Aaron Frale's Blog, page 28

The True Winners of Election Day 2012

“Madam President, all the people that made fun of you in high school are hiding in North Korea and we suggest you take swift action. No pun intended.”

Here is the official Won’t Change the World predictions for today:

President – Taylor Swift – Not only did she release a new album near election time but probably more people listened to it than will end up voting in the election. At least we’ll finally have our first woman president.

US Senate – Jerry Seinfeld will be the clear winner in this election. Considering he spent the entire nineties on a tv show about nothing. He can spend the entire tweens in government that does nothing.

US Representative – Ice T. Though he’ll actually do something. He’ll use his badass street smarts to play the playas, and take care of business. Ain’t no shit going down while Ice T is on the beat.

Minimum Wage Increase – The real joke is that with the wage increase, basic human services such as healthcare will still be priced out of people’s reach.

New Mexico Senate – That local guy who was in a movie. You know… that guy. In the movie. Everyone knows about him. He’s all famous. He was in the same room when Billy Bob Thorton walked into the scene. That’s like super famous.

New Mexico Representative – We are not sure. We have representatives? When did that happen?

10 Ways to Keep Your Child Safe from Sexual Predators

While children are in no greater risk from sexual predators on Halloween than any other day of the year, better safe than sorry. Here are some tips to avoid sexual predators this Halloween.

1. Rig your kid with explosive paint dye. Use that dye they put in fake bills for bank robberies.

2. Adopt Newt Gringrich as your child. Ain’t nobody touching that shit!

3. Dress your child like the abusive family member that sent the sexual predator on his path of crime.

4. Those kids would sure be safe if those fake guns were real!

5. Hire a ninja to watch your child.

6. Since children being hit by a car is the only safety issue that statistically increases on Halloween, drive erratically down the road. The creeps won’t get your child if you hit them with a car.

7. Offer yourself instead.

8. Don’t let your child do anything. Ever. Just ignore the fact that crime rates have been dropping since the nineties and use paranoia to dictate your child’s life.

9. If you see a street full of kids but they all seem to disappear at one house, don’t let your kids stop at that house.

10. Hire a dwarf actor to trick-or-treat with your kids. Nothing turns off the sexual predators more than facial hair.

3 Freakin’ Ghost Stories

Welcome my fellow readers to a cliché so terrible that you will die of fright, have a  brain embolism, projectile vomit poop from your mouth, and perhaps tinkle. Just a little tinkle. Like a wee bit of wee. The kind that leaves a little dot on your pants but you don’t change the pants. The dot will dry. Just sit really close to your keyboard. Your boss will probably just think you are working hard.

Boss: That Jenkins sure does work hard.

Lackey: He only seems to do it after he pees.

Boss: Hmmmm….. I think we have something here.

The next day during the meeting:

The employees are forced to drink water.

Boss: Drink it! Drink it!

Employee: I’ve had eight.

Boss: Drink it or you are fired.

Employee drinks while crying.

Yes, horror stories happen at work all the time ladies and gentleman. Are there really any gentleman anymore? Isn’t the new sexy some guy named Rex with fifteen tattoos and has killed at least three dozen people?

Rex mows down five-hundred henchman with a machine gun, fist fights the boss, and eventually impales a super ninja cyborg with a meat hook. There is a hot babe with revealing torn clothing waiting for him.

Babe: That’s all hot. Let’s fuck.

She tries to run to him across a blood splatter and he halts her. He takes off his coat and places it on the blood.

Rex: Milady, you shall sully your feet if you advance any further. Prechance, might I entice you to a stroll around the garden?

Babe: You want to smoke some weed?

Rex: Dear heavens no! Sound body and mind. Daily calisthenics! But soft! From what light through yonder window breaks-

Babe: Are you on drugs? I don’t want no man on drugs!

Rex: Wait! Perhaps I may sing praises of your beauty!

Babe: I am out of here.

Rex begins to prep his vocal chords.

A good crypt keeper, grave digger, vampire, night watchman, creepy butler, guy in front of a fireplace, BLAM!

We have fired the host. Literally. Because bad puns about death are in every pulp Halloween special! Enjoy the last Freakin’ Ghost Story.

