Aaron Frale's Blog, page 24

The Cat Toilet Training Days

Whoever said that you can’t train cats obviously didn’t have a year of free time and at least eight hours for their cats. I have a officially toilet trained my cats Darla and Ezri (yes, we are that nerdy). Since they are one-year-olds, I am hoping for at least 19 years of kitty litter-free living. For those cat owners whose heart just skipped a beat, yes it is possible. But don’t run for your credit card just yet.

It was about this time last year when my wife’s sister told her about this cat toilet training system called CitiKitty. My wife and I had just adopted kittens so we figured that it would be an excellent time to toilet train. With a little research, the product not only was cheap, it also seemed easy:

Unfortunately my cats didn’t watch the video. The next year of our life would be officially known by historians as ”The Year of the Poop.” That’s of course assuming historians were paying attention to me and more specifically my cats. But with all the  cats on treadmills and cats batting at faucet stream videos on YouTube, historians probably really will look at cats from our time.

History Teacher: The cat was revered by ancient societies. Their historical archive called YouTube had more cat videos than anything else.

Student: Didn’t they also have videos about people getting kicked in the balls?

History Teacher: Historians believed ball kicks were sacrifices to the gods. They had a day of worship called Monday Night Football. Foot… ball.

Students: Ahhhh!

Another Student: But what about awful music videos? Those were also pretty popular.

History Teacher: But the most popular video of all time was the Gundam Style Friday Cat getting kicked in the balls.

Students: Ooooh!

“The Year of the Poop” started simply enough. We bought the CitiKitty training system and flushable cat litter. You’d expect flushable litter would be in every store but for some reason only Target carried it. We put the litter on the toilet for about a month before we started to get them used it and went to Germany. We decided to start the training coming home from Europe.

So the next few months were rather smelly and messy but not the most difficult part. If you watched the video, it seems simple. Keep punching out rings in the cat litter until there’s none. It seemed easy but what they didn’t tell you is that a thin litter pan gets dirty very quickly so I had to scrub, every night. Of course the cats would force me to scrub every night because they would except no less than a clean pan.

Ezri: He’s not cleaning the pan.

Darla: Time to pee in his bed again.

Ezri: Wait till he’s sleeping in it.

We learned pretty quickly that training cats is like teaching your grandparents to use Facebook from a smart phone.

Grandma: It’s not working.

Me: It’s working, you have to enter the unlock code.

Grandma: The unlo-what?

Me: The code we setup when you got the phone.

Grandma: I didn’t set up a code. It’s making that noise again.

Me: It’s because your grandchildren have tagged you in a picture.

Grandma: Can they do that? Is it legal?

Me: Hi folks, I’m from the Elderly Against Smartphone Commission. You’ve probably had this same conversation with your grandparents week and after tedious week.

Grandma: I heard that.

Me: Please do yourself a favor and if you want to stay connected to your grandparents. Go visit them and don’t get them a Smartphone for fuck’s sake.

Grandma: I heard that too.

So needless to say, cats don’t change very easily. My wife’s sister and her girlfriend had to abandon their quest after the cats developed an affinity for peeing on the bathroom rug. Thankfully, my cats learned proper pee technique pretty early. The cats will eventually learn what you want them to learn, you just have to have more patience than Jesus. And Jesus has a lot of patience.

Jesus: Could I get a Big Mac meal?

Street Vendor: That won’t be invented for about 2,000 years.

Jesus: I’ll wait.

The secret to training your cats is positive reinforcement rather than negative.  When the cats would poop in a location that wasn’t the toilet (such as the bathtub), we’d spray them or scold them. The scolding would only end up making them scared to poop. So we bought treats to give to them for pooping. And covered the wrong places for them to poop with the electric fence for kitties. We filled the bathtub full of water. The first and last time she jumped in the bathtub was followed by a splash and a hilarious yowl. I really wish I was faster on the smart phone draw for that one.

