Josh Hilden's Blog, page 13

Bad Movies I Love #3: “Godzilla 1998”

I was working as a fulltime second shift maintenance man at the Dayton mall when the movie was announced. I watched the massive marketing push and the ubiquitous Godzilla advertising that plastered the regional cathedral to consumerism. There was a Taco Bell anchoring one corner of the food court, and I can’t even begin to tell how sick and tired I got of that fucking Chihuahua dog and his “Here lizard, lizard, lizard” bullshit.

But wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s start at the beginning.

I love Kaiju movies a film genre that feature monsters, usually attacking a major Japanese city or engaging other monsters in battle. The classics of the genre, at least here in the United States are Godzilla, Gamera, and at least to my way of thinking King Kong. I remember being a kid back if Detroit Metro and watching the movies on the weekend mornings and late at night. There was something magical about it for seven-year-old Josh when he watched a giant Lizard or Ape destroy a model city of screaming people. My favorite of the best known is King Kong vs. Godzilla. I am torn every time I watch the movie, who do I want to win, the King of the Monsters or the biggest Ape in the jungle?

Good times.

So like I was saying the advertising and buildup for the first American version of Godzilla kind of overwhelmed me, and not in a good way. I attempted to maintain objectivity until the first glimpses of the monster were released, and we all realized old Godzilla had been raped by the success of Jurassic Park. And before JP defenders start in on me I LOVE Jurassic Park, and the T-Rex is one of favorite movie monsters, I mean for fucks sake have you experienced Jurassic World? But this was billed as Godzilla and he better gods damned resemble Godzilla!!!

Moving on, I never saw the movie in the theaters and after the first reviews on the nascent internet were released I patted myself on the back for dodging a bullet that would’ve, to use an overused and really dumb term, raped my childhood. I was rather proud of myself for not giving in to nostalgia and instead listening to my head.

Fast forward two years.

I was a stay at home dad, ups late with a sick kid, and there was nothing good on TV. This was before streaming you whipper snappers so don’t start telling me everything good on Netflix. Anyway, I was going through the pay channels just as they announced Godzilla was starting, I hesitated give me that much credit, and then I settled in to experience what I was sure would be one of the worst and most disappointing movies of my life, Ang Lee’s Hulk was still four years away.

Here’s the movie in a nutshell.

The French create Godzilla, I mean T-Rex Light, via nuclear testing in the Pacific. The US Military brings in Middle-Aged Ferris Beuller to track the unidentified monster by going from sighting to sighting and tracking the wreckage and chaos. Somehow the giant monster evades the resources of the most powerful nation in the history of the world making it from the South Pacific to New York City with nobody seeing him and living except one old Japanese fisherman. Meanwhile, the French government send Leon the Professional without Queen Amadalia but with a team of coffee snob French special forces troops to hunt and kill the beast. There’s a contrived love story for Ferris and a bunch of wacky characters I wish T-Rex Light had eaten. There’s a sustained battle between the US Military T-Rex Light, which is really fucking badass and I’m pretty sure the makers of Cloverfield watched a thousand times. Ferris and Leon fight Velociraptors I mean baby Godzilla’s in Madison Square Garden. And the Military kills Godzilla with missiles, something that would NEVER happen to the real Godzilla! Either he dies fighting another monster or he owns the field of combat. Also, there’s the obligatory setup for a sequel that never happened with the hatching of a loan surviving egg beneath Madison Square Garden.

That movie was amazeballs!

Don’t get me wrong, it sucked, it sucked hardcore, but it’s so much fun. And not regular fun either stupid bang bang fun. I honestly think if they’d called this movie Zilla and ditched a connection to Godzilla it would’ve been a massive hit. In fact in one of later Japanese Toho movies they call the monster Zilla and use it as one of the real Godzilla’s enemies, genius!

I recommend the hell out of Godzilla 1998, when it’s not trying to shove a contrived emotional human story down your throat, it’s rip-roaring fun.

Next time we tackle something timely, and you find out why Messa feels bad for Jake Lloyd.





– Josh

Rubicon

This has been a long time coming,

I’m tired. I mean I’m really fucking tired. What am I tired of? I’m tired of trying not to offend. I know right now you’re thinking some version of “Josh when have you ever tried not to offend?” That’s a fair question and, believe it or not, the answer is all the time. When I post my opinions and views into the public sphere of consumption I tend to self-edit because there are friends I love like family who have very different, sometimes polar opposite, views than I do. That was all fine and good when things seemed more or less fluid.

That, unfortunately, has changed.

I bet a lot of you know this quote, hell I’m sure most of you do, but I’m putting it in here anyway.



“First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—

Because I was not a Socialist.



Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—

Because I was not a Trade Unionist.



Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—

Because I was not a Jew.



Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.”



– Martin Niemöller (1892–1984)



Martin Niemöller spent seven years in a Nazi concentration camp because he dared to speak out publicly against Adolph Hitler. He is just one of a plethora of men and women brave enough to speak out and declare their views regardless of the consequences. Also, I have to admit he’s been a personal hero of mine since I became interested in World War 2 when I was nine.

Why am I saying all this?

The answer is simple—Donald Trump. I with all sincerity see too many parallels to the rise of Adolph Hitler and the Nazi party in Germany with Donald Trump, the Tea Party, and the fundamental fractures in this country since 2001. To put it bluntly, as a father of six I’m too terrified of what could happen if I were not to speak out.

Yes, I know a bunch of you just got your hackles up. You think I’m Godwinning this, I am so get over it, or you think I’m a paranoid conspiracy theorist. I like to think I’m not too paranoid—a little paranoia is a good thing, but conspiracies are real and documented. I’m not on the level of the real whackos, *Cough* Alex Jones *Cough* but I do believe there are shadowy behind the scenes shenanigans, and frankly it boggles my mind that people don’t see them.

As a corollary to my genuine concern about Donald Trump, it seems to most of the liberals who have the steel to speak up (MOST NOT ALL) are crazy as fuck. Okay maybe not that bad, but the left seems to be dominated by new atheists (I’m an atheist), rabid social justice warriors (I believe in the benefits of social justice), and politically correct obsessed privileged kids (I have little use for the PC community).

So now that I’ve pushed away the far right and the far left I want to address my friends who might be reading this. You are going to disagree with a lot of what I’m going to be saying, a lot of things you don’t agree with, sometimes vehemently, and you might wonder if that means I have secretly been mocking you or hating on you. I need to put this out there right now and cut those thoughts off before they can plant roots and grow vile branches of dislike.

My friends are my friends regardless if we agree or disagree.

