Scott Murray's Blog, page 187

Juventus v Dortmund: Champions League last-16 – as it happened | Scott Murray

Carlos Tevez and Alvaro Morata were Juve’s heroes as the Italian champions beat the Bundesliga strugglers in Turin.

9.39pm GMT

And that’s that. A strange but entertaining game of football. Dortmund were probably the best team for the first hour, Juve were the better after it. But the home side came out of both periods in credit. They’ll be very happy with their evening’s work. Dortmund will still fancy their chances in the second leg, which is set up almost perfectly. This one’s in the balance all right, Champions League knock-out football at its best. “If sub Coman does a Vinnie-Jones-on-Gazza to Marco, please say Coman Feel The Reus,” pleads Mac Millings, again proving that so much of comedy is in the timing.

9.37pm GMT

90 min +2: Blaszczykowski strides into the Juve half, down the inside-right channel. He’s got options in the box, but slips a half-arsed pass forwards towards nobody in particular, and into the grateful arms of Buffon.

9.35pm GMT

90 min +1: There will be three added minutes. The first sees Schmelzer romp off down the left. He reaches the byline, then balloons a lumpen disgrace of a cross into the stand on the right touchline.

9.34pm GMT

90 min: So nearly a nightmare introduction for Coman, who concedes possession in the middle of the park, allowing Blaszczykowski to bomb down the right. The winger reaches the box, but his cross into the centre is hopeless, and easily larruped clear by Juve.

9.32pm GMT

89 min: And now Coman replaces Tevez.

9.31pm GMT

87 min: Vidal is replaced by Padoin.

9.31pm GMT

86 min: They’d have been happier had this gone in! Marchisio slips a low, hard pass down the middle for Morata on the edge of the D. Morata flicks a clever pass to the left for Pereyra, who breaks into the area. He’s one on one with Weidenfeller, albeit at a restricted angle. Pereyra prods the ball past the flailing keeper, but the ball bounces agonisingly wide of the right-hand post, with the net unguarded. So close to a precious two-goal lead!

9.29pm GMT

85 min: This is scrappy nonsense right now. And Juve are more than happy.

9.27pm GMT

83 min: Schmelzer tries to beat Buffon from 30 yards up the left wing. No, I don’t think so either.

9.26pm GMT

81 min: Kirch is in a bit of space down the right. His high cross is met by Hummels, who heads powerfully wide right. Bonucci takes a clatter upside the head and goes down for some treatment. The clock ticks on, the home side’s friend.

9.24pm GMT

79 min: Pereyra is this close to breaking clear down the middle. He doesn’t get there in time, and can’t flick the second-phase ball forward for Tevez. But Dortmund are a bit of a shambles at the back right now. Better up front, though, and here’s Mkhitaryan breaking down the right channel again. Pereyra trips him, and he’s in the book. The free kick, from Reus, is no good.

9.22pm GMT

78 min: Tevez makes good down the right, drops a shoulder, and batters a shot towards the top right. Weidenfeller, who has been distinctly unimpressive tonight, manages to meet it with a strong arm, punching round for a corner. The set piece is headed over the bar by regular nuisance Chiellini.

9.21pm GMT

76 min: Mkhitaryan has a lash from 25 yards down the left. The effort’s not bad at all, zipping inches wide of the left-hand post. Buffon might not have been getting there. Dortmund are at least asking questions, though they’re being held at arm’s length here.

9.20pm GMT

74 min: Immobile attempts a Lars Ricken style whistle from the best part of 40 yards. His spectacular boom from a position deep down the inside-right channel is only just over the bar. Buffon had it covered, though. And that’s Immobile’s last act of the evening, as he’s replaced by secretarial speed test Blaszczykowski.

9.18pm GMT

73 min: Nothing comes from that set piece, but Juve are looking the most likely now. First Ginter and Weidenfeller get themselves in an awful tangle on the edge of the Dortmund area, only just managing to deal with a long ball down the middle, Morata lurking. The ball’s hacked out for a throw, from which another Juve corner is won, this time down the right. Chiellini meets the set piece with his nut, and that’s a goal kick. Dortmund, much the better side for so long, are second best right now. And probably have been since the restart, on balance.

9.16pm GMT

71 min: Pogba jigs down the left, checks back, and finds Tevez on the edge of the Dortmund D. There’s neither much space nor time for backlift, but Tevez prods a shot inches wide left of the target. There was a slight deflection, in fact, and that’s a corner.

9.14pm GMT

70 min: Juve are probably better off if the pace of this game drops. To this end, Chiellini goes down under a common-or-garden high-ball challenge with Immobile, and there’s a lovely lull.

9.13pm GMT

68 min: It’s gone end to end again, in the first-half style. First Morata very nearly scoots clear, chasing a long ball down the middle, but Weidenfeller gathers on the edge of his area before the striker can get a toe to the ball. Then Aubameyang goes on a Power Meander down the right, and wins a corner. Again, the German side’s set piece delivery is an inept disgrace, and Pogba clears with a yawn.

9.11pm GMT

66 min: Mkhitaryan skedaddles down the inside-right channel, a mazy run that leads to him being upended 30 yards from goal. A chance for Dortmund to load the box. Sahin curls a deep ball to the far post. There’s no yellow shirt near the dropping ball, but Lichtsteiner doesn’t get the call and heads behind for the corner. Luckily for the right back, the set piece is a complete and utter waste of everyone’s time.

9.09pm GMT

65 min: Morata is sent clear into space down the left by a delicious crossfield pass by Bonucci. He can’t find a team-mate with the cross. Juve are beginning to set about Dortmund for the first time in this tie.

9.07pm GMT

62 min: A ball whipped into the Dortmund area from the Juve right. Schmelzer’s clearing header isn’t much cop, and Tevez connects with his boot, racing down the inside-left channel. He can’t keep the shot down. But the Bundesliga strugglers - despite being the more assured side up the other end - don’t look particularly secure at the back.

9.05pm GMT

61 min: Pogba smacks Kirch in the coupon, but it looks unintentional. There’s been no side to this game, despite the high-octane commitment.

9.04pm GMT

60 min: Both teams guilty of over-elaboration in the middle of the park. A relative lull as a result, but still there’s the sense that this game could crackle back into life at any second. It’s Dortmund with the crisper passing, but Juve are repeatedly threatening to break dangerously.

9.01pm GMT

57 min: Morata zips down the right, then launches diagonally for Pogba, who breaks into the area. For a second it looks like Pogba’s going to break through a couple of challenges and get a shot away, but he’s eventually crowded out.

9.00pm GMT

56 min: Mkhitaryan sends a blooter goalwards from a central position, 25 yards out. The ball’s deflected right for Immobile, who with his back to goal, turns through 180 degrees and lashes a shot towards the bottom right. Buffon is behind it all the way.

8.59pm GMT

54 min: They certainly do need to watch themselves. Juve win another corner, this time down the left. Marchisio’s centre is mishandled by Weidenfeller at the near post, before being snaffled at the second attempt with Bonucci lurking. Juve aren’t playing particularly well, but they’re doing their best to punish Dortmund for every single defensive lapse.

8.57pm GMT

52 min: And just as in the first half, Dortmund display some brittle defensive failings. Lichtsteiner wins a corner down the left. The set piece is met by Evra on the penalty spot. Evra clanks the ball up and over the neon yellow back line for Marchisio, who is free, six yards out, on the corner of the six-yard box. Marchisio scores three rugby points. He was offside, sparing some blushes for that hopeless finish. But Dortmund, despite being much the better side, really need to watch themselves here.

8.55pm GMT

51 min: Dortmund have started the second half as they finished the first: the stronger side. They’re also still losing. Pereyra attempts to turn the tide a bit for Juve by breaking down the left, but he can’t manufacture a cross.

8.53pm GMT

49 min: Vidal, who could easily have been booked in the first half, does see yellow now, cynically lunging into Reus as the Dortmund genius sashays at speed down the inside left. Schmelzer floats the ball into the area. It hits Immobile on the back, and breaks to Kirch, on the right-hand edge of the D. Kirch’s first touch is a high-velocity caress with the outside of the boot, the idea being to curl a half-volley into the top left. Nope! That hasn’t happened.

8.51pm GMT

47 min: A fairly scrappy start to the half. Reus attempts to send Schmelzer scampering into space down the left. But there’s not enough space, the left back running the ball out of play.

8.50pm GMT

After a preposterous amount of fannying around in the tunnel, the teams eventually take to the field again. Dortmund make an MBM-reporter-friendly switch, replacing Papastathopoulos with Kirch. Juve get the ball rolling again.

8.35pm GMT

Half-time entertainment: Here’s Pelé scoring for Santos against Juventus. It’s not a bad one.

8.34pm GMT

Nothing happens in added time. Dortmund have been the better side, but it’s the Italian champions who are leading. A brilliantly entertaining half of football, which has fair zipped by, and sets up a fascinating second period. No flipping!

8.32pm GMT

45 min: There will be two added minutes tacked onto this first half.

8.31pm GMT

44 min: Dortmund look collectively stunned at that turn of events, as well they might. Immobile chases after a long, desperate belt down the middle, but he’s offside.

8.30pm GMT

And having said all that, Juve break upfield quickly through Tevez, who bustles down the middle. He slips the ball out left for Pogba, who rolls a pass inside for Morata, who on the edge of the six-yard box, opens up his body and sidefoots powerfully into the bottom right. Juventus were beginning to seriously misfire as a unit, with Dortmund well on top, but suddenly the whole game has been turned on its head! What a half of football this has been!

8.28pm GMT

41 min: A corner for Dortmund down the left. Schmelzer lumps it towards the near post, where Immobile lurks. Chiellini heads clear. Juve attempt to break upfield, but the earlier threat of Tevez and Morata isn’t quite there right now.

8.27pm GMT

40 min: Vidal crumps his heel down on the top of Immobile’s boot. Ooyah, oof, that’s a sore one. That could have been a yellow card, too. Juve are beginning to display a little frustration.

8.26pm GMT

39 min: Dortmund are getting on top. Immobile scoops a pass down the right wing. He’s very close to releasing Aubameyang, but Evra does enough, just, tracking back. The danger’s cleared, but Juve can’t keep hold of the ball, and soon enough Dortmund are pressing again. The home support are annoyed, vocally so.

8.24pm GMT

37 min: Pirlo has picked up a knock, and departs. Shame shame shame. Pereyra comes on in his stead.

8.23pm GMT

36 min: Reus is striding around in the grand manner. He makes space down the left, and so nearly finds Immobile in the centre with an exquisite curler. But the ball is blocked for a corner, and the set piece comes to nothing.

8.21pm GMT

34 min: Sahin, striding down the inside-right channel, hits a riser towards the top right. Buffon parries, and makes a meal of doing so, the ball nearly squirting out for a corner on the right. But the spin is kind to the keeper, and he’s able to gather second time around.

8.20pm GMT

33 min: Aubameyang reaches the byline down the right and pulls back a low cross into the centre for Gundogan. But Bonucci nips in to batter clear. It’s a very open, pretty game.

8.19pm GMT

32 min: Piszczek can’t continue. He’s replaced by Ginter, and helped off down the tunnel.

8.18pm GMT

31 min: Pirlo slides a pass out to the left for Evra, who romps into space and shuttles one forward for Vidal, just inside the Dortmund box. Vidal miscontrols, much to the crowd’s displeasure, but that was a lovely high-speed passing move. Better control from Vidal and Morata was free in the middle.

8.16pm GMT

29 min: Pogba is extremely fortunate to escape a yellow card for a late slide into the back of Piszczek. That was a fairly nasty clip on the ankles. He’ll miss the second leg if he gets booked tonight.

8.14pm GMT

26 min: Hummels needlessly upends Vidal, near the left-hand corner flag. Pirlo whips a cross up, down and towards the far post, where Bonucci rises. He plants his header into the stand behind, but should really have found the top right there. Magnificent delivery by Pirlo! “It’s so good to see Juventus playing in a decent stadium with, y’know, actual atmosphere and stuff,” opines Matt Dony. “I remember Arsenal playing them at the Stadio Delle Alpi, must’ve been early 00s, and you could clearly hear a dog barking above the ‘crowd’. The magic of the Champions’ League.”

8.11pm GMT

24 min: Vidal and Evra busy themselves down the left, earning a corner off Hummels. Pirlo whips the set piece to the near post. Immobile is forced to eyebrow it out for another corner. From which Dortmund nearly score. Pirlo’s deep set piece is meant for Pogba, on the edge of the box, but Reus tears up the left with the loose ball instead. The play’s switched, and Mkhitaryan, on the right-hand edge of the area, lashes a cross-cum-shot a yard or so wide of the left-hand post. This is a brilliant game, and good luck trying to work out who’s going to score next.

8.09pm GMT

21 min: Tevez scampers after a long ball down the inside-left channel. He hooks it back from the byline for Morata, who attempts to guide a header into the bottom-right corner from the penalty spot. It’s not quite on target, sailing wide right of the goal, and Weidenfeller would have had it covered in any case.

8.07pm GMT

It’s four in four for the astonishing Marco Reus, but what a balls-up by Juventus! A ball bouncing down the inside-left channel should be swept up by Bonucci. It isn’t. Bonucci opts to leave it for Chiellini, just inside, to his left. Chiellini slips, and Reus, loitering, nudges the ball to the right, and suddenly he’s clear on goal! He strides towards the area and lashes low and hard into the centre of the net. Buffon had no chance. You’ll not see such abject defending again all season!

8.03pm GMT

16 min: Yes, a decent response. Reus swivels inside from the left, and loops a cross towards the far post, where Aubameyang isn’t far away from connecting with the noggin.

8.02pm GMT

15 min: What will this early setback do for Dortmund’s fragile confidence? They respond well, in as much as they keep possession at the back for a couple of minutes, perhaps with a view to clearing their heads. The home fans are giving it plenty.

8.00pm GMT

Reus attempts to break into the Juve box down the right. Better control, and he’d have been in. And it costs his team, because Juve break upfield through Morata down the left. Morata enters the area and looks for the far corner. His low shot is parried by Weidenfeller, weakly. He only succeeds in teeing up Tevez, who can squirt the ball into an unguarded net from the edge of the six-yard box.

7.58pm GMT

10 min: Moratta and Tevez romp down the inside-right channel at speed, looking to break with Dortmund light at the back. But Schmelzer slides in between them and hooks the ball out from between the Juve pair, then gets up and lashes it back upfield in one smooth movement. Sort of like Peter Beardsley’s magnificent touch against Brighton and Hove Albion here, but with the emphasis on destruction rather than creation. Sort of.

7.55pm GMT

7 min: Space for Morata down the left. He cuts a ball back for Pogba, on the left-hand corner of the box. He can’t fashion a cross. Pirlo eventually wangs a long ball to the other wing where Marchisio wins a corner. The set piece doesn’t trouble Dortmund, but the home side are applying a bit of pressure right now.

7.51pm GMT

4 min: Buffon, under pressure, slices a clearance straight out of play, the ball flying into the stand neat to the right-hand corner flag. Dortmund gift possession straight back with a foul throw. It’s amateur hour!