Our more social cat, Darla, seemed to pick up the training very quickly. Her accidents were few and training seemed to stick. Ezri, the cat whose idea of a good time is hiding in the back room until someone sits at computer desk then venturing for a few moments of lap time, was a different story. She decided the toilet water is the litter. So she scraps the water before and after she uses it. For example:

When something jars her small world, like fireworks in July, or a friend staying in our guest room, she becomes convinced that the toilet is an abomination and will hold it until she has the hallway to herself at night. So we were determined to not have come so far on a dream. Martin Luther King’s first draft of the ”I have a dream” speech was about his cats:

MLK: I have a dream that one day, cats will use toilets.

Buddy: Um… you may want to rewrite that.

MLK: But I bought this CitiKitty…

So in order to prevent night poopings, we locked the kitties in the bathroom at during the wee hours (Ha! I made a funny!). They surprisingly like being in the bathroom at night. When I pulled the cat tree into the bathroom, they sit on it and wait for me to tuck them in. I am assuming they like it for the same reasons dogs can be cage trained. But they probably really like being in the bathroom at night for other reasons.

Darla: The humans are asleep. Pull out your iPad.

Ezri: Got it.

Darla: Open your Cats Will Rule the World app and connect to the Southwest meeting.

So after about a year of picking up the cat and putting her on the toilet when I see her scrapping invisible litter in the hallway, and using kitty mind control (dehydrated shrimp snacks),  Ezri “Two Shrimps” Karas-Frale finally uses the toilet.  So perseverance does pay. Now, if I can only teach my cats to flush…

My wife: Hey Aaron, why do we have a $3,142 water bill?

Flush… flush… flush… in the background. I shrug. Laugh track and freeze frame.

The Juice

May cause: bleeding, hernia, anal leakage, death, head explosion, anal leakage, spasms, internal organ combustion, excessive sweat, did we mention anal leakage? Consult your doctor for a free trial…

I am not really a pill person. In fact, I don’t really know anyone who is a pill person:

Waiter: Welcome Pharmanoodles where we have pills and noodles.

Woman: I’ll have the Pad Thai… wait, you have pills! I’ll just take pills.

I guess Meth Addicts would be more of a pill person:

Meth Addict: Ahhh, dragons!

Which brings me to the point. Why do so many Americans take pills when the cost of a better diet is way cheaper? I’m not really spouting any new information. Hippocrates, a dead dude who invented malpractice, said “If we could give every individual the right amount of nourishment and exercise, not too little and not too much, we would have found the safest way to health.” Exercise and diet are the key to healthiness.

The cost of medications alone should be enough sway people to eat healthier. But Americans have to do things in the extreme. Why take one pill when you can take nine? Your meds are making you depressed? Take another pill. But better diets can reduce the pill load. There is really no secret to healthy eating. Eat more vegetables. Americans treat vegetables with disdain and suspicion like someone decided to take shit on their plate. Fast food reinforces this believe by only offering vegetables that could double as toilet paper and often do.

Meth Addict: Ahhh, dragons!

Me: Could you stop that? I’m trying to write a humor piece. Here, have some juice.

There is this widespread belief that vegetables will not nourish our bodies that we need loads of meat and carbs. But there is a big difference between nourish and satiate. Large portions of carbs and meat satiate, they make you not feel hungry. But they don’t nourish. Nourishing the body involves adding vitamins the body needs to keep it running. So completely lacking vegetables leads to a deficiency in the vitamins the body needs to keep running propperly so we use medication to keep those processes going.

Notice how the cornucopia is filled with fruit and veggies… not burgers and fries.

So for me, it’s a very simple equation. I could spend a lot of money on medication or spend money on vegetables. So I’ve decided to start juicing. It’s like packing in a metric shit ton of vegetables into a cup. What could be more American than cramming something into thirty-two ounce cup? I can’t just go halfway maybe include more veggies on the plate than meat and carbs. I want to take a giant mound of veggies, more than a human could possibly eat in a day and condense it into a cup. Juicing is probably the most extreme version of vegetable intake. It’s so extreme that it’s sounds like some drug fad.

Meth Addict: Man you got the juice? I need a hit!

Dealer: Sorry, all I have is Meth. It takes too much time to juice and it’s too hard to clean up after juicing.

