Renee Miller's Blog, page 26

How to Survive an Internet Apocalypse

At some point, somehow, the Internet will disappear. Don’t
ask me how I know this, I just do. It’s impossible that such awesomeness would
go on forever. An apocalypse is sure to happen. I mean, they’ve been predicting
this shit forever. Odd are someone is going to be right at some point and what
if that apocalypse involves the complete obliteration of the Internet and all
the technology it provides? Gasp!






But I shall help you deal. First I want to prepare you for
what will happen. After that, I’ll tell you how to be ready for it, and what to
do to survive when it happens. Yes, I’ve spent quite a lot of time thinking
about this.



The first thing you’ll notice when the Internet Apocalypse
is here is a lot of folks will be cranky as fuck. This will be due to the
inability of a large portion of the population to achieve orgasm. Why? The
Internet offers copious amounts of readily available sexual inspiration. No one
has had to conjure up their own fantasies for years. We will have to guide
folks into achieving orgasm the old fashioned way by stocking up on Playboy,
Victoria’s Secret and the Sears Catalog. We will work our way down the
inspiration scale. Playboy and such magazines first. Then when those are too
soiled and tattered to use, we’ll scale back to Victoria’s secret. It’ll be
hard…eventually. (sorry, couldn’t help it.) Once Victoria is sullied beyond
recognition, we’ll move to the underwear section of the Sears catalog. Once we’re
through that, maybe, just maybe, we’ll be able to imagine pornographic shit in
our heads. And once more we will all be able to get off. People will relax and
sexual frustration will not be the cause of another World War.  



People will also have to write letters and mail them. At the
post office. Buying stamps and envelopes. Relying on other people to carry our
messages. Oh Jesus, I don’t like even thinking about how this shit will work.
Not only do you have to wait for someone to receive the letter, open it, and
read it, but you’ll have to wait for them to figure out how to write a reply
and find their way to the post office.



Eventually we’ll realize that in order to have pictures, we
have to take them ourselves. We’ll have to use real cameras, film possibly and
PAY FOR THEM! The horror, I know, is endless. But we shall overcome. Maybe we’ll
relearn how to enjoy a moment without recording it so everyone else can enjoy
it too. Without Facebook, blogs and Twitter, we’ll have to record our lives
manually, using things like a diary. If we want to share it, we’ll have to go
outside and give the diary to someone else, or shout it from the rooftops.



News will no longer be free and immediately available. Folks
will have to buy a newspaper. Perhaps without the constant stream of awfulness
that is the media today, we will become so unaccustomed to assholes that we won’t
be afraid to point one out when we see one.



Stalkers and bullies will have to go old school and actually
physically move their asses in order to wreak havoc and misery. I suspect that
such behaviors will steadily decline. What then I ask? What then!



We’ll have to shop at stores…outside. And we’ll have to
figure out a new way to occupy ourselves while on the toilet. No tweeting or
playing games on our phones. We’ll have to read magazines or something. Maybe
take a pen in with us and write on the wall.



Work will suck too. How is one supposed to pretend she is
working all fucking day? Don’t worry,
I got this. The art of doodling and wasting time in bathrooms, coffee runs,
smoke breaks, and shit will return. We will not be forced to work all day.



Teachers will have to use a chalkboard and chalk to teach.
They can’t fire up the big ass screen on the wall and tell students to read
what’s up there. The students will have to learn how to use the library and how
to look shit up in a book. God, it’s going to be terrible.



Yes, this is a nightmarish scenario. I shudder just thinking
about it, but think about it we must! We must be prepared should Google decide
we are unworthy of its awesomeness. We must have certain things in order to get
through the total collapse of civilization as we know it.



Survival Kit



Some things you should prepare in advance, so you can get
through the early days:



1. Magazines, books, etc.



With no Internet, these archaic mediums of information and entertainment
will not only amuse and educate you; I suspect they will skyrocket in value.
Keep them locked up in a safe place. Looting is inevitable.



2. Pets



With any apocalypse, the shortage of food is a real concern.
If you have pets, you have food. Don’t look at me like that. If you’d rather
starve than eat Rufus, pets also make great protectors. Sometimes. Unless they’re
my pets.



3. Money



Real money. Not plastic. Store some away so you can buy
whatever for as long as the cash lasts. Also, pray to God that the twits
running the cash registers know how to operate a calculator. Seriously, I’ve
experienced a power outage while shopping numerous times. What do the cashiers
do? They shut shit down. “I can’t make the thing beep so you can’t buy it.”



4.  Food



Because how will you pay for shit when they can’t use that
handy machine?



5. Weapons



People will lose their shit. Protect yourself.



6. Light source



Odds are there won’t be electricity in an Internet
apocalypse. In fact, a massive power outage is probably what’ll cause it, so have
some lights. Flashlights, candles, lighters, matches, whatever. Get those handy
solar flashlights…batteries are only useful as long as they have juice.



7. Movies



The power might not go out. If it doesn’t, you can’t rely on
Netflix anymore. Stock up on movies, DVDs of shows you like, and that kind of
thing. It’ll get boring after a while and one can only exercise and clean so
much.



8. Wood stove, fire pit, metal trash can and lots of flammable
materials.



I don’t know how shit will go down when the Internet
crashes, but it doesn’t hurt to prepare for the worst. If everyone goes insane
and the electricity and such also vanishes, you’ll have to keep warm. I’m
Canadian. Heating is a big concern in any catastrophe.



9. Board games



To fill those endless hours that used to be filled with
Tetris and online poker.



10. Hobby



Get a hobby now that is not Internet related. It will save
your sanity later. Trust me.



What to do when the
Internet Goes Down



1. Don’t panic. Panic never makes anything better. Screaming
and flailing about never made anyone less dead. Keep your shit together.



 2. Lock your doors.
Folks will be outside. What else do they have to do? When people go outside,
bad shit happens. Don’t let it happen to you.



3. Read. Get a book. A real one with paper pages. Look at
it. Enjoy it. Absorb its awesomeness. Sigh. Life might be okay after all.



4. Sleep. Now that you have no need to stay up until the wee
hours navigating your way through Pinterest, you can catch up on your rest.



5. Go outside occasionally. It’ll be the only way to
accurately predict the weather once the Internet is gone.



6. Throw away your cell phone. It’s not going to work anyway
and constantly turning the damn thing on to check is annoying your friends. I
know you want to tweet, but you’ll have to beat this addiction and cold turkey
is the only way. Stop texting. Stop it! It’s not working.



7. Update your status. No, put the laptop down. Go outside
and tell someone what you’re doing right now. They must know.



8. Make friends. Real friends. Those online folks are gone.
Forget about them. Now you’ll have to prepare yourself for real life
conversation. I know. It’s a terrifying idea.



9. Curl up on the couch. Cry. It’s okay. This will be hard
and crying is understandable. Get it all out so you can start dealing with the
horror of life without Facebook.



10. Get a notebook and a pen, and write. Without the
Internet there’s no way for folks to know what’s happening out there unless
they go outside. Few are willing to indulge in such insanity so it is up to us,
the wordsmiths, to record events for the future.


 

Creating Character: The Inhuman

I’m almost to the end of my series on creating memorable characters. Just one more after this. I could have included inhuman characters in “The Extras”, but inhuman characters could include your protagonist, antagonist, extras, etc. The Inhuman variety of characters, no matter what role they play, needed a spotlight all their own. Why? Because folks get mental creating inhuman characters and I want to stop the insanity.



The bottom line is this: Writers back in the day could get away with dropping an alien or monster into the plot and make him whatever they wanted him to be without much logic or reason behind the whole process. Today? Science and technology have given us the ability to research with the touch of a button, and the average reader has access to an ass load of knowledge, more than has ever been possible. Readers, to put it simply, are as smart or smarter than writers. So we kind of have to step up our game when creating inhumans. Do you think Stephenie Meyer will ever hear the end of sparkling vampires that have babies and how bullshitty that is? No. Because readers were all “What. The. Fuck?” Don’t be that writer.



