Leslie Glass's Blog, page 393

When You’re Addicted To Being A Hero

Before I found recovery, I loved helping other people who were suffering. The problem was they didn’t think they were suffering, nor did they want my help. I thought I was being a good Samaritan, but I was really addicted to being a hero. This week, I got to see why my rescuing never rescued anyone.

Beware Of Strangers Selling Food Out A Shopping Cart

He looked at me. I hesitated, and in that split-second, the needy man in the parking lot pounced. I assumed he’d say:

He need money for gas
He was out of work
His car broke-down car.

In the past, I would have given him cash and spent weeks wondering about this poor man.  Spending weeks worrying about a drifter is a sign of codependency. Yes, my friends, I used to form unhealthy attachments that fast. In fact, a pre-recovery me would have tried to find this man a few weeks later just to check on him.

Will I Rush Back To Being A Hero?

This man, however, didn’t want a handout. Instead, he was selling flan, a Spanish custard-like dessert in five delicious flavors, to raise money for a new recovery house in central Florida. He had me at “Recovery.”

He Was Really Selling Step 12

My new flan-selling friend had a familiar look. I see it on the faces of friends I’ve met in the rooms and even when I look in the mirror. It’s an enthusiastic blend of gratitude and peace; it’s the look we have when we FINALLY make it to Step 12,

“Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message and practice these principles in all our affairs.”

Our recovery becomes contagious.

Being A Hero Prevents Rock Bottom

I couldn’t help but wonder, if I had been friends with this man, would my addiction to being a hero have been strong enough to keep us both sick? Before I found recovery, he was exactly the type of person I would set out to save. I would have spent countless hours begging, pleading and shaming him into abandoning his harmful addiction. When I tried to help others like this, it usually drove them deeper into addiction. Or they avoided me, or lied to me.

Yet he found recovery, the way we all do, by hitting rock bottom.

The absence of a heroic rescue let this man become miserable enough to do something different and stop the insanity. Misery propelled him to race away from his addiction and gave him the deep motivation that’s crucial to sustaining a long-term recovery.

When my sister was dying, no one rushed in to save me from my emotional distress, and that void sent me looking for recovery. Her death, while unjust and unfathomable to me, spurred me to find a different way to live.

Seeing him work his Step 12 let me see how far I’ve come. I didn’t try to fix him with a Bible verse; I listened to his story without opinions or suggestions. Nor did I lose weeks of serenity by worrying about this stranger because I’m also propelled by a deep desire to never go back to living the way I used to – putting anyone and anything ahead of what was best for me.

Many who struggle with codependency have been affected by someone else’s addiction. You too can recover. Find therapists and support groups at Recovery Guidance.

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Are You A Transformational Leader

There are people in the world who just have that magic attitude that inspires others. They approach life with a certain curiosity and resilience, asking questions without getting attached to the outcomes. These are transformational leaders.

The answer doesn’t matter – they ask away! A “no” merely sends them in the direction of a possibility that they had not yet considered… until that moment. A shift in perspective takes them on a path that results in stretch and growth. Every adventure is viewed as an opportunity.

Transformational Leaders Are Not Moved

They listen as you vent and then will you to move forward again; role models of positivity are they. They don’t negate your feelings, instead they guide you in uncovering that which makes you feel stuck. These are transformational leaders; invested in putting more transformational leaders into the world.

They don’t rely on the typical transaction that occurs between a leader and a follower, there is no exchange of information or tit-for-tat. These leaders are people who have no problem challenging the status quo, they stimulate and motivate and influence on an emotional level.

Transromational Leaders Are Movers

They have a vision and a passion for change and a willingness to start with themselves. To discover and uncover, to root out complacency and to be fearless. These are the people who don’t wait to be discovered, instead they are the people who discover for themselves.

Are you one of these people? Do you revel in taking action? Do you see opportunity and growth in your life? Is there space in your schedule to discover? As we look back on January’s resolutions…do we need a do-over? If so, clean out your fridge, pantry, desk, car, wallet or schedule and make room for transformation in this new year. There’s still time to transform.

