Shlomo Vaknin's Blog, page 4

Assertiveness

Assertiveness is a very important trait, yet people often fall into habits of being too passive or aggressive. These habits can be subconscious, and people often fail to realize how much they are losing and how many bad experiences come from poor assertiveness.

Analyze the non-assertive behavior.

Determine what the person does instead of asserting himself or herself in a specific situation. In addition to the behavior, uncover the chain of thoughts and other internal representations that take place prior to and during the non-assertive behavior. For verbal thoughts (self-talk), get a good sense of their position. For example, how much are their thoughts acting as a broadcast for someone else’s thoughts. And how much are they trying to preempt what other people might think? Dynamics such as these show problems with perceptual position misalignment. And this is a clue for you, by the way, to notice issues that you might want to handle with other patterns before continuing a process. 

As for the stronger sensory elements, look at sub-modalities as well. You are looking at what drives the person toward the non-assertive behavior. Do not just assume that the sub-modalities have to be from the known driver sub-modalities (size, location, etc.). It could be any type in any modality. Be thorough in your investigation of sub-modalities in this step, because that might determine the success of the whole procedure. 

Assess what stops the assertive behavior.

Notice any ways that an impulse to be assertive is stopped. One way to derive this is to simply mention two or three assertive behaviors that might apply to the situation. Then ask, “When you think of doing this, what happens?” The person is likely to describe a dominant rep system, such as the kinesthetic sense of feeling fear in their stomach, along with some thoughts. Help the person express these thoughts and develop them into specific beliefs such as, “If I asked for that, it would mean that I was a needy person. People like that are disgusting.” (Notice the nominalization regarding disgust. Who is disgusted, and why?) Clarify the ways that stopping assertiveness can be useful.

List ways the assertive behaviors can be useful.

Develop with the person a list of ways that one or more of the assertive behaviors can be useful. Make sure that this list appeals to the broadest possible spectrum of values that the person holds dear. Make sure that this includes as many selfish motives as possible, as well as any ways that the results of their assertive behavior would benefit any people or groups that the person feels are deserving. For example, if self care makes them more productive, they will be able to contribute more to the world in the long run. Also, their medical bills will be lower, so they can contribute more to their favorite cause. Be sure to include the pleasure of experiencing an assertive state that is free of guilt or other causes of shyness. As you are doing this step, be sure that you are using each element to foster a state of confident assertiveness in the person. 

Another issue to consider is morality and ethics. Your client might have other parts that object such a stream of thoughts, making oneself more important in one’s eyes. Allow these parts to speak up and use the Parts Negotiation pattern is needed to make sure they do not interrupt in the rest of this procedure. 

Expand the assertiveness state.

Bring the person’s attention to the ways they are beginning to experience an assertiveness state. This includes any rep system elements, including thoughts. Ask elicitation questions, such as—What do you see, hear, feel? Elicit sub-modalities as well, and maintain a high level of sensory acuity. Note which rep systems are most compelling, and of the thoughts, which values expressed by the thoughts are most compelling. Begin future pacing by, for example, asking the person to imagine carrying out assertive behavior buoyed by this state and fully expressing this state. What kind of posture, gestures and facial expressions would be expressed? 

Again, if you maintain a high level of sensory acuity, you would notice their posture, gestures and facial expressions and give them verbally as feedback to your client in order to prove that the process is already working. Include a fantasy of people reacting very normally and favorably to this behavior in order to reduce the fear and create positive expectations on the subconscious level. Since tone of voice is so important in assertiveness, have the person imagine the vocal tone, volume, and pacing that are likely to gain cooperation and make the assertive requests. Again, bring up the positive feelings that go with the assertive state and behavior. Be very supportive of these feelings, and help the person amplify them. Use the sub-modalities that were most influential on this specific client. 

Go through the timeline, generating examples of assertive behavior.

Have the person go through their timeline, thinking of many examples of assertive behavior. This includes any times that the person expressed an aspect of the assertive behavior. For example, they may feel badly about having said something meekly, but if they used the right words, have them focus on this very intently. The purpose of this is to modify the person’s self concept into that of an assertive person. This way they will have a greater expectation of being assertive, more permission to be assertive, and better competence at being assertive. They will also express assertive cues such as body language that set expectations in others. This will cause people to respond in ways that elicit more assertiveness in the person. 

Diminish the images of non-assertive behavior.

