Scott Murray's Blog, page 205

England v West Germany at Italia '90 as it happened

This is an edited extract from And Gazza Misses The Final, a collection of minute-by-minute reports from classic World Cup matches written by Rob Smyth and Scott Murray (Constable, £8.99). The book includes 22 full games starting with Brazil v Uruguay in 1950 - and a series of magic minutes involving Pele, Benjamin Massing and other greats

4.06pm GMT

(With enormous thanks to guardian.com/sport editor James Dart.)

4.05pm GMT

Its not too trite to say that neither side really deserved to go out. England were the better side in normal time and West Germany in extra time. The Germans will go on to their third consecutive final, hoping to avenge their defeats in 1982 and 1986. England go into a third-place play-off with Italy on Saturday after a night of raw emotion and proud heartbreak that will live with us all for ever. Gazza has tears streaming down his reddened face as he salutes the England fans. Time to listen to World in Motion on loop while drowning a million sweet sorrows.

4.03pm GMT

WADDLE MISSES AND ENGLAND ARE OUT! England 11 West Germany (34 pens) Waddle smashes his penalty inches over the bar although such is its dramatic trajectory it soon looks like hes missed by yards and Englands dream is over. Its the cruellest way to go out, particularly after such a wonderful performance. Many of us have never seen them play better. Waddle sinks to his knees, crestfallen. Matthäus breaks away from the German celebrations to help him to his feet, which is a nice touch from a truly world-class player. Bobby Robson smiles ruefully but also proudly, gently punching the air as if to say, Bugger our luck. He knows how desperately close England were not just to reaching the final but to winning the World Cup. Their campaign started farcically and ended glori­ously. Yes, okay, gloriously and farcically.

4.02pm GMT

THON SCORES! England 34 West Germany. England are on the brink now. Thon places another accurate penalty into the bottom-right corner. Shilton went the right way yet again but, again, got nowhere near it. Itll be Waddle rather than Gascoigne, who is presumably too much of an emotional wreck to take a penalty, and if he doesnt score England are out.

4.01pm GMT

PEARCE MISSES! England 33 West Germany. Oh no. Stuart Pearce, so reliable from the spot for Nottingham Forest, has had his kick saved by Illgner. In truth it wasnt a great penalty, blasted almost straight down the middle but low enough so that, even though Illgner had dived to his right, he was able to save it with his feet.

4.01pm GMT

RIEDLE SCORES! England 33 West Germany. Again Shilton goes the right way and again hes nowhere near saving it. In fact, it seems hes waiting to see where the kick is going before he dives. Thats a dodgy tactic because the German penalties are so accurate. That one, from Riedle, was whipped high into the right of the net.

4.00pm GMT

PLATT SCORES! England 32 West Germany. That was a bit close for comfort. Platt sidefooted it to his left but it was at a saveable height and Illgner managed to get fingertips on it. Thankfully for England it was far enough out of his reach that he couldnt get a full hand on it and he could only help it into the net. Platt trots back to the halfway line with the nervous smile of a man who has avoided a firing squad.

4.00pm GMT

MATTHAUS SCORES! England 22 West Germany. You dont save those. Matthäus booms a frighteningly certain penalty low to Shiltons right. Shilton went the right way again but was getting nowhere near that.

3.59pm GMT

BEARDSLEY SCORES! England 21 West Germany. Beardsley shuffles forward a little nervously then takes another excellent penalty, high to his right. Illgner went the right way but couldnt get near it.

3.58pm GMT

BREHME SCORES! England 11 West Germany. An even better penalty, placed carefully into the bottom-left corner with his right foot. Shilton dived the right way but it was a wonder­fully accurate penalty, right into the side-netting. When Brehme took a penalty at the 1986 World Cup he used his left foot. You cant get much more two-footed than that.

3.58pm GMT

LINEKER SCORES! England 10 West Germany. Did you expect anything else? Lineker drills it confidently into the left side of the net as Illgner dives the other way.

3.57pm GMT

Before Sundays game against Cameroon, England had not had a penalty for four years. Now they will have taken at least seven in four days. There are 17 years between the goalkeepers: Peter Shilton, 40, and Bodo Illgner, 23. Illgner will be first in action because England are going to kick first. Itll be Lineker, in fact.

3.54pm GMT

With England hanging on for dear life, the referee blows five seconds early. So England are into virgin territory: a penalty shoot-out. Both sets of players embrace warmly. This has been a cracking game and theres a general recognition that neither side deserves to lose. The mutual respect is quite moving.

3.52pm GMT

118 min: NOW BUCHWALD HITS THE POST! Can you take any more of this? Germany were so close to winning the match there. Riedle broke forward from the halfway line and played the ball to the right of the box for Matthäus, who came inside and had his left-footed shot blocked by Pearce. It broke to Buchwald the bloody centre-back who controlled it calmly 20 yards from goal and then, using Steven as a screen, placed a lovely curler to the left of Shilton that bounced up on to the outside of the post! Unbelievable stuff.

3.52pm GMT

117 min: The corner comes to nothing and Germany break dan­gerously. Augenthaler drills a superb 40-yard pass to Klinsmann, who heads it beyond the last man Walker and, for a moment, looks like he has him beaten for pace. Dont be silly. Walker catches him up on the right of the box, stays on his feet and makes a superb interception. He has been simply majestic.

3.51pm GMT

116 min: John Motson says that Bobby Robson told him this afternoon that the five penalty takers, if needed, would be Lineker, Beardsley, Gascoigne, Pearce and Platt. We almost didnt need them because Illgner fumbled Stevens cross from the left awkwardly over his own bar for a corner.

3.50pm GMT

115 min: England are starting to look tired now. Brehme, a man with two right feet, zips infield from the left and plays a one-two with Riedle before spanking a vicious right-footed shot just over the bar from 20 yards. Shilton had it covered but it came right off the sweet spot.

3.50pm GMT

114 min: GOOD SAVE FROM SHILTON! Thon has far too much space to take possession on the edge of the D and shape a lovely right-footed curler towards the far post. Shilton springs a long way to his left to catch the ball a slightly showy save but still a good one.

3.47pm GMT

113 min: Its credit to Platt and Gascoigne in particular that Matthäus has been so quiet as an attacking force tonight. He has had his hands full defensively.

3.47pm GMT

Level was offside in 1990. Even so this (after 116m) could easily have been given: http://t.co/YUuiq0GWrV

3.46pm GMT

112 min Platt, arriving late in the box, leaps almost backwards to head Parkers flat cross over the bar from the penalty spot.

3.45pm GMT

111 min: PLATT HAS A GOAL DISALLOWED! From the resulting free-kick, swung in by Waddle, Platt flicked a smart header past Illgner but he had been flagged offside a split-second earlier. There are no complaints but that was seriously tight. The Germans pushed up but Berthold stayed a bit deeper and was so close to playing Platt onside. He was level at worst, as was Gascoigne further across the line. Platt was fractionally onside and Gascoigne fractionally off. So its the right decision but it was painfully close.

3.44pm GMT

110 min: Gascoigne shields the ball down the right wing and Brehme simply boots him up in the air from behind. Thats an appalling tackle much worse than Gascoignes on Berthold and he is rightly booked. Brehme and Gascoigne shake hands and pat each other on the head. Theres been a huge amount of goodwill in this game. You have to admire Gascoignes response to that yellow card. If anything its given him a second wind.

3.43pm GMT

109 min: Riedle nutmegs Walker down the left and toe-bungs a dangerous cross towards Klinsmann. Gascoigne, running towards his own goal at the near post, just manages to divert the ball away from Klinsmann.

3.41pm GMT

107 min: England have switched their wingers so that they are playing on the wrong side: Steven on the left and Waddle on the right. Steven plays a beautiful pass on the turn down the left but Pearce is fractionally offside.

3.40pm GMT

106 min: England kick off the second period of extra time. Fifteen minutes without a goal and England will be involved in their first-ever penalty shoot-out. West Germany have had three: they lost in the final of Euro 76 but won matches at the World Cup in 1982 and 1986.

3.39pm GMT

Who needs a drink?

3.39pm GMT

105 min: WADDLE HITS THE POST! England come within an inch of going ahead with the last kick of the half. When Stevens cross from the left was partially cleared, the same man leapt above Berthold to head it back towards the area. It came to Waddle, 12 yards out on the left side of the box, and he smacked a brilliant first-time shot across Illgner and flush off the inside of the far post. Thats desperately unlucky not least because Platt was within a whisker of putting the rebound in, but it flew off the post so quickly that he couldnt react in time.

3.36pm GMT

103 min: After that initial wobble, Gascoigne has managed to refocus and is doing some diligent defensive work.

3.34pm GMT

101 min: Thon, 25 yards out, swooshes a very good shot not too far wide of the near post. West Germany have been much the better side in this half.

3.33pm GMT

A different angle on Gazza's booking (1h7m into the video). He goes through 472 different emotions in 20 seconds. http://t.co/JVSEoIEvZF

3.32pm GMT

100 min: . . . AND GAZZA MISSES THE FINAL. England have to get there first, of course, but if they do, Gascoigne will not feature against Argentina on Sunday. This is horrible. He is on the cusp of tears and the proud English tradition of the stiff upper lip is taking a serious hit: Gazzas is wobbling all over the place. Lineker says something to Gascoigne and then pulls his Grave Face before saying Have a word with him to the bench. That is just too cruel. It does rather seem that the West Germans got him booked, which is a desperate shame because this game has otherwise been played in an incredibly good spirit. Poor old Gazza. He has been the star of Englands tournament and now his whole world has collapsed. Its not just Gazza, either; English football has just had its heart broken into a million tiny pieces.

3.32pm GMT

99 min: HOLD ON . . . THERE COULD BE TROUBLE HERE . . . Gascoigne overruns the ball in midfield and then lunges with typically naive enthusiasm at Berthold. Its a clear foul but does not merit Bertholds reaction 77 rollovers or that of the rest of the German camp, who are all at the referee, both on the field and from the bench. Gascoigne, realizing the implications, put both hands up in apology like a kid who has used that whoopee cushion on his teacher once too often and will never do it again I promise but please dont punish me this time. He immediately goes to apologize to Berthold. It looks like hes got away with it, for ten seconds at least, but then, with Hitchcockian suddenness, out comes the card . . .

3.31pm GMT

97 min: England are rocking. Beardsley gives the ball away cheaply on the halfway line and, seconds later, Walker just gets in front of Riedle at the near post to put Brehmes cross out for a corner.

3.30pm GMT

96 min: KLINSMANN MISSES ANOTHER CHANCE! West Germany could easily be ahead. Wright came deep with Klinsmann to try to win possession and, as he followed the ball, Klinsmann kept running into the space behind. The ball came to the sweeper Augenthaler, who flipped an inviting angled pass over the top. Klinsmann was free, 12 yards from goal and in line with the left-hand post, but he screwed his left-footed volley across goal and just wide. It was a harder chance than it looked because the pass was coming almost over his shoulder and there was no pace on the ball, but again a player of his class should surely have done better.

3.28pm GMT

95 min: GREAT SAVE FROM SHILTON! Shilton has had scarcely anything to do all night but now produces a superb save from Klinsmann. West Germany moved the ball slowly, all the way across the field from right to left, with Thon eventually shifting it down the line to Brehme. He curled over a wonderful first-time cross and Klinsmann, towering above Walker on the six-yard line, thumped a downward header towards goal. Shilton plunged to his right to make a superb reaction stop with both hands. It wasnt right in the corner, and someone as good in the air as Klinsmann might feel he should have done better, but it was a brilliant save. That mistake against Uruguay just before the tournament seems a long, long time ago.

3.26pm GMT

93 min Pearce wins the first corner of extra-time. Its swung in by Gascoigne and nicks off the head of a defender at the near post, but the stretching Wright can only loop the ball up in the air for Illgner to claim easily.

3.25pm GMT

92 min: A bit of danger for England as West Germany break two on two. Klinsmann runs into the box but is superbly tackled by Walker. He really is imperious.

3.23pm GMT

91 min: West Germany kick off from left to right. England havent used their final substitution.

3.19pm GMT

Bobby Robson is wandering round rallying the troops and giving tactical instructions to Parker; Waddle and Bull are having a laugh about something. England look pretty relaxed. Weve got another half-hour and we might have penalties, says Des Lynam. Are you ready for this?

3.16pm GMT

Hows your ticker? For the third game in a row, England are going to extra time the first time that has ever happened in any World Cup. Its the least they deserve after a fine, sophisticated performance, their best of the tournament by a mile.

3.14pm GMT

89 min: England are passing the ball around at the back and both sides look happy to take extra time now. Thats all well and good for them but some of us planned to watch M*A*S*H on BBC2 at nine.

3.12pm GMT

87 min: A little bit of West German pressure, with an extended series of throw-ins on the right wing, but England defend them comfortably enough. Walker and Wright have been outstanding.

3.10pm GMT

85 min: Beardsley is still on, the plan to introduce Bull having been aborted after the goal.

3.09pm GMT

84 min: Gascoigne nails a glorious 60-yard crossfield pass to Lineker, who is just about to put the ball back in the box when Platt is penalized for some off-the-ball tomfoolery

3.09pm GMT

83 min: Thats Linekers tenth World Cup goal: four this year and six in 1986. What a gem. He started this tournament slowly but has looked really sharp tonight and he took that beautifully. It was a more difficult chance than it looked.

3.07pm GMT

England have saved themselves in the last ten minutes again! Parker swung over a long cross towards Lineker from near the halfway line on the right. It hit the thigh of Kohler, who was running towards his own goal, and as it bounced up Lineker kneed it away from Augenthaler and Berthold before cracking an excellent left-footed shot across goal and into the far corner. The Germans had too many cooks in the box but it was clinical finishing. On the bench Bobby Robson reclines in his seat while wearing the most beautiful smile: warm, benign and extremely proud.

3.06pm GMT

79 min: The tireless Parker runs Brehme down the right to win a corner. Its tossed deep by Beardsley and Wrights looping header is comfortably saved by Illgner. Bobby Robson is about to roll the dice for the last time: Steve Bull is preparing to come on, presum­ably for Beardsley.

3.02pm GMT

75 min: The game is meandering a bit. England are doing okay but West Germany look reasonably comfortable.

2.57pm GMT

71 min: Pearce goes on a barnstorming, leggy surge from the halfway line, all the way to the edge of the box where he falls over after a double challenge from Berthold and Augenthaler. It looked like Berthold got something on the ball but the referee gives the free-kick, 20 yards from goal. This is a great opportunity for Gascoigne but in fact Waddle lays it square to Beardsley, whose shot is blocked desperately by Matthäus. Before the kick was taken, Trevor Steven came on to replace Butcher, so England are back to 4-4-2.

2.55pm GMT

69 min: HOW IS THAT NOT A PENALTY? England are des­perately unlucky here. Waddle, on the left of the box, draws the tackle from Augenthaler with a swing of the hips and then shifts the ball to his left just before Augenthaler takes him down. That is a clear penalty but the referee waves play on. In his defence, nobody appealed Waddle just got straight up with that hangdog gait and on first viewing it was hard to be certain it was a penalty. But when you see the replays there is no doubt whatsoever.

2.53pm GMT

68 min Waddle makes a lovely angled run behind the defence but Gascoigne overhits his through ball this much and that allows the last man Kohler to come across and concede a corner. Kohler has been fantastic tonight.

2.53pm GMT

67 min: West Germany make their second substitution: Stefan Reuter replaces Hässler, who hasnt recovered from the tackle from Pearce that led to Brehmes goal. Reuter is normally a right wing-back but he has gone straight into midfield.

2.52pm GMT

65 min: You have to admire the spirit England have shown since going behind. No sulking or feeling sorry for themselves after such an unfortunate goal; just a quiet determination to get an equalizer. Gascoigne swerves away from Augenthaler on the edge of the area and is baulked. He is so good at taking defend­ers out of the game in the middle of the pitch, a rare quality indeed among midfield players. The free-kick hits the wall and moments later Parker clatters Buchwald, bringing the first yellow card of the game.

2.49pm GMT

63 min: WHAT A CHANCE FOR ENGLAND! That was des­perately close to an equalizer. After he was fouled on the left, Gascoigne swung in a superb free-kick and Pearce, getting in front of Riedle at the near post, flicked a backheader across goal and just wide of the far post with Illgner motionless.

2.48pm GMT

62 min: Matthäus moves away from Butcher far too easily and charges to within 25 yards of Shilton before shooting across goal and well wide. England just need to keep their nerve and make sure they dont go two down because if they do its over.

2.48pm GMT

61 min: Is Shilton at fault for the goal? Difficult to know. His feet didnt move quite as quickly as they might but it was a horrible and unexpected deflection.

2.45pm GMT

It had been coming but England are desperately unlucky with the manner of this goal. Pearce fouled Hässler 22 yards from goal, to the right of centre. The free-kick was touched off to Brehme, whose shot took a vicious deflection off Parker before looping high in the air and agonizingly over the stranded Shilton, who couldnt back-pedal quickly enough and ended up helping it into the net as he fell backwards.

2.44pm GMT

58 min: A lucky escape for England. Matthus goes on a trade­mark robotic charge down the left wing, away from Waddle, Gascoigne and Walker, but when he gets into the box he slips over just as he is about to pick out a cross. England are under siege now, says John Motson.

