Aaron Frale's Blog, page 23

DRUNK.

My friends made a comedy film:

You can get the DVD here.

Desert during the Day of the Dead

The amazing cover art of my story.

The next morning Maria woke with a gasp. Her head pounded from drinking a bottle of wine all by herself. She scrambled off the couch and knocked her wine glass to the floor. She was lucky it didn’t shatter. It must have been sleeping on the couch with her. She must have finished the wine because there was nothing but a red stain in the bottom of the glass. She didn’t quite remember falling asleep. She remembered staring out the window waiting for the spirits to come and eat the feast. Her nerves threatened to constrict her throat. Last night was Day of the Dead. She slowly turned her head to confirm her worst fear. It was true. She had fallen asleep with makeup on her face! Now the cheap Halloween sludge was smudged all over her grandmother’s couch! She was such an idiot. She stumbled out of the living room into the kitchen. “Crap. Crap!” she cursed.

She caught a glance of her face in the mirror. The once beautiful makeup job was now a complete mess on her face. She looked less like a Day of the Dead celebrant and more like a drunken Halloween date. But there was no time to fix her face. Her family would murder her if they found out she ruined the couch. Everything in this house was precious or at least so she thought. In reality, her uncle would probably sell as much as he could on Craigslist after the family picked through the belongings. It was sad really, her grandmother’s last belongings picked away by estate sale shoppers.

She grabbed a mess of Kirkland Signature paper towels. As a child, she always thought Kirkland products were from Kirtland Air Force base in Albuquerque. Her mom laughed and told her about the “t” in Kirtland and about far-off city of Kirkland, Washington, home of Costco. Her uncle bought her a giant Costco-sized package of paper towels when she first decided to stay in her grandmother’s ramshackle house. Not that she would use that many during her sojourn in the desert. Her uncle was kind of lazy unlike his sister, Maria’s mom, who was so driven and passionate to the point of being a little too intense sometimes. Maria definitely inherited some of her father’s ability to be okay with doing nothing whereas Mom couldn’t sit still. Maria gathered a giant wad of paper towels. She doused them with cold water following her mother’s advice about getting rid of stains.

She brought the still dripping pile of paper towels into the living room when she screamed and dropped the slopping mess. The food on the porch was gone. There was an empty wine glass and a tipped over wine bottle. The burrito, the green chile, and everything else was gone! She carefully made her way to the front door. Even though the morning sun was bright in the sky, she walked like she was in a horror movie discovering a dead body. She wanted desperately to see her grandmother last night. She knew her grandmother was dead. She knew there was no magic in the desert. It was just a fantasy.

She pushed open the front door. If she had been in an actual horror movie, she should have a gun or a frying pan but Maria wasn’t thinking. In fact, her eyes welled up as she surveyed the feast. It was really gone. Every last morsel had been eaten. There was no food left on the table. Maria up righted the empty wine bottle. There was a red stain in the bottom of the glass. Maria’s knees buckled. She slumped to the ground and began to cry.

To read the whole story download the free kindle version here.

10 Uses for Halloween Makeup

I’m here about the job for Spider Queen. What do you mean it’s already filled?

Ever notice how those Halloween makeup kits give you enough makeup for the entire cast of Cats the musical? You are only going to use it for one night. So here are some post-Halloween makeup uses:

1. Rob a bank – Who doesn’t need extra holiday cash? And why don’t we have super villain teams who spend more time on their coordinated makeup than planning the robbery? Either way, you won’t have to tell Timmy he doesn’t get Christmas presents because you spent it all on Halloween candy this year.

2. Smear on face and take revenge – Every person who is out for revenge always seems to smear stuff on their face. Rumpelstiltskin smeared black claw marks. Rambo caked stuff on his face. Braveheart is a blue-faced killing machine. If you are going to go on some epic revenge quest, don’t forget the face paint.

3. Teach class – All you teacher’s out there who are bored, you have options that don’t involve cooking Meth. You can paint your face and take on a wacky personality. If the students reject the ploy, then pull out a gun and start acting really disturbed. That will get their attention and a learning student is one that is paying attention.

4. Wear black face – I know this is completely racist and offensive. But what if you really were black underneath the black face? That will get them thinking! Because obscure performance art always gets people thinking.

5. Wicked Witch of Savings and Loans – Let’s face it. Bankers really can’t have any fun. People take money way too seriously. What if you cackled loudly like a witch every time you denied a loan. That would add some spice to the workplace.

6. Data from Star Trek – Everyone will completely understand why you are socially awkward and lonely when you are dressed like Data. Most androids have trouble fitting into society norms, especially at Taco Bell. When you twitch your head and ask if the Baja Blast will cause problems with your circuitry, the clerk will totally know what you are going through because who hasn’t wanted to be an android traveling on a star ship in the distant future?

7. Tourist Information Guy – Who needs Siri or Google when Tourist Information Guy is on the job? Looking for a place to eat? Tourist Information Guy will save the day. Wondering when the museum will close? Tourist Information Guy has brochures! Smuggling a balloon of heroin in your butt? Tourist Information Guy isn’t really comfortable with this.

8. Hospital Creepy Guy – Walk around as the Grimm Reaper and point to random patients. Throw in a deep guttural “you!” for good measure. Insist you are only doing it to help patients come to terms with their own mortality. When they tell you the patient only had a skinned knee, tell them you never know when something will become infected.

9 Bowling Alley Goth – True Story: I was playing a Goth kid with face paint during a stage play. The cast decided to go bowling. The only bowling alley that was opened late night was the musty, old, wood-paneled, redneck singles club where a gun rack in the pickup would be a requirement for membership. I forgot to wash the makeup off and arrived about 15 minutes before the rest of the cast did.

