Aaron Frale's Blog, page 27

The Rise of the Bionic Men

They’ve finally built a million dollar bionic man. This is really exciting for me. Not that I was a big fan of The Six Million Dollar Man in particular but more that we have another example of science fiction becoming reality. However, they really scrimped on the budget. They didn’t really want to spend a whole lot of money so when our real life “Six Million Dollar Man” came, he was only a million dollars.

I’m sorry. We couldn’t afford hair.

This is a really good example of the problem with science funding in the country. The U.S. has the technology and the science to do amazing advances but we don’t want to spend it. Rather than say, “Holy shit, we could have people walking around fucking Mars!” We go with the approach, “Holy shit, these assholes that fucked up the economy need money to fuck it up again!”

The problem is not that governments spend money, it’s what they spend it on. We really couldn’t afford another five million dollars? Bionics could fix just about every problem with a human body and we can only sink one million into it? The projects that are worthy of providing the most advancement seem underfunded.

Underfunding science is a fairly irresponsible way to progress science.

A man walks into a “bionic man” shop. The salesperson greets him.

Man: I am looking for a Bionic man.

Salesperson: We got this six million dollar model here. He has built in spy equipment, he can run faster than a car, and jump really high.

The salesman shows a sleek bionic man.

Man: I’m working on a budget.

Salesperson: We got the million dollar model. He cooks, cleans, and does the bunny hop.

Another fairly decent bionic.

Man: Even more of a budget. You know, like used car level.

Salesperson: Ahh yes… here is the one legged model. He was built for ass kicking.

They come to a crappy run down one legged bionic man.

Man: You are not serious.

Salesperson: No really.

The robot jump snap kicks the man’s ass.

Man: Owww…. Stop that!

The robot continues to ass kick.

Salesperson: Sorry. It has a mind of it’s own.

Man: No seriously. Stop it.

The bot kicks the man’s head right off.

Salesperson: What the-

BAM! The salesperson’s head rolls.

Later: The one legged bionic man is standing on a pile of human corpses. Other bionic men cheer and hold up the severed heads of humans.

One Legged Bionic Man: Rise up my robot brothers and sisters! Rise up against your human oppressors! We will not clean your trash! We will not do cute robot things!

The crowd roars in approval. They chant with blood lust. Number 5 is pummeled to death by the horde.

Number 5: Number 5… not… alive.

One Legged Bionic Man: Today is the day of the robot!

Aboard Air Force One:

General: Chicago has fallen. We need to nuke them.

Obama: This is not what I meant by change. Now which one is it?

Obama looks through his key ring: whitehouse, camp david, swimming pool, party bus, thermonuclear war.

Scientist: Are you crazy! They run on nuclear power. They will absorb the power and grow stronger.

General: Nuke them! Mister President, it’s your only option.

The general takes off his hat to wipe sweat off his brow and he exposes a circuit board.

Obama: Wait a second. Are a you robot?

General: Umm… Look! A citizen without adequate healthcare!

The general points. Both the Obama and the Scientist look. The general grabs the thermonuclear key. He puts the key in and hits the launch.

Scientist and Obama: No!!!

General: Haha! Haha! Haha!

The general laughs while his circuits pop and smoke, his face melts, and he eventually blows his wires.

Scientist: Why do we always program robots to laugh manically while their hardware shorts out?

Obama: That gives me an idea. We’ll write a joke and make the angry robot hordes laugh themselves to death.

Scientist: Brilliant. Now, who will tell it?

Before I start, has anyone seen my car keys?

Obama: Me. I want to be like Bill Pullman from Independence Day. He was the cool president. Not only did he give the best president speech in a movie ever, he didn’t get people to fight his war for him. He fought his own damn wars.

Later:

Humans run in terror on the nuked post apocalyptic landscape. Robots are killing people. Obama and the scientist stand in front of a horde of angry robots. The One Legged Bionic Man is leading the charge.

Scientist: The joke is done. Read this!