Meth Addict: Sounds logical to me…

Dealer: People will suck your dick for Meth. Unless they’re vegan. Then they’ll do it for juice.

Meth Addict: Do you really want Meth addicts to suck your dick? I have no teeth and scabs.

Dealer: I don’t think healthy sexual relations really play into the dealer/addict relationship.

Meth Addict: We sound like we should be in graduate school.

Dealer: That’s a good idea. Maybe I can give myself options besides a life of crime through education.

Five years later: The Dealer has graduated with his Chemistry PHD. He is giving the valedictorian speech.

Dealer: Hello class of 2018. The job market still sucks and there is nothing for my education level. I have more student loan debt than I can possibly pay off. But at least I can fall back on selling Meth!

Juicing involves piling more vegetables than a third-world nation family sees in a year on the counter, putting them in a machine, and drinking them in a tiny little cup. If you do it right, they taste pretty good. If your like me, you just sort of cram everything into the juice including the cat hiding under the vegetable pile. And juice the stuff which doesn’t always taste so good. So I’ll be sipping a juice feigning the wonderfulness of my drink and my wife doesn’t really believe it.

I’m drinking some brown goop while cringing.

Me: This is great!

Another sour face.

Wife: Un-huh.

Me: You want some?

Wife: No.

Another butthole pucker face.

Me: Are you sure?

Wife: Yes.

For some reason, she didn’t trust me. But isn’t that how all relationships are? They just don’t trust you when you meet your completely platonic friend in the a hotel room with a teddy bear, flowers, candy, and a box of condoms. They don’t believe you when you say you are simply filming a webseries about a teddy bear that uses a box of condoms to make balloon animal friends.

Teddy: Jeepers, that’s quite the long neck mister giraffe.

Giraffe: Only when I’m excited.

Laugh track.

Teddy: Are you sure there is candy in the magical flower forest?

Giraffe: There is but it’s guarded by a troll and you have to suck his dick.

Teddy: Wowza!

5 Back-to-School Saving Tips

Pictured: $300 worth of supplies. As if the little shits don’t already cost enough. The lack of funding for schools is passed onto the parents.

It’s back-to-school time. Here are some ways to save:

1. Steal from a homeless guy - It’s much easier than you think. Buy them booze. Wait for them to pass out. And steal their backpack. There’s got to be pretty cool stuff in the backpack. After all, the backpack is only thing they own. If you could only own one backpack full of stuff wouldn’t be your best stuff ever! At the very least, you’ll get a backpack for your kid.

2. Sell Meth – I know what you are thinking. “But Aaron, I’ll snort too much.” Take it from me, I live in the same city where Breaking Bad was filmed, never use the product yourself. Snort cocaine instead. That’s what successful people did in the eighties. You want to be successful? Right? The best part is your kids will see your success and want to be just like you. And think of all the potential new clients you’ll get on career day at your kids school!

3. Reverse Donate - Go to one of those places that collects shit for orphans and say, “Look at all this stuff I have to donate. NOT!” And grab stuff off their table and run. You can also do this for Toys for Tots, church collection baskets, or just about any charity. Except blood drives. That’s kind of weird.

4. Auction One Child – Science experiments, human trafficking, rich oil barons, and the Tea Party (for ritual sacrifice) all need children. That’s why you have more than one kid. And think of the discipline opportunities. “You cut that out Billy or you’ll be sold off like your brother.”

5. Mug Other Children - Kids won’t put up a fight for their school supplies. If a teacher catches you, just tell them that the kid you were mugging was taking the school supplies from your child. Who are they going to believe a kid or you? Don’t answer that.

5 Spam-Based Realities

If it’s good enough for the apocalypse, it’s good enough for me.

Spam mail seems to be disconnected from reality. I know it’s computer generated mass email but imagine if it was real. The world would be a much funnier place.

1. There would be at least 20 African billionaire princes dying every year who need American banks accounts to transfer their wealth-which would mean that Africa would be the wealthiest continent on the planet. So the reality would be that American princes (like Michael Jackson and Heath Ledger) would be needing African bank accounts to transfer money to a safe location.

