Shlomo Vaknin's Blog, page 5
June 15, 2018
Mirroring (method)
Enhance your ability to establish rapport and to model excellence. This pattern builds a useful “second position” with another person. This skill is key in modeling others and for becoming intuitive in understanding the internal experiences of those you model. Here’s a quote about Mirroring and Rapport from the book NLP: The New Technology of Achievement, by NLP Comprehensive, Steve Andreas and Charles Faulkner: “Fitting in is a powerful human need. We all have many examples of these behaviors, because we do them already. They are all based on some form of being similar, familiar or alike. Finding ways to be alike reduces our differences, and so we find the common ground upon which to base a relationship.”
Step #1. Select the subject.
Step #2. Conduct the conversation while mirroring the person.
Step #3. Exercise your rapport: Test your intuition and understanding of the person.
Step #4. Exercise your influence by shifting your attitude and physiology.
Step #5. Test.
Step #1. Select the subject.
Select someone for a conversation. Don’t tell them that you will be mirroring them.
Step #2. Conduct the conversation while mirroring the person.
During the conversation, ask their opinions on various topics. Mirror their physiology, including factors such as the tenor and cadence of their speech, and body language such as gestures. Do this subtly. If you need help maintaining the dialog, use active listening. This involves showing that you understand what they are saying by rephrasing their contributions. Beginning with a phrase such as, “You mean…” or “So you’re saying…” As you mirror, add elements such as their breathing as much as possible. Notice how you feel as rapport between you two develops.
Step #3. Exercise your rapport: Test your intuition and understanding of the person.
Test your ability to understand through rapport. Try out your intuitions about what they are saying.
Can you guess their opinion before they express it?
If you agree, try expressing the opinion yourself, and see how this affects rapport. If you express the opinion in a less certain manner, the person may gain pleasure from holding forth to reassure you that the opinion is correct, and demonstrate their mastery of the subject. This helps establish you as a positive anchor. Highly effective rapport can gain information about the other person that you can learn to pull out of your subconscious, making you feel as though you are psychic. This is very useful in modeling.
Step #4. Exercise your influence by shifting your attitude and physiology.
Test your ability to influence others through rapport. Try shifting your attitude and physiology (e.g., breath pace, facial expression, and body language) in what you consider to be a desirable or possible direction. For example, shifting from a resentful or angry state gradually into a more constructive or powerful state. If you do this with some care, the other party is likely to shift with you. This has enormous value in areas such as sales, leadership and coaching.
Step #5. Test.
Explore these skills of “pacing and leading” in your relationships. Think of situations in which you could use these skills to improve your personal life or career performance. Notice what outcomes you get, and refine as you go.
Behavior Appreciation
Improve your performance and self care by developing a positive approach to personal development. This pattern uses anchors to find the positive intention (the underlying positive outcome-seeking pattern) underlying a negative behavior. For example, if you burst into tears at times, you have better options than feeling inferior. Instead, this positive approach might help you decide to accept your need to release an emotional burden, and might help you find ways to live without unnecessary stress.
Step #1. Identify the behavior.
Step #2. Anchor the context space.
Step #3. Access your underlying positive motivation.
Step #4. Part Space
Step #5. Test.
Step #1. Identify the behavior.
Select a negative behavior. It may be primarily a feeling, a thought pattern, or physical actions. Include the context in which you carry out the behavior.
Step #2. Anchor the context space.
a. Where in your visual field or body does this experience seem to belong? Imagine that this spot is a location that you can step into, and that when you step into it, you will see the location around you where the behavior has occurred. This spot now represents the behavior and its context, like a location or a space where you can stand in your imagination. We’ll call this the “context space.”
b. Step into this space, imagining that it is the location where the behavior took place. Begin thinking of the behavior in its context. Recall this as vividly as possible. Anchor the behavior and its context to this spot.
Step #3. Access your underlying positive motivation.
Even the most negative or unwanted behaviors actually have a positive underlying purpose. Think of the negative behavior that you selected as coming from a part that has a positive underlying motivation. This dramatic change of frame can liberate your creativity and motivation.However, set aside your first ideas as to these underlying motives.
