Wednesday Martin's Blog, page 4

A Different Affair for Women

In recent years, there has been a growing awareness that one of the most powerful constraints on female ambition and autonomy is disproportionate and unequal punishment for behaviors men routinely get a pass for. This bias can be clearly seen in continuing gendered double standards around cheating. Take the recent example of Tatiana Akhmedova: she is the ex-wife of Azerbaijani-Russian oligarch Farkhad Akhmedov, who refuses to finalize their divorce and pay out a court-ordered settlement because of his wife’s alleged infidelity. This despite the fact that there is strong reason to believe that Mr. Akhmedov himself stepped out of the marriage and sired a child with a paramour. Or we can look to the case of former Nashville Mayor Megan Barry (pictured above), who was abruptly forced to plead guilty to felony theft and resign in March due to an affair with her bodyguard. This contrasts sharply with the treatment of her male peers who have been untrue, like Mark Sanford, who had a cross-continental affair while Governor of South Carolina and lied about it, but was able to serve out his full term and then be elected as a congressman for that state two years later. These dynamics could also be seen at play in the 2016 Presidential Election, where Donald Trump’s serial philandering was brushed away with boys-will-be-boys logic while Hillary Clinton was castigated for her husband’s indiscretions. These disparities of treatment for infidelity along gendered lines show we still have a long way to go towards true equality; our current state of affairs looks little different from the days of Hawthorne’s scarlet A. If we want to move forward, a good first step would be learning to defy these truly outdated social scripts around those who cheat.

The Future of Female Webinar with Dr. Tammy Nelson

I will be speaking with Dr. Tammy Nelson, author of The New Monogamy, on her webinar The Future of Marriage about The Future of Female. Tune in on Wednesday, May 2nd at 12pm! Register online NOW and explore with us the topics of women, sex, monogamy, female libido, lust, infidelity, gender equality and more!

UNTRUE Book Cover Reveal

YAY!!!! I’m very excited to reveal the cover of UNTRUE, my upcoming book about female sexuality!! Check out Bustle website for a write up.

UNTRUE will be released on September 18th so get ready...

Wednesday's Woman Crush

Today’s MASSIVE crush on two fearless leaders—Okoye and Rachel Simmons. Have you seen Black Panther? It has broken the box office and inspired people across the US. I haven’t seen my friends this excited—about a movie that is more like a cultural event, and what feels like both the proof of and the possibility of even more meaningful social change--in a long time. Maybe ever. Okoye is inspiring girls and boys alike with her strength, smarts, and proud blackness. What does it mean when women lead unambivalently, without fear of stepping on male egos, without fear of reprisal from the greater male coalition? Okoye does just this. Can the rest of us get there? Rachel Simmons wants to know. The author of trailblazing Odd Girl Out has written another sure-to-be-a-classic for feminists, parents, and everybody else—Enough as She Is. Rachel’s message is that we have to let girls learn to fail and learn to forgive themselves for it if we want them to thrive and to lead. Buy it here—and I’ll see you at Black Panther.

Valentine's Day

The Men's Club

Ch-ch-changes?

 

Last weekend marked the one year anniversary of millions of women world-wide taking to the streets to protest various rollbacks of women’s rights and backlashes against female autonomy as strongmen—Trump, Putin, XiJing Ping, Erdogan, Duterte to name a few—piss all over progress.

 

For the first time in its history, Davos—the World Economic Forum’s annual meet up for swinging dicks in politics, business, and finance—is being co-chaired by seven women and no men. This is a refreshing change, as rates of female participation at Davos recently hovered well below twenty percent. 

 

#OscarSoWhite has moved things—more women and people of color nominated for Oscars this year. Movie making is in a bad way—perhaps the powers that be in Hollywood are getting the message that it’s not only right but profitable to have new storytellers and stories, ones that reflect who actually lives in America and goes to movies? Also the Weinstein business has scared them (Don’t get me started about women directors in Hollywood, though—Dorothy Arzner has been rolling over in her grave for years  at how long that’s taking. Brava, Greta Gerwig and Rachel Morrison.)

 

And yet. Oscar news comes on the same day that a story broke in the Financial Times about a men’s only party in London, The President’s Club Dinner Charity. There, 360 men from business, finance, politics, and entertainment (oh yeah, the British entertainment industry, I think I haven’t heard of it) gathered to bid on auction items that sealed their status as men who believe they are Alphas and will buy alpha status if they don’t have it (by bidding on lunch with British foreign secretary Boris Johnson for example). 130 hostesses—many of them students—worked in skimpy outfits (they had been directed to wear underwear that matched their mini-skirts). Like the auction items, they were up for grabs. The auction raised millions for charity, so don’t be a bitch and complain about auction items like plastic surgery for one’s wife (“spice up your wife” the item copy read) and lap dances at the equivalent of Scores.