Bringing an inhuman character into a novel requires a bit more planning and thought on the part of the writer than some of you may feel is necessary. You don't have to bother with world building, but it’s kind of really important to ensure the reader enjoys your story. You don’t want to do it? Meh. That’s your choice. But if you want inhuman characters that make a reader believe they exist, even if only for the time it takes to read your book, then you best get to building.



 It doesn’t matter whether the character could actually exist or whether the place he comes from is real or fictional. You create a believable inhuman character by sticking to a few basics. Actually they’re common sense things, like being consistent. Know your character's physical traits, limitations and such before you go into the story. Having an alien who comes down to Earth and is all “I here for first time, skin creature, and I want a hamburger.” is stupid. Inhumans who are unfamiliar with Earth should be, well, unfamiliar. They’d see a hamburger and be all “What is this thing? It smells of fat and flesh. And what is this foliage on it and this soft thing…it is like a pillow and yet it painted with this strange substance?”



But wait—would the inhuman character even speak English? How did he learn it if he’s never been to Earth before? Why English out of all the other languages he might have chosen? If you want to have him reference purely human things, or to be knowledgeable about human things, then make it so he’s always known about us, or explain how he learned…but not with an info dump or anything like that. Weave it into the story. Simple.



Make sure the creature you create could inhabit Earth’s environment and that if he were to ingest human food or partake in our customary activities, like sex for example, bad shit won’t happen…or make sure it should happen if that’s the angle you’re taking. Maria Zannini creates awesomely real and believable inhumans. When I read her books, I believe her characters come from the worlds she creates, and their presence among humans is smooth and natural. For example, in “True Believers” she gives the reader a love scene that is mind blowing, yet completely believable. The male lead in this scene is an alien, and he doesn’t have the bits and pieces we’re used to ladies, but she takes what he has and crafts a scene that is…hot, in a word. And not once are you going “Pfft. As if.” That’s what we all need to do.



We’ll travel on a little tangent for a moment, because this reminds me of a major consistency issue I find in some newer fantasy and sci-fi novels: Reproduction. Let’s make sure that creating little inhumans or hybrids is actually possible. Not to pick on Meyer or anything, because there are other authors who've chosen to get crazy with baby-making, but Edward and Bella making a mini-me is just beyond plausibility. When a character is undead, and none of his other bodily functions works as it did before because he’s not technically alive, and it’s already established in your story and everyone else’s that said creature has a very different method of reproducing more of his kind, then giving life via the old fashioned human way is impossible. Just saying.



 Another bit you need to pay attention to is the cultural issues that arise when creating inhuman characters. They’re not human, so you have to give them unique traits in this area that make them distinct. What makes them have these traits? Is it their history or their biology? Do they have morals, beliefs and ethics that differ from their human counterparts?



We have a long history of war, violence and self-destruction. We also have a great potential for love and peace, which has shaped us culturally. All of this has given humanity many things that other species might not have. Art, religion and science were all shaped and defined by our history as a species, and each race within our species has a vastly different culture. Your inhuman characters need this definition as well.



A couple of other things:



Whether your inhuman is good or evil, make sure there is a logical reason for them to be here on Earth.



Give them physical attributes that make sense. Fangs that never get used are not evolution. They’re a waste of time. Flippers on a creature who has never entered the water are pointless. A shapeshifter who shifts, but keeps his human personality while in animal form is boring.



Making them weird doesn’t add quality or intensity. It just makes them weird. Actually, it draws attention to the lack of structure and planning in your world building. If you’re making an inhuman, you need to figure out his story and his history. Don’t include it in the plot, goodness that’d be dumping by the bucket-load, but in knowing this history you’re going to write an inhuman character the way he’s supposed to be written. He should be more human than you or me in some ways, and he should definitely highlight some of our failings.



What are some of your favorite inhuman characters? What pisses you off most when reading about inhumans?

Plan B

 

So, some of you may know (if you’ve read my rambling blog
posts) that I’ve had a pretty focused plan for publishing for a long time. It
was a solid plan, and one that I made keeping in mind that I want to be viewed
as a professional, and not just another stay-at-home mom with delusions of
grandeur. I do have those delusions, but I can actually write a decent story
and I’ve worked hard to learn the ins and outs of the craft.



So my original plan, which we shall call Plan A (although it
may have been revised a half dozen times), was to write, write and write some
more. In between that writing, I’d study, try to figure out what made good
fiction good, then I’d join critique groups and workshops so I could take my
lumps like any diligent writer. Man, the first time some stranger ripped me a
new one, I was terrified to even approach a keyboard again. But I swallowed my
pride and dove in again and again. That ripping was very educational, and
although it still hurts, I’m grateful for it.



I worked for a couple of years on those first manuscripts.
One or two of them have been filed away, never to be seen again because of
their glorious awfulness, but a few also made it to “finished,” by which I mean
they’re polished enough to query, but never quite perfect. I rewrite each one
with every rejection.



I read agent blogs, published author blogs, interviews,
books; you name it, if it had to do with fiction, books or publishing, I
checked it out, and then I moved to the next stage of my plan, which I was told
by my numerous sources was to build a platform. A platform? I asked myself.
What the hell is that? Well, we all know what that is now. So while I made
lists of agents I might someday query, I started a blog, joined Twitter and
dove into the insanity that is social media. I kept up with writing groups and
that all-important networking, tried to publish short fiction, and much to my
surprise I got good enough that I found out someone would pay me to write shit
for them. Well not shit. Articles on a wide range of subjects. Then I quit the
day job and became a “professional” freelancer.  As of today I’ve written almost 1000 articles
for online clients. Pretty cool. Yes. Not fiction though, which is my ultimate
goal.



For four years I’ve queried, written, edited, rewrote, and
queried again. All of this time I followed the golden rule: Keep querying. Keep
writing. Do NOT self-publish.



But during the last couple of years I noticed something
happening. It wasn’t obvious initially. We’ve all heard stories of
self-published authors getting big fat contracts the rest of us would kill for without
blinking an eye. But we still were told that self-publishing is not the avenue
for anyone wanting to be taken seriously to take. I agreed. I still agree. I
don’t think any “new” author should self-publish right out of the gate. I think
the process of the traditional route, even if unsuccessful, is a valuable
learning experience we all need. It gives us time to hone our craft, to
determine what we really want out of this career, and to be sure we’ve chosen
the right genre and the right path.







The question is, how long do we keep our heads in the sand?
How long do we hammer away in the same manner without getting any results? I
suppose it depends on the author. How patient are you? How diligent? How
determined?



I’d say I’m pretty determined. I haven’t given up on
traditional publishing. I do believe it’s the right choice for me. However, my
current plan is at a dead end. I’ve got a buttload of manuscripts, some
finished, some requiring a few more rounds with the red pen of doom, but they’re
just sitting. A couple of them I’m confident are publishable. Very confident. I
know they’re worth reading. But I just can’t get a bite. I get a yank on the
line now and then, but in the end the prize gets away.



I’ve been thinking about this a lot for more than a year. I’ve
gone back and forth and back again. I’ve scolded myself for even thinking about
“giving up” and I’ve beaten myself up for being an idealistic shithead for
daring to hope every time I send a damn query.



So, this week I finally decided enough is enough. I’ve been
thinking it for a long time, but I just couldn’t bring myself to “quit” or to
give up the dream. But my gut keeps telling me I have to make a change. I
almost always go with my gut. Why do I resist it so fiercely when it comes to
this? You can’t do the same thing over and over again and expect different
results. You just can’t. At some point you have to seriously look at what you’re
doing and determine what needs to be done differently.



Well I’m switching to Plan B. I’m not quitting or giving up
anything. I’m…evolving, I guess.