I am writing on behalf the late Heath Ledger. The poor nation of America is attempting to give Heath’s estate to orphans or kids with cancer. We really want it to go to hookers and blow. Since Nigeria has pretty relaxed laws and the most billionaires on the planet, we figure the money will be safe. Please give us your bank account number and we’ll handle the rest.

 2. Adrianna is so incredibly horny and has been wondering why you’ve been ignoring her messages. Let’s use our suspension of disbelief for a second here. Had Adrianna been real, most men would not be ignoring her messages. In fact, Adrianna wouldn’t even need to reach out via email. All Adrianna would need to do is write a Facebook status update.

Adrianna would be the only facebook page to beat George Takei for followers and interactivity.

3. Various penis related drugs and size enhancers will change your sex life. Large sweaty men with hair that belongs on a wookie, poor hygiene, and the wheeze will of course instantly change their sex life when they enhance their penis size. Most women don’t use factors such as personality, bathing habits, sexual attractiveness, and other trivialities to decide on sex partners. They choose purely on parts of the body that remain hidden until they have sex. Because women only choose mates based on penis size, you’d think that waving your penis around in public would make their choice easier. Unfortunately, the judge doesn’t agree.

4. An internet service like my bank account, paypal, etc. has lost my password and they are emailing me to ask for it back. Most internet companies lose passwords by simple methods. Sometimes, an employee leaves the window open and the passwords get blown away. Other times, the passwords are thrown out by the night cleaning service. Most times, it’s a simple case of locking the passwords up with another password. Just as locking your keys in the car, you’ll need another key to get at the first key. They sure are friendly and kind sending you emails to ask for your password. It’s like that homeless guy who wanted my car keys. I just hope he comes back soon. I want to go home.

5. There are about five million kids dying of rare diseases whose only chance to live is forwarding email. Those kids are so fucked.

In Space, No One Will Hear Barbie Scream

We have reached a new age of space exploration. Barbie is now a Mars explorer. The toy manufacturer, Mattel, claims that the Mars exploring Barbie will encourage girls to be a profession normally dominated by men. Back in the olden days (a couple of years ago), women had very limited career options.

Man: Woman! You will bare my seed, raise my children, clean my house, and bring me my mead!

Woman: Great, thank you for coming to the interview. Let’s start with a few questions.

Man: Woman! You shall please me on my demand.

Woman: Let’s get through the interview first. Alright, so let’s start with your background.

Man: I am conqueror of the seven kingdoms, slayer of the serpent, fighter of the bull, and tamer of the lion!

Woman: Good. So what would you say is your biggest strength?

Man: I have a 12-inch sword.

The position of this horse is not an accident. Think of it as a to scale representation…

Woman: Isn’t that small for a sword?

Man: It’s not the size of the sword but how you handle it. For example, my penis is only 2 inches.

Woman: Really?  But…

Man: Why do you think I’ve conquered so much! It’s the like the guy with the flashy car. We overcompensate for-

Woman: Well, it was a good interview. We’ll call you.

Man: But I demand to take you as my wife.

Woman: I have tons of other interviews…

Man: But…

Woman: Chan Tan the Mongol Warrior Lord.

Chan Tan: Yo!

Woman: Next.

Man: But I…

Chan Tan pulls out his penis.

Man: Nevermind.

The backpack facilitates her anorexia.

I’m all for woman having all the same career opportunities, pay rate, education, etc. But I don’t know if Barbie is exactly the best way to convey the message to girls. We attach this image of beauty to a career that isn’t exactly pretty. The body of Barbie dolls are unrealistic. I don’t think anorexic astronauts would be very effective on Mars. The logistics of vomiting while in a space suit is pragmatic at best. But the real danger is when the anorexic Barbie feints on the mission.

Barbie: I’m the only one that survived bitches! Because I passed out, my oxygen supply lasted longer! And now that all the crew are dead, the food stores will last longer. Not that I eat. Eating is for suckers.

Barbie passes out again.

