Scott Murray's Blog, page 206

Liverpool v Sunderland as it happened | Scott Murray

Liverpool squeaked past a committed Sunderland to reclaim second spot and move a point behind the leaders Chelsea

9.50pm GMT

Liverpool survive! I'm not quite sure how, Sunderland were all over them towards the end of that second half. But they've got the three points they needed, and now they're only a point behind the leaders Chelsea! Brendan Rodgers punches the air more in relief than delight, while his players have the good grace to depart the arena looking somewhat sheepish. They were hanging on by the end there, but that's seven wins in a row now. As for Sunderland, they stay stuck in the relegation zone, but that performance should give them heart for their own battles. Here, a 2-1 scoreline involving Liverpool. That's almost normal, isn't it?

9.49pm GMT

90 min +2: Liverpool are in cup-tie mode now. This is desperate stuff. Johnson and Suarez combine down near the right-hand Sunderland corner flag to pin the away side back.

9.48pm GMT

90 min +1: There will be three added minutes, and the first is up. Suarez and Coutinho have both had chances to break clear into the Sunderland area down the left channel, but their nervous play causes hesitation, allowing the away team to regroup on both occasions, when a calming goal looked a very real possibility.

9.47pm GMT

90 min: Anfield is living on its nerves. Johnson dances down the left and enters the Liverpool box, but his low fizzer isn't anywhere near a yellow Sunderland shirt, and Skrtel can hack clear. Liverpool are all over the shop!

9.45pm GMT

89 min: Dear oh dear! Johnson dinks the free kick, just outside the penalty box by the byline, onto O'Shea's head. O'Shea's effort slides across the face of goal. Any touch will result in an equaliser, but Altidore can't reach it! What a chance!

9.44pm GMT

88 min: Liverpool are playing at a fast-paced panic right now. Allen and Henderson both have opportunities to calm things down for Liverpool, but hesitate, and Sunderland are pressing well. Colback twists and turns down the left, and buys a cheap free kick from Johnson, who is all over his back in the clownish style. This is a very dangerous free kick for Sunderland!

9.41pm GMT

85 min: Sunderland are by far the better team now. Allen wangs a laughable crossfield pass high into the Centenary Stand. Altidore makes good down the right, and his cross is only just cleared by Agger with Ki lurking.

9.40pm GMT

84 min: Bardsley is in acres down the right, romping towards the box. A rather clueless shot hits Flanagan on the arse. "Isn't this a very Kenny Dalglish era Suarez performance?" asks Mark Garcia, who makes a good point. "He wants it for himself too much, and as a result he is trying far too many silly things."

9.39pm GMT

83 min: Colback replaces Dossena, who looked awfully knackered.

9.38pm GMT

82 min: Liverpool are sitting deep, and Anfield is a very tense place now. This is what title run-ins are like. The home support haven't experienced many of late. Sunderland push the home side back but Altidore releases the pressure with a witless foul in the box.

9.37pm GMT

81 min: Suarez turns Cattermole down the left and is obstructed by the Sunderland midfielder before the striker can make off for the box. Suarez takes the free kick himself, looking to whip one up over the wall and back down into the top-left corner. There's just too much on it.

9.35pm GMT

78 min: Suarez looks to float a chip over Mannone from 25 yards, but that's easy pickings for the keeper. The effort came at the end of a minor stramash in the Liverpool area, Ki again making a nuisance of himself. The home side are looking extremely nervous all of a sudden. What would this team be like with a dependable back line?

9.33pm GMT

77 min: Sturridge makes way for Sterling.

9.33pm GMT

A corner's flung in from the right. Liverpool's entire defence falls akip, allowing the ball to fly straight through the six-yard area. Ki is on hand to gently guide a header into an empty net from a couple of yards! What a defence! This is Liverpool.

9.32pm GMT

75 min: Ki has caused quite a bit of bother since coming on. He takes a whack from the edge of the area, level with the right-hand post. Agger throws himself in the road of the ball, deflecting the shot out for a corner. From which ...

9.30pm GMT

74 min: Coutinho claims a penalty kick after slipping as he enters the Sunderland box down the left. The referee isn't going to be giving any cheap decisions today, that's long been clear. "Its an odd state of affairs when the immortal Shankly is the best looking person in a group photograph," argues Mark Lunt. "The only one without the comb-over." A handsome man in any context, Mark. David Beckham, nay Johnny Depp, has nothing on old Shanks.

9.29pm GMT

72 min: Well, that luck's levelled itself up pretty damn quickly! Sturridge, on the edge of the Sunderland D, opens his body and batters a shot towards the top right. It twangs off the crossbar and out! As unlucky as Cattermole! We've just been denied two absolute screamers by some very stubborn Anfield woodwork! Bah, football fans! Bah!

9.28pm GMT

71 min: Cattermole makes matchsticks of Mignolet's crossbar! What an effort! He latches onto a Ki knockdown from the left. He's running to the left of the Liverpool D, and belts an unstoppable riser towards the top right. It hammers the underside of the bar at a ludicrous velocity and comes back out! So unlucky!

9.26pm GMT

69 min: Coutinho nips in from the left and sends a low shot straight at Mannone. The game's gone a little flat all of a sudden, and there was me talking it up, too.

9.22pm GMT

66 min: Ah, this is great end-to-end stuff at the moment. Johnson takes a hammer from 25 yards. It's straight at Mignolet. Then Suarez is sprung clear down the right. His pitching wedge into the centre is headed out by Vergini for a corner, which comes to nothing.

9.21pm GMT

65 min: Suarez dinks a delicious pass down the inside-left channel to release Coutinho into the area. Coutinho flicks an insouciant boot at the ball, his chip floating harmlessly into Mannone's hands. He's rather more animated while booting the hoardings behind the goal in frustration.

9.20pm GMT

63 min: The two Sunderland substitutions nearly combine to great effect, Johnson lifting a clever pass down the inside-left channel, the ball an inch or so from finding the toe on the end of Ki's outstretched leg. A fine pass and a smart run. Liverpool want to watch these two, they are excellent.

9.19pm GMT

62 min: Johnson fizzes another low cross into the Sunderland area from the right. Vergini nearly slices the thing into the top right. Comedy corner. Gerrard, presumably rocking inside with mild amusement, whistles the corner straight into Mannone's hands.

9.18pm GMT

61 min: A double change by Sunderland. Ki and Johnson, two of the club's best players, trot on for Giaccherini and the abysmal Wickham. "Never thought of you in a clown suit and no need to play the ingenue about your brave product placement," quips Tom Clark of my brazen half-time messages. "Shame's got nothing to do with it."

9.16pm GMT

59 min: Liverpool come straight back at Sunderland. First Suarez zips in from the left and flashes a shot, meant for the top right, into the Kop. Then Johnson makes good down the right, and his low cross is only just snaffled by Mannone before Suarez can latch onto it.

9.15pm GMT

57 min: Sunderland show upfield for the first time in a while, Altidore thinking about having a lash, just to the left of the Liverpool D, but opting to roll a pass down the channel towards the offside Giaccherini instead. Hmm. A bit better, I suppose.

9.13pm GMT

54 min: Suarez stops a certain Sturridge goal! Brilliant play by Coutinho, down the inside left channel, to slide Flanagan into the area. Flanagan's low cross finds Sturridge cutting in from the right. He meets the ball first time and guides it towards the unguarded bottom left, but Suarez can't contort his body out of the way. (Think Milan Baros attempting to get out of Vladimir Smicer's shot in Istanbul in 2005, but not managing it.) He tries to rectify the situation by chasing after the ball he's deflected, and backheeling it home at the right-hand post, but Mannone is all over that one. The resulting corner comes to naught. Sturridge and Suarez have one of their little tiffs, but you know what they're like, they'll be all hugs in the morning.

9.09pm GMT

53 min: A stunning run from Suarez, slaloming down the centre of the park before rolling the ball out right for Sturridge, whose cross is only just hacked clear by Vergini amid a forest of red shirts in the Sunderland area. Liverpool have their tails up now.

9.07pm GMT

49 min: Pretty much immediately from the restart, Suarez races towards the Sunderland box and is lightly clipped just outside the area by Cattermole. Liverpool claim the penalty, though, and perhaps rather karmically don't even get the free kick. In fairness to the referee, there seemed to be minimal contact there, it wasn't as outrageous a decision as it first looked.

9.05pm GMT

Sturridge picks up the ball just to the right of the Sunderland area. He takes a touch inside, drops a shoulder, and curls a stunner into the top left! There's a slight deflection, but let that take nothing away from a superlative effort! Liverpool finally have some breathing space.

