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Melissa: An Interview with Frank Page — Rainer on Leadership #007

Podcast Episode #007

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In today’s episode, I sit down with Frank Page to discuss his new book, Melissa, which chronicles his daughter’s suicide. When Frank decided to write a book about Melissa, he took the courageous path. There are no false platitudes in this book. No syrupy cover-up for the distinguished Page family. No holding back. The book delivers one hard punch after another. It details the day Melissa took her life. And Frank writes again and again about Melissa’s last words on that fateful day: “Daddy, I love you.”

You will hear his love for his daughter and the grief that he has experienced since her death. It is an honest, emotional response to what can only be described as every parent’s greatest fear.

After you listen to this interview, please read the book. Read it for your ministry. Read it for your family. Read it for yourself.

Perhaps a movement will grow from this book. Perhaps lives will be saved because we have a greater awareness and sensitivity to this darkness. Perhaps we will learn to love more deeply. Perhaps we will become more compassionate people.

Episode Sponsor

This week’s podcast is brought to you by the book Melissa: A Father’s Lessons from a Daughter’s Suicide. As you’ve heard today, it’s a story of finding beauty in ashes, a book of wisdom and hope, and a resource the church can use to directly address an all-too-real problem. Visit LifeWay.com or your local Christian bookstore to get your copy today.

Feedback

If you have a question you would like answered on the show, fill out the form on the podcast page here at ThomRainer.com. If we use your question, you’ll receive a free autographed copy of I Am a Church Member.

Resources Mentioned in this Episode

Melissa by Frank Page

Friday Is for Freebies – Melissa by Frank Page

First up in this week’s giveaway is a signed copy of my new book I Am a Church Member. Based on an idea originally taken from this blog, I Am a Church Member discusses the attitudes and responsibilities of church members. I address in detail what congregations should really be focusing on—praying for church leaders, being a functioning member, treasuring church membership, and more.

Six chapters with these titles include study questions to guide the discussion:

I Will Be a Unifying Church Member
I Will Not Let the Church Be About My Preferences and Desires
I Will Pray for My Church Leaders
I Will Lead My Family to Be Healthy Church Members
I Will Be a Functioning Member
I Will Treasure Church Membership as a Gift

Also included is Melissa: A Father’s Lessons from a Daughter’s Suicide by Frank Page, former president of the Southern Baptist Convention. In this book, Frank writes about the spiritual truths and biblical practices he learned and put into action following his daughter’s suicide. Page is hoping his story will help the church address this all-too-real problem.

As I wrote earlier in the week, perhaps a movement will grow from this book. Perhaps lives will be saved because we have a greater awareness and sensitivity to this darkness. Perhaps we will learn to love more deeply. Perhaps we will become more compassionate people. That is still my prayer.

To enter the giveaway, tell us if you could spend one hour with one character of the Bible (other than a person of the Trinity), who you would choose.

The deadline to enter is midnight CDT this Saturday. We will draw one winner from the entries on Monday morning.

By entering, you acknowledge and accept the terms of the promotion.

Notable Voices – May 30, 2013

New Pastors, Change, and Churches that Resist — Sam Rainer

Last week, Sam explored the reasons people resist change. In part two, he discusses how to make necessary changes once any initial resistance has been resolved.

 

Three Essentials in Healthy Kids and Student Ministries — Eric Geiger

Training up the next generation is one of the most important tasks a church has. That’s why it’s imperative to have healthy kids and student ministries. Eric shares three qualities that are essential for healthy family ministries.

 

Platform: Great Risk or Great Reward — Jonathan Howe

Jonathan explores the difference between attitudinal platform building and tactical platform building. Selfish ambition driven from platform building is a very real danger for any Christian blogger or speaker, and something we all must protect against.

 

How to Lead When You’re Not in Charge — HBR

Many employees want to be leaders and have the skills to do great things but lack the position to influence or enact change. In these instances, they still have the opportunity to mobilize others and accomplish amazing things. The article helps show how that’s possible.

 

10 Churches I Won’t Serve as Interim Pastor — Lavern Brown

Itinerate and interim ministers are important for churches in transition. I have served many local churches in this capacity. Lavern provides some helpful cautions for what types of churches to be wary of when considering serving as an interim.

 

10 Ways to Be a Great Employee — Brad Lomenick

Brad lists 10 points to help you be a better employee, partner, or peer in your organization.

Why Every Pastor Should Read about Melissa’s Suicide

The words seem cliché in some ways: “It’s a parent’s greatest fear.” But they are not cliché. They are real. And haunting.

