Pat Bertram's Blog, page 288

Gathering Patience for the Lonely Years Ahead

A major loss in one's life, such as the death of a long-time mate, often changes a person. For almost twenty months now, I've been saying I'm no different than I was, but lately I can feel a small change. It started with his long illness, developed during his final agonizing weeks, and came to fruition in the months since his death. This change? Patience. An ability to wait.

I've never been a particularly patient person. I always open mail as soon as I receive it. (It used to mystify me how my late mate could let his mail sit for days without any inclination to see what the sender wanted.) I immediately begin to read books when I get them, open packages of snacks when I return from the grocery story, check my email first thing in the morning.

Well, I still do those things, but I am more patient with life's vagaries and people's foibles. There is no person I prefer to be with above all others, no place I want to be. If I have to stand in line at the grocery store, I simply wait without tapping my foot or wishing the line would move faster. If someone tells a long boring story, I simply listen without trying to edge away.

I'm not sure this is patience so much as resignation. When my mate died, he detached one of my connections to the world, and this connection has never been replaced. There's something missing in me, some synapses that doesn't spark, as if I am at one remove from the world. It's possible this feeling of reserve comes from a new awareness of death or an awareness that life is not as it seems. Life isn't all about shopping and what's on television. It's not about cars and clothes and things. I always knew that, of course, and because of it was already one step away from the everyday world.

My mate and I were not materialistic people. We lived in a world of ideas, of books, of films. Learning, research, discovery, growth were important to us. He used to say we were bad for each other — since we had someone to share these unthings, we had no reason to make a concession to the materialistic world. Though he's dead, I'm still unable to connect to such a world. In fact, with my disconnect from him, I am now two removes from the so-called real world.

I've built new connections, made new friends, experienced new places and activities. I've become more aware of basic connections, such as the way my feet connect to the ground, or the way air flows through us, around us, connecting us one to the other. I've grown more empathetic and sympathetic. But still, there is no great attachment to any specific thing or any specific person. There is only me, and wherever I am, there I am, so there is no reason to be anywhere else.

This could change in the next few months, of course. I am almost two-thirds through my second year of grief, and the second half of the second year seems to be a limbo, a time for settling into this new phase of life, a time of gathering patience for the lonely years ahead. (The first half of the second year is often a time of re-grief, of having to deal with the horrible realization that even though you managed to get through your first year without him, even though you passed this test, your loved one is still dead. It can be a time of catastrophic pain.)

I've managed to come this far, and I will continue to manage. I'm from a family of long-lived people, so it's a good thing I am learning patience (or resignation). I will need it.

Tagged: ability to wait, death, grief, limbo, loss, patience, second year of grief

Grief Doesn't Take a Holiday

I wasn't going to write about grief this Thanksgiving (except for yesterday's brief mention of the guests who won't be coming to dinner) because I didn't want to break anyone's holiday mood. Then I realized this is exactly the attitude I've been fighting. We shouldn't ignore grief just because it is inconvenient for others or because it might make them pause a moment to reflect on the ephemeral nature of life. Grief is part of life, and for some of us, it is our life.

The truth is, a huge number of people in the United States will be crying themselves to sleep tonight. For some of those people, this is the first Thanksgiving since the death of a significant person in their lives — a spouse, perhaps, or a child. For others it is the second Thanksgiving or even the tenth. But the number of years that the person has been gone doesn't matter when it comes to holidays. What matters is that our loved ones are dead. A happy occasion with family, friends, food, turns out not to be so much fun when an absence (or a remembered presence) looms darkly over our hearts. Or if the occasion is fun, and the bereft forgets the truth for a moment, the grief rebound can be painful.

I had a lovely time today. Three of my brothers and their mates came to have dinner with my father and me. They brought everything except the table decorations and the turkey. Those I did. (I didn't actually cook a turkey. I cooked turkey tenderloins several days ago and froze them, then today I steamed the pieces and arranged them on a platter. I didn't feel up to cooking a turkey, and anyway, the oven is on the blink.)