7.50pm GMT

2 min: Schmelzer flips Tevez into the air, on the edge of the Dortmund D. That should be a free kick for Juve, in a dangerous position, but isn’t. This is a nice, breezy, fresh start, though. Both teams stroking it around at speed, and adroitly to boot.

7.49pm GMT

And we’re off! A magnificent atmosphere in the relatively dinky Juventus Stadium, an arena which knocks the Stadio Delle Alpi into a cocked titfer. Dortmund get the ball rolling, and launch it long. Wallop. Top-level European football right here! Juve pass it around the back awhile. But Dortmund are soon coming back at their hosts, and Immobile decides to have a thrash from 3o yards. He looks to whip a sidefoot into the top-left corner. What an effort! Not far over the bar, and it was moving around this way and that, too. A few inches lower, and Buffon would have had some early work to do.

7.44pm GMT

The teams are out! Juventus are in their famous Notts County inspired black and white, while Borussia Dortmund wear their eye-blitzing yellow. The official Champions League anthem, Zadok the Bastardised Priest, blasts out of the PA system and adds not a jot to the atmosphere.

7.26pm GMT

Juve welcome back Arturo Vidal, who missed the recent win over Atalanta, while Massimiliano Allegri prefers Álvaro Morata to Fernando Llorente up front. Meanwhile quite a few of the Dortmund squad have had the sniffles this week; captain Mats Hummels has recovered, while Jakub Blaszczykowski makes the bench. The in-form Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang and Marco Reus - both architects of Dortmund’s recent Bundesliga revival, scoring seven goals between them in the last three games - flank Ciro Immobile up front.

“Looking at the names on the sheet for Dortmund leads me to ask how you and your fellow MBMers avoid a cavalcade of spelling mistakes during the course of the game,” writes Tracy Mohr. “A special key available only to Guardian keyboards?” A special Guardian key would add spelling mistakes, surely. But anyway, no such technological help for us. We simply thank the football gods every day for bringing us top stars such as Reus and Nuri Sahin, pray Sokratis Papastathopoulos has a quiet game, and hope that Błaszczykowski’s runny nose keeps him on the bench. Pity my poor sausage-shaped fingers!

7.05pm GMT

Juventus: Buffon, Lichtsteiner, Bonucci, Chiellini, Evra, Marchisio, Pirlo, Pogba, Vidal, Tevez, Morata.
Subs: Storari, Caceres, Ogbonna, Coman, Llorente, Padoin, Pereyra.

Borussia Dortmund: Weidenfeller, Piszczek, Papastathopoulos, Hummels, Schmelzer, Gundogan, Sahin, Aubameyang, Mkhitaryan, Reus, Immobile.
Subs: Langerak, Kehl, Kagawa, Blaszczykowski, Ramos, Kirch, Ginter.

6.30pm GMT

Juventus and Borussia Dortmund meet for the first time since the 1997 Champions League final, Karl-Heinz Riedle’s double, Alessandro Del Piero’s cheeky backflick, Lars Ricken’s absurd long-range hoick, all that. Eighteen years is a mighty long time. Quite the wait, especially when you consider the pair had only met for the first time in 1993, but subsequently bumped into each other regularly during an intense four-year period of high-profile European battle.

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Granny Fiver's tender sprouts

Click here to have the Fiver sent to your inbox every weekday at 5pm, or if your usual copy has stopped arriving

NO HO HO

Christmas is always a big event at Fiver Towers. The festivities usually begin sometime in mid-June, when the John Lewis advert comes out and turns the Fiver into such a blubbering, incoherent, sentimental mess that a comprehensive course of sedatives is administered by concerned medical professionals. The Fiver comes down from its woozy high in mid-November, at which point Granny Fiver puts the sprouts on. Then it’s the big day: presents; exchange of receipts for presents; morning pints of Board Game Argument Instigator; Queen’s speech; complaints about consistency of sprouts; Doctor Who; visit of police and confiscation of Cluedo board; and finally bed, or blackout, whichever comes first. Then it’s turkey sandwiches until May. Ho ho ho! It’s the same every year, always has been, always will be.

‘WHY DOES THE SUN COME UP, OR ARE THE STARS JUST PINHOLES IN THE CURTAIN OF THE NIGHT?’

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Celtic v Inter: Europa League – live! | Scott Murray

Celtic recovered from a dreadful start to scramble a draw in a wonderful goal frenzy at Parkhead.

9.58pm GMT

Gordon punches the air, his second half finishing in much-better style than the first. Redemption! Guidetti has scrambled a draw, and suddenly a result at the San Siro appears less of a pipe dream! What a magnificent match! You’ll see no better in the Europa League this season. You’ll see no better in the Champions League, either, I’ll be bound. The spirit of ‘67 lives on? Aye! Damn straight.

9.57pm GMT

90 min +5: Shaqiri is upended, 30 yards from goal, in a central position. He gets up, and curls a stunning free kick towards the top right. It’s flying in, but Gordon, at full stretch parries away! And that’s it!!!

9.56pm GMT

What a finish to this game! Mackay-Steven comes in from the right and feeds Henderson, on the left-hand edge of the D. Henderson sends a delicate pitching wedge over the Inter back line, diagonally to Guidetti, busting into the box down the inside-right channel. He chests down and batters a rising shot into the roof of the net! Parkhead erupts!

9.54pm GMT

90 min +2: Inter aren’t pinning Celtic back, as such, but they’re doing enough harrying to force the home side to fanny around in their own half.

9.53pm GMT

90 min +1: Henderson is booked for a wild hack on Guarin.

9.52pm GMT

90 min: Guidetti rises high to head a long ball out to Mackay-Steven, down the inside-right channel. The winger nearly guides it towards the left channel for Johansen, but his pass is cut out. There will be four added minutes.

9.51pm GMT

88 min: This game is petering out a bit. Celtic need to turn the temperature up. As things stand, they’ll need at least two away goals in the second leg at the San Siro.

9.50pm GMT

9.49pm GMT

87 min: Johansen is booked for an elbow into Medel’s back. That’s a bit harsh, it looked like a fair scrap, and accidental enough.

9.48pm GMT

86 min: Ranocchia is down with cramp. The Parkhead masses aren’t particularly sympathetic to his plight. Treatment took the best part of two minutes. He’s naturally fine to continue, so hats off to the Italian doctors there.

9.46pm GMT

84 min: Shaqiri has a belt from 30 yards. It’s going into the bottom-right corner, but Gordon - who sees the swerving, dipping ball late - gets down brilliantly to parry clear.

9.44pm GMT

83 min: The free kick’s cleared by Inter, but Mackay-Steven is soon coming back at them. He twists and turns down the left, reaching the corner of the six-yard box, but can’t get a shot away or deliver a killer ball inside. Celtic are beginning to get a bit desperate. They really need a goal if they’re to have any chance at the San Siro, you would have thought.

9.43pm GMT

81 min: Campagnaro comes straight through the back of Henderson, and is booked. Free kick for Celtic, down the left. Before they can take it, Ambrose comes on for an injured Matthews.

9.42pm GMT

79 min: Kuzmanovic is replaced by

Ken
Dodo.

9.40pm GMT

78 min: Gordon whacks a goal kick straight down the middle. Guidetti flicks a header on. Johansen very nearly breaks clear of the Inter back line. Some 1987-style route-one shapes being thrown there. Wing Commander Reep would be proud.

9.39pm GMT

76 min: And it’s so nearly an instant impact by Celtic’s subs! Mackay-Steven lifts a ball into the Inter box from the right. Guidetti’s presence in the centre forces Ranocchia to flick a header towards the left-hand side of the box, where Henderson chests down and lumps a half-decent effort straight at Carrizo.

9.37pm GMT

75 min: Changes, finally. Inter replace Icardi with Kovacic. Celtic make a double swap: Armstrong and Griffiths off, Henderson and Guidetti on.

9.37pm GMT

74 min: Guarin bombs after a long ball down the left. He’s clean through! But he never quite gets the bouncing ball under control, and having stalled, allowing Celtic to regroup, his low cross inside is picked off by van Dijk.

9.35pm GMT

73 min: The excellent Mackay-Steven sashays down the right and reaches the Inter box. And then the byline. His pullback’s not quite so decent, though, and is hacked clear by Juan. “It’s not that my memory is that good,” replies Matt Dony. It’s that my life is that empty. Sigh.”

9.33pm GMT

72 min: Palacio races down the right and is dragged back by van Dijk, who is rightly booked. A free kick, level with the edge of the area, out on the wing. With the box loaded, Shaqiri tries to outwit Gordon by whipping a ball to the bottom-right corner. But the keeper’s behind it all the way. Gordon’s done all that’s been required of him in this second half, a fine response to the pain and misery of the first.

9.32pm GMT

70 min: Corner for Inter down the right. Shaqiri takes. Gordon tries to punch clear, but can’t. His lack of contact isn’t quite as dramatic as Ranocchia’s, though. The defender attempts an overhead kick, but only disturbs a pocket of air.

9.31pm GMT

68 min: Santon is booked for impeding Mackay-Steven down the right. The free kick is launched to the far post by Johansen, and is good enough that Campagnaro must turn it behind for a corner. The set piece is headed behind by Palacio. The second corner finds Brown on the edge of the box. Brown absolutely blooters a shot goalwards, but it’s going through a thicket and blocked. Wow. Celtic so close to drawing level on a couple of occasions here!

9.28pm GMT

66 min: Izaguirre, deep on the left, launches a high diagonal ball into the Inter box. Johansen, level with the right-hand post, 12 yards out, guides the ball down for Griffiths, to his left. Griffiths is one on one with Carrizo! But the keeper makes himself big, and Schmeichels the ball away. What a chance! And what a save!

9.27pm GMT

65 min: Celtic are enjoying the lion’s share of possession right now, but doing very little with it. Inter seem happy enough to sit back, let Celtic have the run of the centre circle, and hope to break upfield occasionally.

9.25pm GMT

63 min: Shaqiri is getting battered from pillar to post. Biton bundles him over down the right. Guarin hoicks a long free kick into the box. Denayer clears. Celtic romp up the other end, Brown bustling down the inside-right. For a second it looks as though he might wheech into space, but Inter surround him, and the danger is gone. “Please can you forward my apologies to world memory champion Matt Dony (47 min) and let him know that I don’t think Liverpool, much like Dundee United, will be winning anything this season, or indeed any time soon,” writes Simon McMahon (entries passim). I would tell you two to get a room, but nobody else is emailing in, so.

9.24pm GMT

61 min: Guarin does belt it, a daisycutter. Gordon saves well. Celtic whip up the other end, Mackay-Steven making good down the inside-left. He reaches the area, and takes a lash. Carrizo is all over his low shot. A floated chip would have done for Inter there, but it’s hardly an easy skill to execute at full pelt.

9.22pm GMT

60 min: Inter triangulate a lot in the middle of the park. Armstrong eventually loses patience and upends Shaqiri, 35 yards from goal, level with the left-hand post. Inter load the box. Guarin might belt it, though.

9.20pm GMT

58 min: Santon drops a shoulder and makes into the Celtic box down the left. Matthews extends a telescopic leg, adroitly so, because he doesn’t concede a penalty, as he so easily could. Brilliant tackle. Corner. And the set piece is another thundering waste of time.

9.19pm GMT

57 min: But no goals in this half yet. What’s going on? An awful lot of pressing is what’s going on. This is high-octane stuff. It’s like lugging Shell Oil straight from the tin.

9.17pm GMT

55 min: Biton, 35 yards out, decides to fire one towards the bottom left. It’s not far away, either, sending Carrizo scrambling. The keeper probably had it covered, but that’s not far away, inches wide of the left-hand post.

9.16pm GMT

54 min: Shaqiri is afforded ludicrous amounts of space down the right. He meanders down the wing, cuts inside, and looks for the bottom left with a curler. It’s going in, but Gordon fingertips away. Corner, from which nothing comes.

9.14pm GMT

52 min: Inter pass it around in pretty triangles as they make their way upfield from deep. This is lovely football. Eventually Medel takes a whack from 30 yards up the inside-right channel. The ball takes a wicked deflection off the back of Palacio, to the right of the D, and nearly trundles into the bottom-left corner at speed. Gordon is down quickly to parry well, and he doesn’t need to worry about dealing with any second-phase action, because Palacio was offside and the flag goes up.

9.12pm GMT

49 min: Chances at either end. A lovely little flick by Biton to diddle his way past Shaqiri. He strides towards the area and lashes a shot goalwards. No danger, though. Inter break upfield, Palacio racing clear down the inside left channel with Celtic snoozing! Gordon is the hero this time, smothering the resulting shot from the edge of the area. Good luck in guessing which way this game’s going!

9.09pm GMT

47 min: Shaqiri makes a nuisance of himself down the left, eventually flicking a ball into space for Santon, who reaches the byline and attempts a pull back. The ball’s whacked clear by van Dijk. “There’s something satisfyingly karmic about seeing McMahon try and jinx Celtic, especially after he spectacularly jinxed Liverpool’s title challenge last year,” writes Matt Dony. “I don’t care if it plays in to ‘long Liverpool memory’ stereotypes, I’m still bitter, McMahon. And I hope Celtic win everything. Apart from the Europa League. (But if they could knock out Inter, that’d be super.)”

9.07pm GMT

And we’re off again! Celtic get the ball rolling. No changes. No change to Gordon’s coupon, either: the poor lad still looks utterly haunted as a result of making that horrendous mistake.

Palacio scores just before half time after capitalising on a save from Gordon in the box.

8.56pm GMT

Half-time Italian advertisement:

8.54pm GMT

What a half of football. I would style it as a half of two halves, but Gordon and Palacio have conspired to bugger that cheap observation. More of this, though, please. What a half of football! The Champions League? Pah!

8.52pm GMT

45 min +1: Time for Johansen to romp down the left and whip a ball into the Inter six-yard box. Ranocchia allows it to clank between his legs, but before Griffiths can pounce, Santon hacks clear. And that’s that for the first half.

8.51pm GMT

Oh Craig Gordon! A common-or-garden blooter down the middle of the park. Palacio chases after it, entering the area to the left of the D. But Gordon is out to claim. Or he should claim. At full stretch, Gordon gets his hands on the ball, but lets it slip through. All of a sudden, the keeper’s prone, and Palacio has the ball at his feet at a tight angle to the left. He rolls it into the net, and Celtic’s keeper hangs his head.

8.49pm GMT

44 min: Izaguirre hacks away at Campagnaro’s ankle, as the full back throws some shapes down the right. He’s lucky to avoid a booking. The rain appears to be turning to sleet. This is a free kick, 12 yards from the dead-ball line, out on the right wing. Shaqiri whips the free kick up, down and towards the far post, but there’s no Inter team-mate there, and even if there was the ball was too strong.

8.47pm GMT

42 min: Biton races down the middle, before spraying a pass wide right for Mackay-Steven, who attempts to shuttle a first-time pass down the channel to release Griffiths. Nearly, but not quite. Celtic are soon coming back at Inter, and there’s a game of pinball in the Inter box. Mackay-Steven sends in a piledriver from distance down the inside right. It comes off Johansen, then clanks into Medel’s chest as the Inter midfield man lies on the floor. Celtic claim handball and a penalty kick, but they’re not getting that.