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Florida House Declares Pornography A Public Health Risk

From Nicole Darrah @ Fox News: Florida lawmakers on Tuesday declared pornography a health risk, and called for more research on its effects.

The House of Representatives approved a resolution, which states there needs to be more education, research and policy changes to protect Florida residents from porn.

“Research has found a correlation between pornography use and mental and physical illnesses, difficulty forming and maintaining intimate relationships, unhealthy brain development and cognitive function, and deviant, problematic or dangerous sexual behavior,” Republican Rep. Ross Spano told the state’s House Health & Human Services Committee in January.

Democratic Rep. Carlos Guillermo Smith criticized Tuesday’s vote, saying there are more important issues — such as gun control — that should be looked at by the House.

“17 pp in Parkland were just murdered w/an AR-15, + the FL House just passed @RossSpano’s HR 157 declaring PORN as a public health risk,” the rep tweeted. “No, GUN VIOLENCE is a public health crisis + Spano blocked HB 219 banning assault weapons in his committee for 2 yrs.”

The House voted down a rejected ban on large-capacity magazines and weapons such as the AR-15, which was used by alleged Florida high school shooter Nikolas Cruz.

A similar resolution is in the state Senate and has yet to be heard in a committee.

The Associated Press contributed to this report.

Need help with a pornography or sexual addiction? Visit Recovery Guidance to find treatment and addiction physicians near you.

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When Codependency Is Compassion

Sometimes, people think that they’re codependent when they’re not – they are simply being compassionate and are care-taking of others. This is being a good family member, friend, or other loved one, for you are offering the best of yourself to others’ in need. Remember, it becomes codependency only when the behavior harms you and/or enables the other person (typically the addict). This is when caring becomes negative for both you (the loved one) and the person with an addiction. Let’s explore a story; this story is based on a true event that happened when this author was a therapist in a women’s long-term residential treatment center (name and details changed to protect identities).

The event took place on a weekend and as I was not on call that weekend, I did not find out about the situation until I returned on Monday. One of the women in treatment (Susan) was given a weekend pass to spend time with her husband on Saturday and Sunday. She was awaiting his arrival when the horrific happened – he called to tell her their son had been killed in a car accident. She was obviously in tremendous grief and was in the progress of taking a cab to go to the hotel to meet her husband. As she was crying and beyond comforting, the weekend staff and the on-call staff person wanted her to stay at the residential center. All Susan could focus on was getting to the hotel to wait for her husband. The staff told her she could not do that and it became a power struggle between a grieving parent and staff. Obviously, the woman needed significant compassion from staff as well as from her peers. During this struggle, the cab came to pick her up. Staff threatened her for leaving treatment AMA (against medical advice) but she was adamant she was going to go be with her husband. At this time, one of her peers stepped in and said she would go with Susan and stay with her until her husband arrived. This now became another threat to this client, Ann, who was also threatened that she too would be kicked out of treatment if she left. Ann then left with Susan and stayed at the motel until Susan’s husband arrived, and then Ann came back to treatment (and sober). She was told that she would be dealt with on Monday when the entire staff was available, but that she would probably be kicked out.

So think about this – was this compassion and caring or was it enabling and codependent? As a client, what would you have done – either as Susan or Ann? If you were a counselor, what would you have done if you were the on-call person? Or if you were a counselor coming into the situation on Monday?

When I returned on Monday, some people were saying that Ann should be discharged for violating rules and for enabling Susan with codependent behavior. I was horrified with this thinking. For Ann made a much more loving, compassionate, and caring decision than did the staff and the on-call therapist who should have come into work and stayed with Susan at either the facility or the motel – wherever Susan felt more comfortable. In this situation, Ann, a client, made a much healthier decision than staff and acted out of compassion, not codependency. It is what any person should have done but unfortunately, the staff was into controlling behavior (their own codependency issues). I confronted staff and honored Ann for doing what she did; this was not done in codependency but done in love.