The talk was congenial, the company delightful, the meal delicious, the toasts divinely inspired (I toasted my mother, who would have been proud of her men. During her final weeks, she worried that the family would drift apart.)

Afterward, two by two, the guests headed home. My father lay down for his nap. And there I was, alone, with no way to go home. My dead mate was my home, and even after nineteen months, I haven't been able to find "home" within myself or anywhere else for that matter. I stood for a moment feeling adrift and sorry for myself, then set my father's house to rights — taking the extra leaf out of the table, putting away the dishes that had been washed, and all the other after tasks.

And then . . . in the quiet moment before I focused my mind on another activity, grief — that great yearning — burst over me. (For those of you who worry about me, there is no need. I am okay. Truly. These grief bursts, which relieve the stress of my sorrow, are how I keep on being okay.)

He is gone, and there is nothing I can do about it. I keep re-realizing those two simple facts. I do not think our brains are wired to understand the sheer goneness of death. Someone emailed me not long ago, expressing her admiration that I can talk about grief without feeling sorry for myself, but honestly, except for isolated moments, which I refuse to feed, I don't feel sorry for myself. A lot of grief has to do with the mind disconnect that happens when you realize your loved one is no longer here on earth. It's as if for a second you open up to a cosmic reality or an eternal truth. The façade of life shatters, and through the cracks you can almost see, almost sense, almost know . . .

Then you are back to yourself, and you don't see, you don't sense, you don't know anything but that — holiday or not — you are alone.

To all of my bereft friends, who are struggling with the challenges of this holiday, I wish for you a peaceful night.

Tagged: dealing with grief on holidays, death, grief, loss, Thanksgiving

Waiting For the Guests to Arrive

I've been staying with my almost 95-year-old father, not to take care of him so much as to look out for him. Last year, the two of us spent a quiet Thanksgiving. He wasn't up to company and neither was I since it was the first Thanksgiving after my life mate's death. This year, a couple of my brothers (who perhaps had no more exciting plans) decided they wanted to get together for dinner, and one fast-talking brother conned . . . er, sweet-talked . . . my father into letting them come here. This brother also negotiated a deal where up to six people could stay for two hours. (Which worked out to be three brothers and their mates.) If you knew how quickly that many people would wear out a 95-year-old recluse, you'd understand what a great concession my brother wangled. (BTW, I really admire this brother's negotiating skills. I once saw him talk a clerk at Office Max into giving him an extra l0% discount, and the guy agreed to it for no reason that I could see.)

The last time I spent Thanksgiving with any of my siblings was four years ago, a couple of weeks before my mother died. We'd come to spend a final Thanksgiving with her, but she was too sick and too weak to join us. Still she was glad we came. She always wanted her children to be close, and she worried that after her death, we would drift apart. Now here I am, in her house, and she is not here.

She's just one of the guests who can't come because of cosmic impossibilities. My next youngest sibling died the year before she did, and her grief at his dying helped bring on her own death. And then there's my life mate. I doubt he would have come (he couldn't the last time because of his own illness), but it saddens me that he doesn't have the choice. Makes me even sadder that after the holiday, I won't be going home to him.

I set the table today to lessen tomorrow's commotion, and I used my mother's china. (Sorry, BBB. Paper plates just won't cut it!! And yes, I will do the dishes.) I want the day to be special because how many more Thanksgivings can my father have? And if he's blessed with a dozen more, who knows whether even my brother's vast negotiating skills will gain such concessions again.

And it pleased me to be able to do this small thing.

Afterward, I was overcome with a burst of grief (to be honest, it wasn't so much grief as plain old feeling sorry for myself.) My brothers will be at dinner with their mates, and I won't be with mine. Still, I had him for all those years, and for that, I am truly grateful.

(And never mind trying to figure out how many siblings I had. For most of my years there were too many, and now there aren't enough.)