Plan B is not simply to self-publish and nothing else. I
actually want to work within the traditional framework, but I have to
acknowledge that the industry has changed drastically. The reality is that we
now have more options and more paths open to us. Publishers aren’t as willing
to take risks on new authors, even if you’ve worked a long time at the craft.
They won’t risk a new author even if said author is writing professionally in
another format, and is being paid for it. They want reassurance that the
authors they take on can make money, which is understandable in the current condition
of the industry. Publishers aren’t in this business to make dreams come true.
They’re a business. I get it now.



 So the new plan is to
submit Jack to the Amazon Breakthrough Novel extravaganza thing. I think Jack
is an excellent novel that readers will enjoy. Well, some will hate it. Some
will love it. I don’t think there will be many who feel very neutral about it.
That’s a good thing. Sure I could self-publish that one, but I think it’s got
enough of a hook that it might do very well. And the prize for this thing is
nothing to sniff at, so I’m not going to pass up the opportunity.



While Jack is fighting the good fight, I’m going to prepare In the Bones for publishing. Myself. Yes
folks, I’ve gone and jumped out of the boat and I’m going to self-publish. I’m
probably way out of my element. I’m sure I’ll fuck up more than once, but I’ll
learn and things will happen. Different things. I won’t be stagnant. I won’t be
waiting. I’ll be actively doing something to reach my goals. Is it the right
something? I don’t know. Could be a complete disaster. But it could also be
awesome. I can’t succeed or fail unless I actually do something, right?



The thing is, I have several books done, and several more
outlined. If I do this right, I have a solid base to work from. I plan to hire
an editor. My covers will be professional and the marketing, well I’m working
on that. Marketing is an animal I struggle with. It’s scary and weird, but I’ll
muddle through. I’ve already started a Wordpress blog, because I have big plans
for The Edge, but I’ll keep Blogger as well because I know many of you prefer
the Blogger format and I like to creep around through your blogs now and then.



So, stay tuned. 2013 should be fun.



Or it may be the year I finally slip off the edge. Either
way, good times for someone.

Creating Character: The Extras

You’ve got your
protagonist and the jerk that’s against him all laid out and ready to go. Now
the real fun can begin. No, we’re not starting to write just yet. When
beginning a novel, it’s easy to forget that your protagonist and your villain need
a strong supporting cast of players to bring it all together and to breathe
life into your story. And they shouldn't be thrown in all willy-nilly. The “Extras” are the color, the interest, the little bit
of something that sets your story out from the thousands of others like it.
Getting to know the supporting cast is as important as knowing your main
characters. When you know all of the extras like the back of your hand, then
you know before you begin each scene which of them are needed at each stage and
which ones are useless decoration or filler. A lot of writers treat extras like
fluff. They’re little more than ornamentation, stereotypes and clichés. No. No.
No. This makes your plot and your main characters weak. Don’t give them the
same, tired old best friend or jilted lover. Get your thinking cap on and make
the extras as memorable (or damn close) as the protagonist.



Shall we have a look
at our extras? All right then, here we go:



 
The Main Character






The main character is
the person we view the story through, and I’m adding him as an extra because
he’s not always the protagonist. He’s the narrator of the story. Writing your
story via the POV of another character, a secondary, less important character,
who can only see the action from the outside and assume this or that about the
protagonist can add depth to the protagonist. I mean, we don’t see ourselves
and what we do as others can see us, and your protagonist can’t either. Anne
Rice proves how well this can work in “Interview with the Vampire” where Louis
is narrating Lestat’s tale, and who is it we remember most? Exactly. While
Lestat is the character the story is centered on, the driving force behind the
plot, Louis’s narration adds color and intensity that Lestat’s POV could not
have done.



 

The Voice of Reason



The Voice of Reason
character is calm, rational and cool. This extra character might even be
perceived as cold or boring. She’s the one that bases everything on logic and
reason, and may be on the protagonist’s side, or the antagonist’s. She might
not be on anyone’s side. Her purpose is to rein shit in and make everyone just
calm the fuck down and take stock. She may or may not be tangible. The voice of
reason is sometimes a character’s conscience, an event, or a relationship.
While not specifically a person, the voice of reason plays an important role in
keeping things moving forward.



She might not do this
via dialogue or even intentionally, but the voice of reason is a tool that can
create excellent tension and conflict in your story, and she has no bigger a
role physically than the guy at the bar serving drinks to the killer’s first
victim.



I’ve seen many a tale
where the voice of reason is misused. Instead of using this character subtly,
the writer just inserts her as a fact-giver, or a way to drop some backstory to
make everything before her insertion make sense. No, good God, don’t do that.
Look at how Gandalf plays the voice of reason in “Lord of the Rings,” for
example. When the main characters get all bent out of shape and lose sight of
the goal, a brief scene with Gandalf in it gets shit back on track. He reminds
them of the logic of the situation, with a few lines that aren’t obviously
saying “Get your shit together, boys.” and they’re back on track. Inserting a
doctor, lawyer or scientist, or any figure of authority, merely to give facts is
lazy. The voice of reason must remind the other characters what’s at stake
without literally reminding them what’s at stake. Sometimes it’s as simple as your
protagonist (let’s say it’s a romance) is losing steam, losing motivation, and
perhaps his goal is to win the girl and live happily ever after, but she’s
playing so hard to get that he just thinks maybe that sweet blonde next door
would be way easier to win. He meets the blonde, maybe takes her out on the
town, but as she talks and he gets to know her, he realizes the other girl, his
goal, is everything this blonde is not. She’s the only one who makes his heart
do this and his mind do that. In this case, the blonde is the voice of reason
because she makes him refocus his attention on his goal, which he realizes was not
just finding an easy lay. She doesn’t do it intentionally or obviously, but she
still gets shit back where it should be, and she adds a little tension in the
meantime. I mean, the love interest is going to be all “I thought you loved me,
and here you are dating Blondie,” and he’ll be all, “Yeah, but…” and you go
from there. Yeah, cheesy example, but you see what I mean, right? Good. Moving
on.



 
The Emotional Pit






The Emotional Pit isn’t
a sobbing mess. This character can be many things. Energetic,
disorganized, angry, sad, elated; he is someone that seems to be uncontrolled and
driven by feelings. The Emotional Pit wears his heart on his sleeve and his
emotions are quick to ignite, whether that’s anger, glee or something else.
He’s also you’re go-to character for empathy and understanding. Perhaps he’s
the ex-boyfriend, or the weird neighbor who likes to make protest signage and
killed your antagonist’s cat last month because it was giving him messages from
Satan. Maybe this character is simply a child, which we all know can be
believably emotionally batshit. The important factor in this character is that
he must stand apart from the main plot line as an extra, but still manage to
crank up the conflict and tension. So don’t just have this crazy, lunatic type
come running in to say he’s all pissed at shit. That’s not adding anything.



Your Emotional Pit character
helps to make the protagonist identify some of his emotions, or perhaps he can
force other characters to realize the severity of the situation. He might even
be an obstacle in the protagonist’s way. He’s not the villain or the
antagonist, but he could be a pain in the ass just the same.



 
The Sidekick/Bestie






Ah, the
sidekick/bestie, your protagonist’s faithful go-to guy or gal who way too many
people think should offer undying support and love. The reality is that this
character can be the supporter of any character, not just the protagonist. And
he can support the protagonist without being a yes-man all the time. You can
give the villain, the voice of reason, or any other character a
bestie/sidekick. The role of this guy or girl is varied, but the potential for
cliché is huge, so use this one with caution and make sure he’s necessary to
the plot before you go dropping him in all willy-nilly.



Sidekicks might be included
for comedy relief, contrast, or they might be the method in which you reinforce
a character’s goal or beliefs. A sidekick/bestie can play dual roles, sometimes
being the Voice of Reason, the Emotional Pit or he might only play a sidekick. Your
protagonist and your antagonist might both have one of these guys at his side,
and this character doesn’t have to be faithful and supportive in that
nauseating loyal puppy dog sort of way.