I really hope that’s clear, but let me make it very crystal. I’m an atheist, but I have no hate for religious people who don’t use their faith to justify hate. I am pro second amendment, but I’m a moderate who advocates common sense gun control laws at the federal level. I am pro-immigration, but not without common sense screening. I’m a feminist, but I have no use for man haters, and the same goes for men’s rights activists. I believe in freedom of speech, but not the right to knowingly lie and pass it off as truth. I believe in complete government transparency. I believe our taxes should pay for education, medical treatment, and retirement one hundred percent. I’m an atheist, socialist, feminist who believes in equal protections and rights for all.

I’m sure there’s more and I know there are qualifications and exceptions that prove the rules, but this’ll do for a start. I’m sure I lost a few of you with just this essay, but I hope enough of you will stick with me. If not, no harm no foul.





– Josh







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Our House, In the Middle of the Street

After the age of eight years old, I never had a home of my own. My parents separated when I was seven and when I was eight my maternal biological grandfather, who owned the house we’d lived in since I was six months old, kicked us out. Yeah, you read that right, my grandfather gave his newly single daughter and her three and seven-year-old sons respectively the collective boot.

After that, we moved in with my pseudo-stepfather for two years. I say pseudo because even though they never married, and in later years I came to seriously loathe the man because of how he treated my baby brother, I still consider him my stepfather. When my mother split with him we lived with my maternal great grandparents for a few months. Then we had a trailer for eight months or so. After that, we moved in with my maternal grandparents where I stayed until just before my fourteenth birthday when I left all of the chaos and moved in with my father and stepmother.

Fast forward four years.

Due to circumstances I’ve long grown tired of discussing, I left my father’s home after graduation and moved back in with my maternal grandparents for a year while I work and saved money. A year later, two of my friends and I got an apartment together and boy wasn’t that a mistake. One of my roommates was pretty cool and easy to live with, but the other… yeah, that was a clusterfuck of rage monkey proportions.

Then I met my wife. We moved in together, got married, and rented a slightly rundown, but very cozy house. We got a cat and had two more kids to add to the three she already had. Life was pretty damn good. Who am I kidding? Other than being very poor, life was pretty great all things considered.

Then we bought a house.

Let me state right up front I NEVER wanted to buy a house, but I never really stated my lack of desire either. My wife wanted to own a home and I wanted, and still want, her to have everything she wants. So through the efforts of a VERY shady realtor and lender, we bought a house we had no business buying and could not afford.

That house I affectionately referred to it as the crap shack when we realized we’d been screwed by our stupid nativity and the shenanigans of the seller and realtor. Seriously it was being held together by hobo spit and wallpaper paste. Long story short, between the presence of eight people (We had a sixth child), no money for the exponentially increasing need for repairs, and WAY TOO MANY pet (I’m a recovering pet hoarder. I admit it and I own it. I have no pets and I will never have another pet) the crap shack degenerated into something more fitting post-Soviet Eastern Europe… or Detroit.

For eight years, we did everything we could to keep the payments current and until 2008 we were doing a yeomanlike job of it. Then the economy crashed, our interested rates went up, the county taxes increased, and our house lost half its value overnight. After three more years of trying to empty the ocean with a teaspoon, we let the bank have the house, destroyed our credit, got rid of all of our animals, rented a house, and moved out.

Even though we moved less than ten minutes away, I never went back.

Fast forward to two days ago, four and a half years since I’d laid eyes on the house, and my middle daughter came home from a date. She told me she and her boyfriend (And boy howdy I’m having trouble wrapping my head around that one) went on a tour of her childhood which included driving by the old house. Turns out it’s not there anymore. Apparently it was torn down about four months ago.

I felt like I’d been kicked square in the junk.

My home, the place I raised my kids and lived longer than anywhere else in my life was gone. It’d been erased like it never existed. Yeah I hated the place and I’d never wanted to buy it, but some of the best moments of my life had happened there. Yeah, there’d been some horrible things as well, but after four and a half years I’ve moved past most of them. I’ll never own a home again. Even if we can afford it after our credit is fixed, I don’t want one. I’d rather rent. I’d rather never get attached to a place again.

I was a bad homeowner… but I miss my home.



– Josh









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You Don’t Have To Live Like A Refugee

New Colossus



“Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,

With conquering limbs astride from land to land;

Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand

A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame

Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name

Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand

Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command

The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.

“Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she

With silent lips. “Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”



– Emma Lazarus



My entire family is comprised of immigrants. Big surprise seeing as how unless you were here before the arrival of Christopher Columbus, aka The Butcher of Genoa, so are yours. But more importantly a significant chunk of my family were refugees. Oh, there’s a trace of Cherokee blood in my woodshed along with a drop of African via the deep south. And of course, I’m descended from the man, Lieutenant Maynard, who hunted down Black Beard and sunk the Queen Anne’s Revenge. But that’s the exception in my lineage, not the rule.

On my mother’s side, my family by and large is made up of the English peasants running from the poverty of post-revolution Britain and the Irish who escaped the Potato Famine of the mid-nineteenth century. They left a land where the poor, who my family definitely was, had been reduced to eating grass in an attempt to survive another day. What did they find on the other side of the Atlantic? Hate, fear, racism, and violence.

My father’s side is a little different. Most of them have only been here since post World War 2. Why is that? Because they were refugees escaping the horror, destruction, and poverty of a continent laid low by the worst war in human history. English, Irish, French, and Dutch history live in my paternal woodshed.

They came from different eras and regions, but they all had one thing in common. My forbearers uprooted themselves from lives and lands they loved in the hopes of giving their children a chance at a real life, a life without fear and hunger, a life of freedom and choice in a land that prided itself on those things.

I’m a mutt and I’m gods damned proud of it. Or, to put it another way, I’m an American.

I tell you all this before getting to the next part in order to give you context. If it weren’t for America taking in the poor, displaced, frightened, and desperate, I wouldn’t be here. I’m willing to bet many of you would find yourselves in the same situation if you thought about it.

America was built by people without shared history, culture, or language, and we’ve always been the stronger for it. We’ve historically confronted racism, injustice, bigotry, and fear with the rule of law and an honest attempt to find the path of least harm. We were the country other countries looked to for guidance, not because we had the biggest club, but because Americans could be counted on to help. It was a badge of pride for us to know that when there was a crisis we were the first ones to offer help and we almost always provided the most.

Or at least that was the land I was born into and loved with all of my heart.