In addition to the unrealistic body type, why the hell would they have make-up on a mission to Mars? Are we really that shallow and vain that we’d waste valuable cargo that will cost millions of dollars to transport make-up to Mars? I’d rather have more medical supplies in a trip to Mars than make-up.

Barbie: I can’t explore a desolate rocky planet without my make-up! What if somebody sees me on a desolate planet… full of rocks… lots of rocks… so many rocks… It takes me three hours to get ready! Three fucking hours! One of you rocks could at least appreciate my effort.

My last gripe is the suit. It looks like it lacks insulation. The stuff that prevents you from freezing to death seems like a pretty important part of a space suit…. and that’s why in space no one will hear Barbie scream. And also why badass women star in Science Fiction.

The Queen Alien hisses at Barbie.

Barbie: Ewww…. you’re drooling alien goop on my space suit! They really need to fix this thing. I keep breaking nails. Unacceptable.

The Queen Alien decides it’s not worth the effort.

Barbie: You know what would be awesome! Glitter on the space suit! Maybe diamond studs.

Irritated, the Queen Alien snaps Barbie in half. Split-in-half Bishop consoles Barbie.

Bishop: You’re ok for a human.

Barbie: Ugg… you got my space suit all dirty. I have a hot date tonight! My daddy will hear about this.

Bishop ends her.

Where is Ken during this? He was grounded for PTSD:

Don’t make fun of the stump. My dick was shot off during the war!

Announcer: Hey kids! Here is PTSD Ken! He self medicates with pills, alcohol, and Skipper. When he finally decides it’s over, you can blow his head off. Don’t let him near the constant nagging ghetto momma Barbie or he just may just take more than his own life. Normally, medical marijuana would pacify any homicidal rage but he’s from Kentucky.

Kids: Yay!

Another Kid: He reminds me of my dad!

Kids get sad.

Kids: Why you got to spoil the fun?

25 Reasons to Fire Your Therapist

“I hold the pad like this to hide my boner.”

1. “Sounds like you have a sleep disorder. Better take this pill, chain yourself to the bed at night, and don’t forget to leave your home address with the receptionist.”

2. He follows up all his advice by yelling the word, “NOT!” For example, “It’s perfectly normal to be anxious, NOT!” or “You are feeling this way because of your parents divorce, NOT!”

3. His solution to every problem is joining the Marines. One day, you see him putting on his suit jacket and vest and there is a Marine uniform under it.

4. “The problem with your marriage is your wife doesn’t fuck you like she fucks me. Did I say that out loud?”

5. Offers to prescribe certain drugs if you split your stash with him.

6. “Thoughts of suicide? May I interest you in a Jihad I’ve been working on?”

7. He stares you down and quotes from Cool Hand Luke.

Who needs therapy when you have rock!

8. You are struggling to grasp how all the Lemmy from Motorhead analogies fit into your life.

9. He is always swapping addictions, “Alcohol problem? Try gambling!”

10. “In times like these, you have to ask yourself What Would James Franco do? Would James Franco give up? WOULD HE? Nether should you!”

 11. Excessive farting… yep.

12. .”It’s ok to do everything god tells you. After all, god knows all. What are you doing with that gas can?”

13. Every conversation ends with him in tears talking about his issues.

14. Uses 2,000 year-old morality codes to give you advice about internet dating.

15. “Are you dead yet? I really need to beat Bill this month.”

16. The Ghostbusters quotes were amusing in the beginning but lost their luster when your emotional milestone was reduced to “We came. We saw. We kicked its ass!”

17. Always laughs then says, “Oh, I’m sorry. Continue. I was thinking of last night’s Family Guy.”

18. “Can I take a picture for my spank bank? I have this thing about crying women…”

19. “No shit! Imagine that! I’m a shape-shifting serial killer too!”

20. You are checking in to the obsessive behavior clinic. The entire office is decked out in Star Trek gear. You come into his office and he is dressed as Deanna Troi.

21. Clown Therapy…

22. He somehow always uses Snoop Dogg lyrics during the session, “Your problem is that your mind is on your money and your money is on your mind. I’d suggest driving down the street, sippin’ on gin n’ juice. Laid back.”