For example, in Dirty
Truths, I have this character named Thomas. He’s a tall, dark and creepy sort,
who is kind of good, kind of bad. He’s Wade’s best friend, but he’s definitely
far from what you’d call a puppy dog. He threatens Kristina, the protagonist,
and kills off her obstacle character, Wade’s wife, but talks about love and
loyalty like a priest might, and he’s kind of inspiring when he does it. Later
he goes all badass on Wade, because Wade is obviously not thinking rationally,
and he’s quite scary.



A clearer example
(because most of you have no clue what I’m talking about with Dirty Truths)
might be Watson, Sherlock’s sidekick/bestie character. He’s loyal and all that,
but he sees Sherlock for what he is. In other words, this character doesn’t
have to be stupid or blindly follow the character he supports. He can play the
yin to that character’s yang. Get it? Good.



 
The Inconsequentials






The bartender, the
mailman, the hooker on the street that no one likes to admit knowing on a personal
level, the neighbor, the teacher…all the characters the reader thinks are part
of the set, but who actually play a big role in shit are the inconsequentials.
I should’ve used another word, because these characters have to be necessary,
not replaceable, but this is how we view them, so it’s easier for me to
remember them this way.



The inconsequential
characters are all the ones you need to add to make the story believable and to
help drive the action forward. If your character goes to a store, there needs
to be a cashier to ring in the crap he buys. If he dies and goes to Hell, there
needs to be an entity to meet him there. These characters are asides, not part
of the action or main plot line, but vital to it. Stephen King, Charlaine
Harris, and Dennis Lehane are all brilliant at creating inconsequentials that
are so dynamic and real, you can’t imagine another character playing the small roles
they’re given. Read a couple of their novels, and you’ll see what your goal
should be in creating an inconsequential. While their actions may not change
the outcome of the story, if you remove them, it affects the story and it’s “tone”
dramatically.



 
So there you have it.
There are probably at least a dozen or more other types of extras you can put
into your story that I haven’t listed here. In the interest of brevity, I tried
to keep it to the most commonly used ones. I’ve kept inhuman characters and love
interests aside. Those two deserve their own discussion in another post. So what are your
favorites? Do you have any tips for making them memorable?

2012: Boy Am I Glad That’s Over

2012 was an asshole. I’m glad we said goodbye to it. One
year ago, I had such plans. When January 1, 2012 arrived I was optimistic about
my writing “career” and my personal life and I thought that this just might be “my”
year.



Sigh. What a moron.



Aside from making a few new friends and launching OFW, not a
whole lot of good came out of 2012. It will go down in my history as the year
that totally fucked me. To be honest, I was kind of looking forward to that
apocalypse, but the damn Mayans let me down.



The first few months weren’t bad; more of a blur actually,
but in a good way. We hammered at OFW and I wrote and wrote and wrote some
more, and then spring arrived and my dad was diagnosed with cancer. Everything
in my world stopped momentarily, and then life kind of spun out of control. He fought
hard, but we lost him on December 11. I can’t begin to describe the emptiness
his absence left in my soul. People say that it gets easier and that’s probably
true, but I don’t see how it ever gets less painful. I will miss that man until
my last breath. Childish or not, I can only describe the entire experience as “not
fair.”



While we struggled to deal with losing my dad, opportunity
knocked on our door because opportunity’s an asshole like that. Likes to make
an appearance when you’re all “Goddamn it I can’t even think right now!” You
can’t ignore it because it’s opportunity for fucksakes, but you’re not really
in a place to deal with any new shit either. So what do you do? Well in our
case opportunity came for Kurt, and he naturally jumped at it after worrying
over the matter until his head threatened to explode. I would’ve done the same
and I’m proud of his decision, but it leaves me and the kids here and Kurt in
British Columbia. Fodder for the gossip mill. Small towns are famous for it,
and Tweed’s no different than the rest. There were rumors before he even left
about how I was such a bitch he had to run across the country to get away from
me. Yeah, I found it kind of amusing too.



How long will we live in separate time zones? Hard to say.
One year, two…more. We’re not rushing anything, but the goal is for us to join
him eventually. He’s a pain in the ass, but I realize after him being gone only
a week that he’s one of the only people who gets my sense of humor. Sadly my
kids just think I’m nuts because Kurt’s weirdness isn’t here to overshadow
mine. The good thing to come out of this separation is that Kurt finally fixed the tub and the toilet. Guess he was afraid I might attempt it when he was gone.

 

So, I begin 2013 in a dark sort of limbo. I’m not sure my grief is
even remotely dealt with, and I’m no further ahead in my publishing endeavors
than I was last year at this time. The good news is I’ve got nowhere to go but
up. Right? Plus, I believe my dad’s out there somewhere kicking the universe’s
ass so that I might see some good luck for a change.



Now, I don’t usually make resolutions, but I do try to make
goals for my work every January. If you want to call them resolutions, go right ahead. So what’s the plan for 2013? It depends on how
2012’s last attempts at publication turn out.



In November I participated in NaNoWriMo, something I’d
resisted for a long time. The experience helped me refocus my writing energies
and got me started on a potential series of paranormal novels. I’m still
banging my head against the outline wall, but I think it has potential.



I also submitted to a couple of open calls from Random House
and Harper Collins. It’s looking like those aren’t going to turn out as I’d
hoped.



So, I’m giving Amazon’s Breakthrough Novel thing a go. I
figure, why not have a rejection from every corner of the industry? But
seriously, I’m thinking Jack might do pretty well in this contest. Sure, it’s
highly likely he won’t get me to first place, but I expect him to make a good
show.



After that? Well, I know many of you will be all “NO!!!” but
I’ve decided to try something new this year. If my queries and such still see
me standing where I am now after the Amazon contest is over, I’m sitting down
and drawing up a plan to self-publish.



Don’t get too freaked out. My end goal is and will always be
traditional publishing, but I can’t close my eyes to the many roads available
to me, and I can’t ignore the fact that my current path hasn’t yielded results.
What was it Einstein said? “The
definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and
expecting different results." I don’t want to be insane. I’m
cautiously optimistic about 2013.



 

Creating Character: The Character Interview: A Bit Jacked

So I’ve
said a lot about creating character and how we should “know” our characters
well enough to ensure their actions are logical and their motivations are
realistic. This doesn’t mean you spend hours before writing the story doing
this. I find that I get to know my characters better if I let them unfold as I
write. However, at some point during the process, I pause to sit down with the
major players and do a character interview. This is usually done in my head,
but I thought why not show you all how simple and kind of fun it is to do this?
So, every now and then, I’m going to post a character interview. You haven’t
read these stories (most of you anyway), so if my interview piques your
curiosity, then I know I’ve done my job, right? Right. I’ll start with a
character you’ve all met here on The Edge; Jackson Murphy.

 


Book Title: The Legend of Jackson Murphy



Character Name: Jackson Murphy



Role: Protagonist



Age: Early 40’s



Occupation: Contractor



Background:



I’m a
self-made man who built a construction company from the ground up. My education
isn’t spectacular, but I’ve got balls and that’s why I have what I do today. I
avoid my family, because most of them are pathetic and have nothing to offer me
aside from headaches and bullshit, and my marriage is going down the tubes.
Hobbies? Well, I like to make money and have sex. I’m not into fitness or any
of that shit, except maybe to keep myself in shape for the sex. I mean, those
young girls like a man with stamina, am I right? Of course I am.



Mental Characteristics:



What kind
of question is this? I know I said I’d cooperate, but seriously, this is
getting too touchy-feely for my tastes. You’re just going to whine and nag
until I answer, though, so let’s just get this shit over with. I’m obviously intelligent
and clever, or I wouldn’t be where I am. I don’t let emotions rule me, so I’d
say I’m a pretty level-headed guy. Unless you try to take what’s mine. You do
that and I might get aggressive, even homicidal. But you’d have it coming.



