Scott Murray's Blog, page 209

Manchester United v Sunderland – as it happened | Scott Murray

Minute-by-minute report: An evening of rollercoaster drama ended with Sunderland booking their place in a major Wembley final for the first time since 1992. Scott Murray was watching

Scott Murray

The Fiver | Standing by the fireplace, chest out, holding onto both lapels

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MANCINI'S THE MAN (UNLIKE MANUEL, DAVID, ROBERTO, BRENDAN, LORD FERG, ETC)

In these harsh, unforgiving, super-critical times, nobody in football gets credit for things they do any more. Lord Ferg may have won 874 trophies for Manchester United, but now he's the klutz who left David Moyes the mother of all knots to untangle. Moyes had previously been thought to have done a good job at Everton, but these days he's being shown up by Roberto Martínez, who plays far more attractive football, it says here. Martínez, in turn, is only doing so well because Moyes was in before him, sorting out the defence. No matter, he's getting the plaudits for Brendan Rodgers having won promotion at Swansea, so it all balances out, apart from the fact that poor Brenny hasn't ever received a single smidgen of reflected glory for Swansea's League Cup win last year, but hey, we don't write the rules, we just report on them in a clumsy, hard-to-follow manner.

No wonder, then, that managers opt to grab as much credit as they can, whenever they can, whether they deserve it or not. So today, here's Roberto Mancini, now at Galatasaray, insisting that what exciting, free-scoring, quadruple-chasing Manchester City are up to right now is pretty much all down to him. "I'm happy that Manchester City is one of the best teams in England because I built this team," he proudly boasted to the BBC World Service. "I think Manuel Pellegrini is doing a good job but what is happening now at Manchester City, we did three years ago. It's the same. The players that score the goals are players that I bought: Sergio Agüero, Edin Dzeko, Yaya Touré, David Silva and Samir Nasri."

Give or take an Álvaro Negredo here or there, it's almost faultless logic. That is until you recall City's turn in the FA Cup final last season, when Mancini's side – containing many of the stars who have this season been thumping goals past the likes of Arsenal, West Ham, Manchester United, Tottenham, West Ham, Bayern Munich and West Ham – failed to even trouble, never mind score against, an already relegated Wigan Athletic whose unique selling point was that they operated with a defence consisting of three lifesize papier-mâché models and a man with a hose pouring water on the three lifesize papier-mâché models (Moyes not having been there beforehand at any point to do some much-needed preparatory work, y'see).

In fact, Mancini presided over a performance of such stunning ineptitude at Wembley last May that his input is almost certainly as relevant to Wigan's success as that of their own then manager, the aforementioned Martínez. So not only can Mancini, by his own rationale, also lay claim to Wigan's FA Cup, he's also directly responsible, according to the internationally recognised laws of dominoes, for Everton's subsequent resurgence and the pressure it's piling on their former manager Moyes at United. "I'm very happy about what I did in Manchester," beamed Mancini in conclusion, as he stood by the fireplace, chest out, holding onto both lapels of his jacket. It's an emotion surely matched by everyone involved with City. Even this new chancer Pellegrini, who if Mancini's deductive reasoning is anything to go by, might have nowt to do with City's current brilliance, but at least now has memories of his 2011/12 La Liga title with Real Madrid to keep him warm at night. Well done, Manuel! Well done, Roberto! Well done, everyone!

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT

Join Scott Murray from 7.30pm GMT for minute-by-minute coverage of Manchester United 2-0 Sunderland.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Why am I playing so well? Well that's simple. Because in my role I am the best in the world" – Arturo Vidal makes a grab for the Zlatan Ibrahimovic Award for self-aggrandisement.

FIVER LETTERS

"If my wife is anything to go by, Ossie Ardiles's diagnosis of 'fine' from his nurse means he is probably in trouble after having let the kids have a can of cake frosting for dinner, forgotten to clean the dishes, left the toilet seat up, spent too much time in the pub and put her best blouse in the dryer. Best of luck sir" – Bruce (Snip – Fiver Marriage Councillors).

"Let me just be upfront about this from the get go, I am not a doctor, hip or otherwise but it's ticketyboo not tickedy right? Get well soon Ossie" – Peter Wilson.

"'Progressive soccer outfit Southampton' (seven-minute Robert Fripp guitar solos, Rick Wakeman in a cape … ) clearly did so well in 2005 with Sir Clive Woodward in their management structure, they've decided to repeat the trick with the ice hockey fella, Ralph Kreuger (yesterday's Bits and Bobs). What's that saying about those who forget the past? I just hope it doesn't turn into a nightmare ... " – Matt Dony.

• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day is: Bruce. Just Bruce.

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BITS AND BOBS

Nicolas Anelka has insisted he is not antisemitic nor racist in relation to the charges brought against him by the FA over his quenelle gesture.

One to keep your eye on dept: cool-tempered former Tottenham striker Mido has been appointed manager of Cairo club Zamalek, aged 30.

Stan Collymore has hit out at Twitter after being targeted by internet trolls.

New Roma signing Michel Bastos is in hot water after marking his arrival at the club by holding up a scarf emblazoned with the words "Lazio sh1t". "The club and Michel would like to apologise," sniffed a Roma suit.

The FA has sprung into action with customary speed to fine Everton £45,000 over an approach for Nottingham Forest's Jamaal Lascelles four years ago.

Blackpool chairman Karl Oyston has revealed that he took the sensible decision to not be in the same room as Paul Ince when he sacked him. "I informed them that we were making changes by text," he cowered.

STILL WANT MORE?

From hospital janitor to Watford manager: Simon Burnton interviews Beppe Sannino.

Marina Hyde sizes up the Nicolas Anelka affair.

If Liverpool were to replace Steven Gerrard, who should they replace him with?

Orange cards? Pah, says Paul Wilson. Sort of.

Which clubs have chosen their successor: the Knowledge investigates.

Oh, and if it's your thing, you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.

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WHERE'S THE PHIL COLLINS ONE? Scott Murray
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West Ham v Manchester City – as it happened | Scott Murray

Minute-by-minute report: More misery for West Ham as they were soundly beaten at Upton Park to find themselves on the wrong end of a record 9-0 aggregate thrashing. Scott Murray was watching

Scott Murray

Liverpool v Aston Villa – as it happened | Scott Murray

Minute-by-minute report: Stuttering Liverpool came back from two goals down to salvage a point against an impressive Aston Villa. Scott Murray was watching

Scott Murray

Sunderland v Southampton – as it happened | Scott Murray

Minute-by-minute report: An entertaining encounter saw Sunderland come back from two goals down against an impressive Southampton. Scott Murray was watching

Scott Murray

The Fiver | The Scottish Decision

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BITS AND BOBS GO LARGE (A SPIN-OFF OF BITS AND BOBS)

The Fiver has many talents, but what we can't do is … OK, the Fiver doesn't have many talents. But even if we did, what we couldn't do is magic stories out of thin air. If we did, and we could, we would, we're so jaded that ethics are no longer a concern and arguably never have been, but we don't and we can't and so we've got nothing for you today. Nothing. So what we'll have to do is promote a few stories from Bits and Bobs. You'll soon spot that we usually wouldn't even bother putting these in Bits and Bobs, but cut us some slack will you, it's Friday afternoon after all.

Still here? OK, Manchester United first, where proactive new manager David Moyes has made a second decision in six-and-a-half months! He's getting shot of Anderson. The call to offload the midfielder to Fiorentina on loan is undoubtedly a good one – the Brazilian has only played 36.7 seconds of competitive football since signing for United in 2007, also just look at the state of him – and as such cancels out the other decision Moyes has made since arriving at Old Trafford. You know, the panic purchase in the summer that cost £27m, coincidentally (and rather worryingly) the same amount Anderson did back in the day. But there's no need to be embarrassing anyone by going on about it and bringing up names. The Scottish Decision, let's just call it, and move on quickly.

To another huge club whose Big Cup winning days are long behind them: Aston Villa! They've signed Ryan Bertrand on loan from Chelsea. "Ryan is to go on loan for the rest of the season," said José Mourinho. "We felt and he agrees totally that he needs to play." Have Chelsea bundled one of their left-backs out of the door in order to make way for £30m Southampton starlet Luke Shaw? No idea. The Fiver has just pulled that suggestion out of an easy-access flap situated at the back of its standard-issue Guardian dungarees, though expect to see it presented as gospel on the back of a few tabloids (Sun, Mirror, Guardian, etc) tomorrow.

Meanwhile at the Emirates, Arsène Wenger might be signing a contract extension with Arsenal. "There is a point where you have to decide and there is a point where you have to make your decision public," he announced this morning in a vaguely enigmatic style, upon being asked whether he planned to stick around a while longer. "You can take of that sentence the way you want it," he added with a smile, not particularly cryptically. The Fiver can exclusively reveal that Wenger is expected to sign his name using a pen containing ink on a contract made out of paper before continuing to turn up regularly for work in his car.

