Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 306

My kind of princess

My daughter said this today:

"I'm a princess who never stays in the castle. That's because I'm a brave princess and I'm always looking for adventure."

Nothing wrong with a little girl wanting to be the right kind of princess.

Perhaps a near-death experience is a good thing. At least one therapist seems to think so.

A mental health therapist recently said this in a comment to a post on the blog:

"I frequently try to bring on an existential crisis in a client to help them find what is most important to them."

I thought this comment was fascinating. 

I've often said that my alarmingly frequent near-brushes with death drive me (at least in part) to succeed, and that without my death by bee sting, death by car accident, and near-death by robbery, I may have never accomplished the things I have. 

I've spoken about this many times, including a TEDx Talk last year:

Perhaps I needed those near-death experiences. Starting out as a kid who had to leave home at 18 and ending up in jail, homeless, and facing trial for a crime didn't commit didn't make things easy. Maybe I needed as much help as I could get, even if it came in the form of several close calls. I'm not sure if I would wish these experiences on anyone, but maybe a head-on collision with a Mercedes, an undetected allergy to a bee sting, and a violent assault and robbery were just what I needed in order to keep me focused and working hard.

I've often wondered about this. As a life coach, I've once worked with a person who knew another near-death survivor, and he said that the two of us were remarkably alike. In fact, he told me that he often wished that he would suffer a near-death experience, too, because he said that we were the two most driven people he had ever met.

I explained to him that these brushes with death came with a cost, including a lifetime of post traumatic stress disorder, but he seemed to believe that this was a small price to pay for a lifetime of productivity, tenacity, and success. 

Maybe he's right. 

It's impossible to determine exactly why one person succeeds in life while another does not, but I know that when I was a boy, I wanted to be a teacher and a writer, and for a long time, both of those dreams seemed impossible to me and to everyone around me. The idea that I might find my way to college, graduate, become a teacher, and publish novels was something most people would've considered a fantasy. 

Today they are a reality.  

Perhaps this therapist is doing something brilliant. By bringing her clients to an existential crisis, she is helping them understand how short and fragile life can be and perhaps instilling in them the same fear of lost opportunities and regret that I have.

And I suspect that she's not holding a gun to their head and pulling the trigger or sending them through a windshield in order to do so. 

Up until now, the best I could do is tell my story and implore people to heed my advice:

Say Yes.
Live Life Like You Are 100 Years Old.
Complete your Homework for Life.

Maybe there's a better way. Maybe you, too, could experience the kind of existential crisis that I have, and like me, maybe it will change your life. 

I'd love to know how she brings about these existential crises in her clients, and I suspect that my former life coaching student would as well. 

Don't name your child Brenden. I mean Brandon.

This post is not an indictment of the name Brandon or Brendan if one of these names happens to be your name or if you have assigned your child one of these names. 

I've had friends and former students named both Brendan and Brandon, and are perfectly lovely people.

But if you're in the market for a future baby name, I suggest that you avoid these two names completely whenever possible. They create constant confusion and force the bearer of the name to repeat his name again and again, emphasizing pronunciation in order to avoid confusion.

In just the last two weeks, I have watched two Brendans go through conversations almost exactly like this:

Brendan: Hi, I'm Brendan.
Other: I'm sorry. Is that Brendan or Brandon?
Brendan: Brendan.
Other: Brendan?
Brendan: Yes, Brendan.

This doesn't seem like a big deal, but try doing it again and again for a lifetime. 

Naturally, Brendans and Brandons will tell you that their names are perfectly fine and the occasional confusion and constant repetition isn't a big deal, but this is because they have lived with their name for all their lives. It's part of their identity. Of course they like their name.  

Only self absorbed drama queens (both male and female) and people who hate their mothers complain about their first or middle names.   

Objectively speaking, Brandon and Brendan are difficult and cumbersome when compared to most other names. Spare your child a lifetime of confusion. 

If you're trying to choose between Brandon and Paul, go with Paul.

Brendan or David? Go with David.