10. Cultist Prankster – Join a cult. Then during the ritual sacrifice make farting noises. Insist to fellow cult members you are more of a self sexual abuser. Make punching and crying noises at night. Replace all doctrine documents with copies of The Secret. Tip off the FBI and plan a stand-off at Chuck E Cheese.

Halloween and the Knights of the Round Table

            With Halloween around the corner, you should be scared and shit. If you aren’t scared, then here is a tale to chill your boner and your bones too!

Narrator: It was a dark and stormy knight named Josh. He was the long lost cousin of Lancelot. Most people thought he was a cheese dick but there was some mild depression and sarcasm in him as well. So King Arthur came unto Josh and Lancelot and said:

Medieval painting titled: Bitch rollin’ up on my Bling

King Arthur: Yo! Yo! Arthur in da house! Let’s get some fly bitches in this hizzy. We need to drink from pimpin’ goblets n’ shit. You drink malt liquor from the holy grail! Ain’t no way you go home alone. Know what I mean?

Lancelot: I don’t know what you mean. I understood probably only 1/3 of what you said. You see I fight for truth, justice, the ability for old ladies to walk their dogs safely at night, children having the same educational opportunities, pancake Sundays-

Josh: Dude, he wants us to find the holy grail.

King Arthur: Yo, this dawg knows the what what.

Lancelot: I shall perform your task with honor, dignity, a head held high looking towards the rising sun to symbolize a new day…

Josh: Fuck… I hate my family.

Narrator: Meanwhile Dracula, the Wolf Man, the Mummy, and Edward from the Twilight series were making plans of their own in Dracula’s living room. He has one of those 3D TVs. I’m personally waiting for holodecks. You probably won’t ever see me leave. Unless they don’t have a self cleaning cycle.

Edward: Yo! Yo! Edward in da house! Let’s get some fly bitches-

The Wolf Man beheads Edward.

Dracula: We are not scary anymore.

The mummy is smoking weed.

Mummy: Bro… I want some Doritos.

Dracula: I’m serious. We used to scare the shit out of little kids. Now they sell cheap knock-offs of us at Spencer’s.

Wolf Man: You’re right. People say I look all fake especially when you compare me to those young werewolf studs. But it hurts man. Do I tell a chick with eyeliner that makes her look like she has an eye infection that she looks fake?

Mummy: If I make a joint with my wrappings, would I get even higher than a normal joint?

Dracula: We need to do something about this.

Wolf Man: We can murder children!

Dracula: That’s good but then we’d have to let Hitler over.

Hitler is knocking on the door to Dracula’s castle.

Hitler: Hello? I brought Apples to Apples! I took out the dead Jew child cards so it’s fair this time.

Back in Dracula’s living room:

Mummy: Dude… bro… let’s pee in the holy grail.

Dracula: Shut up!

Wolf Man: Wait!  I think he has something.

Dracula: This is the stupidest idea-

Wolf Man: It’s brilliant. Christians get butt hurt when you make fun of their religion.

Mummy: Yeah man! They like make their kids afraid of Harry Potter and gay people and shit. They’ll make their kids afraid of us!

Dracula: Isn’t Harry Potter gay?

Wolf Man: He married a woman.

Dracula: So do plenty of people in the closet. You think he was so broken up over Cedric because Cedric was a solid competitor?

Mummy: I always thought he gave up Cho too easily…

Wolf Man: Shut up! He’s not gay. Let’s go pee in the grail.

Medieval painting titled: Harry Potter’s Homoerotic Dream

Narrator: So what if I’ve been drinking! Ummm… welcome back to our tale… of shit and stuff… you know I was second to play Obi Won Kenobi? But that asshole Sir Alec Guinness took the part. He didn’t even like playing Kenobi! I would have appreciated it. Instead, I play crap parts… in community theatre…

Dracula: Sorry folks… Our story continues when the knights find the grail….

Josh and Lancelot stumble in, covered in blood and muck. 

Lancelot: Traveling the four corners of the earth is a knight’s task. If you are too much of a squire, then you may…

Josh: Squire?

Lancelot: An unknightly title.

Josh: Why not pussy or bitch?

Lancelot: And heed the words of the patriarchy! I am a feminist.

Josh: You are a dude with a broadsword and armour that is covered in blood most of the time.

Lancelot: But my heart hath a feminine side. I hath feelings.

Josh: Really?

Lancelot: I’ve adopted a puppy.

Josh: To fight along-side you?

Lancelot: Mr. HowlingFluff will never see combat.

Josh: Ok… ok…

The neatly dressed Galahad walks in with the holy grail.

Lancelot: Galahad! Mighty knight of honor and value!

Josh: You found it!

Galahad: Yep.

Josh: Dude, we have being questing for years, how did you find it?

Galahad: Spencer’s.

Josh: Spencer’s. You mean we’ve been traveling the globe fighting bandits, evil warlords, and mythical beasts. And you fucking buy it at Spencer’s?

Galahad: Yeah bro, it’s near the pornographic greeting cards.

Lancelot: The card with the perfect man…hehe… because he’s cardboard…hoho… makes me laugh…haha… every time…haha…hehe…

Wolf Man jumps out, kills Galahad, and takes the grail! Josh and Lancelot pull out their swords.

Wolf Man: I got it!

Josh: Dude, whoa! Who are you?

Wolf Man: I am the Wolf Man.

Josh: Is that a mask? It looks fake.

Wolf Man: Hey, fuck you.

Dracula: Good! We pee in the grail now?

Lancelot: You pee in the cup of god! Have at thee!

Medieval painting titled: Best Joint Ever

Josh: Whoa! Whoa! Wait… You are here to pee in the cup?