Tagged: dealing with grief, death, grief, loss, setting the table, Thanksgiving

Giving Thanks for Words

Every day I find something to be grateful for, even if it's only that the sun is shining, that the pain of loss is muted, that I once had a great love, that I have open spaces to explore (both in my head and in the world). Even when all else seemed bleak these past nineteen months, even when I had no hope, there was always something to be grateful for (most often that my mate was no longer suffering), so I don't need to set aside a special day of thanksgiving.

Still, during this season of giving thanks, there is something I am especially grateful for, something worth celebrating . . . words.

Words convey thoughts, ideas, hopes from one person to another. They connect us from continent to continent, enabling us to bond with like-minded people all around the world. I have exchanged words — and friendship — with people from New Zealand, Australia, Canada, the Nederlands, India. And for this I am grateful.

Words allow us to read and to write, to find entertainment and enlightenment in worlds created out of nothing but letters strung together. Words allow a story, concocted in one mind, to come to full realization in another. For most of my life, these worlds of words have been my life, or at least a major part of it. Now that I too am a world-creator, I am grateful for the words with which I build my stories.

Words give comfort, especially when distance (either geographic or emotional) does not allow a touch of commiseration. I am especially grateful for all the words of encouragement you (the readers of this blog) have given me during my time of grief, words that touched me. I hope some of my words touched you.

Words mean hope. With words, there is always the hope that we will be able to come to an understanding of each other, and perhaps find peace. (Of course, people would have to shut up long enough to listen to each other's words; one-way words cause conflict and confusion.)

Words mean community and continuity. Words, both spoken and written, presuppose that there is someone to listen, and that is community. Telling our his-stories and her-stories to each other creates both community and continuity. They tell us who we were, who we are, and who we hope to become.

If there were no one to hear our words, if we existed solely in ourselves, we'd still need words to communicate our feelings and ideas to ourselves. This ability to put our thoughts into words gives us the power to know ourselves and to understand greater truths.

So this week, whether you celebrate the U.S. Thanksgiving or not, stop for a moment to give thanks for words. They are we.

Tagged: communication, significance of words, Thanksgiving, touched by words, words

Today I Am . . .

-

Tagged: affirmation, breathtaking, daily affirmation, legendary, serene, Today I am, words to live by

System Restore for Our Lives

When it works right, System Restore is a wonderful computer feature. If something goes wrong, if your computer gets a virus or starts acting abnormally, you can choose a restore point, and go back in time to the way your computer was on a previous day.

My computer got a virus of some sort that generated hundreds of tiny .png files that looked like the French flag. I have Trend Micro, but the full scan takes more than a couple of hours, so I most often do a quick scan, and somehow that virus snuck through. Anyway, since it seemed to elude the program, I did a system restore and voila! All of a sudden it is October 11, 2011 again. At least in my computer.

This made me think: if I had system restore for my life, would I use it? And if so, what restore point would I use? I'd choose a point before he (my life mate) got sick, of course, but he was sick for so very long, we'd have to choose a point many years ago, and I'm not sure I'd want to relive all those years. Would we do anything different to prevent his dying? I doubt it — he always took care of himself — eating healthy, exercising, taking various supplements that improved his situation. I don't know what else we could have done (especially since, once we were restored to that point, we probably wouldn't know that we had been living in the future, and hence wouldn't know to try anything else).

Instead of condemning him to relive all those years, maybe I could choose a restore point closer to his death, but that would be so unfair of me to put him through that again just so I'd get to see him one more time.

And, here's the kicker. System Restore doesn't always restore exactly. (Firefox stopped working, and my Trend Micro crashed when I tried to do a full scan.) These computer problems are fixable — I uninstalled Firefox and reinstalled it, and I'll probably do the same with Trend Micro — but what if we, after life's system restore, weren't exactly restored to the condition we were back then? What if we picked up a glitch, with one of our organs deciding not to work properly? The thought makes me shudder — it was hard enough living those years the first time.