Spiritual Qualities: 



I don’t
have any. I don’t believe in God or the general kindness of strangers, whatever
the fuck that means. I think you gotta look out for number one, or you’ll get
left behind. So, whether something is ethical or not shouldn’t be viewed with
as much weight as whether that something is going to get you where you want to
be. Also, men are not meant to be monogamous. That’s bullshit. Marriage is
what’s wrong with the world today. I’m telling you, if we got rid of marriage,
people would be so much better off. Marriage and bisexuals. I’ve got nothing against
the gays, but the bi’s are just greedy fuckers.



Emotional Characteristics: 



Emotions?
Give me a break. What—I have to answer this shit too? Fine, I’ll play your
stupid game. I’m a confident guy, because I should be. I’ve got the shit to
back up that confidence too. I don’t cry or try to delve into my innermost
feelings. Who has time for that nonsense anyway? I’m not so much outgoing as I
am determined to get what I want. If that means I have to put myself out there,
I will. In general, though, I’d rather not deal with people. The majority of
the population is stupid. Most people are assholes. Who’d want to deal with
that shit if you don’t have to?



Am I happy?
I would be if I could get these mooches off my frigging back. Every time I turn
around there’s a hand in my damn pockets. I hate my wife, could take or leave
my kids, and I just want everyone to leave me and my money alone.



Motivating Desire:



Money. I
want to keep my money. That’s all I want. Okay, I want to end my marriage too,
but I want to do it as cheaply as possible. That’s why I figured divorce was
out of the question. A funeral now, that costs me nothing. But funerals, it
turns out, have some repercussions, so then my motivating desire kind of became
staying alive, and out of jail.



External Characteristics:



Not a
George Clooney or Clive level of hotness, but definitely a working man’s Brad
Pit level of attractive. I’m not ugly. Women like me.



What do you fear?


Nothing.
Okay, maybe jail. Tony’s scary too, but he’s not that smart. The mob really
needs to start using hitmen with a touch of education. They’d be unstoppable
then, but what do I know? I’m just a target.




Do you have secrets?



I have many
secrets, and just so you know, I plan to keep them. But I can give you a
general idea of the main ones. Let’s see, there’s Jenny, Ray, Thorne, Whitney,
Michelle, James…then there’s the mob shit, which was profitable for a while,
until that fat ass detective got her hairy nose into my business.



Inspiration:



My
inspiration? What the fuck kind of shit is this? My inspiration is greed. Is
that what you want to hear? Honestly. Are we done here? Good.



Excerpt “The Legend of Jackson Murphy”:



Morning
brought sunshine and silence. The kids left for school before Jack even made it
to the shower. He came down the stairs, thinking tomorrow he’d be going
commando if she didn’t do the laundry. He’d be damned if he’d ask her for
anything.



Jenny moved
in silence about the kitchen. She’d made just enough coffee for herself. Bitch.
The entertainment section of the paper was spread out in front of her but the
rest of the paper wasn’t in its usual crumpled heap. He looked to the door and
bit his lip. She’d taken out the gossip column and thrown the rest of his paper
outside, in the recycle bin.



He made his
own coffee and retrieved his crumpled paper from the blue bin on the porch next
to the door. As he moved to step back inside, the neighbor across the street
stared. Nosy cunt.



Jack
resisted the urge to have a pissing match with the likes of her. He would not
be drawn in, not now. He walked back inside and joined Jenny in the kitchen.



Sitting in
front of her at the small table, Jack made as much fuss as possible while
straightening the business section and slurping his properly made coffee.



Jenny did
her best to ignore him. He could tell she struggled with the effort by the way
her nostrils flared while she read her section of the paper. She was no match
for him, and finally looked up, her lips pressed into a thin line to stop
herself from yelling. Jenny hated slurpers.



“What?”



“Do you
have to slurp, Jack? Really, it’s annoying.”



“Well,
every time you breathe I’m annoyed, so we’re even.” He smiled and returned to
his paper. Jack wasn’t really reading. Who could concentrate with tension
hanging in the room like thick acrid smoke? Even if he could ignore that, the
metaphorical knife that dug into his throat would not be dismissed.



When
sniffling sounded from Jenny’s side of the table, he gave up the pretense and
stared.



“Where did
we go wrong?” she bawled.



Crying
usually worked for Jenny so he wasn’t surprised that she’d resort to that.
Still, it irked him that she would assume he gave a damn about her feelings.



“Why don’t
you love me anymore?”



“Why don’t
you love me? It’s not like you give a shit about this marriage, you’re just
angry that I’m not giving you what you want. Stop the theatrics; I’m not
bothered in the least by your tears.”



Jenny
continued to sniffle as Jack attempted to return to his paper.



“I don’t
want your money. I just want things to be the way they were.”



“I think
it’s a little late for that, Jen. When you decided to spread your legs for your
boyfriend, that was the last straw.”



“I don’t
have a boyfriend.”



Lying bitch.



“How could
you think such a thing?” she pressed on, “I want to work this out, I’d never
betray you.”



“Really?
Forgive me for not believing you but you’re a shitty liar. There’s nothing left
to work out anyway. I’m done.”



“Even if I
was having an affair—which I’m not—what about you? You’ve been sleeping with
that slut for God knows how long. You never miss a chance to rub it in my face.
I just—I, oh damn it. Please, I don’t want us to be over. Just let’s try to
make this marriage good again.”



Jack eyed
her tearful face. She sure looked sincere but he wasn’t born yesterday. Those
looks between her and Ray set his defenses up. She had something up her sleeve,
but what? Poisoning his food? Cutting his brake lines? It might be wise to play
along and see what she’d do.



“All right,
what do you want from me?”



“We should
take a second honeymoon, just you and me. We could go on a cruise or
something.”



Aha! She’d
push him off the boat and leave him to drown. Well, not if he pushed her first.
“All right, you make the plans but I’m not promising anything. Get rid of the
boyfriend while you’re at it.”



“There is
no one else, Jack.”



“Whatever.”
He sipped his coffee.



“This won’t
work if you won’t try.”



“I’ll try,”
he lied. “Make the plans and I’ll be there. I gotta get to work.”



“Come on
Jack; can’t you just be home one day each week?”



God, how he
hated whiners. “I don’t work Sundays. What more do you want?” He stood, leaving
his cup and the paper on the table.



“Are you
home on Sundays?”



“Can we
talk about this later? I really do need to go into work. I’ll come home early
if that makes you happy.” Or shuts you
up.



“Should I
book the trip? Can you take two weeks off?”



“Two weeks?
No, I can take a week, but not two.”



Her eyes
welled up with tears again.



Although he
didn’t care about her, her fake grief gave him a good excuse to give in. He
couldn’t stand criers. Crying showed weakness and weakness was contagious.
“Come on, give a guy a break. I’ll go, but I can’t spare two weeks. It’s my
business and if I’m not there I could lose out on jobs. Ray can’t bid, he’d put
us in the poor house for sure.”



“You don’t
give Ray enough credit. He’d do fine.”



I bet... “A week. End of discussion.”



Jack left
as she sputtered her arguments. All that talk about second honeymoons and
making it work made him nauseous. Next thing he knew, she’d want to have sex.



He wouldn’t
be on any cruise, but it made a good cover now that he considered it. How could
a man kill his wife while planning a second honeymoon? Only people in love went
on second honeymoons and people in love didn’t kill each other.

Dear Santa,

While I
haven’t tried to be particularly “good” this year, I think you’ll have to agree
that the lack of a single homicide is an impressive display of self-control.
You of all people understand the abundance of assholery good folks like me must
endure every day, so I think you should cut me some slack on the whole “nice”
thing.