 

These are men who run one corner of the world, and this is how they show it. They’ll be damned if you’re going to change it with your #TimesUp nonsense, little ladies.  Lest you forget, the world is still run by men and places like the antediluvian Racquet and Tennis Club with it’s no women allowed rule, still exist (women ARE allowed to attend the club’s social events.) And more and more places will be going their way if the backlash has its way. The worldwide ethnographic data are clear: where there is sex segregation and men control access to resources and cultural capital, the status of women is lower than in places where sex segregation is not tolerated or practiced. Welcome to civilization, ladies.

Hypocrisy and Hierarchy in #MeToo Movement

Women who have an issue with #metoo — notice that among other things it’s a generational and political (progressive/conservative) divide. And much of it, when you read closely, is a version of “WE put up with it & we are ok so stop being crybabies/victims.“

There has been a cultural shift. Consider that women younger than you are not stupid, “too PC” or dead set on seeing themselves as “victims” as so many 2nd/3rd-wave feminist critics of #metoo assert. Let’s stop accusing these (often younger than us) women of false consciousness basically condescending & imposing a dated grid/worldview. Big difference/shift = 70s/80s/90s workplaces that value brawn and reinforce masculine physical strength as privilege=dying out. Yes, YOU had to tolerate masculinist paradigm with “ass pinching is the price of admission.”

We get it. More fundamental changes follow from workplace shift. 2nd/3rd-wave era feminists need to keep up. The very concepts of gender, the dyad, & agency have shifted as well. Basically way too many feminists in our 40s+ need to stop acting like We Know Better and ask ourselves what anyone gains from allies who started the movement saying, these young women are going TOO FAR! When you go on about “the death of flirtation” or how “crazy and unsexy” consent is, what is your actual concern? Has the culture changed too much for you?

To the 2nd/3rd wave era feminists lately being all, “Our way was better. Toughen up, little girls, you’re being babies/killing romance/witchhunting.” Nope. They aren’t & WE DIDN’T FINISH THE JOB. Stop acting like we did.

What do neoconservatives and some 2nd/3rd wavers have against consent? Is it too comprehensive a cultural shift? And the concern that they are “making us all victims”—do you think YOU weren’t or aren’t systematically held back by practices less overt than assault and baldly illegal discrimination?

In the end, wondering: how much of this is established women doing the work of status quo, framing harassment and more subtle forms of misogyny as price of admission to “real world.” “I endured awful initiation into womanhood, so will you.” Yes, we CAN expect men to ASK. And LISTEN. And read non/verbal cues. Yes, men CAN think and hear when they have erections. Let’s listen to young women and learn to expect and feel entitled to more. They aren’t making us all victims and Victorians. They’re moving the culture.

See the Twitter thread

Wednesday Woman Crush: Issa Rae

Issa Rae. If you haven't watched her show Insecure, you are in for a treat. As in, something irresistible. In the #metoo moment, at a cultural crossroads where Roy Moore almost won and zero women directors were nominated for a Golden Globe, Rae and her show are a blast of what we need now. 

Rae's been at it since she was a college student at Stanford, where she created the breakout web series Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl. Insecure mines some of the same terrain as Awkward Black Girl--its protagonist, Issa, is a twenty something Black woman trying to figure it out in L.A. Rae has the honesty and verve to allow her protagonist to have a healthy sense of sexual curiosity and entitlement. After reconnecting with an old crush on Facebook, she "cheats" on her live-in boyfriend. 

Social media exploded, with the twitterverse dividing itself into #teamlawrence and #teamissa. There was no shortage of judgment and slut shaming. The series creator did not back down, saying in an interview with Larry Wilmore on iHeartRadio "This wasn't about Lawrence--this was something Issa the character wanted to do." Rae talked about George Clooney putting off marriage as long as possible and having lots of girlfriends and noted, "Nobody's calling him a ho!"

Rae is running her own show, literally and figuratively, and is unapologetic about creating a complex Black female character with flaws, intelligence, a sense of humor, and sexual agency. I love that Rae was nominated for a Golden Globe in the Best Actress in a Comedy category. You can see new episodes starting in August, I'm told. Meanwhile, binge the first two seasons if you haven't and tell me what you think.