8.45pm GMT

40 min: It’s a lull, in so much as nothing of note is happening. But everyone’s still racing around at silly mph, snapping into tackles, closing opponents down. Celtic have certainly woken up and are pressing hard. Inter have belatedly realised they’re in a scrap now, and are responding accordingly. This is excellent entertainment.

8.43pm GMT

37 min: Shaqiri is booked for a dainty dive over Izaguirre’s leg, as he ostensibly looks to make ground down the right wing. He’s not happy with the decision.

8.42pm GMT

36 min: Guarin clumsily takes down Armstrong, as the Celtic midfielder looks to break towards the Inter box. This is a free kick, just to the right of the Inter D, but a couple of yards further out. Griffiths looks to curl a spectacular effort into the top left, but it’s way overcooked.

8.40pm GMT

35 min: Matthews tears after a long ball down the right. Clear of the Inter back line, he nearly gets to it, but Carrizo zips out of his area to hack clear. “Ok I’m going to stop sending emails now,” lies Simon McMahon, “but not before saying that Celtic are going to thrash United three times next month. In both cups, and the league. That’s a given.”

8.39pm GMT

33 min: Matthews goes on a skitter down the right, and is brought down by a panicked Palacio, tracking back. That’s a free kick near the byline, just outside the area. Johansen fires a mid-height free kick towards the far post at 348mph. Biton somehow gets on the end of it, but can only turn it wide left of goal from ten yards or so. Celtic, utterly implausibly given the way the first 20 minutes panned out, are on top here!

8.37pm GMT

31 min: Sheer brilliance from Mackay-Steven, who diddles in from the right, slipping his way past two men. A one two, and he’s past another defender. Finally a stramash on the edge of the box, and he’s 12 inches or so away from getting a shot away as he breaks into the area! Inter hack clear.

8.35pm GMT

30 min: I hope Simon McMahon (23 min) is OK.

8.35pm GMT

29 min: Izaguirre lifts a high ball into the Celtic box from deep on the left. Griffiths gets a head to it, aiming for the top left from the edge of the area, but can’t keep the effort down. The crowd appreciate the effort, though.

8.34pm GMT

28 min: Shaqiri has the ball, advancing dangerously towards the Celtic box. He thinks about shooting, but Campagnaro is in acres down the right. He feeds the ball across. Campagnaro strides into the area, but with three powder-blue shirts waiting for the cross, can only find Brown, who blooters clear. For a second, it looked like Celtic were going to undo all that good work.

8.32pm GMT

27 min: Celtic and Inter, huh. Dear me!

8.32pm GMT

And another! What scenes here! A throw down the right. And a flick on by Matthews into the area. Griffiths challenges at the near post, but misses the ball. No matter! Armstrong is roaring in again, but though he doesn’t convert, his mere presence pressures Campagnaro into shinning the ball into the bottom right! One minute and 13 seconds between the goals, and this is on!!!

8.30pm GMT

And suddenly Celtic are right back into this! Matthews executes a crisp one-two with Griffiths down the right, and scoots into space. He’s clear in the area! He rips towards the touchline, pulls the ball back, and Armstrong sidefoots home from 12 yards!

8.29pm GMT

23 min: Celtic aren’t doing much right now. But they’ve quelled Inter’s early fire at least. “St Johnstone at Tannadice on Saturday must seem like quite an attractive prospect for a couple of the Celtic players right now,” writes Dundee United’s Simon McMahon, suddenly a wee bit happier it would seem.

8.28pm GMT

21 min: And this is better, too: Matthews makes off down the right and curls a cross towards the penalty spot, where Griffiths guides a soft back-flick goalwards. It’s mopped up by Inter. A little shout for a free kick a few seconds earlier, as Johansen and Ranocchia come together as the pair challenge for a long ball down the left. The referee’s not having any of it, almost certainly correctly. But it’s just as well for Inter that he’s made that decision, for if that was a foul, Ranocchia was last man, and would be off to enjoy a shower that isn’t made of rain.

8.25pm GMT

19 min: Celtic attempt to get something going upfield. Izaguirre, deep down the left, lifts a long diagonal pass towards Griffiths down the other channel. The ball’s a bit too hot, and the striker’s a yard offside anyway. That’s a bit better, though. Pretty much anything would qualify as better right now.

8.23pm GMT

18 min: Kuzmanovic flies a shot in from the left wing. It’s dealt with by Gordon easily enough. Inter are totally dominant.

8.22pm GMT

16 min: Guarin nearly busts through the middle of Celtic’s defence with a crisp one-two, Palacio doing the spadework. Celtic really need to watch themselves here. Inter are playing magnificently, but the home side need to start pressing a bit, because the Italians have all the space in the world to do their thing.

8.21pm GMT

15 min: Inter are three on two. Fortunately for Celtic, Icardi’s pass out left is to nobody in particular, and the home side breathe again. They are all over the shop.

8.20pm GMT

A corner on the right. It’s swung out long for Shaqiri, to the left of the D. The Swiss winger lifts a diagonal ball back towards the right-hand post. Izaguirre takes a fresh-air swipe at his attempted clearance. Palacio suddenly has the ball at his feet, clear in the area. He batters the ball under Gordon, and Celtic are in all sorts of bother already.

8.18pm GMT

12 min: From a throw flung in from the right, Shaqiri rolls his man on the right-hand corner of the Celtic box and belts a shot towards the bottom right. Brilliant effort, parried clear by Gordon. Great save, but ...

8.17pm GMT

11 min: Celtic falling behind hasn’t affected the volume in Parkhead. If anything, the loyal (not in that sense) faithful are making even more noise. Bedlam, bedlam, bedlam. Though Celtic will be asking a lot of their fans if they keep playing like this: they afford Kuzmanovic acres of space in the middle of their own half, and the Inter man glides forward unchallenged. He eventually looks to curl one into the top right from the best part of 30 yards. Ambitious, and ultimately unsuccessful, but it’s not a bad effort, only a tad high and wide right.

8.14pm GMT

8 min: A couple of decent balls by Celtic in attack. First Izaguirre hits long down the middle and nearly releases Armstrong into the area down the inside-right channel. The pass is a tad too long. Then, a couple of phases later, Armstrong makes good ground down the left and wraps his foot round a delicious cross. Griffiths nearly gets on the end of it, ten yards out in the middle, but Santon reads the danger, getting ahead of the striker to clear. A fairly hectic start, this.

8.12pm GMT

6 min: Inter had been causing Celtic a bit of trouble before the goal. Campagnaro had been clattered down the right by Armstrong. Free kick for Inter, who loaded the box. Shaqiri whipped a fairly useless low ball into the box, allowing Izaguirre to hack clear. All well and good, but Celtic failed to respond when Inter came straight back at them. They’ll need to clear their heads quickly.

8.11pm GMT

This is so simple. Kuzmanovic, down the left, loops a ball inside for Shaqiri, who makes it into the area down the channel, ahead of van Dijk. Shaqiri shoots for the bottom left, but it’s going wide. Problem for Celtic is, Gordon comes across to parry the shot, and the ball comes back to the Swiss star, who slots the rebound confidently into the now unguarded net. Inter already paying Celtic back for 1967, then.

8.08pm GMT

3 min: Play is stopped by a rogue plastic bag. American Beauty has nothing on this.

8.07pm GMT

2 min: It’s a wild night, weather wise, and there’s an atmosphere to match. Celtic waste no time in stealing the ball off Inter. They start fast. Mackay-Steven cuts in from the right and sends a daisycutter towards goal from 20 yards. Not a bad idea in these conditions. But Carrizo handles well.

8.05pm GMT

And after a lusty rendition of You’ll Never Walk Alone, the referee blows his whistle: we’re off! Inter get the ball rolling, wearing a powder-blue away kit. Celtic, as if you need to be told, sport their green-and-white hoops.

8.03pm GMT

Weather report: It’s tipping down at Parkhead. Slick Stein-esque football, please, Celtic! The home fans unveil a magnificent banner: an old school telly set, the screen eventually revealing a picture of Stevie Chalmers guiding home the winning goal of the 1967 European Cup final. That’ll have taken some stitching. “So Armstrong and GMS both start; Europa League ties versus Inter at Celtic Park and the San Siro is all well and good, but it’s not exactly Partick Thistle at Tannadice, is it?” Dundee United fan Simon McMahon, there, crying into his pint, Inverness Caley Thistle disappearing off into the distance.

7.56pm GMT

The atmosphere is building at Parkhead. The spirit of ‘67, as it says on the banner hanging behind the Jimmy Johnstone statue. Lisbon Lion Bertie Auld has just been on the pitch, whipping up the crowd by screaming “You are Celtic Football Club! We’re here as a family! It’s a way of life!” while spinning round and round through 3,600 degrees. Most folk would fall down in a dizzy heap, but Auld stays on his feet, steady as a rock. Hey, he’ll have had to mark Jinky in training every now and then, it’s like riding a bike.

7.29pm GMT

No Kris Commons for Celtic, then. His hamstring has yet to repair itself. Gary Mackay-Steven and Stuart Armstrong make their European debuts for the club. As for Inter, it’s happy birthday to striker Mauro Icardi, 22. Happy birthday dear Mauro, happy birthday to yo-ooo-ooo-ooou. Meanwhile second-choice goalkeeper Juan Pablo Carrizo has been preferred to regular number one Samir Handanovic.

7.21pm GMT

Celtic: Gordon, Matthews, Denayer, van Dijk, Izaguirre, Brown, Biton, Mackay-Steven, Johansen, Armstrong, Griffiths.
Subs: Zaluska, Ambrose, Guidetti, Scepovic, Wakaso, McGregor, Henderson.

Internazionale: Carrizo, Santon, Ranocchia, Juan Jesus, Campagnaro, Kuzmanovic, Guarin, Medel, Shaqiri, Palacio, Icardi.
Subs: Handanovic, Kovacic, Vidic, Obi, Dodo, Puscas, Hernanes.

7.10pm GMT

So, recent form. The Celtic of 2015 aren’t Jock Stein good, or Martin O’Neill good, or even John Barnes against Aberdeen good. It’s been average stuff, on the whole, under Ronny Deila so far. But they are picking up results, and the football’s getting slowly slicker. Seven wins on the bounce, Leigh Griffiths in the goals, top of the league, and still in both cups. You can’t ask for much more. And they’re doing a damn sight better in the Scottish Premier League than Inter are in Serie A. Roberto Mancini’s side are a mundane mid-table outfit right now. They’ve lost three of their last five matches. That stat’s slightly misleading, because Inter have won their last two in convincing style, 3-0 against Palerno, 4-1 over Atalanta. And Celtic have lost their last four matches against Italian opposition. But those defeats were against Milan and Juventus, and the long and the short of it is: if you factor away penalty shoot-outs, Inter have never beaten Celtic. Ever. The Italian giants are the bookies’ favourites tonight, but this sort of thing has to count for something. Doesn’t it?

7.05pm GMT

The Celtic Football Club and Internazionale Milano. Well, what a fixture steeped in history this is! But let’s not go over 1967, that beautiful tree-lined gladiatorial arena of the Estadio Nacional in Lisbon, Tommy Gemmill, Stevie Chalmers, the cavaliers trouncing the roundheads in the slaying of catenaccio, all that. Not again. Instead, let’s concentrate on the European Cup semi-final of 1972, which produced a grand total of zero goals during its 210-minute running time. Nothing much happened, and arguably the most pointless penalty ever was scored. Yes, let’s concentrate on that!

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Holding out for a hero | The Fiver

Click here to have the Fiver sent to your inbox every weekday at 5pm, or if your usual copy has stopped arriving

FIFA, FIGO AND FOIE GRAS

Fifa has only had three presidents since 1961 and – how shall we say this – none of them have been completely perfect. Stanley Rous bent over backwards to accommodate South Africa during the apartheid years. João Havelange was primarily concerned with erecting billboards advertising Heavily Marketed Red Global Concern, a popular multinational brand of fizzy brown drink. And the current incumbent, Sepp Blatter, has stockpiled so much foie gras at Fifa HQ in Zurich that cities as far away as Frankfurt, Munich and Genoa are on constant avalanche alert, in case the parfait peaks of the mountain finally give way, the resulting landslide turning vast swathes of the continent into little more than rich, buttery, gourmet rubble.

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PSG v Chelsea: Champions League second round -as it happened | Scott Murray

PSG were the better side, but it’s advantage Chelsea as Jose Mourinho’s men battle hard and defend staunchly to earn a precious draw

9.36pm GMT

... nothing. Chelsea mop up the set piece, and that’s that! Chelsea were on the back foot for the majority of that match, but they escape from the Parc des Princes with a precious draw - and an away goal! PSG will wonder how they didn’t win the match. Chelsea will be strong favourites to make it to the quarter-finals now. An entertaining game, albeit not one that’ll take up too much space in Chelsea’s long history book.

9.35pm GMT

90 min +2: A ball’s swung into the Chelsea box from the left. Ibrahimovic meets it with a powerful downwards header. It balloons up and is heading for the top right, but Courtois tips the ball round the post. And from the resulting corner ...

9.34pm GMT

90 min +1: There will be two added minutes of this.

9.34pm GMT

90 min: From the left-hand corner of the Chelsea box, Pastore wedges a delightful cross towards the near post. Terry is taken out of the picture, but Matuidi, extending a leg, can’t connect.

9.33pm GMT

89 min: Cavani over-runs the ball in the centre circle, allowing Oscar to nip away with it. Chelsea take the opportunity to run down the clock with a period of unambitious passing around the back. But there’s a time and place for ambition. Their work here is nearly done.

9.30pm GMT

88 min: All PSG again, but mainly in the PSG half. Matuidi tries to break free into the Chelsea box down the left, but is quickly smothered by a neon yellow blanket.

9.28pm GMT

85 min: The changes keep on comin’. Oscar is the latest new boy, coming on for Fabregas. A long ball’s hoicked into the Chelsea box down the middle. Ibrahomovic gets his head to the ball, though can only send it flying off to the left. Pastore chases a ball that looks like it’s going out of play for a goal kick, looping it to the far post. Cavani attempts an overhead, six yards out, but takes a fresh air shot. Adding insult to injury, the ball clanks off his arse as he falls to the floor, and away from danger. But Chelsea are giving up a few chances here, which is very much unlike them. A draw will be a magnificent result.

9.25pm GMT

83 min: Maxwell, in a tight spot on the left, rolls a clever little pass inside, through a tight gap for Pastore, who is suddenly in space to the left of the D. His attempted curler is appalling.

9.24pm GMT

82 min: A couple of changes, one for either side. Lavezzi is replaced by Pastore, while Costa makes way for Remy.

9.24pm GMT

80 min: Cuadrado comes on for Willian. Then after the restart, PSG carve Chelsea open down the left. Cavani and Lavezzi exchange crisp passes, the former breaking clear into the box. He’s only got Courtois to beat, albeit from a tight angle. He pokes the ball past the keeper, but it bobbles agonisingly wide of the right-hand post. Inches away from a precious lead.

9.22pm GMT

79 min: Chelsea load the Paris box, but can’t find a yellow shirt. That is poor. A subsequent tatty period of play in the midfield ends with Verratti picking up a very deserved booking for a studs-up slide on Hazard. That was pretty nasty, red cards have been produced for challenges like that in the past.