Wolf Man: Yeah… what’s it to you?

Josh: I think I can purpose a mutually beneficial solution…

A long stick pokes the narrator awake.

Narrator: Huh? What? So that’s how Josh became known as the cheese dick Knight. Arthur never could get the taste of urine washed from his mouth so he created a round table. That way he could sit at a different part of the table each time. Lancelot and Josh went to work for Spencer’s so they could get a discount on quest items. The Wolf Man married Dracula after Wolfie got over his homophobia. And the mummy smoked himself.

The Government Shutdown

Day 1 - The government shut down today and unfortunately, I was still inside when it happened. My name is Russell and I’m a low level paperwork pusher. You figure in 2013 where you can pay for Starbucks with a smart phone the government wouldn’t really need paperwork, much less the shear volume I deal with on a daily basis. But this journal isn’t about my job. It’s about how I’m stuck in a shut down building. All the exits are locked. The security cameras are running but I’m pretty sure the guy hired to watch them is furloughed. My cell service is government issue. They obviously saved $70 on a monthly plan. If we cancel 165 billion cell phone plans, we’ll be able to fix the debt and maybe I can go home. Supposedly, even a cell phone without a plan can dial emergency services but I think the towers are government issue as well as the landlines-even the internet is down. I wonder how close we are on that debt?

Coffee was a tradition at my work. It’s interesting how I didn’t really notice the social aspect to coffee. I felt alone when I sat down with a cup of coffee in an empty break room.

Day 2 – You figure somebody would have been by to check on me. But I’m assuming anyone who would come has been furloughed. Luckily enough, the power and the water come from the city or else there would be some smelly trashcans. I’ve calculated 242 mugs of coffee with cream and sweetener (anywhere from white sugar to green stevia). 563 mugs of hot water cream and sweetener and 712 mugs of hot water and sweetener before I run out of hot beverages. Though each of those numbers should be reduced by 1/3 because I usually have two mugs in the morning and one in the afternoon. Did I mention I am really good with numbers? Between the leftovers in the break room fridge, a food wheel (AKA Wheel of Death), candy machine, and soda machine, I probably only have a few days of real food, and probably two weeks of sugar disguised as food. Hopefully, the Affordable Health Care Act will cover my early onset diabetes.

Day 3 – I’m bored. At first, this was kind of fun. I was alone and free to explore. I pretty much had access to the first two floors, half of the third, and part of the basement. On every floor, there was the occasional locked door. I spent the second day digging through co-worker’s desks. I found some dirty little secrets. Ted spent money on flowers and gifts. The gifts were delivered to a woman who wasn’t his wife. My boss was skimming money from the government. She had expenses listed for office equipment but no actual office equipment. The cute girl who worked three cubicles down had a hunky boyfriend. And to think of all conversations I wasted. There should be some rule to identify such important information early in the flirting process. And Gerald, he is exactly as boring as you think he is. No secrets.

This was three cubicles down’s desk. I assumed the landscape pictures and calendar ready for 2014 was because she was adventurous, but when I found the picture of her and her boyfriend in the desk drawer, I had to question. Was it escape?

Day 4 – I decided that four days was enough to be excused of a destruction of government property charge. I probably would have been excused much earlier but I always played it on the safe side. For example, three cubicles down: Boyfriends didn’t deter most guys but it deterred me. I figured if someone cheated to be with me, it would only be a matter of time before they cheated on me with someone else. I’d rather enter into a relationship with a clean slate. Of course, my last relationship didn’t end with a clean slate but there was no reason to jinx it from the beginning. But I digress; I tried to break the windows in the lobby today. But they are tough. I smashed everything from a chair to the laser printer I could barely carry much less throw. I felt like I was in some sort of bizarre modern highland games. The printer shattered and the window held.

Day 5 - I am fairly sure the government won’t be back up anytime soon. So I’ve decided to ration the food. However, the coffee would last well beyond the food so I’ve actually increased my intake of caffeine. I wonder if drinking more coffee is causing me to be so anxious. I’m betting it’s being trapped in a building for five fucking days. The windows are sturdy. I’ve tried to bust out all of the exterior ones with no luck. So instead I wrote “trapped” on all the windows hoping somebody would swing by. There is no interior roof access. I was even desperate enough to set fire to my boss’s office. It was strangely satisfying as she was a micromanager. At any rate, I figured it would help her with the embezzlement wrap by destroying the evidence. I thought the flame would have the added bonus of starting the fire suppression system. Instead, it burned and filled the second floor with smoke. Apparently, the fire sprinklers were furloughed. Luckily, the building was solid concrete, glass, and metal. I slammed the door to her office and the lack of oxygen eventually choked the fire out. For now, I am sticking to the ground floor tonight. The smell alone makes me want to throw up.

Day 6 – I missed my parents. They lived out of state and I didn’t really talk to them much. But when I did, they seemed to make my troubles disappear. They got me through my last break up. At least enough to attempt speaking terms with three cubicles down. But I never really did talk with my folks otherwise. It wasn’t that I disliked them, I was living my life. I’d go to work. Play some online games, maybe stream some television shows and repeat the process. I didn’t really have IRL friends-only the occasional party here and there. I invested so much into my last relationship. I didn’t really know what to do when I was on my own again. Once my parents convinced me that the world hadn’t ended, I didn’t call them back for the last few months. I didn’t know why. Things were going well. I wish I called my parents more often. They would come looking for me.

The Wheel of Death is on the left. It was installed because people complained about not having healthy options. The “healthy options” turned out to be fruit doused in corn syrup and some “veggie” snacks with more cheese than carrot.

