J.D. Rhoades's Blog, page 47

What The Heck Do They WANT?

I'm Blogging today at Murderati about the greatest mystery of all: what do readers really want?

Review: THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO by Stieg Larsson

My rating: 2 of 5 stars

Boy, does this book need an editor. There's actually a pretty good mystery here, but it's buried under layers of tedious exposition, unnecessary description, and especially Stieg Larsson's transparent Mary Sue-ism.

For those who aren't familiar with the term, a "Mary Sue" is a derogatory term in fan fiction for a character that is just a little too good to be true, and who is clearly an avatar of the writer. A Mary Sue character's painfully obvious purpose is fantasy fulfillment for said writer.

In this case, the late Stieg Larsson, a middle-aged Swedish magazine writer, has penned a novel about...a middle-aged Swedish magazine writer. Every woman in the book, including the title character, wants to sleep with him, because he's such a nice, mellow, undemanding guy. He solves a mystery that no one else could. After he solves the mystery, he spends a completely unnecessary 100+ more pages getting his revenge against people who were mean to him at the beginning of the book. And so on.

All that said, once the story actually gets going, it's interesting enough to keep you reading. I did finish it, but I doubt that I'll be reading the next two. I'll take a friend's advice and just watch the movies on Netflix.

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So Government CAN Create Jobs?

Latest Newspaper Column:

Hey, remember when it was an article of faith for Republicans that government couldn't create jobs?

Remember how back in those days, the speaker of the House, Bawlin' John Boehner, said in the weekly Republican address to the nation, "Small businesses are the engine of job creation in America; they actually create jobs, the government doesn't"?

Wow, I remember that like it was just last week. Well, actually, it was two weeks ago, but who's counting?

Boehner was just following the party line set by former GOP Chairman Michael Steele, who stated unequivocally back during the heated debate over the stimulus bill that "not in the history of mankind has the government ever created a job."

Well, apparently, South Carolina Republican Lindsey Graham didn't get that memo. Graham pitched a hissy fit last week over the fact that the recent budget deal that prevented a government shutdown left out a project dear to his heart: a $50,000 study on deepening the port of Charleston.

Now, 50K may not seem like a whole lot of money in a trillion-plus-dollar budget. But the lack of that money sent Graham so ballistic that he threatened to "tie the Senate in knots" and block every one of President Obama's pending nominations if he didn't get it back. Reports that he would hold his breath till he turned blue could not be confirmed at press time.

Of course, the actual deepening of the port and the channel would cost a heck of a lot more than 50,000 smackers; in fact, the estimate at this point is $350 million. The $50,000 would just be for the study on whether the port should be deepened to accommodate bigger cargo ships. In my ongoing campaign that I call "I'll Do It For Half That," I will answer that question "Yes," but only if the government sends me $25,000. Cash or cashier's check preferred.

When questioned as to why this little chunk of pork was worth tying the Senate in knots over, Graham apparently forgot the doctrine that government spending is useless for job creation. Federal spending on the port of Charleston, he asserted, would create jobs.

"If you're a Republican and you want to create jobs, then you need to invest in infrastructure that will allow us to create jobs," he said. "How can you create jobs by shutting a port down that 260,000 people depend on?"

It's just another example of the cognitive dissonance that allowed 114 politicians, almost all of them Republicans, to bitterly oppose the stimulus package, vote against it, wail after it passed that it was the Death of the Republic — then not only to accept stimulus funds for projects in their districts, but to take credit for bringing those projects home and, in some cases, actually attend the ribbon-cutting for those projects.

Because remember, to a tea partier, it's not "government spending" if money or services flow to them. To a politician, it's only "pork" or "earmarks" if it goes to someone else's district. And to all Republicans, it's "job-killing" if it's something President Obama wants; it's "job-creating" if it's something they want, and never mind the reality.

This may be why, according to a recent poll by the organization Public Policy Polling, "after a little more than three months in charge, House Republicans have fallen so far out of favor with the American public that it's entirely possible Democrats could take back control of the House next year."

According to the most recent PPP survey, "43 percent of voters think that House Republicans are doing a worse job now than the Democrats did, compared to only 36 percent who think the GOP has brought an improvement," and that "46 percent of voters say that if there was an election for Congress today they would vote Democratic, compared to only 41 percent who would vote Republican."

So, new bosses who look just the same as the old boss, let me ask you the question I heard ad nauseum during the first two years of the Obama Presidency: How's that change thing workin' for ya?

HOW I CAME TO WRITE THIS BOOK

Over at Patti Abbot's blog pattinase, I guest blog on the subject of HOW I CAME TO WRITE THIS BOOK.

BONESHAKER, Cherie Priest

Boneshaker by Cherie Priest

My rating: 3 of 5 stars


Okay, I confess, you had me at "steampunk zombie airship adventure." I had to pick this one up after that.

Sixteen years ago, Leviticus Blue tested the Boneshaker, a magnificent machine built to tunnel into the ice in the frozen Yukon and dig out the gold sealed there. Unfortunately, the test went horribly awry, and a huge chunk of the newly founded city of Seattle caved in. Worse, the excavation released a poisonous gas that turned people into ravenous flesh-eating zombies. Now, the city is sealed behind an apparently impenetrable brick wall.

Briar Wilkes, Levi Blue's widow, ekes out a meager living on the Outskirts, the part of the city that remains outside the wall. She's a pariah, harassed by people who take out their anger for the destruction of the city on her. Her son Ezekiel goes under the wall to seek the answers that will clear his father's name. Briar goes after him. As it turns out, more than zombies live inside the wall, and there are more secrets than even Ezekiel suspects...