23. He periodically looks up from his tablet exclaiming about a farm and/or dragon.

24. Suggests a LARPing group for an escape. You go to find out he’s the only member. Offers to do the sex scenes by phone.

25. Your therapist is really Obama in disguise “just checking on the citizens.”

Insult Therapy

This week, I’ve dusted off an old short film I wrote. There wasn’t really much of a soundtrack on the film so it was an unique opportunity to slap some Spiral songs on it. So it’s a rare combination of my comedy and my rock band. Enjoy and share it if you laughed either at or with it:

Therapy in Prison (Not The Rapey)

Chug! Chug! Chug! Suicide frats have difficulty finding new pledges.

I am not really a vengeful person. I don’t really see the point of punishing criminals. I am not saying we should hand out some “Get Out of Jail Free” cards:

Parole Officer: You’ve stabbed thirteen inmates, run the in-house drug smuggling, and raped 53 including the warden. What makes you think you’ll ever see the light of day?

Prisoner: I got this!

Pulls out a “Get Out of Jail Free” card.

Parole Officer: Damn, lucky draw. You can leave.

Prisoner: Awesome! Peace, bitches!

Prisoner leaves then comes back.

Prisoner: Before I go. Can I get a “Get Out of a Murder Rap Free” card?

Parole Officer: No.

Prisoner: But Zimmerman got one!

I think people should go to prison if they commit a crime but I really don’t think the punishment based prison system works. The prison system is this system that takes a bunch of people with a predisposition to violence and puts them in situations were more violence is the only way to survive. When I think about the penal system, violence is really never a good solution to curb violent behavior. I will grant that there are some situations were violence is the only option. If aliens were to invade, than we would need a resistance group, preferably violent.

A group of people line up at a table that reads: Alien Killas Auditions Today! A man walks up to the table. A grizzled resistance fighter eyes him.

Fighter: Welcome to the tryouts. What makes you think that you can be a resistance fighter?

Man: I can kick ass and take names. Watch.

Man kicks the person behind him in the ass.

Dude: Hey!

Man: What’s your name?

Dude: Larry

Man: Larry… the dude’s whose ass whom I kicked is named Larry.

You missed… The lobbiest are across the street!

But other than self defense, I really don’t see the point of using violence to solve more violence. Some people seem to take pleasure in the thought that child molesters are being butt raped for cigarettes in prison but I really don’t think revenge is the best way to deal with prisoners.  Personally, I think child molesters should be put in therapy because there is obliviously something wrong with them. But then again, I’m not really a vengeful person. My middle school conflicts were solved with words (usually witty insults for a middle schooler-like proving those that smelled farts must obviously be the person who farted), and drafting the assistance of others (such as a brother with martial arts training-two grades higher than me). No wonder I became a writer-always ready with the verbal punch.

While I do think there is a need to keep prisoners away from society, I think it should be more therapy than a revenge based system.  So rather than butt raping, why not force them to go through mental health sessions? Some countries such as Norway have reformed the prison system to be more mental health care facilities over prisons. They look like day spas compared to our prison. And contrary to popular belief, they have reduced the repeat offender rate of their criminal element leaps and bounds over our repeat offender rate in the States. The reason why the therapy approach works is rather than animalize and dehumanize the person, they try to fix them.

So punishment may make us feel good in America. But our prisons are like career colleges for criminals. They just learn to be better criminals. Punishment isn’t really a good deterrent for criminals. If prisons being a hellhole was a deterrent, than criminals would need planning for the future skills. Most criminals don’t really plan for the future, hence why they are criminals.

We are more weirded out if you don’t have criminal record.

A criminal pulls a gun on a bank clerk.

Criminal: Give me all your money so I can pay tuition for my Associates Degree.

The clerk begins to fill a bag full of money.

Clerk: Man, those student loans are killer.

Criminal: Tell me about it. If you want to boost the economy, just forgive student loans!

Clerk: I know. I could buy a house with the money I use for student loan payments… What’s your degree in?

Criminal: Criminal Justice.

Clerk: Ironic.

Criminal: I know.