Day 7 – I was drawing larger lettering for the word “trapped” in the lobby after my morning coffee when I saw the first person who wasn’t a photograph in somebody’s office or on a hard drive. I almost missed him because I thought that I was delusional. But he was real. The parking lot was empty and the trees were just beginning to turn. I took the bus to work the day I was trapped or else they would have seen my scooter and… This is embarrassing… but I am trapped because I nodded off on the toilet. I had an argument with my ex the night before all this happened. So I ate an entire bag of chips and a bottle of hot salsa from New Mexico. They take their heat seriously in New Mexico. I also drank two bottles of cheap wine. The kind with sulfates. Turns out the chips had gluten. I’m gluten intolerant. Gluten won’t kill me, it just causes digestive issues. So anyways, it was a trifecta of stomach ick and kept me awake much too late for a work night. Sleep deprivation and scooters are dangerous, especially when most people in my city drive pick-ups. So I played it safe and took the bus. Whoever closed shop on the first day locked me inside. If I only risked the scooter ride… Anyways, the parking lot had a lot of leaves because of the lack of gardening. In the middle of a swirl of leaves, a man stood in the parking lot. He wore a long black overcoat, a baseball hat, and a pair of sunglasses. He stared expressionless at the building. I screamed and pounded on the glass. I slammed the chair and office equipment but he did not see me. Or least he didn’t change his expression. While I dug through the receptionist’s desk for an object to make some noise, he disappeared. The parking lot was empty except for the leaves dancing in the wind.

To continue reading, please download the free kindle edition by clicking here.

7 Reasons to Support the Government Shutdown

When I said shut it all down, I was meaning something different…

People are going crazy about the government shut down like it will be a bad thing but I always like to stay positive. So here are some good things about the government shut down:

1. All those families with seventeen children who use up food stamps will just die off when their EBT cards fail. They may not eat for a whole month. I am pretty sure if you don’t feed people for a month, they’ll die. So that means we’ll save a whole bunch of money when all the food stamp people die out. Of course, they could always eat their children during the shut down. But at any rate, it will be less mouths to feed. And less mouths to feed equals savings.

2. Those silly government organizations like the forestry service and the national parks will shut down. It’s about time we get some fracking and some civilization out in those forest places. It’s so hard to find a McDonald’s in Yosemite.  It’s no wonder why hikers die, I bet they wouldn’t die as much if they had access to a Starbucks for every mile of trailhead.

Billion dollar research for this guy’s boobs.

3. Finally, an excuse to bury those stupid science places like NASA and Los Alamos. They spend way too much money on things that may not even exist like dark matter and Higgs bosoms. Higgs is an old dude and his breasts are probably not that attractive. The Large Hadron Collider cost a billion dollars to find the Higgs Bosom. We spent all this money on researching a dude’s boobs? Come on! I could find much cheaper boobs in a porno shop!

4. We can totally shut down the education department. People can attend Full Sail University instead of education. All you need is a degree in chemistry. Then you can figure out how to make the blue Meth. Hell, you probably don’t even need a degree in chemistry, you can just watch Breaking Bad on Netflix. What you really need is a mastery of body chemistry from all the chicks that will be up on you when you get the bling after the blue Meth sales start rolling in. Anyone have a RV for sale?

5. Hopefully, they’ll shut down the police departments too. Then the sales from number 4 will really start rolling in. We can switch to the honor based system of policing. So when serial killers go on rampages, we’ll trust that they will turn themselves in. And we can use the leftover food stamps from the people who ate their children as incentive. I’m sure all the criminals will turn themselves in when they are offered free food stamps.

6. If we are getting rid of police, we may as well shut down all emergency services. The more buildings that burn down, people with medical problems who die, and so forth will lighten the burden on the already strained system. With all the fires and chaos, we should shave most of our population who are on disability. Anyone who’s left won’t be able to survive against roaming street gangs.

7. With the government shut down and most of the population dead, we totally won’t have regulation on our cars. So we can rig them up Mad Max style. Crazy people with mohawks can jump from moving vehicles to moving vehicles in post apocalyptic fist fights with no government telling them what to do! I bet Tina Turner will still rule Bartertown if we ask her nicely. I call dibs on the midget riding the giant gimp.

A much more cost effective form of government.

7 Reasons to Support the Government Shut Down

When I said shut it all down, I was meaning something different…

People are going crazy about the government shut down like it will be a bad thing but I always like to stay positive. So here are some good things about the government shut down:

1. All those families with seventeen children who use up food stamps will just die off when their EBT cards fail. They may not eat for a whole month. I am pretty sure if you don’t feed people for a month, they’ll die. So that means we’ll save a whole bunch of money when all the food stamp people die out. Of course, they could always eat their children during the shut down. But at any rate, it will be less mouths to feed. And less mouths to feed equals savings.

2. Those silly government organizations like the forestry service and the national parks will shut down. It’s about time we get some fracking and some civilization out in those forest places. It’s so hard to find a McDonald’s in Yosemite.  It’s no wonder why hikers die, I bet they wouldn’t die as much if they had access to a Starbucks for every mile of trailhead.

Billion dollar research for this guy’s boobs.

3. Finally, an excuse to bury those stupid science places like NASA and Los Alamos. They spend way too much money on things that may not even exist like dark matter and Higgs bosoms. Higgs is an old dude and his breasts are probably not that attractive. The Large Hadron Collider cost a billion dollars to find the Higgs Bosom. We spent all this money on researching a dude’s boobs? Come on! I could find much cheaper boobs in a porno shop!

4. We can totally shut down the education department. People can attend Full Sail University instead of education. All you need is a degree in chemistry. Then you can figure out how to make the blue Meth. Hell, you probably don’t even need a degree in chemistry, you can just watch Breaking Bad on Netflix. What you really need is a mastery of body chemistry from all the chicks that will be up on you when you get the bling after the blue Meth sales start rolling in. Anyone have a RV for sale?