9.20pm GMT

77 min: Or are they? After soaking up pressure for the best part of four minutes, they spring upfield through Willian down the right. Willian can’t make space in the area for a shot, so checks back and finds Hazard, who is bundled to the floor by Luiz, 40 yards from goal out on the right.

9.19pm GMT

76 min: It’s all PSG, but in the middle of the park right now. Chelsea are sitting back, compact, filling all the gaps, happy to keep going like this until full time if needs be.

9.16pm GMT

73 min: Fabregas is booked for clipping the heels of Matuidi, who has turned him down the inside-left channel. A free kick in a dangerous area, the best part of 30 yards from goal. Ibrahomovic wants to take it, but Luiz firmly makes his case. He might not be getting another dig, for his effort is sidefooted gormlessly into the wall.

9.14pm GMT

72 min: All a bit scrappy at the moment. Chelsea will be the far happier team should it remain so. This is still a decent scoreline for Mourinho’s men, and would be a great result.

9.13pm GMT

69 min: Ibrahomovic chases a long, bouncing bomb down the inside-left channel, near the centre circle. He nudges it past Cahill, who cleverly nudges him to the floor. Ibrahimovic would have been free in acres down the left, with only Terry covering. That should have been a free kick, but Cahill gets away with it. On the floor, arms outstretched, Ibrahimovic is perplexed.

9.11pm GMT

66 min: Ivanovic is booked for a ludicrously cynical rugby tackle on Lavezzi as the two slip around on the floor down the left, the winger getting up first with a view to making off towards the goal. That’s a free kick, just to the left of the area. It’s whipped in for Ibrahimovic, who aims his header towards the top right. But the ball is tipped over by Courtois, a marvellous reaction. A couple of corners are taken as a result, but eventually Courtois claims one cleanly, and the pressure is released.

9.08pm GMT

65 min: Luiz brings Hazard down as the Chelsea man skitters down the left. Fabregas whips the set piece into the box. Ibrahomovic clears with a spectacular can-can clearance. He’s entertaining, idiosyncratically so, at both ends of the pitch.

9.06pm GMT

63 min: Luiz blocks Costa in the midfield. It’s a foul, no more, no less. Luiz gets in Costa’s face, begging for a reaction. And he gets one, Costa shoving him in the chest. The referee barks at the pair to stop being so bloody childish. Luiz is clearly fishing for a reaction, and Costa is biting. The striker needs to calm down a little.

9.04pm GMT

60 min: Van der Wiel in space down the right. The full back reaches the byline and pulls a ball low to the near post for Matuidi. Terry steps in to concede a corner. Chelsea clear, but PSG are soon pouring back at them. First Cavani nearly breaks down the right. He can’t get a shot away. Then the ball’s looped to the left, where Ibrahimovic breaks clear into the area. His low shot, aimed for the bottom right, is parried brilliantly by Courtois. The rebound falls to Lavezzi, who sidefoots powerfully towards the unguarded net. Or it’s unguarded by a keeper, anyway; Azpilicueta is on hand to make the block! PSG have turned up the heat, and all of a sudden this could be a long 30 minutes for Chelsea.

9.00pm GMT

57 min: ... Sirigu claims a Fabregas free kick with confidence. Ivanovic was looking to challenge, and for a second it looks like he’s looking for trouble, too, but is ushered back upfield before the atmosphere can curdle.

8.59pm GMT

56 min: Well that’s warmed the crowd up. It wasn’t as if the Parc des Princes was particularly quiet beforehand, but there’s a roaring atmosphere now. Chelsea respond to the setback well, though, Azpilicueta making trouble down the left to win a corner kick. From which ...

8.58pm GMT

Costa and Luiz engage in a bit of light shoving in the middle of the park. PSG are getting frustrated. But no more! Matuidi is sent into space down the left. From a deep position, he loops a cross into the box for Cavani, ten yards out, a little to the left of centre. Cavani heads powerfully down, the ball bounding up and into the top right, out of the reach of the despairing Courtois. PSG are right back in this!

8.57pm GMT

8.56pm GMT

53 min: Hazard is the victim this time, as van der Viel comes through the back of him, 40 yards from goal down the Chelsea left. That’s a booking. The ball’s lumped rather witlessly into the PSG box, and easily dealt with by Thiago Silva, who heads clear while being fouled. Free kick, and the pressure’s off PSG. A second goal for Chelsea would surely kill this tie.

8.54pm GMT

51 min: Verratti and Hazard compete for a high ball down the PSG right. Both players miss the ball. Hazard brushes Verratti’s chin as the pair sail elegantly through the air. Verratti wants a foul, but he’s not getting it.

8.52pm GMT

49 min: Thiago Silva rakes a long ball down the inside-right channel. Ibrahimovic rises high in the box to head down towards Lavezzi to his left, but Cahill steps in to boot upfield. “Rules is rules, Scott,” writes Simon McMahon, having visited the Minor Controversy dept. at half time. “Allow Luis to get away with this, and before you know it players will be diving, swearing, feigning injury, trying to get people sent off, you name it.”

8.50pm GMT

47 min: Lavezzi breaks into the Chelsea box down the left, but there’s not much space to play with. He over-elaborates, too, and is eventually dispossessed.

8.50pm GMT

And we’re off again! Chelsea get the ball rolling again, as they look to become the first away team to win a European tie at PSG since 2006. Meanwhile there’s been some more minor Luiz-related controversy, with footage of Costa tugging away at the PSG defender-midfielder’s Shirley Temple curls as the two exchanged a full and frank exchange of views during a pause in play. Grown men. Grown men.

8.44pm GMT

Minor controversy dept. “Did I dream or did Luiz simply wipe away the free-kick foam and replace the ball thirty centimetres to the left?” wonders Loig Thivend. It would appear not!

8.39pm GMT

Half-time advertisement: Starring erstwhile Fulham chairman Tommy Trinder. So apologies to Chelsea fans for that. But at least this one’s not in Norwegian. Betyr flere km i tanken! You lucky peøple!

8.34pm GMT

And that’s the first half of a well-executed smash and grab completed. Chelsea soaked up a lot of pressure, and gave up a couple of chances. Half-chances at least. But PSG couldn’t take them, and Chelsea scored a very decent goal on one of their few sorties upfield. Jose Mourinho will be very content indeed. The home side depart to a light smattering of whistles. The second half should be fascinating, because PSG can’t afford to travel to London trailing in the tie. No flipping!

8.32pm GMT

45 min: ... batters one towards the top-left corner. It’s always high, and covered by Courtois anyway.

8.31pm GMT

44 min: Costa, faffing around down the Chelsea left, loses the ball to Verratti, who romps towards the box down the inside-right channel. Matic fairly cynically clips Verratti to the floor, just before he enters the area. No card, but a free kick in a dangerous position. Ibrahimovic stands over the set piece, and ...

8.29pm GMT

42 min: Fabregas clatters into Luiz, who isn’t best pleased with the challenge, a knee into the thigh. That should probably have been a booking, but the ref’s keeping his cards in his pocket for now. “Who needs midfielders or strikers anyway?” asks Matt Leonard. “Stopper crosses to stopper who flicks it on to rampaging right-side fullback.” Ha, yes. One sometimes gets the feeling Mourinho could field 10 goalkeepers and a striker between the sticks, and still find a way to win a match 1-0.

8.27pm GMT

39 min: Matuidi bombs down the left and looks like having the beating of Cahill. As he reaches the byline, he’s bundled over. He’s won a free kick there, applying pressure on the defender until panic set in. But he doesn’t get his reward, the referee ludicrously pointing for a goal kick. PSG aren’t happy.

8.26pm GMT

38 min: To repeat, PSG had been much the better team up to that point. But you have to take your chances against Chelsea, because this is what they do so well. Ivanovic has been a marvellous player for Chelsea over the years.

8.24pm GMT

Ibrahimovic brings Hazard down on the right. Chelsea load the box. Thiago Silva clears to the Chelsea left. Terry picks up the loose ball, and curls it into the box. Cahill, on the penalty spot, flicks it on and up, like Garrincha, and Ivanovic, coming in from the right and unmarked, guides an uncontested header into the top left! A precious away goal!

8.22pm GMT

34 min: From Lavezzi’s set piece, whipped to the near post, PSG nearly score, Cavani battering a header towards the top right from the right-hand edge of the six-yard box. Courtois tips the effort round the post, spectacularly so, in full flight. The second corner isn’t up to much. PSG would be leading by a goal or two were it not for the excellence of the young Belgian.

8.20pm GMT

33 min: Chelsea knock it around the PSG half for a while. But they lose possession carelessly, allowing the home side to zip upfield. Ibrahimovic slides a ball left for Lavezzi, whose cross into the centre is long and nowhere near a team-mate. But Azpilicueta chests behind for a corner anyway. Safety first.

8.19pm GMT

30 min: Anyway, the resulting free kick, out on the left, 30 yards from goal. Fabregas whips it to the far post, where Terry lurks. He’s about to nut one goalwards with purpose, but Sirigu flies out to punch clear.

8.18pm GMT

29 min: Matic, Costa and Fabregas triangulate beautifully down the left. Hazard is set infield by a clever little Fabregas back-heel, and he’s about to shoot when Verratti clips him over. Free kick, and the PSG man is fortunate to escape a booking for that one. For a second it looks like he’s going in the book, but the referee’s not pulling out his card, he’s feeling around in his pocket for his foam canister (which I am at pains to stress, this being a family newspaper, is not a euphemism).

8.15pm GMT

27 min: Verratti pitching-wedges a pass down the right, releasing van der Wiel into the area. Azpilicueta - and this doesn’t happen often - is all over the place. Luckily for the full back, van der Wiel panics while in space and rolls a first time pass in the vague direction of Ibrahimovic in the middle. Cahill batters the ball away from danger. Had van der Wiel taken a composed touch, Chelsea could have been in a little bit of bother there.

8.13pm GMT

26 min: A little space for Hazard down the right. He enters the area, but his low cross in the general direction of Costa is easily snaffled by Sirigu. Chelsea have done very, very little in attack so far.

8.13pm GMT

25 min: Ibrahimovic, in the centre circle, flicks a ball round the corner to release Matuidi into the Chelsea half. He’s got two team-mates to his left, and Chelsea are light at the back. The right pass selection here, and Chelsea are in a lot of trouble. But his pass left to Maxwell is wonky as you like, behind the runner, and the move inexplicably peters out. Danger there.

8.11pm GMT

23 min: A dreadful ball out of defence by Terry is easily snaffled by Maxwell down the left. Ibrahomovic takes up possession and curls one in from the wing. Lavezzi attempts to guide a header into the top left from the left of the D, but it’s a wild effort that flies miles over the bar and wide left to boot.

8.09pm GMT

20 min: Thiago Silva, deep on the left, lumps one diagonally into the box for Ibrahimovic. The big man turns Terry wonderfully, races towards the byline, and then tries to score from the tightest angle possible. The ball’s basically on the byline, so he sets it out a little to the left, then fading it back in to the right. That’s an outrageous effort, and though it flies into the side netting, it wasn’t that far off from being on target. Then again, if Courtois was beaten at his near post from that angle, retirement might have been a consideration for the 22-year-old.

8.06pm GMT

8.06pm GMT

17 min: Verratti loops a long pass down the right wing, with the hope of releasing van der Weil. The full back’s nearly sprung free, but Azpilicueta covers well, and hoicks the ball back upfield. Costa challenges for it with Thiago Silva. The former clatters the latter. Thiago Silva points to his lug-hole, suggesting he’s been illegally clattered upside the head, a bookable offence. But it’s a foul and nothing more. The referee got that one right. Diego Costa’s studied expression of innocence is, as always, a thing of strange beauty.

8.02pm GMT

15 min: The game sprung to life for a bit there. But now we’re back to cagey lull. Maxwell shows again down the left wing, but his cross from deep is aimless and flies straight into the hands of Courtois.

8.01pm GMT

13 min: Hazard attempts a run into the PSG box down the inside-left channel. He’s crowded out of it. PSG counter attack through Ibrahomovic, but he’s hauled back cynically by Cahill. No yellow card, which is what Ibrahimovic wants. It would have been a harsh one, but you’ve seen mardy refs dish them out for less.

7.59pm GMT

11 min: Two headers, two saves, within 30 seconds! Cavani, just inside the Chelsea box on the left, whips a cross into the middle. Matuidi, running at full pelt, guides a header towards the top left. Courtois, at full stretch, parries clear. Then after PSG recycle the ball, Matuidi turns provider, making good down the left and curling one in for Ibrahimovic, whose header is straight at the keeper, who nevertheless strongly bats the ball away. Cahill cushions the loose ball back to his keeper. Magnificent play by PSG, and equally impressive defence by the Chelsea keeper.

7.57pm GMT

9 min: Thiago Silva and the lively looking Maxwell combine down the left. For a brief moment there’s an opening, but Cahill comes in to blooter clear. This is all a bit cagey so far. Much as expected.

7.54pm GMT

7 min: Ramires, deep in his own half on the right, sprays a gorgeous crossfield ball towards Costa on the opposite wing. PSG would have been a bit stretched had Costa brought it down well, but the striker, after three games on the sidelines, hasn’t shaken off the rust yet. Chelsea are soon coming back at PSG through Willian down the right. Cavani, dropping back to put in a defensive shift, overpowers the winger and that’ll be a goal kick.

7.51pm GMT

4 min: Lavezzi and van der Wiel exchange flicks down the right wing. The nippy van der Wiel is released into a bit of space, scampering towards the byline. He should stand a dangerous ball into the middle, but only floats a useless ball onto the top of the netting around Courtois’s goal.

7.50pm GMT

2 min: Maxwell and Matuidi flick passes to each other down the left, and for a second threaten to open Chelsea up early doors. But the ever-solid Ivanovic is quickly in to intercept, and put a stop to the hosts’ early gallop. Chelsea take the early sting out of the game by passing it around the back quite a lot. Azpilicueta finally gets fed up and rakes a long ball down the inside-left channel, but Costa’s never getting to the ball. Goal kick for PSG, and an awful lot of whistling by the home fans in response to the brief period of Chelsea possession.

7.47pm GMT

And we’re off! A raucous atmosphere in the Parc des Princes, as the knockout stage of the 2015 Champions League begins. The home side get the ball rolling. Berlin, here they all come!

7.46pm GMT

OK, that’s not the Chelsea bus. “Can you explain why the two-decker bus in your picture bears a Norwegian advertisement?” asks Sindre Brusselmans. “Being of said northern tribe I do not think those buses have ever been on our roads. Betyr flere km i tanken, by the way, translates to ‘means more miles per tank’.” It’s a Routemaster bus being bundled onto the Edelgarde at Millwall docks in 1966, on its way to Oslo to shuttle visitors to and from a trade fair called British Fortnight. I wonder how often it broke down? Only we don’t really make anything any more, and the decline had to start somewhere. The

brazen lie
advertising slogan you quote is for BP. And just to tie all pre-match loose ends up, PSG are playing in their favourite shirts of blue and red, while Chelsea are in neon yellow.