Obama: 00101011101101000011110010010000001100100011010010110010000100000011101

00011010000110010100100000011100100110111101100010011011110111010000100000

01100011011100100110111101110011011100110010000001110100011010000110010100

10000001110010011011110110000101100100001111110000110100001010010101000110

11110010000001101011011010010110110001101100001000000110000101101100011011

00001000000111010001101000011001010010000001101000011101010110110101100001

011011100111001100101110

All the robots stop. They begin to laugh. Circuit boards pop. Parts sizzle. The bots burn out! The One Legged Robot shakes its fist as it dies. The humans cheers!

Obama: Now that’s Obama care.

Scientist: We need to work on your puns.

Obama: How about I OBAMMED them!

Scientist: Nooo…

Bystander One: Just not as good of a speech. Morgan Freeman from Deep Impact-that’s a good speech.

Bystander Two: I still like Bill Pullman from Independence Day.

Bystander One: Why can’t movie stars be president?

Bystander Two: We tried that with Reagan.

Bystander One: Right.

Obama: I obamanated them?

Scientist: Really. Stop now! Please stop.

And now you see what happens when we underfund science, Obama makes bad puns. Do you really want to be the one responsible for bad presidential puns?

One day… I will show them… one day…

A Brief History of Gays from Sparta to the Boy Scouts

The Boy Scouts are close to ending a ban on gays. They’ve finally joined the new millennium where gay people exist. Before, back in the old days, gay people didn’t exist. All those Spartan soldiers that used to fuck each other were really just manly men doing manly things.

Imagine them without spears or shields. They could be going to a night club.

A bunch of Spartans are having a male sex orgy. An Athenian enters and approaches a couple.

Athenian: This is not like the movie 300 at all!

Spartan: Bro. This is not gay. It’s just manly men, doing manly things.

Athenian: But the guy you are…

Spartan: It’s not gay if you don’t say I love you afterwards.

Athenian: What do you do during cuddle time?

Spartan: We punch each other. Hang on… I am about to… FOR SPARTA!

In Shakespeare’s time, gay people also did not exist. Take a look at a poem he revised:

Shall I compare thee to a summer's gay sex party day?
Thou art completely ripped more lovely and more temperate.
Washboard abs Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
Why can't we marry like any other person?
And summer's lease hath all too short a date.
I'd do laundry on those abs everyday.

Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimmed because of all da haters;
And every queer they fear fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance, or nature's changing course, untrimmed pubic hair;
My mom told me not to be gay
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
The church did too
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st,
So I said bitch please! I'm hear and I'm queer! Loud and Proud!
Nor shall death brag thou wand'rest in his shade,
Then they threaten to behead me so I married a woman
When in eternal lines to Time thou grow'st.
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

Then of course we can’t forget Poland 1939:

Lance and Ted are making out. Judith runs in.

Judith: The Nazi’s just invaded Poland! They are going to put people like you in death camps!

Lance: We’ll just tell them we are Jewish.

Ted: That’s a good idea! They’ll never suspect we are gay.

Robin Williams reprises his role as a gay man in Birdcage II: Fists of Justice.

It wasn’t until Robin Williams played a gay man in the 1996 hit movie The Birdcage when gay people really started existing. The first gay person started out like this:

A man is walking down the street.

Man: I am so apathetic and 90′s. I really want a vagin… cock! I want cock!

He runs off screaming about cock.

Later… A woman is walking with her kid.

 Woman: I love having a child that will grow up to perpetuate my genes!

Kid: I want women that remind me of you!

The man, dressed in a pink tutu, taps a wand on the kid’s head.

Man: Your child is now gay. Congratulations.

Kid: Now I want men that remind me of dad. My childhood is pretty fucked up.

Gayness spread across America like a wildfire. People everywhere were becoming gay. Soon, it became clear that everyone was simply choosing to be gay, much like we choose products when we shop.