Therapy in Prison should be deterrent enough. Imagine giant dudes, the kind with five hundred tattoos who have killed at least three people by stabbing them once for every tattoo, hugging and talking about their feelings.

Therapist: Today, we are going to draw the animal that represents you.

The inmates begin to draw. The therapist walks around.

Therapist: Tiger, good Tyrone! Bear, great job Rex! Shark, super job Ted…. A… um… That’s nice Dagger, that’s a… um…

Ted: It’s a rabbit with rabies or something?

Dagger: Don’t you ever say that! It’s Pikachu.

Rex: What’s a Pikachu? A Virus?

Dagger (upset): Pikachu does not have rabies.

Therapist: It’s ok. Calm down, Dagger.

Dagger: He’s better than all of you! I will cut you!

Therapist: Dagger, you know what we’ve said about cutting. Now tell me about this Pikachu.

Dagger: Fine. He’s a Pokémon and he fights for his friends.

Therapist: Do you fight for your friends, Dagger?

Dagger (cries): No, I rape them!

Tyrone: I know, man. My ass is still sore!

Therapist: Well, maybe you can think about how you can be more like Pikachu. What would Pikachu do?

Years later…. Dagger is on the outside. He is reformed. He ordering a hamburger at a fast food place dressed in full Pikachu costume.

Dagger: Pika! Pika!

Employee: I’m sorry sir but I don’t understand.

Dagger: Pika! Pika! Pikachu!

Employee: You’ll have to pick something off the menu.

Dagger: Pika!

Manager: Is there a problem here? What is that? Is it like a rabid rabbit or something?

Dagger: Don’t you say anything bad about Pikachu.

Dagger stabs the manager 500 times.

Dagger: Oops.

A punishment based prison system feels like institutionalized revenge. There may be a temporary release of tension when people get revenge but overall the victims still feel like shit the long-run because they’ve been victimized. Then to add insult to injury, in a punishment based penal system, the prisoners have a higher likelihood of victimizing again.  I think Shakespeare really figured out that vengeance really only leads to the everyone dies and no one is satisfied ending. For example, I saw the play Hamlet on one of those scrambled television channels where if you squint really hard, you may see a boob but you can hear the sound. The characters were way too focused on revenge in Hamlet. Everyone had this orgy at the end and killed each other. Poor Horatio was left wacking himself until Fortinbras came in and showed Horatio why they call him “Fortune Bra”.

12 Google Graphics You Won’t See Anytime Soon

My wife recently had a birthday and on the day Google made a Google graphic just for her (my computer had the regular Google site). When you click on it, the graphic went to her Google Plus profile. It was cute and made me realize that there are certain Google graphics you’ll never see:

1. August 6 - You are unlikely to see a cutesie image of an atom bomb incinerating the first few letters, melting the green off the “L” and deforming the “e”. The bombing of Hiroshima only warms hearts by baking them from the inside out.

2. October 4 - Imagine little nazi Google letters marching while the “e” watches in disgust. The planned neo-nazi march in the Jewish community of Skokie, Illinois may make Mel Gibson happy but the rest of America may have reaction similar to the “e”.

3. September 11 – You probably won’t see the two “o’s” towering above the other letters with two planes flying towards them.

4. April 14 – The “l” with a top hat and the wacky “G” dressed as John Wilkes Booth pulling out a comically large gun.  The Theatre won’t be the only thing dying in America.

5. December 21 - All the letters running in terror as the Mayan apocalypse reigns destruction and terror on us all. You won’t see this one less due to insensitivity and more to the fact that it didn’t happen. Shouldn’t have sold that house.

6. March 24 – The “G” crashes into the “o’s” and all the little bird “l’s”, and seal “e’s” are covered with gushing oil. The drunk Exxon Valdez Capitan stumbles out as a small ”g” vomiting on the birds and seals.

7. June 6 - The Google letters landing on the beaches of Normandy. And in a Saving Private Ryan style bloodbath, all the letters getting gunned down. The letters will scream for their moms while holding their guts and you stop their screams by clicking over to “fun” D-Day facts.

