Keith McArthur's Blog, page 14

How to Connect With Anyone

Before I get to the point of this post — tips on how to connect with anyone — I want to share a story with you.

Back when I was in university, a friend told me a mutual acquaintance had asked about me. But not in a good way.

“What’s with Keith?” she asked him. “He seems so unfriendly. Even though we went to the same high school, he doesn’t say ‘hi’ or smile when we cross paths. He must think he’s better than anyone else.”

She thought I was arrogant. In fact, I was a shy introvert who didn’t know how to connect with people.

I’m still an introvert. Connecting with new people can be exhausting for me. What’s different is that I’ve learned skills that help me connect with anyone. While my quiet introversion used to come off as arrogance, now I can sometimes fool people into thinking I’m an extrovert.

Here are two tips to help you learn how to connect with anyone.

1. Flash a genuine smile

In the book How To Talk To Anyone, author Leil Lowndes spends the first nine chapters focusing on body language, what she calls “how to look like a somebody.”

And her first and foremost body language tip is about smiling.

Smiling is also one of the six techniques Dale Carnegie prescribes in his 1936 classic How to Win Friends and Influence People.

When you smile at someone, the “threat” part of the recipient’s brain slows down and the”connection” part of the brain speeds up. When I didn’t smile at that young woman in university, I came across as threatening.

But it can’t be just any smile. If someone is faking a smile we can detect it and our “threat” synapses keep firing.

Lowndes prescribes what she calls a “flooding smile.” Here’s how it works. Don’t instantly smile when you see someone. Instead, take a moment to connect with that person by looking them in the face. If you do, a warm, responsive smile will “flood over your face and overflow into your eyes.”

2. Talk about the other person

We all know someone who only wants to talk about himself or herself. Tell him a story about something that happened to you, he’ll counter with something that happened to him. Had a bad day? Hers was worse. Accomplished something amazing? You can be sure that person has done it before, only ten times better.

Is this someone we’re attracted to spend time with? Not at all.

The people we want to spend time with are people who seem interested in spending time with us.

If you look at Carnegie’s six ways to make people like you almost all of them are about paying attention to the other person. Here’s the full list:

Become genuinely interested in other people
Smile
Remember that a person’s name is to him or her the sweetest and most important sound in any language
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves
Talk in terms of the other person’s interests
Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely

What’s not on this list? Bragging, boasting, criticizing and complaining. You know why? Because people don’t actually care how great you are; what really matters to them is how great you think they are. So if you want to drive people away, talk about your accomplishments. If you want to connect with them, ask them about theirs.

What about you? What’s worked best for you in connecting with others?

The post How to Connect With Anyone appeared first on My Instruction Manual.

Announcing the My Instructional Manual Podcast

For the past few weeks, I’ve been working on a secret project and I’m finally ready to tell you about it! In late October, I’ll be launching a brand new podcast based on the My Instruction Manual blog.

Each week, I’ll be interviewing big-name thought leaders about topics related to health, happiness, productivity, motivation and relationships.

The My Instruction Manual Podcast will also feature recurring segments with a roster of regular contributors: Joelle Anderson on mindfulness, Kathleen Trotter on fitness and Michelle Jaelin on nutrition. Scroll down to learn more about these amazing women!

Do you want to be part of the My Instruction Manual podcast? Each week, I’ll be joined by a personal development / self improvement blogger to talk about one of their posts. The best way to get your blog on the roster is to join the Self Improvement Blogger Alliance.

Today’s announcement coincides with International Podcast Day. Do you listen to podcasts? What advice to you have for me in launching the My Instruction Manual Podcast? Let me know in the comments!

Regular Contributor Michele Jaelin on Nutrition

[image error]

Michelle Jaelin is both a trained artist and a Registered Dietitian who is known as The NutritionArtist. She appears regularly as in newspapers, magazines and on television as an expert in healthy eating.

Check her out on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

Regular Contributor Kathleen Trotter on Fitness

[image error]

Kathleen Trotter is a personal trainer and author of Finding Your Fit: A Compassionate Trainer’s Guide to Making Fitness a Lifelong Habit. She appears regularly in the media helping people to find the motivation and strategies to get fit.