I guess, in the end, I would choose to leave things as they are. Perhaps he's better where he is, assuming he is anywhere, and me? Well, I have enough glitches in my computer. I don't need any more of them in my life.

Tagged: computer, going back in time, reliving life, system restore, virus

Can Characters Really Change?

A couple of days ago I wrote a blog postulating that Without Changes, You Have No Story, and I stick to that premise. Characters need to change, the relationships of the characters to each other need to change, story expectations need to change, the direction of the story (and each scene) needs to change. But there was a discussion on that blog post centered on what degree it is possible for characters to change, and if they truly do change, and that made me think.

Some psychologists say we never change in any basic way, that our characters and essential personalities are our foundation, that we can only change in small ways, such as changing our habits or changing our focus. This is at odds with books about writing, which claim characters must do a complete about face, a 180° turnaround to show how the events of the story affected the characters. I thought I'd created strong character arcs for each of my characters, with my characters ending up different from the way they began, but now that I consider it, I don't see that my characters change in any fundamental way. They become more of who they were, perhaps, but not recognizably different.

In More Deaths Than One, we see a gradual change in Bob Stark, the hero, see his current concept of himself eroded until he becomes what he once was and now will always be. (A bit cryptic, I know, but since this is the crux of the story, I don't want to spoil it in case you haven't yet read the book.) But he didn't really change. He only seemed to change.

In A Spark of Heavenly Fire — which was inspired by a Washington Irving quote: "There is in every true woman's heart, a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity, but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity." — Kate Cummings seems to change in response to the red death and the resulting martial law that is destroying Colorado, seems to kindle up and beam and blaze in the dark hour of adversity, but there are hints in the story that she was always like that. Her spark of heavenly fire — her generosity — was merely hidden from herself and from us until a life-altering event stripped her to the core.

In Daughter Am I, Mary Stuart never truly changes, though she also seems to change. She was unsure of herself, unsure of what she wanted, unwilling to make a commitment of any kind even to a job, until she set out to discover who her grandparents were, who wanted them dead, and why her parents lied about their existence. It wasn't out of character, perhaps, for her to drive halfway across the country in search of the truth because she only went along with what others wanted. At least in the beginning. As the journey progressed, she learned the truth she was seeking, and an even greater truth — who she is. She is granddaughter, daughter, and herself. Mostly herself. But that isn't a change. It's a discovery. A coming home.

In Light Bringer, neither Becka nor Phillip change. Again, they just discover who they are, a truth that had been kept from them their whole lives. In all my books, but Light Bringer especially, what changes is the reader's perception of who the characters are. The truth is slowly revealed, and each revelation seems to show a change in the characters, but in the end they simply become what they always were.

How very odd to learn this so long after having written the books.

(Click on a title to read the first chapter of the book.)

Tagged: A Spark of Heavenly Fire, character arc, Daughter Am I, do characters change, Light Bringer, More Deaths Than One, story change

Dellani Oakes, A Denizen of My Online World

I'd like you to meet Dellani Oakes, a wonderful writer, great blogger, Facebook friend to thousands of readers and authors, blog talk radio host, fabulous reviewer. Hmmm. I think I listed everything. Nope — forgot to mention the most important thing of all: she's also an indefatigable writer. Her two published novels are Indian Summer, an historical romance and Lone Wolf, the first novel in a new science fiction series. Both were published by Second Wind Publishing. (Click on the title link to read the first chapter of each book.) She has 54 works in progress at last count  and a notebook with hundreds of  other ideas for short stories and novels. When asked recently how she thought of all those stories, she replied: "There are more ideas in my head than I can get written down in one lifetime. I'll have to live forever."

We can only hope to have her around so long!

You can meet Dellani at Dellani's Choice, the new blog she recently started to post author interviews and reviews of books she has read. Or you can meet her at Writer's Sanctuary, her original blog. She's been collecting author's book titles & their links as a holiday guide for people who want to find great gifts. So be sure to check out Writer's Sanctuary.