Get into the “mind” of the part that is responsible for the behavior. This can provide insights that will make this pattern more powerful.
Step #4. Part Space
a. Imagine that there can be a space that is just for the part; a space that does not include the behavior and its context. We will call this the part space. Step out of the context space, taking this part with you to the part space. You might want to visualize this space as being next to the context space. Remember to leave the behavior and context behind. This leaves you with the part dissociated from the context, so that you may have an easier access to its underlying motives.
b. Now you will clarify the part’s motives with questions.
At times, speak as if you are the part, speaking in first person. This will help you get an associated experience of the part’s motives. When referring to the negative behavior, point to the previous (context) spot anchor as if it was an actual physical location. This helps you dis-identify from the prior behavior.
“What do I really want to get out of what I had been doing (referring to the negative behavior)?”
Note: the past perfect tense of “had been doing” helps you mentally distance from the behavior by making it seem to be in the distant past, and implying that you have changed already.
“How do I feel when that desired outcome does or does not occur?”
“When I get the desired outcome, what do I want to do with it?”
“When I get the undesirable parts of the outcome, how to I react to them?”
Typical reactions include: blaming others, rationalization, spacing out or ignoring it, manipulating others to escape the consequences, isolating, self-soothing such as comfort food, distractions, etc. Continue asking questions such as these until you feel that you have brought out responses that are valuable to you and your part.
c. Imagine yourself in the future, looking back upon the situation from a meta-state, at peace, fully able to enjoy the positive outcomes.
Step #5. Test.
In the coming days and weeks, notice any changes in your behavior when this kind of situation arises. Notice any ways that you are more resourceful or have more options.
Finding Positive Intention
Transform self sabotage into success. By discovering the positive intent behind a negative behavior or attitude, you can release tremendous energy and positive commitment. Other NLP patterns, such as The Parts Negotiation pattern as well as The Behavior Appreciation pattern, depend on this insight. In his outstanding book Sleight Of Mouth: The Magic Of Conversational Belief Change, master trainer and famous NLP developer Robert Dilts says: “At some level all behavior is (or at one time was) “positively intended.” It is or was perceived as appropriate given the context in which it was established, from the point of view of the person whose behavior it is. It is easier and more productive to respond to the intention rather than the expression of a problematic behavior.”
Step #1. Define the problem.
Step #2. Reveal the underlying motives.
Step #3. Get to the core motives.
Step #1. Define the problem.
Briefly state the problem with enough detail so that it is clear in your mind. It may primarily be a situation, personal problem, or a challenge. Focus on defining the unproductive behavior. Get clear on why the behavior is not useful.
Step #2. Reveal the Underlying Motives
Take a few moments to relax, breathe deeply and lay back. Now, go inside, imagine your mind has special internal messengers. In NLP, we call them “parts.” These are parts of your personality, which have characteristic tendencies or habitual behaviors. Find the part that is responsible for generating the unproductive behavior. Bring this part into awareness as though it was a complete personality. Remember that a part is an aspect of you. It is a collection of aligned motivations. A part is like a little personality inside of you. In order to be aligned and successful, you must not work at cross purposes with yourself. This requires negotiating or working with your parts. Now imagine that you can do a role playing game with this part. Ask the part what it wanted to have, do or become, through the negative behavior or attitude. What value or benefit was to come from this. Ask directly, “What did you wish for me to accomplish by doing this?”Take as much time as you need to imagine and listen to the part’s responses.
Step #3. Get to the core motives.
Keep asking “why” and “what” questions to clarify the motives. Recycle each answer into a new question. Continue this until you feel that you have gotten to the core motives. You should identify a core belief along with the core value and core reasons for the behaviors or attitudes that, at first glance, seem to be unsupportive of you.
Recognition Expression
Of course, it’s important for clients to know that you “get” them. But among the most important things for you to get are the most serious binds and traumas that they experience. When a client mentions something that is profoundly important such as that, you should draw upon your life experience and flash a sign of recognition that shows your client that it registered and that you are not judging them or becoming defensive in some way.