Bring the person’s awareness back to their images of not being assertive. These images may include memories and fears. Ask them to send those images behind the assertive images. Ask them to imbue the nonassertive images with the qualities of the assertive images. For example, if the assertive images have a more lively, colorful quality, have the person modify the nonassertive images to have that quality. Have them do the same with other modalities and sub-modalities, such as vocal tone and accompanying thoughts. Move unassertive feelings to the same location as the assertive feelings, and modify the unassertive feelings to match key aspects of the assertive feelings. Continue making these adjustments until the person feels very congruent with assertiveness, even though these unassertive elements were being processed. 

Future Pace.

Go back to future pacing, asking the person to imagine carrying out assertive behavior in various situations. Be sure that they bring the assertive state into the situation, and that their future images have the qualities of the assertive images that have been developed. Ask the person to give you feedback over the coming days or weeks about any changes in their behavior that have to do with assertiveness or anything else that they think is important.

Mirroring (method)

Enhance your ability to establish rapport and to model excellence. This technique builds a useful “second position” with another person. This skill is key in modeling others and for becoming intuitive in understanding the internal experiences of those you model. Here’s a quote about Mirroring and Rapport from the book NLP: The New Technology of Achievement, by NLP Comprehensive, Steve Andreas and Charles Faulkner:

“Fitting in is a powerful human need. We all have many examples of these behaviors, because we do them already. They are all based on some form of being similar, familiar or alike. Finding ways to be alike reduces our differences, and so we find the common ground upon which to base a relationship.” 

Select the subject.

Select someone for a conversation. Don’t tell them that you will be mirroring them.

Conduct the conversation while mirroring the person.

During the conversation, ask their opinions on various topics. Mirror their physiology, including factors such as the tenor and cadence of their speech, and body language such as gestures. Do this subtly. If you need help maintaining the dialog, use active listening. This involves showing that you understand what they are saying by rephrasing their contributions. Beginning with a phrase such as, “You mean…” or “So you’re saying…” As you mirror, add elements such as their breathing as much as possible. Notice how you feel as rapport between you two develops.

Exercise your rapport: Test your intuition and understanding of the person.

Test your ability to understand through rapport. Try out your intuitions about what they are saying. Can you guess their opinion before they express it? If you agree, try expressing the opinion yourself, and see how this affects rapport. If you express the opinion in a less certain manner, the person may gain pleasure from holding forth to reassure you that the opinion is correct, and demonstrate their mastery of the subject. This helps establish you as a positive anchor. Highly effective rapport can gain information about the other person that you can learn to pull out of your subconscious, making you feel as though you are psychic. This is very useful in modeling.

Exercise your influence by shifting your attitude and physiology.

Test your ability to influence others through rapport. Try shifting your attitude and physiology (e.g., breath pace, facial expression, and body language) in what you consider to be a desirable or possible direction. For example, shifting from a resentful or angry state gradually into a more constructive or powerful state. If you do this with some care, the other party is likely to shift with you. This has enormous value in areas such as sales, leadership and coaching. 

Explore these skills of “pacing and leading” in your relationships. Think of situations in which you could use these skills to improve your personal life or career performance. Notice what outcomes you get, and refine as you go.

Finding Positive Intention

Transform self sabotage into success. By discovering the positive intent behind a negative behavior or attitude, you can release tremendous energy and positive commitment. In his outstanding book Sleight Of Mouth: The Magic Of Conversational Belief Change, master trainer and famous NLP developer Robert Dilts says:

“At some level all behavior is (or at one time was) “positively intended.” It is or was perceived as appropriate given the context in which it was established, from the point of view of the person whose behavior it is. It is easier and more productive to respond to the intention rather than the expression of a problematic behavior.”

Define the problem. 

Briefly state the problem with enough detail so that it is clear in your mind. It may primarily be a situation, personal problem, or a challenge. Focus on defining the unproductive behavior. Get clear on why the behavior is not useful.

Reveal the Underlying Motives

Take a few moments to relax, breathe deeply and lay back. Now, go inside, imagine your mind has special internal messengers. In NLP, we call them “parts.” These are parts of your personality, which have characteristic tendencies or habitual behaviors. 

Find the part that is responsible for generating the unproductive behavior. Bring this part into awareness as though it was a complete personality. Remember that a part is an aspect of you. It is a collection of aligned motivations. 