In the last few years one of the major situations used as a lightning rod by the demagogues and pundits mostly on the right, it’s my essay and I’ll call it like I see it, has been illegal immigration. Most of this has come from the lands south of the border (Mexico, Central, and South America) just coincidentally from countries ravaged by America’s failed War on Drugs and the pre-1990’s fight against the Red Menace in the Western Hemisphere. In other words, these are refugees from countries ravaged by wars we either started or inflamed.

Are there criminals amongst these refugees? Of course there is and anyone who says there aren’t is either naïve or stupid. But I’ve NEVER seen evidence that the criminals are but the smallest fraction of these people. And there are always criminals amongst refugees, hell there were several members of the Irish Mob among the first members of my family to plant their feet here.

Now we have the situation in the middle east in general and Syria in specific. The region is burning itself to death and with a few exceptions I don’t think much of the current political structure will still be there in ten years. Let’s be really honest America, we let the government destroy these people for the sake of oil and in order to feed the military industrial complex. It’s a fact and it if you’re gonna scream “9-11” and “terrorists” at me then you really have no clue how this world has worked for a very long time now.

I’m not going to go over the bullshit talking points of the hard right because they are mostly lies and they are reprehensible. These are people were talking about, not a bushel of grapes where two or three might be tainted with some mythical poison. Yes, there will likely be a few a terrorists among the needy and scared, but they’d be there anyway—we created them. Britain, Lebanon, Turkey, Germany, and even France, the country ISIS attacked, are pledged to stand against the terrorists and take in millions of the displaced.

What is America, that bastion of the free and desperate, doing?

We might take in 10,000 people by the end of the next year. But even as we say that 31 state governors, shocker all but one a republican, have said they will defy the federal government and not allow the refugees inside the borders of their fiefdoms. Just today the United States House of Representatives passed a bill the President has promised to veto which would make it almost impossible for any refugees to legally enter the country.

Add to that the downright evil and scary things being said by the Republican Presidential candidates. From only letting in proven Christians to not letting anyone in, to putting green crescent moons on their clothes and closing down mosques, and let’s not ignore the handful of them advocating for state national guards forcibly stopping the settlement of refugees.

Where am I living now?!?!?!



You know what would really stick in ISIS’s craw? Take every refugee that asks for safety, treat them like family, and refuse to let those monsters keep making us the bad guys… or you know since a fraction of a fraction, of a fraction, of a percent MIGHT be bad guys let’s just turn them all away. It’s not like we created this situation or anything. There was a time when America was ready to help people… Guess that’s all a memory now, not much longer I suppose until we drop all pretense and just turn on everyone deemed too different, put them in camps, and enact a permanent solution.



Yes, I “Godwined” the shit out of this, deal with it.



– Josh







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We’re Men, We’re Manly Men!

Thank God I’m a Man



A man should call the toss

Wear the pants, and be the boss

A man should be the drink

For his own damn sake

And men should the misters

And the masters of their sisters

A man should be the reason

For a heart to break

A man should cut the lawn

Change the tire, mend the worn

A man should never wait

To oil a rusting gate

Men should hold the key positions

In our country’s great traditions

A man should put the food

Upon the family plate



So, be moral

Don’t quarrel

Fair and square is best



Let me alert you

That virtue won’t hurt you

Or desert you



If you wear hair on your chest



So always remember to follow the rules



Box clever



And jocks never



Hock another jock’s tools



A man should wax a car

Fix a fuse, and tend the bar

A man should like his brow

To be wet with sweat

Men should know the right occasions

To indulge in tax evasions

A man should know the settings

That his spark plugs get

Faggots are maggots

Thank God I’m a man



– Richard O’Brien (Shock Treatment)





There was a time back in the early days of internet bulletin boards and forum posting – remember threaded forums? Those were good times – when I was always down for a good fight. I wasn’t a troll even by the loosest of definitions. At the worst, I was a pot stirrer who liked to see blowhards, racists, and liars look dumb. Okay maybe I was a troll, but I like to think I used my powers for good and not evil. But then I grew up, or at least I tried to.

I’ll be honest, if you’ve been reading my essays for any length of time you know I enjoy a good train wreck. But you might also know I try to refrain from personal attacks. I’m not always successful, and I’m the first to admit that, but more often than not I manage to keep the real names of people out of my essays when they are portrayed in a less than glowing light.

I really, Really, REALLY wanted to break that policy today. But I won’t. Let me be clear it’s not because I’m a total puss-hole, I am a partial puss-hole and I will ask you to remember that thank you very much! That being said I’m still gonna stir the pot and see what breaks loose and rises to the top… here we go.

I was reading the comments on friends Facebook post last night and came across this little gem in response to the Syrian refugees. This is a direct quote (punctuation and spelling) but I am leaving the posters name off. Of course, some of you will probably figure it out but since he posted it online that’s his problem. Although considering the shit this person vomits across the infosphere, he’d probably enjoy the attention.

There are many, many more people like him clogging the information superhighway – kids ask your parents what this is – but I’m going to let this profound jackass stand for all of them in my rant.

“More than half the refugees world wide are children, but not more than half who went to Europe, the vast majority of those are men, and young men at that.

I for one do think it is men’s responsibility to stand and fight for ones homeland, whatever your side may be, pick it and fight. Please don’t tell me I don’t know what is like, because you have no idea what my life has been like.

Men’s entire reason for existence is to stand between women and children and the enemy at the gate. If your a man, and you have abandoned those very same women and children so you could found a “better” place while they suffer and die. Then fuck you, I hope you have a short miserable life.

And don’t give me that shit about Assad, these people are upper middle class because of Assad, they are those who benefit the most from his rule.

If you way the kings bread, be loyal to the king, or at least have the courage to openly rebel. But I have 0 respect for one who lives off a regime for decades and then runs away when things get tough.”

Did you read it? If you said yes and don’t see the big deal I implore you to read it again. If after a second reading you still don’t see what’s wrong with this please do us all a favor and exit stage left, or right—I’m not picky, because what comes next will hold no interest for you. Come back next week when I start talking about bad movies and gay stuff again. I promise it’ll be more fun.

I am going to do something I NEVER do, I’m gonna parse this drivel into sections and address each one individually. I promise to try and be logical, but I’ll most likely degenerate into name calling in a scatological humor. Hey, I’m still Josh.

“More than half the refugees world wide are children, but not more than half who went to Europe, the vast majority of those are men, and young men at that.

Utter and complete bullshit! Don’t believe me? Allow me to link Fact Check.org so you can get some REAL information.



http://www.factcheck.org/2015/09/stre...



So as you can see Mister I’m-smarter-than-everyone-else-in-the-fucking-room starts out with right wing lies—I mean talking points. Of course if you’ve ever dealt with him or the legion of jack-holes like him, you probably already knew this was going to happen. It’s as natural for them as breathing. Do I sound like an enraged liberal yet? Good, because I fucking am!