The good: this book really moves. You get right into the adventure, and there's flying and fighting and running and more fighting all the way through. And the steampunk setting and alternate history brilliantly uphold the Rule of Cool.

The bad: it's hard to really become engaged with these characters. Briar's aptly named, and Ezekiel just makes you want to smack him. Unfortunately, Priest is so eager to get you into the above-mentioned running and flying and fighting etc. that it's not till later in the book that you get beyond that to the place where you start to care if they live or die. That makes parts of the book a bit of a slog, airships and zombies notwithstanding.

Also, while Priest does provide some explanation as to why people would continue to inhabit a walled city where the very air can kill you if you're not ripped to shreds and eaten by the walking dead, it's never a really satisfying explanation. I mean, I know the Civil War's still raging back east, but hello? Zombies? Briar's revelation at the end was even more implausible, IMHO.

All that said, it was a quick, fun read, and worth picking up.

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I Feel Cheated We Don't Get the Day Off For This

Thanks to Dave Barry, I am reminded that today is International Louie Louie Day, which "provides an annual opportunity to celebrate the song that has been called best party song of all time, has been recorded more times than any other rock song in history, and was very nearly declared the official state song of Washington State."

Here's Iggy Pop's version:



So what'd you get me?

Crazy For Half the Price: I Submit Myself As a Candidate To Replace Glenn Beck

Latest Newspaper Column: The Pilot

This past week, the world of ­broadcasting was rocked by the news that Fox News host Glenn Beck would be leaving his five-day-a-week show on that TV network in the near future.

Beck's announcement on the show was delivered in his classic Drama-Queen-of-the-Apocalypse style; he warned ominously of "dark waters ahead" and ­compared himself to Paul Revere, who "had to get off the horse eventually" and "go back to silversmithing."

He promised, ­however, that "we will find each other again." He did not, however, burst into tears, so I'll have to give that ­performance only eight out of a possible 10 stars.

I've got to tell you, folks, this is ­getting plumb frustrating. First I find out, as I reported a couple of weeks ago, that Sarah Palin is beginning to suffer from slipping favorability ratings. Now I find out I'm not going to have Glenn Beck to make fun of anymore.

(We will have to pause for a moment. Now that I've mentioned Sarah Palin in a column, even in passing, we have to give her die-hard fans a chance to rush to their ­computers and compose the usual blizzard of "why-are-you- picking-on-Sarah-you-must-be-afraid-of-her-leave Sarah-alooooooone!" letters. It's a Pavlov's dogs kind of thing. The poor things can't help it. OK, back now? Let's continue.)

Speculation abounds as to the reasons behind the sudden announcement. Some point to Beck's slipping ratings, which were down a whopping 30 percent from last year. Others point to the exodus of ­advertisers fearful of boycotts, or perhaps fearful that advertising exclusively to the paranoid and resentful might not provide sufficient market ­penetration.

Still others mention the frequent clashes Beck and his staff had with Fox execs, or the rumors that the news staff was growing increasingly uncomfortable with Beck.

Whatever the reason, there will soon be an open spot in Fox's lineup. And your Humble Columnist knows the clarion call of opportunity ringing loud and clear when he hears it. So, dear readers, I am offering my services to the Fox Network. I am the man they need to replace Glenn Beck. After all, I've done TV. One of my first jobs was in radio. And, most important, I can be absolutely raving crazy for half the price.

I can sense the doubt in some of you. I know that there are those who think I can't possibly equal Glenn Beck when it comes to lunacy. You think there's no way I can top stunts like portraying financier George Soros as a "puppetmaster" — using actual puppets.

You think I don't possess the bizarre sense of self-importance that would allow me to defend myself against my critics by quoting that famous poem about Jews and the Holocaust ("When they're done with Fox," Beck said, "and you decide to speak out on something. The old, 'first they came for the Jews, and I wasn't Jewish.'")

You think I can't get up in front of a camera with a chalkboard and draw an intricate and convoluted web of ­conspiracy that looks like something drawn by Russell Crowe's schizophrenic mathematician character in "A Beautiful Mind," one that links Woodrow Wilson, ACORN, Soros and the Rothschild ­family.

You think I can't manage the kind of cognitive ­dissonance that lets me claim in one moment that I love America and in the next chortle with glee that we didn't get to host the Olympics.

O ye of little faith. I tell you, I can be that insane. I may have to stay up for three days straight and down an entire bottle of straight tequila, but I know I can do that. I've done it before. The results aren't going to be pretty, but I can make the sacrifice. Did I mention I'll do it for half the price they've been paying Beck?

I'll have to get a chalkboard from somewhere. Manly man that I am, I may have to get some ­glycerin drops for my eyes so I can cry on command, but these are trivial matters.

Help me out here, folks. Write or e-mail Fox and tell them to give me a shot. It's my destiny. It's America's ­destiny. Without me, the socialists win and the country becomes a Muslim Caliphate ruled by secular Marxist Islamist fascists, Al Gore and the New Black Panther Party. I'm so terrified I'm ­weeping, and you should be too.

See? And that's just a sample. So what are you ­waiting for?

Internationally Known Blowhard, Redux: LAWYERS, GUNS & MONEY Down Under

I've got an interview over at the Australian blog Indie eBooks, and there's a short excerpt from Lawyers Guns and Money. Thanks to Nadine for being a gracious host!

He Must Be a Writer (Click for Full Size)

Hey, Kids, Let's Put On a Show!

Blogging over at Murderati today about the new musical penned by Stephen King and John Mellencamp....and how we can get on this bandwagon.