Ghost: Finally! These aren’t really ghost stories. I am appalled and angry. I plan to write an angry letter about this injustice to all ghost kind. Unfortunately, I don’t have any corporeal hands so it’s hard to write the letter. But I have used automatic writing before. Though only to mess with the living. I give them dire predictions, like the day the governor will be shot and then laugh my ass off when nothing happens. One time, I convinced this girl that in order to lay my spirit to rest, she needed to jump in a well. It was freakin’ funny! The living are completely clueless. You just need to crawl funny, turn your head, and maybe vomit some blood for effect and they shit themselves. Try this: Go to a medium and tell their client that the father they are trying to contact is disappointed with them. It’s a riot. Ghosts get so much crap in movies. Like we have nothing to do but kill people. Do you think we’d want to add another undead resident to our house? I like living alone! Imagine if I had to share the place with another ghost! They’d eat the crap that I buy from the fridge. I hate that. After a day of spooking the living, I want to just enjoy a sandwich but all the bread is gone. Don’t get me started on the beer.

We hope these make you pee. Happy Halloween!

12 Awful Halloween Theme Parties

Liven up those cliches so with a whole new tradition!

Halloween is a great way to let loose and dress like you normally wouldn’t in real life. So why take it to such an extreme that your friends never talk to you again? Here are some ways to terrify guests of your party this Halloween.

1. Ku Klux Kegger – Racially motivated hate crimes won’t be the story to tell after this party.

2. Mathenanny – A hootenanny is a party of musicians. Why not a party of solving complex differential equations?

3. Boxing Retirement Home Social – Start a Fight Club with your elderly friends. Remember the rule about having to fight on their first time?

4. Used Gym Sock Hop – The guests have to wear them… no exceptions.

5. Exchange Urine Jars with a Hobo Party - Nothing says party like hobo urine.

6. Dancing with the Stars’… dead bodies… except no joke. See who freaks out first when they realize – it’s not make-up.

7.  Litigation Luau – Create a bunch of unsafe party conditions and invite civil lawyers.

8. Free Meth Fiesta – Add more spice to any social occasion with tweaking meth addicts.

9. Binder of Women Binge – Yep…

10. Boy Band Blowout – Invite every thirteen-year-old girl over then tell them the latest boy band sensation of the week died in a plane crash. Invent beverages from their tears.

11. Cary Elwes Carnival – Trust me… the idea is more exciting than the party.

12. Bickering Sibling Ball – Make sure that you have a lot of party games and award unequal prizes.

10 Ways to Escape Jury Duty

Here are some fun ways to get out of jury duty… and probably spend some time in prison.

1. Claim that you are an alien observer from the nearest life supporting star system. When they remove you from court, threaten to write “unremarkable” on your report.

2. Tell them you are from a terrorist cell and that you hope find new recruits.

3. Exclaim that you have civic duty in your pants and everybody is invited.

4. Use snide remarks, “Boring! When do we get to sell our story to US Today?”

5. Play cell phone games. Hide at least five spare phones on your person.

6. If male, tell them you are only here to pick up chicks. Bonus if the judge is female.

7. If female, tell them you only want marry a man on death row. Flirt with defendant.

8. Complain when the cast of Law & Order aren’t the attorneys. Insist that you will only answer questions from Mariska Hargitay.

9. Make disbelief noises during every witness testimony.

10. Sell drugs. Claim “it makes these things go way faster.”

25 Ways to Get Kicked Out of Europe

Don’t urinate on it…

My wife and I are finally going to our 2 year late honeymoon in Berlin. Ideas that Won’t Change the World will be on hold while I am there. As luck would have it, we are going back again to Europe in 2013 with her family because they found this amazing deal for a week in Ireland. What better way for me to celebrate two years of international travel than with a post 25 Ways to Get Kicked Out of Europe. See you all when I get back or kicked out…

1. Try to rebuild the Berlin wall. Insist that it’s for the public good.

2. Write a food column that scores every dish from France really low and scores every McDonald’s value meal really high.

3. Pantless Travel. On second thought… probably not a bad idea.

4. Get really angry when people don’t speak to you in “American”.

5. Insist there is only one true football.

6. Invade Poland.

7. Urinate on great works of art.

8. Attempt to reclaim Rome. Explain that you are a decedent of Caesar. Cite your “fine Roman nose” as proof.

9. Try to scalp tickets to “front row” seats for physician assisted suicide in Zurich.

10. The sex offender run after the bulls.

11. Tell everyone you meet in Ireland just how British they are.

12. Travel Eastern Europe in search of vampires. Make sure to clarify that you are looking for economic vampires devaluing the strength of the Euro.