A part is like a little personality inside of you. In order to be aligned and successful, you must not work at cross purposes with yourself. This requires negotiating or working with your parts. Now imagine that you can do a role playing game with this part. Ask the part what it wanted to have, do or become, through the negative behavior or attitude. What value or benefit was to come from this. Ask directly, “What did you wish for me to accomplish by doing this?”Take as much time as you need to imagine and listen to the part’s responses.

Get to the core motives.

Keep asking “why” and “what” questions to clarify the motives. Recycle each answer into a new question. Continue this until you feel that you have gotten to the core motives. You should identify a core belief along with the core value and core reasons for the behaviors or attitudes that, at first glance, seem to be unsupportive of you.

Illogical Thinking

In any coaching or therapy, momentum is very important. By momentum, we mean that a productive process is taking place at the correct tempo. Since NLP relies on state management, much of the time, and since states are dynamic processes, the pace of the steps in the intervention must be maintained. This key and basic move can allow you to move in a number of directions. It is an excellent set up for a reframe, for reprocessing, and as part of a hypnotic induction. In this pattern, we ask a simple question, “How do you know that you…” and guide the client into experiencing the sense modalities that make up their knowledge. This converts knowledge into something that can be questioned, added to, reformulated, deducted from, and made more dynamic.

It can help identify illogical thinking that the client can begin to question on their own, thus “owning” their experience with no incentive to resist the therapists “agenda.” It is an excellent gateway to body awareness patterns, because the senses are, well, senses. It helps the client become less attached to their mental narrative, acting somewhat like oil for a squeaky hinge. This is one of those sub-patterns that I mentioned in the introduction. It is a fragment of a larger, strategic series of moves. You’ll get some additional ideas about what to do with the results later in this section. 

Example I

Client: “I feel like such a complete loser.”

Therapist: “How do you know that?”

Client: “Well, it’s pretty clear when you have friends that…”

Therapist: “Wait, I mean, how do you know that you feel like a loser. How does it feel?”

Client: “Totally awful, I feel like giving up.”

Therapist: “Where do you feel that in your body? Where is the main center of that feeling, of the emotion or intensity?”

Client: “Well, really, it’s like my stomach is twisted up.”

Example II

Client: “I just can’t do it. I can’t face him, much less make any sense.”

Therapist: “As you think about doing that, or, I mean, not doing that, how do you feel if you were looking at him and trying to make sense?”

Saying “or, I mean, not doing that,” helps to forestall an objection such as, “But I can’t,” so you can maintain your momentum. Also notice the use of conjugations, mixing, “how do you feel,” an “if” phrase, and, “trying to make sense.”

Client: “I would shut down. I really hate him.”

Therapist: “So if you’re facing him and shut down, where is that feeling of being shut down? Where do you feel it mostly?”

Client: “All over. I just want to turn and go.”

Therapist: “So there is a motivation to action, to move, to escape. What is that like?”

Client: “Oh, well, I would probably feel panicked. Either that or start yelling at him.”

Therapist: “And where is the center of that feeling? Your heart? Your throat?”

Client: “It just moves right up through me from my heart.”

Linking Words

Erickson used words called conjunctions, words such as “and” in pacing and leading. He linked the pacing with the leading in a way that made it all seem to belong together, and this gave his leading commands a lot of impact. Consider this example. (The >> symbols set off the embedded commands.) “As you experience this training, and wonder how >>you will apply it successfully, you hear the sound of my voice providing the information so that >>you can enjoy mastery.” The pacing was that you experience this training, and that you wonder how successful you’ll be. 

This last bit about wondering can inspire a transderivational search for anything you are wondering and any ways that this training may make you feel challenged. 

Bringing up any doubts that you have about yourself and then embedding the command that “you will apply it successfully” is a mild anchor collapse as well as trance reinforcer. Nonetheless, the statement that “you are wondering” is also pacing your actual experience. 

Then I said, “You hear the sound of my voice providing the information.” which is still pacing. I finished with “so that you can enjoy mastery.” 

Giving the purpose of the information doesn’t seem like leading, but as you probably noticed, it is really a command to enjoy mastery. 

That is leading disguised as a simple statement about information.As you can tell, we are not only training you on a simple technique, but showing you how you can blend several techniques together. 