5. Hopefully, they’ll shut down the police departments too. Then the sales from number 4 will really start rolling in. We can switch to the honor based system of policing. So when serial killers go on rampages, we’ll trust that they will turn themselves in. And we can use the leftover food stamps from the people who ate their children as incentive. I’m sure all the criminals will turn themselves in when they are offered free food stamps.

6. If we are getting rid of police, we may as well shut down all emergency services. The more buildings that burn down, people with medical problems who die, and so forth will lighten the burden on the already strained system. With all the fires and chaos, we should shave most of our population who are on disability. Anyone who’s left won’t be able to survive against roaming street gangs.

7. With the government shut down and most of the population dead, we totally won’t have regulation on our cars. So we can rig them up Mad Max style. Crazy people with mohawks can jump from moving vehicles to moving vehicles in post apocalyptic fist fights with no government telling them what to do! I bet Tina Turner will still rule Bartertown if we ask her nicely. I call dibs on the midget riding the giant gimp.

A much more cost effective form of government.

10 Flawed Commandments

Welcome to post 200! I wanted to do something big in celebration of my 200th post. Since my most popular post to date was about reasons the rapture would good for those of us left on Earth, I thought a post poking fun at religion would be appropriate to ring in the 200’s. Hopefully, I’ll have religious fanatics picketing this blog or at very least offend some people who use God as their defense for being an asshole. For all you that are not assholes and also religious, remember that I believe there is nothing inherently wrong with religion. However, there are flawed people and those people are the ones who fuck it up for everyone else. So to paraphrase Jesus, “don’t be an asshole” and enjoy the post:

1. Don’t Worship Other Gods – Aside from the fact that it’s a really dick move to say you can’t have any friends but God, he really knew what he was doing with this one. Imagine the pay cut God would take if people had to tithe to many gods.

God: Have you given ten percent?

Rich Asshole: More like 4%. Shiva and Poseidon take a cut!

God: I should be your only god!

Rich Asshole: Shiva destroys my competition and Poseidon keeps the shipping lanes clear. If I didn’t give many gods a cut, I wouldn’t be making half the money I make.

God: You think this crystal kingdom is cheap? You are killing me here!

Rich Asshole: So if I killed some hookers in my life time, could I give 10% and still get into heaven?

God: Done. I think I see a need for some commandments.

2. No False Idols – This probably was the most sensible one of the ten. So take down those Justin Bieber and One Direction posters. They make god angry.

God: That’s right. Fuck those guys.

3. Don’t Take God’s Name in Vain – The problem with this one is that no one really knows god’s name anymore. So phrase’s like “god dammit” technically don’t break any rules.

A student is typing. His computer says “network error”.

Student: God dammit. I hate this computer.

God: I shall strike thee down with great fiery vengeance.

The computer burns with holy fire.

Student: Dude! What the hell man? I need that! Finals are this week!

God: But you told me to damn it!

Student: It was an expression. Like Zeus Dammit. Maybe I can salvage the hard drive…

Lighting crackles and strikes the husk of the computer.

Zeus: Someone order a lightning bolt?

Student: Fuck!

Thor smashes it with a hammer.

Thor: I smash when people say fuck. It’s what I do.

Student: All of you gods get the fuck out of here.

God: We are really going to need to clarify this name in vain thing. I’m stick of false house calls…

4. Remember the Sabbath – The first four are pretty silly in the context of anything other than religion. Imagine if McDonald’s didn’t want you to go anywhere else? You shall worship Ronald! Throw away all your Burger King hats. You will not say anything bad about the food. And get Happy Meals every Sunday! But number four isn’t about going to church. It was about Black Sabbath. God wants you to rock every Sunday.

God plays air guitar.

God: People think I’m insane because I am frowning at the time! Um… I mean wrath! Angry god! Urrr….

5. Honor Thy Father and Mother – So Ariel Castro’s kid has to honor him? People are giving Ariel Castro’s kid a hard time because of his serial killer rapist father. People say that he must of known about the women his pop held captive for ten years. But if my father was a serial killer rapist, I probably wouldn’t visit. So I think Ariel Castro’s kid is well justified in not honoring his father or visiting him ever.

God: Don’t point out the grey areas! If people think for themselves, their priests can’t tell them what to do!

6. Thou Shalt Not Kill – But it’s completely cool for soldiers, self-defense, when they own resources you want, when there are ideological differences, or when they worship pretty much the same god with slight differences. For the all the killing thou shalt not do, history sure seems to have a lot of it.

Phone rings.

Secretary: God’s desk. This is Jeannette.

Caller 1: Hello, this is Akbar “Kill-American-Pig-Dog” Alla’din. I want to check on my Holy War.

Secretary: Hang on. Let see. God has you scheduled for a holy war this Thursday at three.

Caller 1: Eastern or Middle Eastern Standard Time?

Secretary: GMT.

Caller 1: Thank you. The infidels will burn with vengeance.

Phone Rings.

Secretary: Please hold… God’s desk.

Caller 2: This is Westboro Baptist Church. We were looking to kill us some gays but on a regular basis. Can we schedule Holy War Thursdays?

Secretary: I’m sorry. Thursday is booked.

Phone rings.

Secretary: Hang on… Please hold. God’s desk.

Caller 3: I’d like to schedule a holy war.

Secretary: Who do you plan to kill?

Caller 3: Well, no one, these guys keep depanting me in gym class.

Secretary: It’s only a holy war if you kill each other for ideological differences.

Caller 3: Can’t God turn them into salt or something? Send them a message.