2.43pm GMT

57 min West Germany are really turning the screw. Matthäus lays the ball back invitingly for Thon, who drags a 25-yard shot well wide of the near post.

2.42pm GMT

56 min: Lineker is flattened by Kohler, who then picks him up and pats his sweaty head. Theres been a lot of that in a match that has been played in a really good spirit.

2.40pm GMT

54 min: This game is extremely open at the moment too open and Wright makes a really important block from Riedle on the edge of the box.

2.38pm GMT

53 min: England win a corner and almost concede a goal within 20 seconds. After Pearce miscontrolled the ball 35 yards from goal, West Germany broke in a flash. Walker tackled Klinsmann but the ball came to Thon, who ran 25 yards into the box before shifting the ball to the left of the last man Parker and hitting a shot that Shilton had to beat away to his left.

2.34pm GMT

49 min A good move from England. Waddle, on the right wing, flips a superb first-time return pass over the top for the onrushing Parker. He gets beyond Brehme and into the box, but his touch is a little heavy and Augenthaler comes across to clear.

2.33pm GMT

48 min: West Germany have started this half as they finished the first and are having a lot of the ball.

2.32pm GMT

47 min: Matthäus plays a dangerous one-two with Riedle before breaking into the box but four England defenders manage to crowd him out.

2.31pm GMT

46 min: West Germany kick off from right to left.

2.18pm GMT

Half-time chit-chat. The BBC boys are full of praise for Walker, with Terry Venables describing him as unbeatable. Thats what they sing. Jimmy Hill, channelling William Morris, says its a pleasure to see an England team give such a display in the arts and crafts of the game.

2.16pm GMT

HALF TIME: England 00 West Germany. After a few hairy minutes, England get the breather they need and deserve for a superb first-half performance: controlled, mature and rousing. There werent any clear-cut chances for either side but its been a very good game.

2.12pm GMT

42 min: GET BEHIND THE SOFA. ITS HAPPENING! West Germany are suddenly all over England, having their best spell of the game by a mile. A sustained spell of high-tempo pos­session in the England half ends with Buchwald failing to win a free-kick on the edge of the area. England are hanging on and could really do with half time.

2.10pm GMT

41 min: West Germanys best chance yet. They win a free-kick 25 yards out, left of centre, and while everyone is expecting a shot Brehme instead lays it square to Augenthaler. He cuts across a very good, swooshing right-footed strike and Shilton has to move smartly to his right to tip it over two-handed, falling off his feet in the process.

2.09pm GMT

39 min: Riedle replaces Völler, who is being helped down the touchline. He must be doubtful for Sundays final when, sorry, if West Germany get there. What a tournament he has had: sent off for being flobbed on in the second round, suspended for the quarter-final, now injured in the semi.

2.08pm GMT

38 min A patient West German move ends with Hassler finding Thon 25 yards out. He dummies Platt and then crunches a good left-footed shot that Shilton saves comfortably despite a potentially awkward bounce just in front of him.

2.07pm GMT

36 min Völler is still down and Karl-Heinz Riedle is getting ready. Völler barely got a kick from Walker, who has been immense. Again.

2.04pm GMT

34 min: CHRIS WADDLE HITS THE BAR FROM 45 YARDS! It wouldnt have counted, as the referee had blown for a foul by Platt a split-second earlier, but that was an incred­ible effort. The ball broke loose off Augenthaler and Waddle lofted it first time towards goal, a golf shot really, and Illgner had to jump backwards to tip it on to the bar. That was reminis­cent of Pelé in 1970 but this time it was a bloody Englishman doing it.

2.03pm GMT

33 min Völler may have to go off here: he deliberately kicked the ball out of play and immediately waved to the physio. It looks like hes pulled something in the back of his leg.

2.00pm GMT

30 min: That was a bit of a scare for England. Völler ran down the right-hand side of the box on to an angled pass from the sweeper Augenthaler. Shilton came to meet him unnecessarily and Völler moved away from him before Gascoigne came round to block his cross. That was an important interception because Shilton was out of the game.

1.58pm GMT

28 min: Platt and Gascoigne play a classy one-two on the halfway line, and Platt keeps running into the space down the left wing, all the way into the area before trying and failing to take on Augenthaler. He should have looked for Waddle or Lineker but that was a rare bit of immaturity from a player who has been one of the surprise joys of this tournament.

1.57pm GMT

27 min: Terry Butcher does a backheel! Weve seen everything now. Butcher, in the centre circle, backheels the ball to Gascoigne and then swans off back to his position with the studied indiffer­ence of a man who has just saved the world but, honestly, its no biggie.

1.54pm GMT

24 min: Another good effort from Gascoigne. Waddles free-kick from the right is headed clear by Klinsmann; it comes to Gascoigne, who controls the ball on his chest 22 yards from goal and then lashes the bouncing ball towards goal. It was a sweet strike but straight at Illgner, who held on.

1.54pm GMT

23 min John Motson reminds us that there are three England players who will miss the match if they get booked tonight: Pearce, Gascoigne and McMahon. West Germany also have three on a yellow card: Berthold, Matthaus and Klinsmann. Argentina will be without four players in Sundays final because of cards they received last night.

1.49pm GMT

19 min: Linekers movement and link play have been really smart. He shifts the ball away from Kohler on the left and hammers over a deep cross towards Parker of all people, and he heads wide under pressure. The BBC co-commentator Trevor Brooking says this is easily Englands best start of the tournament.

1.47pm GMT

17 min: A delightful move from England. Platt, with six West German defenders surrounding him, waits and waits and then plays a smart pass in behind the defence for the onrushing Pearce. He hits a first-time cross towards Lineker at the near post and Kohler slides in desperately to concede a corner. A great tackle, and lovely stuff from England.

1.45pm GMT

15 min: Gazza cockily Cruyff-turns away from Klinsmann on the halfway line. He has been very confident and influential so far, more so than Matthäus. This really is his stage.

1.42pm GMT

12 min: West Germany have their first half-chance. Hässler, a mischievous little player, dupes Butcher on the edge of the box before hitting a left-footed shot that spins off Pearce and not too far wide of the far post.

1.41pm GMT

11 min: England are playing some tidy football, exclaims the BBCs John Motson, shocked by a display of incontrovertible Anglo-competence.

1.40pm GMT

10 min: Another decent opening for England. Beardsley breaks the offside trap on the right wing but, with only Lineker in support, he shanks his cross wide of the near post.

1.38pm GMT

8 min West Germany havent got into this game at all as an attacking force yet. Walker and Wright are jockstrap-tight on Voller and Klinsmann.

1.35pm GMT

5 min: Difficult to know how to break this to you, but England have started brilliantly. Lineker lays a loose ball off to Gascoigne, who shimmies smartly inside Augenthaler on the edge of the box before his thumping left-footed shot is well blocked by Kohler.

1.33pm GMT

3 min: Butcher, rather than Wright, is playing as the spare man at the back. Perhaps they dont trust his legs in a one-on-one against these two quick West German forwards. Walker is taking Völler and Wright is on Klinsmann.

1.32pm GMT

2 min: WHAT A START FROM ENGLAND! England come storming out of the traps and Lineker wins a corner on the right inside 15 seconds. Its taken by Beardsley and half-cleared to the edge of the box, where Gascoigne hooks the bouncing ball back whence it came with his left foot. Its a beautiful effort and, although its swerving just wide of the near post, Illgner leaps to his left to palm it behind. That leads to a second corner, which leads to a third. That leads to nothing but England almost get in again thirty seconds later when Beardsley, played onside by Buchwald, breaks into the box from the left. He has Lineker and Waddle in support but tries to take on Buchwald, who dispos­sesses him well. Rousing stuff from England.

1.29pm GMT

1 min: England kick off from right to left. They are in white; West Germany are in their funky epilepsy-inducing green away kit.

1.27pm GMT

Anthemwatch: The England fans boo the West German anthem. For heavens sake, you bastards. Gascoigne, who has had some absurd criticism from humourless clowns for sticking his tongue out during the anthem, settles for just easing the tip out and smiling gently.

1.25pm GMT

The players are in the tunnel. Wright has a big plaster on his left eye; its a right mess, like someone applied it while blindfolded and high on Hofmeister. Waddle has chopped off his mullet (insert your own Samson joke here). Gascoigne gives Beardsley a kiss on the right cheek. This is just another game in the park to him, isnt it? He has spent the last month taking the piss out of everyone, from Ronald Koeman to Mark Goodier on Top of the Pops, so why should this faze him? West Germany look calm, businesslike and other German clichés. This really is just another game for them, their eighth semi-final out of nine attempts in the last 20 years. You probably dont need me to tell you how many England have been in during that time. Clue: its less than one.

1.14pm GMT

Back in the studio, homoerotic comedy duo Terry Venables and Jimmy Hill shake hands before saying a word. Lets give it two minutes before they disagree over something. They make for great TV. Alongside them, Bryan Robson exudes the impo­tent frustration of a man looking in on his own party. Hill says he is frightened out of my life. Hes not the only one.

1.03pm GMT

Build-up: The BBC dont say youre watching it on ITV, youll have missed Pavarotti for a start begin their coverage with an obvious but neat montage contrasting the classes of 1966 and 1990. The highlight is Bobby Robson shaking his head back and forth in utter confusion, like a man contemplating the promise of a night of unbridled lust with Cindy Crawford, as he considers the possibility of winning the World Cup: Well . . . Ive been in the game now 40 years . . . it would be lovely to . . . To win the . . . the biggest prize the game had to offer, the world championship. What a lovely man he is.

12.58pm GMT

Bobby Robson said that 442 saved us against Cameroon on Sunday but while that formation will always be his beloved wife, he was always likely to return to his sexy foreign bit on the side against such formidable opposition. That means the extra defensive cover of a sweeper system and just one change from the side that started against Cameroon: Peter Beardsley for the injured John Barnes. Des Walker and Mark Wright have been passed fit, although Wright has six stitches above his left eye. Englands five substitutes include Trevor Steven, so impres­sive when he came on against Cameroon, and Steve Bull of the Second Division.

West Germany bring in two impish schemers, Thomas Hässler and Olaf Thon, for Pierre Littbarski and Uwe Bein. Rudi Völler also returns, having served his one-match suspension for being used as a hankie by Frank Rijkaard; Karl-Heinz Riedle drops to the bench.

11.37am GMT

Are you sitting uncomfortably? Then well begin. This is Englands biggest match for 24 years, since the day some people were on the pitch thinking it was all over. You might want to lie down as you contemplate this, but when England step on to the field to face West Germany tonight, they will be 90 minutes away from a World Cup final.

In real terms, they are arguably already in one. If we can win tonight, were in the final, with a great chance of beating Argentina, says Bobby Robson. Great chance. This is the big one. Germanys the big one. Although Diego Maradonas side played well to lubricate Italian eyes last night, they have otherwise been poor in this tournament and will be without four suspended players for the final, including the superb but very stupid basketball star Claudio Caniggia.

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Manchester United v Olympiakos as it happened

Robin van Persie, with a hat-trick, and David De Gea, with a series of fine saves, were the heroes as United reached the quarters on a memorable night at Old Trafford

In pictures: the best images from Old Trafford

9.37pm GMT

And thats that! What a stunning result for Manchester United, whose season felt over at the weekend - but now theyre in the quarter finals of the Champions League! It was a fantastic win, because Olympiakos came and gave it a good go: they were simply done over by the sharp brilliance of Robin van Persie, and the stunning goalkeeping of David De Gea. David Moyes bounds out of Old Trafford with a dip in his hip, a glide in his stride, and a huge smile playing across his face, despite his modest efforts to keep it reined in. After all the abuse hes copped recently, he deserves this result. One of the great European nights at Old Trafford, the first of the Moyes Era - and suddenly theres the promise of more to come. So will van Persies hat-trick come to be seen as Moyess Mark Robins moment? It just might, mightnt it?

9.36pm GMT

90 min +4: Olympiakos flood forward. Campbell curls a ball into the area from the right. For a second, it looks like floating on a Ronaldinhoesque arc over De Geas head and into the top left, but Uniteds world-class keeper isnt about to have a Seaman moment and steps back to pluck the ball from the sky at the very last minute. Hes been superb.

9.35pm GMT

90 min +3: Giggs plays it short, and United win another corner, precious time ticking by. You didnt expect a goal, did you?

9.34pm GMT

90 min +2: Fellainis first act is to win a corner down the right. From which ...

9.34pm GMT

90 min +1: There will be five added minutes of this.

9.34pm GMT

90 min: Machado, of the opinion that van Persie is swinging the lead, is yellow carded for making that point rather too forcefully at the referee. Ferdinand, ever one to enjoy a nice chat, picks up a booking too for coming across and taking issue with Machado. Van Persie, to be fair, departs the scene on a stretcher, and is replaced by Fellaini.

9.32pm GMT

89 min: Van Persie is down receiving attention, presumably with a view to running down the clock as much as possible. Clever Robin.

9.30pm GMT

87 min: Machado breaks into the United box down the left, but his dangerous cross is headed out for a corner by Jones. Then the set piece is spectacularly punched clear by De Gea, who I reckon is Uniteds man of the match, despite van Persies hat-trick heroics. Its been a brilliant performance from front to back for United, even if theyve been a bit shaky every now and then, short of confidence as they are.

9.28pm GMT

85 min: United sitting back. Old Trafford very quiet. A lot of teeth being sucked. Campbell swings a ball into the United area from a deep position on the right, but it sails straight out of play. Clocks ticking for the Greeks, who will have lost 12 out of 12 on their visits to England after this game, whether they scrape through with a late goal or not.

9.26pm GMT

84 min: Evra earns a free kick down the left by drawing a foul from Vergos. Rooney looks to whip the free kick across goal and into the top right. Roberto punches clear. Then Rooney takes up possession again, and tries a first-time curler into the same corner. It nestles in the top-right corner of the Stretford End. Moyes players have done all they can, suggests Harry Tuttle. The minutes we have left are all Moyes.

9.24pm GMT

82 min: Welbeck makes way for Fletcher, while Vergos comes on for Fuster. Old Trafford is a tense old place right now!

9.23pm GMT

79 min: Campbell slides the ball down the right for Machado, who whips a dangerous ball into the United box. Its not dealt with well at all. Corner down the left. Van Persie clears, but Olympiakos are soon coming back at United through Dominguez down the right. He breaks through a weak Evra challenge and sees the whites of De Geas eyes! But the keeper is in immense form tonight, and standing firm at his near post, parries not one, but two Domiguez low batters! The balls pulled back to Campbell, who wangs a hilariously poor effort over the bar for three rugby union points.

9.19pm GMT

77 min: A change for the home side. Valencia, who has done well to get this far into the match with one eye threatening to close up, is swapped for Young.

9.18pm GMT

75 min: Welbeck wafts his boot over the ball, two yards from goal, missing a tap-in with spectacular ineptitude. Luckily for him, van Persie, who had set him up by cutting the ball across from the inside-left channel, was offside. Even so!

9.17pm GMT

74 min: Paulo Machado replaces Salino. Too nervous to watch even live text, hence focusing on antique currency debate, begins Simon Flynn. One and four is most definitely 16 pennies. Theres no point asking me, Ill believe anyone. I dont do numbers, Im still learning shapes. This new £1 coin is going to cause all sorts of problems.

9.15pm GMT

71 min: A corner for United, and within 20 seconds the home side are pinned back in their own area, Dominguez zipping upfield from left to right and eventually setting Salino clear down that wing. A couple of low crosses are sent into the United box from hither and yon. First Rafael bends down to head clear, then Jones takes a turn to deal with it. The home crowd are getting a little bit concerned, though in fairness De Gea hasnt had too much to deal with, Olympiakoss approach play impressive but their final ball usually pitiful.

9.12pm GMT

69 min: Holebas attempts to usher the ball out of play down the right, but is stripped of both possession and dignity by van Persie, who nips off cackling. He enters he area, but cant find a team-mate with a pass. A real chance to hammer home a real bonus there.

9.10pm GMT

68 min: Rooney attempts to relieve the (relative) pressure by raking a long ball down the left channel for Welbeck to chase. The striker gets the jump on the last man, but in an over-excited fashion: before he can break into the box, the flag goes up for offside.

9.09pm GMT

66 min: United are doing that Moyesian thing of sitting back, holding on to what theyve got. This tactic has come back to bite them in the trousers more than once this season. And here we go, with Salino making good ground down the right and crossing low into the box, where Fuster, on the penalty spot, batters a first-time shot straight at De Gea. The keeper handles well, but a yard either side and he wasnt getting that. Old Trafford has gone very quiet at the moment.

9.06pm GMT

64 min: Dominguez has a lash from 20 yards, but his effort, seemingly aimed towards the top left, flies miles higher than intended.

9.04pm GMT

62 min: Leandro Salino is booked for an idiotic reaction to a common-or-garden offside decision, the old-fashioned ill-tempered blooter into the crowd. What an eejit.

9.03pm GMT

61 min: Evra is booked for dangling his leg out, studs facing, towards Valdez. Hell miss the quarter final, should United make it. And as things stand, United are making, while Evra is missing.

9.02pm GMT

60 min: Corner for United down the right. Giggs dribbles inside from the wing, then rolls the ball across the face of the box for Jones, who clubs a dreadful sidefoot miles wide right and high.