So please understand the difference between compassion and codependency. Do not pathologize compassion, for compassion is what heals us, everyone around us, and the Earth and the Cosmos. Compassion is higher-level behavior; codependency is lower-level behavior and you can choose which way to empower yourself and to empower others.

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Codependency Beyond Enabling

We hear and read so much about codependency and enabling that it can become confusing for there are many definitions and beliefs regarding this condition.

Melody Bettie, author of Codependent No More defines codependency like this:

“A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior”

With this definition, we see that our power is given away to the other person who has an addiction or other dysfunctional condition and we become dysfunctional ourselves. While our initial goal was to help the loved one, instead we become controlling, angry, frustrated, sad, berating, reactive, and destructive. When care and compassion become problematic, then we are looking at codependency.

“Codependents appear to be depended upon, but they are dependent. They look strong but feel helpless. They appear controlling but in reality are controlled themselves, sometimes by an illness such as alcoholism.”

Enabling is a part of codependency. Enabling is when we help someone stay in their addiction. For example, if our partner gets angry when he finds himself out of beer, we go to the store and buy it for him in order to keep peace in the family. Likewise, if a parent is a compulsive eater and morbidly obese, we may drive to a fast-food restaurant to load up on unhealthy food for her in order to be left alone instead of constantly being berated for not helping the parent when she feels she needs food.

Common Symptoms of Codependency and Enabling

Excessive care taking: Doing things for loved one they can do themselves. Doing too much
Low self-worth: Feeling bad about yourself. This can also occur when loved one doesn’t appreciate what is being done and always wants more
Repression of feelings: This is also called stuffing, when feelings are so intense and painful but are not expressed to loved ones or anyone else.
Obsession: focusing inappropriately on other issues
Controlling: try to control other people and situations
Denial: ignoring or pretending problems don’t exist
Dependency: struggle with healthy relationships
Poor communication: struggle to discuss issues in a healthy manner, blaming others, feeling
Anger and blaming others
Weak Boundaries : unable to set or follow up with “no means no” and “yes means yes”
Lack of trust: no trust in self, others, or a Higher Power
Intimacy Issues: issues surrounding sex and love
Difficulty having fun and enjoying life
Struggles with responsibility
Difficulty with compassion  unable to respond in a healthy, caring manner

The Roller Coaster Of Emotions Associated With Codependency Enabling

Codependency brings a rollercoaster of emotions, reactions and behaviors that can make you feel like you’re crazy. You may experience one or many of the following on an ongoing basis.

Guilt

Shame

Sadness

Loneliness

Happiness/peaceful-ness

Pain

Hopeless/helpless,

Excitement/depression

Anxiety

Suicidal thoughts

Self-defeating or self-destructive behaviors

If You Have Many Of These Symptoms

Codependency is extremely complicated.  It often involves destructive conditioning both from childhood  which leads to more destructive conditioning in adult relationships, and which in turn play forward into unhealthy relationships with children.

If you have two of these symptoms, it doesn’t mean you’re codependent, but if a number of symptoms and feelings are present in your life, it reveals that you probably have some level of codependency. However, this is not a blame game. It’s a something that can be treated and you can recover. Please remember that most codependents start their process with wanting to care take others, and their actions are motivated by compassion.

It is only when such compassion and care taking  become overwhelming and problematic that we see that it has grown into a negative pattern. Negative patterns can be reversed, and you can recover.

Try Codependency Anonymous meetings or Al-Anon meetings, talk to friends and family, or see a therapist. And finally, continue to explore this site for further information regarding addictions and codependency. The more you know the easier it will be to respond in a healthy manner to whatever situation faces you.

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What Is Huffing? Man Found Dead in New York

A man has been found dead in New York City surrounded by almost two dozen aerosol cans, after he apparently “huffed” compressed air.

A friend discovered the 32-year-old face-down on his couch at his apartment in Manhattan, at around 2:00 pm Eastern time on Sunday, a source from the New York Police Department told the New York Post. First responders pronounced him dead at the scene.

The man was found beside 22 aerosol cans of compressed air and had one in his mouth.