Secretary: Look, this line is for crusaders, holy wars, and Michael Bay only.

Caller 3: Michael Bay has a direct line to God?

Secretary: You think he gets by on talent alone?

Caller 3: He does have pretty incomprehensible action sequences and shallow characters.

Secretary: Now you’re getting it. Look kid. I’ll send a Jihadist group to your school and take care of those bullies.

Caller 3: Jeepers! Really! God really does answer prayers.

Secretary: He’s out golfing. Boss gets all the credit. We do all the work.

Caller 3: What?

Secretary: You’ll find out when you’re older.

A few weeks later. A Jewish Holy Fighter Squad Breaks into the  Northbrook Middle School Gym.

Jewish Holy Fighter: We will bring down the wrath of god to all those who depants.

Bully: Bro, aren’t Jewish people the victims of history?

Jewish Holy Fighter:  Never again. Starting with people who depants.

Nerdy kid: Yes!

7. Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery – God should have been a little more clear on this rule. Adultery is off the table. But choir boys, no problems there.

Priest: Hi Jimmy. Do you want to earn a pack of bubble gum?

Jimmy drops his robe.

Priest: What the hell are you doing? Put your robe back on. I was going to ask you to get the wafers ready for mass.

Jimmy: Aren’t you going to molest me?

Priest: Whoa! That’s sick! I know the ten commandments don’t have an issue with it but I do.

Jimmy: Oh come on! I’ll steal some of my dad’s whiskey.

Priest: I’m not going to molest you.

Jimmy: You some sort of square?

Priest: I’m going to call your parents.

Jimmy: I got to get my first sexual experience someday. You want me to die a virgin?

Priest: Shouldn’t you be worried about capturing fireflies or something?

Jimmy: Fireflies, who needs bugs when you’ve got the internet?

Priest: Do your parents do any parenting at all?

Jimmy: They work all day and night. I’m lucky if I see them once a week. The internet and Xbox are my parents. So we going to have sex or not?

Kid punches the Priest.

Priest: Where did you learn about sex?

Jimmy: Grand Theft Auto. Sex is when you slap a hoe around.

Weeks later… priest has record numbers in his church.

Priest: So Jesus bitched slapped Lazarus and said, “Fucking stab that needle in the heart. This fucker is about to OD!”

Congregation Member: Best service ever…

8. Thou Shall Not Steal – This one is pretty clear. Unless it’s a “lawful war”, then it’s spoils of war. And what’s a “lawful war” anyway?

God: Don’t take anything that’s not yours. But if it were to be leftover after a war…

George W. Bush: But I really want that oil. Now! It’s mine!

God: Look,  do I have to spell it out for you? Make up some shit about WMD’s and start a god damn war.

George W. Bush: Too many big words.

God: Do I really have to do everything for you? I’ll write your speeches.

Later… at the State of the Union.

George W. Bush: Say “I” then spell the word “cup”.

God hits his forehead.

9. Don’t Lie About Your Neighbors – But everyone else is fair game. That’s why corporate America is pretty much ok with spinning any bullshit.

Bullshit 1: 9/10 doctors agree that Cancer Man Cigarette will cure your kid’s cough.

Bullshit 2: Bottled water is healthier than tap water which cities test 10 times a day while bottled water goes virtually untested!

Bullshit 3: The government serves the people rather than a few people trying to get rich.

All these are ok by biblical standards. And we really need to make rules based on the bible. If we used the bible as a morale code, we could sell our children into slavery and give struggling American families an economic boost!

10.  Don’t Covet Thy Neighbor’s Wife – I think this one really shows the age of the bible. If god didn’t really want you to be lustful, then maybe he should have added an Internet Porn clause.

Peter: Looks like you’ve followed all the ten commandments. Welcome to heaven!

Guy: Sweet!

Peter: Now, before we get started, what was your profession?

Guy: Jack-off King!

Peter: Really?

Guy: Seriously, I figured that I really liked jacking off so I thought that I’d setup a webcam and get paid for it.

Peter: So people would pay to watch you jack-off?

Guy: There is something for everyone on the internet.

Peter: Right. Well, the jack-off part of heaven is full.

Guy: Really?

Peter: Well yeah. You think all people without sin are young, hot, sexually active people?

Guy: So heaven is full of  recluses?

Peter: Yep. So long as they are not coveting their neighbor’s wife…

God: Hello, I’d like thank you for joining us for this humor post. If you can’t laugh at religion, then you probably take it way too seriously. And religion taken way too seriously leads too:

Where’s the Third Fucking Option?

Crazed BM Gun Man ISO of SWM crazy chick, likes long walks on the beach, and mass murder, Be my Bonnie to my Clyde

I am finally going to weigh in on gun control. Generally speaking, I try to stay away from a topic until I have a solid opinion. When I think about the polarized options, each are absurd. Hippy wonderland can’t exist because one power hungry dude with a chain gun will end the hippy love fest.

Hippy: Guns are illegal! Time to celebrate with cheesecake!

Hippy is about to eat some cheesecake.

Dude with Chain Gun: Die hippy scum!

Hippy: But that’s illegal. You can’t do that!

Dude with Chain Gun: I make the rules now! I have the only gun. And my first rule is that I get the first bite of all dessert!

Hippy: Nooo! Why did I ban the guns!

But on the flip-side, guns really do not make the world a safer place:

Shopper is in a check out line at a grocery store.

Shopper: I have a coupon for the Cheez Whiz.

BLAM! An old lady behind him in line is shot.

Shopper: Sorry. My gun must of misfired. But it’s completely legal.

Old Lady: It’s ok dear.

BLAM! Shopper’s foot is shot off.

Shopper: Owww! Hey.

Old Lady: Sorry! Landed on my gun.