9.03pm GMT

46 min: A strange static moment as Johnson and Dossena stand admiring the ball as it sits politely on the byline, to the right of the Sunderland goal. Dossena eventually takes charge of the situation and whips the ball back upfield, but only straight at Suarez, who, ten yards out on the right edge of the box, attempts a whipper into the top left. It's nowhere near going in.

9.01pm GMT

And we're off again! Fans of pictures, photos, looking at stuff, etc., can peruse our ever-growing Gallery of tonight's action from Anfield. I'll keep going with the old words, though, I'll not let you down with those. Well, I will, but there will be more words. No changes, and Liverpool get the ball rolling again, kicking towards the Kop, as is their second-half preference.

8.53pm GMT

Self-serving half-time announcements: Fans of retro Liverpool chat should get on Anatomy of Liverpool, the latest tome by Jonathan Wilson (and some other clown). Meanwhile, fans of retro World Cup action (and Twitter) should get following @gazzabook immediately, if not sooner.

8.48pm GMT

A nervy performance by Liverpool, but they're leading. Sunderland will feel slightly hard done by to be losing - they've been very impressive defensively - but then Liverpool will feel aggrieved by the lack of a red card for Vergini. Emotional swings and roundabouts, then. All of which makes for an intriguing second half!

8.46pm GMT

45 min: Kevin Friend is aptly named, certainly when it comes to his dealings with Vergini. The clumsy defender is very late as he slides in on Suarez, the striker looking to break clear down the left. That really should be a booking, as Suarez was romping into lots of space, and it'd have been the end of Vergini's involvement. But it's just a stern chat. Vergini could easily have picked up a red and a yellow, but all he's been shown so far is the one yellow.

8.44pm GMT

43 min: But Sunderland are soon coming back at Liverpool, Giachherini raking a cross from the left which Flanagan is forced to head out for another Sunderland corner. Which leads to another corner. Which leads to nothing much for the visitors, but if anything it's Liverpool who will be happy to hear the half-time whistle in the wake of that goal.

8.43pm GMT

42 min: Sunderland have responded well to falling behind. They've seen plenty of the ball. And suddenly Wickham is given all the time in the world, just in front of the Liverpool D. After a painfully slow decision-making process, he opts to take a shot. His low drive, looking for the bottom left, deflects off Skrtel, forcing Mignolet to tip the ball out of play to the right. Corner, which is wasted.

8.40pm GMT

40 min: Bardsley is booked for a narky foul on Flanagan down the Liverpool left. He can have few complaints.

8.39pm GMT

... their captain Steven Gerrard steps up and hammers a shot into the top right! Well, it's not quite in the top-right corner, but near enough, and hit with such pace that Mannone can't get a hand on it. Anfield erupts!

8.38pm GMT

37 min: A decision here for the referee to make! Suarez is about to scamper clear towards the area, after robbing the ball off Vergini. On the edge of the D, Suarez is hacked down by the defender. Free kick, but is it a red? Well, no, yellow's flashed, with Brown a couple of yards away from the incident to the right. But it's at least debatable as to whether Brown would have got there in time, and whether Vergini was last man. You've seen red cards given, put it that way. But Liverpool aren't too fussed, because, from the free kick ...

8.36pm GMT

35 min: Suarez takes matters into his own hands with a determined scamper down the right. He cuts inside and hoicks a shot high and wide left. Decent, but not brilliant. Liverpool are, pretty much to a man, severely under-performing here.

8.34pm GMT

33 min: Very many Liverpool triangles down the right, Suarez, Sturridge, Coutinho, Henderson, Allen and Johnson all involved. After what seems like an age, Gerrard steps up and whips a cross into the danger zone. It's easily cleared by Sunderland. There's still a lot of noise in Anfield, but frustration and nerves are very much the top notes. Sunderland will be delighted with how this is panning out so far.

8.32pm GMT

30 min: Liverpool ping it around hither and yon, all around the Sunderland box, but go nowhere. Difficult to say whether Sunderland could cope with this sort of stuff all evening, or if Liverpool will eventually find a way to unlock the puzzle. Their first equaliser at Cardiff last week, a move of very many passes, suggests the latter is possible. Sunderland's determined display so far is an argument for the former outcome, too.

8.28pm GMT

27 min: Allen goes on a progressive wander down the middle of the park, drifting to the right, dropping a shoulder and then looking for the top-right corner from 20 yards. It's over the bar, but not by miles. Mannone takes a year and a day to restart the game with his goal kick, a tactic that results in plenty of pantomime booing from the home support.

8.26pm GMT

25 min: Suarez goes down, 20 yards out, after latching onto a loose ball and zipping past Vergini, only to be lightly brushed by Dossena as he makes for the box. He could have stayed on his feet, but opts to buy the free kick instead. Unfortunately, the referee is in no mood to allow him to cash it in, and waves play on. It would have been a soft free kick, but there was contact and you've seen them given. Suarez has a face on, much as you'd expect, and embellishes the look by throwing semaphore shapes in frustration.

8.24pm GMT

24 min: Johnson finds himself in a bit of space down the right, but hits a woeful cross-cum-shot into the stands to the left of Mannone's goal. A wee bit early for the old desperation-cum-frustration to be setting in, you'd have thought.

8.23pm GMT

22 min: Anfield is a bit quiet right now. So much for all that pre-match work. Sunderland will be very happy with the opening quarter of this match. Liverpool have been given plenty of possession 30 yards out, but nothing's coming off for them near the box, with the Sunderland back five looking pretty damn solid.

8.21pm GMT

20 min: Bardsley is on the floor in his own penalty area, rolling around in pain. Who's clattered him? Ah, that renowned hard man, the Graeme Souness de nos jours, Joe Allen. Oh Phil! Reputations have been lost for a lot less! In fairness, the full back gets up quickly enough, and has the good grace to look a bit embarrassed.

8.19pm GMT

18 min: Allen flips a clever reverse ball down the left for Suarez, who whips a cross to the far post with the outside of his boot. There's too much on the first-time cross, forcing Sturridge to stretch high. He brushes his eyebrows on it, but can't guide it goalwards, and looks to have strained his neck. He rubs it awhile, grimacing theatrically. He looks to be OK, though, writes Dr Murray, who is a quack, because less than 60 seconds later he's bustling around down the left, trying one of his fancy backheels. Unlike at Cardiff, this one doesn't come off.

8.16pm GMT

15 min: Sturridge slips a ball down the inside-right channel to release Johnson into the Sunderland area. He finds Suarez, ten yards out, with a crisp pullback, but the linesman's hair-trigger flag has popped up, and the chance is void. Liverpool have cause to feel a bit irritated by that.

8.15pm GMT

13 min: A chance for Bardsley to take a snapshot at a dropping ball on the edge of the Liverpool area. He doesn't connect properly, allowing Allen to bustle the ball away from danger. A few hearts in mouths in the home stands there. Sunderland look well capable of fashioning a few chances here.

8.13pm GMT

12 min: Suarez is very close to making Brown look incredibly daft down the right wing, dropping a shoulder to double back past him at ridiculous velocity from a standing start. But Brown isn't so green as he's cabbage looking, and the experienced defender manages to haul himself back into the battle and stick with the striker, eventually forcing him into flicking a pass down the channel for Sturridge that's too strong and flies out of play for a goal kick.

8.11pm GMT

10 min: Coutinho jigs down the inside-left channel, then slides the ball infield for Henderson, who in turn shuttles it on to Sturridge, on the right-hand corner of the area. The striker takes a touch back infield and lets rip a riser which clears the bar easily enough. Mannone hasn't had anything to do yet. Sunderland will be happy enough with this start, they're holding their shape very nicely and look confident on the ball.

8.09pm GMT

8 min: Bridcutt takes a couple of steps into the Liverpool half, and decides he's been given enough time to take a shot. His rising, swerving blooter isn't bad, though sails over the bar. He should have had a corner, as the ball took a slight deflection off Gerrard's boot, but the referee's seen nothing, and Liverpool get lucky. An open feel to this game, and if the space Bridcutt was allowed then is anything to go by, we could have another daft scoreline on our hands here.

8.07pm GMT

7 min: Free kick to Liverpool, as O'Shea shoves Sturridge lightly in the back just to the left of the Sunderland D. Sturridge doesn't need asking twice to go down. Suarez takes the set piece, and whips a sidefoot with the intention of planting the ball into the top left. It's not far away at all, but Mannone assumed the no-sweat air of a man who had it covered were it on target.

8.05pm GMT

5 min: Coutinho glides in from the left and looks to curl one into the top right from 25 yards. He's given it a good belt, but that's sailing into the stand behind the goal, always too high and wide right.