With experience, NLP practitioners’ skills become so multilayered that they rely on their subconscious minds to do most of the work. When they listen to transcripts of their own work, they can be surprised to hear how many techniques they are actually using at the same time. I say this because you can trust that this will happen for you as well. Remember that Milton Erickson had some very serious impairments, including pain and dyslexia, as well as delayed development because of polio. 

Meta-Model: Introduction

“But behavior in the human being is sometimes a defense, a way of concealing motives and thoughts, as language can be a way of hiding your thoughts and preventing communication.”

– Abraham Maslow

The NLP meta model of language creates questions that clear up deletions, generalizations, and distortions in speech. Done wrong, these are called violations of well-formed syntax. In grammar, syntax means the proper order of words in a sentence. In NLP, syntax means the proper laying out of concepts in speech. The NLP meta model is important for everyone to know, because these violations of well-formed syntax cause all sorts of problems, from everyday relationship problems to tremendous political problems. But by asking meta-model questions that clear up these violations, we also clear up our thinking. They also help us see when another person’s thinking is affected by these violations, so that we can be more in control of our own mental maps; our own sense of reality. With the meta-model, we are much less vulnerable to manipulation. Here is part of a speech with a lot of deletion:

Back in the day, they started our country so everybody could be free. Now everybody’s fighting and it could all go down the toilet. That was a little vague. Who started our country? Free in what way? What is the fight he’s talking about? What could all go down the toilet; what does that really mean? Now here’s that piece as written by Abraham Lincoln: Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth, upon this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived, and so dedicated, can long endure. Now that was a lot more specific. But let’s say that instead of a speech, it was a paper about constitutional law. When the word liberty came up, it would require a lot more explaining. What exactly is liberty, and for whom, and what are the circumstances? Needless to say, around the world, countless court cases, government documents, and materials from civil rights activists expand on the meaning of liberty every year.

The meta-model helps us analyze speech by showing us the difference between two kinds of structure: deep structure and surface structure. Surface structure is what you say, and deep structure is all that you know that is relevant. For example, if I say I can’t get a decent salad in this town, I might mean that the salads they serve are too high in calories. I might mean that I have only been to three restaurants in my neighborhood in order to form this opinion. That would be part of my deep structure. If you don’t know my deep structure, you might use your own. Let’s say my friend likes a salad with lots of croutons soaking of a lot of oily salad dressing, and plenty of chunks of cheese and bacon. My friend would send me to a restaurant with that kind of salad. I’d be horrified by all the calories and wonder what my friend could have been thinking. Well, if we had both used the meta-model, we would have figured out what each other was thinking. The whole thing would have been cleared up in a matter of seconds.

The other thing about deep structure is that, at its deepest, it is a collection of sensory representations that come together a lot like a chemical reaction. They bubble up and come together to form thoughts, opinions, and decisions. Then we put those thoughts, opinions and decisions into words. That’s when we have the surface structure. Those words cannot possibly contain all the impressions that led you to speak the words. This is why you must have habits, or strategies, for deleting, generalizing, and distorting them into something that you can say efficiently; something that will make sense and not take too long to say. People who are very manipulative will hide the deep structure in bad deletions, generalizations, and distortions in order to be manipulative. If someone wants their government to be based on their religion, but they know that would not be popular, they can delete the Bible and creationism, and distort it into something that sounds scientific, such as intelligent design. This way, they can pursue a religious agenda that gets ignored by some people. In the United States, high courts know how to ask meta-model-like questions in order to analyze legal arguments. When they did this in the case of intelligent design, they stopped certain schools from forcing their science teachers to say that intelligent design was science. The science teachers were very relieved to know that someone was paying attention and asking the right questions. If someone’s girlfriend starts accusing them of looking at other women, and becomes very jealous, meta-model questions may reveal that the girlfriend didn’t really have evidence, but her mind subconsciously collected some impressions that led to the jealousy. 

The deep structure may have really been a need to escape some internal pain and to get more attention. Accusing someone of something definitely gets their attention. Unfortunately, in addition to badly formed syntax, the accusation also creates attention that is not very rewarding, and may even stress the relationship to the breaking point.If the boyfriend uses the meta-model, the girlfriend may begin to see that she was really in need of something else. If the boyfriend knows Neuro Linguistic Programming, he will give her attention that does not reinforce her jealous behavior, but instead helps to create a constructive relationship. However, if the boyfriend does not have constructive strategies, and his deep structure references negative experiences, he may just get angry and act superior. Here, I’ll give you meta-model questions for all the major types of syntactic violations, that is, poorly formed syntax.