And pompous self-regarding windbags Barcelona are planning to open a mausoleum with space for 30,000 urns at Camp Nou. The project – Memorial Space FC Barcelona – will allow fans to purchase large ceramic slabs decorated in Barcelona bumf behind which the remains of family members can be stashed in branded perpetuity, and yes, we hate slow Friday afternoons as well, though if you're dismayed and upset to read this garbage just imagine how the Fiver feels writing it. Roll on Monday, huh folks?

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Ten years ago I was buying something in a shop in New York and I handed my credit card to the young African man behind the counter. He read Bank of Ireland on the card, looked at me and said: 'Ireland – Roy Keane.' I'm delighted to be writing this book with Roy" – Roddy Doyle (yes the bloke who wrote jaunty novel/film/musical The Commitments) confirms that he will indeed be going to a wild, contrary and often dark place after agreeing to find the Republic O'Ireland No2's authentic voice when he helps him write his second set of memoirs.

FIVER LETTERS

"What is it with the Fiver and Coventry City FC? When searching for a club in crisis (yesterday's Fiver) to pad out your tea-timely newsletter you totally ignore the most ludicrous, farcical provider of more comic punchlines than the Fiver could ever pen. I can only assume it is because of pure jealousy at CCFC's successful Stop Football campaign in Coventry. Either that or Fiver Lawyers have had their scissors out. If that's the case then grow a pair and stop behaving like the Football League suits you're so keen on mocking" – Trevor Wastell.

"Is Liverpool's deal with Dunkin' Donuts (yesterday's Brand Partnership of the Day) just a way to pander to the Kops?" – Neale Redington.

"I presume Dunkin Donuts entered into that partnership without realising that brand ambassador Charlie Adam had already signed for Stoke?" – Matthew Sharpe.

"It was all very well for Dunstan Bentley to say that Albion Rovers' gate only increased by 89% of their average attendance for the 'pay what you want game' (yesterday's letters). If he had however paid more attention to the original post on Tuesday, he would have noted that the 125% amount was 'compared to the fixture against the same opposition in August'. Both figures are therefore equally valid. No need for toys to get thrown out of prams. And yes, I am an accountant" – Paul Dixon (and 1,056 others).

"In the early 90s, Warwick Uni's Student Union had a system similar to 'pay what you can' for bands on a Saturday night with the 'whip round', where those attending contributed depending on how good they thought the band was (presumably for the Union to claw back the band's fee). I strongly suspect that Ludicrous Lollipops got a lot more than early Blur, Manic Street Preachers or Radiohead which doesn't really do much to vindicate this funding model as a benchmark of the quality of underlying product" – Bryan Paisley.

• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day is: Matthew Sharpe.

JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES

We keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service "for interesting people" in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still aren't having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.

BITS AND BOBS

Ah.

Tony Pulis has confirmed that Jason Puncheon will remain his first-choice penalty-taker despite sending his spot-kick against Spurs into another postcode. "It's like falling off your bike the first time round – the quicker you get on that bike the better it is," honked Pulis.

Pip the goat, Cotswold Farm Park's 'answer to Paul the Octopus' so it says here, has predicted a draw for Cheltenham Town against Accrington tomorrow. "We haven't seen any evidence of her psychic skills yet, but she has got plenty of time to work on them between now and the World Cup next summer," dribbled some marketing type.

Oh.

STILL WANT MORE?

Andy Hunter laces up his boots and visits Woolton FC, while discovering that grassroots football in England is dying a slow death. So he wrote this special report on it, while Christopher Thomond took these photos.

Half-a-dozen football fiascos from Buenos Aires bust-ups to a Cold War meltdown: here's this week's Joy of Six.

Barney Ronay talks Wengerball, as the Arsenal manager chases Julien Draxler, "a precocious talent with an excellent name, which makes him sound like a glazed high society drug dealer in a Bret Easton Ellis novel".

Look! Danny Higginbotham! He's written something for us!

Oh, and if it's your thing, you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.

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'BLOOD IS THICKER THAN MUD, LIQUOR THE ELIXIR OF LOVE'Scott Murray
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Football transfer rumours: Tom Ince to choose Monaco over PSG?

Today's whispers are hungry, and water ain't gonna cut it

Seventeen days in, and it's not been much of a transfer window so far, has it? Grant Holt to Aston Villa, Nikica Jelavic to Hull City, Roger Johnson to West Ham United, what an exercise in futility. And all we've got to look forward to is Sky Sports anchor Jim White shouting at us in a couple of weeks' time. What a business!