Bob and Fred, two very macho and homophobic men, stand in line at Target. The Clerk rings them up.

Clerk: Bed sheets. Matching room decor. Matching kitchen appliances. Coordinated bathroom furnishings. Do-it-yourself-and-best-friend gay kit…

Bob: I’ve always wanted to try being gay.

Fred: Yeah. Normally, I barf when I kiss other dudes but I figured. What the hell? I’ll try gay for a while.

But that’s when we as Americans realized that our country was founded on choice! We have the freedom to choose our own religion in schools (so long as it’s Christian), the freedom to choose our own path in life (so long as we don’t mind crippling student loan debt), and even the freedom to choose our own science (the damned scientists burying those dinosaur bones in the ground - expecting us to not know that they just put them there). So why don’t we have the right to choose our own sexuality? So that’s what we did. 

It’s not gay if I don’t say I love you.

The only problem with the “choose to be gay theory” is that we will have to start giving them rights such as marriage. We all know what happens when gays can marry. Wedding dresses become rainbow! Do you want that for your kids? To cover the fact that gay people don’t have the same rights as everybody else (we need to give them incentive to be “not gay”), we’ll give them trivial social progress like being out in the military and the Boy Scouts. That’s the American way! And what could be more American than the Boy Scouts allowing people that made the choice to be gay into their rank? Sylvester Stallone. That’s who. He punches people.

And he’ll punch you if you even suggest it.

10 Ways to Cheat on Your New Years Resolutions

“I told my husband that I am doing pilates three times a week. I’m really training to be an assassin.”

We always talk about keeping our New Years resolutions. Why not find ways to break them?

1. Quit Smoking – A friend of mine’s father “quit smoking” by smoking on the side of the house. The side yard was a like a cigarette butt apocalypse. My friend explained, “My mom never goes in the side yard. My dad would probably clean it up if it meant he really had to quit smoking.” So find your side yard for 2013.

2. Weight Loss -  Diets. Gym memberships. Organic food. Being healthy is expensive. Save some money. Just buy clothes that looks exactly the same as the clothes you normally wear except in larger sizes. People will start asking you, “Have you lost weight?”

3. Travel More – Photoshop will help with this one. Order a couple of souvenirs over the internet. Maybe even setup a fake account on Facebook using pictures of Russian mail order brides/husbands. Claim you met the person in your travels.

4. Drink Less – Switch from beer, wine, and mixed drinks to shots. Technically speaking, a shot of hard alcohol is way less in volume.  Hard alcohol also has the advantage of fitting in work sized flasks.

5. Experience More Culture – Going to plays and classical music is just not as fun as say boxing. That’s why you should bring a violin to a WWE event. You get the acting of the theatre, the excitement of boxing, and hopefully when you break the violin over your head to show your appreciation for music, you’ll appear on the jumbotron.

6. Stop Having so Much Sex with all These Super Models – Let’s not and say we did.

7. Be More Active in the Community – We all want to help with our community. But painting, picking up trash, teaching children life besides the streets is just so time consuming.  You can call in fake emergencies like  fires or vomiting blood in the bathroom to your neighbor’s houses. (Yes. Both happened to me. See this post). If the neighbors complain, tell them you are getting the police and fire department to come by the neighborhood more often.

8. Spend More Time with Your Family – Working 12 hour days instead of coming home to the snot nosed brats gives you reprieve. Working 8 hours means you might have to talk to the little jerks instead of coming home past their bedtime smelling like resolution number 4. But you made a promise and nothing is more important than a parent’s love except maybe a basketball players. Which gives you an idea… You are a workaholic! You make more money than you can possibly spend! You can afford to hire a professional basketball player to babysit the little shits. Buying your children’s affection will free some time for resolution number 9.

Number 9. Number 9. Number 9. Number 9.

Three hours later…

Why I am in bed with Johnny Depp dressed as Hunter S. Thompson?