BLAM! The clerk shoots the Shopper in the stomach.

Clerk: Sorry, itchy trigger finger. Thought I was being robbed again.

Shopper: It’s your right as an American.

BLAM! Shopper is shot in the shoulder by a kid. A mother swipes the gun.

Mother: I told you not to go through daddy’s things! Sorry about that.

Shopper: It’s fine! I’ve been through worse.

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! A shooter kills everyone.

Shooter: A room full of guns and no one shoots me!

BLAM! The shooter dies.

Shopper: That’s why you should always carry a gun at all times, kids!

A audience full of kids cheers and shoots each other.

Shopper: Fuck…

Why doesn’t this guy run for president? I’d vote for him.

If we can’t go to either extreme, than why not have a third option? Get rid of all lethal weapons. Before I cause a card carrying NRA member’s head to explode, hear me out. Why don’t we invest a metric shit ton (it’s European shit, American shit would be acts of congress) in development of non-lethal weaponry and eventually disarm the entire planet? We can make a missile that can fly through a building and kill one person in a cubical. But we can’t make the missile stun the same human being? We could make non-lethal weaponry with the same range and accuracy as anything we have today. Science is pretty awesome that way.

If we have a non-lethal weapon equivalent of everything on the market, then why not start using them over deadly ones? I’m not just isolating citizens, I am saying police, military, governments, and any other person who uses a weapon. There will still be people with the lethal variety out there but non-lethal will incapacitate a person just the same. I think the way to shape society is choosing the better path. We will probably never settle human conflict but what if people had to really deal with each other because killing each other wasn’t an option? What if war planes could drop bombs with a non-lethal pulse that could render an entire city unconscious instead of nuking it? Or a sniper could knock out a person 500 yards away? Or a solider could use the equivalent of a non-lethal machine gun?

Gunfire and sounds of war. A bloody and battered solider approaches his lieutenant.

Solider: There are insurgents on all sides! They are closing in!

Lieutenant: It’s cool bro.

Solider: Sir, with all due respect. Half the platoon is dead and you say, “It’s cool bro!”

Lieutenant: Yeah man. We got the a non-lethal weapon that’s the shit.

Lieutenant pulls out a giant joint the size of a Volkswagen.

Lieutenant: This is some grade A shit man…

Later… All the soldiers and insurgents are stoned.

Insurgent: Why were we fighting again?

Solider: I don’t know man… Anyone got some chips?

Imagine if lethal weapons weren’t so easy to access. The random people shooter couldn’t really go out in the “blaze of glory” if he was being shot with non-lethal rounds. A hunter could still peg a deer across the valley but they will have to slit the animal’s throat in it’s sleep after it’s hit with the non-lethal projectile (Manly men will use their teeth over a knife). And for anyone who believes we need lethal weapons to protect themselves from the government, we are pretty much screwed whether or not private citizens have guns. The government has planes, missiles, nukes, drones, and all sorts of advanced weaponry. A militia in the Texas hills really can’t compete. If the government really did want to target private citizens who possess ideological differences, then stockpiling guns won’t do anything against a drone, a smart missile, and solider sitting in his underwear thousands of miles from the strike zone. Private citizen militias are like ants stockpiling weapons to protect themselves from construction equipment. Now keep in mind, I’m not really advocating the removal of weapons because it’s impossible to get by with out them. I’m just simply expressing the need to improve the humanity in our weapons.

Alas poor Yorick. They will remember me as The Doctor over Hamlet. Where be your gibes, your gambles. A Dalek costume… not funny!

I’m assuming emotions like revenge are one reason we don’t switch to non-lethal weapons. But if not killing a person-no matter how much they deserve it-means even one more person who didn’t deserve to die is alive, I think it’s worth not having revenge. I understand revenge but it’s like any other emotion. People can learn to control their emotions. People can learn to deny instincts and emotion because life will be better for themselves or others. Alcoholics and Addicts train themselves to control their addiction. They will deny the emotional and instinctual state that put them there. So denying revenge by non-lethal weapons maybe counterintuitive for those that want it but we all don’t get want we want.

13-Year-Old Girl: But daddy! I want him dead now!

Father: I know he killed One Direction but a person still deserves due process of law.

13-Year-Old Girl: But daddy! That’s not fair!

Father: If it were up to me, I’d give him a medal of honor. At least now, I won’t have to hear you play that album over and over again.

13-Year-Old Girl: Daddy! You are so stupid and mean!

Father: I’m just kidding. Come on honey!

I’m assuming the other reason why we don’t switch is money. Companies make a lot of money selling guns. It’s pretty big business when we think about the shear amount of them on the planet. So in order to really give the manufacturers incentive, the government would have to step in with subsidies and so forth to make non-lethal very profitable until the industry takes hold. We don’t even have to take away lethal weapons in the beginning. Our military and police could lead by example. Our citizens could be  given tax breaks and discounts to switch.

I think the big problem with society is that we almost never see the third option and we fear trying things another way. A mass shooting happens and gun control gets very polarized. Why not try it a different way? It’s of my personal belief that if you could arm everyone with non-lethal weapons every bit as effective as the lethal counter parts, the world will be a better place. So why not take steps to make it happen? If we really want to change, I think we need more third options.

7 Tips For Applying to College

We love diversity! Unless you’re gay. Just where is the other hand of that blonde surfer dude anyway?

1. IT’S NEVER TOO EARLY TO START YOUR COLLEGE SEARCH – If you want to get in a good school, you have to start thinking about it during at least your third cell-division during your conception. By the time you get to the fourth cell-division, schools like MIT and Harvard will have the admission team call you:

MIT Admissions Rep: Hi Jenny, this is MIT. We are calling because we have some good news.