Hats off to Tom Ince for adding a dash of much-needed glamour to proceedings, then. It looked as though the dithering winger had missed the boat for a big-club move, having turned down a return to Liverpool last year in favour of staying put at Blackpool. But after a quiet, rumour-free few months, it's all exploded in a kaleidoscopic riot of colour: Paris Saint-Germain, Internazionale, Tottenham Hotspur and Swansea City are all interested, but it'll be Monaco he's off to. Blackpool will trouser a whopping £155,000 in compensation, which is not a dissimilar amount to the sum Ince will save in income-based overheads and levies every time he kicks a ball. Or so says the Rumour Mill's accountant, who is currently serving six years for various inconsistencies that were recently spotted in his work. Probably best not to listen to him, actually. Here, while we remember, is anyone able to help us with our tax return?

Luke Shaw, then. Like Southampton chairman Nicola Cortese before him, he's off! Chelsea, the team he supports, are favourites to land the player; Manchester United are preparing a bid and have the required £30m to hand; and Liverpool have declared an interest in a move they picked up from watching neighbour Bill Kenwright in action over a period of several years. You know what they're up to, Everton fans.

Speaking of Everton, they want Standard Liège striker Michy Batshuayi, and they'll do anything to get him. Bill's dropped the act, you see, he's one step ahead of everyone.

Arsenal are still in for Real Madrid striker Álvaro Morata, but Internazionale and Juventus are both sniffing around, so that's that, Italian clubs still being intrinsically more glamorous than English ones, although admittedly the Mill is still living in the 1980s so its judgment may well be shot through. Will Dimitar Berbatov do instead? Of course he will.

Manchester United and Liverpool both want Saint-Etienne defender Kurt Zouma, but the young man is off to Chelsea after chatting to José Mourinho on the telephone. Let's hope the pair discussed getting together on the land line, there's nothing more gauche than discussing financial matters during a cellphone walk-and-talk.

Tottenham Hotspur want Lille's former Chelsea forward Salomon Kalou. One for the Rumour Mill's occasional stand-alone Speaks For Itself series, that.

Finally, Crystal Palace are lining up a bid for Blackburn Rovers captain Scott Dann. Not the most sparkling of rumours to finish with, admittedly, but at least this one might actually happen. And it fits in with the overall "honest" aesthetic of this window to date.

BlackpoolMonacoParis Saint-GermainTransfer windowScott Murray
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Blootering the overly intricate SAS into a cocked hat | The Fiver

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BIG SAM MAKES ROY AND KENNY'S DREAM COME TRUE

Like many a fellow football fan, the Fiver loves to while away the hours mulling over counterfactuals. What would the outcome of the 1966 World Cup final have been if Jimmy Greaves had been picked ahead of Geoff Hurst? Where would Sheffield Wednesday and Manchester United be now if the former had gone through with the signing of Eric Cantona? What if referee Trelford Mills had given Coventry City a penalty when Tony Adams felled Micky Gynn in the box at Highfield Road in December 1987, therefore giving the Sky Blues a chance to turn a dour 0-0 draw into a staunch 1-0 win? What then, dear reader? What then?

Rare is the chance that these posers are ever answered in real life. But one of football's more enduring questions will soon be answered at Upton Park. Liverpool supporters have often asked themselves what would have happened if their fondly remembered manager Roy Hodgson had managed to secure the signature of Carlton Cole, as he was desperately trying to do, just before the club sent him bouncing down Walton Breck Road on his thoroughly average, tactically intransigent, expectation-dampening, middle-management buttocks? What if, freshly resplendent in red, Cole was soon paired up front with another new signing, Andy Carroll? A partnership of Carroll and Cole, so close and yet so far! We can sense the Anfield faithful shudder, no doubt in impotent despair, as they consider the hand fate dealt them.

And so for three years, Liverpool fans – these days resigned to watching Luis Suárez and Daniel Sturridge pointlessly flicking it about – have dreamed dreamy dreams of what could have been. But now, with Cole having today signed an 18-month contract extension at West Ham having been ushered out of the club at the start of the summer, the full horror of what they're missing is to unfold in front of their faces. With Cole having scored four times this season, and Carroll having broken into a run for a sum total of four minutes, the pair are sure to form a partnership of direct brilliance that blooters the overly intricate SAS into a cocked hat (or at least within 10 feet of it, either side). West Ham are also set to sign Lacina Traoré on loan from Monaco, his work permit confirmed, though whether the 6ft 8in Ivorian will get a game once Sam Allardyce realises he's not just about going up for headers but is fond of dropping deep and playing a bit of football is a moot point, and yet another question nobody is able to answer with 100% conviction.