9.01pm GMT

58 min: A couple of minutes worth of United possession. They go nowhere, but thats not really the point, theyre taking the sting out of Olympiakoss response to falling behind in the tie. I am pleased that you recognised the importance of that Mark Robins goal, writes preamble peruser Simon McGrother, unaware that I was referring to the one everyone usually bangs on about, from the FA Cup third round at Nottingham Forest in 1990, and not the strikers slightly less storied but equally vital winner in the semi-final against Oldham. But how was Simon to know? Exactly. United were hopeless that season and Ferguson could have easily lost his job. I wonder if you also recall that that game was 1-1 at full time and that during regulation Nick Henry had thundered one off the underside of the crossbar. TV footage was not absolutely definitive, but it looked like it was probably a goal. If wed just had hawk-eye (or whatever its called) how different the past 24 years might have been. I am not saying better (I am actually), just different.

8.59pm GMT

56 min: Olympiakos should be back in the driving seat. Rooney is penalised for a leap into NDinga down the inside left. Dominguez curls a high ball into the area. Perez, six yards out, somehow guides a header wide left when he surely should have buried it. Hes also run ahead of the United back line too eagerly, and was offside to boot. Its his last act of the evening, as hes hooked in favour of Valdez.

8.57pm GMT

54 min: A free kick for Olympiakos, 25 yards out, just to the left of goal. Dominguez sees his free kick deflected dangerously off the wall and only just wide right of De Geas goal. The keeper was rooted to the spot there. Nothing comes of the corner. This is a majestic end-to-end match.

8.56pm GMT

53 min: United have been brilliant tonight, in attitude as much as deed. Theyre now 3-2 in the lead in this tie.

8.55pm GMT

The Dutch master whips a left-footed shot over the wall and into the left-hand side of the net! It wasnt tucked away in the corner, flying in a yard or so to the left of the static Roberto, who is complaining to his team-mates that he couldnt see. Who set the wall then, huh? Thats nevertheless a brilliant hat-trick from Robin van Persie, and one that might just have saved the job of a manager the rumour mill suggests hes not always seen eye to eye with. So who cares?! With enemies like this, who needs friends?

8.53pm GMT

50 min: Welbeck goes on a determined sortie down the inside right, and is eventually bundled over, just in front of the D, roughly level with the right-hand post. Rooney and van Persie stand over it, waiting, contemplating. And ...

8.52pm GMT

49 min: A bit of space for Leandro Salino down the Olympiakos right. A cross into the centre for Perez, who heads lamely wide right of the target from 12 yards. An away goal will put a different complexion on this game alright.

8.51pm GMT

47 min: A period of possession for United ends when Evra tries to scoot past Perez down the left but is easily robbed of the ball. Rooney wins it back and the plays shifted to the right, where Welbeck wastes good field position in the right-hand side of the area with a dreadful pullback. United on the front foot in the early exchanges of the half, though. Ten for one and four thats 7p, begins Mark Leadbetter, who may or may not be desirous of starting the second half with a long drag on a cheroot. Invaluable trick for everyone who needs to convert old money into the newfangled stuff put the numbers together and halve it; 1 and 4: 14 - 7p. Youre welcome! So there you have it. This MBM wasnt a total waste of everyones time after all!

8.48pm GMT

And were off again! No changes. United will be bombing in the old Fergusonian style towards the Stretford End in this half. If the 2-2 aggregate scoreline stays the same, itll be extra time for thee and me. If someone finds the net, well be done and dusted in 90 minutes.

8.36pm GMT

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8.34pm GMT

Well, well, well! What a first-half performance by United. Olympiakos werent half bad, either, so the home side will be very pleased with their efforts so far. What a hammer blow for Olympiakos, right on the stroke of half time. Moyes literally springs all the way down the touchline, a jaunty jog of joy. Inner joy, that is: while the strut betrays his excitement, his face is a picture of determination. Another 45 minutes like that, and his side will be in the quarter finals, and there will still be hopes and dreams for the Moyes Era!

8.32pm GMT

There goes that Olympiakos lead! Giggs sprays a delightful diagonal pass down the right wing for Rooney, who takes a couple of steps before firing a low cross into the area. Van Persie meets it first time, six yards out, and slaps a left-footed shot into the bottom right! Old Trafford erupts! Its all level! This really is on!

8.30pm GMT

44 min: Evra, who is on his comeback tour, makes good down the left, and is clear in the area. He could shoot from a very tight angle, but opts to pull the ball back for a team-mate. Nope. Olympiakos clear. This is a brilliant game!

8.29pm GMT

42 min: Valencia goes after a ball down the inside left. He gets involved in a tussle with Maniatis, and goes down inside the box. Youve seen them given, though it was six and half a dozen, and would have been a bit harsh on Olympiakos. Not that Valencia sees it that way, and he springs to the floor to make his displeasure known via mime and semaphore.

8.27pm GMT

40 min: WHAT A DOUBLE SAVE BY DE GEA! Perez is allowed the entire right wing by Evra, who has just retired. His low cross is met in the centre by Fuster, who heads straight at De Gea. So far, so average, but then the ball breaks to the left of the six-yard box for Dominguez, who must score. But De Gea starjumps in the Schmeichelian style, and somehow gets a boot to a shot heading for the bottom-left corner! That is a world-class save from a world-class player. Olympiakos, deflated, cant make anything of the resulting set piece.

8.24pm GMT

37 min: Carrick is upended by Maniatis, who came through the back of his ankles in a very effective manner. No card, though, much to the United midfielders displeasure. Then NDinga bowls Welbeck to the ground. Giggs sends the resulting free kick high into the crowd behind the goal, then stands around with a face on.

8.21pm GMT

34 min: A corner for United down the right, Valencia really putting in a shift despite that jiggered peeper. The balls whipped towards the near post, where Evra flicks towards the top-right corner with goalscoring intent. Its a wonderful header, and going in until Roberto arches his back and somehow manages to claw it out from under the bar and away for another corner. From which nowt happens. United so close to levelling this tie. One or two aberrations at the back apart, theyve been very impressive tonight.

8.17pm GMT

31 min: And now United are on the front foot again, Valencia failing to get past Holebas on his first run down the right, before coming back at Olympiakos and firing a low shot-cum-cross straight at Roberto. That was an opportunity for United, had either Rooney or van Persie bothered to take a chance at the near post.

8.16pm GMT

29 min: Old Trafford has its collective tail up, as youd expect, but the Greeks have decided that coming straight back at their hosts is the best way to dampen their enthusiasm. Leandro Salino juggles the ball down the right wing, then Maniatis threatens to bust into the United box from a position down the inside left. This is a very entertaining game.

8.13pm GMT

27 min: So thats United having cut the deficit to 1-2. Olympiakos respond well, Dominguez taking up possession just in front of the United area and looking to hammer a shot towards the bottom right-hand corner. The balls deflected out for a corner, which causes minor bedlam in the United area, Dominguez given far too much time out on the right to send a low cross in. But Carrick calmly steps in to clear upfield, eventually.

8.11pm GMT

Van Persie gets up to take the spot kick himself. And he wraps the inside of his boot round the ball, whipping it into the right-hand side of the net! Roberto went the right way, but couldnt reach the ball. A fine penalty - and a lovely pass from Rooney to find van Persie to earn the spot kick in the first place!

8.09pm GMT

23 min: PENALTY FOR UNITED! Van Persie is bundled to the floor from behind by Holebas, as he chases a high ball down the inside-right channel. Its a penalty, no question. What this could do for Uniteds season - and David Moyess career!

8.08pm GMT

22 min: Its a lovely open end-to-end game, this. Rafael wins a corner off Holebas down the right, but Roberto, occasionally uncertain, comes off his line to claim the corner well. For those of us who never liked that talented friend, begins Ian Copestake, his demise has been like watching a widely disliked football team getting its long awaited comeuppance.

8.06pm GMT

20 min: United are not looking totally solid at the back. Perez goes on a diddle down the right, and looks to slide the ball inside for Campbell once he reaches the area, but the pass doesnt quite come off. You could hear quite a few sharp intakes of breath as that move developed.

8.05pm GMT

17 min: UNITED HIT THE POST! More specifically, its Rooney, who dribbles a not-particularly-powerful header onto the base of the left-hand post, the striker meeting Giggss diagonal left-wing cross. The ball, having beaten the despairing Roberto, bounces back across the face of goal, begging to be tapped in, but there are no United players nearby to take up the opportunity. So close to the game-changing opening goal!

8.02pm GMT

15 min: The set piece is swung in by Rooney from the left, and slapped clear by Roberto, not in a particularly certain fashion it has to be said. Then the Greeks flood upfield, Campbell zipping past Jones with ease down the inside right, then cutting a ball back from the byline for Perez, six yards out, level with the right-hand post. Luckily for United, Perez was leaning back, and his snapped shot flies high and wide right. But that should probably have been the opening goal - and one that would in all likelihood have done for Uniteds Champions League hopes.

8.00pm GMT

14 min: Welbeck looks pretty lively tonight, and now he goes on a meander down the left wing, winning his team a corner.

7.58pm GMT

11 min: A bit of space and time for Rooney down the right. He whips a low ball in towards his good pal van Persie, and while the striker cant quite control and get a shot away, his first touch, killing the ball on the spot, six yards from goal in a central position, nearly earns him a shooting chance. But Roberto is out quickly to deal with the situation. Theres a cracking atmosphere in Old Trafford tonight, both sets of fans are clearly up for this. Watching United this year has actually required developing a drinking problem, writes Huw Alexander. Please send gin. And prawn sandwiches. And a first half goal. Off a shin, if necessary.

7.56pm GMT

10 min: Two bookings in a minute by an overly fussy referee. First Dominguez is booked for a slide on Valencia down the right. Then Carrick goes in the book for a late toe-poke on Perez. This wouldnt have happened in the 1950s.

7.55pm GMT

9 min: Its Valencia v Campbell II, with the United man foolishly bundling the Olympiakos striker over down the left wing, the attacker going nowhere. Why did he do that? Because his left eye now is almost totally shut, perhaps! United will have to keep tabs on that. The resulting free kick comes to nothing, not even beating the first man.

7.53pm GMT

6 min: Rooney whips an inswinging free kick into the area from the left. Roberto stoops to punch clear, a very odd save. The ball falls to Valencia on the right-hand side of the D, but hes clattered in an accidental collision with Campbell. A huge bump comes up, cartoon-style, over his eye. Hell be fine to continue, though, by the looks of it.

7.51pm GMT

5 min: Welbeck tears off down the inside-left channel after a clever van Persie pass and is clattered from behind by Manolas. Thats a no-brainer of a booking. If the Greeks get to the quarters, Manolas wont be playing.

7.49pm GMT

2 min: Jones goes in on NDinga, far too enthusiastically. Dominguez swings in a free kick from the right, but his delivery is far too deep. United cant be giving up too many chances like that, though. Olympiakos is better, argues Dimitri Nakassisnakassis of our little style dilemma, because Greek has no letter C and the team is spelled () in Greek. Now can you tell me why we dont give the pope a capital P?

7.46pm GMT

And were off! Olympiakos set the ball rolling, kicking towards the Stretford End in the first half. Valencia tries to bully Holebas off the ball down the inside-right channel, but hes a bit too eager. Free kick. But it looks like United have pressing in mind this evening.

7.42pm GMT

The teams are out! And you know what that means. An assault by the Uefa marketeers on all the senses, is what it means. Starry balls on banners hither and yon, intrusive hoardings around the pitch, plus the usual bombastic sounds ...

7.26pm GMT

David Moyes speaks! We have to try to control the game before we attempt to score a goal ... Were capable of scoring twice in the last ten minutes if we have to, but of course wed like to score one before that ... Were going to try to score an early goal. Yes, it would be easy to riff on this, his pre-match war cries arent exactly Churchillian. But the general attitude to Moyes at the moment smacks a little of the playground pile-on, so lets leave the man be. Hes saying nothing here that isnt eminently sensible; United cant afford to go totally gung-ho, as an Olympiakos goal on the kounter would kause all sorts of trouble.

Having said that, Moyes does need to whip the side into a frenzy in private, at least, because theyve struggled to limply tug at weeds this season, let alone pull up any trees. And now theres no room left for error: as far as this season goes, tonight is Lisbon or bust. Watching United this year has been a bit like watching a talented friend developing a drinking problem, writes Brian Kitt, hitting the nail on the head so sweetly youll be able to tune a guitar to his email for the next hour or so.

7.02pm GMT

Manchester United make four changes from the Liverpool debacle: De Gea, Da Silva, Jones, Ferdinand, Evra, Welbeck, Giggs, Carrick, Valencia, Rooney, van Persie.
Subs: Lindegaard, Hernandez, Young, Fletcher, Kagawa, Fellaini, Januzaj.

Olympiakos, whose name is spelt Olympiacos on the clubs official site, and in their official digital correspondence, and by Uefa, the governing body of European football, but not by our style guide, and no, theres no point asking me why, make just one change from the first leg, with David Fuster coming in for Michael Olaitan: Roberto, Maniatis, Holebas, Manolas, Marcano, Salino, NDinga, Perez, Fuster, Campbell, Dominguez.
Subs: Megyeri, Paulo Machado, Samaris, Valdez, Papadopoulos, Vergos, Bong.

5.55pm GMT

Heres a game in the last 16 of the Champions League, being contested by Manchester United, one of the most storied clubs in the history of this famous competition and all the talk is of their beleaguered new manager, and whether hell survive the week. State of modern football, with its immediacy and impatience, dragging us all down.

Now admittedly David Moyes hasnt done a great job at Old Trafford so far. His United side were nothing short of pathetic in the first leg of this tie against Olympiakos, and last weekend they didnt even bother turning up for the annual donnybrook with Liverpool. Its fair to say that if his players fail to make significant inroads into the 2-0 halfway lead the Greeks hold in this round-of-16 rubber, and/or receive a symbolic belt in the mouth in the Manchester derby next week, Moyes could either be sent aquaplaning on the seat of his trousers back down the Manchester Ship Canal from whence he came, or at the very least become a lame duck until the end of the season, slowly drowning (though not waving for help as hes too scared to make any sudden movements).

David de Gea and his 24 arms

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Europa League clockwatch - as it happened

Andrea Pirlos free kick was the highlight on the deciding night in the round of 16

10.52pm GMT

In fact, Beto got fingertips to turn that round, but the kick was so lame a pensioner could have bent down to guide that away from goal. Sevilla reach the last eight, after an evening in which this happened:

10.50pm GMT

Oh no no no no no no no Nono! He takes a nonchalant swipe at the ball, and sends a pathetic effort rolling left of the target! Poor lads in tears, but that was appalling. Sevilla win 4-3 on penalties!

10.49pm GMT

The fifth kicks: Rakitic strokes his into the right-hand side of the net. Now Nono has to score to keep his team in it! Can he? ...

10.48pm GMT

The fourth kicks: Everyones firing them into the top right! Moreno puts his there, though not quite as impressively as whats gone before. NDiaye for Betis now... and his effort hammers onto the left-hand post and out! That sprung off the inside, it wasnt the worst miss youll ever see. All square! Sevilla 3-3 Betis.

10.47pm GMT

The third kicks: Gameiro follows Castros lead, a thumper into the top right. Amaya, the Betis captain, fires one there too! Sevilla 2-3 Betis.

10.45pm GMT

The second kicks: Coke is the real thing: he slots it to the right, Adan going the other way. Sevilla for Betis puts his into the top left. Another brilliant one! Sevilla 1-2 Betis.

10.44pm GMT

The first kicks: Vitolo goes low right, and passes it straight at Adan! Weak and easy to save. Castro roofs an unstoppable one into the top right. As good a spot kick as youll ever see! Sevilla 0-1 Betis

10.42pm GMT

The penalties, then! After an effing age - and, rather nicely, a lot of friendly and respectful handshakes between the two teams - its on! Sevilla will take the first kick.

10.38pm GMT

Thou still unravished bride of quietness,
Thou foster child of silence and slow time,
Sylvan historian, who canst thus express
A flowery tale more sweetly than our rhyme:
What leaf-fringed legend haunts about thy shape
Of deities or mortals, or of both,
In Tempe or the dales of Arcady?
What men or gods are these? What maidens loath?
What mad pursuit? What struggle to escape?
What pipes and timbrels? What wild ecstasy?

Penalties it is.

10.33pm GMT

Not a lot happening. I could type up a little filler in an attempt to keep yall interested ... but no. This is what it is. Think of it as art imitating art, like Ode on a Grecian Urn. You could call it Ode on Indolence, only Keats is ahead of us with that one, too.

10.23pm GMT

And were off again! This is almost certainly going to go to penalties. That absurd stramash towards the end of the first period apart, fear has frozen these rivals.

10.20pm GMT

Its worth pointing out, I guess, if anyones still reading, which I very much doubt, that another goal for Sevilla will count as a third away goal, and put Betis in all sorts of bother.