Alright, moving on.

I for one do think it is men’s responsibility to stand and fight for ones homeland, whatever your side may be, pick it and fight. Please don’t tell me I don’t know what is like, because you have no idea what my life has been like.

First let me address the last part. I assume that since you brag of your education, you live in the United States of America, and act like a self-entitled, know it all, piece of shit that you really have no idea what’s it like. Yes, I give you that I don’t know you and sir I NEVER want to know you. But unlike you, I’m an open book, I will share everything and anything and frankly I’ll judge the fuck out of you. Don’t like it, do something about it.

Now I am going to make another assumption based solely on this post and the various other non-private posts of yours I’ve read over the years. If you are not a card-carrying member of the Men’s Rights Activist (MRA) community you are very sympathetic to them. You assume these “Men” because of course we haven’t already seen most of the refugees are woman and children, those pesky things called facts and all, have to fight for one monster (Assad) or another (ISIS) in order to be men.

Fuck you. I’d like to see what you’d do in their situation with all of your big talks. Actually I bet you’d happily side with the faction that gives you the most power and control. Just a deduction on my part, but it’s based on you own statements now and in the past.

Men’s entire reason for existence is to stand between women and children and the enemy at the gate. If your a man, and you have abandoned those very same women and children so you could found a “better” place while they suffer and die. Then fuck you, I hope you have a short miserable life.

All of this based once more on the FALSE notion that it’s mostly young, single men—again I know those pesky facts. But wow, wishing death, you are a hell of a Christian I’m sure Jesus is soooooo fucking proud of you right now.

And don’t give me that shit about Assad, these people are upper middle class because of Assad, they are those who benefit the most from his rule.

If you way the kings bread, be loyal to the king, or at least have the courage to openly rebel. But I have 0 respect for one who lives off a regime for decades and then runs away when things get tough.”

I can’t even, I just… wow, you’re an idiot. I’m not even going to try and convince you you’re wrong on this because you’re just a bastard. But I’m a fair guy let’s address that before finishing up anyway.



http://www.ibtimes.com/europe-refugee...



And that boils and ghouls is that. I feel better, I don’t think I accomplished anything, but I feel better. I guess that’s something.





– Josh

Atheists and Christians Can Co-Exist… We Have To

“I’m not in favor of the government mandating a prayer in school because our country was founded on the fact that no particular religious faith would have ascendance over or preferential treatment over any other.” — Jimmy Carter

Before I get to the meat of this essay let me say right now the hardcore atheists are going to call me an apologist hypocrite and the hardcore religious are going to call me a misguided fool at best, and hell bound sodomite ay worst. Both sides will tell me I’m wrong and dangerous or some other tripe, and I was fully aware of that before I typed word one. The five percent, I refuse to believe the idiots and asshats make up a higher percentage of the population, will never be happy.

Want to know I secret?

I don’t really give a shit what either extreme side has to say. I’m talking to the remaining ninety-five percent of the human race. I’m talking to the people whose voices are never heard because they’re drowned out by big money and screaming zealots. I have no interest in demagogues and those who live in the narrow cracks. We’ve given you the microphone for too long and I say enough of it.

Okay, here’s my controversial premise, big breath… religion in and of itself in not a bad thing. In fact under many circumstances it can be, and in many cases is, a very good and positive force. And before my peers get their knickers in a twist the same goes for atheism.

Two “Religious” issues have dominated the news and social media in the last week. One of them is as serious as they come and the other is one of the dumbest freak-outs I’ve ever witnessed. You probably already know where I’m going with this but let’s dive in anyway.

Let’s start with the stupid. No reason for that other than I want to get through it as fast as I can. Recently Starbucks decided to go minimalist with their holiday season cups. In past years, they’ve decorated their cups with winter and Christmas images (Snow Flakes, Snowmen, Trees, Holly, etc.) but this year the cup is a solid red accented with the white and green Starbucks logo. Yes, I’m sure I wasn’t the first to instantly think some version of, “Hey, those are Christmas colors and that cup looks nice” but let’s set the rational thought aside.

Then there are the religious fanatics, the insane Christian zealots who seem to dominate more and more of the American religious landscape. They aren’t the majority, but they are the ones with the most money and the biggest mouths. These people, spearheaded by a self-appointed, neck beard messiah, and professional shyster douchebag Joshua Feuerstein, immediately screamed WAR ON CHRISTMAS!!!

Seriously, Google that shit, it’s disgusting.

This crap has been vomited across the infosphere to the point where I cringe when I open up Facebook or one of the news outlets. Thank Tesla for the BBC and Al-Jazeera America otherwise all I’d see are red cups and the Donald when I log on.

Of course, it’s all bullshit.

Extreme religious zealots need to have something to be outraged about. Conversely, the extreme new atheists need the Christian zealot outrage to push against as the flagellate themselves and make a spectacle… I’m fucking looking at you, Bill Mahr.

What’s been the response from the reasonable Christians and Atheist communities? At the worst they’ve been silent, we’re all so tired of the back and forth between the extreme camps that we just want it to be over. But at the best we seem to be pushing back also because we’re all so gods damned tired of the petty pointless back and forth. Christians and Atheists alike are sick and tired of the extreme fringe representing us in the public eye. We are tired of FOX, CNN, MSNBC and the rest of the mainstream media choosing to use members of the extremiests as the public representation of the whole. We’re pushing back separately, but we need to do it together. Maybe we’ve been given an opportunity, maybe out of tragedy we can come together.

Friday, November 13th, 2015 will be burned into the collective human memory for years to come. On that day a series of coordinated terror attacks killing more than 150 people and injuring hundreds more (exact numbers are still shaky as of this writing). Since the attack, the terror group ISIS has claimed responsibility for the massacre adding another notch on their blood-soaked belt.

Sadly the mainstream response has been predictable.

Calls for war, calls for mass deportations, calls for rounding up Muslim Americans and placing them in internment camps (this isn’t made up, some people are calling for it), and other rhetoric fills the info feeds and mainstream press. Every extreme faction has jumped on this tragedy in order to fuel their own agendas, that this happened during the American Presidential Primary season only compounds the seriousness of our situation. The tragedy should be bringing us all together and in many places it is. But in order to see that, we have to look beyond the mainstream media, you have to seek it out and most people don’t have the time or the energy to do that.

We’re racing toward something horrible.