Check her out on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Regular Contributor Joelle Anderson on Mindfulness

[image error]

Joelle Anderson is a therapist who specializes in mindfulness-based techniques. She is also creator and host of the Kernel of Wisdom YouTube channel, which features instructional videos and guided meditations.

Check her out on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook. And if you haven’t tried meditating yet, her”How to Mediate for Beginners” video is a great place to start!

The post Announcing the My Instructional Manual Podcast appeared first on My Instruction Manual.

How I Let Mindfulness Stress Me Out

The stress was building in my head, and I needed mindfulness.

Proof in point: I lost my temper the other day and yelled at my teenage son Connor. Not cool.

Though I’m just a beginner, I’m a believer in mindfulness meditation as a way to relieve stress. So far, I’d only done 10-minute breathing exercises on my own. But I needed something more intense to get my head straight. I decided to try a guided meditation session at the local YMCA.

Read my post: An Introduction to Mindfulness Meditation.

I read the schedule wrong and nearly missed the guided meditation, so I needed to rush to make it on time. I got to the spin class room — which doubles as the meditation space — with seconds to spare. Other students were waiting, but there was no teacher. Eventually, one of the other students went to inquire at the front desk. He came back and told us today’s class was cancelled.

Other people in the class saw this as a minor inconvenience. I saw it as a personal attack on my existence, and I just couldn’t get this affront out of my mind. I complained at the front desk. I tracked down the instructor and complained to her. I complained on Twitter about it.

Arrived at my first guided meditation class to find out it was cancelled. Now feeling 40% less mindful.

— Keith McArthur (@keithmcarthur) September 21, 2017

All the while, I convinced myself that I was advocating, not complaining because I was being polite and just trying to make sure this didn’t happen again.

But for half an hour more, I replayed my grievances over and over in my mind.

Keep in mind that I did all this over a mindfulness meditation class. The irony wasn’t lost on me.

And then it hit me.

I realized that while mindfulness is about practice and meditation, being mindful is also about making a choice.

If I want to be mindful, I need to make that choice every day.

Some days, I need to make it hundreds of times.

The post How I Let Mindfulness Stress Me Out appeared first on My Instruction Manual.

We’re Moving: Here’s How It Affects You

Hey there!

I wanted to let you all know that tomorrow I’ll be migrating My Instruction Manual.

For its first four months, the blog has been hosted at WordPress. It’s been a good ride. But I’ve got some big things planned, and in order to grow, the blog needs to become self-hosted.

The change will happen tomorrow, Friday, Sept. 22.

You may notice a few changes:

If you follow the blog through WordPress, you will no longer get e-mails each time I post. You will still continue to receive my content through the WordPress Reader, but if you want to receive emails whenever there’s fresh content, you need enter your email address in the green box that says “Follow us by email!.” You’ll find this box to the right if you’re on a web browser, or down below all the blog posts if you’re using a mobile device.
While your comments will remain, all your likes will disappear from my posts. Don’t worry. I know we’re still friends.
I’ve decided to stop re-blogging posts, so I’m going to take this opportunity to delete the re-blogged posts from My Instruction Manual. If you’ve commented on these re-blogged posts, your comments will disappear. Sorry!

With a big change like this, it’s always possible there will be unforeseen problems such as posts disappearing or the site going dark. If this happens, I’ll do my best to get things back to normal as quickly as possible.

Please watch this space for announcements about what’s next for My Instruction Manual. Meantime, I’d love to connect with you on Facebook, Twitter and Bloglovin’.

Keith

Advertisements

What’s Your Language of Love?

Let’s say you want to do things to make your partner feel loved. So whenever you get the chance, you pick him up a little gift.

It may not be anything big; maybe it’s picking up his favorite brand of bagels, or the new book from his favorite novelist. The point is, it’s something to show you’re thinking of him. It’s something to make him feel loved.

You know it should make him feel loved because that’s how you feel when he picks up little things for you. The problem is, he doesn’t do that much anymore. He did when you started dating, but it seems that lately, he hasn’t been thinking much about you. He says all the right things, how he loves you, how you’re so beautiful and funny and good at your job. But the words just feel empty now.

What’s going on here?

It might be that you speak completely different love languages, according to Gary Chapman, the author of The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts.