How Embracing Female Sexuality Can Help Heal Hollywood Post-Weinstein

#metoo is paving the way for gender equality in ecologies like Hollywood, finance, science, and politics. I look forward to the day when female sexuality re-enters the equation. And women are not attacked for saying, "It's not just wrong to harass me because I don't want it and because you have power and I don't. Harassment is wrong because you are not recognizing that I am sexual in my own right, rather than just some extension of your desires." We need a world where we acknowledge that women, not just men, have a fundamental right to be sexual. Without being stigmatized or punished for it.

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From Horridays to Holidays — Tips for Step"families"

It's holiday time. And when we think holidays, we think family. Of course today, "family" is increasingly likely to refer to stepfamilies, the fastest growing domestic arrangement in the US and Great Britain.

It helps, at holiday time, to remember what everyone else seems so unaware of....step"families" are not first families. Using a first family map for stepfamily life, one expert told me, is like using a map of Boston to get around New York — you'll get turned around and lost!

Here are just a few reasons you should not expect your step"family" to act, feel or be "just like a 'real' family" this holidays season:

Stepfamilies span two and even more households and transitions between the households are potentially upsetting for kids and grown ups alike
There is a deceased or ex spouse in the picture which can lead to loyalty binds for kids of any age, and subsequent acting out
First families bond as a group, so all-together activities are great for them, while stepfamilies bond dyadically, or one-on-one. Big all-together activities on the other hand can activate stepfamily members' anxiety about who is an insider and who is an outsider
In stepfamilies, the age gap between stepsiblings or half siblings can be very great, almost a generation's difference
With steps, unrelated people often live in the same household, or are expected to conduct themselves and feel "just like family." Relationships grow and change and deepen over time, but a first family standard is unrealistic!

None of these facts make step"families" second best! They just make them different. Steps often outpace first families on key measures of success such as flexible and respectful behaviors and independence. Given the differences, here are some tips to help you enjoy your holidays with your husband or partner and stepkids — whatever your "family" system looks, feels and acts like.....

Lose the "blended family" expectation. In fact, if it helps, drop the "family" expectation. Unrealistic and inaccurate, and sets you up for feelings of failure. Instead, enjoy the gathering for what it is and accept that the relationships are what they are. Maybe you feel very close to his kids, but maybe you have more of a polite friendship. Even if his kids are stand-offish, with your partnership strong, a whole range of possible relationship with his kids are fine.
Don't try to make a "blended" holiday. I love the story about the steps with two different Xmas trees under the same roof. No one was forcing these kids — whose ages spanned babyhood to early twenties — to blend like egg nog. They got to share one another's family traditions, teach each other about each other's family histories, and be together in a non-threatening way.
Allow steps to bond their way. Rather than forcing big gatherings of everyone, take one on one time. Your husband or partner can spend some time alone with his son while you and his daughter play cards or run an errand. Your daughter and his daughter can cook or bake together while you and your partner go for a walk. And so on.
Do shoulder-to-shoulder activities, not eye-to-eye ones. Puzzles, stringing popcorn, even setting the table together can bond steps in small, non-threatening ways, forging a connection naturally in a way that an eye-to-eye conversation never could. It's easier...try it!
Get everyone to help out. So many women with stepkids tell me that at holiday time, they feel like maids, hosting and cooking and getting no thanks. Stop creating the opportunity to feel like a maid. Take away the chance that you'll feel resentful! Your husband can cook for or with his own kids. You can order in. Adult stepkids can bring food for a potluck and help with cleanup. Little kids can set the table, make place cards, etc. In this way you are less depleted and your step kids feel like family, not "special guests" in your home.
Bulwark. Stepparents especially often report feeling like "outsiders" at holiday time. For the holiday gathering with his kids, surround yourself with YOUR supportive friends and family as well. If you know your best girlfriend will be at the holiday dinner, you will look forward to it. And your stepkids will likely enjoy some extra guests around — it makes things livelier and more interesting, and takes the pressure off steps to be 'relating' every second. Plus there's a better chance, with your friends and family around, that everyone will behave! And did I mention that you will feel supported rather than on the outside?
Take time for yourself and your marriage or partnership. Meditate, go for a walk, get a manicure. Anything that feels indulgent and pampering and reviving will help you ward off stepfamily tsuris and stress. And even if you and your husband just get out to run an errand together, it's together time you deserve and need, and will help you both deal with step situations and step complications (let's face it, they're normal!) better.