8.05pm GMT

2 min: Johnson comes in from the right and looks for the top-left corner, but no no no. That's a long way off, high and wide left of the target. "Liverpool have managed in the last decade to draw this type of match so often that to be honest a win would surprise me," admits Patrick Crumlish. "It's the hope that kills you." Yes, hope's got no place in football. Prolonged exposure to it defeats everyone eventually, like gin, or Twitter.

8.02pm GMT

1 min: Sturridge loiters down the right, and eventually lifts a cross into the Sunderland six yard box. There's nobody in red in attendance, though Vergini makes a rare old song and dance of trapping the ball, then letting Mannone hack clear. Just for a second, it looked like he'd let the cross clank between his legs, and was in danger of turning the thing into his own net. A nervous start by the third centre back.

8.00pm GMT

A quick romp through the Rodgers and Hammerstein songbook - and we're off! Sunderland get the ball rolling, and they'll be kicking towards the Kop in the first half. "What are the chances that Dossena comes back to haunt Liverpool for letting him go?" wonders Bryan Tisinger. "95%? 30%? 1%? 0%?" I'm an easily confused man, and for a minute I misread those numbers as scorelines. 1-0. 3-0. 9-5. None of it's beyond the realms, is it?

7.58pm GMT

The teams are out! Liverpool are in their famous all-red strip, which means Sunderland, they of the renowned red-and-white stripes, must wear their yellow shirts and blue shorts. Anfield really is giving it plenty here, plenty of noise pinging around the stadium as the players do the polite pre-match thing and shake hands. "I fondly recall the returning Andrea Dossena's audacious chip over Edwin van der Sar in the 4-1 destruction of Manchester United at Old Trafford back in 2009," swoons Peter Oh. "I also remember Fergie saying in the post-match that United were 'the better team'. Well, may Sunderland be the better team today, as long as Liverpool win 7-4." Dossena also scored a late fourth goal in Liverpool's 4-0 evisceration of Real Madrid four days earlier. A strange week that was all right.

7.55pm GMT

Expect a crackling atmosphere at Anfield tonight. The place is always louder in the evenings, with fans having had more opportunity to lubricate their vocal chords with a liberal application of Yellow Entertainment Generator. But extra effort appears to have been made from the get-go tonight, with supporters lining the streets to welcome the team coach in the grand style. Encouragement is very much the order of the day. Sunderland meanwhile will be looking to start quickly, a la Cardiff, to give the away section something to work with. Eardrum-bothering end-to-end classic, please! It's on!

7.13pm GMT

Liverpool name the same XI sent out at Cardiff: Mignolet, Johnson, Skrtel, Agger, Flanagan, Gerrard, Henderson, Allen, Coutinho, Sturridge, Suarez.
Subs: Jones, Aspas, Moses, Sakho, Cissokho, Lucas, Sterling.

Sunderland throw the recalled Connor Wickham into the team, with Fabio Borini ineligible against his parent club: Mannone, Brown, O'Shea, Vergini, Bardsley, Cattermole, Bridcutt, Dossena, Giaccherini, Altidore, Wickham.
Subs: Ustari, Ki, Larsson, Johnson, Colback, Roberge, Scocco.

6.45pm GMT

A cursory glance at the form guide, and this really does look like a home banker. Sunderland are struggling in the relegation zone, and have lost five of their last seven games, scoring only three times during a miserable run. Liverpool, on the other hand, are making a leftfield title challenge, having won six league games on the spin, scoring 24 goals in the process (while letting in nine, admittedly, but that's part of their charm). It should be a shoo-in. It's surely a shoo-in?

Ah, but hold those horses! Sunderland might be 16-1 shots to win tonight at Anfield a ground where they've not tasted victory since October 1983, when Gary Rowell stuck a penalty past Bruce Grobbelaar - but they've caused trouble at Liverpool often enough. Sunderland have visited Anfield 12 times in the Premier League era, and have come away with a point on six occasions. They may have lost heavily here last season, 3-0, but their two previous visits were draws, 1-1 in August 2011, 2-2 in September 2010. Sunderland also have a couple of recent wins under their belts at the Stadium of Light, courtesy of N Bendtner in 2012, and B Ball in 2009. In summary: Liverpool don't always like it when the Black Cats cross their path. The form guide says it should be a shoo-in. But it surely isn't a shoo-in.

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West Ham v Manchester United as it happened | Scott Murray

Wayne Rooney scored a wonder goal, and a faintly amusing one too, as Manchester United won away from home again

7.23pm GMT

Yep, nothing happened. And that's that! West Ham didn't really contribute much, while Manchester United grabbed the three points without breaking into too much of a sweat. What a goal by Rooney, is pretty much the long and short of it. That's two wins on the bounce for David Moyes's side, which doesn't sound like much for Manchester United, but in the context of their season, it's quite something. Suddenly, the Manchester derby on Tuesday looks winnable. If only they were playing it away from home, eh?

7.20pm GMT

90 min: There will be four added minutes, and nothing will happen in them if the last half an hour is anything to go by.

7.19pm GMT

89 min: Fellaini romps clear into the West Ham box. He's about to pull the trigger before he clatters to the ground. Has Nocerino clipped him? Hard to say at first, because the Sky cameras go all Hawaii-Five-O (original 1968 CBS series), zooming all over the place. But looking at it from another angle, the West Ham man slid in to get the ball, and Fellaini simply crumpled in a rather clumsy fashion. It doesn't really matter either way.

7.16pm GMT

88 min: A quiet end to this game.

7.13pm GMT

85 min: Tomkins and Fellaini challenge a 50-50 ball in the centre circle. The former slides in, and has his leg stamped on by the latter. It was an ugly challenge, though it looked clumsy rather than deliberate. Collins, who has been locked in a low-level running feud with Fellaini all evening, gets involved in a debate with the referee, but no action will be taken.

7.10pm GMT

83 min: Taylor is replaced by Nocerino.

7.10pm GMT

82 min: Another gilt-edged chance spurned, this time at the other end. Kagawa skates into space down the right, and he's got Hernandez clear in the centre. A decent cross would have resulted in a simple header from six yards, but Kagawa floats it far too high, and there goes that.

7.08pm GMT

80 min: Jarvis drops a shoulder and makes off into space down the right. He loops a majestic cross to the far post, where it drops. Sadly, that's also where both Carroll and Cole are experiencing high levels of both confusion and dyspraxia. The ball is bundled out for a corner, but that should have been a goal. Bad strikers! Naughty strikers! "Moyes plays too much Football Manager," suggests Joe McGrath. "Makes subs on/after 75 minutes so they don't get a low match rating."

7.05pm GMT

78 min: Two-goal hero Wayne Rooney - one of his strikes spectacular, one rather silly - is swapped for Danny Welbeck. Mata is also hooked, Hernandez coming on in his wake.

7.03pm GMT

76 min: Upton Park is pretty damn quiet again, save for the warm glow of chatter emanating from the away section.

7.02pm GMT

75 min: A long hoick upfield. Carroll wins a header. Cole doesn't quite get on the end of it.

7.01pm GMT

73 min: Allardyce decides to roll the dice. Off comes Nolan, who has been all elbows and knees tonight. On comes Carlton Cole, the man Roy Hodgson wanted to purchase for Liverpool just before Luis Suarez turned up. Sliding doors, and all that.

6.59pm GMT

71 min: Kagawa strokes a delicate flick down the inside-right channel, springing Rooney clear on goal, but the striker's gone too soon. Daft bugger, because a hat-trick was his for the taking there.

6.57pm GMT

69 min: West Ham appear to have given up. On the touchline, Sam Allardyce has a gob on. He's waving his arms around in the 'Disgusted' style, too. I'm sensing another substitution soon.

6.56pm GMT

68 min: Buttner has a dig from 25 yards. That's coincidentally the height it flew over the bar, and not much further than the distance it whistled left of the target.

6.54pm GMT

66 min: Kagawa, Mata and Fellaini attempt a couple of fancy flicks down the middle of the park, in an attempt to snap West Ham's back line in two. The move doesn't quite come off, but the away side are strutting around right now. Manchester United would be top of the league if home matches didn't count. So much for the Theatre of Dreams, huh?

6.51pm GMT

62 min: Nolan, cutting in from the left, looks to shuttle the ball into the centre for Carroll, but it's deflected down the inside-left channel for McCartney. The full back, had he not hesitated, would have been clean through on goal. He scampers after the ball after the event, and it runs out of play to the left of goal, De Gea out to shepherd it away to safety. West Ham claim the corner, but no no no. A more confident team might have opened up this Manchester United defence, but West Ham don't have their chops up.

