Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 683
July 16, 2010
Rumble seats?
The 1970's were a strange time in America.
Disaster movies were quite popular throughout the decade. Movies like Poseidon Adventure, Airport, and The Towering Inferno were well received by audiences and critics alike.
But no movie was stranger than Earthquake, which was shown with Sensurroud, a series of large speakers and a 1,500 watt amplifier, that would pump in sub-audible "infra bass" sound waves at 120 decibels (equivalent to a jet airplane at takeoff), giving the viewer the...
2007 was not a good year
Last night, my wife and I went out to dinner to celebrate our fourth anniversary.
Fourth. Not third, as some moronic husband originally thought and may have mentioned in the anniversary card.
As my wife and I looked back on the years that we have spent together, we were reminded that although all four years have been a wonderful, some years are certainly harder than others.
Specifically, 2007 proved to be one hell of a tough year for me. As the clock struck twelve and 2007 passed...
Worst excuse ever
My friend, Tom, can't play golf with me this afternoon because he is "making pickles and dill green beans."
The man already lives in colonial times, heating his eighteenth century home with wood, growing most of his fruits and vegetables in the backyard and often donning a tricorne hat on formal occasions, but this is getting ridiculous.
My wife also wonders why Tom would even admit to me that he was pickling rather than golfing. "You're mean enough to him already," she said. "Why would...
July 15, 2010
Guest blogger: My agent, Taryn Fagerness, explains her life in the foreign rights world
Greetings from Matt's literary agent! When I opened my own agency in 2009, I decided to specialize in the selling of foreign rights (along with selling domestic rights for authors like Matt). Matt often complains that he never understands what I do, and that my Twitter posts are mysterious and indecipherable. I suspect he's referring to this one:
And because of the complications with the NEOM, I have to create a special catalog just for the Brits. Gah.
Yeah, that IS mysterious.
And my...
Cruelty on display
Conversation between me and two cashiers, a dorky, teenage male and a slightly overweight, generally unattractive teenage female, at Border's Books and Music.
The dorky male was scanning my purchases while the girl was waiting for the next customer. I recorded the conversation as best as I could remember as soon as I stepped into the parking lot.
_______________________
Dork: (speaking to Ugly Girl) Hey, can I have your IM screen name?
Ugly Girl: I don't think so. There's too many...
A brave new Snoopy Sno-Cone Maker
My friends really are the best. I received information on the most current version of the Snoopy Sno-Cone Maker from a Facebook friend:
The description reads:
For nearly 30 years, the Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine has symbolized summer fun. First introduced in 1979, this nostalgic toy lets children create treats to help them beat the heat. Just place an ice cube in the Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine, and watch it transform into a delicious dessert with a few turns of the handle. Kids can even...
July 14, 2010
Three best compliments ever
The first came on January 1, 1988. I was sixteen years old. I was standing on a bridge in California, strapped to a bass drum, ready to march in the Rose Bowl Parade. Two teenage girls were sitting on the curb nearby, waiting for the parade to start. After giggling a bit, they managed to get my attention and tell me that I looked a lot like Tom Cruise.
I was clearly better looking in 1988, and Tom Cruise had not yet lost his mind.
About three years later, I was spending a week in Weir's...
Poverty breeds careful planning and worn-out rubber
In the midst of my recent obsession over an adult-sized Big Wheel, it occurred to me that when I was a kid, I desperately wanted the Snoopy Sno Cone Maker.
What kid wouldn't want to make snow cones on demand?
But as a child growing up under very modest circumstances, I also knew that the Snoopy Sno Cone Maker came with a limited supply of flavoring, and when that flavoring was exhausted, there was no way in hell that my parents would be rushing out to the store to purchase more. So...
July 13, 2010
Friendship rating guidelines
In preparing to revise my famous Friendship Application, I was explaining to Bengi, my DJ partner, best man in my wedding, and friend of more than twenty years, that one of the ways that I evaluate a person's importance as a friend is by the number of Gmail groups to which the person belongs.
Bengi, for example, belongs to two groups: Poker and Readers. This means that he receives emails related to my upcoming poker games and he is also reading my latest manuscript.
Two groups is good...
Its coffee.
New statistic
97.3 percent of all jokes regarding coffee are not funny.
Listening to a podcast the morning, the hosts began the show by warning listeners that "Brian just drank a mocha cappuccino, so we don't know what's going to happen today!"
"Look out! There's going to be trouble!"
"This guy's already a lunatic!"
"Emergency teams are standing by!"
Not funny.
Seriously, in a double-blind study conducted over the course of my lifetime, I have determined that 97.3 of all jokes...