Click here for an interview with: Dellani Oakes, Author of Lone Wolf

Click here for an interview with: Wil VanLipsig from Lone Wolf  by Dellani Oakes

Click here for an interview with: Manuel Enriques, Hero of Indian Summer by Dellani Oakes

Click here to friend Dellani on: Facebook. Tell her Pat sent you.

Tagged: blogger, dellani oakes, indian summer, Lone Wolf, reviewer, Second Wind Publishing

Without Changes, You Have No Story

Change is the reason for a story. Without change, you have an anecdote, perhaps a description of a life or a time, but no story.

Whenever there is change during the course of the story, and — more immediately — during a chapter, a scene, a page, even a paragraph, it advances the story. These changes should be interesting and compelling in themselves, but they should also worsen or improve the status of a character, raise new questions in readers' minds as to the story's outcome, and prepare for scenes to come.

Changes can be major alterations in a character's life, such as the death of a loved one, or they can be as subtle as the touch of a hand. Changes can jolt the reader or give them a false sense of security so you can hit them with a major change later to better effect.

We often put characters through changes we want to explore. Lately, the only fiction I can write (to the extent that I write fiction, which isn't much) is if my main character experiences a grievous loss. Apparently, I need to explore this change in my life any way I can, hoping to find a more appealing outcome. Perhaps that's why I've been sticking to blogging and an occasional (very occasional) piece of short fiction — I can't find a more appealing outcome to the changes in my life, can't even imagine any appealing outcome, so I can't write it.

In quest stories, the hero has to transform herself into the person who can bring about the necessary outcome, so maybe I'm still undergoing my transformation, and eventually, this transformation will change the outcome of both my story and the stories I write.

Writing doesn't just happen, nor does it happen in a vacuum. Our stories change us every bit as much as we change our stories, in an every tightening spiral. We create episodes of change so that the characters will change which in turn change the plot, which in turn change the whole focus of the story, which in turn changes our relationship to the story.

While writing A Spark of Heavenly Fire, I was researching Pingfan and the human experiments that were being done there (some on American POWs) and I thought I'd found something that few others knew. Afterward, in every novel I picked up, there was a mention of Pingfan, so I had to change the focus of the book, which in turn changed the characters and how they got to the end. (The end was a given — I'd written that chapter about halfway through — I just needed to find a way to get there.) Many of the conversations I had about this Pingfan oddity ended up in the book, which gave the story an added depth.

Some psychologists say we never change in any basic way. That our characters and essential personalities are our foundation. We can only change in small ways, such as changing our habits or changing our focus. This is at odds with writing coaches who say that a character must do a complete about face. That about face is possible if it is motivated, if there is a reason for your character's basic change. Normally, a smart person doesn't become stupid overnight and a stupid person doesn't become smart, though abnormal situations can create such changes. Flowers for Algernon, for example, or Regarding Henry.

Although change is important, many characters don't change — take detective novels, for example. Most of the classic detectives were the same from the first page to the last. But other characters in the stories changed, and the situations changed, which kept the detectives changing direction and focus. So while they themselves didn't go through any sort of metamorphosis, the stories still seemed to be about change.

Sometimes a character's inability to change is the story. For example, if a character was tortured and despite the horrors, never changed, it would tell you a lot about the character, and how his non-change changed the world around him. (This was the theme of several movies, though I can't remember a single title. Can't remember the movies, either. Perhaps this isn't as compelling a scenario as I thought.)

Almost anything can bring about a change. Lies can bring about change, the truth can bring about change, a knock on the door, a trip. Even something so simple as losing weight. I once had a friend, a lively teenage who was quite obese. Everyone kept telling her she would be so pretty if she lost weight. She did lose a lot of weight. Started before school let out and spent the whole summer being active and eating right. She wasn't more attractive. And she wasn't more popular. About broke her heart. Became sullen and morose. And depressed. And regained all the weight. Which is an example of another type of change — where the character changes but ends up the same as at the beginning.