Frank and Dayle Page had the “perfect” family. Or so it seemed to many of us on the outside looking in. Frank had pastored a megachurch. He had been elected president of the Southern Baptist Convention, the nation’s largest Protestant denomination. Even today he serves as president and chief executive officer of the administrative offices of the denomination. And he has three lovely daughters.

But one of those daughters, Melissa, was troubled most of her life. She was spunky and compassionate at the same time, but her life was dominated by problems and depression.

Melissa took her own life. As a young adult lady, Melissa committed suicide.

A Courageous Story

Frank Page decided to write a book about Melissa. He took the courageous path. There are no false platitudes in this book. No syrupy cover-up for the distinguished Page family. No holding back. The book delivers one hard punch after another. It details the day Melissa took her life. And Frank writes again and again about Melissa’s last words on that fateful day: “Daddy, I love you.”

He writes it because he wants to remember her love for him. He writes it as if he can grab the words and snatch Melissa back to life. He writes it with both gratitude and deep pain.

Frank told me that he wrote this book out of selfishness; he said he wrote it for his own therapeutic needs.

I don’t buy it.

Certainly there was a therapeutic value for him to write the book, but there is no hint of selfishness. It took deep courage to write this book.

Taking Down the Façade

Many of us in vocational ministry want to try to fool our churches and the world. We want to act like our home has no problems. We never fight with our spouses. Our children are the embodiment of angelic beings. We are never tempted. We have no sin issues in our lives.

And we certainly don’t have family members who are depressed, and perhaps, suicidal.

Frank Page takes down the façade. He lets us see a real family with real problems, with real struggles, and real hurts. It’s a family not that much different than all of ours. It’s a Christian family in a fallen world.

Why You Should Read This Book

I wish every Christian leader in America would read this book. Frankly, I wish every Christian would read this book. It is one of the most powerful books I have ever read. I read the entire 200 pages in one sitting. I could not stop. I did take occasional breaks to wipe tears from my eyes. And I did take a few other breaks to pray. But I couldn’t put the book down.

You need to read this book. You really do.

You need to hear the story behind suicide. We recently were shocked and saddened to hear about Rick Warren’s son’s suicidal death. We were reminded again that depression and suicide could come to any family. Your family. My family.

You need to understand some of the issues behind depression and suicide so you can more effectively minister to others. Indeed, you may find yourself using the book to minister to your own family.

I also pray that this book will get into the hands of thousands of persons who are contemplating suicide. Frank writes a series of letters to those who are struggling to the point where they may take their own lives.

You should also read this book to see how a Christian leader courageously allows others to see the real world of a messy family. We all, to some degree, have messy families. But we are often too prideful to admit it.

Be a Part of a Movement

On Friday, May 31, 2013, we will publish the podcast interview I recorded with Frank Page on this blog. Please take less than 30 minutes to listen. You really do need to do so for your own ministry and, perhaps, for your own family.

Then get the book. It’s called Melissa: A Father’s Lessons from a Daughter’s Suicide. Read it for your ministry. Read it for your family. Read it for yourself.

Perhaps a movement will grow from this book. Perhaps lives will be saved because we have a greater awareness and sensitivity to this darkness. Perhaps we will learn to love more deeply. Perhaps we will become more compassionate people.

On one weary occasion, Frank Page was asked how many children he had. Because he was so tired of explaining where the third child was, he conveniently omitted Melissa.

As soon as he did, he had deep grief and remorse. He had denied his firstborn, his third daughter. He vowed never to leave out Melissa again. Yes, she had committed suicide, but she was a believer. Frank has no doubt where she is today. He will never deny her existence again.

Melissa lives for us too. Her story, told by her father, is one of the most incredible tomes I’ve ever read.

Thank you, Frank. Thank you Frank and Dayle Page. Thank you for your courage. Thank you for your love of your family. And thank you for giving life to Melissa.

May her story give life to many more.

How to Pray Evangelistically

By Chuck Lawless

Three years before my father passed away, he turned to Christ for salvation. It was amazing, actually.  My dad had quite a temper prior to his conversion. My childhood memories of his displays of anger still echo in my mind. Though my grandmother was a strong believer, Dad never showed interest in Christianity. In fact, he first believed that many routes lead to God; “we’re just following different paths,” he told me.

We prayed for more than 30 years that Dad would become a believer.  Then, it happened. Dad called my little brother to say he wanted to talk about following Jesus . . . right then! God so transformed my father that we spent the final years of his life getting to know a new man. He was a trophy of God’s grace, an undeniable example of 2 Corinthians 5:17a—“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation” (HCSB). God graciously answered our prayers.