10.19pm GMT

How on earth have Sevilla failed to score here? A one-two down the inside-left channel releases Gameiro into the area. Hes only got Adan to beat, but batters his shot straight at the keeper, who parries. The ball balloons up for Bacca, who attempts to head home from a couple of yards, but cant get enough purchase on the thing - allowing Adan to spring up and make another save! Its Baccas last act of the day, because hes managed to break himself in the process of missing that gilt-edged chance. To round off a hapless minute for Sevilla, the substitute Sampeiro, coming on for Bacca, is booked for taking to the pitch too early! What a circus.

10.14pm GMT

Its all over for Salzburg all right. Basle make it through to the quarters, joining Juventus, Valencia, Lyon, Alkmaar, Porto and Benfica. One place left. Whos going to take it? Betis or Sevilla? Theres been bugger all happening in extra time at the Estadio Benito Villamarín, so were no nearer to knowing.

10.10pm GMT

If it wasnt already over in Salzburg, it is now. Its ten men apiece, with the dullest sounding footballer of all time - Alan - getting his marching orders for a second bookable offence. The final insult of an injurious evening for Salzburg.

10.06pm GMT

Extra time in Seville, then. In an ideal world, Id continue the menu riff thats run throughout this report: starter, main, pudding. But after over five hours of wall-to-wall Europa League action, Im too tired to think right now. Thankfully, Simon McMahon is on hand to do my riffing for me. Think Ill need a digestif after all that. Limoncello and coke? Sounds just the ticket, Simon. Have you got a rolled-up £10 note? To slurp up the sticky booze, obviously.

10.01pm GMT

And were still going in Salzburg, where even kidney-bothering quantities of taurine would be unlikely to assist the home side in their quest to reach the quarters. Theyre still 2-1 down, requiring two goals in the last ten minutes of this delayed game to turn things round. Theyve been playing against ten men for almost the entire game, with little to show for it other than disappointment.

9.57pm GMT

And thats your lot in Italy, where Porto once again reach the latter stages of Europes secondary trophy.

9.56pm GMT

Another free kick for Betis, just to the left of the D! Sevilla hits the wall again, uselessly, and that is that. Itll be extra time in Seville!

9.55pm GMT

Callejon springs the Porto defence down the right, enters the box, and fires into the centre, where Zapata cant miss from six yards. Theres 120 seconds of added time left, but this is too little, too late. Erstwhile Chelsea gaffer Rafa Benitez wont be winning two Europa Leagues on the bounce.

9.53pm GMT

... batters an idiotic shot straight into the coupon of some poor bugger standing in the wall. What a clown. Thisll be extra time.

9.52pm GMT

A last-minute chance for Betis, as Ruben Castro is bundled over as he makes for the Sevilla box. The free kick is 25 yards out, just to the left of the target. If this goes in, Betis have redeemed themselves at the death and will be in the quarters. The confusingly named Salvador Sevilla steps up, and ...

9.47pm GMT

So heres where we are at the business end of the evening:

9.44pm GMT

Well this suddenly got a lot more dramatic, didnt it. I should probably have been more patient.

9.42pm GMT

And its looking all over for Salzburg, too, as ten-man Basle turn it round! Last years semi-finalists, conquerors of Spurs before being tonked by Chelsea, have one foot in the last eight again!

9.40pm GMT

You have to search out this goal. Quaresma tiptoes his way past three challenges in double-quick time on the right-hand edge of the Napoli box. He then lifts an unstoppable riser into the top right! Thats Porto 3-1 up on aggregate, and the home side need four goals to progress. This is over!

9.38pm GMT

Moreno rips down the left and fires a low ball into the area. Bacca, meeting the ball first time in the middle of the area, sidefoots home, a proper ice-hockey slapshot. A brilliant finish! And this tie is all level, and going to extra time as things stand!

9.36pm GMT

Another sucker punch, this time in Salzburg! The home team are a man up, but theyre behind in the tie on away goals now! Long shifts, talk of sand-wedges, leaderboard updates, notes Simon McMahon. Next youll be telling us that Adam Scott has gone round in 62 at Bay Hill. Hes a step ahead, kids, a step ahead. Not a bad day for the reigning Masters champion, that. And theres his green-jacketed predecessor Bubba Watson shooting 83 as well. Ive already got Augusta Fever. You too? You too, huh.

9.34pm GMT

And now Defour whacks a low shot onto the base of Napolis left-hand post! The home support have fallen into a silent funk, and no wonder: theyve been the dominant side, but what a sucker punch that was!

9.33pm GMT

Good old precarious European football, and no mistake! Jackson Martinez is clattered in the centre circle by Behrami. It should be a free kick, but the referee waves play on, allowing Fernando to shuttle the ball down the inside right channel for Ghilas. The Algerian, only recently thrown on, smacks a confident low effort into the bottom right past the despairing arm of Reina! Napoli need to score twice now!

9.26pm GMT

No goals since the 22nd minute at Salzburg. Its not been the greatest night, has it? Mind you, this Napoli-Porto game is cooking nicely: while the hosts are in the ascendancy, and pushing to land the killer blow, a goal on the break for the Portuguese side will change everything. Good old precarious European football!

9.23pm GMT

Napoli back on the front foot again. First Higuain springs the Porto back line down the inside right, his low shot bundled out of play on the right by two white-shirted defenders plus their keeper. Then Inler flashes a header from the corner straight at Fabiano. And finally Ghoulam flicks the ball down the left to free Mertens, whose hammer from a tight angle is parried clear by the keeper. Napoli well on top. Surely its only a matter of time?

9.21pm GMT

Porto show upfield for the first time in a wee while, Carlos Eduardo meeting a left-wing free kick by flicking a header towards the bottom right. It flew just wide of the target, and Reina had that covered, though he moved across with the insouciance that sometimes sees him standing around impotently as balls flash into his net.

9.14pm GMT

Insigne nearly scores from a tight angle on the left, but the balls battered out of play for a corner by the upstanding Fabiano. (Though its then pulled back for Pandev, who hilariously blazes over from six yards, the goal gaping.) Ghoulam tries to curl a shot into the top right, and hes not far off at all. That would have been a spectacular strike.

9.11pm GMT

Half-time in Salzburg, where this sort of stuff ...

9.09pm GMT

The first act of the second half in Naples, and Danilo slices an appalling clearance back out for a corner. Thats dealt with, but then Henrique bombs down the right and nearly finds Higuain in the centre with a low cross. Napoli are on the front foot from the off, picking up where the first half ended.

9.06pm GMT

And were off again in Naples and Seville! And were still going in the first half at Salzburg, but to hell with that! A wonderful moment during ITVs half-time analysis. Presenter Matt Smith points out that Napoli have fashioned four times as many chances despite only enjoying 33% possession. Gordon Strachan, experiencing patience-snapping boredom, responds with a tired sigh, hissing Ach! Stats! Stats! and instead proceeding to eulogise Napolis pretty play. Oh Gordon! How could you! Its almost as if youre saying sport should be enjoyed as an aesthetic and visceral treat, a bit of fun, rather than homework to be mapped out on Excel spreadsheets and studied with a haughty sniff!

8.56pm GMT

Half-time entertainment:

8.53pm GMT

The games restarted in Salzburg, but never mind that, its half time in both Naples and Seville. As things stand, the Napoli-Porto tie is going to extra time, whereas Real Betis would join Juventus, Alkmaar, Lyon and Valencia in the quarter-final pot. Salzburg are in there too, but that ones running behind schedule now.

8.49pm GMT

A lull. Lovely lull.

8.45pm GMT

Napoli are fully on top. Insigne cuts inside from the left and ripples the side netting with a low fizzer. That was only an inch or two away from nestling in the bottom-left corner.

8.44pm GMT

Higuain, to the right of the centre circle, rakes a high diagonal ball towards Mertens, breaking into the box. He meets the pass first time, blootering a low shot straight at Fabiano. Its a decent effort, but a shame he didnt connect properly, because that would have been a goal for the picture books.

8.42pm GMT

The game between Salzburg and Basel has been halted, with some clowns throwing missiles onto the pitch. For goodness sake. Porto are rocking a little bit cos Villas-Boas just snatched our goalkeepers coach, reports Tiago Carreira. For a man who used to profess his undying love for Porto he sure has a way to prove it. Hes got a way with fans thatd put the ever-popular Michael Owen to shame.

8.39pm GMT

And now Porto nearly score. A corner down the right. Jackson Martinez meets it, ten yards out, and heads towards the top left. Reina doesnt have it covered, diving late, but the ball drifts just wide of the post.

8.38pm GMT

Porto are putting the collective foot in tonight. Mangala nearly kicks Albiols foot clean off the end of his leg. Free kick, in the Porto D. Insigne hits the ball straight at the wall, but then benefits from a pinball ricochet which releases Mertens into the area down the left channel! He whipcracks a low shot goalwards, but Fabiano starjumps to smother.

8.31pm GMT

Next to nothing happens all evening, then three goals in three delicately poised ties, all at once. It was always going to happen like this. So heres how we stand everywhere:

8.29pm GMT

A brilliant finish by the former Arsenal star here! Gameiro romps down the left and slides a pass into the area. Reyes meets it first time, coming in from the right, and sends it back the other way, sidefooting it brilliantly into the bottom left! Sevilla have halved the deficit against their city rivals!

8.27pm GMT

Higuain, down the inside left channel, draws two defenders before rolling a little ball forward and into the area for Pandev, who chips a delicate first-time effort over the advancing Fabiano. Were level in this tie at 1-1, and Napolis dander is up!

8.25pm GMT

No goals yet in any of our three matches. Quaresma has clattered Mertens on the shin. No action from the referee, but that should have been a yellow, the Napoli man has a red criss-cross pattern all down his leg. Hes got a gingham shin!

8.23pm GMT

Insigne sand-wedges a lovely ball down the inside-left channel. Higuain chases after it, and is clear in the area! But hes tempted into scoring a stunner by the dropping ball, and attempts to loop it over the keeper with a first-time volley, instead of trapping and battering it home. What a chance spurned!

8.20pm GMT

An early red card in the Salzburg-Basel game. Marek Suchy has been sent packing for play most foul. Meanwhile in Naples, Henrique chases after a Mertens header down the inside right, and flashes a gorgeous shot just wide of the left-hand post. Not sure Fabiano had that covered were it heading for the bottom-left corner. Stunning effort.

8.13pm GMT

Its a pretty open game, with Mertens, Pandev and Higuain all causing Porto early bother, while Quaresma has make a couple of inroads down the other end. Napoli scream for a penalty as Ghoulam goes down under a challenge from Unidentified Porto Player - but the referee, the Premier Leagues Martin Atkinson no less, isnt having any of it. A decent enough decision.

8.09pm GMT

A fairly scrappy start at the Stadio San Paolo, where theres plenty of the old whistling going on whenever the white-shirted Porto get hold of the ball. Napoli, trailing by the single goal from the leg in Oporto, are of course in their powdery blue kit, which to the minds eye will always have Mars blazoned across the front of it, and Himself rushing about in it with much determination and not a little skill.

8.06pm GMT

Right, were going to concentrate on the Napoli-Porto game, and youll like it too. But I will try my best to keep an eye on whats going in the Seville derby, as the home side Betis attempt to keep a hold of their 2-0 first-leg lead.

8.00pm GMT

7.55pm GMT

... and over here is where youll learn how Spurs went out of Europe, after a 2-2 draw which involved plenty of late drama.

7.53pm GMT

That brouhaha - a Howard Webb cock-up, whod have thought? - was the last act of the match. Juve go through to the finals, a deserved victory against a side that, after a fast start, didnt really do much.

7.52pm GMT

A feisty end to the game, with Tevez chasing a loose ball into the Fiorentina area and stands on the goalkeeper Netos head. Neto isnt happy, and forceful enough in his arguments that hes booked. As is Tevez - who really should see red, as the Juve striker definitely clanked his boot onto the keepers neep. There was no need for that, a deliberate move downwards that really didnt have to happen that way.

7.49pm GMT

Vidal, on the penalty spot, meeting a right-wing cross and facing an open goal, heads wide. What a ridiculously inept miss! Stefan Savi, prone to many an error in his time at Manchester City, still has a strain of haplessness in his game; that Juve move began when Asamoah stormed into acres of space, latching onto a lazy blind pass from the defender.

7.42pm GMT

Alberto Aquilani latches onto a loose ball and sends a first-time daisycutter towards the bottom-right corner of the Juve goal. But hes too far out, and its not hit with enough venom to trouble a keeper like Gianluigi Buffon. A real sense that this is over, the Comunale is in a rare old collective funk.

7.40pm GMT

Stephan Lichtsteiner should have put Juventus out of sight. He wins a pinball battle with Savic down the Juve right, and races clear towards the area. His low fizzer towards the bottom right is decent, but turned round the post by Neto, who should never have been given the chance of making a save. Times running out for Fiorentina, who have six minutes to find the goal thatd force extra time.

7.37pm GMT

Is a preposterous comeback on for Tottenham? Have they really just hit Benfica with a double-whammy that leaves them searching for just the one goal to take the match, unbelievably, into extra time? Dont ask me, Im not scabbing, this is Simon Burntons patch!

7.34pm GMT

Llorente fires a header straight at Neto from point-blank range. Then Pirlo nearly scores from the halfway line, but his cheeky effort is overcooked, flying over the bar to a soundtrack of affronted whistles from the home support. This is all Juve, with the home side visibly deflated after the Rodriguez sending off and its terrible implications.

7.32pm GMT

A little bit of detail on the Makhachkala-Alkmaar game. AZs Nemanja Gudelj hit the post with a free kick on 33 minutes; AZ nearly scored with a 20-yard piledriver from Aron Johannsson - whose penalty decided the first leg - just after the break; and Anzhis Karlen Mkrtchyan saw red for a foul on Steven Berghuis in injury time. It ended 0-0, and the Dutch go through.

7.29pm GMT

Pirlo, after a false start, takes a second run up and curls a stunning free kick into the top right at extreme pace! All of a sudden, this match has been turned on its head! And as things stand, Juve will be in the quarters! Incidentally, it appears Rodriguez was indeed shown a second yellow, hence the red, not that it makes much difference to the here and now.

7.27pm GMT

RED CARD IN FLORENCE! Suddenly, with 21 minutes remaining, silence! The home captain Gonzalo Rodriguez, already in the book, is turned by Llorente on the edge of the Fiorentina D. Rodriguez sticks out a leg to cheesewire his man down - and thats a straight red, never mind a second yellow! Fiorentina down to ten, and this is a free kick in a very dangerous position, especially as Pirlo will be the man taking it.

7.24pm GMT

... this! Two goals in 120 seconds, and the Czechs have turned this tie around. Bounced back, if you will. Theyre still 5-3 behind on aggregate, though with nearly half an hour remaining, an astonishing and quite frankly unlikely comeback suddenly looks possible!

7.22pm GMT

First this. And then ...

7.21pm GMT

A Pirlo corner from the right. On the edge of the six-yard box, Pogba attempts an overhead kick from quite a low height. He catches the ball well enough, but sends it well wide left from close range. Italys dominant team are getting a little bit desperate here, with 25 minutes to go.

7.18pm GMT

The Spaniards go 4-0 up on aggregate. If this tie wasnt over already, it is now.

7.17pm GMT

Isla stands up a cross from the Juve right. Its got the backpedalling Fiorentina defence all at sea, but Vidal somehow heads over from six yards. What a chance to take the lead for Juventus! Theyre the better side here now.

7.16pm GMT

Cuadrado sends a swerving shot towards Buffon after a rangy run down the right wing. It poses the Juve keeper quite a test, but hes up to the job, parrying spectacularly. Meanwhile heres a reader complaint from Mac Millings: This is a family website, Scott, and no place to announce filth like, Thats loosened the beads on my rusty abacus. Just as well I wasnt furiously fingering the sticky buttons down the front of my Little Professor.

7.08pm GMT

There are four games on the go at the moment. Here are the latest scores:

7.04pm GMT

Juve are on the front foot at the start of the second half, picking up pretty much where they left off. Tevez goes on a determined skitter down the inside-right channel, and sends a deflected shot spooning over the bar from a tight-ish angle. Nothing comes of the resulting set piece.

6.57pm GMT

So, something happened in Russia, but it was only Karlen Mkrtchyan of Anzhi Makhachkala getting himself sent off for a professional foul right at the death. Dick Advocaats side are therefore the first into the hat for the quarter-final draw!

6.52pm GMT

Theres one! On the stroke of half-time, too. Lyon go in at the break 5-1 up on aggregate. Thats loosened the beads on my rusty abacus.

6.50pm GMT

Its half time in Florence! The scores 0-0. Its 0-0 in Valencia, too, though lets face it, that ties already wrapped up. More please, Uefa!

6.46pm GMT

Tevez whips a shot straight down Netos throat from 25 yards. That was fired with such force that, a yard either side, Juventus were celebrating the opening goal. A couple of phases later, and Caceres is attempting an ambitious shot from a tight angle on the right. His effort bothers the side netting, but nothing else.

6.41pm GMT

Theres been a goal! But still theres no opportunity for me to get out the orange text generator, because its come in the Benfica-Spurs game, and Simon Burnton is all over that. Ill not break NUJ regulations by duplicating his work for free over here, the mans got to put bread on the table.

6.34pm GMT

Bugger all, it would seem. Its 0-0 in all five games being played right now.

6.32pm GMT

Pogba is a fine player. How Manchester United could do with him these days. He lashes a low shot goalwards from 20 yards, though its straight at Neto. Still 0-0 here, and as things stand, its Fiorentina heading into the quarter finals. Long way to go, of course. Here, whats happening in the other games?

