Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 704

Linguistic complaints

Admit it. I say that someone is nearsighted, and you automatically think that the person cannot see things up close. Then, after a few seconds, you remember that you must force yourself to think counter-intuitively when it comes to vision impairment. Nearsighted people can only see things near them, and while this makes logical sense based upon the actual meaning of the word, it's not how we think when we hear the word.

Am I alone on this one?

Feeling better about myself

In reference to the aged audience of CBS's Survivor, a television critic on Bill Simmon's podcast said, "The only people watching a show that runs as long as Survivor are old people.  Young people move onto new things."

Bill Simmons concurred.

I do as well, because I only watched the first two seasons of Survivor and then quit.  And because agreeing makes me feel good about myself.

The Ethicist: Golfing allowed on day two?

My friend Tom asked me to address the following question as part of my new role as The Ethicist:

THE QUESTION: Is it okay to go golfing while your wife is in the hospital the day after your daughter was born?

THE ANSWER:  Of course it's okay.  If my daughter wasn't born in January, I would have likely been playing golf after her birth as well.  If your wife and daughter are under the care of doctors and nurses and your presence is not required, there is no reason why you cannot play a...

Does this mean I can get into Heaven?

Today I was told by a man that although he knew that I did not believe in God, he still thought that I was a good Christian.

I'm not sure how that squares with his God, but it was certainly a nice thing to say.

Rules to live by

I'm not exactly a gun fan, but this website, which lists the rules of a gunfight, is simply genius.  Funny, clever, and loaded with the truth.

A few of my favorite rules include:

1. Forget about knives, bats and fists. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns. Bring four times the ammunition you think you could ever need.

11. Stretch the rules.  Always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose

20. The faster you finish the fight, the...

Deprived youth

I was speaking to a group of Newington High School students yesterday about writing.  In attempting to explain the importance of twisting stereotypes and giving the reader the unexpected, I used the example of Hannibal Lecter from The Silence of the Lambs. 

Lecter was an absolute villain and a genuine cannibal, I explained, but the audience couldn't help but like him.  In the closing scene of the movie, Lecter is preparing to kill and eat Dr. Childress, the psychologist who has tormented...

Peeing your pants with aplomb

Racing through the pharmacy this morning in search of batteries, I passed through the feminine hygiene products aisle, and while there, I couldn't help but notice that there is a brand of bladder-control pads named Poise.

I'm wondering:

Does the name of this product imply that one can retain their poise despite their propensity to pee their pants?

Or does it imply that the product can return poise to a person who has lost it as a result of several embarrassing accidents?

The definition...

Dregs of the Earth in my baby book

With the birth of my daughter, I've recently spent some time flipping through my baby book.

It's been quite enlightening.

The best part about the baby book is that it is written by my mother, who died three years ago.  There are no home movies or audio recordings of my mother, so these words, scrawled in a baby book more than thirty years ago, are the last that I have of her. Reading them makes me wonder what her life was like back then, when life seemed so full of hope and expectation...

Savant

I was lamenting the fact that bassists don't get solos tonight when my wife said, "Les Claypool from Primus solos. And Flea from The Red Hot Chili Peppers, too."

There are times when I think that I might be able to drop a box of toothpicks on the ground and watch her instantly count them.

Greeting cards

I was recently told about a new trend in greeting card giving: the signing of cards with a post-it note. When you find a card to which you are particularly fond, you affix a post-it to the inside with your signature and any personal message you wish to extend, so that the recipient can use the card again.

I love this idea. It's eco-friendly and turns the greeting card into a gift of sorts, a meme that the recipient can pass along to someone else.

I have a tradition of taking greeting cards...