Are you praying for non-Christians to turn to Christ? In my book, Serving in Your Church Prayer Ministry, I describe a simple way to pray evangelistically by praying the acronym, “GOD’S HEART.” I’m grateful to my friend Chris Schofield, whose writings about prayer first helped me to think about this kind of process.

Maybe this pattern will help you as you pray evangelistically for others:

G =     Pray believers, beginning with yourself, will appreciate God’s grace. When we really appreciate what God has done for us, we naturally want to tell others about Him. That’s why new believers are often most willing to do evangelism—their salvation is so fresh they almost can’t avoid telling the story.  We stop evangelizing when we take grace for granted.

O =    Pray for believers to live in obedience to God. We can’t change another person’s heart. Only God can do that, as He did in response to our prayers for my dad. If we’re not walking in obedience to God, though, our disobedience hinders our prayers (Isa. 59:1-2). Abiding in Christ really does matter when we pray (John 15:7).

D’ =   Pray believers will decide to tell others. Evangelism doesn’t just happen. Telling the story of Jesus is a choice . . . an action . . . a decision. Too many Christians know they should do evangelism, but decide not to do it. Pray that won’t happen.

S =     Pray that believers will speak the gospel fearlessly and clearly. In fact, that’s the way Paul taught us to pray in Ephesians 6:19-20 and Colossians 4:2-4. If Paul – the apostle extraordinaire – needed others praying for him to do evangelism, how much more do we need that kind of support?

H =     Pray for nonbelievers to have a receptive heart to the gospel. Apart from Christ, all people are dead in their sin (Eph. 2:1), held under the devil’s sway (Acts 26:18). Only God can make our hearts open to the good news.

E =     Pray their spiritual eyes will be opened. Non-believers are blinded to the truth of the gospel (2 Cor. 4:3-4), and the “god of this age” does all he can to keep them in   darkness. Nothing we do apart from the power of God can open their blinded minds.

A =     Pray they will have God’s attitude toward sin. Understanding God’s remedy for sin begins with understanding our sickness. We’re all sinners (Rom. 3:23), and we must see our sin as God sees it – as wrong against a holy God.

R =     Pray non-believers will repent and believe. The message of Christ is clear: we must turn from our sin and trust Christ for salvation (Mark 1:15). God gets the glory as He frees nonbelievers from the domain of darkness (Col. 1:13).

T =     Pray their lives will be transformed. Only God can change a man like He changed my dad. Here’s the good news, though – He’s still doing that! When God does that, the non-believing world takes note.

Who is praying for you to speak the gospel boldly and clearly? Are you praying for other believers to be evangelistic? Are you praying for non-believers? Are you asking God to save and transform a specific person?

Tell us how we might pray for you and others. Even if you’ve been praying for someone for many years, don’t give up. God still responds to the prayers of His people.  That’s His heart.

 Chuck Lawless currently serves as Professor of Evangelism and Missions and Dean of Graduate Studies at Southeastern Seminary.

You can connect with Dr. Lawless on both Twitter and Facebook.

Twelve Ways Pastors Went from Burnout to Vision

There are few vocations that can engender burnout like the pastorate. The demands on a pastor’s time, emotions, and energy can be overwhelming. When I was a pastor, I often felt at least the symptoms of burnout.

I recently spoke with 17 pastors who had experienced burnout, or who felt they came precariously close to burnout. The good news about these pastors is that they moved out of burnout; and now they are re-engaging in exciting and visionary ministries.

So I asked them the obvious question. What did you do to reverse the dark spiral of burnout? The question was open-ended, so they could respond with as many answers as they desired. When it was all said and done, I tabulated twelve different responses from the 17 pastors. Obviously, many of them gave similar answers.

Here are the twelve responses ranked in order of frequency. Each answer has a representative quote from one of the pastors.