I’ve
thought long and hard about what to include on my list this year, and I don’t
think I’ve asked for anything unreasonable. If you could see your way to
providing at least one of these things, I promise I won’t repeat last year’s
unfortunate email/stalking campaign. You know you had it coming.



Now that we
understand each other, I’ll just get to that list.



A publishing contract.
It doesn’t
have to include a large advance, or any advance. I would just like a decent
contract, with a publisher I can tolerate, and perhaps a kind editor that won’t
shatter my confidence completely.






A maid.
But she has
to be invisible and mute. I don’t need her to speak to me or do anything crazy
like charging for her services. Just give me one that cleans my house magically
and without being noticed. Thanks.






Clive Owen, Richard Armitage, and Alexander
Skarsgard
Alone, at one time, two at a time, whatever. Just get me these three for like….30 minutes. Or longer if you
like. As I said, I’m not unreasonable.






All the coffee.
I hate
running out of gas. It’s unpleasant for everyone around me so if I had all the
coffee, it’d never have to get ugly.






A real office.
Preferably
with heat…sans rodents.






Flea annihilator.
I don’t
care how toxic it is. Just get it and fry these little bastards.






Explanations
A lot of
weird shit has happened this year, and I need answers for some of it. Fifty
Shades of what the fuck is wrong with people, for example.






Heart mender.
Seems an
odd request, but these past weeks have broken my heart, and the hearts of those
dearest to me. If we could have that magic thing that makes it not hurt quite
so much, that’d be fantastic. What’s that? Time? I figured you’d say that. You’re
such an asshole sometimes.



 






Didn’t see
me going to the smushy place, did you? Sometimes I’m crafty like that. But seriously,
Santa, this year has been the most challenging I’ve ever experienced, and while
people go through this shit all the time, it’s still hard and sometimes I’m
selfish. So, do with that what you will and just get to taking care of my list.
I think I at least deserve my 30 minutes in heaven with Clive, Richard and/or
Alexander. I promise I won’t damage them…much.

Creating Character: Protagonists

Protagonists
are crucial to a memorable story. No matter how you go about crafting your
protagonist, you have to pause at some point and get to know the person telling
the story so that you can be sure he’s the right character for the job. Too
often I see fluffy protagonists that really could tell any story. They’re
yawn-worthy, and this is sad because a bit of work might have made them
fantastic.






The
protagonist is not necessarily your viewpoint character. He may or may not be
the narrator of the story. If you’re writing in first person, then of course he
is, but in third, second or omniscient, he could be the protagonist, but not
the person actually telling the story. The protagonist is simply the person about
whom the tale is told, either in voice and mind or in the action. What? He should
be the person the reader follows most closely. The reader sees not just his
actions but also why he behaves the way he does and how he interprets events
around him.



We don’t
want a Mary Sue either. We want a real, believable, flawed-but-not-too-flawed
person to live the story through.



So what
makes a good protagonist? Begin by asking yourself four simple questions:




Who is the story about?

What do they want?
What stands in their way?
What are they going to do about it?





There needs
to be a reason why these characters deserve our attention, why we bond with
them or at least stick with them for the duration of the story. A protagonist
must appeal to us in some way, but you have several options in what that way
might be.



Protagonist
is a neutral word, let’s not forget. He doesn’t have to be a hero or “good guy.”
We’ve been told that the protagonist must be appealing and we assume that good
and nice is what readers want, but this is so not true. The protagonist must be
relatable, and that’s not the same thing.
The protagonist doesn’t have to be a hero or good or nice. He just has to be
someone the reader can understand on some level. The goodness or badness of
your protagonist isn’t as important as his activeness. Protagonists must be relentlessly
active. They know what they want (or at least they think they know), they have
a good idea of what’s in their way, and they strategize and work to figure out
what to do about it. Without constant action from your characters, you lose the
dynamic energy that moves the plot forward. Without a plot that moves forward,
you no longer have a compelling story. Instead, you’ve got a lot of boring crap
that annoys your reader.



A
compelling story hinges on creating a good protagonist, which makes sense
because if you have a protagonist that is constantly working to overcome obstacles
and changing his strategy as needed, the plot will unfold because of him
and his actions, and not because something is happening to him.



This is the
essential purpose of a protagonist, is it not? He should be an intrinsic part
of the story, not someone standing passively on the sidelines as it breezes by
him. I read many books where this basic purpose is lost. The protagonist is
passive, boring, static; not part of the plot. It seems obvious that this is
not a compelling way to write, but it’s an easy mistake. Why? Because as
writers, we observe life in order to capture every detail in our work. We get
away with it in books most often because we’re writing the story from a point
just outside the protagonist. We’re describing for the reader what he’s doing,
seeing, and thinking, but we forget sometimes that the action is what makes the
story compelling. I read somewhere that novelist F. Scott Fitzgerald once said,
“Action is character” and he’s exactly right.



The
protagonist must be actively involved in the plot. If he’s merely observing,
then what’s the point? You might as well knit a sweater. It serves as much
purpose for the reader as reading his story. If there’s no investment for the
character, there’s no investment for the reader. The protagonist must have a
personal stake in the outcome of the story. I’ve read many books where the
protagonist is involved in the plot, yet risks nothing to get to the final
outcome. That’s shitty characterization. It’s lazy. There must be some reason
he’s involved and it must be personal.  



But how the
hell does that work? How do we know our protagonist is active enough?



We have to
make sure he wants whatever he wants desperately. I mean, everybody wants
something, right? But the protagonist must want it more than anyone else
because that is what makes the story move forward. If he didn’t want something
so badly he could taste it, well what’s the point of writing the story at all?
The whole plot is structured around getting your protagonist to the point where
he can achieve his goals. So to create a memorable protagonist, one that
belongs in that story and that story alone, you have to be clear on what he
wants and clear that he’ll do whatever is necessary to get it.



Now, we ask
ourselves why he wants what he wants. This is often described as his inner goal
and many writers forget that why is as important as what and how. What’s his motivation
for wanting to achieve his goal? This is the internal thing our protagonist may
not be able to define necessarily, but it is implied in the protagonist’s quest
to achieve it.



When we
figure out his purpose, we should think about what is standing in his way.



The key to
creating a compelling story is conflict. If the protagonists goals are easy to
achieve your story is boring because there’s no purpose, no challenge. The
reader must see him work to get what he wants, and the harder he works, the
more your reader is engaged. I think this is often why I find antagonists so
much more appealing than many protagonists: they know what they want, they know
what stands in their way and by God they’re going to stomp the shit out of it
to succeed. Your protagonist’s goal should require some serious effort to achieve;
otherwise your antagonist should be your protagonist.


But this
doesn’t mean the goal has to be a ridiculous or unbelievably hard. It just
can’t be easy. I mean, if it’s easy, and he’s having a hard time getting to it,
the reader walks away thinking he’s a useless tit, and we don’t want that. Or
perhaps you do, but usually that doesn’t work. When the protagonist knows his
goal and the thing (or things) that stands in his way is not easy to overcome,
then the question of what he’s going to do about it becomes that much more
interesting.






And don’t
forget that the reader wants to put herself in the protagonist’s shoes, so give
her someone she might like to be for a short time, or someone she can imagine
being. Someone like her, but completely different.



You don’t
have to follow any of these “guidelines” of course, because nothing in fiction
is really set in stone, especially character. This is just my personal
observations of what build a memorable protagonist. I think keeping these
things in mind as you craft your protagonist and your story helps you avoid tedious
lines of emotional narrative or prose that goes absolutely nowhere. If the protagonist
does not have these basic things going for him, your reader has no reason to
give a shit what he does. A brilliant protagonist gives the reader a reason to
invest in the story you want to tell.



And I
should add that you’ll want to make sure you’ve selected the right character
for the role. There’s a simple way to decide this: Put another character into
the protagonist’s role. If it works with minimal tweaking, you’ve got the wrong
character. The protagonist you choose should be the only one that can play the
starring role in the tale you’re telling.