6.31pm GMT

Pizarro, 25 yards out to the right of goal, chests the ball down and threads a lovely volley a millimetre or so wide of Juves left-hand post. Buffon wasnt getting to that. So close. I dread to think what Daniel Stauss (5.52pm) might do when he finds out that theres a pork chop, black pudding and tattie scone underneath those fried eggs, worries Simon McMahon. I know. Perhaps replace the black pudding with the mealy variety? Theres a bit of onion in mealy chud, he might be happier if weve added the continental taste of vegetable to the plate.

6.25pm GMT

And another chance for Pogba! He hammers a downwards header from a right-wing cross straight at Neto from six yards. Fiorentina hack the loose ball clear, and it transpires Pogba had run offside anyway, but the Serie A champions are beginning to turn the screw here.

6.24pm GMT

Juve were so close to opening the scoring. Theyve been slowly moving into the ascendency, and when Pogba, bombing along the left channel, chested down a looping pass and broke into the box, danger loomed for the home side. But with only Neto to beat, he flicked his shot straight across the face of goal and out on the right.

6.15pm GMT

Juventus getting themselves back into this game, a little, Tevez guiding a lame effort wide right of the target. But the home side will be happy with the way theyve started here. Its up to Juve to force the issue, of course, having conceded the away goal in the first leg. The Old Lady is also second best aesthetically, despite the crisp and simple brilliance of her classic black-and-white-striped shirt. No shame in that, because Fiorentinas colours are the prettiest in world football, arent they?

6.06pm GMT

Juventus are all over the shop here! Cuadrado is in acres of space down the right, and his low cross fizzes straight through the Juve six-yard box, begging to be tapped in. But theres no violet shirt waiting to convert. What a ball that was!

6.04pm GMT

All Fiorentina in the first couple of minutes, with Ilicic dragging a low shot wide right of Buffons goal, then Gomez spurning a wonderful chance as he races down the inside-left channel and screws a dismal effort across the face of goal and wide right, when it was surely easier to make it 1-0! The atmosphere at the Comunale is amazing, as youd imagine it would be. Everyones high on art.

6.01pm GMT

Right, finally weve got something to sink our teeth into, with the 6pm kick-offs about to start. Ill be concentrating on the action in the Renaissance city of Florence, where home heroes Fiorentina face down hated rivals Juventus. This should be a cracking game: Juve were the better side for about 60 minutes of the first leg in Turin, before Fiorentina got their act together and bossed the latter stages. That game ended 1-1, and though Juve remain favourites to progress despite being held at home, theyll be rather worried, given this was the scene of their only defeat in Serie A this season so far. Anyway, its on!

5.52pm GMT

Its half-time at the Anzhi-Arena, where its goalless between the home side Anzhi Makhachkala and visitors AZ Alkmaar. Two fried eggs on top of a pile of french fries, with baked beans on the side and mystery brown sauce up top? splutters difficult customer Daniel Stauss. British cuisine is almost entirely dare-based, isnt it? Im guessing that particular taste sensation has some sort of colloquial or possibly regional name, but Ive been put so far off by that picture that I cant be bothered to find it. Im not sure where youre coming from here, Daniel. Theres nothing mysterious about that sauce. The clue is in the colour. Its brown sauce! Mm, the delicious, spicy tang of brown. Its the taste! Youre not going to leave a tip, are you?

5.33pm GMT

Breaking news from Russia! Apparently in the 12th minute of play, AZ won a corner. Steven Berghuis took it, but nothing much came of it. The ups and downs of live blogging, right here. The main item of note in this match so far is that the pitch is a suspiciously luminous shade of green, which is making my eyes hurt, reports the unfortunate but very dependable Philippa Booth. I will keep you posted on any other critical developments. Well be hearing from Philippa again at around 6.45pm GMT.

5.22pm GMT

5.02pm GMT

And were off! And immediately this report is resembling a ...

4.40pm GMT

4.30pm GMT

Your starter at 5pm GMT: Anzhi Makhachkala (0) v AZ Alkmaar (1).

The main course is served at 6pm: Fiorentina (1) v Juventus (1), Valencia (3) v Ludogorets (0), Plzen (1) v Lyon (4), and of course Benfica (3) v Tottenham Hotspur (1), which you can follow in detail with Simon Burnton here in our time-honoured MBM format.

Champions League quarter-final draw as it happened

The hardest draw for United and a winnable one for Chelsea

12.44pm GMT

And with that, well close this report. No official response from United yet, but in fairness theyve got the left-over vol-au-vents to shift, so first things first for these hard-working delegates. Those desirous of up-to-the-minute reaction from the Old Trafford representatives should keep their eyes peeled on this very site; well have all the breaking news as and when it happens. And if the worst comes to the worst, and nobody says anything, ever, then the Fiver will make something up. Have a lovely day!

12.39pm GMT

United might be in two minds over exactly how great this draw is for them, but you cant write off a club with their recent European pedigree. With this in mind, Bayern are talking their chances down. Phillip Lahm weve already heard from, and now club suit and all-round German legend Matthias Sammer has added:

We should talk modestly and with the highest respect for Manchester United. I consider the tie winnable but dangerous. On good days, they are really dangerous. Weve got to make sure they dont have two good days.

12.29pm GMT

Hot Chelsea chit-chat! Jose Mourinho has been kidding on that he doesnt care, so the club have wheeled out top suit Ron Gourlay.

It was always going to be tough, there are only top, top teams left, but we will be ready come the first game. Our form is good, and we have a lot of games between now and the end of the season. Well try to win every game, by focusing on one game at a time. Well treat PSG with the utmost respect. Every team left has won a European competition of some form, and any team can go out.

12.19pm GMT

The Europa League draw has been made, by the way. And here we go:

12.05pm GMT

And Barcelona are also riding on the 1203 Platitude Express to Tritesville, nr. Hackney. Heres their sporting director Andoni Zubizarreta, reflecting on a draw thats paired them with a side theyve yet to beat in three meetings this season:

Considering the teams that were in the draw I dont know if we would swap for anyone else as they would all be very tough ties. We are seeing in La Liga this season that Atletico are one of the strongest teams in Europe right now.

12.01pm GMT

Meanwhile Bayern arent taking Manchester United lightly, which given the history between the two teams is fair enough. Heres their captain Philipp Lahm:

We should not be blinded by their current position in the league because they have outstanding players. We have to perform according to what we can and if we do that we have good chances of reaching the semi-finals.

12.00pm GMT

The deafening silence in Nyon has finally been broken. OK, more to the point, Ive managed to find some quotes at last. And Dortmund CEO Hans-Joachim Watzke isnt best pleased with how the days panned out for his side.

We would have liked to get someone else. Real is the worlds biggest football club. But there is no easy draw here at this stage. We just have to be as best prepared as possible. It will take an enormous effort from everyone to do well. Obviously we had a great team last year; whether or not we can raise the level of our game we will see.

11.38am GMT

Thats not the worst draw for Chelsea, who will fancy their chances against PSG in a way they might not had they been paired with the Bayerns and Barcas of this world. Will it have an effect on the Premier League title race? A fair chance theyll have to fit in a semi-final now, against one of Europes big hitters to boot, which might be good news for Manchester City, Liverpool and Arsenal, all of whose beady magpie eyes are on that particular prize - and have no European commitments themselves.

11.29am GMT

The pre-draw odds are yesterdays news now. Bayern are still favourites to win the trophy, their odds shortening to 7-4, while Real Madrid and Barcelona are both hovering around the 7-2 mark, that price slightly less generous too. Chelsea are pretty much as they were, but you can get Manchester United as far out as 36-1! Borussia Dortmund appear to be 38-1 outsiders, which puts paid to the self-deprecating theories of both David Moyes and the pre-draw jibber-jabber of Jose Mourinho.

11.24am GMT

Instant reaction, platitudes, etc., to come in a wee while. Tum te tum. While were killing time, heres Simon McMahon: Regarding a new pot for the winners of this competition, an oversize Champions League chequebook and pen would be quite tasteful dont you think? And instead of a final, we could have a supermatch game.

11.17am GMT

And now, in an easy-on-the-eye arrangement ...

11.15am GMT

And the final tie: Manchester United will, of course, host the reigning champions, Bayern Munich! So much for poor old David Moyess post-Olympiakos feelgood boost - but then again, 1999 and all that. You never know!

11.14am GMT

The third tie: Paris Saint-Germain are the first-leg hosts of ... Chelsea!

11.13am GMT

The second tie: Real Madrid will be at home in the first leg, and theyll be up against ... Borussia Dortmund!

11.12am GMT

The first tie: Barcelona will play their first match at home - and theyll face 1974 finalists Atlético Madrid!

11.11am GMT

While we wait for the Uefa blowhard to complete a drone that would put Ravi Shankar to shame, and because I cant think of anything else to write, lets remind ourselves how many European Cups this years quarter-finalists have gobbled up:

11.06am GMT

Right! Its on! The delegates have wolfed down as many gratis vol-au-vents and glasses of bucks fizz as possible, and now its down to business. Some Uefa suit or other, it doesnt really matter who, is currently running through the rules of the draw. Must it be that difficult? Back in 1956 its a well-known fact that people were way bigger than they are now, hence the seemingly smaller scale of that noble trophy, writes Ian Copestake, who is bored. I myself as a wee nipper struggled to hold aloft said trophy while on a tour on Liverpools trophy room in the 1980s. I am living proof of how small humans have become since 1956. You wouldnt have caught Norma Desmond talking like this.

10.58am GMT

The odds ahead of the draw: Bayern Munich are the favourites, a best-priced 2-1; Real Madrid and Barcelona can both be got at 4s; Chelsea can be backed as far out as 14; while Manchester United are 22-1 outsiders in some places. Lump on, people who recall Istanbul 05 and Munich 12! Lump on! Yesterday marked the vernal equinox, but today marks the venal equinox in which greed prevails, begins Ian Copestake, utterly incapable as usual of passing on a pun. Why is the European Cup still the trophy on offer when this competition divorced itself from that legendary do-or-die affair years ago? They should be playing for some massive silver-plated iPod instead, complete with oversize headphones of course. A fine idea. Or, because the trophy had already long been upsized from its original graceful proportions, Uefa should finally be done with it and produce a distended, 50-foot-tall behemoth in which the winning squad can sit, peering out over the edge, waving. With their oversize headphones on.

10.44am GMT

Mourinho speaks! He always speaks. But hes been chatting specifically about the draw, and heres what he has to say, courtesy of our man in the field, Dominic Fifield. Firstly, Jose was asked what the best outcome would be for Chelsea.

Nothing to choose. All the big teams are there. Sometimes you have in the quarter-final an outsider, somebody that nobody was expecting to be there, a team with less experience or less potential. Thats not the case. Were very, very calm because we know whats waiting for us. Its balanced, but balanced by the top. The big candidates are there. All the big teams, the teams of the moment but also the teams with history. So we have to be really happy to be among the best teams.

No. Its as I was saying. The most difficult opponents you can get in European football are all there. All of them maybe want us. I believe so. Because Chelsea are maybe the most outsider of the group, maybe us and Manchester United because all the other guys... you have the two finalists from last season, the winner and the runner-up; you have the two Spanish giants; you have Atletico, obviously a fantastic team over the last couple of years; you have Paris, with everything they represent. Maybe they look at the draw and look at us and maybe Man United, because they are not having a great season, and consider us the two clubs that all of them, they want.

10.34am GMT

Dates for your diaries (if you still have a diary, and arent planning your modern e-life on a cloud somewhere, or wherever it is you internet pop kids live these days). The first legs of the quarter finals will take place on April Fools Day, a boon for lazy satirists, and Wednesday 2 April, with the return legs and all manner of tiresome controversies kicking off on Tuesday 8 April and Wednesday 9 April. Two days after all thats done and dusted, and the papers have just about stopped droning on about some fabricated brouhaha or other, its the semi-final draw! And also the draw for the final, which sounds unnecessary but it decides who gets to wear their first kit, is given the dressing room with hot running water and unblocked lavvies, etc. But were getting a long way ahead of ourselves here.

10.17am GMT

Spring has sprung! Yesterday marked the vernal equinox in the northern hemisphere. A new beginning. Flowers bud. Chicks hatch. A more gentle, warmer breeze tickles the saggy bits that are beginning to form under your chin. Its a new dawn, its a new day, and were feeling good (as the bloke who created arch miserablist Gurney Slade once sang). But while nature becomes a thing of warm, cuddly, joyous wonder once again, its got nothing on the blooming splendour of the Uefa Champions League, which has reached the quarter-final stage, where after months of predictable faffing about, the competition suddenly becomes interesting. Very interesting indeed.

Now, to be fair, you wouldnt have been going too far out on a limb if you had predicted this final eight at the start of the campaign. Last years winners Bayern Munich. Last years losing finalists Borussia Dortmund. Last years losing semi-finalists, Barcelona and Real Madrid. Moneybags Paris Saint-Germain, who gave Barca such a good game in the quarters last year. Chelsea, the 2012 winners.

Arsenal.
Manchester United, the hardy perennials of the Champions League. And Atlético Madrid well, perhaps Atlético represent a slight curved ball, but even then the signs were strong early in the campaign that something was stirring at the Vicente Calderón.

Chelsea v Arsenal as it happened

Arsenal were on the wrong end of a battering, a debatable penalty decision and a case of mistaken identity, as Arsene Wenger's 1,000th-match celebrations turned sour

All the best images from Stamford Bridge

2.38pm GMT

A full 83 minutes after this game was over, the game is over. Chelsea were stunning today, and we shouldn't let the brouhaha over the penalty and mistaken red card obscure the fact. They go seven clear of today's "opponents" in third, and Liverpool in second. As for Arsenal... well, let's not riff on their pain. It's a horror show for Arsene Wenger in his 1,000th match in charge of a club he's served with distinction. At least one person's celebrations haven't been spoilt by events reported in this MBM: "Anna says thanks for all the birthday wishes," writes Simon McMahon. "She still wants a pony though. I've told her that if she's a good girl and can wait until the summer, I'll see if I can get her the Arsenal manager's job. Cos she likes donkeys too."

2.36pm GMT

90 min +1: There will be two added minutes. Rosicky hammers a shot straight at Cech. Jose Mourinho disappears down the tunnel before the final whistle. He gets pelters for this sort of thing, but today it might not be so bad. By doing this, he's ensured Wenger doesn't have to suffer the embarrassment of a handshake.

2.34pm GMT

90 min: "There's only one team in London," holler the home fans. There's only one London team left in the title race, you'd have thought, after these six hammer blows. A three-horse race, if you will. "Mac Millings' missing 11th player (85 min) could be 'Gibbs away penalties'," suggests Brian Rafferty, "but that would just be unfair."

2.33pm GMT

88 min: Ivanovic clatters Cazorla to the floor with the shoulder charge of a hoodlum. The free kick, by Arteta from a dangerous position near the left-hand corner flag, is an appalling waste of time. Arsenal won't even be getting a bitter consolation. "I agree with with Charles Morgan (76 min)," replies David Johnston-Raw. "In the mane it's been an un-bridled success for Jose. Arsenal's only hope would appear to play some hoofball, hoping Giroud can get the bit between his teeth."

2.29pm GMT

85 min: If this scoreline stays the same, it's Chelsea's biggest ever win over Arsenal. "On such a special occasion, I thought I'd throw together a Wenger Tribute XI, celebrating the great man's 1,000 games in charge," writes Mac Millings. "Half way through, the game started, and the eleven took a bit of a turn ...

2.28pm GMT

84 min: Schurrle wheechs a low shot inches wide of goal from a position down the right channel. Inches away from a carbon copy of his seventh-minute strike.

2.26pm GMT

83 min: Salah, to the right of the D, attempts a curler into the top left. It finds the top-left corner of the Matthew Harding Stand.

2.24pm GMT

81 min: Ivanovic fires a low cross into the Arsenal box from the right. It's straight down Szczesny's throat, and just as well too, because Torres was lurking. "The ref should credit one of the Chelsea goals to the wrong player," suggests Michael Harker. "You know, even things up a bit."

2.22pm GMT

79 min: I wonder what Wigan Athletic make of this?

2.21pm GMT

77 min: Cazorla, poor determined Cazorla, has a sniff down the inside-left channel, but Cahill slides in before he can reach the ball and take a consolation whack at goal.

2.20pm GMT

76 min: Poor old Arsene Wenger, who is sitting on the bench, arms crossed, hands tightly tucked under his armpits. "Someone should remind David Johnston-Raw (59 mins) that the game's not over yet," writes Charles Morgan. "Don't go putting the cart before the horse."

2.18pm GMT

74 min: Arsenal are currently 1,000-1 to win this game. Which seems a bit tight to me. Bookmakers never got rich by giving away free money, I guess.

2.17pm GMT

73 min: Torres still hasn't scored, mind.

2.16pm GMT

Arsenal may want to go home, but their back line probably shouldn't have buggered off yet. Salah bends his run just inside the Arsenal half, and scampers after a Luiz rake down the left channel. He's free on goal, and slaps confidently into the bottom right. This is a rout. This, let's remember, is Arsene Wenger's 1,000th game in charge of Arsenal. His worst defeat is that 8-2 at Manchester United. He's not ever lost by seven, though. Twenty minutes to go ...