Spent more time in prayer and the Word. “Slowly over time, I spent less and less time in the Bible and in prayer. I succumbed to the tyranny of the urgent. When I committed to reversing that pattern, my life and leadership began to renew.”
Dreamed again. “When I first arrived at this church, I had great visions and excitement. But I got caught up in negativity and trivial things, and I lost my vision. But recently I asked God to restore my dream and vision for my church, and He’s already answering that prayer.”
Stopped comparing. “One of the most freeing things of my ministry was to stop comparing myself to other pastors, and my church to other churches. I finally got it that God doesn’t love pastors of larger churches more than He loves me.”
Developed relationships with non-Christians. “I got so busy doing church that I started neglecting engaging people in the world. Now I make certain that I’m in some type of ongoing relationship with a non-Christian.”
Moved my focus from the negative to the positive. “I don’t know why I let the critics dominate my time and thoughts. When I stopped letting them control me, and when I started spending more time with positive and great people in the church, my entire emotional state improved dramatically.”
Learned to have fun. “I realized that there is a difference between taking my ministry seriously and taking myself too seriously. I have learned to lighten up and laugh more. As a result, I find myself rejoicing in the Lord more.”
Ended draining relationships. “There was this church member that made an appointment with me almost every week. He was so negative and so draining of my emotional energy. I knew he had his own emotional problems, but I knew I wasn’t equipped to deal with them. When I finally got the courage to end our counseling relationship and refer him to a professional, I felt like a weight had been lifted off me.”
Expressed gratitude regularly. “One of the ways I dealt with my impending burnout was to commit to handwrite five letters of gratitude a week. It was amazing to see how my vision began to restore when I took the focus off me and expressed gratitude to others.”
Spent more time doing things that energized me. “I tend to be a prideful person, so I don’t like to admit that I am not very good at something. Well, I’m a poor administrator, so administrative work drains me. When I finally got the courage to admit I wasn’t very good at it, I had a lay volunteer step right in and take much of the work off me. He told me that everyone knew I was a lousy administrator, and that he was thankful I finally admitted it. I am now spending time doing those things that I enjoy and give me energy.”
Got in better physical shape. “In my busyness, I started eating more, exercising less, and sleeping fitfully. I stayed tired and depressed. But when I got into an exercise routine and ate better, my whole outlook changed.”
Made a commitment to have a greater servant spirit. “I had trouble admitting that I had an ego problem. I always wanted things my way. God got to me and showed me that my calling in life is to serve others. It is absolutely amazing to see my leadership passion restored as I put myself last to the needs of others.”
Began to pray for my community. “Burnout can be the result of looking inwardly too much. I asked God to give me a greater vision for our church’s community. Shortly after I prayed that prayer, I became burdened for the elementary school near our church. Now I’m praying for specific direction to serve the school. I know God will answer that prayer as well.”

How about you? Have you experienced burnout or near burnout in ministry? What steps did you take? Do you identify with these twelve steps taken by other pastors?

Pray for First Baptist Church Moore

Location: Moore, Oklahoma

Pastor: Dr. Kevin Clarkson

Worship Times: 9:30 AM & 11:00 AM (Central Time)

Fast Facts: The state of Oklahoma was once again battered by severe weather this week. Our nation was heartbroken as we watched the devastation caused by tornadoes in Shawnee, Edmond, Little Axe, and of course, the town of Moore.

First Baptist Church Moore is serving as the command center for the Oklahoma Baptist Disaster Relief teams in the aftermath of the tornado that destroyed a large part of their town on Monday, May 20. Relief efforts include cleanup and recovery, a mobile kitchen and feeding units, chainsaw teams to help clear trees and debris, and providing chaplains to minister to those in need.

The church has also been designated as a shelter for those who lost their homes during the storm. Please pray for Dr. Clarkson and the members of First Baptist Moore as they minister to and serve their community during this time of recovery and healing.

Website: www.fbcmoore.org

“Pray for . . .” is the Sunday blog series at ThomRainer.com. We encourage you to pray for these churches noted every Sunday. Please feel free to comment that you are praying as well.

Seven (Plus One) Deadly Sins of a Church Website

Allow me to begin with a couple of negative comments.

Most church leaders don’t grasp the value of a website to get guests to their churches to hear the gospel.

Most church websites are terrible.

I just finished looking at over 100 websites from a variety of churches of a variety of sizes. I am not an expert in either design or technology, so my primary purpose was to look at the sites from the perspective of a person considering visiting the church. Forgive my judgmental words, but I was not impressed with most of the sites.

I do not have confirmation of these statistics, so I am hesitant to put them in writing. Nevertheless, the unconfirmed numbers indicate that between 75% and 90% of potential guests to your church will first look at the church’s website before making a final decision to attend.

Did you get that? As many as nine out of ten prospective guests will get their first impression of your church based on what they see when they go to the church website. That’s huge! It may be the most overlooked outreach tool we have. The church that minimizes the value of its website is the church that is missing many opportunities to reach people.

Certainly the website should have features for the members, but it’s the guests who are often overlooked. Allow me to share the greatest omissions on the websites; what I humorously call the seven deadly sins.