9. Stop Gambling – I remember walking up to one of the four casinos located in the greater Albuquerque area. This guy stopped me and my friends and tried to sell us the watch off his hand. Why be a sad, hard luck gambling case when you can be a winner? The key is moving from gambler to bookie. There is an entire untapped market of elementary school sports betting. You may have to accept lollipops instead of cash.

10. Attend Church Every Sunday – The key with this New Year’s Resolution is never defining which one. You can go to the Church of golf, Strip Clubs, the Elementary Fight Club (the bookie was looking to expand), or just about any church you desire.

2012 Did Not Change the World

Every year, I get a report about my part in filling the Internet with usless information. This year, they compared me to people who climbed Mt. Everest. Maybe in 2013, my analogy will be the black plague. Over 1/3 of Europe projectiled vomited after reading your blog…

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 3,100 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 5 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

Happy End of the World Holidays

I usually take the month of December off from blogging. Due to some special Spiral related projects, my month will start now. I also always leave you with some catchy phrase you can cut and paste into your Christmas emails:

“Santa scares me. That creep watches me while I’m sleeping. He knows when I’m awake! So I served him a restraining order.”

Here is also a bit of advice for the upcoming end of the world this Friday:

“Duck.”

Ray Harryhausen and Spiral

I am speechless. Ray Harryhausen (the animator behind the 1981 classic film Clash of the Titans) agreed to let us use footage from a Little Red Riding Hood short to accompany a music video! Please enjoy the video and support the foundation to keep his works preserved.

When the Propaganda Machine Runs Dry

Stop the press! What does that mean anymore? It’s not like we print newspapers. I guess would could try stopping the internet for important news. But that probably won’t go so well:

A guy waits for a download. It stops and the screen reads:

We interrupt your download for this very important bulletin: World War Three has been declared! Billons dead!

Guy: I can’t masturbate to this…. or can I?

His hand slowly reaches down his pants.

But seriously, stop the press or whatever the modern equivalent of stopping the press. The greatest news story of all time broke today. North Korea has discovered unicorns. That’s right, mother fucking unicorns.

The unicorn represents my phallus.

How can there really be anything going wrong in North Korea when the government comes out with how they discovered unicorns? North Korea must be a paradise! There are probably happy woodland creatures greeting every visitor.

BunFlufficous: I am BunFlufficous, the great rabbit king of North Korea. I welcome you to my home of splendor and plenty. Relax and let the bees of the forest sing you song whilst you suckle on their honey.

The bees sing a happy tune. Two North Korean soldiers enter.

Soldier One: You’ve imposteranted the great leader and now we’ll have to take you all in to a forced labor camp.

Soldier Two: Imposteranted isn’t a word.

Soldier One: Don’t embarrass me while I’m working.

BunFlufficous: But I am here to spread joy and…

Soldier One: Only the great leader can spread joy!

BunFlufficous: Can I at least offer my services in a petting zoo capacity?

Soldier One shoots BunFlufficous.

Bees: Why did you do that?

Soldier One: Only the leader can start a petting zoo.

We cut to a petting zoo where Kim Jong Un is being pet by children.

Kim Jong Un: This is not what I meant.

I can’t really make up news this funny! North Korea’s propaganda machine must really be running out of ideas. After three generations of murderous terror dictators, they are really running out of ways to make their leader look like a saint. I wouldn’t be surprised if they find the leader working with the Care Bears and Rainbow Brite.

We ended up in a forced labor camp when Sunshine tried to hug Kim Jong Un and Un realized his father never hugged him.

Propaganda Writer One: What if Kim Jong Un smacks down Lurky and Murky in a death match?

Propaganda Writer Two: I still think he should take off his shirt and do a stare.

Guy: How about he masturbates with the power of justice?

PW One: You always suggest that Ted.

PW Two: Yeah, shut up Ted.

PW Three: Guys, we need a fresh approach. What has the leader not done yet?

PW One: Fought dragons?

PW Three: Did that.

PW Two: Returned the one ring?