The man’s death is the latest to be connected to inhalant abuse, in which individuals breathe products such as compressed air computer dusters in order to achieve a high. Earlier this month, Fox 9 News reported the death of a father from Minnesota who died after inhaling compressed air a few days before Thanksgiving. Dr. Travis Olives, associate medical director of the Minnesota Poison Control System, told the news outlet that he deals with around 300 cases a year.

At least 21 million Americans age 12 and older report having used inhalants at least once in their lives, according to the National Institute on Drug Abuse(NIDA). Children and young people are the demographic most likely to “huff” or “sniff” inhalants because they typically have less access access to other drugs.

Aerosols, solvents, gases and nitrates prescribed for chest pain are misused as inhalants. These include household items such as spray paints, glues and cleaning fluids, according to the American Addiction Center. Harmful chemicals such as toluene in aerosols and difluoroethane in compressed air cleaners are what cause the high, which lasts for a few minutes.

Users report a sensation of lightheadedness, euphoria and in some cases hallucinations. Inhalants can cause a person to slur their speech and lose coordination of their body. Such substances can cause sudden death by heart failure, suffocation, seizures and choking.

Long-term use can damage the liver and kidneys, cause limb spasms, delay behavioral development and result in brain damage.

If a person becomes addicted to inhalants, withdrawal symptoms can include nausea, tremors, irritability, problems sleeping and mood changes.

Turning aerosol cans into recreational drugs is most common among children and young adults.

This content was originally published in Newsweek

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What Are Inhalants

Inhalants fall into the following four categories

Volatile Solvents are liquids that vaporize when exposed to air at room temperature. They are found in numerous household cleaning products and industrial items.
Aerosols are sprays that contain solvents and propellants. They include spray-paint and various other types of sprays.
Gases include those used in household and commercial products as well as medical anesthetics. Medical anesthetic gases include ether, chloroform, and nitrous oxide (“laughing gas” or “whippets”), the most abused of these gases.
Nitrites do not act directly on the central nervous system like most other inhalants; they primarily act to dilate blood vessels and relax the muscles. The two most commonly abused nitrites are amyl and butyl nitrite. “Poppers” or “snappers” are slang terms for small bottles of nitrites.

Inhalants can be household products

Many of these chemicals are found in common household products. As a result, peak use occurs around the 8th grade. In fact, NIDA’s Monitoring The Future survey shows that about 20 percent of 8th graders have abused inhalants at some point.  Many young people use inhalants in search of a quick and easy intoxication, but remain unaware of the serious health consequences that can result from this risky behavior. For example, Sudden Sniffing Death Syndrome (SSDS) can occur after the individual’s first use. SSDS is caused by a sudden, unexpected disturbance in the heart’s rhythm.

Physical Effects

The effects of inhalant abuse resemble those of alcohol intoxication. When these chemical vapors are inhaled, the body becomes starved of oxygen, forcing the heart to beat more rapidly in order to increase blood flow to the brain. The high begins after a few seconds and can include dizziness, distortion in perceptions of time and space, and stimulant effects. This high lasts just a few minutes; however, users will often repeatedly use in order to sustain the high. After the initial effects of inhalant use begin to wear off, the senses become depressed and a sense of lethargy may arise as the user’s body attempts to restore proper blood flow to the brain. Many users experience headache, nausea or vomiting, slurred speech, loss of motor coordination, and wheezing.

The following parts of the body can be affected by inhalant abuse

Acoustic nerve and muscle – Damage to the cells that relay sound to the brain may cause deafness.
Blood – Inhalants can drastically reduce the amount of oxygen able to be carried in the blood.
Bone marrow – Vapors containing benzene have been shown to cause leukemia.
Brain – Damage can occur in the cerebral cortex and cerebellum, resulting in personality changes, memory impairment, hallucinations, loss of coordination, and slurred speech.
Heart – Sudden sniffing death syndrome (SSDS) is an unexpected disturbance in the heart’s rhythm, and can cause heart failure.
Kidneys – The kidneys lose their ability to control the amount of acid in the blood. Also, kidney stones may develop.
Liver – Accumulation of fatty tissue may cause liver damage.
Lungs – Repeated use can damage lungs and impair breathing.
Muscle – Inhalant abuse can lead to muscle deterioration and reduced muscle tone and strength. Peripheral nervous system – Damage to the nerves can cause tingling, numbness, or paralysis.
Skin – A severe rash, known as “glue-sniffer’s rash,” may develop around the nose and mouth.