6.48pm GMT

60 min: Fellaini batters into the back of Taylor, just to the right of the Manchester United box. A dangerous position for a free kick, but Noble's delivery to the far post is a bit floaty. Carroll can't attack it. It's bundled out for a corner, and Manchester United are dealing with those without too much fuss this evening.

6.46pm GMT

59 min: Jarvis comes on for Diame.

6.46pm GMT

58 min: Kagawa, tight on the byline to the left of goal, curls a high ball to the far post for Young to guide down and goalwards. Rooney tries to thread a header into the bottom right from close range, but his effort is deflected out for a corner that's easily cleared. Manchester United are playing well tonight. Should they hold onto this lead and see out a victory, as they surely will if the evidence of this game is to be our guide, it'll be three wins from their last four league matches. The defeat to Liverpool will have been thoroughly depressing, of course, but the wider trend is promising for David Moyes, especially when you factor in the Olympiakos turnaround.

6.41pm GMT

54 min: Young finds a country mile in the middle of the big city, down the right wing. He wins a corner, from which Rooney is gifted a free header, 12 yards out. Luckily for the Hammers, he balloons it well wide right of the target.

6.40pm GMT

52 min: West Ham look half decent going forward, and Carroll's putting himself about as you'd expect he would. But they're not exactly employing a high-tempo pressing game when they don't have the ball. Manchester United have a lot of time to stroke it around. A move involving Rooney, Mata and Buttner doesn't come off this time, but the three of them had quite a bit of time to think about that. West Ham need to get a bit tighter here.

6.38pm GMT

50 min: Carroll and Nolan combine to win another corner for West Ham down the left. This is a decent response by West Ham after a sluggish start to the half. Meeting the set piece six yards out in front of his own goal, Fellaini slices a clearance over the bar. Gloriously hopeless. The second corner causes a mild kerfuffle, Demel scuffing a shot amid the disorder. Manchester United clear.

6.36pm GMT

48 min: West Ham respond by winning a corner of their own down the left. Fellaini clears it, but Downing comes back at Manchester United down the left, sending a deflected shot out of play on the right. He trots over to take the corner himself, a jog that was more exciting than what then happened at the set piece.

6.34pm GMT

47 min: United waste little time in winning a corner down the left. Young takes it short, exchanging passes with Mata, and curling a shot straight down Adrian's throat from the left-hand corner of the box. A quick start to the half by the away side. Another goal for them, and West Ham are jiggered.

6.33pm GMT

And we're off again! West Ham get the match moving once more. What the home side would give for a third 2-2 draw in a row against Manchester United at this stadium.

6.19pm GMT

Half-time light entertainment:

6.18pm GMT

Rooney hoicks a poor shot well over the bar from the edge of the box. Then Fellaini wins a brilliant ball in the centre, and soon enough Mata's romping into space down the left, and pulling the ball back for Rooney to screw a hopeless volley wide right. And that's the last meaningful action of an entertaining half that was all about a man who is certainly earning his £300,000-a-week wage today.

6.14pm GMT

44 min: West Ham have been passing the ball around nicely, but they're resorting to Allardycian stereotype at the moment, with a couple of thought-free wangs down the wings. It's not working for them.

6.13pm GMT

43 min: Manchester United aren't quite in total control of this game - they've allowed West Ham plenty of time down at their end of the park - but this is a much more controlled performance from them. It's been reported that they might miss Robin van Persie for the rest of the season. Well, the word "miss" is doing an awful lot of work there. Nothing in particular against the Dutch striker, but the Rooney-RVP-Mata trio hasn't been working. With one of them out of the road, United may be able to get something going. Van Persie's bad luck might prove to be rather more fortunate for David Moyes.

6.10pm GMT

40 min: Taylor is booked for an extremely professional hit, a clean nick on the back of Mata's ankles as the Manchester United player picks up a long ball down the inside left channel with attacking intent. The resulting free kick, 25 yards from goal and just to the left of the target, is taken by Rooney. Desirous of a first-half hat-trick, he looks to whip a sidefoot into the top left, but there's too much juice on the effort.

6.08pm GMT

38 min: Carroll fizzes a fairly basic low drive straight into the Manchester United wall. Demel latches onto the loose ball and forces a corner, from which not very much at all is achieved.

6.07pm GMT

37 min: To loud ironic cheers, Fellaini is penalised for nudging Carroll in the back as the two contest a garryowen just to the right of the Manchester United D. What the home side would do for a goal right now. This is a dangerous position from which West Ham may be able to cause some bother.

6.06pm GMT

34 min: Collins is booked for excessive running of the mouth. He wasn't happy with the non-penalty decision at all.

6.05pm GMT

A strangulated appeal for a West Ham penalty as Nolan goes down amid a minor scramble in the Manchester United box. It's not a spot kick, the midfielder's gone down far too easily, spun out of a fair challenge. The away side romp up the other end, Young making good down the right, and firing a low ball into the middle. Noble, on the edge of the six-yard box, turns to hack clear - but succeeds only in pinballing the clearance off Rooney, whose mere presence sends the ball pinging into the bottom-right corner. As preposterous as the first goal was brilliant.

6.02pm GMT

31 min: A bit of a lull in play. It's been a fairly pretty game, with decent chances - or at least half-chances in West Ham's case - at both ends. Upton Park's fallen a wee bit quiet at the moment. "That's twice now I've prefaced a wonder goal by exclaiming a post-watershed version of 'don't shoot from there, you blert' in front of my friends (Joe Cole against Sweden was the other).," admits Mike Gibbons, one of the authors of this upcoming tome, as I live and breathe. "They and I are starting to suspect I know nish about this great game." Hey, I'm in no position to criticise you for it. Manchester United were my prediction for this year's title. Tum te tum.

5.59pm GMT

28 min: Carroll, going up for a West Ham corner sent in from the right, claims a penalty after the ball clanks off Rafael. No haplessness from Brazil's answer to Bruce Forsyth / Larry Grayson / Ant & Dec this time: it's brushed his shoulder. Though it's not clear he was totally sure what was going on there.

5.57pm GMT

26 min: And now the scores should be level! Such is football. Diame has time - just about, it's tight - to get a shot away down the inside-right channel, just inside the Manchester United area. But he attempts to roll the ball under his boot one time too many - i.e. one time - and the over-elaboration costs him. Manchester United close him down, and the chance is gone.

5.55pm GMT

25 min: Mata takes matters into his own hands, spraying a pass out left for Kagawa, who is set free into the West Ham area! But the midfielder's shot is straight down Adrian's throat, and West Ham escape. Manchester United should be two goals to the good.

5.54pm GMT

24 min: Nolan, alone in the centre circle, Rafaels one into the main stand. Wha'? Eh? The quality of this game has dropped a wee bit.

5.53pm GMT

21 min: Manchester United push West Ham back, enjoying an awful lot of possession just in front of the final third. But they can't prise West Ham open, and eventually Rafael passes the ball straight out of play on the right under no pressure whatsoever. It's early evening on a Saturday, so it's the perfect time for televised light entertainment, but Rafael's taking things a wee bit too far in these opening exchanges.

5.50pm GMT

18 min: A lot of space for Rooney down the left. He's got time to shoot, from a tight-ish angle, but opts to pull the ball back instead. It files straight out of the area and back upfield. No good. Still, he's earned himself quite a bit of slack today. What a goal that was! "So Rooney shows Big Sam how to play Route One," quips Lou Roper, an eyebrow mimicking the same up-and-down arc of Rooney's shot.

5.46pm GMT

15 min: Rafael is all over the shop right now. He's skinned on the outside by Downing, who reaches the byline on the left and whips a high cross into the area. Carroll slaps a downward header straight at De Gea. West Ham have responded well to Manchester United's early goal.

5.44pm GMT

13 min: Rafael puts in another rash challenge, a shoulder in the back of Carroll as the pair contest a high ball down the inside-left channel. No booking, but he'll want to watch himself. Noble floats a free kick into the area, where Carroll eyebrows an effort wide right of the target.

5.43pm GMT

9 min: Rafael, who is brilliant and gormless in equal measure, sticks out a cynical shoulder to check the run of Downing along the left wing. That's a booking. Slightly harsh, maybe, but you're giving the referee the chance to pull out his cards when you make challenges like that. The free kick, lumped witlessly into the box, is easily dealt with by Manchester United. "Black boots!" sings Richard Hare. "Everyone in the Scholes photo is in black boots. How many pairs of them will we see today? My bet is none, not even from the keepers - the footballing equivalent of a drummer in a band." I spotted a pair of black boots in a game the other week. Can't remember who was wearing them, or in what match, but that's not really the point: I was genuinely surprised to see them. The modern world's long passed me by, if I'm being honest.