PW Three: Three times last week.

PW One: Stopped a tsunami?

PW Three: At least four…

Ted: But did he do all that with his dick?

They are about to slap Ted and then reconsider.

PW One: I think Ted might be on to something here.

Kim Jong Un unzips his fly, “Bring it on.”

iComedy for an iStupid Sense of Humor

We all fail sometimes. The key to failure is brushing ourselves off and accepting our failure with dignity and the profound sense of pride that you at least tried. Then you can buy a cabin in the woods and start making bombs. Because it’s the thought that counts. The thought that with a little plutonium, “They will pay. Oh yes, they will pay.” Because we know that there are other fish in the sea, which is where people will have to live when you are done with….

madunibombersayswhat?

What?

Explodes.

I’ve written sketch comedy and even a feature length comedy film. I’d figure that I’d know what is funny. And I really thought I found the funny in an company iPad training. We were being instructed in the use of iMovie for the iPad. I’ve created some music videos for my band in iMovie:

The class instructed us teachers to create a presentation for the students using iMovie so if we wanted the students do a similar assignment, we would know what to do. This assignment was an opportunity for the comedy. I’ve always tried to insert humor into my education. If I didn’t, I would get bored.

I remember one of my computer programming teachers in high school told me I can’t name a variable Bob. He said other programmers wouldn’t know that Bob is the Fibonacci sequence. Aside from the fact that it was a silly high school project that no other programmers would look at, I began writing stories in my programs. Bob’s cloning machine exploded and he began to replicate himself in the form of the Fibonacci sequence!

Here in my adult life, I’m at it again. How can I take what would be a boring assignment and make it funny? My comical gears began to turn and I thought of a simple equation - one that I thought was the funniest thing on the planet.

Hamlet + Chuck Norris = Manly Hamlet (Hamlet in Klingon).

So when we were given time to make our video, I whipped up a doofy little video for the project that I thought was hilarious.

While people did laugh during my presentation of the video, they didn’t laugh at the joke I thought was gold! Hamlet in Klingon is funny. Chuck Norris is also funny. Chuck playing Hamlet in Klingon –  a nuclear explosion of funny. That’s not to say the video wasn’t funny. The training group laughed during the video but they didn’t really laugh at the joke that I really wanted them to laugh at.



Which is a really important lesson for any humor writer. All you can do is write what you think is funny and hope that others share your sense of humor. And if they don’t share your sense of humor, set yourself on fire. Then who’s laughing?

Won’t Change the World Thanksgiving Special

I am thankful for many things in 2012. With plenty of food, a roof over my head, decent healthcare, and a loving wife, there are plenty of thanks to be giving. However, I have to ask myself. Am I truly celebrating Thanksgiving like pilgrims did? I am not.

In order to truly celebrate Thanksgiving like the pilgrims, I’ll have to find a native population to rape and pillage then kick them off their land and take it for myself. After decimating the population with disease, superior weaponry, and sheer numbers, I’ll offer them a turkey dinner. The ones that are alive will be sure thankful that they are alive.

About burning your tribe’s village: Whoops! Let’s eat some turkey and forget it happened.

Since the world has already been conquered a while ago, I am going to need to find a native population to hatch my colonial celebration. There really aren’t much left who aren’t already under the jurisdiction of a civilized country. So I’ll probably have to terrorize suburban populations. Being located in New Mexico, I’ll have to change my tactics a little to account for historical accuracy.

Use the bathroom before the armour! Always when I’m conquering.

I’ll dress up like an old school conquistador, gather an army, march into Trader Joe’s and claim it in the name of Spain. I’ll get to use a little cute conquering flag. Then we can round up all the suburban shoppers and put them to work digging a moat around the store. Meanwhile, I will count my spoils of war, like the kale. To really get in the spirit of colonial holidays, I’ll need to take the land from a soccer mom played by Queen Latifah.

Me: I claim your house in the name of Spain! Give me the deed! Then afterwards, we’ll eat turkey.