2.13pm GMT

69 min: Luiz takes a belt from distance. Szczesny gathers the low shot at the second attempt, but only just, with Torres sniffing around. Arsenal really do need to watch themselves here.

2.11pm GMT

67 min: Oscar, his work done, departs for Salah.

2.11pm GMT

Oscar, to the left of the D, whips a shot towards the bottom right. Szczesny should deal with it, but only succeeds in weakly palming the ball into the net. Oxlade-Chamberlain would have saved that.

2.09pm GMT

65 min: With Cech meandering along the front edge of his penalty box, Giroud attempts to score from the halfway line. He doesn't connect properly, but hats off to the striker for chutzpah on a difficult day for Arsenal.

2.08pm GMT

64 min: Regarding Chelsea's run-in, they do, of course, still have to go to Anfield. Much depends on whether Liverpool can stay on their tail until the end of April, but if Brendan Rodgers side manage that, and Chelsea come out of the blocks like they've done today, that could be quite a shoot-out.

2.07pm GMT

62 min: Torres dribbles down the right, then checks and cuts back for Oscar, who tries to sidefoot home from the edge of the box. Szczesny tips over, but Chelsea don't get the corner. Given what's happened here, Arsenal probably deserve that at least.

2.05pm GMT

60 min: Cazorla breaks into the area down the inside left, then drags a low shot across Cech and just a couple of inches wide right of the Oxlade-Chamberlain Post. So unlucky, and so close to a consolation goal for the tattered, battered visitors.

2.03pm GMT

59 min: Schurrle threatens to break down the right, but he's a touch offside. He feigns annoyance at the decision, but it's all a bit pantomime, he knows as well as anyone that all the crucial acts have already been played out this afternoon. "I'd like to add my birthday wishes to Anna," writes David Johnston-Raw. "Sadly the only pony round here is the way Arsenal are playing. Arsene could be saddled with a very heavy defeat today. At least the game looks more stable now."

2.01pm GMT

57 min: Free kick for Arsenal, 30 yards out, just to the right of the target. Arteta chips forward aimlessly. This game is drifting along at the moment.

1.59pm GMT

54 min: A fairly subdued atmosphere at Stamford Bridge right now. The Arsenal fans ... well you can understand that. Chelsea supporters, this match done and dusted long ago, will be thinking about a fixture list that doesn't have very many difficult games left on it.

1.56pm GMT

52 min: Rosicky is booked for flipping Azpilicueta into the air like a fried egg. No arguments about that particular decision, huh.

1.55pm GMT

50 min: Fair play to Wenger, who is sitting on the bench with his feet up, kidding on he doesn't care, an insouciant look on his phizog. He might, actually, be past caring. His players have let him down in a big match yet again. "Big props to Simon McMahon, for brilliantly playing the long game with his MBM contributions," writes Matt Dony, who in fairness is not that far behind. "Every Monday night spent being witty about Fulham vs Stoke, every early-morning batting collapse bemoaned, every Sergio Garcia breakdown monitored, all culminating in this moment. Saving himself the outlay on a pony, and the subsequent running costs incurred. Time well spent, and great to see a plan coming together so perfectly. Simon, I bow to you."

1.53pm GMT

47 min: A brisk start to the half for Chelsea, as you'd expect. First Torres attempts to batter one into the bottom right from close range, having worked his way down the flank, then Luiz has a go. Neither can force home. Arsenal want this half over already.

1.52pm GMT

And we're off again! A couple of changes for Arsenal, with Jenkinson and Flamini coming on for Koscielny and, yes, Oxlade-Chamberlain. "On a point of pedantry, can a player be adjudged to have prevented a goalscoring opportunity by handball if a shot is going wide (as Hazard's shot was)?" asks Jeleznyi O'Connor. "Throw in the mistaken identity and it's a cock-up within a cock-up." Technically, yes, though the margins were so slight, I'm not sure the referee can be blamed for that part of the incident. In real time, it looked like an on-target shot was saved, and seeing the intent was there, it's hardly a huge karmic injustice. Had it been the correct player, of course.

1.42pm GMT

HALF-TIME ENTERTAINMENT:

1.37pm GMT

INTRODUCING A NEW HALF-TIME FEATURE TODAY'S BIRTHDAYS! (No1 in a series of 1) "It's my daughter Anna's birthday today," writes Simon McMahon. "She wants a pony, but I think getting a mention on the MBM is worth more. I'm right, aren't I? That's Anna McMahon, 12. Help me out here. Please." It's the least we can do, Simon, seeing your MBM output is second only to that of Gary Naylor. You've contributed so many words, the Guardian is probably legally obliged by now to give you full employment rights. But they're not going to do that, so this will have to do instead ...

Happy birthday, Anna! Have a lovely day! Your daddy's worked his fingers to the bone for this, give the old man a hug! And perhaps this fellow a sugarcube ...

1.33pm GMT

Rosicky gets a shot on target for Arsenal, cutting in from the right, but it's straight at Cech and met by both the keeper and some ironic cheers. And that's that for the opening period. There are some halves of football you can rationalise, and others you can't. Never mind the Gibbs-Ox penalty farce, the big question is: what on earth is Wenger telling his team ahead of these big matches?

1.31pm GMT

45 min: Cazorla really is trying his best to keep Arsenal afloat. He flicks the ball to Giroud down the left. The striker hammers a low shot into the side netting. His early chance seems so very long ago now.

1.30pm GMT

44 min: Matic attempts to curl one into the top-left corner from 25 yards, but the ball balloons off an Arsenal back, taking the sting out of the shot. "Please don't bring Spurs into this (18 mins)," pleads James Chambers. "Us Spurs fans need to enjoy it while we can."

1.28pm GMT

Schurrle flicks a lovely ball down the right for Torres, who is able to romp clear into acres of space along the wing. With Oscar screaming for the ball in the middle, Torres looks to have held on too long, but he eventually fires a low cross towards the near post, where Oscar, rushing in, roofs home. This is a humiliation already, and we're not even at half time.

1.26pm GMT

41 min: After Torres and Schurrle juggle the ball awhile on the right-hand corner of the Arsenal box, Hazard lashes a wild shot high into the Shed End. "This is all Özil's fault, right?" asks Tracy Mohr.

1.24pm GMT

38 min: Penalty farce aside, this is some response by Chelsea to that bonkers defeat at Aston Villa, isn't it? I wonder if all their remaining matches this season are going to spiral out of control in the grand fashion? We're two on the spin already.

1.21pm GMT

36 min: There's a party atmosphere in Stamford Bridge all right, but not exactly the sort Arsenal and Wenger were hoping for. Cazorla is doing his level best to raise the mood, dropping a shoulder to make a little space to the left of the Chelsea D, but Azpilicueta quickly closes him down before he can get a shot away.

1.19pm GMT

33 min: Cazorla tries to make something happen down the Arsenal left, but this already looks futile. Collectively, Arsenal's body language is of abject defeat, all slumped shoulders and backs turned, players not really wanting to receive the ball. "Some respect is due to Wenger on this anniversary day," suggests Charles Antaki. "Can you ask the Guardian compositors to set the rest of this column in something appropriate, maybe black-letter Gothic?"

1.17pm GMT

30 min: A low Schurrle screamer is heading for the bottom left. It's deflected, too, which doesn't help Szczesny, but the keeper manages to fingertip it an inch or so wide of the left-hand post. Nothing comes of the corner, but Arsenal are really struggling here.

1.15pm GMT

28 min: This penalty incident has now broken re-run records previously set by the Zapruder film. Gibbs was standing fairly close to Oxlade-Chamberlain when the dreadful deed was done, by the looks of it. Which doesn't excuse the mistake, but kind of explains it. "Gibbs should protest by coming back out and warming up in Walcott's shirt," quips Waqas Mir.

1.12pm GMT

25 min: Arsenal can't get hold of the ball. Chelsea are quite content to stroke it around the middle right now. All of this penalty nonsense has obscured the fact that Arsenal have yet to turn up.

1.09pm GMT

23 min: Wenger makes a switch, hooking Podolski and shoring things up with the addition of Vermaelen.

1.09pm GMT

22 min: Slow-mo pictures clearly show Oxlade-Chamberlain admitting to the referee that he handled the ball, but the referee had none of it. The shot wasn't going in, either. Not quite. You'll not be hearing the last of this, I'll be bound. On the touchline, Arsene Wenger looks crestfallen, as well he might. How to ruin a celebration, eh?

1.05pm GMT

18 min: So far, away to their title rivals, Arsenal are 14-4 down in 198 minutes of football. Arsenal want to have a long, hard look at themselves. As, come to think of it, do Spurs.

1.03pm GMT

Hazard waits for Szczesny to committ himself, which he does, to the right. Hazard then belts the ball down the middle. This is a farce!

1.02pm GMT

15 min: THIS IS A TOTAL SHAMBLES! PENALTY TO CHELSEA! AND A RED CARD FOR GIBBS! Hazard is in space, in the left-hand portion of the Arsenal box. He lays off to Torres, who faffs about. Eventually the ball's given back to Hazard, who looks to curl the ball into the bottom right! Oxlade-Chamberlain, at full stretch, tips the ball round the post. It's a penalty, and he's got to walk. But the referee sends off Gibbs instead! Dear oh dear! Arsenal are in total disarray, and the referee's caught the bug too!

12.59pm GMT

13 min: A long hoick down the left channel, and Schurrle is so nearly free in the Arsenal area. He can't quite meet the ball with a telescopic leg.

12.57pm GMT

11 min: Arsenal look visibly shocked, much as you'd expect. To a man, they're rickety and nervous in possession. Oxlade-Chamberlain looks to steady the ship with a romp down the inside-right channel, but with Chelsea momentarily on the back foot, he's more than happy to buy a foul off Luiz, hoping for nothing more than calming the stadium down a bit by stopping the play for a while. Good luck with that.

12.54pm GMT

9 min: It's not all good news for Chelsea. Eto'o is down on the floor, his legs stretched out, his fingers doing that roly-poly sub-me mime. His hamstring has gone. He gets up, limps off, and is replaced by Fernando Torres.

12.53pm GMT

Happy 1,000th matchday to yooooo-ooooou! Schurrle latches onto a Cahill pass, rolled down the right wing. He's got Eto'o in attendance, but doesn't need him. Schurrle romps towards the box, then arrows a low shot into the bottom left-hand corner. Eto'o's corner. What a start by Chelsea! This is an Anfieldian start by Arsenal, who are all over the shop!

12.51pm GMT

Schurrle makes good towards the Arsenal area, then slides the ball to his right for Eto'o. The Cameroonian cuts in from the wing, enters the area, takes a touch, and curls a delightful finish across Szczesny and into the bottom left! Happy 1,000th game, Arsene!

12.50pm GMT

4 min: Well, this is end to end all right! First Chelsea break through the Arsenal back line, but Schurrle is a yard offside. Then Giroud is free on the edge of the Chelsea area, to the left of the D, but his low shot towards the bottom right is parried by Cech. And then Chelsea fly up the other end, where ...

12.49pm GMT

3 min: Koscielny gives the ball away, allowing Schurrle to curl a delicious ball into the area from the right. Eto'o is about to latch onto the pass, but Szczesny, busy early on, is quickly off his line to clear.

12.48pm GMT

2 min: Arsenal push Chelsea back into their own half without particularly doing much with the ball. "Mourinho will do Whatever It Takes (intentional capitalistaion)," begins Rob Moline. "Wenger is a purist, beautiful football on a self-sustaining basis. Mourinho teams will always win against Wenger teams. Mourinho teams will always win trophies; Wenger teams will always struggle in the big games. Different people, different outlooks, different teams; and while Mourinho will always win I still admire Wenger and enjoy watching his team play. But if the Arsenal suits want trophies, they've got to get rid of him." Oh Rob! Working a man over at his own party! You haven't put any special liquids in the punch, have you?

12.47pm GMT

1 min: A few seconds gone, and Szczesny is forced to sell Oscar one hell of a dummy, not a million miles from his own goal-line! In fairness to the keeper, he executes it marvellously, and will be well within his rights to deliver his defenders a massive bollocking for dropping him in it like that.

12.46pm GMT

And we're off! It's a lovely sunny day in west London. And a blistering atmosphere raining down from the stands, too. Much as you'd expect in a derby as big as this. And one at the business end of the title race, too! A fairly friendly handshake between the two managers on the touchline, and then Chelsea get the game going, kicking towards the Shed End in the first half.

12.42pm GMT

The teams are out! Chelsea are decked out in their beloved blue ...

12.01pm GMT

Chelsea call up David Luiz, Andre Schurrle and Nemanja Matic: Cech, Ivanovic, Cahill, Terry, Azpilicueta, Luiz, Matic, Schurrle, Oscar, Hazard, Eto'o.
Subs: Lampard, Torres, Mikel, Salah, Ba, Schwarzer, Kalas.

Arsenal - with Wenger looking for a first victory over Jose Mourinho's Chelsea at the 11th attempt - name an unchanged side from the north London derby: Szczesny, Sagna, Mertesacker, Koscielny, Gibbs, Arteta, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Rosicky, Cazorla, Podolski, Giroud.
Subs: Vermaelen, Flamini, Fabianski, Sanogo, Jenkinson, Kallstrom, Gnabry.

11.45am GMT

Happy 1,000th matchday to Arsène Wenger, then. Happy matchday to yooooo-ooooou! So here's an interesting thing, seeing we're in the business of marking time. Exactly ten years ago, give or take a couple of days, Chelsea hosted Arsenal in the first leg of the quarter-finals of the Champions League. The game ended 1-1, Robert Pires cancelling out Eidur Gudjohnsen's opener, and with Marcel Desailly receiving his marching orders towards the end of the match, most folk had the tie marked down as advantage Arsenal. But a couple of weeks later, Wayne Bridge shocked Wenger's men at Highbury with a late sucker punch, and it was Claudio Ranieri's side who advanced to the semis.

West Ham v Manchester United as it happened

Wayne Rooney scored a wonder goal, and a faintly amusing one too, as Manchester United won away from home again

7.23pm GMT

Yep, nothing happened. And that's that! West Ham didn't really contribute much, while Manchester United grabbed the three points without breaking into too much of a sweat. What a goal by Rooney, is pretty much the long and short of it. That's two wins on the bounce for David Moyes's side, which doesn't sound like much for Manchester United, but in the context of their season, it's quite something. Suddenly, the Manchester derby on Tuesday looks winnable. If only they were playing it away from home, eh?

7.20pm GMT

90 min: There will be four added minutes, and nothing will happen in them if the last half an hour is anything to go by.

7.19pm GMT

89 min: Fellaini romps clear into the West Ham box. He's about to pull the trigger before he clatters to the ground. Has Nocerino clipped him? Hard to say at first, because the Sky cameras go all Hawaii-Five-O (original 1968 CBS series), zooming all over the place. But looking at it from another angle, the West Ham man slid in to get the ball, and Fellaini simply crumpled in a rather clumsy fashion. It doesn't really matter either way.

7.16pm GMT

88 min: A quiet end to this game.

7.13pm GMT

85 min: Tomkins and Fellaini challenge a 50-50 ball in the centre circle. The former slides in, and has his leg stamped on by the latter. It was an ugly challenge, though it looked clumsy rather than deliberate. Collins, who has been locked in a low-level running feud with Fellaini all evening, gets involved in a debate with the referee, but no action will be taken.

7.10pm GMT

83 min: Taylor is replaced by Nocerino.

7.10pm GMT

82 min: Another gilt-edged chance spurned, this time at the other end. Kagawa skates into space down the right, and he's got Hernandez clear in the centre. A decent cross would have resulted in a simple header from six yards, but Kagawa floats it far too high, and there goes that.

7.08pm GMT

80 min: Jarvis drops a shoulder and makes off into space down the right. He loops a majestic cross to the far post, where it drops. Sadly, that's also where both Carroll and Cole are experiencing high levels of both confusion and dyspraxia. The ball is bundled out for a corner, but that should have been a goal. Bad strikers! Naughty strikers! "Moyes plays too much Football Manager," suggests Joe McGrath. "Makes subs on/after 75 minutes so they don't get a low match rating."

7.05pm GMT

78 min: Two-goal hero Wayne Rooney - one of his strikes spectacular, one rather silly - is swapped for Danny Welbeck. Mata is also hooked, Hernandez coming on in his wake.

7.03pm GMT

76 min: Upton Park is pretty damn quiet again, save for the warm glow of chatter emanating from the away section.

7.02pm GMT

75 min: A long hoick upfield. Carroll wins a header. Cole doesn't quite get on the end of it.

7.01pm GMT

73 min: Allardyce decides to roll the dice. Off comes Nolan, who has been all elbows and knees tonight. On comes Carlton Cole, the man Roy Hodgson wanted to purchase for Liverpool just before Luis Suarez turned up. Sliding doors, and all that.

6.59pm GMT

71 min: Kagawa strokes a delicate flick down the inside-right channel, springing Rooney clear on goal, but the striker's gone too soon. Daft bugger, because a hat-trick was his for the taking there.