Mirroring: When NOT to Mirror or Match

There are things that you should not mirror. For example, if someone is getting aggressive and trying to be the alpha dog, you need to be more creative than just acting aggressive. However, if you show an aggressive attitude about something that the other person is judgmental about, this can form a very powerful bond, plus, it can be fun to shout.

If you are comfortable with your aggressive side, you can adopt a posture that reflects that you are basically an aggressive person, yet not display aggression toward the person. Adopt a quality that is more like you are both on the same team. This is a little bit like dealing with people who need attention very badly and don’t have very good emotional control, such as people with borderline personality disorder. 

Mirroring people with very intense needs is much more of an art form and not a good place to start practicing. If you need to, though, you can do mild mirroring of body language without giving the impression that you think your needs are greater than theirs. You can also, on the symbolic level, share the kinds of resentments and other things that the person tends to focus on. By staying within the world that they mentally live in, you do not alienate them by intimidating them with a larger world. 

These individuals can easily collapse into feeling very threatened or inferior, and this can cause them to go out of their way to undermine you. This can include something called triangulation, where they put other people against you. This can even include your boss, or legal authorities. Rapport is very important to use with these individuals, as well as being well-protected against any ways they might try to undermine you.

After you have general rapport-building skills, you will be ready to use them with people who have needs that are more intense than average, if you are so inclined. This is especially the area of psychotherapists, physicians, and other professionals who tend to deal with people in distress. For example, you will learn that once you can gain rapport, you can use this to lead people or alter their state in positive ways. The pattern or mirroring and changing the behavior of others is called pacing and leading.  With people who are suffering, you do not mirror their suffering, you just stick with mirroring the general physical and symbolic items that make them comfortable with you, so that they can feel okay about expressing themselves. If you feel some of the state they are in, that is enough to you to feel more empathy, and for them to know that you do. Some of your listeners, however, are already highly empathic, and can even be overwhelmed by others feelings. 

This can go two ways. You may find that mirroring is technical enough that it helps keep you from being overwhelmed or distracted by the other person’s feelings when they are in distress. On the other hand, if this is not so; if you still feel their emotions too strongly, then you have probably mirrored them so much that you induced their state in you too strongly. In that case, you will actually need to learn how to tone down your mirroring in at least some aspects, especially the physical aspects. Better yet, you can use NLP to find and change your strategy for feeling overwhelmed. You can start with what internal representations you have about the suffering of others. Nurses, therapists and social workers are often people who do a lot of subconscious mirroring without any training in it.

But what if someone catches you mimicking him or her?

If someone feels that you are mimicking him or her, they are probably aware of NLP and mirroring. If they seem uncomfortable or offended, the best response is typically to back off of the physical mirroring, but maintain the symbolic mirroring without getting carried away.

Mirroring: Exchanged Matches

Not all your mirroring has to use the same parts of the body, just as your symbolic mirroring does not necessarily use exactly the same words. For example, NLP teaches that you can make a motion such as finger taps that match the rhythm of the breath, rather than matching the breath timing with your breath. This is called an exchanged match. You are exchanging body parts, but matching the rhythm or other mirroring aspect. If you are a man and you’re matching a woman in front of you, avoid looking at her breasts, trying to figure out her breathing pattern! You will get caught, and using the excuse, “I was trying to match your breathing.” will not work in this case. Look at her shoulders instead; those tiny movements up and down will give you a hint of the breathing pattern she is using, and by applying exchanged matching you can move your leg or hand up and down accordingly.

You will be surprised to find out that in such a case of an exchanged match of a breathing pattern, if you increase the speed of your matched movement, their breathing becomes faster! And if you slow it down, their breathing also becomes deeper and slower. Have you noticed that sometimes when there’s an angry person yelling and making a fuss, someone will try to calm them down by moving their hands palms-down in a rhythmic motion, saying something like “Hey, slow down, it’s okay, we can find a solution to this problem.”

Mirroring: Symbolic

Notice how we have gone beyond physical mirroring to include things of symbolic value. This is symbolic mirroring, and the symbolic behavior is often subconscious behavior. And we have seen that you can combine symbolic and physical mirroring. This combination of symbolic and physical mirroring is very powerful. This same sales person probably has a wardrobe that is quite different for each area of the country that he visits.