13. Tell the British to stop rewriting American television shows.

14. Ask customs if you need to declare illegal gun, drug, and terrorism trade.

15. Keep insisting “this is how they do it in America.”

16. Walk into every store and proclaim loudly, “I can’t believe they have _________________ here!”

17. Urinate on public officials.

18. Explain the Iraq war as the “first step in world domination and we are coming for you next.” Then do the eye thing.

19. National tackle an Interpol agent day is only respected in America.

20. Tell the English they got their national anthem wrong and the words are “amber waves of grain and shit.”

21. Urinate on any building over 300 years old.

22. Claim that you are a time traveling secret police agent from the Eastern Block. Well up in tears when they explain the fall of communism and say that you must tighten security in the past.

23. The cliffs in Croatia? You made them. Take ownership!

24. Go from city to city and ask if this is the place where you can shoot up and they won’t arrest you. Do it regardless of the answer.

25. Urinate on people in the park. Claim you thought they were homeless.

I’ll be a Dentist and a Success!

I went to the dentist today after having ten years of no insurance. I found out that in those ten years of not seeing a dentist, I have ten cavities and need four teeth pulled. So if America was like the rest of the civilized world and had universal healthcare here is what I would have cost:

20 cleanings at $100 a piece = 2000 dollars.

However, with privatized healthcare that left me uninsured for so long I will now cost the system:

$3,000 for just the cavities alone and I’ll need to wait a year because my insurance will be maxed. Plus the cost of surgery for the teeth pulling.

With universal healthcare, I would cost less and have a higher quality of life. With private healthcare, I will cost more and probably have to wait years to get everything fixed.

Yep.

America: Land of the Greed

I went to the dentist today after having ten years of no insurance. I found out that in those ten years of not seeing a dentist, I have ten cavities and need four teeth pulled. So if America was like the rest of the civilized world and had universal healthcare here is what I would have cost:

20 cleanings at $100 a piece = 2000 dollars.

However, with privatized healthcare that left me uninsured for so long I will now cost the system:

$3,000 for just the cavities alone and I’ll need to wait a year because my insurance will be maxed. Plus the cost of surgery for the teeth pulling.

With universal healthcare, I would cost less and have a higher quality of life. With private healthcare, I will cost more and probably have to wait years to get everything fixed.

America… Fuck yeah.

The Tacos Are Nigh

The bible tells us that the world will end. The bible also tells us that if someone rapes our daughters, the rapist can marry them if they pay off the father. But let’s ignore the fact that the bible can be wrong on some occasions and assume the world will end. One of the signs of the apocalypse is the rivers turning to blood. China’s Yangtze river turned red. Thus, I have pretty solid proof of the apocalypse.

 If you still are not convinced of the final days of Earth. I also have some solid irrefutable proof. Take this passage prophesized by ancient mystics who possessed the gift of sight:

These words were found on a form of communication used in ancient times called “a billboard”.

These words of wisdom are everywhere. They’re on billboards, TV ads, and even fast food restaurants. Any good conspiracy writer knows that seeing a pattern more than twice means global cabal or something at the very least diabolical. Conspiracies must be at the very heart of society to be worth anything. But what could the soothsayers be saying when they ask us to think outside the bun? Just what is “the bun” anyway? Because I am really qualified in paranoia, I will do all the thinking for you. Fret not! So long as you read my blog and my theories, you’ll never have to think for yourself again.

In today’s fast paced on the go society, critical thinking seems like it takes too much time. You have important things to accomplish - like sharing that god awful Rebecca Black video with your co-workers every Friday. You also have that bus to catch. And why think on the bus? Your phone has 365 days worth of music. Thinking is hard and kind of a waste of time when there are blogs to do it for you. Besides, maybe Rebecca Black will release a new song about Mondays. Wouldn’t that cheer up the dull office? Your co-workers will really appreciate-

BLAM!

We apologize for the inconvenience. The narrator has been shot and out sourced to another country were the employees learned English in a two week on the job training course: 

Conspiracy bun thinking outside of. Taking into account thinking. Hard working but we apologize. Free month credit to account. Bun thinking very out of-

BLAM!

We apologize for the interruption again. The country destabilized in a military coup. Though we will provide better service because the new dictator has no concept of civil rights will pay highly skilled workers pennies on the dollar. Enjoy!