History is one of my passions. I know most people find it boring, kind of like how I’d rather pull out my own teeth with pliers than learn more math, but I love it. If you look at the times before the big wars (WW1, WW2, 9-11, and such) you’ll see the same things. You’ll see the terror, you’ll see the hate, and you’ll see the same types of people using those things to push their agendas and increase their wealth and power.

We’re being used, we’re being pitted against one another, and we’re ultimately the only ones who can stop it.

– Josh

LINKS:

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Panicked Retreat & Sudden Clarity aka… What The Fuck Happened?!?!

I just quit a job I’ve had for two weeks.

Last December I was as happy as I’ve ever been in my life, and that includes when my children were born. I was a full-time writer and publisher. I was living the dream I’d been harboring and sheltering in the dark corners of my heart ever since I was five years old and started committing stories – really really bad ones – to paper. No longer would I have the reliability of a steady paycheck and the job security of knowing I was, if not liked, at least needed at my job. But really who needs that shit with a spouse and six children – even if four of them are adults?

I was scared shitless.

The first six months of the year were my dreams come true. I was working harder than ever before, but it never felt like work. We signed authors to our company, we churned out quality work, and sales steadily increased. Things looked bright and the horizons seemed to be limitless.

Then do you know what happened?

Amazon screwed all of us in the Indie community.

A little back story condensed and simplified because I know most of you would be bored into a coma of Van Winkle proportions if I laid out the details and controversy. Cliff Notes version: In 2014 Amazon went to a Netflix style lending model for eBooks. I’ll be honest at first I saw a serious uptick in revenue from the change. Then this year they went from paying writers for each book lent to readers, which was how they did it under the old Select and initial Unlimited model, to paying by the page actually read at a rate not equal to the old model. As a result mine, and many others, earnings went into the toilet.

Let me make things clear I understand that income is never guaranteed and that I wouldn’t have a career without Amazon. For everything I criticize them for, there are three things I praise them for. But it was still a massive shock especially since sales were NOT down, far from it. In fact sales/borrows have been on a steady and uninterrupted rise from month to month. Yet we’re making much less money as Amazon lauds the record profits of the eBook division.

Okay, that’s the business stress I’ve been under, now for some of the personal and financial.

At the beginning of September we had to take in two adult family members who had nowhere else to go. There’s no need to go into details as to whom and why, we love them and they need our help. That being said we went from a house of five to seven with only two people (my wife and middle daughter) with reliable income to support everyone. It felt like the financial walls were collapsing and as budgets got tighter, worry grew.

I freaked the fuck out.

Everyone told me to calm down. They told me things would stabilize, we’d adjust, and that book revenue would rebound. To be fair income from books is always the thinnest at this time of the year but it was all too much at one time for me to handle. I spent a weekend bombarding the internet with applications and in two days I had an interview for another job at a long term senior care facility.

Of course I got the job… yay?

The job sucked balls and not in the awesome “Hey he shaved and now it’s all smooth” way either. The pay was a joke, the workload was insane, the equipment was old/broken/nonexistent, coworkers were lazy scam artists and catty back stabbers, and the big boss was a lecherous liar. Add to that never seeing my wife and kids, while having to ignore aspects of the publishing business, and something had to give.

So three days ago I walked away from the new day job and didn’t look back.

I panicked. I admit it. I went back to a job that’s like a comfortable pair of shoes and tried to hide from the stress in my personal and professional life. I wanted to pretend I wasn’t miserable doing something other than my dream job. I tried turn the clock back and learned an important lesson. Apparently I am not The Doctor… I’m not even Donna.

Yet…

So I’m back where I started. I’m the Co-Head Monkey of Gorillas With Scissors Press and I am a full-time Father. But most importantly, whether we’re in the black or the red, I’m a writer.

I’m happy now.

– Josh

LINKS:· Amazon Author Page: http://www.amazon.com/Josh-Hilden/e/B... · Facebook Author Page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/josh-hi... · Google Plus: http://plus.google.com/10836796214340... · GWS Press Book Club: https://www.patreon.com/gwspress · Mailing List: http://forms.aweber.com/form/03/11031... · Twitter: http://twitter.com/josh_hilden · Watt Pad: http://wattpad.com/JoshHilden · Website: http://www.joshhilden.com/ · YouTube: http://youtube.com/user/marsbear22

Bad Movies I Love #2: “Spiderman 3”

Introduction
I love bad movies.

Does that surprise you?

Well it shouldn’t. If you’ve read any of my work I’d like to think it’d be obvious. The influences of the bad, as in wonderful schlock filmmakers, permeates the pages of all of my creations. The works of Roger Corman, the British Hammer Horror Films, even that wonderfully insane genius Ed Wood entertain the shit out of me. Let me make it very clear, if it was fodder for the Original incarnations of Mystery Science Theater 3000 (The KTMA, Comedy Central, Sci-Fi Channel years) then it’s in my comfort zone.

This series of ten essays is not about those films.

Lot’s of people love those movies and they’ve been talked about far more eloquently than I will ever be able to. Besides they aren’t the movies I WANT to talk about. I want to talk about the movies people hate, not love to hate I mean the ones they fucking HATE!

Why?

Because I love these movies and I’m not ashamed to admit it.

These are the movies critics hate. These are the movies rated so low they might as well not exist. Some of these movies, if I hadn’t seen them with my own eyes, I wouldn’t believe could be as bad as they are. These movies do not deserve to be real things but they are.

So join me as I talk about my favorite legitimately bad movies. I’ll discuss why they are bad and why I love them anyway. There’s no order to this list, these are just my ten favorite flicks everyone seems to hate.



– Josh

The Movie
Right now there are hundreds, okay maybe a dozen, of geeks and nerds groaning in pain. The third installment of the Spiderman franchise is universally reviled as one of the worst superhero movies of the twenty first century and I’ll be upfront and say I completely get why people hate it, the conundrum is that I actually kinda like it… within reason.

Set a span of months following the events of Spiderman 2, Spiderman 3 once more picks up the tale of poor Peter Parker as played by Seabiscuit. As the third installment unfolds before us Spiderman has become a celebrity, while Mary Jane continues her Broadway career, and Harry Osborn is seeking retribution for his father’s death.

In the magical land of plot convenience, Seabiscuit apparently plans to propose to Mary Jane, who just made her Broadway musical debut. But all those plans are for naught when a convenient meteorite lands near the two in Central Park and an extraterrestrial symbiote, really the most adorable blob of evil goo ever imagined, attaches itself to Seabiscuit’s bike.