Jenny: Yes! What is it?

MIT Admissions Rep: Just Kidding. You Suck!

Jenny: Hey! I was planning to go to MIT since birth!

MIT Admission Rep: Join the long line to be a Walgreens stocking clerk. Our students have been planning since the first cell-division.

Jenny: This is terrible.

MIT Admission Rep: When you are burnt out from working three jobs you hate to live a middle class lifestyle… Just remember, you could have been somebody if you only had a little foresight

Jenny: I should have listened to my in-womb guidance consoler!

Now give me a little spin. Let me see that butt.

2. WORK CLOSELY WITH YOUR HIGH SCHOOL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR – When your guidance counselor has requests like “show a little more skin” or “a young subtle youth as yourself will be successful with a little experience from an older gentleman such as myself”, it’s not weird at all. Most guidance counselors are hired for their extreme creepiness factor. That’s why high school students never see them.

High School Boy: I spend most of my time thinking about my future. I really don’t like thinking about sex at all.

Guidance Counselor: It’s ok to think about sex. You can tell me all those thoughts roaming around. Just don’t look me up in the sex offender database.

High School Boy: Jeepers! You are creepy mister. I’ve never even heard of sex before today. Or drugs.

Guidance Counselor: I got some weed in the office.

High School Boy: Zowie. You sure know how to get a person to think about his future.

Guidance Counselor: They kicked me out of being a health teacher you know…

3. EXPLORE MAJORS THAT MATCH YOUR SKILLS AND INTERESTS - Since the last sketch was unrealistic because most teenagers are interested in pretty much sex and/or drugs. Teens have a limited set of major choices. Botany is a good major for those with the softer drugs and Chemistry for the harder ones. For those looking for sex, any major will do. Graduate students are always willing to exchange grades for sexual favors.

Hot Student: If we have sex, will you give me an A?

Graduate Student: No

Do you know how much we owe in student loans? This is the only way to realistically pay them off.

4. DON’T RULE OUT SCHOOLS BECAUSE OF COST - Most people think that school costs too much. But there are always ways to pay for school. You can pay for school like most people by robbing banks, whoring yourself, selling meth, and even kidnapping high profile people for ransom money.

Modified Voice: If you want to see MC Hammer alive, please deposit $2 million in cash.

Hammer Family: Hahaha! He has like $2 in his bank account.

Modified Voice: Then how about Mike Tyson!

Hammer Family: You’ll get some pocket change

Modified Voice: Donald Trump? He is doing really well for himself.

Hammer Family: He’s reality show whore. He’s dancing like a monkey for the network execs. He probably makes as much money as a rock star from the sixties.

Ringo Starr: I think I got a pen with my name on it from the first four Beatle albums.

 5. PRIORITIZE THE FACTORS MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU IN A COLLEGE OR UNIVERSITY – This one is really easy because college chicks and dudes are pretty much way hot no matter where you go. So the factor you’ll need to research is the access to drugs and alcohol. Usually, you’ll want to avoid places like “dry” because they don’t allow alcohol on campus. Unless you are looking for crazy drugs like injecting eightballs into your corneas, than you probably want “dry” campuses. Usually, the sheltered ones go off the deep end when they are exposed to the world.

Missionary: I am here to speak with you about god.

Dude: Do you want heroin?

Missionary: My mom always said I was a hero.

Dude: Welcome to Heaven on Earth…

Missionary steps into the house. Five hours later… Missionary is naked, in a fetal-position, and crying. Dude strokes his head.

Missionary: My mother was wrong…

Dude: Shhh…. shhh… the first step is acceptance.

So we’ll place shooters: here, here, and here. Tammy you got the pipe bomb?

6. VISIT AS MANY UNIVERSITIES AS POSSIBLE - You want to make sure to visit colleges because you want to check out the bathrooms. Sketchy bathrooms equals sketchy college. You never see people taking craps in college brochures, yet you’ll have to take a shit at least once a day at the college. And being a person who was propositioned for gay sex in a college bathroom, you’ll want to know (so you can have that gay sex if you swing that way). Lucky for me, I was pretty clueless.

I was sitting on the toilet and this hand comes from under the stall. It was three fingers facing up. I later discovered from a gay buddy of mine that the hand signal was an old eighties “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” hand gesture.

Me: Do you need toilet paper?

No response. So I thought maybe he is a deaf mute. And deaf mutes need toilet paper too sometimes. So I took a giant wad of toilet paper and put it in his hand.

7. THINK QUALITY, NOT QUANTITY - This is probably the best advice for college. Crappy cheap beer and wine will give you massive hangovers the next day. You want to pay a little more so you don’t feel like shit the next day. Sulfates will kill your head. So when you apply to college, make sure the nearest liquor store has top shelf stuff. If it’s a 7-11 full of crappy beer, you’re going to spend a lot of your college experience hung-over. Unless you do too much drugs, than you’ll be crazy and homeless.

Missionary: I am one with the universe, man. All the acid…

Me: The blog post is over. You can go home.

Missionary: Oh… when do we get paid?

Me: I don’t get paid for writing it. Hell, I can’t even afford to hire actors to act out the sketches. Ringo Starr didn’t even get paid!

Ringo Starr: “Can’t Buy Me Love” can’t buy me anything!

Missionary: But I should get something!

Me: My heart felt gratitude for a job well done?

Wal-Mart Executive: Yes… a job well done… That should be employees’ motivation to work. We shouldn’t even have to pay them at all. We have to make money some how. My $30 million salary barely keeps up the rent on my castle. Poor people just don’t know how hard it is to be rich. Maybe I’ll cut paying employees all together and give them stickers to show what a good job they’ve been doing!