The website is dated in both design and content. You are communicating an uncaring attitude and a sloppy approach to ministry.
The website was built cheaply and looks like it. From a ministry perspective, the church is missing many opportunities. From a stewardship perspective, one guest who becomes a member will pay for the cost of a good site. Though some web designers and builders are too expensive, it makes absolutely no sense to try to get by with a cheap-looking site.
The service times are either hard to find or non-existent. This information is probably the first information a guest tries to find. If the times are not clear and apparent, you probably have already lost the guest.
The physical address of the church is either hard to find or non-existent. Most of your guests will likely put the address in their GPS system. They won’t be seeking your church in the Yellow Pages. You are probably missing out on the majority of your guests if you don’t have a clearly marked physical address.
Not enough information on childcare. You’ve lost your young families with this omission.
Minimal information on your staff. Guests want to know as much as possible about the staff of the church. The best sites I’ve seen include personal statements from the staff along with their photos.
No place to listen to recent sermons. A number of your prospective guests will listen to an entire sermon before deciding to visit. They may assume that you are not very proud of the preaching ministry of the church if you don’t have podcasts easily available.

(Plus One). In recent years, more prospective guests have wanted to know the basic beliefs of the church. If you don’t have a statement of faith on the website, you will miss out on some of your more discerning guests.

For the last twenty-five years, the worship service has been declared to be the front door of the church. If we are to keep the metaphor consistent, the website is now the foyer. Guests may never make it through the front door if you have a lousy website.

I sense that many church leaders are underestimating the value of a great website. It should be a mandatory investment of all churches at a reasonable price. And the price is too great to pay if your church does not have a website.

How good is your church’s website? What are many sites lacking? What would you change on many of these sites, including your own?

Can a Dying Church Find Life? — Rainer on Leadership #006

Podcast Episode #006

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In last week’s podcast episode on An Autopsy of a Deceased Church, we examined what had led to the death of a church I had previously consulted. But the story doesn’t end there. In this week’s episode, we look at six steps to turning around a church that is either dying or not growing. Once again, three themes emerged:

Leadership
Humility/Selflessness
Returning the Focus to God and the Community

Listener questions this week:

From Shawn – How do you lead congragents that have not been exposed to the leadership qualities that you have recommended? I know that it does not happen overnight; however, we are talking about a rethinking on everyone’s part.

From Michael – How do you lead a church to become healthy when they have been unhealthy for so many years.

Episode Sponsor

This week’s podcast is brought to you by Ministry Grid. At MinistryGrid.com you’ll find more than 1,000 video sessions on topics, ranging from parking ministry to polity, with more added continually. You can even upload your own content, turn off unwanted content, and put your church’s own logo and colors on the site. An intuitive Learning Management System makes assigning courses and tracking progress a snap. It’s training made simple. For more information and to get three months free, visit ministrygrid.com.

Feedback

If you have a question you would like answered on the show, fill out the form on the podcast page here at ThomRainer.com. If we use your question, you’ll receive a free autographed copy of I Am a Church Member.

Resources Mentioned in this Episode

I Am a Church Member by Thom Rainer
MinistryGrid.com
Breakout Churches by Thom Rainer
Good to Great by Jim Collins
Eating the Elephant: Leading the Established Church to Growth by Thom Rainer

Friday Is for Freebies: I Am a Church Member and Christian Leadership Essentials

First up in this week’s giveaway is a signed copy of my new book I Am a Church Member. Based on an idea originally taken from this blog, I Am a Church Member discusses the attitudes and responsibilities of church members. I address in detail what congregations should really be focusing on—praying for church leaders, being a functioning member, treasuring church membership, and more.

Six chapters with these titles include study questions to guide the discussion:

I Will Be a Unifying Church Member
I Will Not Let the Church Be About My Preferences and Desires
I Will Pray for My Church Leaders
I Will Lead My Family to Be Healthy Church Members
I Will Be a Functioning Member
I Will Treasure Church Membership as a Gift

Also included this week is David Dockery’s book Christian Leadership Essentials. It contains a great wealth of tried and true insights on the distinctive methods of leading Christian organizations and institutions. No matter how much experience a faith-based leader may already have, there are plenty of fresh thoughts and indispensable guiding principles here on topics including finance and budget planning, mission and vision, employee relations, theological foundations, mentoring, crisis management, and more.

To enter the giveaway, tell us what your vacation plans are for the summer.

The deadline to enter is midnight CDT this Saturday. We will draw one winner from the entries on Monday morning.

By entering, you acknowledge and accept the terms of the promotion.