Meanwhile, still in the magical land of plot convenience, escaped prisoner Flint Marko, played by Thomas Hayden Church, falls into an experimental particle accelerator (Because they’re all experimental and easy as hell to break into. I still question when, not if, CERN will kill us all) which fuses his body with the surrounding sand allowing him to shape shift at will as the Sandman. Unfortunately this Sandman is more about rampaging and stealing as opposed to helping children into the land of dreams.

So what is Harry Osborn (the amazing and sexy Doctor James Franco), Seabiscuit’s best friend who knows Seabiscuit is Spider-Man and holds him responsible for his father’s death, doing during all of this? In classic villain fashion he attacks Seabiscuit as the new Green Goblin (In a much better costume than poor Defoe). During the battle Dr. James Franco conveniently hits his head giving him amnesia and making him forget Seabiscuit is Spiderman. Okay stupid amnesia bullshit aside, Dr. Franco is an awesome Green Goblin. Someone clearly got how badly they fucked up William Defoe as the first Green Goblin. Seriously you cast one of the most expressive facial actors alive as the goblin and put a helmet that would embarrass the Power Rangers on him?!?!

During a very convenient festival honoring Spiderman, because yeah New York apparently worships Spidey now, Sandman robs an armored car. And I have to just to stop and say right now that the Sandman is epic, THC does a fantastic job and the effects are the best in the movie. That said, in even more plot convenience, NYPD Captain George Stacy tells Seabiscuit and Aunt May that THC was Uncle Ben’s killer as opposed to the guy we clearly see is guilty in the first movie. While proto emo Seabiscuit sleeps the adorable alien goo ball of death bonds with him… in a totally not gay way thus bringing black suit Spidey into existence. Long story short angry emo Spiderman hunts down the Sandman and beats on him learning water is his kryptonite, thank you M. Night Shyamalan, turning him into mud.

Then we get to the shit most people hate about this movie, a lot of forced relationship stuff. New Seabiscuit bothers MJ, MJ’s career goes into the toilet, and Amnesia Dr. Franco and MJ spend a lot of time together. Dr. Franco gets his memory back, his dead daddy makes him break up Seabiscuit and MJ, and then Gwen Stacy is shoehorned into the movie just so Seabiscuit can treat her like a piece of meat.

Under the adorable ball of goo’s influence Seabiscuit exposes Eddie Brock, a rival photographer at The Daily Bugle played by Eric Foreman himself, Topher Grace, as opposed to the guy who played him in the first movie (seriously why do people keep getting the Billy Dee Williams treatment in this series?), as a scumbag who posts doctored photos of Spidey. Furious at having to print a retraction J. Jonah Jameson shitcans Eddie who clearly needs a foot up his ass.

I will say it now and defend it until I get tired of it and move on to some other cause du jour, I like Topher Grace as Eddie Brock. No, he’s not the hardboiled, muscle-bound, and slightly sociopathic Eddie Brock from the comics but he’s still damn good. He’s the mirror image of Peter Parker, plucky and driven but without any of the ethics and morals that exemplify Seabiscuit’s performance. And when Eric Foreman is bonded with the adorable ball of alien goo he gives a genuinely scary performance.

In a very transparent effort to make Mary Jane jealous, Seabiscuit brings Gwen to the nightclub where Mary Jane works but after the most unnecessary dance sequence ever, Gwen catches on and storms out. Thus we are all witness to the waste of one of the best and most iconic Spiderman characters ever. Pissed off at no nookie, or something equally stupid, Seabiscuit brawls with the bouncers and, after accidentally hitting Mary Jane, he realizes the adorable ball of goo is changing him. Whiny Seabiscuit hides in a church bell tower where he finds he cannot remove the suit. However in a Deus Ex Machina of turtlenecks and nerve gas proportions, he learns that the alien weakens when the bells ring. Seabiscuit tears the symbiote off and it falls to the lower tower, landing on Eric Foreman, who is conveniently down there praying for Seabiscuit’s death. The symbiote attaches itself to him thus transforming him into Venom.

Then Venom finds Sandman and offers to join forces. Seriously they just decide to team up like it’s the most natural thing in the world… *Head Desk*

Venom hijacks MJ’s taxi and hangs it hundreds of feet above a sand-filled construction site (Gee I wonder what might be in there). Seabiscuit seeks Dr. James Franco’s help, but is rejected because he still believes Seabiscuit killed his daddy. However while Seabiscuit clashes with Eric Foreman, Dr. James Franco once more travels to the land of plot convenience and learns the truth about his father’s death so of course he goes to help Seabiscuit.

Entering the fray in the most awesome and epic scene in the entire movie. Dr. James Franco subdues a gigantic incarnation of the Sandman, while Seabiscuit fights Eric Foreman. Eric Foreman almost impales Seabiscuit with Dr. James Franco’s glider, but Dr. James Franco jumps in the way, and he is stabbed instead. Fighting the adorable ball of alien goo, Seabiscuit recalls how the church bells weakened it. He grabs pipes and creates a ring around the symbiote, creating a wall of sonic vibrations. The adorable ball of alien goo releases Eric Foreman, and Seabiscuit uses his webs to pull Eric Foreman from it. However, the symbiote has gained enough power from Seabiscuit and Eric Foreman, to live on its own without a host. Seabiscuit throws a pumpkin bomb at the symbiote from Dr. James Franco’s glider, but Eric Foreman jumps in to rebond with it, and both are killed by the explosion.

Weak sauce ending to what was a decent fight.

After the fight THC explains to Seabiscuit that he never intended to kill Ben, but only wanted his car and shot him accidentally when Dennis grabbed his arm. He claims Ben’s death has haunted him since. Seabiscuit forgives THC, who dissipates and floats away. Seabiscuit and Dr. James Franco forgive each other, and Dr. James Franco dies with Mary Jane and Seabiscuit at his side. Mary Jane returns to the nightclub and sees Seabiscuit while giving a song. The two dance, reconciling their relationship.

And Now, the Dancing
Let’s address the elephant in the room, let us take a deep breath and talk about the dancing… oh the dancing. Dancing seems to be a theme in this movie for reasons that still escape me. That being said I am going to concentrate on two scenes the first being the Emo Peter dance sequence as he struts around town and the second his douchbag dance with Gwen in the club. People hate the dancing. Following the initial release of the movie I expected comparisons of Seabiscuit and Heinrich Himmler. Luckily that never happened but still the hatred of the dancing flowed like a Star Wars Fanboy talking about Jim-Jam Bonks.