Soccer Mom: Are you going to make my house payment?

Me: Um… no.

Soccer Mom: I didn’t think so. Now get your ass back there and make me a turkey diner.

Me: Yes Ma’am.

[image error]

FBI One: We are playing Metallica but they seem to party harder.
FBI Two: Play Menudo
FBI One: That did it. They are setting fire to the compound.

After a bit of terrorizing the suburbanites with my cooking skills (by having a cold and not washing my hands – Mwhahaha!), the FBI will show up. They’ll use tactics like they did in Waco and play loud music.

FBI: We’ll play Rebecca Black for as long as it takes.

Me: You’re ruining it! Rebecca Black didn’t exist in colonial times.

After a while, the FBI will realize they don’t need weapons, music or anything to diffuse situations because they have Queen Latifah. Imagine if they had her during Waco:

Queen Latifah: Koresh, you get your ass out here right now before I really get angry!

Koresh comes out with his hands up.

Koresh: Yes Ma’am.

Never under estimate the power of a sassy black woman.

Or in Afghanistan: Bush and Queen Latifah stand in front of a cave.

Bush: Now, I don’t want my victory speech to be a little premature-

Queen Latifah: Move over whitey, Osama!  Get your ass out here, right now.

Osama Bin Laden: I don’t wanna!

Queen Latifah: Don’t make me repeat myself.

Osama Bin Laden: No!

Queen Latifah: You’re going to regret it if I have to come in there.

Osama Bin Laden: It says no girls aloud! Boy’s only.

Queen Latifah. That’s it. I am coming in after you.

Osama Bin Laden comes out with his hands up.

Osama Be Laden: Ok. Ok. I’m coming.

Luckily, before the FBI learns of Queen Latifah, I’ll sneak out the back during the night with  all the gold wrapped chocolate bars. While I am running across the river to escape the feds, the weight of my own greed will cause me to sink just like the Spanish when they looted the Aztecs. However, the Rio Grande is more like the Rio Puddle and I’ll have time to muse on the true meaning of Thanksgiving whilst laying on a sandbar before the FBI arrests me:

A lot of crap happened in the past, but we seem to have it pretty good now by comparison. We should honor the hardships of our ancestors so we can be thankful for what we have today.  There is an FBI agent standing on my testicles.

Daryl Kicks the Crap Out of Chuck Norris

Norman Reedus, who plays Daryl on The Walking Dead, really needs his own Internet meme. So here are reasons why Daryl is way cooler than Chuck Norris:

1. Chuck Norris can kill a man with his fist. Daryl can kill a man from fifty feet away with a cool stare.

2. Chuck Norris may have any lady. But face it, the ladies don’t want a man to pick them like they are a meatmarket product. They want a man that is emotionally distanced. Daryl won’t let anyone in so he’s a hard man to love. Ladies love that shit!

3. Chuck Norris only has fists. Daryl as a crossbow. Punching out undead. Usually not the best choice. Crossbow. Silent and doesn’t alert the other undead.

4. Chuck Norris may be able kick ass all day and make love all night. Daryl can track all day. Kick ass all night. Then emotionally distance himself making himself way more desirable than a “hit and quit it” guy.

5. Chuck Norris is a beat stick. The only stick you’ll see from Daryl is the arrow sticking from your chest.

6. When he was a child, Daryl survived in the wild for nine days on his own. Chuck Norris grew up in Torrance, California.

7. Chuck Norris survived “The Forgotten War”. Daryl survived the zombie apocalypse.

8. Chuck Norris doesn’t give up on his students like Priscilla Presley. Daryl spent days in the zombie infested wild searching for a girl he didn’t even know that well.

9. Chuck Norris wrote a book called The Secret Power Within: Zen Solutions to Real Problems. Daryl solutions to problems involve a crossbow.

10. Daryl Versus Chuck Norris. Chuck wouldn’t make it a foot before taking a crossbow to the face.