5.39pm GMT

Just inside the West Ham half, to the right of the centre circle, Rooney spins Tomkins under a high ball and spots Adrian well off his line. With the outside of his right boot, he whacks a huge up and under downfield, over the head of the keeper, and into the net! That wasn't just a witless blooter, that was perfectly judged! What a superlative goal - and David Beckham, who pulled that trick off at Wimbledon back in 1996, is in the stands to view it - with a big cheesy grin on his face, for the record!

5.36pm GMT

6 min: Corner to West Ham down the left. Demel meets the set piece, and nearly flicks into the bottom left from close range. But the ball's deflected out for another corner, which is eventually wasted. This is a lovely open start, both teams clearly with attack very much on their minds.

5.35pm GMT

5 min: Tomkins gifts the ball to Kagawa with an awful square pass inside from the West Ham left. Kagawa advances on the West Ham area from the centre circle, and feeds Mata down the inside left. Mata's in the area, and can see the whites of Adrian's eyes, but his shot is poor and straight at the keeper. "David Moyes really IS a football genius," opines David Da-Costa. "Statistically David Moyes is Manchester United's second most successful manager with a 54.55% win ratio. And you can make of that what you will." I'm not far short of totally innumerate, David, it's why I never do the cricket, or get paid well. But better folk than me could get 800 breezy words out of that.

5.34pm GMT

3 min: Young makes a nuisance of himself down the right, forcing McCartney into the concession of a cheap corner. From the set piece, United work the ball through a couple of phases out on the right wing. Young picks up possession and whips a cross in for Fellaini, who heads down towards the bottom right from six yards, level with the left post. It's going in, but Carroll is doing his defensive duty, and shins it off the line. Manchester United unlucky to pick up where they left off against Olympiakos. Great play all round, and I'm including someone connecting ball with shin in that.

5.31pm GMT

2 min: Taylor is not that far away from rolling a pass into space for Demel to romp into down the right. But he undercooks it, and a chance to test this makeshift Manchester United defence early doors is gone.

5.30pm GMT

OK, so we've already had a 6-0, a 5-0, a 3-6 and a 3-2 in the Premier League today. Can these two pop in at least five as well? We'll soon find out, because they've kicked off! And, amid a storm of pre-match bubbles, it's Manchester United who get us going, and they're kicking away from the tube station, towards the stand furthest away from the tube station.

5.26pm GMT

The teams are out! West Ham United are in their world-famous claret and blue clobber ...

4.45pm GMT

West Ham United recall Matthew Taylor and James Collins: Adrian, Demel, Tomkins, Collins, McCartney, Diame, Noble, Downing, Nolan, Taylor, Carroll.
Subs: Reid, Jarvis, Armero, Jaaskelainen, Carlton Cole, Joe Cole, Nocerino.

Manchester United utilise Michael Carrick as a centre back, by the looks of it: De Gea, Rafael, Jones, Carrick, Buttner, Young, Fletcher, Fellaini, Mata, Kagawa, Rooney.
Subs: Evra, Lindegaard, Hernandez, Nani, Welbeck, Cleverley, Januzaj.

4.30pm GMT

Which West Ham United will come out to play this evening? The team miserably whipped around the turn of the year in competitions various by Manchester United, Liverpool, Nottingham Forest and Manchester City? The one that recently hauled itself out of the relegation places in spectacular style with four wins on the bounce? The one that's lost the next two? Good luck in calling that one!

Which Manchester United will come out to play this evening? Good luck in calling that one! For David Moyes's erratic side, 3-0 has been the recent order of the day. Their last three games all ended in the scoreline: an impressive win at West Brom against a side good enough to hold Arsenal, Liverpool and Chelsea at home this season; a miserable no-show against Liverpool; some throwback thrills of cavalier brilliance against Olympiakos.

West Ham v Manchester United – as it happened | Scott Murray

Minute-by-minute report: Wayne Rooney scored a wonder goal, and a faintly amusing one too, as Manchester United won away from home again. Scott Murray was watching

Scott Murray

Chelsea v Arsenal as it happened | Scott Murray

Arsenal were on the wrong end of a battering, a debatable penalty decision and a case of mistaken identity, as Arsene Wenger's 1,000th-match celebrations turned sour

All the best images from Stamford Bridge

2.38pm GMT

A full 83 minutes after this game was over, the game is over. Chelsea were stunning today, and we shouldn't let the brouhaha over the penalty and mistaken red card obscure the fact. They go seven clear of today's "opponents" in third, and Liverpool in second. As for Arsenal... well, let's not riff on their pain. It's a horror show for Arsene Wenger in his 1,000th match in charge of a club he's served with distinction. At least one person's celebrations haven't been spoilt by events reported in this MBM: "Anna says thanks for all the birthday wishes," writes Simon McMahon. "She still wants a pony though. I've told her that if she's a good girl and can wait until the summer, I'll see if I can get her the Arsenal manager's job. Cos she likes donkeys too."

2.36pm GMT

90 min +1: There will be two added minutes. Rosicky hammers a shot straight at Cech. Jose Mourinho disappears down the tunnel before the final whistle. He gets pelters for this sort of thing, but today it might not be so bad. By doing this, he's ensured Wenger doesn't have to suffer the embarrassment of a handshake.

2.34pm GMT

90 min: "There's only one team in London," holler the home fans. There's only one London team left in the title race, you'd have thought, after these six hammer blows. A three-horse race, if you will. "Mac Millings' missing 11th player (85 min) could be 'Gibbs away penalties'," suggests Brian Rafferty, "but that would just be unfair."

2.33pm GMT

88 min: Ivanovic clatters Cazorla to the floor with the shoulder charge of a hoodlum. The free kick, by Arteta from a dangerous position near the left-hand corner flag, is an appalling waste of time. Arsenal won't even be getting a bitter consolation. "I agree with with Charles Morgan (76 min)," replies David Johnston-Raw. "In the mane it's been an un-bridled success for Jose. Arsenal's only hope would appear to play some hoofball, hoping Giroud can get the bit between his teeth."

2.29pm GMT

85 min: If this scoreline stays the same, it's Chelsea's biggest ever win over Arsenal. "On such a special occasion, I thought I'd throw together a Wenger Tribute XI, celebrating the great man's 1,000 games in charge," writes Mac Millings. "Half way through, the game started, and the eleven took a bit of a turn ...

2.28pm GMT

84 min: Schurrle wheechs a low shot inches wide of goal from a position down the right channel. Inches away from a carbon copy of his seventh-minute strike.

2.26pm GMT

83 min: Salah, to the right of the D, attempts a curler into the top left. It finds the top-left corner of the Matthew Harding Stand.

2.24pm GMT

81 min: Ivanovic fires a low cross into the Arsenal box from the right. It's straight down Szczesny's throat, and just as well too, because Torres was lurking. "The ref should credit one of the Chelsea goals to the wrong player," suggests Michael Harker. "You know, even things up a bit."

2.22pm GMT

79 min: I wonder what Wigan Athletic make of this?

2.21pm GMT

77 min: Cazorla, poor determined Cazorla, has a sniff down the inside-left channel, but Cahill slides in before he can reach the ball and take a consolation whack at goal.

2.20pm GMT

76 min: Poor old Arsene Wenger, who is sitting on the bench, arms crossed, hands tightly tucked under his armpits. "Someone should remind David Johnston-Raw (59 mins) that the game's not over yet," writes Charles Morgan. "Don't go putting the cart before the horse."

2.18pm GMT

74 min: Arsenal are currently 1,000-1 to win this game. Which seems a bit tight to me. Bookmakers never got rich by giving away free money, I guess.

2.17pm GMT

73 min: Torres still hasn't scored, mind.

2.16pm GMT

Arsenal may want to go home, but their back line probably shouldn't have buggered off yet. Salah bends his run just inside the Arsenal half, and scampers after a Luiz rake down the left channel. He's free on goal, and slaps confidently into the bottom right. This is a rout. This, let's remember, is Arsene Wenger's 1,000th game in charge of Arsenal. His worst defeat is that 8-2 at Manchester United. He's not ever lost by seven, though. Twenty minutes to go ...

2.13pm GMT

69 min: Luiz takes a belt from distance. Szczesny gathers the low shot at the second attempt, but only just, with Torres sniffing around. Arsenal really do need to watch themselves here.

2.11pm GMT

67 min: Oscar, his work done, departs for Salah.

