Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 681

Cruel design

I don't understand bikes.

Have you ever noticed that the placement of the bar connecting the front half of the bike to its back end is different on a traditional boy's bike (on the left) in comparison to a traditional girl's bike (on the right)?  

See the difference?

Elysha explained to me that this bar was originally lowered on a girl's bike in an effort to accommodate the skirts that girls may be wearing.  And after a quick Google search, it turns out that she is right.  

But...

Nuking the Earth over and over again

I'm not sure if I feel less worried about nuclear war, considering the mind-numbing number of nuclear devices that have been detonated over the past fifty years, or more frightened at the relentless effort that was made to ensure that these weapons could kill as many people as possible.

How am I ever going to explain Ghostbusters to her?

There are certain things that I will never be able to fully explain to my daughter. 

Here's one:

The theme song to the film Ghostbusters by Ray Parker Jr. went to #1 on the Billboard singles chart and stayed there for three weeks.

This is not a song like Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On, which, for all it's sappiness, does not specifically reference icebergs and diamonds and the sinking of an ocean liner and therefore has an understandable life beyond the movie. 

This is a song that...

Animated

A reader recently asked me why I was using a South Park character as my profile photo on Goodreads and on several other social networks.  I had to explain that this was not just any South Park character. 

It was me. 

A few years ago, Elysha took the time to South Park us.  And she did a fine job. Don't you think?

We adore South Park.  In fact, a few years ago we both came to the grudging and almost sacrilegious conclusion that South Park was better than The Simpsons.  This didn't...

Hes known me for more than twenty years

I told my friend about my post regarding Yo Momma jokes and the death of my mother.

He said, "You know, if I didn't know you better, I'd think that you were having trouble dealing with your mom's death, and your comments are just a way of masking your pain."

"But you know that's not the case.  Right?" I asked.

"Of course not," he replied.  "You just like making people uncomfortable."

Weiner envy

Bestselling author Jennifer Weiner's iPhone app was released today.  It looks excellent. 

But I am annoyed.

I created an iPhone app about six months ago that brings all my content into one convenient location on the phone.  Blog posts, Twitter feed, unpublished chapters, book club material, and more.  But I had to design and build the app on my own, using an online service, a little bit of coding, and some duct tape to make it work.  It would appear that Jen's app was designed by her...

When your mom dies

On a happier note...

You've got a pretty good comeback to anyone trying to use a "your momma" joke on you.

Insult:  Your momma's so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball.

Retort:  Actually, my mom is dead.

I've had the opportunity to use this retort more than once, injecting great amounts of awkwardness, embarrassment and discomfort into the world.  There's no better way to put a positive spin on an otherwise horrible circumstance.   

And if my mom was...

Unanswered questions

When your mother dies, you no longer wish for the courage to confront her about incidents in the past that you've never understood or harbored anger over for years and years.  These never-dare-uttered accusations and indictments become a distant, hazy memory:

You never went to a single one of my baseball games.

I worked 50 hours a week as a junior and senior in high school and you never said a word.

The concept of college was never mentioned in our home.

Instead, you're left with an...

Stuff your sorrys in a sack

It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.

- P. G. Wodehouse (1881 - 1975)

It's a great quote.  Don't you think?  After all, how many times have you asked for or demanded an apology?  Or even wanted an apology?

Hopefully the answer is none.

Asking for an apology is akin to fishing for a compliment.  It guarantees that whatever you receive will be forced and insincere and will only serve...

Questionable restroom language

For those of you who don't pay attention to details, you may have missed the messages that frequently inundate us while using a public restroom.

Recently I noticed that Sanor System, a Rochester Midland product, flaunts the slogan Clean Restrooms Happy People on the urinals and toilets that it helps to keep clean.

This seems rather hopeful and overly optimistic, don't you think?

I'm not buying it.  Personally, a clean restroom and the level of my personal satisfaction are hardly...