Creating Character: Villains

 



Every story
has a bad guy. And oh how I love my bad guys. I think I enjoy crafting a
villain far more than any other character in the story. They’re what add
conflict and tension in the story, and they can be so many levels of bad. Hell,
they can even be sort of good. The villain or antagonist stirs the pot and
muddies the waters. Without them, you’d have a very yawn-worthy tale where
nothing really happens.



I think the
reason I enjoy writing the villain is that it’s probably the hardest character
to craft believably. There’s far more to the process than simply creating a
character that does bad things to add a bump in the road for your protagonist.
The villain or antagonist (and these are not always the same thing) should be
more than just the opposite of the protagonist.



You have to
craft a villain so that he is credible, logical, and believable, but not necessarily
likeable. The reader should understand what the villain is doing and why, and
accept that it is a negative thing for your protagonist and his goals. Your
readers also need to understand why he believes his actions are justified and
rational. Don’t just make him batshit bad, make it believable. Give him three dimensions.




Sadly, it’s
getting hard to find a book where the villain is more than a shallow,
narrow-minded asshat whose only ambition in life is to be as evil as possible. This
loses the reader for a couple of reasons. First, you lose any emotional impact
your story might have had if your readers can not completely believe the threat
to your protagonist or his goal is real, or threatening enough. Second, a
completely evil character is also completely weak. If your villain's only
motivation is evil, he’s got no depth, and without depth, he’s not real to the
reader. Giving your bad guy only one motivator, particularly one as cliché as
evil or greed, is simply not good enough.



You have to
craft the villain as carefully as you crafted your protagonist. You took the
time to climb inside the protagonist’s head, and to craft a memorable tale for
him, you have to do the same for your villain. Find out what makes him tick.



Your
protagonist needs a worthy opponent so that the reader is just a little worried that perhaps the ending might not be happy after all. In order to be considered a worthy opponent, you must
portray your villain honestly. What drives him to act the way he does? No one
sees themselves as mean, crazy or stupid, so your villain won’t see himself
that way either. To him, every disgusting thing he does is logical and
justifiable, and the reader must agree that his point of view makes sense, even
if it’s wrong. If the villain is logical, the suspense is intensified. If your
villain is capable of winning, the outcome is uncertain, and your reader is
more likely to become engaged.


To put it
more simply, your villain has to be so good at being the bad guy that the
protagonist has to be better in order to beat him. Think Hannibal Lector. Most
brilliant villain I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading.






A little
trick I do to ensure the villain I’ve crafted is logical and believable is to
write a scene or two in his POV. These scenes don’t have to be part of the
book, they’re just a test. If you can write the scene from his POV with just as
much impact and believability as when it’s in the protagonist’s POV, then
you’ve created a memorable and believable villain.



Another
test might be to describe the antagonist or villain from the hero’s POV. You should
be able to show him as logical and real, but also as complex, devious and
misguided. This also helps strengthen the protagonist’s character because it
gives insight into where he might fail or succeed in his battle with the force
that works against him.


Some
say the villain should not be likable, but I disagree. Eric Northman, anyone? Jaime
or Tyrion Lannister? They’re pretty damn likable, and more than a little
naughty. I think a truly memorable villain is one that gets under the reader’s
skin. What better way to do that than to give him a trait that the reader
relates to? Make the reader like him, but not quite as much as she likes the
protagonist. It’s a challenge to accomplish this, but the result is awe-inspiring.
An easy way to do this is to give him a trait the reader might recognize in
herself. Maybe he’s funny or maybe he’s ridiculously serious. Perhaps he shares
a common view or fear. Something simple, yet so universal that the reader can’t
help feeling a little tug toward his point of view. Occasionally I take one of
the protagonist’s traits that I feel is kind of annoying, and have the villain
mock it.






The writer
has to walk a thin and frayed rope to create a villain that is relatable, yet
unlikable, and it’s easy to fall off, but walking it anyway ensures you don’t
go to the stereotype "bad" guys who have no redeeming qualities. Not
one of your characters should be one-dimensional because this lowers the
emotional impact, and it lowers the reader's esteem for the protagonist.



Remember,
the stronger the antagonist, the stronger the protagonist. If you have an
antagonist that is intelligent, complex and damn good at what he does, then to
achieve his goals, your protagonist must be better. With a strong, believable
villain, you increase the value of every character. This means you can tell a
more intense and complex tale. And who doesn't like intense and complex?

We’re So Sensitive: Topics That People Don’t Like You to Discuss Online

Profanity
doesn’t really rile people up anymore. I mean, sure on Twitter we have our
moral police doing their regular rounds, scolding grown folks and whatnot for
dropping f-bombs, but most of the time, we all accept that they’re just words for
the most part. I think that’s fantastic. By the way, the more you protest over
the usage of a word, the more power you give it and its user. Just saying.



However, it’s
like we took one reason to be offended and replaced it with something else. I
truly believe that the vast majority of people frequenting social media sites
actually do so HOPING they’ll be offended. There’s nothing better than climbing
on one’s moral high horse and tearing some deadbeat a new one, is there?



While
profanity won’t raise too many eyebrows, there are topics are implicitly taboo no
matter where you park your virtual ass. If you happen to introduce these topics
into a comment stream, blog post, article, or general online forum, you’re
gonna start yourself a shit-storm. Some people do this intentionally, and they’re
usually fucktards. Other times, it’s an honest and innocent statement that just
snowballs because there are other fucktards who just can’t wait to gnaw off a
piece of some unsuspecting victim. Well, me being who I am, I’m going to
introduce a whole offensive topic salad today.


Which
topics? They tend to be issues that have little or no middle ground. You can’t
remain neutral while discussing them because the topic doesn’t offer that
option, or the folks on either side don’t offer that option. That’s why they
send panties screaming up the asses of all involved. They’re topics where you’ve
gotta choose a side. If you refuse, you’re simply blasted by both sides for
being a pussy. It’s one of those “no win” situations.






All of
these topics have been floating about forever. In polite conversation, we avoid
them like the plague, but online discussions aren’t usually polite so we just
go ahead and toss this shit out there. What are these topics you “cannot”
discuss on the Internet? Get ready:


1. Sexuality



This cannot
be discussed in a calm and rational manner apparently. For example, for some
people, homosexuality is acceptable, but for far too many others being a
homosexual is like lighting a baby on fire and then eating its charred remains.
Discussing your sexual preference in mixed company (or more often someone else’s
preference) lights a fire under almost everyone’s ass. We hear all kinds of arguments
for and against any and all sexual orientations. It’s genetic. It’s a choice. It’s
an illness. You can be cured. You can’t be cured. No matter what your personal
position in all of it, it is extremely rare for there to be any middle ground.
If you’re a live and let live kind of person who claims to have no real opinion
either way, you’re usually perceived as “accepting” and thus attacked
accordingly by those defending the helpless babies from the flames. I think
what makes sexuality an explosive topic is that the idea of same-sex
relationships and bisexuality is so much more mainstream now than it used to
be. While for most intelligent folks, that’s a really good thing, to many, many
others the increase in supporters of such things is a sign the apocalypse is
surely coming and we’re all going to Hell. If you don’t want to get burned online,
do not bring up or answer questions about sexuality. No matter what you say,
you’re going to be considered an asshole by someone. Me? I think you all gotta do
who you gotta do. It’s not my vagina you’re doing it with, so it’s not my
business. Carry on.