Brandon or Brenden? There's no hope for you. 

Unfair assumption #23: People who water their lawns themselves are aggressively anti-efficient and supremely uninteresting

I see it all the time. Some doofus standing on his lawn, hose in hand, watering his grass. 

Just standing there, waving his arm back and forth, spraying water on his lawn. 

Home Depot currently sells a sprinkler for $4.98. More sophisticated sprinklers can be purchased for more.

I can only assume (perhaps unfairly) that these people - almost always men - have such sad and uninteresting lives that this is the best thing that they can find to fill their time, because there is no way in hell that anyone should be standing on their lawn, watering their grass by hand. 

Something is wrong with these people.   

The Portland 54: Embrace uncertainty

On Friday I had the honor of playing in The Portland 54, an annual golf tournament that has been played for the last 17 years. It was started by a group of guys at ESPN who wondered if it was possible to play all three 18 hole golf courses in Portland, CT in a single day. 

Turns out it is. All three courses are less than three minutes apart.

Play the first 18 holes at Portland West at 5:00 AM.

Play the next 18 at Portland Golf at 9:30.

Play the final 18 at Quarry Ridge at 3:30. 

The scores from the first two rounds of golf determine the teams for the final 18 holes, which are played as a scramble. The winning team in the scramble is declared champion and takes possession of the trophy for a year. The trophy was purchased from eBay and dates back to the early 1900's. It was originally a trophy for a women's contest of some kind. It is old and a little ugly and glorious.

Winners traditionally drink Rolling Rock from the cup at the end of the tournament. 

I was able to play because every year, one rookie is added to the roster of 16, and this year I was the lucky one chosen. I didn't know anyone in the tournament, but the commissioner is a Speak Up fan and regularly attends our shows. He found out - maybe through this blog - that I was a golfer.

When I received the invitation, some of my friends advised against playing in the tournament, for several reasons.

54 holes of golf in a single day is insane.I didn't know a single person playing, which meant I'd be spending at least 15 hours in the company of strangers. This could be a scam. I might end up dead.

In the end, I took the advice of a friend who said that I had to play, for several reasons:

It's golf. As bad as it can get, it's still better than most things.It's an opportunity to meet new people and make new friends. Guys who are able to get together like this for almost two decades can't be that bad.

All of this turned out to be true.

The golf was great. I started to lose my mind (and my swing) during holes 13-16 of the second round of 18, but I powered through and finished strong.  

I met some fantastic people. The commissioner of the league might be the best golfer I've ever played with. I also played with his son, his son-in-law, and a cast of other characters.

I met a guy who is a ball hawk, diving into the woods whenever possible to find lost balls. He probably found three or four dozen balls over the course of the day.  

I met a guy who holds his club with a reverse grip, which looks incredibly painful but is surprisingly effective. 

I watched two guys putt by looking at the hole instead of the ball.

I played with funny guys, serious golfers, quiet guys, and everything in between. 

My day was not without incident. Over the course of the three rounds, I managed to bounce my ball off a rock outcropping and land it on the green for a birdie. I hit two rakes - both which sent my ball back into the trap. I hit several cart paths. Many trees. One golf cart. I ate a bug and had a bug land directly in my eye. I lost a ball on a fairway.    

Of the 16 players, my score ranked 13th. I shot an 87 on a par 60 and a 109 on a par 72.  

Not good scores, but this is the summer that I change my swing. I am hitting the ball better but also decidedly less consistent. 

Sadly, lightning interrupted our final round, so The Portland 54 ended up as The Portland 47 for me. Happily, we will be returning to the course later this summer to complete the final 18, so I'll have a chance to see the guys again and play some more golf.

I know people who would have passed on an opportunity like this.

54 holes of golf might have seemed like too much.Surrendering an entire day to a golf tournament might have been hard.Playing with 15 strangers might have been unnerving for some, especially if they play like me.