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT

Join Toby Moses from 7.3opm GMT for minute-by-minute coverage of the FA Cup replay between Manchester City and Blackeye Rovers.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Working with kids for Southwark council" - asked what he would be doing if he weren't a footballer Rio Ferdinand reveals that, but for his ability to kick a ball, the deprived kids of Southwark might face one more difficulty.

FIVER LETTERS

"Re: Albion Rovers' 'pay what you can' initiative. If the size of the crowd increased by 125% and gate receipts increased by 160% (yesterday's Fiver letters) doesn't that mean people on average paid more than the usual ticket price? Or are 1,057 pedants going to point out an obvious and embarrassing error in my mathematics?" – Barney Jeffries.

"Rehashing Spandau Ballet songs from the mid-80s? This has to be a new low for The Fiver. Surely, you know this much is true. I just want the truth to be said" – Scott Henderson.

• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day is: Scott Henderson.

JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES

We keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service "for interesting people" in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still aren't having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.

BITS AND BOBS

Southampton chairman Nicola Cortese has unsheathed a sword and threatened to fall on it, promising to offer his resignation over frustrations with the club's owner Katharina Liebherr.

Barcelona have expressed their "energetic indignation" over claims there were irregularities in Neymar's transfer to the club. "If anyone has any doubts, they should ask my dad because I'm concentrating on my job, which is playing football," sniffed Neymar.

Clearly impressed with his record flashing of 14 yellow cards in the 2010 World Cup final, Fifa have asked Howard Webb to repeat his performance by reffing in Rio this year.

Forest Green Rovers's Conference Premier tie against Grimsby was called off last night after floodlight failure at The New Lawn. Forest Green Rover's chairman's job? The founder of an electricity company.

In much the same way as Radiohead followed The Crimea's decision to give music away for free, Bradford Park Avenue are following Albion Rovers' decision to allow fans to pay what they want for entry. "This is a good initiative," said Park Avenue captain Nathan Hotte, before unveiling a minimalist solo project.

STILL WANT MORE?

Marina Hyde sharpens her pen and sticks it in Fifa's eye.

Ever wondered what happened to Andrew Driver, the England U-21 poached by Scotland? So did Ewan Murray.

José Mourinho would like to beat Manchester City to the title, if that's alright with everyone else, writes Paul Wilson.

Nerd nirvana The Knowledge reports on the most complicated FA Cup draw of all time.

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TO TEACH THEM A LESSONWest Ham UnitedScott Murray
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Football transfer rumours: Arsenal to sign Schalke's Julian Draxler?

Are you a North Rhine-Westphaliaphile? If so, today's hot gossip will press all your buttons

Good news for Arsenal fans. Arsène Wenger has at long last developed a taste for spending preposterous amounts of money, and is preparing another of the club's suspiciously precise bids, £37m this time, on Julian Draxler of Schalke. The plan is to turn him into the next Robin van Persie, and look how well that turned out. Manchester United may cut out the middle man this time, mind, and buy the lad themselves. Saves everyone a lot of bother and heartache in the long run.

Manchester United are also in the hunt for Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Javier Pastore, Thiago Silva and Adrien Rabiot. What's happened here, of course, and you're already a step ahead of us, is that David Moyes has been to see PSG play.

United are also after Diego Costa of Atlético Madrid but we think we've already done that one. They still want Leighton Baines, Wayne Rooney is a target for Chelsea, and Liverpool are after Basle's Mohamed Salah, seeing as we're covering old ground.

Liverpool are additionally desirous of the Porto midfielder Fernando, though they don't have any money, if news of Brendan Rodgers holding urgent "talks" with his club's owners is anything to go by, so the point is somewhat moot.

Charlie Adam has been in the goals recently, and this has alerted Galatasaray, who are prepared to pay Stoke £5m for the pleasure of witnessing him toss wingers into the air like old socks week in, week out.

Cardiff City plan to take on the former Manchester United misfit Ravel Morrison and current Manchester United misfit Wilfried Zaha.

And let's finish off where we started, in Gelsenkirchen. Lewis Holtby has had his fill of life at Tottenham Hotspur and wants to go home to Schalke.

Scott Murray
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Manchester United v Swansea City – as it happened | Scott Murray

Minute-by-minute report: After a dodgy first half, United put in a splendid second-half display, ending a run of three losses on the bounce and keeping the ghosts of 1961 firmly in the past. Scott Murray was watching

Scott Murray