2.11pm GMT

Oscar, to the left of the D, whips a shot towards the bottom right. Szczesny should deal with it, but only succeeds in weakly palming the ball into the net. Oxlade-Chamberlain would have saved that.

2.09pm GMT

65 min: With Cech meandering along the front edge of his penalty box, Giroud attempts to score from the halfway line. He doesn't connect properly, but hats off to the striker for chutzpah on a difficult day for Arsenal.

2.08pm GMT

64 min: Regarding Chelsea's run-in, they do, of course, still have to go to Anfield. Much depends on whether Liverpool can stay on their tail until the end of April, but if Brendan Rodgers side manage that, and Chelsea come out of the blocks like they've done today, that could be quite a shoot-out.

2.07pm GMT

62 min: Torres dribbles down the right, then checks and cuts back for Oscar, who tries to sidefoot home from the edge of the box. Szczesny tips over, but Chelsea don't get the corner. Given what's happened here, Arsenal probably deserve that at least.

2.05pm GMT

60 min: Cazorla breaks into the area down the inside left, then drags a low shot across Cech and just a couple of inches wide right of the Oxlade-Chamberlain Post. So unlucky, and so close to a consolation goal for the tattered, battered visitors.

2.03pm GMT

59 min: Schurrle threatens to break down the right, but he's a touch offside. He feigns annoyance at the decision, but it's all a bit pantomime, he knows as well as anyone that all the crucial acts have already been played out this afternoon. "I'd like to add my birthday wishes to Anna," writes David Johnston-Raw. "Sadly the only pony round here is the way Arsenal are playing. Arsene could be saddled with a very heavy defeat today. At least the game looks more stable now."

2.01pm GMT

57 min: Free kick for Arsenal, 30 yards out, just to the right of the target. Arteta chips forward aimlessly. This game is drifting along at the moment.

1.59pm GMT

54 min: A fairly subdued atmosphere at Stamford Bridge right now. The Arsenal fans ... well you can understand that. Chelsea supporters, this match done and dusted long ago, will be thinking about a fixture list that doesn't have very many difficult games left on it.

1.56pm GMT

52 min: Rosicky is booked for flipping Azpilicueta into the air like a fried egg. No arguments about that particular decision, huh.

1.55pm GMT

50 min: Fair play to Wenger, who is sitting on the bench with his feet up, kidding on he doesn't care, an insouciant look on his phizog. He might, actually, be past caring. His players have let him down in a big match yet again. "Big props to Simon McMahon, for brilliantly playing the long game with his MBM contributions," writes Matt Dony, who in fairness is not that far behind. "Every Monday night spent being witty about Fulham vs Stoke, every early-morning batting collapse bemoaned, every Sergio Garcia breakdown monitored, all culminating in this moment. Saving himself the outlay on a pony, and the subsequent running costs incurred. Time well spent, and great to see a plan coming together so perfectly. Simon, I bow to you."

1.53pm GMT

47 min: A brisk start to the half for Chelsea, as you'd expect. First Torres attempts to batter one into the bottom right from close range, having worked his way down the flank, then Luiz has a go. Neither can force home. Arsenal want this half over already.

1.52pm GMT

And we're off again! A couple of changes for Arsenal, with Jenkinson and Flamini coming on for Koscielny and, yes, Oxlade-Chamberlain. "On a point of pedantry, can a player be adjudged to have prevented a goalscoring opportunity by handball if a shot is going wide (as Hazard's shot was)?" asks Jeleznyi O'Connor. "Throw in the mistaken identity and it's a cock-up within a cock-up." Technically, yes, though the margins were so slight, I'm not sure the referee can be blamed for that part of the incident. In real time, it looked like an on-target shot was saved, and seeing the intent was there, it's hardly a huge karmic injustice. Had it been the correct player, of course.

1.42pm GMT

HALF-TIME ENTERTAINMENT:

1.37pm GMT

INTRODUCING A NEW HALF-TIME FEATURE TODAY'S BIRTHDAYS! (No1 in a series of 1) "It's my daughter Anna's birthday today," writes Simon McMahon. "She wants a pony, but I think getting a mention on the MBM is worth more. I'm right, aren't I? That's Anna McMahon, 12. Help me out here. Please." It's the least we can do, Simon, seeing your MBM output is second only to that of Gary Naylor. You've contributed so many words, the Guardian is probably legally obliged by now to give you full employment rights. But they're not going to do that, so this will have to do instead ...

Happy birthday, Anna! Have a lovely day! Your daddy's worked his fingers to the bone for this, give the old man a hug! And perhaps this fellow a sugarcube ...

1.33pm GMT

Rosicky gets a shot on target for Arsenal, cutting in from the right, but it's straight at Cech and met by both the keeper and some ironic cheers. And that's that for the opening period. There are some halves of football you can rationalise, and others you can't. Never mind the Gibbs-Ox penalty farce, the big question is: what on earth is Wenger telling his team ahead of these big matches?

1.31pm GMT

45 min: Cazorla really is trying his best to keep Arsenal afloat. He flicks the ball to Giroud down the left. The striker hammers a low shot into the side netting. His early chance seems so very long ago now.

1.30pm GMT

44 min: Matic attempts to curl one into the top-left corner from 25 yards, but the ball balloons off an Arsenal back, taking the sting out of the shot. "Please don't bring Spurs into this (18 mins)," pleads James Chambers. "Us Spurs fans need to enjoy it while we can."

1.28pm GMT

Schurrle flicks a lovely ball down the right for Torres, who is able to romp clear into acres of space along the wing. With Oscar screaming for the ball in the middle, Torres looks to have held on too long, but he eventually fires a low cross towards the near post, where Oscar, rushing in, roofs home. This is a humiliation already, and we're not even at half time.

1.26pm GMT

41 min: After Torres and Schurrle juggle the ball awhile on the right-hand corner of the Arsenal box, Hazard lashes a wild shot high into the Shed End. "This is all Özil's fault, right?" asks Tracy Mohr.

1.24pm GMT

38 min: Penalty farce aside, this is some response by Chelsea to that bonkers defeat at Aston Villa, isn't it? I wonder if all their remaining matches this season are going to spiral out of control in the grand fashion? We're two on the spin already.

1.21pm GMT

36 min: There's a party atmosphere in Stamford Bridge all right, but not exactly the sort Arsenal and Wenger were hoping for. Cazorla is doing his level best to raise the mood, dropping a shoulder to make a little space to the left of the Chelsea D, but Azpilicueta quickly closes him down before he can get a shot away.

1.19pm GMT

33 min: Cazorla tries to make something happen down the Arsenal left, but this already looks futile. Collectively, Arsenal's body language is of abject defeat, all slumped shoulders and backs turned, players not really wanting to receive the ball. "Some respect is due to Wenger on this anniversary day," suggests Charles Antaki. "Can you ask the Guardian compositors to set the rest of this column in something appropriate, maybe black-letter Gothic?"

1.17pm GMT

30 min: A low Schurrle screamer is heading for the bottom left. It's deflected, too, which doesn't help Szczesny, but the keeper manages to fingertip it an inch or so wide of the left-hand post. Nothing comes of the corner, but Arsenal are really struggling here.

1.15pm GMT

28 min: This penalty incident has now broken re-run records previously set by the Zapruder film. Gibbs was standing fairly close to Oxlade-Chamberlain when the dreadful deed was done, by the looks of it. Which doesn't excuse the mistake, but kind of explains it. "Gibbs should protest by coming back out and warming up in Walcott's shirt," quips Waqas Mir.

1.12pm GMT

25 min: Arsenal can't get hold of the ball. Chelsea are quite content to stroke it around the middle right now. All of this penalty nonsense has obscured the fact that Arsenal have yet to turn up.

1.09pm GMT

23 min: Wenger makes a switch, hooking Podolski and shoring things up with the addition of Vermaelen.

1.09pm GMT

22 min: Slow-mo pictures clearly show Oxlade-Chamberlain admitting to the referee that he handled the ball, but the referee had none of it. The shot wasn't going in, either. Not quite. You'll not be hearing the last of this, I'll be bound. On the touchline, Arsene Wenger looks crestfallen, as well he might. How to ruin a celebration, eh?

1.05pm GMT

18 min: So far, away to their title rivals, Arsenal are 14-4 down in 198 minutes of football. Arsenal want to have a long, hard look at themselves. As, come to think of it, do Spurs.

1.03pm GMT

Hazard waits for Szczesny to committ himself, which he does, to the right. Hazard then belts the ball down the middle. This is a farce!