Chapman says the biggest cause of problems in relationships is that people tend to express love in the way they themselves feel loved. And that doesn’t work because most couples speak different languages of love.

According to Chapman, there are five different love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch.

Have you figured out the primary language of love in the above example? It’s clearly “receiving gifts.” And the boyfriend who says all the nice things? There’s a good chance his primary language of love is “words of affirmation.”

Chapman says that if you and your partner can figure out each other’s love languages and learn to speak them fluently, your relationship will flourish.

Here’s what’s important to each group:

Words of Affirmation. These are people who need compliments and recognition of things they do well, along with romantic words like “I love you,” “I care about you,” “you’re beautiful,” and “you matter to me.”

Acts of Service. This group feels loved when other people go out of their way to do something for them. Sometimes this means showing you care by pulling your weight with chores around the house. Or it could mean getting up early with the kids so your partner can sleep in or go for a run.

Receiving Gifts. This category feels loved when their partners provide gifts. This doesn’t necessarily mean they’re materialistic. The gifts could be homemade, symbolic or donations to charity.

Quality Time. These people feel loved when people choose to spend time with them. Sometimes it’s enough just to be together. But it’s even better when their partners do something they don’t necessarily like to do, like joining them at a baseball game, or watching all six hours of the BBC’s Pride and Prejudice series.

Physical Touch. This group feels loved when their partners are physically close to them. It isn’t necessarily about sex. Often it’s about hugs, cuddles and caresses.

The book includes some detailed surveys to identify your love language, but Chapman says there’s an easier way to identify your category:

What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.
What have you most often requested of your spouse? The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse? Your method of expressing love may be an indication that that would also make you feel loved.

My wife Laura and I took the test and it seems we have different love languages. Mine is “quality time” which explains why I get so easily hurt when she keeps me waiting. Hers is “words of affirmation” which explains why it’s so painful to her when I go quiet because I’m tired or preoccupied.

This book has it’s flaws. It’s somewhat outdated (first published in 1992), with gender stereotypes (separate surveys for men and women), and is heavily grounded in the author’s Christian faith. But Chapman does provide a helpful model for explaining how different people feel and express love in different ways.

What about you? Do you recognize yourself or your partner in one of these categories? I’m especially curious about readers from outside of North America. Do these love languages hold up in other cultures?

 

Advertisements

Our Promise to Alex

Early Tuesday morning, my mom sent an instant message to my sisters and me: “Give me a call when you get this please.”

She had tragic news to share. My 24-year-old cousin Alex had drowned. Through his short life, Alex had suffered from seizures because his brain wasn’t wired the usual way. He appears to have had one in a swimming pool.

I have dozens of cousins, but Alex has always had a special place in my heart. Nineteen years ago this month, he was the ring bearer at our wedding. That’s him on our wedding day in the image accompanying this post. He seemed so proud to be part of our special day.

As he grew up, Alex’s brain condition meant that he didn’t have the freedom other teens and young adults did. But he never seemed to let it get him down. At family gatherings, he was always laughing, smiling and teasing. He created joy for those around him.

I recently wrote a blog post about how curses become blessings. But after Alex died, that post felt so naive, so ignorant, so wrong. How could the untimely death of this beautiful young soul be anything but a curse?

I wanted to write a blog post about Alex, but I the only emotion I could muster was anger and sadness that life could be so unfair.

But then Alex’s friend Jaylene got up to speak at his funeral. She talked about her generous and loyal friend with a contagious smile and a unique sense of style.

And then she asked us to do something for Alex:

 

I want everyone to make a promise to Alex today. One you must keep. In all you do, be grateful, confident and happy. Never let anything hold you back from being who you are. Embrace every minute and every day. And most importantly, love hard and be there for each other.

Whether you knew Alex or not, you will honor his memory if you choose to live your life this way.

After the service, a white dove landed in a tree in front of the church. The dove seemed to be watching as Alex’s family and his service dog Oscar got into their car. We were mesmerized. In religions around the world, the white dove has special significance. In Christianity, the dove is portrayed as a symbol of the holy spirit. And Slavs traditionally believed that the doves carry the souls of the dead to heaven.

I couldn’t help but take a picture:

[image error]

As Alex’s family shut the door to the car, the dove flew away.