Mostly, it's uncertainty that prevents us from trying new things. The unknown is scary. Taking risks is frightening. Daring to do what seems a little crazy is something people tend to avoid. The inability to perceive the future and accept the consequences of uncertainty traps so many of us in the present. We fail to move forward. Our lives remain static. 

I have learned to embrace uncertainly. Accept possible failure. Say yes when opportunities arise. I'm not entirely sure why, but I suspect that two near-death experiences, a violent armed robbery, and near imprisonment have taught me to do everything I can while I still have breath. 

As a result, I end up standing on stages around the world. Launching seemingly nonsensical businesses with my friends. Meeting new, remarkable people. Trying new things.

Playing 47 holes of golf with 15 great guys. 

I am a happier person for it.   

This sign is decidedly less specific than it needs to be

Resolution Update: June 2016 plus midyear assessment

I've reached the halfway point of 2016, which means that in addition to an update on each of my goals, I'm also assessing the likelihood that I will complete the goal by the end of the year.

Thus far I have completed 4 goals.
I am likely to complete 17 goals
I am likely to make significant progress on 3 more.
I have abandoned one goal.

This leaves 8 goals with a 50/50 chance or less of completing.  

Specific assessments below. 

PERSONAL HEALTH

1. Don’t die.

Just got two new sets of EpiPens in case the bees try to kill me. 

Mid-year assessment: I think my chances of surviving 2016 are solid. The actuarial tables from the Social Security Administration indicate that the chances of a male of my age dying this year is 0.003146 %. 

2. Lose 20 pounds.

I lost eight pounds in June, bringing my total to 13 pounds lost. 
I decided to get serious about this goal in June. 

Mid-year assessment: I am nearly certain that this goal will be achieved before the end of 2016. 

3. Do at least 100 push-ups and 100 sit-ups five days a week.

Done.

Mid-year assessment: This has become routine to me. Only an injury could prevent me from achieving this goal. 

4. Practice yoga at least three days a week.

My yoga guru is in Washington for the next three weeks. When he returns, we will meet. 

Mid-year assessment: My yoga guru believes with every fiber of his being that increased flexibility will improve my golf game and my life, and I agree. I am certain that I will resume my practice of yoga on a regular basis before the end of the summer. 

WRITING CAREER

5. Complete my fifth novel before the end of February.

Done!

Mid-year assessment: Goal complete.

6. Complete my sixth novel.

I have two novels that are more than halfway finished and one that is finished but requires a complete re-write. However, it doesn't look like any of these will be my next novel.

We are delayed in deciding the next book. Waiting for revisions of the last one from my editor. 

Mid-year assessment: The delivery date of this novel is early 2017, so completion of the book in 2016 is possible but not probable. I can't see myself handing it in early with my propensity to never be satisfied. Also the revisions of my fifth novel have ground to a halt.  

7. Write a middle grade novel.

Progress has commenced and is going well. I should have enough to submit to an editor by the end of the month.

Mid-year assessment: I expect the sale of the book to take place in 2016, but the completion of the book will hinge upon the negotiated delivery date. 

8. Write at least three new picture books. 

One of my now former students and I are writing a picture book. I am editing two previously written picture books. I expect that the other new picture books will be written during the school year. 

Mid-year assessment: The ideas for these books are already set, so I expect first drafts of all three books to be completed by the end of 2016 without much problem.

9. Complete a book proposal for a book on storytelling.

Done! In the hands of my agent. I await feedback.  

Mid-year assessment: This goal is marked as complete, but the proposal may come back from my agent with work still needed. This also doesn't mean that the project will sell in 2016, but I expect it to. 

10. Write a new screenplay

No progress yet.

Mid-year assessment: 50/50 that this project will be completed in 2016. It's simply a matter of time required and bang for my buck. With other project more likely to be profitable, this one may sadly fall to the wayside.  

11. Write a musical for a summer camp

Work has commenced at a fever pitch. 

Mid-year assessment: This project will be completed by Saturday or my writing partner will kill me. 

12. Publish at least one Op-Ed in The New York Times.

I've now submitted two Op-Eds to the New York Times and been rejected both times.