1.02pm GMT

15 min: THIS IS A TOTAL SHAMBLES! PENALTY TO CHELSEA! AND A RED CARD FOR GIBBS! Hazard is in space, in the left-hand portion of the Arsenal box. He lays off to Torres, who faffs about. Eventually the ball's given back to Hazard, who looks to curl the ball into the bottom right! Oxlade-Chamberlain, at full stretch, tips the ball round the post. It's a penalty, and he's got to walk. But the referee sends off Gibbs instead! Dear oh dear! Arsenal are in total disarray, and the referee's caught the bug too!

12.59pm GMT

13 min: A long hoick down the left channel, and Schurrle is so nearly free in the Arsenal area. He can't quite meet the ball with a telescopic leg.

12.57pm GMT

11 min: Arsenal look visibly shocked, much as you'd expect. To a man, they're rickety and nervous in possession. Oxlade-Chamberlain looks to steady the ship with a romp down the inside-right channel, but with Chelsea momentarily on the back foot, he's more than happy to buy a foul off Luiz, hoping for nothing more than calming the stadium down a bit by stopping the play for a while. Good luck with that.

12.54pm GMT

9 min: It's not all good news for Chelsea. Eto'o is down on the floor, his legs stretched out, his fingers doing that roly-poly sub-me mime. His hamstring has gone. He gets up, limps off, and is replaced by Fernando Torres.

12.53pm GMT

Happy 1,000th matchday to yooooo-ooooou! Schurrle latches onto a Cahill pass, rolled down the right wing. He's got Eto'o in attendance, but doesn't need him. Schurrle romps towards the box, then arrows a low shot into the bottom left-hand corner. Eto'o's corner. What a start by Chelsea! This is an Anfieldian start by Arsenal, who are all over the shop!

12.51pm GMT

Schurrle makes good towards the Arsenal area, then slides the ball to his right for Eto'o. The Cameroonian cuts in from the wing, enters the area, takes a touch, and curls a delightful finish across Szczesny and into the bottom left! Happy 1,000th game, Arsene!

12.50pm GMT

4 min: Well, this is end to end all right! First Chelsea break through the Arsenal back line, but Schurrle is a yard offside. Then Giroud is free on the edge of the Chelsea area, to the left of the D, but his low shot towards the bottom right is parried by Cech. And then Chelsea fly up the other end, where ...

12.49pm GMT

3 min: Koscielny gives the ball away, allowing Schurrle to curl a delicious ball into the area from the right. Eto'o is about to latch onto the pass, but Szczesny, busy early on, is quickly off his line to clear.

12.48pm GMT

2 min: Arsenal push Chelsea back into their own half without particularly doing much with the ball. "Mourinho will do Whatever It Takes (intentional capitalistaion)," begins Rob Moline. "Wenger is a purist, beautiful football on a self-sustaining basis. Mourinho teams will always win against Wenger teams. Mourinho teams will always win trophies; Wenger teams will always struggle in the big games. Different people, different outlooks, different teams; and while Mourinho will always win I still admire Wenger and enjoy watching his team play. But if the Arsenal suits want trophies, they've got to get rid of him." Oh Rob! Working a man over at his own party! You haven't put any special liquids in the punch, have you?

12.47pm GMT

1 min: A few seconds gone, and Szczesny is forced to sell Oscar one hell of a dummy, not a million miles from his own goal-line! In fairness to the keeper, he executes it marvellously, and will be well within his rights to deliver his defenders a massive bollocking for dropping him in it like that.

12.46pm GMT

And we're off! It's a lovely sunny day in west London. And a blistering atmosphere raining down from the stands, too. Much as you'd expect in a derby as big as this. And one at the business end of the title race, too! A fairly friendly handshake between the two managers on the touchline, and then Chelsea get the game going, kicking towards the Shed End in the first half.

12.42pm GMT

The teams are out! Chelsea are decked out in their beloved blue ...

12.01pm GMT

Chelsea call up David Luiz, Andre Schurrle and Nemanja Matic: Cech, Ivanovic, Cahill, Terry, Azpilicueta, Luiz, Matic, Schurrle, Oscar, Hazard, Eto'o.
Subs: Lampard, Torres, Mikel, Salah, Ba, Schwarzer, Kalas.

Arsenal - with Wenger looking for a first victory over Jose Mourinho's Chelsea at the 11th attempt - name an unchanged side from the north London derby: Szczesny, Sagna, Mertesacker, Koscielny, Gibbs, Arteta, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Rosicky, Cazorla, Podolski, Giroud.
Subs: Vermaelen, Flamini, Fabianski, Sanogo, Jenkinson, Kallstrom, Gnabry.

11.45am GMT

Happy 1,000th matchday to Arsène Wenger, then. Happy matchday to yooooo-ooooou! So here's an interesting thing, seeing we're in the business of marking time. Exactly ten years ago, give or take a couple of days, Chelsea hosted Arsenal in the first leg of the quarter-finals of the Champions League. The game ended 1-1, Robert Pires cancelling out Eidur Gudjohnsen's opener, and with Marcel Desailly receiving his marching orders towards the end of the match, most folk had the tie marked down as advantage Arsenal. But a couple of weeks later, Wayne Bridge shocked Wenger's men at Highbury with a late sucker punch, and it was Claudio Ranieri's side who advanced to the semis.

Chelsea v Arsenal – as it happened | Scott Murray

Minute-by-minute report: Arsenal were on the wrong end of a battering, a debatable penalty decision and a case of mistaken identity, as Arsene Wenger's 1,000th-match celebrations turned sour. Scott Murray was watching

Scott Murray

Champions League quarter-final draw as it happened | Scott Murray

The hardest draw for United and a winnable one for Chelsea

12.44pm GMT

And with that, well close this report. No official response from United yet, but in fairness theyve got the left-over vol-au-vents to shift, so first things first for these hard-working delegates. Those desirous of up-to-the-minute reaction from the Old Trafford representatives should keep their eyes peeled on this very site; well have all the breaking news as and when it happens. And if the worst comes to the worst, and nobody says anything, ever, then the Fiver will make something up. Have a lovely day!

12.39pm GMT

United might be in two minds over exactly how great this draw is for them, but you cant write off a club with their recent European pedigree. With this in mind, Bayern are talking their chances down. Phillip Lahm weve already heard from, and now club suit and all-round German legend Matthias Sammer has added:

We should talk modestly and with the highest respect for Manchester United. I consider the tie winnable but dangerous. On good days, they are really dangerous. Weve got to make sure they dont have two good days.

12.29pm GMT

Hot Chelsea chit-chat! Jose Mourinho has been kidding on that he doesnt care, so the club have wheeled out top suit Ron Gourlay.

It was always going to be tough, there are only top, top teams left, but we will be ready come the first game. Our form is good, and we have a lot of games between now and the end of the season. Well try to win every game, by focusing on one game at a time. Well treat PSG with the utmost respect. Every team left has won a European competition of some form, and any team can go out.

12.19pm GMT

The Europa League draw has been made, by the way. And here we go:

12.05pm GMT

And Barcelona are also riding on the 1203 Platitude Express to Tritesville, nr. Hackney. Heres their sporting director Andoni Zubizarreta, reflecting on a draw thats paired them with a side theyve yet to beat in three meetings this season:

Considering the teams that were in the draw I dont know if we would swap for anyone else as they would all be very tough ties. We are seeing in La Liga this season that Atletico are one of the strongest teams in Europe right now.

12.01pm GMT

Meanwhile Bayern arent taking Manchester United lightly, which given the history between the two teams is fair enough. Heres their captain Philipp Lahm:

We should not be blinded by their current position in the league because they have outstanding players. We have to perform according to what we can and if we do that we have good chances of reaching the semi-finals.

12.00pm GMT

The deafening silence in Nyon has finally been broken. OK, more to the point, Ive managed to find some quotes at last. And Dortmund CEO Hans-Joachim Watzke isnt best pleased with how the days panned out for his side.

We would have liked to get someone else. Real is the worlds biggest football club. But there is no easy draw here at this stage. We just have to be as best prepared as possible. It will take an enormous effort from everyone to do well. Obviously we had a great team last year; whether or not we can raise the level of our game we will see.

11.38am GMT

Thats not the worst draw for Chelsea, who will fancy their chances against PSG in a way they might not had they been paired with the Bayerns and Barcas of this world. Will it have an effect on the Premier League title race? A fair chance theyll have to fit in a semi-final now, against one of Europes big hitters to boot, which might be good news for Manchester City, Liverpool and Arsenal, all of whose beady magpie eyes are on that particular prize - and have no European commitments themselves.