First, you must be on the lookout for these profound disclosures. Many times, a client will mention something without an emotional emphasis. Still, they are likely to look to see how you respond. If you missed the content, that look should signal you to tune into the profundity of what they just revealed. When you notice a profound disclosure, here are some excellent ingredients for your response:
1) Inhale while slightly extending your upper back and tilting your head up with your mouth part way open and eye brows slightly lifted.
2) Exhale fully. When half way exhaled, acknowledge this in a way that conveys an, “oh that…” quality. For example:
“Ah, attorneys…” or
“With years lost, right?” or
(slightly shaking head) “It’s just scary how many people are going through this now.” or my favorite: “Isn’t that some-thing?”
You don’t want to be dishonest, of course. If you really don’t know what the experience is about, convey how important it is to you to know more about what it involves and what impact it has had. Either way, you’ll probably need to be learning more about what the experience means to your client, as in how it colors their challenges of today.
E & E. P. Formation
How will you know when you have achieved your desired outcome? Be very specific about this. With these indications or clues (we call them “evidence”) in mind, you will be able to monitor your progress. Develop a procedure to ensure that you will detect the evidence as well as counter-evidence. We’ll call this an “evidence procedure.” For example, evidence in a learning situation is typically a test score. The evidence procedure would be the test design and the procedures for giving and grading the test.
Step #1. Determine the goals of the assessment.
Step #2. Note the purpose of the procedure.
Step #3. Define the evidence in a concrete way.
Step #4. Specify who is appropriate for establishing and continuing to carry out the procedure.
Step #5. Develop the timeframes and milestones that indicate progress.
Step #6. Specify what situations could be troublesome.
Step #7. Test.
Step #1. Determine the goals of the assessment.
Determine the goals of the assessment. (E.g., to determine how well the student has learned a topic.) State them in positive terms. (E.g., to establish a score and grade that accurately reflect the student’s level of learning.) Give examples of ideal performance. (E.g., 100%.)
Step #2. Note the purpose of the procedure.
What are its benefits? That is, why do you need the procedure? (E.g., students who learn Neuro Linguistic Programming concepts can communicate more effectively with other NLP practitioners, and they can learn from the literature and teachers more effectively.)
Step #3. Define the evidence in a concrete way
Define the evidence in a concrete way, for example, as observable behaviors and other outcomes. How will you know when you have achieved the goal? (E.g., students who achieve 85% are reasonably conversant with NLP, and fairly well prepared to benefit from teachers and the literature.)
Step #4. Specify what is appropriate for establishing and continuing to carry out the procedure.
Make sure that any instructions or training for the procedure are complete and understandable. (E.g., trainers with at least five years of successful practice with NLP and achieve at least a 90% score.)
Step #5. Develop the timeframes and milestones that indicate progress.
This can include the points at which progress should be assessed and when the goal is expected to be achieved. Indicate what your criteria are for each step you specify. (E.g., a weekly quiz will help us determine how well the student mastered the most recent lessons.)
Step #6. Specify what situations could be troublesome.
For example, what problems might come up for someone attempting to administer the evidence procedure?
This can include resistance and positive intentions that might give rise to resistance. (E.g., a trainer may have time management difficulties and forget to administer the quiz. A deeper look tells the trainer that he or she needs the ego boost that they get from teaching, so they unconsciously avoid the tedium of administering the test. It is a big change from how they did things when they weren’t affiliated with a grade-giving institution.)
Step #7. Test.
Establish times and responsibilities for evaluating the effectiveness of the testing, the teaching, and the materials used. (E.g., at the end of each quarter, trainers will review student satisfaction with an assessment instrument and a discussion. The trainers will review this at a quarterly staff meeting set aside for improving the program. It will include the opinions gathered from students as well as the opinions of all staff.)
May 23, 2014
Certainty / Uncertainty
May 16, 2014
Best Case Scenario / Worst Case Scenario
May 9, 2014
Optimist / Pessimist
May 2, 2014
Black & White / Continuum
April 25, 2014
Sensory / Intuitive
Shlomo Vaknin's Blog
- Shlomo Vaknin's profile
- 10 followers