I love the Emo Peter dance around town. I don’t care if it was needed or added anything to the plot of the movie because the entire sequence is just fun. Seabiscuit dancing around Manhattan and was the one scene in the entire movie where I think everyone had a good time. I can imagine the cast and crew behind the camera loving every second of this scene. Something missing from a lot of superhero movies before Marvel began their cinematic universe was the lack of fun. Everything had to be so damn serious and dark because they were afraid the audiences wouldn’t take any of it seriously.

This is the example that proves them sadly wrong.

Unfortunately they had to bookended the awesomeness of that dance sequence with the tinfoil biting quality of the one in the club. The dance in the club is long, boring, pointless, and not even sexy. Why did this scene have to happen? I get the need for a monkey touches the monolith moment for Seabiscuit to realize the adorable ball of alien goo is evil, although if you know any of the comics that’s not actually true, but this was a dumbass way to do it. Seriously I agree with the masses, fuck this scene.

Conclusions
Despite the errors and fuck ups in this movie I still like it. The number one problem with this movie is it’s too big. There was no need for two villains, there was no need split up MJ and Seabiscuit, and there was no need for the introductions of the Gwen Stacy and Captain Stacy characters. They were important characters in the comics and what was done to them in this movie is borderline criminal.

All of that being said… yeah I like this one.

Next time we move on to an even more hated movie than Emo Spiderman. I won’t give you the title but I will say this… that’s a lot of fish.



– Josh

Winds of Change

My fellow Americans, things are rotten in the United States.

I like to think anyone with a tenth of a working brain can see it. A lot of people are saying ‘We are at the end of our cycle of civilization’, I hear it and read it on a daily basis. Some of the people making the proclamation are the usual suspects: the religious fundamentalists, conspiracy theorists, homophobes, racists, the enraged disenfranchised, and the general American asshats we all know and pretend we’re just meeting for the first time whenever we’re confronted with their bullshit.

Don’t pretend you don’t have a friend in one, or many of these categories. We all do.

Do you want to know something a lot of people are afraid to say? I think we ARE on the cusp of the end of our current version of civilization and I couldn’t be happier. That’s right, I am happy the current cycle of Western Civilization is winding down. When I was younger the world was in a state of perpetual cold war with commies and socialists held on par with Satan, institutional racism was seen as the norm, woman were second class citizens while the “Homo’s” weren’t even considered citizens by the majority of the population, and the rich were seen as gods. Oh how the world has changed in three decades.

Our Bi-Racial President is winding up his second term in office, the two Democratic front runners are a woman and a socialist, two women just completed Army Ranger training, the LGBT Community (and gods don’t I prefer that term to homo) is on the cusp of full equal rights, and most importantly people are TALKING about the problems in a way I’ve never seen in my life.

So what do I believe is wrong in this country of ours? The list is long and filled with contradictions, but I will try to give you a broad outline.

Immigrants are being treated as invaders and dangerous criminals as opposed to being people looking for a better life for their families.
Climate change is a thing and the damage can’t be stopped only abrogated, but not unless the people in power start giving a shit about the future.
The Police have evolved into a military culture which seems to see citizens as enemies, especially minority citizens. Yes, I support Black Lives Matter and I’m proud to admit it.
The Police are also being used as a revenue generating source squeezing people for more than they have and jailing them when they can’t pay… and don’t get me started on civil asset forfeiture laws.
Despite all of the dancing on the Right, the fact is women are paid less than men for the same work.
Gun violence is out of control. I’m not an advocate of disarming the citizens, although do some damn research on the second amendment and fugitive slaves and you’ll be really depressed, but we NEED some common sense FEDERAL firearms laws.
Healthcare is better since the passing of the Affordable Care Act but we have a LONG way to go before we have what we deserve.
Religious Fundamentalism is ripping us apart, hate disguised as love and faith is vile.
Education needs to be financed 100% by taxes and not out of pocket by citizens. What we have now is a sick joke and criminal.
Worker pay—minimum wage MUST be a living wage!
Then there’s the biggest problem, the one exacerbating all others— money in politics.
There is a conspiracy of control to nearly a fascist level in this country and we’ve all been deluded into not seeing it. In my nearly four decades of life I’ve never seen the people of our nations so divided and at each other’s throats. The divide seems to run across all lines and social seams with American’s breaking into hundreds of opposing factions. It looks that way but in reality it’s very simple, the ultra rich have spent a lot of money and time making sure that the poor and dwindling middle class only see each other as the enemy, and not the puppet masters on their golden thrones.

Now you’re backing away with your hands up thinking I’m a whack job who watches too much Alex Jones. Calm down. I don’t believe in the Hobbit Homes of Agenda 23, the Muslim Brotherhood running the White House, the secret invasion of Jade Helm, or that OBUMMER BE COMIN FIR UR GUNS!

With the Buckley vs. Valeo decision of 1976 the United States Supreme Court opened the doors for unlimited money in politics and fundamentally changed our nation from a more or less intact Representative Republic to a Plutocracy. The final one-two-punch of the Citizens United (2010) decision and McCutcheon (2014) decision effectively made bribery legal on a national level.

In other words, like the old saying goes, money is the root of all evil.

I believe the next presidential election is going to be the most important of my life. I am dead serious when I say the next ten years might determine the future of everything. When I cast my ballot in 2016 I’ll be forty years old and have voted in every presidential election since 1996. For the first time in my life there is a chance for a candidate not beholden to corporations and the uber rich who run our modern plutocracy.

I’m a bisexual, married, father, atheist, socialist, feminist American and I’m voting for Bernie Sanders.

– Josh

Bad Movies I Love… and You Hate: “Battleship”

Did you actually know there was a movie version of the classic board game Battleship? The movie was in and out of American movie theaters so fast in 2012 I wouldn’t be surprised if all you’d heard were whispers on the wind and rumors in the dark of night. But let me assure you Boils and Ghouls there is a Battleship movie, it is a horrible cinematic venture, and I have seen it… several times.

I remember, more or less, when and where I was when I learned they were making a Battleship movie. It was 2010 and I was working at Bethany Village back when the job was still a good one as opposed to feeling like a modern day share cropper—figuratively speaking of course… I ain’t no farmer. Anyway I was listening to Kevin Smith and Ralph Garman on their podcast Hollywood Babylon when they announced the development of the movie. I was completely gob smacked. Hollywood was bereft of new ideas or even clever reimagining’s of older products that in 2009 and 2010 they started licensing board games older than I am.

Let’s think about this for a second shall we?

With all the available television, written fiction, and comic book properties available to be licensed someone actually thought Battleship was the way to go. Seriously… they thought Battleship would be the next big hit. Don’t believe me? The movie had a budget of over 200 million dollars! Seriously I can’t get a mother fucking Dark Tower movie and Battleship had a budget of over 200 million dollars!?!

