens when the usual way of thinking about or doing something is replaced by a new and different way.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                               Merriam Webster 

Our Political Reality 

A few weeks ago I was in a conversation with a high school youth I am mentoring who is already an advanced student of public policy. He remarked that we clearly are in a paradigm shift in politics. He went on to point out that the majority of people are hanging on to political labels and parties that are already obsolete, trading insults about competing ideologies that are now irrelevant. Right vs. Left. Conservative vs. Liberal. Republican vs. Democrat. He said that if anything became clear in this last political election, it is that the majority of the population is fed up with the establishment.

Change is the Only Constant in Life

As the Greek philosopher Heraclitus wrote, “Change is the only constant in life.” And yet we seem hardwired to resist change. We fight it, we deny it and we argue about it. All the while, the world changes whether we like it or not.

With change comes fear. Is different going to be better?  Will it benefit me? Where will I fit in? Of course we can adapt. But only if we are willing. We can’t look to the past to create the future.  Of course we can learn from the past, however we create future from possibility, not history.

Every president in my adult life has participated in a political system that panders to what people want to hear while partnering with special interests fueled by money and power.  The same is true for both major political parties. Yet they speak their policy positions as if they benefit the average person. The political system and policies on the left or right as we know them have very little to do with representing the vast majority of our citizens.

79% are Still Waiting

According to the Pew Research Center, since 1983 upper income families wealth doubled to an average $650,074. Middle income families wealth essentially stayed the same at an average $98,000. No increase. In 33 years. Middle income families represent 50% of the population. Lower income families represent 29% of the population. That is 79% of all Americans who continue to slide downward over the last 4 decades. No wonder people are fed up.

A Princeton Study published in 2014 found that the majority of the American public has a “minuscule, near-zero, statistically non-significant impact upon public policy.” The study shows that the U.S. is no longer a democracy, but an oligarchy.

The last election was the turning point.  The best proof that the current two party system is dead is that it produced the two major candidates it did out of 318 million people. So most people made their choice based on, “I don’t want this, so I am voting for that.”

So we are left with that – and even before the next administration begins we hear of promises that will not be kept by the next president and proposed policies that are certain to further negatively impact vulnerable, retired and working class Americans. And one inane tweet after another fuels a burning fire that is raging in a divided America, is energizing lunatic fringe groups and alarming global leaders.

The Political System has Failed

We can’t bring prosperity for the middle class with policies that never favored them. It is not going to trickle down this time either. We can’t lift up the lower class by continuing to do more of the same.  And make no mistake that if the election turned out differently, at best it would have been more of the same. Her lofty promises were not going to be kept either and those policies would have done nothing for middle or lower income Americans. How long can we go down the same two political roads and not see that reality? Neither party represents nearly all of the country.

And yet we still argue Republican vs. Democrat. Even though neither has helped nearly 80% of our society for the last 33 years. We point fingers at each other and hurl insults of stupid, lazy and greedy. The work I have done with Dreams for Kids for 3 decades has proven to me that the vast majority of people don’t want a handout, they want a hand up. They want opportunity. The majority of wealthy Americans are not greedy. Most of them contribute towards the greater good and they are entitled to the wealth they have earned. Rural Americans deserve better than the same old lies. The jobs are not coming back. We need to create new ones. We need to revitalize communities and industry through innovation and education.

Our government has failed us. Our elected officials have failed us. And now we insist on failing ourselves and our better nature.

What now?

Great leaders inspire solutions and bring people together. They speak honestly and present the hard truths. A great government is one that is for the people, by the people. We don’t have either right now.

If we continue to blame ourselves, vote the same way, and debate the same old arguments, we will continue to get the same old results. And we can’t take much more. We need to recognize the paradigm shift. It is staring us right in the face. It has already occurred. Let’s stop arguing and insulting each other. Let’s begin to listen first, learn more, and understand our shared humanity and our common challenges.

Above all, let’s unite behind a new political reality, and a new party.

The post The Political Paradigm Shift appeared first on Tom Tuohy.

The Paradigm Shift

Paradigm Shift 

par·a·digm shift:  An important change that happens when the usual way of thinking about or doing something is replaced by a new and different way.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Merriam Webster 

A few weeks ago I was in a conversation with a high school youth I am mentoring who is already an advanced student of public policy. He remarked that we clearly are in a paradigm shift. He went on to point out that the majority of people are hanging on to labels and parties that are already obsolete, trading insults about competing ideologies that are now irrelevant. Right vs. Left. Conservative vs. Liberal. Republican vs. Democrat. He said that if anything became clear in this last election, it is that the majority of the population is fed up with the establishment.

As the Greek philosopher Heraclitus wrote, “Change is the only constant in life.” And yet we seem hardwired to resist change. We fight it, we deny it and we argue about it. All the while, the world changes whether we like it or not.

With change comes fear. Is different going to be better?  Will it benefit me? Where will I fit in? Of course we can adapt. But only if we are willing. We can’t look to the past to create the future.  Of course we can learn from the past, however we create future from possibility, not history.

Every president in my adult life has participated in a system that panders to what people want to hear while partnering with special interests fueled by money and power.  The same is true for both major parties. Yet they speak their policy positions as if they benefit the average person. The political system and policies on the left or right as we know them have very little to do with representing the vast majority of our citizens.