Mid-year assessment: I have made an error in setting a goal not entirely in my control. A better goal would have been to commit to five submissions to the New York Times Op-Ed page in 2016, since their decision to publish my piece is not in my hands. Based upon my two rejections, it seems unlikely that I will meet this goal.

13. Publish an article in an educational journal.

No progress yet. 

Mid-year assessment: This is a project that will not require a lot of time but will likely pay little or nothing, so like the screenplay, it's a likely goal to miss if time becomes tight.   

14. Submit one or more short stories to at least three publishing outlets.

No progress yet.

Mid-year assessment: The stories are written and I have a list of potential publishing outlets. It's simply a matter of spending two or three hours getting them submitted. This is likely to happen at some point. 

15. Select three behaviors that I am opposed to and adopt them for one week, then write about my experiences on the blog.

I spent a week backing my car into parking spots (which initially struck me as insane). I am still writing about my experience.  

Mid-year assessment: This is not a difficult goal, and yet it is a failed goal from 2015 with little progress in 2016. Failing to complete it for two consecutive years would really suck, so I expect to complete this simply out of shame. 

16. Increase my author newsletter subscriber base to 1,000.

I gained 13 subscribers in May and 75 since the beginning of the year. My total stands at 987. 

Mid-year assessment: Having gained 75 subscribers since the beginning of the year and being only 13 away from completing the goal, chances are high that I will complete this. 

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17. Collaborate with a former colleague on an educational book.

This project has been cancelled. After meeting with my collaborator, we determined that I am not best suited for this project.    

Mid-year assessment: This goal was abandoned after it was determined that I was not right for the job. 

STORYTELLING

18. Produce a total of 12 Speak Up storytelling events.

We produced two shows in June, at both Real Art Ways and The Connecticut Historical Society, bringing our total number of Speak Up events in 2016 to eight.  

We have six more events on the calendar in 2016 (with one or two more possible shows), which will bring our total to at least 14. 

Mid-year assessment: Based upon our scheduled events in 2016, I will complete this goal with ease.

19. Deliver a TED Talk.

Done twice over! 

I spoke at TEDxNatick in January. The title of the talk was "Live Your Life Like Your 100 Year-Old Self." Here's the recording: 
 

I also spoke at the TEDx conference at The Country School in Madison, CT in April. The title of the talk was "Speak Less. Expect More." Here is the recording:

I've also pitched talks to two other TEDx events in 2016. I was rejected by one and await word from the other. 

Mid-year assessment: Goal complete. 

20. Attend at least 15 Moth events with the intention of telling a story.

In June I attended a Moth StorySLAM at Housing Works and The Bitter End (both in NYC) as well as Oberon in Boston. 

I did not have my name drawn at Oberon or The Bitter End. I told a story at Housing Works and tied for first with one of my storytelling students, only to lose the tiebreaker.  

This brings my total number of Moth events in 2016 to 12.   

Mid-year assessment: I plan to attend at least five Moth events over the next two months alone, making this goal an easy one to complete. 

21. Win at least three Moth StorySLAMs.

I have attended a total of seven Moth StorySLAMs in 2016 thus far but only performed twice. I had to perform first in one slam, and I tied for first in the other (and lost the tiebreaker).

Mid-year assessment: My previous win totals made three victories feel very achievable in the beginning of the year. In the last three years, I have won five, four, and seven slams respectively. But I have only managed to take the stage twice in seven tries in 2016, and though I tied for first in one of those slams, I lost the tie breaker. Winning three slams in the second half of 2016 is very doable (I've actually done this for the past three years), but I'm feeling snakebitten this year. 

Hopefully my luck will change.  

22. Win a Moth GrandSLAM.

Done! I won the Moth GrandSLAM in Somerville in March. 

I placed second in the most recent NYC GrandSLAM in April. I've had to perform from second position in the last three GrandSLAMs, which sucks.

Mid-year assessment: Goal completed. I may have one or two more chances of winning again in 2016. 