Some questions to ask yourself if you need to delve deeper into the changes that occur during the course of your book:

What changes do your characters undergo?

Do you keep the changes coming at an ever dizzying rate or do you throw small changes at your characters, changes that add up over time?

Are your characters the same at the end of all these changes? Is their situation the same?

Is the final outcome a major upheaval for the character or merely a change in focus?

Do all your characters change, or just the main character?

How do you bring about the changes?

Are the changes an intrinsic part of the story or just thrown in for the sake of change?

Tagged: advancing the story, changes, character development, our stories change us, Pingfan, transformation

Grief Bursts

From the beginning (the beginning of my grief, that is) I've talked about various aspects of grief, even the parts I thought made me look weak. Today's topic — grief bursts — is one I was going to keep to myself, but it's an important one so I'm going to risk seeming weak once more.

I've often said that the trouble with grief is that it doesn't stay gone. You think you're doing well, settling into your new life, accepting your situation, and then zap! It hits you, generally when you're least expecting it. One of the worst of these zaps occurred after my life mate had been dead for five months. I dreamed that he died, and in the dream I woke to discover that he was alive and getting better. I could feel the tension of grief draining out of me, and it felt good to just be . . . me. I awoke for real with a smile on my face, glad he was still alive, and then I was sucker punched by the truth. I felt the way I did the first time I realized he was dead, and it set off an upsurge of grief that lasted several months.

Then last spring, at about the fourteen month mark, I was walking, collected and serene, down a suburban street carved out of the desert,  and I was blindsided by lilacs. He loved lilacs, and we'd planted lilacs all around our property. The year before he died, the plants were tall enough to create an oasis of privacy, and when they bloomed, we'd go outside and bask in the heavenly scent. When I came to the desert, I  never expected to encounter lilacs, but there they were, growing wildly in a vacant lot. That familiar scent, coming toward me when I was unsteeled against a grief upsurge, did me in for a couple of weeks.

The last big upsurge of grief that stayed with me for more than a day or two came at the eighteen month mark. I still don't know why — there was nothing in particular that set it off, and a year and a half doesn't seem like a special anniversary, not like the first year anniversary or the second. Eighteen months just sort of hangs innocuously in the middle. Or it should have, but it didn't. Well, I got through that grief upsurge like I did all the others. (How? Glad you asked that. The only way to get through a grief upsurge is to feel it, process it, and when it begins to abate, let go.)

Mostly now, I've settled into uncoupled life. I miss him, of course, and yearn desperately at times to talk with him, but I've accepted as well as is possible that I have to continue on with my life. I feel like myself again (meaning I don't feel weighted down with grief all the time, nor do I hold myself tensed against possible upsurges of pain).

What I do experience are grief bursts — a brief burst of grief, with all the angst I felt at the beginning, that lasts but a minute or two. These bursts come a couple of times a day, generally after I've been concentrating on a project (such as writing a blog or reading a book), and in the moment when my mind is not otherwise engaged, I remember that he's dead, and grief bursts over me. I cry for a minute or two as if my heart will break (though I know it won't. It's already been shattered and glued back together, stronger than before). And then I'm fine again with no lingering aftereffects.

Of all the strange stages of grief I've experienced, these grief bursts are the strangest. Like being skewered with a burning poker and then healed a second later. This particular stage, or so I've been told, can last a long time. Even decades after a significant death, you can experience bursts of grief. I'm sure, like all the other phases of grief I've gone through, these bursts will diminish in frequency, perhaps even diminish in intensity, but oddly, this is one stage of grief I don't mind. It reminds me that he was worth grieving for, that his absence from this world matters, that he once was part of my life.

Tagged: death, grief, grief bursts, loss, stages of grief, uncoupled life