There is an engineer who happens to have autism and who works in the cattle industry. She wears western clothes, complete with the trimming and pearl buttons. This helps her have rapport with the cattle industry people that she works with. Since she is autistic, it is important for her to do what she can to improve her rapport. But it is an odd idea, an autistic person in a western getup. Yet, this person became so good with rapport skills, that she was able to get the cattle industry to adopt a very stringent set of rules for the humane treatment of animals. Her name is Temple Grandin. She used her leverage with the McDonalds Corporation, which does business with so many of the vendors, as a powerful strategy for inducing change.

This is a person who knows how to create well-formed outcomes. As an engineer with an analytical mind, she got a head start on how to establish a well-formed outcome. Isn’t it interesting how she has serious weaknesses as well as powerful strengths. She chose to go with her strengths to create a career and even engage in transformational leadership. Anyone who saw her as a child, unable to speak for years, and throwing tantrums because of her frustrations, would never have predicted her success.We know of an individual who wanted to become more persuasive to conservative people. So he wrote a piece that expressed some of his liberal ideas, but using the same language as the conservatives.

The result was that some liberals became angry with him for writing conservative rubbish. That symbolic aspect of the words he used was more powerful than the actual meaning of the words. Never underestimate the power of subconscious symbols and how they play with rep systems. For practice in looking for subconscious symbols, look at advertisements. For example, when there is an ad for a drug on television, notice how the commercial changes when they talk about the possible side effects of the medication. Notice how the music, acting, body language, colors and other aspects change to make that portion less memorable. Notice how they give the impression that the drug is highly effective, whether it actually is or not. In one commercial, the main character is a cartoon of a bee with large eyes. During the part about side effects, his eyes get very droopy.

Mirroring: Behavioral

In behavioral mirroring, you match behaviors that have symbolic meaning. They are mostly subconscious. In fact, the more subconscious those are, the better they are to mirror. After all, no one can think you’re imitating him or her if you are imitating something they don’t know they’re doing, can they?

But what about being either masculine or feminine with the opposite sex? I mean, aren’t you supposed to be different? Doesn’t the opposite sex expect this? Well, yes and no. Remember, you are not completely giving up your actual personality. You are just adjusting certain things. Did you know that when men talk to women, many tend to use a somewhat higher voice? Apparently many people already do a certain amount of mirroring, whether they know it or not. It makes sense that we would evolve with some subconscious rapport-building instincts. After all, these abilities have contributed to our ability to survive and to procreate. We know that the brain’s neurons that are in charge of empathy and connecting with other feelings are called mirror neurons. Autistic people have difficulty with rapport building because they have less mirror neurons. Autistic people, who are high-functioning enough to be concerned about rapport-building, have to work extra hard at learning these skills because they are not as good with this kind of sensory acuity on an instinctual level. It has to start out as a much more conscious process. 

Getting back to the idea of how we are supposed to be different across genders, consider this. Let’s say a man is talking with a woman. She is a purchaser for a clothing company and the man is a sales rep for a textile mill. 

He picks up from her behavior that she has worked her way up, she did not get her job because she was a college graduate with an impressive grade point average. He also sees from her skin tone and her scent that, although she tries to hide it, she smokes. Her accent tells him that she is from a conservative and religious part of the country. She happens to make a couple comments that are a little judgmental about people, comments that tell you she feels that people who are different are that way because they want to be eccentric or difficult, or just irresponsible. This is not someone you admit to that you are taking antidepressants. The man matches her by displaying the qualities that she obviously respects, and mentioning items of personal history that match what she believes in.

For example, if he earned something through hard work, he casually mentions it. If he has a degree, he completely drops the big words and abstract ideas from his speech, except for ideas that he can communicate in a very plain way. She is from the south of the United States, and he knows that there is a literary tradition of commenting on things with dry humor, like Mark Twain did. He uses his humor in a plain but insightful and a little bit cynical way. His humor is at the expense of the rich, not the poor, and at the expense of marginal people, not regular people. If he is a church going, he drops a comment about his involvement. He may share things about going to visit family with his immediate family members so she knows he values family. Although he uses similar body movements, he does it with the kind of masculine quality that she expects, but in a gentle way that allows her to feel relaxed and connected. While he’s at it, he does the other physical mirroring that we have talked about, such as posture and breathing.