2. Jesus Christ/God
Whether or
not he really is the son of God isn’t the point here. I think the point is that
this guy is possibly the most discussed man in all of history. And the mere
mention of his name seems to divide folks quite decisively. Some say he was a
good man and a wise man but nothing else. Others argue he was God in the flesh.
Some suggest he never existed. Others wonder if perhaps he is the original vampire
that started all vampires. Okay, so those discussions are possibly
drug-induced. The thing I like about Jesus is that no matter what your opinion
on him and his existence, no one seems to be able to discuss said opinion in a
rational manner. All discussion devolves into name calling and nastiness once
Jesus joins the party. You add his old man into the mix, and you get a two-for.
Jesus or God = Shit-storm. Every goddamn time.






Race
No, we can’t
all just get along. Why? Because while things are better than they were years
ago, people are still fiercely defensive about their race. It’s probably because
race is such an integral part of our self-identity, and because the world is
full of idiots who can’t just view humans as humans. Trying to talk about race
or racism reasonably is nearly impossible online because with the mask of anonymity
comes asshattery. The logical, calm voices are usually drowned out no matter
what discussion you enter into. Sadly, even today, in this time when knowledge
is so easily obtained, we have those ignorant fucktards who believe one race can
be superior to another. You can’t explain to these guys that when you examine
the issue organically, race is a mythical concept. We have ethnicities, but
race is an artificial concept based almost entirely on the color of one’s skin,
which is really just the amount of melanin in a person’s skin, and on the size
and arrangement of the bones and musculature. No one is a single “pure” race of
any kind. Of course, you can argue with me on that, and I respect your views,
but knowing what we know about ancestry and such, we have to admit, the odds of
anyone being a truly pure race are pretty slim. The problem is, when we start
discussing this (as I am), discussion disintegrates into cries of
discrimination and hatred from all sides and we know how it ends. The
discussion is essentially over at this point.






Abortion
Pro-Choice.
Pro-Life. Anti-choice. Baby. Fetus. Apples. Oranges. Jesus shit guys, whatever
happened to “personal?” A civil discussion of abortion is hard enough in
person, but online, it’s positively unheard of. That protective barrier we have
between us and the other people make us bolder, more willing to sling shit at
the other side. The reasons are obvious I think. Abortion is a topic that is
naturally polarizing because it pits men against women, religion against religion,
life against death, and freedom against oppression, victims against abusers.
The most divisive part of it is that we tend to try to apply a black and white way
of thinking to a subject that has way too many gray areas to fit comfortably in
the pigeonholes we make for it. There is no right answer for you or me, unless
we have to make the decision. Even then, right or wrong is so hard to define. I
won’t get into my thoughts on the government’s involvement in this, because I
really don’t want to debate this issue. Why? Rational people go from zero to
batshit in less than a second, myself included, when we combine abortion and
politics. It’s like banging a couple of bombs together. I think if you want to
avoid shit-storms, abortion is a topic you should leave alone at all costs.
Keep it the personal choice it should be. Yeah, I know I’m just asking for it.
*takes cover*






Gun Control
I live in
redneck country, and let me tell you, mentioning gun control is like…firing off
a gun in the middle of church. There’s a lot of politics involved in gun
control, but there’s also a lot of fear and passion. All three make a
shit-storm stew of epic proportions. Even those who live in countries with very
strict gun control or no gun control weigh in on these discussions. This is
because it often boils down to one thing: civil rights. Do we have the RIGHT to
own a gun? Sure we do. Do we have the RIGHT to use it? That’s where it gets all
mucky and angry. I know you all think I enjoy a good argument, and sometimes I
do, but even I avoid this topic in my real life. Folks bring it up all the time
and I simply change the subject or bow out of the discussion because you cannot
have an intelligent and rational exchange of ideas. It might start that way,
but it spirals down into a nasty circle of meaningless jabs and insults. And if
someone owns a gun…bad things.






Politics
Ah,
politics. I truly have no opinion on this topic, and folks still want to climb
inside my ass and rip shit apart. Why? How could I possibly not have an
opinion? That’s why. Of all the topics I’ve mentioned, I think no matter where
you live, or what political party you support, politics inspire the most rage. I’ve
seen people get physically ill when their candidate loses an election. Just
look at the recent American hoopla. The Republicans and the Democrats have
literally polarized a country. Now, the US isn’t the only country to be so
politically divided. Folks start wars over this shit. The saddest part of this
polarization is the deadlock it creates in governments and getting shit done. Politicians
are crafty fuckers, and they pull out all the stops to add steam to their camp.
While these other issues are ones I can be pushed to discuss, I purposely and
very intensely try to NEVER discuss politics. No, I’m not discussing it here. I’m
just pointing out how we probably should just not discuss it at all.






Origins of Man
I wouldn’t have
believed this if I hadn’t witnessed it this past week. The discussions over
evolutionary theories and the origins of man are downright nasty sometimes.
Perfectly logical folks, sci-fi writers in fact, essentially lose their shit
and start calling each other names and behaving in a very non-intelligent
manner, for daring to entertain an idea that is anything other than the popular
one. Curious, I looked around the Internet and found no matter where you go, no
matter the educational background, social group, or culture folks come from,
this topic makes them all spitting mad. Where did we come from? Was it
evolution or creation? Big bang or cosmic fart? The books written on this topic
could fill a library or two. Each side has butt-loads of facts, support, and data
to support their position. The bottom line, and the reason it’s such a touchy
issue, is that nobody knows the real answer. It’s all theory. All of it. Mix in
religion versus science, because it does play a significant role in the side
you choose, and you’ve got shit-storm soup with a side of blind rage pie. The
worst part is, again, there’s no middle ground. If you try to work out a
position that agrees with all sides, they’ll rip you to shreds buddy. No joke. However,
I do enjoy bringing this one up simply because the topic fascinates me. I’ll
discuss it even if I get a new asshole or two. Hey, you can never have too many
of those.






Religion
More people
have died in the name of their god than any other possible reason combined.
Whether you’re Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Atheist, Jewish, Scientologist, or
whatever, bringing up religion is going to set some fires. The reason is really
very plain. No matter what you believe, whether you have a religion or not, spirituality
is the most intensely personal part of anyone’s being. This includes those who
reject religion and spirituality altogether. It’s a very subjective thing too.
You could have 100 people in a room, and all of these folks would have a set of
beliefs unique to them, and not one of them would be technically right or
wrong. This ambiguity opens the floor to a lot of shit piling. To make matters
worse, some religions have as an integral part of their “structure” a command
to proselytize. Those that don’t just seem to feel the need to “spread the
word.” Then your intensely personal beliefs start colliding with someone else’s
and there you have it: shit-storm. I’m telling you, folks come knocking on my
door preaching “The Good Word” and I get all kinds of mean, and I believe they
have a right to their beliefs. I just don’t want them trying to convince me
mine are wrong. However, they’ve got the right to free speech. But on the other
hand, I’ve got the right to sit in my home and not have strangers ring the
doorbell with their pamphlets and whatnot. But how else will they spread the “Word?”
I don’t care. And here is why this topic is so very delicate.






Parenting
Want to
piss someone off beyond all reasonable proportions? Bring up parenting, or more
specifically, discipline. Oh. My. Shit. You cannot even imagine the online
brew-ha-ha I’ve seen when someone brings up parenting. I’ve even gotten caught
up in it a time or two. The thing is, nothing is more precious to a “good” parent
than their children, and nothing will set you off faster than someone implying
you’re doing anything other than your best. Why? Because we all secretly fear
we’re fucking it all up. Someone saying that we are is like, tossing a guilt grenade
in our laps. Sure we can discuss parenting tips and whatnot, but the minute
someone tosses a don’t, never, or should not in there, or anything that sounds
the least bit critical, you got yourself a war.






These are
the topics I find have gotten me or someone I know into the most shit online,
but I imagine there are many more. Perhaps instead of discussing the merits of
an opinion or why we take a certain side in these topics, we should discuss our
inability to discuss these topics without starting a war. What do you think? Why can’t
we respect an opposing view? Why is someone being “wrong” in our point of view a reason to tear them
a new asshole? Will these ever be safe subjects to discuss online?