7.22pm GMT

PSG name former Chelsea star David Luiz in midfield. The visitors meanwhile welcome back Diego Costa, Thibaut Courtois, Gary Cahill and Cesc Fabregas. And it appears the team coach, upon entering the stadium, got stuck as it was driven up some tight ramp or other. Chelsea fail to successfully park the bus! Imagine the vexed look on Jose’s grid.

7.09pm GMT

Paris Saint-Germain: Sirigu, van der Wiel, Marquinhos, Thiago Silva, Maxwell, Verratti, Luiz, Matuidi, Lavezzi, Ibrahimovic, Cavani.
Subs: Douchez, Camara, Bahebeck, Digne, Rabiot, Pastore, Kimpembe.

Chelsea: Courtois, Ivanovic, Cahill, Terry, Azpilicueta, Ramires, Matic, Willian, Fabregas, Hazard, Costa.
Subs: Cech, Luis, Zouma, Oscar, Drogba, Remy, Cuadrado.

6.45pm GMT

“You ain’t got no history.” Chelsea fans have to put up with this tedious claptrap quite often, which is a bit off considering the club was formed in 1905, after which it embarked on a scenic journey of remarkable highs and spectacular lows before eventually winning everything there is to win. But life’s never fair, is it. Still, they’ll not be suffering the song tonight. When Paris Saint Germain came into being just in time for the start of the 1970-71 season, Chelsea, 65, already had a league title, a League Cup, and a newly won FA Cup on their roll of honour. And their first European trophy was a mere nine months away. Nope, they’ll not be suffering that song tonight.

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The deliberate and provocative rearrangement of waste product

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PSG AIN’T GOT NO HISTORY

Last week, the Fiver established beyond any shadow of a doubt, that Living Wage proselytiser Comrade Roman Abramovich is these days politically several shades of red to the left of the laissez-faire neo-bampots who run the Premier League. But the repositioning of the Chelsea brand doesn’t end there! Because in Big Cup tonight, Abramovich’s club, so often cast in the role of gauche arrivistes, find themselves in an unfamiliar position as the old-money grandees of the piece. Which is unquestionably what they’ll be when compared to uber-nouveau-riche lottery-winning rabble Paris St-Germain, almost certainly the only people in France who don’t know which knife and fork to pick up first with their big, clumsy, soil-shovelling hands.

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Crystal Palace v Liverpool: FA Cup fifth round – as it happened

Another triumph for Mario Balotelli as Liverpool turn around a half-time deficit to make the quarter finals.

7.26pm GMT

But Lambert heads clear, and that’s that! A magnificent second-half performance by Liverpool, who turned things around within 13 minutes of the restart, then put a stop to Palace’s gallop with a controlled performance towards the end. Palace were impressive in bursts, and put Liverpool under lengthy periods of pressure, but Simon Mignolet was a commanding presence. Despite impressive performances by Sturridge and Balotelli, the keeper’s the man of the match. It’s a happy Valentine’s Day for his fiancee, whose wise words appear to have salvaged his Liverpool career. Anyway, Liverpool join West Bromwich Albion, Reading and Blackburn Rovers in the quarter finals, having put one over Palace in the FA Cup for the first time since 1977.

7.25pm GMT

90 min +5: Skrtel bangs into the back of Gayle, under a high ball, 25 yards out, to the left of the Liverpool box. What a daft challenge, giving Palace one last chance to salvage the tie!

7.23pm GMT

90 min +4: Balotelli, taking a pass up the left wing, channels the spirit of Didi Hamann, holding the ball up and drawing a time-wasting foul.

7.22pm GMT

90 min +3: Ward and Balotelli get involved in a little shoving match over a throw. Nothing much in it, and once again Balotelli wanders away smiling.

7.21pm GMT

90 min +2: ... and attempts a curler into the top right. He gets the ball up, but it’s not coming back down any time soon. Way over the bar. Mignolet prepares to take the resulting goal kick, and fannies around with purpose. He’s booked for his trouble.

7.21pm GMT

90 min +1: Ward, down the right, sprays a long crossfield ball towards Zaha, just in front and to the left of the Liverpool area. Can is all over Zaha, and concedes a clumsy free kick. Gayle steps up ...

7.19pm GMT

90 min: Lovren sprays a spectacular pass down the right for Balotelli, who pulls the ball across the face of the Palace box for Lambert. The striker shoots, but his effort is deflected out for a corner on the right. There will be five minutes of added time. Sounds about right, given all the subs, and the injury to Sakho.

7.18pm GMT

89 min: Ward strides in the big-leggy style down the inside-right channel. It’s a determined run, and a decent cross follows, a ball curled at pace towards the far post. But Campbell can’t contort his body to meet the pass, which was just behind him.

7.17pm GMT

87 min: Liverpool have done marvellously well to draw the sting from this game since the double change, because Palace were well on top. Now the home side can’t get out of their own half. Palace need to do something quickly. Of course, they have quite a bit of form in the respect of late comebacks.

7.15pm GMT

85 min: Henderson picks Ledley’s pocket, on the edge of the Palace box, to the right of the D. He sashays towards the byline, and pulls across for Balotelli, with a view to the Italian tapping in. But the cross isn’t great, behind Balotelli, and hacked clear by a relieved Dann.

7.13pm GMT

84 min: Lambert sends Can into space down the right. For a second the home side are backpedalling in panic, but Can can’t deliver to Balotelli in the middle. “Liverpool needn’t worry,” writes Niall Mullen. “Palace never come back against them.”

7.12pm GMT

83 min: A bit of possession for Liverpool. Lallana has it by the left-hand corner flag. Soon enough, the ball’s back with Mignolet. Then back up the left through Moreno. Liverpool keep it for the best part of two minutes. The inevitable ole! Ole! Palace finally nick it. Their supporters, after one pass, start with the ole!s themselves. That’s some pretty good terrace back-and-forth, there.

7.09pm GMT

80 min: Can slips Henderson away down the right. Henderson reaches the byline, then dinks one into the middle. Lambert was preparing to meet the cross, but slipped. Palace were light at the back there, and breathe again.

7.08pm GMT

78 min: With that in mind, Brendan Rodgers makes a double change. Lambert and Lovren come on, Sturridge and an extremely quiet Coutinho make way.

7.06pm GMT

77 min: Liverpool have hardly put two passes together since taking the lead. This is as poor as their turnaround in the early portion of this half was impressive.

7.05pm GMT

76 min: Zaha forces a corner off Sakho down the right. It’s hit deep, and caught cleanly by Mignolet.

7.04pm GMT

75 min: A dismal couple of minutes for Can concludes with a booking, as he tugs back Guedioura in the midfield.

7.04pm GMT

74 min: Campbell overpowers Can down the left, by the corner flag. Can very sleepy there. Campbell breaks into the area, near the byline. He’s got Zaha in the middle, but the cross is abysmal, rolled straight into the hands of Mignolet at the near post.

7.01pm GMT

72 min: Bolasie nearly squirms free down the right, but is eventually crowded out of it by a combination of Sakho and Can. It’s Bolasie’s last contribution to the match, as he’s replaced by Zaha.

7.00pm GMT

71 min: Liverpool have taken a little of the sting out of the game, but only by faffing around at a couple of throw-ins. They’re not displaying much in the way of midfield control right now.

6.58pm GMT

68 min: Puncheon larrups a useless ball down the inside-right channel. It’s flying out for a goal kick, as harmless as you like, but Sakho sticks out a leg, ludicrously, and diverts the ball away for a corner. Mignolet gets his defender out of bother with yet another punch, but the ball’s soon coming back at Liverpool. Skrtel is forced to concede another corner. That’s wasted, but Palace are properly on top here, pushing Liverpool back. The visitors can’t get out from their own final third. But they do still have the lead.

6.55pm GMT

65 min: It’s been all Palace since Liverpool took the lead. Souare looks to burst down the left, and goes over with Lallana in vague orbit. Not sure there was much contact there, but it’s a free kick in a very dangerous position, 30 yards up the wing. The ball’s whipped into the area, but Balotelli and Skrtel combine to lump clear.

6.53pm GMT

64 min: Sakho is back on. Meanwhile a change for the hosts: Guedioura comes on for Kelly, with Ward dropping in at right back.

6.52pm GMT

62 min: Sakho is off the pitch right now, so Liverpool have to defend the set piece with ten men. Mignolet punches clear, but only to Ward, to the right of the D. Ward hits low and diagonally. Allen, near the left-hand post, slices an awful attempt at a clearance behind for a goal kick. Palace release the pressure by hoicking the second corner straight out of play.

6.51pm GMT

60 min: Corner for Palace, though, who spring straight back into action down the left. The set piece can’t be taken yet, though, as Sakho is down and in some distress. He clanked heads with Bolasie 40 yards up the pitch, before going down. But he’s clutching his stomach. Really not sure what’s happened, but the Liverpool medical staff have got him sat up. Perhaps he’s just winded.

6.48pm GMT

... curls a low shot around the right-hand side of the wall. It’s battered hard, and straight at Speroni, who can only parry. The ball breaks to the right, and Lallana, rushing in, sidefoots home from six yards. That was all about Mario Balotelli, who wears a smile as wide as you’ll see! No Spurs style deadpan response here.

6.46pm GMT

57 min: And this is even better, Balotelli backheeling towards Henderson down the inside left, then taking the return pass before being upended by Dann, just to the left of the D. Balotelli fancies this set piece himself. He steps up, and ...

6.45pm GMT

56 min: This is better, though, Balotelli zig-zagging down the inside-right channel and nearly finding Sturridge in the middle with a low cross.

6.44pm GMT

55 min: A bit of space for Lallana down the right. He looks for Balotelli in the middle, and finds his man, but the striker miscontrols. He’s not got into this game yet.

6.43pm GMT

53 min: Palace have responded well to the Liverpool goal. Bolasie bothers Sakho to the right of the centre circle, allowing Palace to load the box. The ball’s looped high towards the area. Mignolet comes out to claim. That’s fine keeping, for Liverpool were under the cosh there.

6.42pm GMT

52 min: ... Dann has a batter which is deflected wide right. And from that set piece, Gayle sends a shot towards the bottom right from 12 yards. Mignolet, at full stretch, tips round for another corner. Liverpool finally clear their lines. Good luck predicting the outcome of this one!

6.41pm GMT

51 min: Can rather clumsily lets a Palace throw from the left bounce in the box. Gayle nearly nips in to take a shot. He can’t quite get one away. Sakho clears, but Dann pumps the ball back into the mixer. Can heads backwards to concede a corner on the left. From that ...

6.39pm GMT

It was a slightly more considered start to the second half, both teams taking turns to knock it around patiently. Then, all of a sudden, Liverpool spring forward, Henderson picking up possession to the right of the D and sending a pitching wedge towards the far post, where Sturridge flies in to sidefoot under Speroni and into the bottom left!

6.37pm GMT

47 min: This half hasn’t quite started yet.

6.36pm GMT

45 min 20 sec: What an introduction this could have been for Puncheon! He picks up a pass from the right by Bolasie, and has space to shoot, just outside the area. But he wangs it miles over the bar. A few more minutes into the half, a few more seconds even, and the result might have been different.

6.34pm GMT

And we’re off again! Liverpool get the ball rolling. Balotelli does indeed come on, replacing Markovic. And there’s a change for Palace, Puncheon replacing Chamakh, who was perhaps the only Palace player who didn’t in some way impress during the first 45 minutes. “What is Liverpool’s record with both Jordan Henderson and Joe Allen in the XI?” asks Lou Roper, almost certainly rhetorically. “Ten seconds of intensive research produced nothing, but I have a sense that the result is not world, never mind Palace-beating.”

6.30pm GMT

So, the half-time replays of the Sturridge-Souare penalty decision ... it wasn’t given, but it should have been, Souare’s left boot flicking Sturridge’s during the second phase of his challenge, the ball having been fairly hooked away previously. It took BT Sport quite a few angles to prove the point, though, and even then I’ll be bound plenty enough people would argue it the other way. Who’d be a referee? Meanwhile, expect at least one Liverpool change at half-time, or shortly after the restart, as Mario Balotelli, the hero midweek against Spurs, is swanning around the pitch, warming up.

6.25pm GMT

Half-time entertainment: Palace’s 1990 cup final song, performed in stratospherically awkward fashion on Derek ‘Do They Mean Us? They Surely Do!’ Jameson’s chat show ...

6.21pm GMT

Liverpool have been, on balance, the better team. Just about. They probably - probably, but not certainly - should have had a penalty. But it’s Palace who have the lead, with Dwight Gayle a magnificent menace, and they’re looking determined at the back. This should be a cracking second half. Will Palace jigger Liverpool’s FA Cup dreams yet again?!

6.18pm GMT

45 min +1: Sturridge clips Gayle’s ankle, very gently. Gayle rolls around. Sturridge attempts to pick him back up. Gayle’s not interested. Souare comes across to further the row. Sturridge throws his arm around Gayle when the player gets up, but he’s not interested in that, either. Liverpool showing frustration.

6.17pm GMT

45 min: A bit of space for Allen, 30 yards from goal. He exchanges crisp passes with Coutinho, to burst down the inside-left channel, then drops a shoulder to shoot. Dann slides in to block.

6.15pm GMT

43 min: Henderson curls a low ball into the Palace area from the right. That’s trundling along the Corridor Of Uncertainty, but no yellow shirt is nearby to take advantage. Speroni drapes himself over the ball.

6.14pm GMT

42 min: Bolasie flicks a ball down the inside-left channel. Gayle, showing power and persistence, bursts through a gap and into the area. He’s one on one with Mignolet! But the keeper saves brilliantly, and the loose ball is hacked clear by Can. Liverpool have been pressing for an equaliser, but another Palace goal now would see them in all sorts of bother.

6.13pm GMT

40 min: Lallana bothers Liverpool old boy Kelly down the inside-left, and forces a corner. It’s sent deep. Markovic tries to remedy the situation by embarking on a Homeric solo run from the right wing. When he reaches the left of the D, he looks for the top-left corner, but can’t wrap his foot around the ball, and it flies into the stand behind. Markovic looks highly frustrated, though the run was wonderful.

6.10pm GMT

39 min: Coutinho makes good down the middle, drifts out to the right, then sends a rising effort goalwards. It’s straight at Speroni, though, and the keeper claims well.

6.10pm GMT

37 min: A replay of the non-penalty, and perhaps an explanation of the referee’s dilemma. Souare got a toe to the ball, prodding it away from Sturridge, but then hooking the striker’s boot on the follow-through. It was light, but there was contact.

6.08pm GMT

36 min: Chamakh is booked for a late slide on Allen. He’s already been talked to by the referee for fouls various, so that one may have been a cumulative decision.

6.07pm GMT

35 min: Liverpool are seeing a lot of the ball, pinning Palace back, but they’re not going anywhere. It’s all too tight.

6.07pm GMT

32 min: Allen meets a dropping ball, 25 yards from goal, and sends it whistling inches right of the Palace goal. So close. Liverpool are still livid about the non-penalty decision, with Sturridge totally non-plussed.

6.05pm GMT

31 min: Sturridge, standing on the penalty spot as Liverpool triangulate but faff around, unable to get a shot away, is clattered to the floor under pressure from Souare. The referee isn’t having any of it. That looked like a clear penalty in real time, but replays show Souare appears to have got the ball, just. Mind you, that was so close it’d be good to see that again. Who’d be a ref?