Okay, sorry about that, I just needed to blow off some steam.

So I didn’t see Battleship in the theater, I’m no fool – sorta – and I knew the movie would suck. Apparently I wasn’t the only one either because it made less than 8 million dollars during its American opening weekend. But I didn’t download it either. I’m not a fan of piracy and have very rarely illegally downloaded movies, television, or music… I never would have if Sherlock had been released to the American market in a timely fashion either. Nope I bought the DVD the week it was released.

In some ways it was the best $14.99 I ever spent. I slipped the disc into my computer when I was supposed to be working and let the horrible glory of Battleship wash over me. From frame one to the painful and predictable post credit sequence I was entertained and flabbergasted by what I saw.

The awfulness was glorious.

Battleship

The film was directed by Peter Berg, and stars Taylor Kitsch, Liam Neeson, Alexander Skarsgard, Rihanna, John Tui, Brooklyn Decker, and Tadanobu Asano. The movie was distributed by Universal Pictures. Battleship grossed 300+ million worldwide on a budget of over 200 million. So I guess that technically makes it a success?

Here is the premise of the movie. In 2005 scientist somehow discover an alien planet they name Planet G. Personally, I would have named it planet Ali G but that’s just me… nope fuck it I’m calling it Planet Ali G from here on out. The scientists determine Ali G is earth like. I have no idea how they did that back then since we can’t actually do it now but whatever. They wait a year and then for some reason decide to send a signal back to Planet Ali G. While this is happening in another movie our hero Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) gets arrested while being a jackass of frat boy proportions to get in the pants of Sam Shane (Brooklyn Decker). She’s the daughter of Admiral Terrance Shane (Liam Neeson). Stone Hopper (Alexander Skarsgard) Alex’s brother and a devastatingly sexy naval officer gets him out of the clink and shames him into joining the Navy.

Then we are thrust six years into the future, or as we called it then present day.

Apparently in the six years Alex has become an officer, although he’s still a massive tool, and has been assigned to the American destroyer USS John Paul Jones. It was right here where I wanted to know where my battleship was. His brother is in command of another destroyer, both ships are part of a joint naval exercise, and the two brothers are butting heads because Alex is on the verge of being discharged from the Navy.

I question any military organization, which would have this punk as a member.

But before the brothers can fight or kiss (there’s some serious homoeroticism there) five alien spacecraft arrive. You see that message NASA sent to Ali G was received and the people there decided our world looked nicer than theirs, that might be true since we NEVER get a motivation, and come to take it from us. Long story short they seriously fuck up the world and hand the human race our collective asses. A bunch of ships are sunk. Alexander Skarsgard is killed (and don’t doubt I screamed obscenities at the screen when that happened), and the Mothership projects a force field over the area trapping some ships inside and some outside of it.

For some reason on the big island of Hawaii the aliens have taken over the observatory where the signal was sent from and killed the grad students there. WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?! Anyway there is a whole B story on the island where Sam and a retired Army dude have to take the facility back and stop them broadcasting or some such shit. Actually the aliens attacking earth are a scouting force and they are attempting to make contact with their main invasion force. I have no idea why they don’t have an appropriate transmitter on them but there you go. I have to be honest I don’t care about this, all I want to see is fighting and as I’ve asked before WHERE IS MY BATTLESHIP??? So yeah I won’t be returning to the B-Team story, but suffice it say the movie keeps cutting back to them to its detriment.

On the water there’s more fighting, dipshit Alex captures one of the Ali G-Oids. More fighting, Rihanna tries to act, there are a lot useless attempts at pathos, we get a butt load of dues ex machina about sonar buoys tracking the aliens, and we actually get some cool visuals from the dumbass Ali G ships.

Let’s take a second to talk about the alien ships and technology.

The Ali G-oids crossed interstellar space with a battle fleet. They laid waste to the world from above. They are clearly several centuries ahead of us in technology. Yet they land their ships in the water and sit there to play patty cake with a fleet of primitive human ships. This would be like a nuclear aircraft carrier fighting the entire Union Fleet from the civil war, yeah they might have a one in a million chance of taking the aircraft carrier out but it’s not likely.

So the John Paul Jones takes out the remaining alien escort vessels only to be completely slagged by the Mothership. Luckily this all happens when a ceremony to honor the USS Missouri and her retired crew was going on and they are on hand to bring the old girl back online. I know the idea that they could un-mothball the ship in a few hours and get her fighting is ridiculous on the level of a turtleneck over the nose protecting Jeremy Renner from nerve gas, fuck you 28 Weeks Later, but I don’t care. I finally have my other fucking battleship!

What follows next I immagine is the most contrived and wonderful battle sequence where the USS Missouri hands the alien Mothership its ass. Okay not really, it actually damages it enough to bring down that force field and the fleet outside finishes it off but damnit the battleship pulls off some impossible and amazing manures! The Japanese officer Alex has been feuding with, yeah it was horrible C-storyline, comes through for the little prick and Admiral Liam Neeson lowers the hammer on those Ali G sons of bitches!

After the battle Alex is promoted, he has his “moment” with Liam Neeson where he asks for Sam’s hand in marriage, and all is right in the world until the post-credits scene. Three teenagers and a handyman in Scotland discover a crashed alien pod. When they open it, an alien hand reaches out, and they run off in terror.

DUN DUN DUN!!!

Conclusions

This movie is god-awful. It is in fact one of the worst films I’ve ever willingly sat through. And yet I love every awful second. The movie looks good, not 200 million good, but still it’s a pretty flick, and director Peter Berg knows how to make a good looking flick. Taylor Kitsch sells his role as Alex, I think he really put everything into his performance and almost makes the idiotic character believable.

As for the other characters, well Brooklyn Decker puts in a solid performance and I wouldn’t say no seeing her in more things preferably with a better script. Liam Neeson and Alexander Skarsgard are collecting a check and it’s painfully obvious. They both seem incredibly bored and I expected them to turn to the screen at any moment and ask us why the fuck they were there. Still, in the end they were not the worst thing.

Let’s finish this with Rihanna.

There needs to be a law in cinema. Every script must have a role written for Rihanna, it can be cut but the scenes must be filmed under threat of torture. She may be the worst actress I’ve ever had the joy to experience. What makes her so bad is I truly believe she thinks she’s at the least a competent actress, if not a good one. Watching Rihanna under act and over act in the same scenes is one of the greatest spectacles in movies… she needs more work.

And that’s it for this one. Next time we’ll tackle another bad movie I love. I won’t tell you the title but I will say there will be a lot of dancing… so much dancing.