6.57pm GMT

69 min: West Ham appear to have given up. On the touchline, Sam Allardyce has a gob on. He's waving his arms around in the 'Disgusted' style, too. I'm sensing another substitution soon.

6.56pm GMT

68 min: Buttner has a dig from 25 yards. That's coincidentally the height it flew over the bar, and not much further than the distance it whistled left of the target.

6.54pm GMT

66 min: Kagawa, Mata and Fellaini attempt a couple of fancy flicks down the middle of the park, in an attempt to snap West Ham's back line in two. The move doesn't quite come off, but the away side are strutting around right now. Manchester United would be top of the league if home matches didn't count. So much for the Theatre of Dreams, huh?

6.51pm GMT

62 min: Nolan, cutting in from the left, looks to shuttle the ball into the centre for Carroll, but it's deflected down the inside-left channel for McCartney. The full back, had he not hesitated, would have been clean through on goal. He scampers after the ball after the event, and it runs out of play to the left of goal, De Gea out to shepherd it away to safety. West Ham claim the corner, but no no no. A more confident team might have opened up this Manchester United defence, but West Ham don't have their chops up.

6.48pm GMT

60 min: Fellaini batters into the back of Taylor, just to the right of the Manchester United box. A dangerous position for a free kick, but Noble's delivery to the far post is a bit floaty. Carroll can't attack it. It's bundled out for a corner, and Manchester United are dealing with those without too much fuss this evening.

6.46pm GMT

59 min: Jarvis comes on for Diame.

6.46pm GMT

58 min: Kagawa, tight on the byline to the left of goal, curls a high ball to the far post for Young to guide down and goalwards. Rooney tries to thread a header into the bottom right from close range, but his effort is deflected out for a corner that's easily cleared. Manchester United are playing well tonight. Should they hold onto this lead and see out a victory, as they surely will if the evidence of this game is to be our guide, it'll be three wins from their last four league matches. The defeat to Liverpool will have been thoroughly depressing, of course, but the wider trend is promising for David Moyes, especially when you factor in the Olympiakos turnaround.

6.41pm GMT

54 min: Young finds a country mile in the middle of the big city, down the right wing. He wins a corner, from which Rooney is gifted a free header, 12 yards out. Luckily for the Hammers, he balloons it well wide right of the target.

6.40pm GMT

52 min: West Ham look half decent going forward, and Carroll's putting himself about as you'd expect he would. But they're not exactly employing a high-tempo pressing game when they don't have the ball. Manchester United have a lot of time to stroke it around. A move involving Rooney, Mata and Buttner doesn't come off this time, but the three of them had quite a bit of time to think about that. West Ham need to get a bit tighter here.

6.38pm GMT

50 min: Carroll and Nolan combine to win another corner for West Ham down the left. This is a decent response by West Ham after a sluggish start to the half. Meeting the set piece six yards out in front of his own goal, Fellaini slices a clearance over the bar. Gloriously hopeless. The second corner causes a mild kerfuffle, Demel scuffing a shot amid the disorder. Manchester United clear.

6.36pm GMT

48 min: West Ham respond by winning a corner of their own down the left. Fellaini clears it, but Downing comes back at Manchester United down the left, sending a deflected shot out of play on the right. He trots over to take the corner himself, a jog that was more exciting than what then happened at the set piece.

6.34pm GMT

47 min: United waste little time in winning a corner down the left. Young takes it short, exchanging passes with Mata, and curling a shot straight down Adrian's throat from the left-hand corner of the box. A quick start to the half by the away side. Another goal for them, and West Ham are jiggered.

6.33pm GMT

And we're off again! West Ham get the match moving once more. What the home side would give for a third 2-2 draw in a row against Manchester United at this stadium.

6.19pm GMT

Half-time light entertainment:

6.18pm GMT

Rooney hoicks a poor shot well over the bar from the edge of the box. Then Fellaini wins a brilliant ball in the centre, and soon enough Mata's romping into space down the left, and pulling the ball back for Rooney to screw a hopeless volley wide right. And that's the last meaningful action of an entertaining half that was all about a man who is certainly earning his £300,000-a-week wage today.

6.14pm GMT

44 min: West Ham have been passing the ball around nicely, but they're resorting to Allardycian stereotype at the moment, with a couple of thought-free wangs down the wings. It's not working for them.

6.13pm GMT

43 min: Manchester United aren't quite in total control of this game - they've allowed West Ham plenty of time down at their end of the park - but this is a much more controlled performance from them. It's been reported that they might miss Robin van Persie for the rest of the season. Well, the word "miss" is doing an awful lot of work there. Nothing in particular against the Dutch striker, but the Rooney-RVP-Mata trio hasn't been working. With one of them out of the road, United may be able to get something going. Van Persie's bad luck might prove to be rather more fortunate for David Moyes.

6.10pm GMT

40 min: Taylor is booked for an extremely professional hit, a clean nick on the back of Mata's ankles as the Manchester United player picks up a long ball down the inside left channel with attacking intent. The resulting free kick, 25 yards from goal and just to the left of the target, is taken by Rooney. Desirous of a first-half hat-trick, he looks to whip a sidefoot into the top left, but there's too much juice on the effort.

6.08pm GMT

38 min: Carroll fizzes a fairly basic low drive straight into the Manchester United wall. Demel latches onto the loose ball and forces a corner, from which not very much at all is achieved.

6.07pm GMT

37 min: To loud ironic cheers, Fellaini is penalised for nudging Carroll in the back as the two contest a garryowen just to the right of the Manchester United D. What the home side would do for a goal right now. This is a dangerous position from which West Ham may be able to cause some bother.

6.06pm GMT

34 min: Collins is booked for excessive running of the mouth. He wasn't happy with the non-penalty decision at all.

6.05pm GMT

A strangulated appeal for a West Ham penalty as Nolan goes down amid a minor scramble in the Manchester United box. It's not a spot kick, the midfielder's gone down far too easily, spun out of a fair challenge. The away side romp up the other end, Young making good down the right, and firing a low ball into the middle. Noble, on the edge of the six-yard box, turns to hack clear - but succeeds only in pinballing the clearance off Rooney, whose mere presence sends the ball pinging into the bottom-right corner. As preposterous as the first goal was brilliant.

6.02pm GMT

31 min: A bit of a lull in play. It's been a fairly pretty game, with decent chances - or at least half-chances in West Ham's case - at both ends. Upton Park's fallen a wee bit quiet at the moment. "That's twice now I've prefaced a wonder goal by exclaiming a post-watershed version of 'don't shoot from there, you blert' in front of my friends (Joe Cole against Sweden was the other).," admits Mike Gibbons, one of the authors of this upcoming tome, as I live and breathe. "They and I are starting to suspect I know nish about this great game." Hey, I'm in no position to criticise you for it. Manchester United were my prediction for this year's title. Tum te tum.

5.59pm GMT

28 min: Carroll, going up for a West Ham corner sent in from the right, claims a penalty after the ball clanks off Rafael. No haplessness from Brazil's answer to Bruce Forsyth / Larry Grayson / Ant & Dec this time: it's brushed his shoulder. Though it's not clear he was totally sure what was going on there.

5.57pm GMT

26 min: And now the scores should be level! Such is football. Diame has time - just about, it's tight - to get a shot away down the inside-right channel, just inside the Manchester United area. But he attempts to roll the ball under his boot one time too many - i.e. one time - and the over-elaboration costs him. Manchester United close him down, and the chance is gone.

5.55pm GMT

25 min: Mata takes matters into his own hands, spraying a pass out left for Kagawa, who is set free into the West Ham area! But the midfielder's shot is straight down Adrian's throat, and West Ham escape. Manchester United should be two goals to the good.

5.54pm GMT

24 min: Nolan, alone in the centre circle, Rafaels one into the main stand. Wha'? Eh? The quality of this game has dropped a wee bit.

5.53pm GMT

21 min: Manchester United push West Ham back, enjoying an awful lot of possession just in front of the final third. But they can't prise West Ham open, and eventually Rafael passes the ball straight out of play on the right under no pressure whatsoever. It's early evening on a Saturday, so it's the perfect time for televised light entertainment, but Rafael's taking things a wee bit too far in these opening exchanges.

5.50pm GMT

18 min: A lot of space for Rooney down the left. He's got time to shoot, from a tight-ish angle, but opts to pull the ball back instead. It files straight out of the area and back upfield. No good. Still, he's earned himself quite a bit of slack today. What a goal that was! "So Rooney shows Big Sam how to play Route One," quips Lou Roper, an eyebrow mimicking the same up-and-down arc of Rooney's shot.

5.46pm GMT

15 min: Rafael is all over the shop right now. He's skinned on the outside by Downing, who reaches the byline on the left and whips a high cross into the area. Carroll slaps a downward header straight at De Gea. West Ham have responded well to Manchester United's early goal.

5.44pm GMT

13 min: Rafael puts in another rash challenge, a shoulder in the back of Carroll as the pair contest a high ball down the inside-left channel. No booking, but he'll want to watch himself. Noble floats a free kick into the area, where Carroll eyebrows an effort wide right of the target.

5.43pm GMT

9 min: Rafael, who is brilliant and gormless in equal measure, sticks out a cynical shoulder to check the run of Downing along the left wing. That's a booking. Slightly harsh, maybe, but you're giving the referee the chance to pull out his cards when you make challenges like that. The free kick, lumped witlessly into the box, is easily dealt with by Manchester United. "Black boots!" sings Richard Hare. "Everyone in the Scholes photo is in black boots. How many pairs of them will we see today? My bet is none, not even from the keepers - the footballing equivalent of a drummer in a band." I spotted a pair of black boots in a game the other week. Can't remember who was wearing them, or in what match, but that's not really the point: I was genuinely surprised to see them. The modern world's long passed me by, if I'm being honest.

5.39pm GMT

Just inside the West Ham half, to the right of the centre circle, Rooney spins Tomkins under a high ball and spots Adrian well off his line. With the outside of his right boot, he whacks a huge up and under downfield, over the head of the keeper, and into the net! That wasn't just a witless blooter, that was perfectly judged! What a superlative goal - and David Beckham, who pulled that trick off at Wimbledon back in 1996, is in the stands to view it - with a big cheesy grin on his face, for the record!

5.36pm GMT

6 min: Corner to West Ham down the left. Demel meets the set piece, and nearly flicks into the bottom left from close range. But the ball's deflected out for another corner, which is eventually wasted. This is a lovely open start, both teams clearly with attack very much on their minds.

5.35pm GMT

5 min: Tomkins gifts the ball to Kagawa with an awful square pass inside from the West Ham left. Kagawa advances on the West Ham area from the centre circle, and feeds Mata down the inside left. Mata's in the area, and can see the whites of Adrian's eyes, but his shot is poor and straight at the keeper. "David Moyes really IS a football genius," opines David Da-Costa. "Statistically David Moyes is Manchester United's second most successful manager with a 54.55% win ratio. And you can make of that what you will." I'm not far short of totally innumerate, David, it's why I never do the cricket, or get paid well. But better folk than me could get 800 breezy words out of that.

5.34pm GMT

3 min: Young makes a nuisance of himself down the right, forcing McCartney into the concession of a cheap corner. From the set piece, United work the ball through a couple of phases out on the right wing. Young picks up possession and whips a cross in for Fellaini, who heads down towards the bottom right from six yards, level with the left post. It's going in, but Carroll is doing his defensive duty, and shins it off the line. Manchester United unlucky to pick up where they left off against Olympiakos. Great play all round, and I'm including someone connecting ball with shin in that.

5.31pm GMT

2 min: Taylor is not that far away from rolling a pass into space for Demel to romp into down the right. But he undercooks it, and a chance to test this makeshift Manchester United defence early doors is gone.

5.30pm GMT

OK, so we've already had a 6-0, a 5-0, a 3-6 and a 3-2 in the Premier League today. Can these two pop in at least five as well? We'll soon find out, because they've kicked off! And, amid a storm of pre-match bubbles, it's Manchester United who get us going, and they're kicking away from the tube station, towards the stand furthest away from the tube station.

5.26pm GMT

The teams are out! West Ham United are in their world-famous claret and blue clobber ...

4.45pm GMT

West Ham United recall Matthew Taylor and James Collins: Adrian, Demel, Tomkins, Collins, McCartney, Diame, Noble, Downing, Nolan, Taylor, Carroll.
Subs: Reid, Jarvis, Armero, Jaaskelainen, Carlton Cole, Joe Cole, Nocerino.

Manchester United utilise Michael Carrick as a centre back, by the looks of it: De Gea, Rafael, Jones, Carrick, Buttner, Young, Fletcher, Fellaini, Mata, Kagawa, Rooney.
Subs: Evra, Lindegaard, Hernandez, Nani, Welbeck, Cleverley, Januzaj.

4.30pm GMT

Which West Ham United will come out to play this evening? The team miserably whipped around the turn of the year in competitions various by Manchester United, Liverpool, Nottingham Forest and Manchester City? The one that recently hauled itself out of the relegation places in spectacular style with four wins on the bounce? The one that's lost the next two? Good luck in calling that one!

Which Manchester United will come out to play this evening? Good luck in calling that one! For David Moyes's erratic side, 3-0 has been the recent order of the day. Their last three games all ended in the scoreline: an impressive win at West Brom against a side good enough to hold Arsenal, Liverpool and Chelsea at home this season; a miserable no-show against Liverpool; some throwback thrills of cavalier brilliance against Olympiakos.

The senescent soccer sage

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Liverpool v Sunderland as it happened

Liverpool squeaked past a committed Sunderland to reclaim second spot and move a point behind the leaders Chelsea

9.50pm GMT

Liverpool survive! I'm not quite sure how, Sunderland were all over them towards the end of that second half. But they've got the three points they needed, and now they're only a point behind the leaders Chelsea! Brendan Rodgers punches the air more in relief than delight, while his players have the good grace to depart the arena looking somewhat sheepish. They were hanging on by the end there, but that's seven wins in a row now. As for Sunderland, they stay stuck in the relegation zone, but that performance should give them heart for their own battles. Here, a 2-1 scoreline involving Liverpool. That's almost normal, isn't it?

9.49pm GMT

90 min +2: Liverpool are in cup-tie mode now. This is desperate stuff. Johnson and Suarez combine down near the right-hand Sunderland corner flag to pin the away side back.

9.48pm GMT

90 min +1: There will be three added minutes, and the first is up. Suarez and Coutinho have both had chances to break clear into the Sunderland area down the left channel, but their nervous play causes hesitation, allowing the away team to regroup on both occasions, when a calming goal looked a very real possibility.

9.47pm GMT

90 min: Anfield is living on its nerves. Johnson dances down the left and enters the Liverpool box, but his low fizzer isn't anywhere near a yellow Sunderland shirt, and Skrtel can hack clear. Liverpool are all over the shop!

9.45pm GMT

89 min: Dear oh dear! Johnson dinks the free kick, just outside the penalty box by the byline, onto O'Shea's head. O'Shea's effort slides across the face of goal. Any touch will result in an equaliser, but Altidore can't reach it! What a chance!

9.44pm GMT

88 min: Liverpool are playing at a fast-paced panic right now. Allen and Henderson both have opportunities to calm things down for Liverpool, but hesitate, and Sunderland are pressing well. Colback twists and turns down the left, and buys a cheap free kick from Johnson, who is all over his back in the clownish style. This is a very dangerous free kick for Sunderland!

9.41pm GMT

85 min: Sunderland are by far the better team now. Allen wangs a laughable crossfield pass high into the Centenary Stand. Altidore makes good down the right, and his cross is only just cleared by Agger with Ki lurking.

9.40pm GMT

84 min: Bardsley is in acres down the right, romping towards the box. A rather clueless shot hits Flanagan on the arse. "Isn't this a very Kenny Dalglish era Suarez performance?" asks Mark Garcia, who makes a good point. "He wants it for himself too much, and as a result he is trying far too many silly things."

9.39pm GMT

83 min: Colback replaces Dossena, who looked awfully knackered.

9.38pm GMT

82 min: Liverpool are sitting deep, and Anfield is a very tense place now. This is what title run-ins are like. The home support haven't experienced many of late. Sunderland push the home side back but Altidore releases the pressure with a witless foul in the box.

9.37pm GMT

81 min: Suarez turns Cattermole down the left and is obstructed by the Sunderland midfielder before the striker can make off for the box. Suarez takes the free kick himself, looking to whip one up over the wall and back down into the top-left corner. There's just too much on it.

9.35pm GMT

78 min: Suarez looks to float a chip over Mannone from 25 yards, but that's easy pickings for the keeper. The effort came at the end of a minor stramash in the Liverpool area, Ki again making a nuisance of himself. The home side are looking extremely nervous all of a sudden. What would this team be like with a dependable back line?

9.33pm GMT

77 min: Sturridge makes way for Sterling.

9.33pm GMT

A corner's flung in from the right. Liverpool's entire defence falls akip, allowing the ball to fly straight through the six-yard area. Ki is on hand to gently guide a header into an empty net from a couple of yards! What a defence! This is Liverpool.

9.32pm GMT

75 min: Ki has caused quite a bit of bother since coming on. He takes a whack from the edge of the area, level with the right-hand post. Agger throws himself in the road of the ball, deflecting the shot out for a corner. From which ...