6.02pm GMT

30 min: Henderson, the best part of 30 yards out, sends a swerving screamer towards the top left. It’s a fine effort, but Speroni is again equal to it. Henderson is a study in frustration, effin’ and jeffin’ as he trudges back upfield.

6.01pm GMT

29 min: Gayle is a constant menace, causing Liverpool all sorts of bother. He sashays down the left at speed, forcing Henderson into a cynical trip. That’s a booking all day long. And out comes the yellow. The resulting set piece is a waste of time, whistled straight into the stand with the Liverpool box loaded, a real waste.

5.59pm GMT

28 min: A corner for Palace down the right. This is a fine period of pressure from the home side. But they stupidly let Liverpool off the hook, Dann clattering into Mignolet as the set piece comes across.

5.58pm GMT

26 min: Moreno and Bolasie battle like hell for a long ball down the right. It looks like a fair fight, but Palace get the decision. A free kick, 30 yards out, down the right. Ledley’s set piece is cleared, but Palace are soon coming back at Liverpool, through Gayle, down the inside left. Skrtel just about deals with the situation, though Gayle nearly gets a shot away, then thinks about going down after a little nudge. He stays on his feet, though, and wins a throw. Which leads to a corner. Which leads to another decent Mignolet punch. Palace are turning fire back on Liverpool now.

5.56pm GMT

23 min: Coutinho shoots from the left of the Palace D. His low shot is blocked, and comes back at the prone Ward, who traps the ball with his chest. Liverpool claim he’s hand balled while smothering it, but he didn’t. Breast ball! Coutinho gets another chance to shoot, eventually, but that one’s straight down Speroni’s throat. Liverpool have finally woken up.

5.53pm GMT

22 min: Liverpool have been ponderous so far, but suddenly turn up the speed, Henderson slipped free into the area by Coutinho down the right. He zips a ball inside for Lallana, who looks for the bottom right from ten yards. Speroni tips round the post wonderfully. The corner is a non-event.

5.52pm GMT

20 min: Henderson, Sturridge and Coutinho all consider shooting from the edge of the Palace D, but the home defence is onto them like a flash, each time.

5.50pm GMT

19 min: Competing for a high ball, Souare crumps his knee into Lallana’s back. A free kick, 30 yards out. Henderson loops it to the far post, where Skrtel connects limply. His header flies harmlessly out of play to the left of goal.

5.49pm GMT

17 min: Liverpool respond by pinging the ball around in the Palace half for a while, but it’s sterile domination. Palace look comfortable, and Liverpool are going nowhere.

5.48pm GMT

And now he’s had to pick the ball out of the net! The ball’s lifted straight down the middle by Ledley. Skrtel doesn’t deal with it, heading backwards, allowing Gayle to nip into the box, with a view to looping a header over Mignolet. The keeper parries Gayle’s header brilliantly, but he can only do so much here, and the ball flies out to Campbell on the edge of the area. Campbell sidefoots strongly into the empty net, and Palace are riffing on Liverpool’s pain in cup competition yet again!

5.46pm GMT

14 min: Liverpool have enjoyed 69% of possession so far. It’s Mignolet who’s had more to do, though.

5.45pm GMT

12 min: Marvellous end-to-end stuff, as Mignolet punches again, dealing well with Bolasie’s deep cross from the right, under pressure from Gayle. Then Lallana so nearly bursts into a huge gap in the middle of the Palace half, but Dann steps in to intercept just before the Liverpool midfielder can break towards the Palace box.

5.43pm GMT

11 min: Palace are beginning to enjoy themselves down the left wing. Gayle is again found in space, and he hoicks a deep ball into the box. Bolasie competes, but too vigorously, bundling Moreno to the floor. It’s a really bright start to this game, with both teams showing willing in attack. And moxie in defence. So far.

5.41pm GMT

10 min: Gayle is sent scampering into acres of space down the left, a lovely spray down the wing from Ledley. Skrtel, sliding in at the near post, bundles the ball out for a corner, with Chamakh lurking in the middle. A suggestion the defender had handled as he dealt with the cross, but that’s more from the fans than the players. The corner’s hit deep towards Dann at the far post, but Mignolet is out quickly to punch miles clear in a very confident manner.

5.40pm GMT

7 min: Sturridge, to the right of the Palace D, flicks a backheel into the area, and nearly releases both Markovic and Lallana. The ball clips the debutant Souare’s hand, but it’s not a penalty, because it’s totally unintentional; his hand is hanging limply, close to his body; and it might have been just outside the box anyway. That doesn’t stop Markovic screaming for the spot kick, but it’s not something he’ll be getting.

5.37pm GMT

5 min: Sakho plays a sliderule sideways pass from the left to Lallana, free in acres in the middle, 25 yards from goal. On the slippery surface, saturated with water, Lallana falls and skitters hysterically across the turf on his buttocks. Suffice to say he doesn’t control the pass, and Palace clear.

5.35pm GMT

4 min: Markovic again threatens down the right, but Campbell is back to help the defence. He harries the winger, and eventually makes off with the ball, which is blootered upfield and away from danger.

5.34pm GMT

2 min: Gayle hoicks the free kick into the box. Lallana eyebrows it into the air, allowing Mignolet to gather. Liverpool zip up the other end, thought Markovic down the right. He whips a mid-height cross into the area. Sturridge, jumping, tries to sidefoot it into the top right from 12 yards, level with the right-hand post, but gets it all wrong, and the ball flies wide right. A lively start.

5.33pm GMT

And we’re off! Crystal Palace are kicking towards the Holmesdale Road Stand. Markovic, out on the right, gives a sloppy pass inside, Chamakh threatening to break down the inside-left channel. Henderson tugs him to the floor. A chance to load the box early for the home side.

5.28pm GMT

The teams are out! The pitch has been heavily watered, and so have the folk in the stands, I’ll be bound; they’re singing loud and long in the well-lubricated, loose-tongued style. It’s a belting atmosphere at Selhurst, but then again it’s always a belting atmosphere at Selhurst. The best ground in the Premier League for this sort of old-school carry-on, with the possible exception of the Britannia. The away fans giving as good as they’re getting, too. FA Cup football, right here, with a place in the quarters up for grabs.

5.21pm GMT

Regarding the aforementioned Emile Heskey 70-yard run at Anfield in 2003, here’s a dispatch from the Guardian’s very own [NAME REDACTED SO CORRESPONDENT DOESN’T HAVE TO SPEND THE NEXT 37 YEARS FIELDING HOT-FACED ACCUSATIONS OF ANTI-BRIGHTON BIAS]: “I remember talking to Gerard Houllier the following season. He asked me who I supported and I told him Palace. He just looked at me, sighed and said: ‘You must love Emile Heskey.’ ” You’ve gotta love Ged, who despite his dour image had a nice line in tinder-dry humour.

4.59pm GMT

Crystal Palace boss Alan Pardew, pictured below celebrating his winner in the cup semi in 1990, shuffles his pack. Left-back Pape Souaré makes his debut, while Scott Dann, Yannick Bolasie, Dwight Gayle and Frazier Campbell are the four other changes from a team not particularly impressive at home to Newcastle United midweek.

4.39pm GMT

Crystal Palace: Speroni, Kelly, Dann, Hangeland, Souare, Bolasie, Ledley, Ward, Gayle, Chamakh, Campbell.
Subs: Hennessey, Mariappa, Delaney, Guedioura, Puncheon, Zaha, Murray.

Liverpool: Mignolet, Skrtel, Can, Sakho, Allen, Henderson, Moreno, Markovic, Coutinho, Lallana, Sturridge.
Subs: Ward, Johnson, Lovren, Lambert, Manquillo, Borini, Balotelli.

4.30pm GMT

Crystal Palace certainly have the upper hand over Liverpool. The examples that spring immediately to mind are, in no particular order: Crystanbul at the tail end of last year’s title chase; the classic seven-goal FA Cup semi-final of 1990, Alan Pardew and all that; and Palace’s fairly comprehensive 3-1 drubbing of a dejected Brendan Rodgers’ side at Selhurst Park last November. Dejan Lovren has only recently stopped spinning.

But that’s not all! Palace put Liverpool out of the League Cup in 2006, the winning goal in a 2-1 victory scored by Marco Reich, who must surely have the lowest profile of any two-time Bundesliga champion to ever take his talents to Blighty. Then there’s an FA Cup tie at Anfield in 2003, in which Emile Heskey, all shins and knees, skittered clear for the best part of 70 yards - Palace had over-committed at a corner - only to chip lamely into Cedric Berthelin’s arms, a moment which, according to unpopular daily email The Fiver, “could only have been improved in slapstick terms had Heskey then slid along the turf on his teeth and crashed into the advertising hoardings with such force that the Anfield Road end was pushed all the way back to Gwladys Street.” Julian Gray was Palace’s hero for that one. Or how about the 1992 League Cup, Grant Watts and Andy Thorn scoring the goals in a 2-1 win, Mike Marsh’s penalty never enough for Graeme Souness’s side?

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West Brom v West Ham: FA Cup fifth round – as it happened | Scott Murray

Brown Ideye was the two-goal star as West Bromwich Albion powered past a dismal West Ham United, to reach the quarter-finals of the FA Cup for the first time since 2008

2.36pm GMT

And that’s that. West Bromwich Albion were brilliant, solid in defence but especially impressive in attack. However West Ham were nothing short of appalling. Not exactly a tactical masterclass from Sam Allardyce, either, the Hammers boss leaving his second-half switches far too late. Somewhere in Manchester, a certain someone could be excused for leaning back in his chair, throwing his feet up on the desk, pouring himself a large brandy, and putting a cigar on.

2.36pm GMT

90 min +2: Well, West Ham United won’t be adding to their three FA Cups. But will West Brom put another alongside their five? They’re the first team in the quarter-final hat, deservedly so. One game from Wembley, two from the final!

2.34pm GMT

90 min +1: There will be three additional minutes, of which this is the first.

2.33pm GMT

90 min: Gamboa comes on for the excellent Gardner.

2.32pm GMT

89 min: Corner for West Ham, down the left. Tomkins gets a head to the set piece, but can’t guide it goalwards. Symbolically ineffective. West Brom clear.

2.31pm GMT

88 min: McManaman, dancing at speed down the inside right, cuts inside and curls a shot towards the top left. It’s a stupendously good effort, mere millimetres wide of the goal, Adrian nowhere near it. That might have lightly, but decisively, brushed off the back of Tomkins’ shorts as it flew towards the goal, but it’s a goal kick.

2.29pm GMT

86 min: No hat-trick for Ideye, who is replaced by 2003 finalist Chris Baird. Ideye does get the warmest of standing ovations, though. He’s been magnificent this afternoon. It’s well deserved.

2.28pm GMT

85 min: O’Brien comes straight thorugh Gardner, and should be booked, but isn’t.

2.28pm GMT

84 min: Morrison has the ball in acres, just in front of the West Ham D. The away side appear to have given up. Morrison should shoot, really, but attempts to find Ideye with a can-opener of a pass through the defence. It’s mishit. The home side are trying their best to give Ideye a chance to get his hat-trick.

2.25pm GMT

82 min: Another corner to West Brom, down the right. Brunt takes. Ideye tries to meet it at the near post, but it’s cleared well by Tomkins. But the Baggies are soon boinging back. Morrison picks up the ball down the inside right, drops a shoulder, and fizzes one towards the bottom right. It’s not a great effort, gathered easily enough by Adrian, but he’s in credit after that stunner in the first half.

2.23pm GMT

80 min: Ideye flicks gorgeously to release Berahino down the inside right. Berahino slips the ball wide to McManaman, who fires low to the near post, where Ideye flicks again, this time powerfully towards the right-hand side of goal. Adrian parries well, over the bar and out for a corner. The set piece comes to nothing, but West Brom are sparkling in attack this afternoon.

2.21pm GMT

78 min: Sessegnon is replaced by the 2013 FA Cup final man of the match, Callum McManaman.

2.20pm GMT

76 min: Dawson is released into acres of space down the right. The appalling Cresswell panics, backtracking and allowing Dawson to make it into the area. He shoots hard towards the top left. Adrian parries clear. West Ham are all over the place.

2.18pm GMT

75 min: Sessegnon feeds Ideye down the right. Ideye fancies his hat-trick, and batters a low shot goalwards. It’s blocked, out for a corner on the right. The set piece comes to nothing, but West Ham are flirting with humiliation at the Hawthorns.

2.16pm GMT

A comedy of errors for West Ham. Gardner slips a ball round the corner, releasing Berahino down the inside-right channel and into the box. Berahino should be about six yards offside, but Cresswell, snoozing, is playing him on. Berahino then batters a low shot into the bottom-right corner, Adrian beaten at his near post. West Ham’s supporters are flooding out of the ground. This is all over.

2.14pm GMT

70 min: Morgan Amalfitano is not very clever, and West Ham’s super-slim chance of clawing their way back into this match is gone. Amalfitano has looked a threat up front since coming on, but he’s only a threat to himself here. He swipes at the back of Brunt’s ankles, then gets up and slaps him in the face. Off you go!

2.13pm GMT

68 min: A double change for West Ham, Big Sam’s last throw of the dice. Sakho and Song depart, with Cole and O’Brien coming on. The switch up front is met with a few boos by the West Ham faithful. It’s not quite the reaction to West Ham’s abysmal 5-0 defeat at Nottingham Forest last season, but it’s something.

2.10pm GMT

66 min: What a chance for West Ham! Cresswell whips a ball in from the left. Sakho meets it with his head, six yards out. He’s aiming for the bottom left, with Foster having gone the other way. But Foster switches direction in mid-air, Billy the Fish style, and gets something on the ball, enough to allow McAuley to hack off the line! That looked a certain goal, but what a defensive combination!

2.09pm GMT

65 min: Yacob, Berahino and Ideye triangulate down the inside-left channel, volleying each pass. It’s very pretty, and it’s straight out of a video game. Tomkins gets fed up and comes across to intercept, but for a second it looked like the home side were going to grab a fourth.

2.07pm GMT

63 min: Kouyate steps forward in the Beckenbaueresque style, and carves West Brom apart with a power pass down the inside-left channel. Sakho would have been clear on goal if he could have trapped the ball, but lets it run away from him, and Foster clears. Still, a goal now, and you never know how West Brom would react.

2.05pm GMT

62 min: A little deflection off Kouyate for Ideye’s header back there. It might have sent the ball out of Adrian’s reach, it might not. But it was still quite an effort on the striker’s part.

2.03pm GMT

60 min: Amalfitano comes on for Nolan, but the horse has surely bolted.

2.01pm GMT

This should be over now. Brunt curls a majestic cross into the West Ham area from the left. That’s impossible to defend! Ideye should blooter home from six yards, but misses the ball completely. No matter! Berahino picks up possession on the right, sends a deflected cross back towards his strike partner, and powers a header into the top left! That’s a stunning header, because there was no pace whatsoever on Berahinho’s cross. What neck muscles, huh.