23. Launch at least one new podcast.

Background work (podcast logo, hosting service, website, etc.) continues.    

Mid-year assessment: This podcast would have already launched had my format and content not changed slightly in the past month, causing me to rethink things a bit. Chances are high that I will complete this project. 

24. Launch a storytelling project that I will otherwise remain vague about here but will become a primary focus of 2016. 

Work on this project has begun in earnest. 

Mid-year assessment: This project is dependent on the sale of the storytelling proposal, though work on the proposal will move this project forward significantly. It is highly likely that I will take major steps in terms of this project in 2016. 

NEW PROJECTS

25. Host at least one Shakespeare Circle.

No progress.

Mid-year assessment: I must admit that my enthusiasm for this project has waned a bit. Chances of completion are 50/50 at best. 

26. Learn to cook three good meals for my wife.

No progress

Mid-year assessment: This is one of those unachieved goals from 2015. The shame of failing again in 2016 should be enough to get this done. Readers have also been helpful in choosing recipes, so I have no excuses. 

27. Plan a 25 year reunion of the Heavy Metal Playhouse.

No progress.

Mid-year assessment: This is a project that will take a few hours to complete. I am almost certain that it will happen in 2016. 

MISCELLANEOUS

28. Replace the 12 ancient, energy-inefficient windows in our home with new windows that will keep the cold out and actually open in the warmer months.

No progress. 

Mid-year assessment: The mild winter made this less of a priority in the beginning of 2016. If the funding is available in the fall of 2016, we will complete this project. 

29. Optimize our television for a streaming service. 

Likely a summer project.

Mid-year assessment: This will happen, damn it.  

30. Set a new personal best in golf.

I have begun a serious and committed change of my swing under the guidance of a friend who also happens to be an outstanding teacher. As a result, I am hitting the ball farther, higher, and less consistently. I am practicing at the range 3-4 times a week.

As a result, I scored poorly in June but am hitting the ball better than ever before. 

There is hope. Today I play in a 54 hole tournament with 15 strangers. It should be interesting.   

I also applied for a targeted practice experiment through a popular podcast with a specific focus on hitting my driver farther. If accepted, I will receive a professional trainer and my progress will be charted via the podcast.  

Mid-year assessment: With my new swing coach and two months of the summer left, I think I have a better than 50/50 chance of achieving this goal.

31. Play poker at least six times in 2016.

I played one game back in April. I canceled the game I scheduled for June do to lack of attendance.  

Mid-year assessment: If I can find people to play, I will complete this goal in 2016. So far this has seemed unlikely. 

32. Do not speak negatively about another person's physical appearance except when done in jest with my closest friends. 

Done. I came close at a Moth StorySLAM when I wondered aloud why the host would wear a tee shirt and a button-down shirt that was unbuttoned entirely. Was he going for a casual sports jacket look? Did he want people to see his tee shirt? What would possess a person to throw on a button-down shirt but then not button it at all?

I was not speaking negatively about this person. I was merely curious. But I admit that my comments came close to the line.  

Regardless, this remains an easy goal to accomplish once you've committed to it. I highly recommend it to everyone. 

Mid-year assessment: I will almost certainly complete this goal.

33. Post my progress in terms of these resolutions on this blog on the first day of every month.

Done.

Mid-year assessment: I will almost certainly complete this goal. 

 

Simple. Hilarious. Makes stupid people look stupid. Everything I want in a two minute video.

If you haven't seen this yet, you must watch. 

Anything that ironically or sarcastically simplifies a subject that should already be extremely simple to comprehend makes me happy.

I love it when stupid people are made to feel stupid.

Also, I was thinking that I would start asking my wife if she'd like a cup of tea as my new euphemism for sex, but perhaps that is not such a good idea. 

This is the most inaccurate description of marriage I have ever read. I hope it does not describe your marriage.

On this week's This American Life, philosopher and author Alain de Botton describes marriage this way:

“Be incredibly forgiving for the weird behavior that’s going to start coming out. You will be very unhappy in lots of ways. Your partner will fail to understand you.