We left the church and met up at a reception to celebrate Alex’s life.

When it was time to go, my wife Laura said goodbye to Alex’s dad. He gave her a hug and some teary advice: “Go home and hug your boys.”

You can bet we did.

To cherish every moment we have with our children is another promise we’ll be sure to keep in Alex’s honor.

Advertisements

Is it Better to Be an Over-Buyer or an Under-Buyer?

One of my favorite insights into human nature comes from Gretchen Rubin, the author of The Happiness Project and a bunch of other great self improvement / personal development books.

Rubin says people tend to be either over-buyers or under-buyers.

Over-buyers like to stock up and plan ahead. Their shopping habits are motivated by the fear that they might run out of something.

Under-buyers don’t like to buy things until they need them. Their shopping habits are motivated by the fear is that they might waste money or time buying and storing things they don’t need.

I’m an under-buyer. I find it hard to wrap my head around the idea of buying things we don’t need yet. I hate having to throw out spoiled food and don’t like the feeling when cupboards are overflowing to the point that it’s hard to find anything.

But under-buying has its problems. Underbuyers tend to make a lot of late-night trips to the drug store, according to Rubin.

My biggest personal under-buying challenge is that I don’t like to fill up the tank on my car too early. I hate stopping for gas and I’d like to do it as seldom as possible. So if I can time it so my tank is nearly empty — BOOM! — fewer stops at the gas station and more time for me!

But it never quit works out that way. Imagine being a few miles from the nearest gas station and the “Distance to Empty” display on your car is already at zero. I’ve been there. More than once. At other times, I’ve been late for appointments or meetings because I’ve had to stop for gas on the way.

 

It’s because of stories like this that over-buyers have trouble understanding under-buyers like me.

But over-buyers create their own stress, Rubin says:

Over-buyers feel stressed because they’re hemmed in by stuff. They often don’t have enough storage space for everything they’ve bought, or they can’t find what they have. They feel oppressed by the number of errands they believe they need to do, and by the waste and clutter often created by their over-buying.

The middle-ground — somewhere between overbuying and underbuying — is the best approach.

As part of my journey to be happy, healthy, connected, organized and inspired, I’m trying to do little things that can make a big difference in my life.

One example: I’m trying to buy gas before I need it. My goal is no longer to get gas after I get below 50 kilometers to empty, but before I get to 100. I’ve done this the last few times I’ve filled up the tank, and I must admit, it’s making a big difference in driving-related stress!

What about you? Are you an under-buyer or an over-buyer? Do you feel your shopping tendencies give you any stress?

Baseball and Belonging 2017

One of my favorite things to do with my son Bryson is to take him to baseball games. I had wheelchair-accessible tickets for a bunch of games this year, but since my kidney transplant, I haven’t been able to be out alone with him.

Because of his GRIN1-related disabilities, taking Bryson out alone can involve a lot of heavy lifting — something my doctors wanted me to avoid until recently.

But later this month, for the final home game of the Toronto Blue Jays’ lost season, I will finally get to take Bryson to Rogers Centre for a game.

One of my favorite memories of Bryson — and the Toronto Blue Jays — happened two years ago this fall when the baseball team finally made it to the playoffs again after a 22-year drought.

At the time, I wrote in my previous blog about our experience at one of the most amazing events in Canadian sports history. This story is also featured in the anthology Bat Flip: The Greatest Toronto Blue Jays Stories Ever Told.

As part of my series of GRIN1 posts, I wanted to share it again here.

My son Bryson and I were among the tens of thousands who congregated on Front Street after game five of the Blue Jays -Rangers division series. It was undoubtedly one of the best moments of my life.

Walking back to the parking lot, we couldn’t move more than a few steps without someone coming up to give Bryson a high five. One generous fan gave Bryson a ball he had caught at the game. Earlier, a vendor who was selling posters outside the Rogers Centre ate his costs and gave one to Bryson for free. They were strangers, but then again they weren’t. This was our tribe and Bryson was at the centre of it.