79% are Still Waiting

According to the Pew Research Center, since 1983 upper income families wealth doubled to an average $650,074. Middle income families wealth essentially stayed the same at an average $98,000. No increase. In 33 years. Middle income families represent 50% of the population. Lower income families represent 29% of the population. That is 79% of all Americans who continue to slide downward over the last 4 decades. No wonder people are fed up.

A Princeton Study published in 2014 found that the majority of the American public has a “minuscule, near-zero, statistically non-significant impact upon public policy.” The study shows that the U.S. is no longer a democracy, but an oligarchy.

The last election was the turning point.  The best proof that the current two party system is dead is that it produced the two major candidates it did out of 318 million people. So most people made their choice based on, “I don’t want this, so I am voting for that.”

So we are left with that – and even before the next administration begins we hear of promises that will not be kept by the next president and proposed policies that are certain to further negatively impact vulnerable, retired and working class Americans. And one inane tweet after another fuels a burning fire that is raging in a divided America, is energizing lunatic fringe groups and alarming global leaders.

We can’t bring prosperity for the middle class with policies that never favored them. It is not going to trickle down this time either. We can’t lift up the lower class by continuing to do more of the same.  And make no mistake that if the election turned out differently, at best it would have been more of the same. Her lofty promises were not going to be kept either and those policies would have done nothing for middle or lower income Americans. How long can we go down the same two roads and not see that reality? Neither party represents nearly all of the country.

And yet we still argue Republican vs. Democrat. Even though neither has helped nearly 80% of our society for the last 33 years. We point fingers at each other and hurl insults of stupid, lazy and greedy. The work I have done with Dreams for Kids for 3 decades has proven to me that the vast majority of people don’t want a handout, they want a hand up. They want opportunity. The majority of wealthy Americans are not greedy. Most of them contribute towards the greater good and they are entitled to the wealth they have earned. Rural Americans deserve better than the same old lies. The jobs are not coming back. We need to create new ones. We need to revitalize communities and industry through innovation and education.

Our government has failed us. Our elected officials have failed us. And now we insist on failing ourselves and our better nature.

What now?

Great leaders inspire solutions and bring people together. They speak honestly and present the hard truths. A great government is one that is for the people, by the people. We don’t have either right now.

If we continue to blame ourselves, vote the same way, and debate the same old arguments, we will continue to get the same old results. And we can’t take much more. We need to recognize the paradigm shift. It is staring us right in the face. It has already occurred. Let’s stop arguing and insulting each other. Let’s begin to listen first, learn more, and understand our shared humanity and our common challenges.

Above all, let’s unite behind a new reality, and new party.

The post The Paradigm Shift appeared first on TOM TUOHY.

What will Your Legacy Be?

“If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?”

-Hillel the Elder

To Sacrifice Who You Are Being For Who You Really Are

Spring is a time of rebirth. It is a time of renewal and of greater consciousness and growth. We are infused with the energy of warmer weather and we rush to work on our gardens and our bodies. We plant for summer flowers and we workout to fit into our bathing suits. But what about our inner-self? What about the person we are being in the world? The one who shows up with our family, friends, co-workers and our community. Is this the same person who we really are?

Unfortunately, for most of us, the answer is obvious and usually it is no. Sadly, it is less obvious to us than it is to those who care about us. They know who we really are. That is who they love. However, we so often get in the way of the person we were born to be. Most often we do it to protect a past pain. Sometimes it is to get ahead. Or to prove something. Our reasons are about something in our past that we have not resolved. And it is running our lives as we take on another being, one so much less than the powerful, happy one who was born into this world full of wonder and joy.

All of this is a suffering that we just can’t let go of and one that, in the present, we are completely making up. In our present lives, which is right now in this moment, and then again in the next, we simply do not have to suffer. It doesn’t matter if it was because of something our parent did decades ago, or a relationship that ended badly, or something that just happened. It is our choice how to respond. So often we sell ourselves into thinking that we have to go through this, that suffering is part of the deal. A deal with the devil maybe. The reality is we can choose to embrace the adversities of our lives in the way the ancient Greeks did – by celebrating them. By embracing them, as difficult as they are, and immediately processing how they are a part of our life experiences. And move on. It is easier said than done, right?  The response I have learned to that one is – it is easier done than said. We just wont say it. We refuse to believe it. And it becomes our reality. Then, whenever our self imposed exile or acting out is over, we only think we have moved on. Yet, it is just another stone we collected in our overloaded backpack. It weighs us down and it comes back up again, and after a time of carrying this burden we don’t we don’t even recognize our true self.

There is no better time than the present, and this brilliant season of rebirth, to take an honest assessment of who we are showing up as. Is it who we truly are, or are we are acting a part? Hopefully we have not made the common mistake of only surrounding ourselves with the agreement team. One of the great coaches of my life said it best – “The problem is our friends are the ones who agree with us. And you know what we call the ones that don’t? Our former friends.”  We don’t need to be coddled. We actually need just the opposite. We need more people who hold us accountable and are straight forward honest with us. It took me a couple of decades to learn that one.

So this spring, let’s all take an honest inventory. Are we truly being this magnificent, joyful person who came crying into this world? Or are we still crying about the past? It is our choice.

Let’s choose fearlessly.