1.59pm GMT

55 min: Lescott upends Sakho in the agricultural manner, 25 yards from goal. It should be a free kick, but the referee waves play on, as Song is released into the area down the left. Song chips lamely into the arms of Foster. Not really much of an advantage, that, with Song on his weaker side, and being a defensive midfielder to boot. Lescott doesn’t even get booked retrospectively when the play stops, which adds insult to injury.

1.57pm GMT

54 min: A common-or-garden rake down the middle. If Berahinho was able to take the ball in his stride, he’d have been clear on goal. But he miscontrols, and is forced wide left by Tomkins. So close to this tie being over.

1.56pm GMT

52 min: From the resulting free kick, in the middle of the park, West Ham guide the ball into the West Brom net. But it won’t count. Tomkins hit long, Downing guided a header on diagonally from the right-hand edge of the D, and Nolan backheeled into the left-hand portion of the goal. But Nolan had been caught offside the minute Tomkins hit the long set piece, so it was all for naught. Better from the visitors, though, who at least have improved territorially.

1.54pm GMT

51 min: Dawson presses his studs onto Sakho’s leg. That should probably have been a yellow.

1.53pm GMT

50 min: A West Ham corner from the left. Easily cleared by West Brom. The visitors are missing Andy Carroll today. The home side are looking pretty comfortable right now.

1.52pm GMT

49 min: ♫ Wouldn’t it be good to be in your shoes
Even if it was for just one day ♯
Wouldn’t it be good if we could wish ourselves away ♫

1.50pm GMT

47 min: A bit of sterile possession for West Ham. Tomkins goes long down the left, looking for Sakho, but McAuley heads clear with purpose, and with ease. On the West Brom bench, there are quite a few folk sporting the Kershaw-Berahino Look. This is officially a trend, then.

1.48pm GMT

And we’re off again! No changes. West Ham have presumably been given the textbook You Got Us Into This, You Get Us Out Of It bollocking. West Brom get the ball rolling again.

1.37pm GMT

Half-time entertainment: The much-missed Jeff Astle here, recreating the infamous goal that cost Leeds United the title in 1971.

1.32pm GMT

And that’s that for the first 45. Big Sam’s side have been limp up front. Perhaps they should hit a few more long balls?

1.32pm GMT

45 min: This half is petering out. West Brom are obviously happy with the way this is going, West Ham desirous of regrouping before things get any worse. On another day, West Brom could easily have had a couple of penalty kicks. And they’ve rattled the bar. The 2-0 scoreline is more than fair. West Brom have been invigorating, West Ham not so much.

1.29pm GMT

44 min: West Ham respond well, pressing the hosts back in their area for the first time in the match. A corner’s won down the right. Tomkins meets a deep set piece, six yards out, towering over McAuley, but plants his header over the bar and into the stand behind. A decent chance, that, perhaps West Ham’s best of the half.

1.28pm GMT

This had been coming. And this one is simple, yet brilliant. Morrison picks up a loose ball in the midfield, running away from a prone Noble. He takes a couple of touches, before firing a swerving, rising shot towards the top right. In it goes, a fully stretched Adrian given no chance whatsoever! This is no more than West Brom deserve.

1.26pm GMT

40 min: Downing pitching-wedges a ball down the inside-left channel in the hope of releasing Noble, but that’s a 7-iron. The ball flies into the stand, and on the bench Big Sam (©LVG) is looking miffed. West Ham aren’t doing much up front at all.

1.24pm GMT

38 min: Gardner, 30 yards out down the left, cuts inside and unleashes a rising missile towards the top-left corner. It’s a smidgen too high, and batters the crossbar in the most violent manner. What a stunning shot, and so unlucky! The rebound falls to Sessegnon, on the edge of the area, but he can’t quite take the bouncing ball down cleanly, and his effort to guide the ball into the empty net - Adrian having dived out of the way in a futile effort to get a hand on Gardner’s shot - is wild and wide left. West Ham breathe again.

1.22pm GMT

37 min: West Brom are winning on the pitch, but West Ham’s fans ensure their side are on top off it. Bubbles the dominant note.

1.21pm GMT

35 min: Brunt swings a free kick into the West Ham box from a deep position down the left. It’s not really cleared by West Ham, and Sessegnon is afforded the chance to shoot from the right-hand edge of the D. It’s miles over the bar. “On this day of romantic days, your mention of rococo dribbles (8 min) put me in mind of a faux pas I once made when listening to my girlfriend play a tune she had composed on the piano,” writes Ian Copestake. “I wanted to say it sounded rococo but I misspoke and said gothic, something which put her in a huff and rendered either word impossible to say for the next two months without revisiting the dreaded scene.” Is this the most Guardianesque lovers’ tiff ever? It is, isn’t it.

1.19pm GMT

31 min: Jacob jumps into a tackle on Sakho with both feet off the floor. He wins the ball, and doesn’t touch the man, but he wasn’t in control, and could easily have seen red. Sakho had to pull out, saving a potentially ugly scene. You’ve Seen Them Sent Off For That. Yes, this is getting old, but I’ll stop when they do.

1.15pm GMT

28 min: Berahino slides the ball down the inside-right channel to release Gardner clear on goal. He pearls a shot towards the bottom left. Adrian parries, but turns out Gardner’s offside anyway. Only just, mind, and you wonder whether the attacker should have had the benefit there, so close is the decision. You’ve Seen The Flag Stay Down.

1.12pm GMT

25 min: To counter-balance that, there’s a suggestion that Dawson took Gardner’s pass in the build-up for the goal down with his upper arm, and that Ideye had a toenail, perhaps a toe, offside. To flag for either ‘offence’ would have been harsh, but again, You’ve Seen The Flag Go Up For Those. West Brom are the dominant team now, though, so the lead’s deserved on balance.

1.10pm GMT

23 min: Gardner looks for the top left from 25 yards. Adrian parries into the air, not particularly convincingly, and the ball squirts over the crossbar. From the corner, hit deep, Ideye and Nolan tussle to the left of the goal. Nolan sticks a leg out, and he’s bundled the striker over there, you know. Perhaps Ideye exaggerated the fall. File another under You’ve Seen Them Given.

1.08pm GMT

22 min: The fifth round is, of course, when fans start dreaming of Wembley. One step to the quarters. Baggies fans will now be thinking of their first final since 1968. All quite a bit previous, of course, but it’s the way supporters are hard-wired. West Ham’s support won’t have given up on their first final in nine years, of course, and belt out I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles accordingly.

1.06pm GMT

This is a brilliantly simple, direct goal. Gardner, down the inside-left channel near the centre circle, sprays a diagonal pass towards Dawson on the right. Cresswell misjudges the flight, allowing Dawson to race down the wing and into the area. He slides the ball into the centre, where the in-form Ideye sidefoots high into the net from six yards!

1.02pm GMT

17 min: And it’s another three rugby union points for West Ham. Valencia looks to curl one into the top right, but gets far too much power on the ball. It clears the West Brom wall, but it’s never coming back down. Over the bar it goes, though the Hammers are at least getting a bit closer.

1.01pm GMT

16 min: It’s bright, this, without being brilliant. Both teams seem in the mood to go for the win. West Brom have been pressing, but West Ham shuttle upfield. After triangulating awhile, Downing’s released down the right. His dinked cross is cleared, but under a high ball on the edge of the D, Gardner clatters Valencia to the ground. This’ll be another free kick for the visitors in a dangerous position.

12.59pm GMT

13 min: Tomkins leaps for a high ball with Dawson in the middle of the park. He goes over Dawson’s head, and lands on his head, back and hip at the same time. Ooyah, oof. West Ham can’t afford yet another injury to a central defender, on the bones of their arse as they already are. Happily for the visitors, Tomkins is up and about after having a wee restorative 60-second sleep on the floor.

12.57pm GMT

10 min: Morrison breaks down the left, and upon reaching the byline cuts a firm ball back into the area. Gardner, coming in from the right having lost Cresswell, meets the ball first time on the penalty spot, and sidefoots a marvellous effort inches wide of the left-hand post. Not sure Adrian was getting to that, had it been on target. Superb play.

12.56pm GMT

9 min: Justice for Jeff.

12.55pm GMT

8 min: Morrison goes on a rococo dribble down the inside-right channel and into the area. He eventually shoots, but scuffs it. The ball pings up off Tomkins’ heel, and onto Nolan’s shoulder. Or is it his upper arm? You’ve seen those given, but it would have been a harsh decision nonetheless. To be fair, West Brom don’t really moan about it that much. West Ham go upfield, Valencia cutting in from the left and dragging a shot well wide. Good end-to-end entertainment.

12.52pm GMT

6 min: Cresswell scores three rugby-union points. A dreadful effort, sent miles over the bar as he falls backwards. Look on the bright side: John Terry, David Beckham and Wayne Rooney have all done that in the past, and during much higher-profile matches too, so Cresswell’s in good company.

12.51pm GMT

5 min: Noble breaks down the inside-right channel, sent on his way by a lovely pass round the corner from Downing. Brunt pulls him back, just outside the area. This will be a free kick for the Hammers in a dangerous position, just in front of the box, by its right-hand corner.

12.48pm GMT

3 min: Berahino causes a bit of bother down the left wing. He slips a little ball inside for Sessegnon, who looks to shuttle it further inside for Ideye, on the penalty spot. But Tomkins steps in to clatter clear.

12.47pm GMT

2 min: A scrappy start. A thundering atmosphere, though, with the travelling fans in particular giving it plenty.

12.47pm GMT

And we’re off! West Ham, wearing their trademark claret and blue, get the ball rolling. West Brom still aren’t allowed to sport their famous navy blue and white stripes, they’ve got that preposterous white-with-blue-pinstripe effort on. The recent kit-based travails of Southampton can give West Brom succour here; the marketing men will give you your colours back eventually.

12.44pm GMT

The teams pretty much as expected, Darren Fletcher cup-tied, Brown Ideye finding his form, Cheikhou Kouyate covering in defence, Andy Carroll out for the season, and so on, and so forth. But never mind that. “Has Saido Berahino stolen that hood thing from a giant,” wonders Mac Millings, “or does he just have a tiny little head?” It’s quite a fashion statement. I could be wrong, but is that a snood, as popularised in 1984 by Wouldn’t It Be Good star and future Chesney Hawkes hitmaker Nik Kershaw? It’s a strong look, whatever it is. And functional in this weather, too. In fact, I’m surprised the snood hasn’t already been reclaimed by east-end hipsters. The first rumblings of a new movement in the Midlands, a bit like heavy metal in the late 1960s, or the Football League in the 1880s.

12.05pm GMT

West Bromwich Albion: Foster, McAuley, Dawson, Lescott, Sessegnon, Gardner, Morrison, Yacob, Brunt, Berahino, Ideye.
Subs: Wisdom, Olsson, Baird, Myhill, Pocognoli, Gamboa, McManaman.

West Ham United: Adrian, Jenkinson, Tomkins, Kouyate, Cresswell, Song, Nolan, Noble, Downing, Sakho, Valencia.
Subs: O’Brien, Demel, Amalfitano, Jaaskelainen, Cole, Henry, Lee.

11.45am GMT

West Bromwich Albion and West Ham United may not be too sorry to have drawn each other in this fifth-round FA Cup tie. For the winner of a Baggies-Hammers cup showdown often goes on to lift the trophy! All right, it’s happened twice. And only once in the FA Cup. But something’s better than nothing, right, huh?

West Brom and West Ham met in the 1966 League Cup final. It was a two-legged affair back in the day. West Ham won the first leg at the Boleyn Ground 2-1, Budgie Byrne and Bobby Moore giving Ron Greenwood’s side the advantage, Jeff Astle scoring for Jimmy Hagan’s men. But the unhappy Hammers were blown away within 34 minutes of the second leg at the Hawthorns. A rampant West Brom scored four times, John Kaye scoring one and missing three chances in the first 17 minutes. Clive Clark added a second on 18, following up after Tony Brown had lobbed Hammers keeper Jim Standen. Clark’s diving header made it three, then Jeff Astle set up Graham Williams for a fourth. Martin Peters headed a late consolation for West Ham on 74 minutes, but the jig was up. Poor Martin. Let’s hope the remainder of 1966 was a little kinder to him.

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Barcelona v Villarreal: Copa del Rey semi-final – as it happened | Scott Murray

It’s advantage Barça as Lionel Messi and Luis Suarez star in the first leg at Camp Nou
• Match report: Barcelona 3-1 Villarreal

8.56pm GMT

And that’s that! Barcelona have one foot in their 37th final, though Villarreal at least have an away goal, and will be hoping for a magical night at La Madrigal that’d take them to their first.

8.55pm GMT

90 min +3: Now it’s Alves’s turn to race down the left channel, but he can’t quite latch onto a long ball. He was close, though, and he’d have been one on one with Asenjo, albeit from a tight angle.

8.54pm GMT

90 min +2: Messi tries a shot while meandering down the inside-left channel. He doesn’t connect properly.

8.53pm GMT

90 min +1: And they nearly do. Suarez, on the edge of the centre circle, spots Asenjo miles off his line. He decides to shoot, as he does. It’s a fine effort, and has Asenjo beaten, but it floats just wide left of the left-hand post. Nearly a spectacular end to this game. The Barca supporters chant the man’s name again. They’ve made it quite clear tonight that they are appreciative of his talent, despite a slow-ish start at the club.

8.51pm GMT

90 min: There will be four added minutes of this. Villarreal can’t afford to concede again.

8.50pm GMT

89 min: Mario is back on, but he’s hobbling around in the 1950s FA Cup Final style.

8.50pm GMT

87 min: Suarez goes in the book, and this is farcical, preposterous. He’s booked because Musacchio has accidentally stepped on his own man Mario’s leg, as the Villarreal pair moved in on Suarez in a pincer movement. So Suarez has either been fingered for a foul he didn’t commit, or he’s booked for complaining that play wasn’t allowed to continue, the ref having blown up for a “foul”. Either way, Suarez is within his rights to have the funk on. Mind you, most sympathy should go to Mario, who can’t continue. And Villarreal have used up all their subs.

8.46pm GMT

85 min: Vietto makes good down the left again, and curls a cross into the centre. There’s no pace on it, though Giovani does his best to put something into it, 12 yards out, level with the left-hand post. Ter Stegen, who has had a shocker in this second half, isn’t dropping this one, as the ball sails serenely into his cupped gloves.

8.45pm GMT

83 min: Villarreal could be right back in this. Will they live to regret those spurned opportunities, especially the Giovani header?

8.44pm GMT

81 min: Vietto makes good down the inside left, laying off inside for Moi Gomes, who belts a low shot towards the bottom right. Mathieu bravely throws himself in the road, taking one smack on the noggin. Rukavina has another go, picking up the loose ball and cutting in from the right before shooting from the edge of the area. That one’s more conventionally dealt with.

8.41pm GMT

79 min: Vietto slides a lovely ball down the left for Giovani. Pique slides in to concede a corner. The ball’s hoicked into the middle. Ter Stegen comes out to punch clear, but only flaps instead. Giovani has a clear header from six yards, but somehow plants it wide right, with the keeper rolling around on his Aristotle.

8.38pm GMT

76 min: Neymar launches a garryowen into the Villarreal box. Asenjo rises to pluck the ball from the sky, and is clattered by Messi in mid air. The greatest players in the world throwing some rugby union shapes there. In fact the rugby theme continues, as Messi and Asenjo shake hands, sportingly, like grown adults. There’s nice.