In many ways, Bryson goes through his life as an outsider. As a non-verbal 9-year-old in a wheelchair, he tends to be the quiet observer looking in from the outside. Not this time. Halfway through our walk, a jubilant Bryson let out a cheer and dozens around us joined in. Then the same amazing thing happened again. And again. For a few brief moments, Bryson wasn’t just part of the tribe, he was leading it.

Tribalism in sports tends to be viewed negatively. It can certainly lead to boorish behaviour as it did in the seventh inning when angry fans began throwing beer. But the power of sports is that it creates a sense of belonging. We are Toronto. We are Canada. We are the Blue Jays.

For four hours, the 49,000 fans at the game – and millions more watching on TV – shared a communion of emotions. Together, we were excited at returning home for a game five that seemed impossible a few days before. Together, we were worried when Texas took an early 2-0 lead. Together, we were angry when we felt the Rangers had stolen a run. Together, we were ecstatic when Jose Bautista hit his three-run home run. Together, we were concerned when Texas brought the tying run to the plate in the eighth inning. Together we were triumphant when our 20-year-old closer pummeled Texas with four strikeouts to secure victory.

Even after the game, Canadians rallied around our hero, Jose Bautista, as he became America’s villain, criticized for not playing the game the right way.

I remember an awkward teenage period where I felt like an outsider. At school, I felt depressed and lonely, but at a Blue Jays games, I was confident and optimistic. It was the late eighties and the new SkyDome was selling out game after game. I was part of it all. I belonged.

A friend of mine took his 97-year-old grandfather, a holocaust survivor, to the 14-inning playoff game earlier in this series. He’s been a fan since 1977 and never misses a game; he won’t even eat if the Jays are playing. After losing most of his family and living through unimaginable horrors as a young man in a concentration camp, the Blue Jays provided comfort. They still do.

There are no outsiders in a sports tribe. You’re in because you choose to be. This, of course, is not absolute. After a baby got hit by a thrown beer in the seventh inning, most in social media were appalled. But some blamed the parents for bringing a baby to a winner-take-all game. Babies didn’t belong in their tribe.

There are probably some who feel the same about Bryson, but for those magical moments after game 5, he felt only acceptance. Most days, Bryson has a hard time sitting in a wheelchair for a long period of time. He is scared of large crowds. And he is terrified by noise. But when I take him to Blue Jays games, none of those things bother him. A sense of calm falls over him. He is safe and secure with his tribe.

Jerry Seinfeld famously said we don’t cheer for players, we cheer for the clothes they wear.

But that’s not right. We cheer to belong.

A postscript: the holocaust survivor I mentioned in this post died this summer. But his love of the Blue Jays lives on. His grandson (my friend) will be taking his own son to the final game of the season. It is expected to be the final Toronto game for Jose Bautista who hit that epic home run in Game 3 of the 2015 ALDS.

When Curses Become Blessings

Today marks five months since my kidney transplant. On the eleventh of each month, I mark this milestone by remembering to be grateful to my little sister for donating a kidney and giving me a second chance at life.

At the same time, I take stock of all the other things I have to be grateful for.

Today, I’m grateful that curses sometimes become blessings.

In university, I kept a notebook with a list of important life lessons. One lesson: “That that ills cures.”

The idea was that sometimes the things we least want to do are the most important things for us to do. Sometimes the things that make us feel sick just thinking about them are the very things we need to do to grow and to feel good. (For another life lesson, please read: Enjoy the Journey.)

But sometimes we don’t get to choose; sometimes the things we’re most afraid of just happen.

When my wife Laura and I first realized that our son Bryson had significant developmental delays, it felt like a curse.

For most expectant parents, the biggest fear is that something will be wrong with their child. Ask an expectant mom if she hopes to have a boy or girl, and she’ll likely reply: “I don’t care as long as it’s healthy.”

It’s what she’s supposed to say.

For new parents, a healthy baby means that things have turned out as they were supposed to.

An unhealthy baby, on the other hand, feels like a curse. An unhealthy baby means a that things went wrong; that your life as a parent will be radically different from the one you expected.

But every now and then something happens which reminds us that, even when we don’t choose them, curses can be blessings too.

Yesterday, my teenage son Connor had offered to watch Bryson, who has been diagnosed with GRIN1, a rare genetic condition that results in severe physical and mental disabilities.