11.29am GMT

The pre-draw odds are yesterdays news now. Bayern are still favourites to win the trophy, their odds shortening to 7-4, while Real Madrid and Barcelona are both hovering around the 7-2 mark, that price slightly less generous too. Chelsea are pretty much as they were, but you can get Manchester United as far out as 36-1! Borussia Dortmund appear to be 38-1 outsiders, which puts paid to the self-deprecating theories of both David Moyes and the pre-draw jibber-jabber of Jose Mourinho.

11.24am GMT

Instant reaction, platitudes, etc., to come in a wee while. Tum te tum. While were killing time, heres Simon McMahon: Regarding a new pot for the winners of this competition, an oversize Champions League chequebook and pen would be quite tasteful dont you think? And instead of a final, we could have a supermatch game.

11.17am GMT

And now, in an easy-on-the-eye arrangement ...

11.15am GMT

And the final tie: Manchester United will, of course, host the reigning champions, Bayern Munich! So much for poor old David Moyess post-Olympiakos feelgood boost - but then again, 1999 and all that. You never know!

11.14am GMT

The third tie: Paris Saint-Germain are the first-leg hosts of ... Chelsea!

11.13am GMT

The second tie: Real Madrid will be at home in the first leg, and theyll be up against ... Borussia Dortmund!

11.12am GMT

The first tie: Barcelona will play their first match at home - and theyll face 1974 finalists Atlético Madrid!

11.11am GMT

While we wait for the Uefa blowhard to complete a drone that would put Ravi Shankar to shame, and because I cant think of anything else to write, lets remind ourselves how many European Cups this years quarter-finalists have gobbled up:

11.06am GMT

Right! Its on! The delegates have wolfed down as many gratis vol-au-vents and glasses of bucks fizz as possible, and now its down to business. Some Uefa suit or other, it doesnt really matter who, is currently running through the rules of the draw. Must it be that difficult? Back in 1956 its a well-known fact that people were way bigger than they are now, hence the seemingly smaller scale of that noble trophy, writes Ian Copestake, who is bored. I myself as a wee nipper struggled to hold aloft said trophy while on a tour on Liverpools trophy room in the 1980s. I am living proof of how small humans have become since 1956. You wouldnt have caught Norma Desmond talking like this.

10.58am GMT

The odds ahead of the draw: Bayern Munich are the favourites, a best-priced 2-1; Real Madrid and Barcelona can both be got at 4s; Chelsea can be backed as far out as 14; while Manchester United are 22-1 outsiders in some places. Lump on, people who recall Istanbul 05 and Munich 12! Lump on! Yesterday marked the vernal equinox, but today marks the venal equinox in which greed prevails, begins Ian Copestake, utterly incapable as usual of passing on a pun. Why is the European Cup still the trophy on offer when this competition divorced itself from that legendary do-or-die affair years ago? They should be playing for some massive silver-plated iPod instead, complete with oversize headphones of course. A fine idea. Or, because the trophy had already long been upsized from its original graceful proportions, Uefa should finally be done with it and produce a distended, 50-foot-tall behemoth in which the winning squad can sit, peering out over the edge, waving. With their oversize headphones on.

10.44am GMT

Mourinho speaks! He always speaks. But hes been chatting specifically about the draw, and heres what he has to say, courtesy of our man in the field, Dominic Fifield. Firstly, Jose was asked what the best outcome would be for Chelsea.

Nothing to choose. All the big teams are there. Sometimes you have in the quarter-final an outsider, somebody that nobody was expecting to be there, a team with less experience or less potential. Thats not the case. Were very, very calm because we know whats waiting for us. Its balanced, but balanced by the top. The big candidates are there. All the big teams, the teams of the moment but also the teams with history. So we have to be really happy to be among the best teams.

No. Its as I was saying. The most difficult opponents you can get in European football are all there. All of them maybe want us. I believe so. Because Chelsea are maybe the most outsider of the group, maybe us and Manchester United because all the other guys... you have the two finalists from last season, the winner and the runner-up; you have the two Spanish giants; you have Atletico, obviously a fantastic team over the last couple of years; you have Paris, with everything they represent. Maybe they look at the draw and look at us and maybe Man United, because they are not having a great season, and consider us the two clubs that all of them, they want.

10.34am GMT

Dates for your diaries (if you still have a diary, and arent planning your modern e-life on a cloud somewhere, or wherever it is you internet pop kids live these days). The first legs of the quarter finals will take place on April Fools Day, a boon for lazy satirists, and Wednesday 2 April, with the return legs and all manner of tiresome controversies kicking off on Tuesday 8 April and Wednesday 9 April. Two days after all thats done and dusted, and the papers have just about stopped droning on about some fabricated brouhaha or other, its the semi-final draw! And also the draw for the final, which sounds unnecessary but it decides who gets to wear their first kit, is given the dressing room with hot running water and unblocked lavvies, etc. But were getting a long way ahead of ourselves here.

10.17am GMT

Spring has sprung! Yesterday marked the vernal equinox in the northern hemisphere. A new beginning. Flowers bud. Chicks hatch. A more gentle, warmer breeze tickles the saggy bits that are beginning to form under your chin. Its a new dawn, its a new day, and were feeling good (as the bloke who created arch miserablist Gurney Slade once sang). But while nature becomes a thing of warm, cuddly, joyous wonder once again, its got nothing on the blooming splendour of the Uefa Champions League, which has reached the quarter-final stage, where after months of predictable faffing about, the competition suddenly becomes interesting. Very interesting indeed.

Now, to be fair, you wouldnt have been going too far out on a limb if you had predicted this final eight at the start of the campaign. Last years winners Bayern Munich. Last years losing finalists Borussia Dortmund. Last years losing semi-finalists, Barcelona and Real Madrid. Moneybags Paris Saint-Germain, who gave Barca such a good game in the quarters last year. Chelsea, the 2012 winners.

Arsenal.
Manchester United, the hardy perennials of the Champions League. And Atlético Madrid well, perhaps Atlético represent a slight curved ball, but even then the signs were strong early in the campaign that something was stirring at the Vicente Calderón.

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Football transfer rumours: Luis Suárez to Manchester City?

Today's gossip is adamant that 1973 was only 27 years ago, and you'll not convince it otherwise

Here's a sobering thought to kill that Friday feeling. Fernando Torres – El Niño, the Kid – is 30 years old. Eh? When did that happen? Thursday, that's when! Now there's something to give you pause. The Kid! 30! Decay and death is inevitable, unavoidable, non-negotiable, ladies and gentlemen, and most of us aren't going to realise all that rich potential either. Ah well! Never mind! At least poor Fernando did, a bit, and furthermore he's got a chance to relive his salad days! He'll be off back to alma mater Atlético Madrid, where he can gambol in a carefree fashion, or mope around with a face on in his dotage, it's up to him. Diego Costa will move the other way to Chelsea as part of the deal.

Manchester City plan to keep it simple this summer, and dangle obscene amounts of money under the nose of Luis Suárez, Liverpool's 27-year-old striker. 27! Where is all this time going? What's happening to it? But while the human body rots away to mulch, football teams are capable of regeneration. In that respect, they're a bit like Doctor Who, only they have 22 legs instead of just two, like Oldsen from Local Hero, and the plot lines they're involved in are way more predictable. Liverpool will replace Suárez with 23-year-old Rodrigo of Benfica, thus collectively becoming four years younger in one fell swoop. So much for the Inexorable March Of Time, which has had a number done on it right there.

But never mind Suárez, Manchester City need to sort out this Joe Hart situation at some point. Hart, at 26 years of age, still qualifies as fresh-faced for a goalkeeper. Unfortunately that fresh face often flushes red with embarrassment, or anger, or nauseous confusion. He might have to make way for Geronimo Rulli, a mere pup at 21, who is already looking the real deal at Estudiantes. Time was, of course, that looking the real deal at Estudiantes meant having a talent for sticking pins in opponents while defending corners, breaking opposing players' noses/glasses, or getting involved in mass brawls and ending up being banged in the slammer by your country's own president. But as we say, time moves on. He's probably just really good at catching the ball, and parrying it, and stuff.

Manchester United manager David Moyes, who celebrated his 50th birthday last April and is now 67 years old, is interested in Southampton defender Dejan Lovren, who is only 24 but already has a better winning record at Anfield than the man he would be calling boss.

And finally Manchester United, as well as Liverpool, are in the hunt for Xherdan Shaqiri, who can't get a game at Bayern Munich and feels the clock is now against him. "Xherdan is 22," says his brother-agent Erdin. "At his age you need to be playing regularly, and that's not the case." Clever Erdin, who knows that time stops for no man. So please, dear reader, close your browser and go outside. It's a beautiful day, enjoy it. It's later than you think.

Luis SuárezLiverpoolManchester CityScott Murray
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