If you’re understood in maybe, I don’t know, 60% of your soul by your partner, that’s fantastic. Don’t expect that it’s going to be 100%. Of course you will be lonely.

You will often be in despair. You will sometimes think it’s the worst decision in your life. That’s fine. That’s not a sign your marriage has gone wrong.

It’s a sign that it’s normal, it’s on track. And many of the hopes that took you into the marriage will have to die in order for the marriage to continue. Some of the headiness and expectations will have to die.”

— Alain De Botton

Host Ira Glass says this "one of the most accurate description of marriage" he's ever heard.

This is nonsense. Complete nonsense. It need not to be this way. 

Elysha and I will be celebrating ten years of marriage next month.
There has been no despair.
No unhappiness.
No doubt.
None of our hopes and dreams and expectations have died. 

We have only added new hopes and dreams to our list.

Marry the best person you know. Do things together. Find new things to do together. Be honest. Don't ever be selfish. 

Ignore the words of Alain de Botton.  

That ice cream shop that you think is "amazing" or the best? It's not.

I ate some bad ice cream last week. After taking in a show in Brooklyn, Elysha and I went to Milk, the "sister bakery" of the Momofuku restaurants.

Milk offers two kinds of soft serve ice cream. Both are designed to taste like the milk left over after you've eaten a sugary cereal, and the creators have nailed it. The ice cream tastes exactly like cereal-flavored milk.

Why anyone would want ice cream that tastes like cereal-flavored milk is beyond me. My only guess is that people born in the last twenty years were forced to eat cereals like Puffins, Kashi, and Grape Nuts as children.

They had never known the joy of a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, Frosted Flakes, or Apple Jacks.

I have eaten these sugary cereals in abundance and know the remaining milk for what it really is:

At best, a sad consolation prize to a bowl once filled with the best tasting cereals in the world. 

At worst, the disgusting runoff of a once splendid breakfast. The wastewater of a breakfast that will most assuredly spike your blood sugar levels for hours. 

Cereal-flavored ice cream is not good.

All that said, I would also like to push back against every person who has ever told me that a particular ice cream shop serves "the best" ice cream. Or the people who say that a particular brand of ice cream is "amazing." Or those who proselytize about the dairy farm that makes its ice cream on site or the ice cream shack on the beach that is more than worth the 45 minute drive.   

I'm sorry, but if you're talking about ice cream (and you're not talking about dumbass cereal-flavored ice cream), then I don't buy it.

As "amazing" as an ice cream shop or ice cream brand may be, it's still ice cream, which is already inherently amazing. Ice cream is already one of the best foods in the world. Any improvement upon what is already gold will be marginal at best. 

If you want to tell me that a particular flavor combination is fantastic, I'll listen. But if you try to tell me that one brand of chocolate ice cream is superior to another, I don't care.

It's chocolate ice cream. It's good no matter what. And I strongly suspect that most of the difference in taste that you detect is psychosomatic.

It feels good to eat ice cream made at a dairy farm.

It feels right to eat ice cream at an independently owned ice cream shack by the beach that's been in business for 50 years.   

We expect the the ice cream made by two friends in Vermont or three sisters in Massachusetts or the farm that employs troubled inner city teens to taste better.

But it's ice cream. No matter where it is purchased or who is making it, it's already the nectar of the gods. Unless you were dumb enough to make it from cereal-flavored milk, you can't screw up ice cream.

Don;t get me wrong. I'll be happy to join you on your trek to the shoreline or your trip to the dairy farm because any ice cream is good ice cream, but please don't try to tell me that it's the best ice cream around. If I were to set up a blind taste test between your "amazing" soft serve chocolate and the soft serve chocolate served at Dairy Queen or Carvel or any other branded establishment, I suspect that you would be hard pressed to tell the difference. 

Even if you could, the difference would be marginal, because it's ice cream. It's hard to improve on near-perfection.