8.36pm GMT

75 min:

Villarreal boss Marcelino is sent to the stand for effin’ and jeffin’ on the touchline.
Or his he? No. Thought he walked, but he was just told to pipe down.

8.35pm GMT

73 min: Cheryshev is replaced by Moi Gomes. Villarreal attempting to keep the score down here, because Barcelona are rampant right now.

8.34pm GMT

72 min: Rakitic nearly makes it 4-1 anyway, cutting in from the right and battering a stunning shot towards the top right from 12 yards. But Asenjo tips the ball round, and the corner’s dealt with easily enough.

8.33pm GMT

71 min: Neymar is handed the responsibility. A shake of the hips, and he fires low towards the left corner. But Asenjo is behind it all the way, parrying the effort out. Justice done.

8.32pm GMT

70 min: This is attack versus defence now. No guesses for who’s got the fun gig. Messi just to the left of the D, steps into the area. The ball spurts into the air and hits Musacchio on his left shoulder. The referee, outrageously, points to the spot. Oh come on. Even if that hit the top of his arm, it was accidental, and there was no way Musacchio could get out of the way. But penalty it is.

8.29pm GMT

68 min: Rafinha, who has been lively and skilful this evening, is replaced by Rakatic.

8.28pm GMT

67 min: Alves attempts to release Messi into the area down the right with a backheel, executed after a gentle spin. Nope. But full marks for trying.

8.27pm GMT

66 min: Pina batters Neymar to the floor with a scything challenge. That’s a no-brainer yellow, which given the man’s kit can be taken in more ways than one.

8.26pm GMT

Messi has been fairly quiet (by his own standards) since the restart. He reaches the byline on the right, and his looping cross is deflected out for a corner. Messi takes it himself, sending a high ball from the right arcing to the far post. Musacchio is a-kip, and Pique is free to plant a majestic header into the top left!

8.25pm GMT

62 min: From a Barca corner, forced by a Suarez snapshot in the right-hand portion of the Villarreal box, the visitors break upfield. They’re four on two! Rukavina makes off down the left, but just as he’s about to shuttle the ball on for Cheryshev, splitting Barca asunder, Mascherano comes romping across to make a crunching challenge. Crump! What a tackle! Straight out of the old school. Straight out of Argentina. Superlative defending.

8.22pm GMT

59 min: Musacchio lightly clips Suarez’s right boot as the pair chase a ball that’s going backwards, out of the Villarreal area. Suarez goes down with a scream, and he’s over-reacted. But then again, illegal contact is illegal contact. A fair claim for a penalty, there. It would have been one of the cheapest, silliest penalties of all time, but Musacchio would have had few complaints.

8.20pm GMT

58 min: Barcelona are bossing play again, pressing the visitors back a lot. Villarreal look to break clear a couple of times down the right through Vietto, but the long passes aren’t sticking.

8.18pm GMT

55 min: Barcelona triangulate at speed down the left. Mascherano then sprays a gorgeous crossfield pass towards Alves on the right. Alves whips a high cross to the near post, where Suarez heads over from 12 yards. A decent effort for most people, nutted goalwards with power from distance, but that was a close-range header by Suarez’s standards!

8.16pm GMT

53 min: Vietto slides a lovely pass down the inside left to release Giovani into the area. He’s got the chance to pull this back from the byline to the left of goal, and set up Vietto, but the flag goes up incorrectly for offside. Or maybe Giovani had a toe in an offside position. Where’s the benefit to the attacker? That was surely too close to call, first time, at high speed.

8.14pm GMT

50 min: Dos Santos picked up an injury just before Trigueros’s belter, and has been replaced by Rukavina. Villarreal will be highly irritated at losing the momentum so quickly, but with that away goal, they’re in a better position than they were at half time.

8.12pm GMT

An away goal for Villarreal, then, but they’ve lost the lead within one minute and 44 seconds. Iniesta one-twos with Suarez down the inside left to break into the area, and lashes low and into the bottom right as the away side snooze. Not a bad start to the second half, huh?

8.10pm GMT

Suarez is forced to head the corner out for another. That second one is just about cleared, but then Suarez lays off a lazy pass, allowing Trigueros to take up possession down the inside right. And goodness me! This is a stunner! A hammer from 25 yards, walloped into the top net at vicious speed ... though it’s gone straight through Ter Stegen’s hands. Poor keeping, but that was hit with such venom, you can almost (almost) excuse the mistake!

8.08pm GMT

46 min: No changes, by the way. Vietto embarks on a determined run down the right, and bustles into the area. He gets some sort of shot away. It’s not the best, truth be told, but good enough to force a deflection for a corner out on the right.

8.06pm GMT

And we’re off again! Barcelona, who had 73% of the ball in the first half, ratchet up that stat by a few hundredths of a percentage point by kicking off. Stats, eh. Don’t you just love ‘em? (Correct answer: no.)

7.53pm GMT

Half-time entertainment: This is marvellous, and not a little hypnotic.

7.52pm GMT

... the whistle goes. Villarreal faff around so long over the set piece, the referee can’t be bothered to wait for them to take it. Half time. Villarreal have the funk on, but only have themselves to blame for not hoicking it into the area in the hope of carving out one last chance in the first half. Not a classic, but the scoreline’s about right so far.

7.51pm GMT

45 min +1: Or do they? They nearly level the scores, and grab a precious away goal! Cheryshev strides down the left, and whips a cross into the centre. From six yards, Vietto twists and curls an effort towards the bottom right. It’s not hit sweetly, but it’s heading in, and for a second it looks as though Ter Stegen isn’t going to get there. But he extends a finger to turn it round the post! A corner, at which point ...

7.49pm GMT

45 min: Alves chips a ball down the inside-right channel and into the box. Suarez chests down and swivels to shoot. He can’t get his shot away, but Messi, on his right shoulder, can. He belts from close range, but a tight angle, into the side netting. Villarreal have lost their discipline. They really need to hear the half-time whistle, in order to regroup.

7.48pm GMT

44 min: Neymar shoots, or does he cross, from a position down the inside-left channel, just inside the area. Suarez is a toe’s length away from sliding in at the far post and converting, bottom right. But no.

7.47pm GMT

43 min: Messi attempts to return the favour, flicking a delicious little ball round the corner, down the right wing, to spring Suarez into the box. Suarez lashes a shot across Asenjo and towards the bottom left, but drags it a bit and the ball flies wide of the target. So much for that lack of confidence. What do I know? Ter Stegen has touched the ball six times, that’s what I know!

7.45pm GMT

So much for Suarez and his lack of confidence! He steals the ball off Musacchio down the left, and strides into the box. He cuts it back, onto the penalty spot, where Messi rushes in to belt home! The home crowd make a point of chanting Suarez’s name. He’ll feel at home here soon enough, I’ll be bound.

7.43pm GMT

39 min: Ter Stegen’s certainly touched it now, punching clear with confidence as Cheryshev swings a free kick in from the left. Barca break upfield, through Suarez down the left, but he’s lost a bit of confidence since his move from Liverpool, and wanders down a blind alley.

7.42pm GMT

38 min: Actually, he’s touched the ball five times. That’ll serve me right for stealing facts from the Sky commentary team. MBM karma in action, right there.

7.40pm GMT

37 min: Having said that, Ter Stegen hasn’t touched the ball at all yet!

7.39pm GMT

36 min: Asenjo hasn’t had a shot on target to deal with yet.

7.38pm GMT

35 min: Alves, hovering down the inside-right channel, slides a pass along the channel for Suarez, who enters the area, swivels, and scoops a cross into the middle. Neymar is preparing to meet the cross, but Ruiz rises to eyebrow away.

7.36pm GMT

33 min: The already departed Bruno is replaced by Trigueros.

7.36pm GMT

32 min: Rafinha slips a ball down the inside-right, releasing Mathieu into the box. The defender lashes an unstoppable shot into the top right. Fine effort. Problem is, he was yards offside. The flag goes up. Villarreal remain intact.

7.35pm GMT

31 min: Bruno has injured himself while sliding in to challenge Iniesta back there. He’s whisked off on the emergency truck. He looked in a lot of pain, having sat on his own foot and bent it backwards. Not sure he’ll be coming back.

7.33pm GMT

29 min: Messi could do with a bit of accuracy, actually. Iniesta strides into the box down the left. He dribbles past a couple of men before cutting back for Messi, on the edge of the box. Messi takes a first-time swipe, and lashes a dismal effort by his standards over the bar.

7.31pm GMT

28 min: Barcelona have enjoyed nearly 70% of the possession so far. If you want to be exact, it’s 68%, but “nearly 70%” sounds better. Who needs accuracy?

7.30pm GMT

26 min: A moment of blessed relief for Villarreal, who knock it around in the middle of the park awhile. They go absolutely nowhere, but they’re more than a quarter of the way through the match now, and they’ve yet to concede.

7.28pm GMT

24 min: Alba crosses from the left. Messi, on the edge of the area to the left of the D, attempts to recreate Zinedine Zidane’s volley in the 2002 Champions League final. Flay! Whoosh! Air-swipe! You don’t see that very often. He’s only human, a mass of contradictions made flesh.

7.26pm GMT

22 min: Messi sashays (yep) down the right. He’s got Costa backpedalling in Full Panic mode. Messi whips a gorgeous low ball through the six-yard box. Suarez was a toenail away from prodding home at the near post. Very close to the opening goal there.

7.24pm GMT

20 min: Mascherano is down injured. A really nasty stamp on the instep by Vietto, studs up, with not much control. The striker’s lucky not to get at least a booking for that. Mascherano looks like he’ll be OK, which allows us to enjoy his reaction at being fouled a little bit more: it was a full hop through 360 degrees while screaming YAROO! Straight out of the DC Thomson cartoon playbook from 1948.

7.22pm GMT

18 min: Villarreal can’t get out from their own half. Barca are pinning them back in some style, though in fairness Asenjo hasn’t had too much to do so far.

7.20pm GMT

16 min: A couple of chances for Suarez within a minute. First, racing into the area at full speed, he toe-ends a deep Messi right-wing cross wide left of goal. Then he heads a deep left-wing Alba cross wide right. A deflection on that second effort, and the set piece is a complete waste of time. It’s fairly open, this game.

7.19pm GMT

15 min: Suarez goes down in the Villarreal box, under the slightest pressure from Musacchio. There was contact, but not much, and the referee isn’t having it. The visitors break upfield through Vietto, and he’s only (only!) got a couple of men to beat. Chance to head for the box, but he checks back and the moment is gone. A couple of gaps are appearing in the Barca defence, though.

7.17pm GMT

14 min: Villarreal are set up to hit Barca on the break. Cheryshev thinks about romping down the left, with the hosts light at the back, but faffs around and the chance to apply a bit of rare pressure is gone.

7.16pm GMT

12 min: This is fairly relentless. Suarez, down the right channel, nudges a ball to his left. Messi, on the right-hand edge of the D, hits a no-backlift riser towards the top right. There’s no real power in the effort, or at least not enough to beat Asenjo. The home fans are beginning to get into this.

7.15pm GMT

11 min: Messi sashays - does he ever do anything but sashay? - in from the right. A third looping cross of the evening. This one flies off the head of Mario, and out for a corner on the left. The set piece is, once again, a non-event.

7.13pm GMT

10 min: Messi again crosses deep from the right. Suarez is ready to spring, a couple of yards away from the left-hand post, but Asenjo punches clear. Barca are soon coming back at their guests, though, with the fully revived Alves busting down the right to win a corner. The set piece is nothing to write home about, but Barca are beginning to knock at the door.

7.12pm GMT

9 min: Suarez shovels a pass wide right for Messi, who crosses deep looking for Neymar. Musacchio is on hand to deal with the situation, again.

7.11pm GMT

8 min: Messi and Neymar exchange passes down the inside-left channel. Messi’s pitching wedge of a pass nearly finds his team-mate in the area, but Musacchio is big and strong, and mops up.

7.09pm GMT

6 min: Alves is down receiving treatment after being clattered by Vietto. The Villarreal striker clipped his right ankle, but it’s his left knee that seems to be the problem. Twist and shout. He hobbles off, but is soon back on. This game’s yet to get going. Two legs, isn’t it.

7.08pm GMT

5 min: Here’s a stat, courtesy of the News International Television Service. Villarreal have scored the opening goal in their last 21 matches! That includes their last visit here. Let’s see if they can keep this up, then.

7.07pm GMT

3 min: A ball over the top nearly springs Alves into the Villarreal box down the right. Costa rises to head powerfully clear. A fairly placid start, though Barca are enjoying the lion’s share of possession.

7.05pm GMT

And we’re off! Villarreal get the ball rolling. A bit of stroking it around by both teams, to little effect. There’s not much of an atmosphere in Camp Nou right now. Two legs, you see.

7.04pm GMT

The teams are out! Villarreal are dressed in their famous yellow. The Yellow Submarine will be hoping in-form, rampant Barcelona aren’t blaugrana meanies. Yes, OK, I know. We’ll be off in a minute. But first a moment’s jazz violin for the recently departed erstwhile Barca manager Udo Lattek. What a fine touch. A plaintive fiddle is much more touching than simple silence or, worse, nervous applause. Can this catch on in Britain, please?

6.25pm GMT

Barcelona: Ter Stegen, Alves, Pique, Mathieu, Alba, Rafinha, Mascherano, Iniesta, Messi, Suarez, Neymar.
Subs: Masip, Bartra, Adriano, Busquets, Rakitic, Xavi, Pedro.

Villarreal: Asenjo, Mario, Musacchio, Victor Ruiz, Jaume Costa, dos Santos, Pina, Bruno, Cheryshev, Giovani, Vietto.
Subs: Carlos, Campbell, Trigueros, Dorado, Gomez, Rukavina, Moreno.

5.45pm GMT

Barcelona have reached the final of the Copa del Rey 36 times, winning on 26 occasions; Villarreal, on the other hand, have yet to get there once. But then again, Neymar and Luis Suarez have never played in a Spanish cup final either. So who wants it more? We’re about to start finding out! (Sort of. Does anyone like two-legged semi-finals? Answer: No.)

Barcelona are hot favourites to establish a first-leg lead. They’ve won their last nine games in all competitions, a run of form which has seen them close on Primera Liga leaders Real Madrid in the title race, and knock Spanish champions Atlético Madrid out of the cup. They’ve beaten Villarreal home and away already this season. They’re at home again tonight. And their stellar squad have, in their past 12 games, registered two scores of four, three of five, one of six, and another of eight. Gulp!

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The Fiver | The Marie Antoinette of football administration

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LET THEM EAT CAKE pt.II

The Premier League: it’s the best league in the world! Except it’s not, is it. Let’s set aside any debate over how good the (shivers, spits, dry heaves) product is, which wouldn’t be much of an argument anyway, seeing Chelsea are walking one of the most boring title races in history yet can’t even cope with visits from Bradford City in the cup without touching ventilated climacool® cloth, or that the Scottish league, the Scottish league, is far less predictable right at this minute. No, The Fiver’s disdain is mainly reserved for the abject manner in which things are run off the pitch. What a miserable business it is.

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