8. February 21 - The “o’s” form a double-barreled sawed-off shotgun and the ”l” guns down the “G” turning into an “X”.  The small “g” turns into Spike Lee’s hat. He makes a movie about the incident. The white “e” complains about not having a “white history month.” The “X” dies replying, “every month is white history month.”

9. May 6 – The lumbering giant “G” crashes into the other letters-setting them on fire. Led Zeppelin makes an album cover.

10. November 30 – The “e” falls from the sky and clunks the “G” on the head. Blood gushes and the “G” collapses. Most people may not know that the first documented case of a meteor striking a person happened November 30, 1952. What better way to inform the public than with hilarious violent animation!

11.  January 6 - The “o’s” turn into the Zia symbol on the New Mexico State flag. The big “G” for federal government declares New Mexico a state. So quit welcoming me to the damn country.

12.  July 9 – The two “o’s” circle each other with boxing gloves. One of the “o’s” bites off the other’s ear. The ear-biting “o” is very sad as it’s banned from boxing. It walks off to sad music and a good idea for an ear fast food chain.

My Biggest Loser Moment (Without Cake)

Then you take Steve Jobs and Bill Gates. Squeeze them like this. I’ll use real testicles after I made my billions.

I recently read an article about a 15-year-old girl inventing a flashlight powered by the heat from your body. Back when I was 15, I was more worried about finding a hit of acid or if this really cute girl who was way out of my league liked me. Of course looking back at those years, I know that the girl really didn’t know that I existed but with the acid, I didn’t really care that she didn’t know that I existed because walking up a three foot hill in the desert was a mind blowing mystical experience. It’s like an epic journey with Frodo up mount doom man.

I’m pretty well aware of the reasons why I didn’t get the ladies in high school so shut up. But suffice to say, I feel like my high school time was pretty much wasted and I don’t think I’m alone in that feeling. Inventing a flashlight is going to make this girl millions or at the very least land a super sweet research job or scholarship money. I don’t think my trek up the hill in the desert behind my house while baked on acid would have done the same thing for me (though it may certainly made me feel like I was).

The phrase, “being young is wasted on the youth” is more or less the problem with the educational system. I was extremely lucky to be in high school when Yahoo was a collection of some dude’s favorite places. This was before eBay and just about every major web platform. Instead of encouraging us to generate new ideas, my educational system really inspired me to see the futility in it all. The school didn’t care, they cared more about getting you to not shoot-up in class than provide education and more importantly provide planning skills for the future. And since the public education system didn’t care, I didn’t either.

My face is every pharmacy in America! What have you done?

I completely subscribed to the apathy that stifled my generation. I subscribed to it so much that I sort of half-assed my way through college when I came to my biggest loser moment. And no it wasn’t because I was eating gobs of cake while Jillian yelled in my ear. I was actually working one hour photo, sort of in-between a degree in theatre and a life of minimum wage hell. The smartest person I knew in high school came to get some photographs and she recognized me.

“Aaron? Is that you?” She said a statement that if one girl said to me in high school I probably would have jizzed in my pants but in loser college days made me actually have to think. I wasn’t quite sure who it was yet.

I was working in a job were it was customary not to think so I delayed with the “Hi. How are you?” generic response.

“Good!” She said.

“What have you been up to?” I said trying to tease out more information so I could think of her name.

“I’m just graduating from MIT. I own my own business but I’m thinking about going back to get another Masters.” She said. It was enough for me to remember her name and that she was the smartest person I knew in high school. It was also enough to make me realize the amount of nothing I’ve done with myself. That’s also when I realized the apathy was bullshit. I wasn’t achieving my goals because I didn’t strive for them. She had the same educational foundations as me. Sure, the school didn’t help but I didn’t help myself. I’m not saying that schools shouldn’t help because if they did, more people would plan for the future and succeed. But I should share some accountability for success as well.

That’s when I went into business for myself, making super zombies. My zombies were way better because they were imbued with intelligence (which for a zombie is slightly upbove your average Jersey Shore person). Unfortunately, the world domination plan fell through because now the zombies are all addicted to Dancing with the Stars and other reality TV. So I’m back to being a loser and writing blogs.