What does “think outside the bun” mean anyway? The Earth is very obviously a bun. You can tell by when a celiac touches the ground, they die. Because the Earth is a giant bun, there must be some sort of meat product in the center. Since no one is eating the meat product, it must be rotting and turning the rivers red!

The soothsayers were warning us! They were telling us to think outside the bun because the planet is rotting! If the planet were fries, then we’d be safe because fries never decompose. Ever notice how when you find a fry in your car seat, it looks brand new even though you lost it years ago?

Meat decomposes. In fact, when I was in high school, I used to drive a minivan (Shut up! My parents weren’t rich. It was a hand me down). So needless to say, I was always the driver among my friends. One summer, my friends and I decided to treat ourselves to a steak house. One of my friends ordered a rare steak. The steak was still mooing. He only ate half of it.

Months later, when I was cleaning out my minivan, I found tinfoil under the seat. Not really thinking that there could be biohazard material in there, I decided to see what was inside. My teenage years were in Albuquerque. 100 degree summers… Yep… Let’s just say I was lucky I didn’t become the first victim of what was a fundamentally a new life form.

[image error]Now think about how global warming comes into play. The meat in the planet’s bun is over heating. Disaster is fairly nigh. The ancients told us to think outside the bun because they want us to get off the planet before it starts to smell! I strongly urge you to write letters to your governments. Tell them we need a Taco Bell in space! It’s the only thing that will save the planet. Don’t worry, I have plan to build it. Bruce Willis and a rag tag group of brave adventurers can construct it while I collect that Taco Bell celebrity endorsement check… um I mean. DOOOM! DOOOOM! DOOOOOOOOM! Write those letters.

15 Ways to get More Voters

Typical voter turn out for polling places without fully stocked bars.

More Americans should vote. The team at Ideas That Won’t Change the World (by team I mean me) have generated a slew of  methods to ensure this election has an unprecedented voter turn out.

1. Threaten to execute small puppies if people don’t vote. Though this tactic will skew an election to the Democrats.

2. Threaten to take away the guns of everyone who doesn’t vote. Though this tactic will skew an election to the Republicans.

3. Threaten to kill Justin Bieber if people don’t vote. Though this tactic will skew an election to the 13-year-old girl party.

4. Make sure that voting causes cancer and sponsor it with iconic images of cowboys and cartoon Llamas.

Testosterone Man: After a tough day of rounding up bulls with my fist, I relax with a cool, refreshing vote. Oh god…

Larry Llama: What?

Testosterone Man: My lungs are disintegrating…

Testosterone Man dies.

Larry Llama: Sucks to be you! Hey ladies, I’m a sex symbol that votes.

Lady: Dating a llama human hybrid is kind of creepy.

Camel Joe: Saweet! Back in the game. Hey ladies…

Lady: A camel man is kind of creepy too.

An overweight man dressed as a Furry eating Cheetos enters.

Lady: Now that’s hot baby!

5. Three words: Happy Ending Voting.

6. Offer free dates from dating reality TV show rejects.

Jenna: Why doesn’t he love ME? WE’VE KNOWN EACH FOR TWO DAYS! HE SHOULD LOVE ME! WHERE IS MY RING!

Dude: Um… I’m just here to vote…

7. Ritalin infused ice cream for the kids.

8. Count the Facebook “like” button as votes.

9. If you vote, you can take a b-rated celebrity home.

Voter: Man, I got Steven Baldwin last year.

10. Pro-wrestlers and large breasted women should give the lectures on civic duty.

11. Pick fights on message boards. Insist that people who don’t vote are so GAY. Insult their manhood. Because those tactics work!

12. Since it’s a well known fact that more Americans vote in American Idol than the Presidential election, hold American Idol style elections. The judges will be Noam Chomsky, Michael Moore, and Rush Limbaugh.

Rush Limbaugh: I hate you.

Michael Moore: I hate you.

Rush Limbaugh: I hate you.

Michael Moore: I hate you.

Rush Limbaugh: I hate you.

Michael Moore: I hate you.

Noam Chomsky: Guys, guys, can’t we all just get along?

Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh touch fists.

Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh: Extremist political ideology active! Form of Rhetoric!

Michael Moore turns into Fahrenheit 911. Rush Limbaugh turns into The Way Things Ought to Be.

13. Allow internet porn sites to be a voting venue.

14. Turn voting into a Ponzi scheme.

15. The best way to encourage people to vote: Beer.