9.30pm GMT

74 min: Coutinho claims a penalty kick after slipping as he enters the Sunderland box down the left. The referee isn't going to be giving any cheap decisions today, that's long been clear. "Its an odd state of affairs when the immortal Shankly is the best looking person in a group photograph," argues Mark Lunt. "The only one without the comb-over." A handsome man in any context, Mark. David Beckham, nay Johnny Depp, has nothing on old Shanks.

9.29pm GMT

72 min: Well, that luck's levelled itself up pretty damn quickly! Sturridge, on the edge of the Sunderland D, opens his body and batters a shot towards the top right. It twangs off the crossbar and out! As unlucky as Cattermole! We've just been denied two absolute screamers by some very stubborn Anfield woodwork! Bah, football fans! Bah!

9.28pm GMT

71 min: Cattermole makes matchsticks of Mignolet's crossbar! What an effort! He latches onto a Ki knockdown from the left. He's running to the left of the Liverpool D, and belts an unstoppable riser towards the top right. It hammers the underside of the bar at a ludicrous velocity and comes back out! So unlucky!

9.26pm GMT

69 min: Coutinho nips in from the left and sends a low shot straight at Mannone. The game's gone a little flat all of a sudden, and there was me talking it up, too.

9.22pm GMT

66 min: Ah, this is great end-to-end stuff at the moment. Johnson takes a hammer from 25 yards. It's straight at Mignolet. Then Suarez is sprung clear down the right. His pitching wedge into the centre is headed out by Vergini for a corner, which comes to nothing.

9.21pm GMT

65 min: Suarez dinks a delicious pass down the inside-left channel to release Coutinho into the area. Coutinho flicks an insouciant boot at the ball, his chip floating harmlessly into Mannone's hands. He's rather more animated while booting the hoardings behind the goal in frustration.

9.20pm GMT

63 min: The two Sunderland substitutions nearly combine to great effect, Johnson lifting a clever pass down the inside-left channel, the ball an inch or so from finding the toe on the end of Ki's outstretched leg. A fine pass and a smart run. Liverpool want to watch these two, they are excellent.

9.19pm GMT

62 min: Johnson fizzes another low cross into the Sunderland area from the right. Vergini nearly slices the thing into the top right. Comedy corner. Gerrard, presumably rocking inside with mild amusement, whistles the corner straight into Mannone's hands.

9.18pm GMT

61 min: A double change by Sunderland. Ki and Johnson, two of the club's best players, trot on for Giaccherini and the abysmal Wickham. "Never thought of you in a clown suit and no need to play the ingenue about your brave product placement," quips Tom Clark of my brazen half-time messages. "Shame's got nothing to do with it."

9.16pm GMT

59 min: Liverpool come straight back at Sunderland. First Suarez zips in from the left and flashes a shot, meant for the top right, into the Kop. Then Johnson makes good down the right, and his low cross is only just snaffled by Mannone before Suarez can latch onto it.

9.15pm GMT

57 min: Sunderland show upfield for the first time in a while, Altidore thinking about having a lash, just to the left of the Liverpool D, but opting to roll a pass down the channel towards the offside Giaccherini instead. Hmm. A bit better, I suppose.

9.13pm GMT

54 min: Suarez stops a certain Sturridge goal! Brilliant play by Coutinho, down the inside left channel, to slide Flanagan into the area. Flanagan's low cross finds Sturridge cutting in from the right. He meets the ball first time and guides it towards the unguarded bottom left, but Suarez can't contort his body out of the way. (Think Milan Baros attempting to get out of Vladimir Smicer's shot in Istanbul in 2005, but not managing it.) He tries to rectify the situation by chasing after the ball he's deflected, and backheeling it home at the right-hand post, but Mannone is all over that one. The resulting corner comes to naught. Sturridge and Suarez have one of their little tiffs, but you know what they're like, they'll be all hugs in the morning.

9.09pm GMT

53 min: A stunning run from Suarez, slaloming down the centre of the park before rolling the ball out right for Sturridge, whose cross is only just hacked clear by Vergini amid a forest of red shirts in the Sunderland area. Liverpool have their tails up now.

9.07pm GMT

49 min: Pretty much immediately from the restart, Suarez races towards the Sunderland box and is lightly clipped just outside the area by Cattermole. Liverpool claim the penalty, though, and perhaps rather karmically don't even get the free kick. In fairness to the referee, there seemed to be minimal contact there, it wasn't as outrageous a decision as it first looked.

9.05pm GMT

Sturridge picks up the ball just to the right of the Sunderland area. He takes a touch inside, drops a shoulder, and curls a stunner into the top left! There's a slight deflection, but let that take nothing away from a superlative effort! Liverpool finally have some breathing space.

9.03pm GMT

46 min: A strange static moment as Johnson and Dossena stand admiring the ball as it sits politely on the byline, to the right of the Sunderland goal. Dossena eventually takes charge of the situation and whips the ball back upfield, but only straight at Suarez, who, ten yards out on the right edge of the box, attempts a whipper into the top left. It's nowhere near going in.

9.01pm GMT

And we're off again! Fans of pictures, photos, looking at stuff, etc., can peruse our ever-growing Gallery of tonight's action from Anfield. I'll keep going with the old words, though, I'll not let you down with those. Well, I will, but there will be more words. No changes, and Liverpool get the ball rolling again, kicking towards the Kop, as is their second-half preference.

8.53pm GMT

Self-serving half-time announcements: Fans of retro Liverpool chat should get on Anatomy of Liverpool, the latest tome by Jonathan Wilson (and some other clown). Meanwhile, fans of retro World Cup action (and Twitter) should get following @gazzabook immediately, if not sooner.

8.48pm GMT

A nervy performance by Liverpool, but they're leading. Sunderland will feel slightly hard done by to be losing - they've been very impressive defensively - but then Liverpool will feel aggrieved by the lack of a red card for Vergini. Emotional swings and roundabouts, then. All of which makes for an intriguing second half!

8.46pm GMT

45 min: Kevin Friend is aptly named, certainly when it comes to his dealings with Vergini. The clumsy defender is very late as he slides in on Suarez, the striker looking to break clear down the left. That really should be a booking, as Suarez was romping into lots of space, and it'd have been the end of Vergini's involvement. But it's just a stern chat. Vergini could easily have picked up a red and a yellow, but all he's been shown so far is the one yellow.

8.44pm GMT

43 min: But Sunderland are soon coming back at Liverpool, Giachherini raking a cross from the left which Flanagan is forced to head out for another Sunderland corner. Which leads to another corner. Which leads to nothing much for the visitors, but if anything it's Liverpool who will be happy to hear the half-time whistle in the wake of that goal.

8.43pm GMT

42 min: Sunderland have responded well to falling behind. They've seen plenty of the ball. And suddenly Wickham is given all the time in the world, just in front of the Liverpool D. After a painfully slow decision-making process, he opts to take a shot. His low drive, looking for the bottom left, deflects off Skrtel, forcing Mignolet to tip the ball out of play to the right. Corner, which is wasted.

8.40pm GMT

40 min: Bardsley is booked for a narky foul on Flanagan down the Liverpool left. He can have few complaints.

8.39pm GMT

... their captain Steven Gerrard steps up and hammers a shot into the top right! Well, it's not quite in the top-right corner, but near enough, and hit with such pace that Mannone can't get a hand on it. Anfield erupts!

8.38pm GMT

37 min: A decision here for the referee to make! Suarez is about to scamper clear towards the area, after robbing the ball off Vergini. On the edge of the D, Suarez is hacked down by the defender. Free kick, but is it a red? Well, no, yellow's flashed, with Brown a couple of yards away from the incident to the right. But it's at least debatable as to whether Brown would have got there in time, and whether Vergini was last man. You've seen red cards given, put it that way. But Liverpool aren't too fussed, because, from the free kick ...

8.36pm GMT

35 min: Suarez takes matters into his own hands with a determined scamper down the right. He cuts inside and hoicks a shot high and wide left. Decent, but not brilliant. Liverpool are, pretty much to a man, severely under-performing here.

8.34pm GMT

33 min: Very many Liverpool triangles down the right, Suarez, Sturridge, Coutinho, Henderson, Allen and Johnson all involved. After what seems like an age, Gerrard steps up and whips a cross into the danger zone. It's easily cleared by Sunderland. There's still a lot of noise in Anfield, but frustration and nerves are very much the top notes. Sunderland will be delighted with how this is panning out so far.

8.32pm GMT

30 min: Liverpool ping it around hither and yon, all around the Sunderland box, but go nowhere. Difficult to say whether Sunderland could cope with this sort of stuff all evening, or if Liverpool will eventually find a way to unlock the puzzle. Their first equaliser at Cardiff last week, a move of very many passes, suggests the latter is possible. Sunderland's determined display so far is an argument for the former outcome, too.

8.28pm GMT

27 min: Allen goes on a progressive wander down the middle of the park, drifting to the right, dropping a shoulder and then looking for the top-right corner from 20 yards. It's over the bar, but not by miles. Mannone takes a year and a day to restart the game with his goal kick, a tactic that results in plenty of pantomime booing from the home support.

8.26pm GMT

25 min: Suarez goes down, 20 yards out, after latching onto a loose ball and zipping past Vergini, only to be lightly brushed by Dossena as he makes for the box. He could have stayed on his feet, but opts to buy the free kick instead. Unfortunately, the referee is in no mood to allow him to cash it in, and waves play on. It would have been a soft free kick, but there was contact and you've seen them given. Suarez has a face on, much as you'd expect, and embellishes the look by throwing semaphore shapes in frustration.

8.24pm GMT

24 min: Johnson finds himself in a bit of space down the right, but hits a woeful cross-cum-shot into the stands to the left of Mannone's goal. A wee bit early for the old desperation-cum-frustration to be setting in, you'd have thought.

8.23pm GMT

22 min: Anfield is a bit quiet right now. So much for all that pre-match work. Sunderland will be very happy with the opening quarter of this match. Liverpool have been given plenty of possession 30 yards out, but nothing's coming off for them near the box, with the Sunderland back five looking pretty damn solid.

8.21pm GMT

20 min: Bardsley is on the floor in his own penalty area, rolling around in pain. Who's clattered him? Ah, that renowned hard man, the Graeme Souness de nos jours, Joe Allen. Oh Phil! Reputations have been lost for a lot less! In fairness, the full back gets up quickly enough, and has the good grace to look a bit embarrassed.

8.19pm GMT

18 min: Allen flips a clever reverse ball down the left for Suarez, who whips a cross to the far post with the outside of his boot. There's too much on the first-time cross, forcing Sturridge to stretch high. He brushes his eyebrows on it, but can't guide it goalwards, and looks to have strained his neck. He rubs it awhile, grimacing theatrically. He looks to be OK, though, writes Dr Murray, who is a quack, because less than 60 seconds later he's bustling around down the left, trying one of his fancy backheels. Unlike at Cardiff, this one doesn't come off.

8.16pm GMT

15 min: Sturridge slips a ball down the inside-right channel to release Johnson into the Sunderland area. He finds Suarez, ten yards out, with a crisp pullback, but the linesman's hair-trigger flag has popped up, and the chance is void. Liverpool have cause to feel a bit irritated by that.

8.15pm GMT

13 min: A chance for Bardsley to take a snapshot at a dropping ball on the edge of the Liverpool area. He doesn't connect properly, allowing Allen to bustle the ball away from danger. A few hearts in mouths in the home stands there. Sunderland look well capable of fashioning a few chances here.

8.13pm GMT

12 min: Suarez is very close to making Brown look incredibly daft down the right wing, dropping a shoulder to double back past him at ridiculous velocity from a standing start. But Brown isn't so green as he's cabbage looking, and the experienced defender manages to haul himself back into the battle and stick with the striker, eventually forcing him into flicking a pass down the channel for Sturridge that's too strong and flies out of play for a goal kick.

8.11pm GMT

10 min: Coutinho jigs down the inside-left channel, then slides the ball infield for Henderson, who in turn shuttles it on to Sturridge, on the right-hand corner of the area. The striker takes a touch back infield and lets rip a riser which clears the bar easily enough. Mannone hasn't had anything to do yet. Sunderland will be happy enough with this start, they're holding their shape very nicely and look confident on the ball.

8.09pm GMT

8 min: Bridcutt takes a couple of steps into the Liverpool half, and decides he's been given enough time to take a shot. His rising, swerving blooter isn't bad, though sails over the bar. He should have had a corner, as the ball took a slight deflection off Gerrard's boot, but the referee's seen nothing, and Liverpool get lucky. An open feel to this game, and if the space Bridcutt was allowed then is anything to go by, we could have another daft scoreline on our hands here.

8.07pm GMT

7 min: Free kick to Liverpool, as O'Shea shoves Sturridge lightly in the back just to the left of the Sunderland D. Sturridge doesn't need asking twice to go down. Suarez takes the set piece, and whips a sidefoot with the intention of planting the ball into the top left. It's not far away at all, but Mannone assumed the no-sweat air of a man who had it covered were it on target.

8.05pm GMT

5 min: Coutinho glides in from the left and looks to curl one into the top right from 25 yards. He's given it a good belt, but that's sailing into the stand behind the goal, always too high and wide right.

8.05pm GMT

2 min: Johnson comes in from the right and looks for the top-left corner, but no no no. That's a long way off, high and wide left of the target. "Liverpool have managed in the last decade to draw this type of match so often that to be honest a win would surprise me," admits Patrick Crumlish. "It's the hope that kills you." Yes, hope's got no place in football. Prolonged exposure to it defeats everyone eventually, like gin, or Twitter.

8.02pm GMT

1 min: Sturridge loiters down the right, and eventually lifts a cross into the Sunderland six yard box. There's nobody in red in attendance, though Vergini makes a rare old song and dance of trapping the ball, then letting Mannone hack clear. Just for a second, it looked like he'd let the cross clank between his legs, and was in danger of turning the thing into his own net. A nervous start by the third centre back.

8.00pm GMT

A quick romp through the Rodgers and Hammerstein songbook - and we're off! Sunderland get the ball rolling, and they'll be kicking towards the Kop in the first half. "What are the chances that Dossena comes back to haunt Liverpool for letting him go?" wonders Bryan Tisinger. "95%? 30%? 1%? 0%?" I'm an easily confused man, and for a minute I misread those numbers as scorelines. 1-0. 3-0. 9-5. None of it's beyond the realms, is it?

7.58pm GMT

The teams are out! Liverpool are in their famous all-red strip, which means Sunderland, they of the renowned red-and-white stripes, must wear their yellow shirts and blue shorts. Anfield really is giving it plenty here, plenty of noise pinging around the stadium as the players do the polite pre-match thing and shake hands. "I fondly recall the returning Andrea Dossena's audacious chip over Edwin van der Sar in the 4-1 destruction of Manchester United at Old Trafford back in 2009," swoons Peter Oh. "I also remember Fergie saying in the post-match that United were 'the better team'. Well, may Sunderland be the better team today, as long as Liverpool win 7-4." Dossena also scored a late fourth goal in Liverpool's 4-0 evisceration of Real Madrid four days earlier. A strange week that was all right.

7.55pm GMT

Expect a crackling atmosphere at Anfield tonight. The place is always louder in the evenings, with fans having had more opportunity to lubricate their vocal chords with a liberal application of Yellow Entertainment Generator. But extra effort appears to have been made from the get-go tonight, with supporters lining the streets to welcome the team coach in the grand style. Encouragement is very much the order of the day. Sunderland meanwhile will be looking to start quickly, a la Cardiff, to give the away section something to work with. Eardrum-bothering end-to-end classic, please! It's on!

7.13pm GMT

Liverpool name the same XI sent out at Cardiff: Mignolet, Johnson, Skrtel, Agger, Flanagan, Gerrard, Henderson, Allen, Coutinho, Sturridge, Suarez.
Subs: Jones, Aspas, Moses, Sakho, Cissokho, Lucas, Sterling.

Sunderland throw the recalled Connor Wickham into the team, with Fabio Borini ineligible against his parent club: Mannone, Brown, O'Shea, Vergini, Bardsley, Cattermole, Bridcutt, Dossena, Giaccherini, Altidore, Wickham.
Subs: Ustari, Ki, Larsson, Johnson, Colback, Roberge, Scocco.

6.45pm GMT

A cursory glance at the form guide, and this really does look like a home banker. Sunderland are struggling in the relegation zone, and have lost five of their last seven games, scoring only three times during a miserable run. Liverpool, on the other hand, are making a leftfield title challenge, having won six league games on the spin, scoring 24 goals in the process (while letting in nine, admittedly, but that's part of their charm). It should be a shoo-in. It's surely a shoo-in?

Ah, but hold those horses! Sunderland might be 16-1 shots to win tonight at Anfield a ground where they've not tasted victory since October 1983, when Gary Rowell stuck a penalty past Bruce Grobbelaar - but they've caused trouble at Liverpool often enough. Sunderland have visited Anfield 12 times in the Premier League era, and have come away with a point on six occasions. They may have lost heavily here last season, 3-0, but their two previous visits were draws, 1-1 in August 2011, 2-2 in September 2010. Sunderland also have a couple of recent wins under their belts at the Stadium of Light, courtesy of N Bendtner in 2012, and B Ball in 2009. In summary: Liverpool don't always like it when the Black Cats cross their path. The form guide says it should be a shoo-in. But it surely isn't a shoo-in.