I went to check on them, half expecting Connor to be on his phone while Bryson played alone. Instead, I saw Connor smiling and speaking gently to his brother. I watched from the doorway, unnoticed, while Connor set up towers for Bryson to knock down.

Watching them play together like brothers, real brothers, like the kind of relationship we anticipated when we were expecting our second child, was the best feeling in the world. I felt so lucky, so blessed, to have these wonderful children in my life.

Let me be clear: Bryson has a cursed life. It’s not fair that he has to struggle so much each day, enduring seizures, unable to walk, challenged to communicate. I would give up anything to let him have a normal life.

But that doesn’t mean my life is cursed. Having Bryson in my life is a blessing. And today, I’m grateful for that.

 

Getting a GRIN1 Diagnosis

In December of 2015, my son Bryson was diagnosed with GRIN1, a rare genetic condition. A blog post I wrote about the diagnosis has become the most popular piece on my previous blog, with more than 5,000 views.

Because GRIN1 is so rare, doctors tend not to know much about the condition so families are desperate for information. They turn to Dr. Google, and my post is one of the few non-technical results they find. Dozens of families have reached out to me this way and I’ve forward them on the the GRIN1 support group on Facebook.

I want to do a better job of helping these families when they first get the diagnosis. Over the next few days, I’m going to share more about GRIN1. I’m starting today with my reflections a few days after we got the diagnosis.

Laura took a deep breath and mustered up the courage to call the neurology clinic.

Families of sick children were supposed to wait patiently. The clinic nurse had made this clear eight weeks earlier when Laura first called to check up on Bryson’s lab results.

But parents quickly learn that it pays to be pushy. And what was supposed to be a four-month wait had stretched to half a year of waiting to find out if Bryson had tested positive for a degenerative disease that would prevent him from reaching adulthood. So Laura ignored the ‘don’t call us; we’ll call you’ directive and dialed again.

“The results still aren’t back,” the nurse said. “We’ll call you when they are.”

When Laura pressed, the nurse reluctantly agreed to check on the file. A few minutes later, the nurse returned to the phone to sheepishly acknowledge that an error had been made. Bryson’s blood was never sent to the US lab for testing.

The reality of this – another four months of waiting – hit Laura hard. She hung up the phone and wept.

Four months later, the results finally came back. They were negative.

For nearly a decade, Bryson has endured countless tests to try to uncover a diagnosis: A muscle biopsy. Multiple MRIs and EEGs. Dozens of blood and genetics tests. One by one, we crossed potential diagnoses off the list as every test came back negative.

But a few days ago our world changed. Through a full sequencing of Bryson’s DNA, we have a diagnosis. Bryson has an extremely rare genetic disorder known as GRIN1, named for the gene that is misspelled.

It’s so rare that our doctors don’t really know much about it. And there’s very little on the Internet about it. But through social media, we’ve already connected with families in the United States and Europe who have children with this diagnosis.

While details vary from person to person, the common symptoms include moderate to severe intellectual disability and low muscle tone. Many kids also have seizures. Interestingly, several of these children find joy watching sports.

And the good news: the disease isn’t degenerative. GRIN1 kids progress and develop in physical and mental ability at their own pace.

Our kind and brilliant genetics doctor, Ronald Cohn, confided he’s been surprised over the years at how happy families are to receive a diagnosis – even when it doesn’t change treatment.

And indeed, getting a diagnosis has changed our world.

Laura has always felt like maybe the pregnancy was her fault – that she did something wrong when Bryson was in her belly. The pressure on expectant mothers to be perfect is immense. Now she can finally let go of this toxic guilt.

And for me? I understand now that Bryson’s little body is doing exactly what it’s supposed to be doing given his own genetic code. He is perfect. Yes, one of his genes is coded differently, but the vast majority – some 20,000 – are copies of mine and Laura’s.

Not only that, but we now have the knowledge that in the future, there could possibly be new treatments – medicines or gene therapies – that could help Bryson to progress more quickly.

The biggest change, however, is that our family is finally part of a community. It’s a small community; we know of just eight other people with the disease. But we are no longer alone.

Bryson will never be alone.

I’ve shared posts about Bryson before, here and here. The photo above is of Bryson and me on his first day of school. Isn’t he such a handsome little dude?