Psychological Effects

Users usually experience a “head rush” when using inhalants. This is a short-lived high that involves a distortion of reality (visual and auditory) and a loss of inhibition. During the peak of this high, users are often compelled to sit in a stupor and giggle – this explains why nitrous oxide is commonly referred to as “laughing gas.” Both short-term and long-term inhalant use has been shown to cause brain damage, hindering transmission of information.

Methods of Use

Inhalants may be sniffed directly from an open container or “huffed” from a rag soaked in the substance and held to the face. In addition, the open container or soaked rag can be placed in a bag where the vapors become concentrated before being inhaled. Aerosols are sometimes inhaled from a spray bottle, using a rag as a filter. Users commonly inhale nitrous oxide by breathing from nitrous-filled balloons.

Slang Terms for Inhalants

Nitrous Oxide
Laughing Gas
Whippets
Hippie Crack
Buzz Bomb

Amyl Nitrate

Poppers
Boppers
Ames
Amies
Amys
Pearls

Isobutyl Nitrate

Poppers
Quicksilver
Rush
Snappers
Thrust
Locker Room
Aroma of Men
Bullet
Bolt
Climax
Hardware

Use & Users:

Using inhalants

Bagging,
Glading
Huffing
Snorting

Inhalant User

Airhead
Bagger
Huffer
Cracker – Tool used to open a canister of nitrous oxide

Indicators of inhalant abuse may include

Paint or stains on the body or clothing
Hidden rags, cloths, or empty containers
Spots or sores around the mouth or nose
Red or runny eyes and nose
A chemical odor on the breath
A dazed or dizzy appearance
Loss of appetite
Excitability
Irritability
Problems in school (failing grades, learning problems, absences)
Memory loss
General apathy

Sustained inhalant use can cause tolerance; in addition, withdrawal symptoms develop after use is stopped. These symptoms can include

Sweating
Rapid pulse
Hand tremors
Insomnia
Nausea
Vomiting
Physical agitation
Anxiety
Hallucinations
Seizures.

Paraphernalia

Some paraphernalia that can indicate abuse of inhalants include

Nitrous canisters
Canister “crackers”
Large balloons
Small bottles or vials containing liquid
Empty bottles
Whipped cream containers
Rags
Suspicious collections of household products.

A listing of products often abused as inhalants.

Volatile solvents—liquids that vaporize at room temperature
Industrial or household products, including paint thinners or removers, degreasers, dry-cleaning fluids, gasoline and lighter fluid
Art or office supply solvents, including correction fluids, felt-tip marker fluid, electronic contact cleaners, and glue
Aerosols—sprays that contain propellants and solvents
Household aerosol propellants in items such as spray paints, hair or deodorant sprays, fabric protector sprays, aerosol computer cleaning products, and vegetable oil sprays
Gases—found in household or commercial products and used as medical anesthetics
Household or commercial products, including butane lighters and propane tanks, whipped cream aerosols or dispensers (whippets), and refrigerant gases
Medical anesthetics, such as ether, chloroform, halothane, and nitrous oxide (“laughing gas”)
Nitrites—used primarily as sexual enhancers
Organic nitrites are volatiles that include cyclohexyl, butyl, and amyl nitrites, commonly known as “poppers.” Amyl nitrite is still used in certain diagnostic medical procedures.
When marketed for illicit use, organic nitrites are often sold in small brown bottles labeled as “video head cleaner,” “room odorizer,” “leather cleaner,” or “liquid aroma.”

•                NIDA Inhalants Infofax

 

Courtesy The University of Maryland

If you or someone you know is having a problem with inhalants, visit Recovery Guidance the free and safe resource to find addiction and mental health professionals near you.

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When The Men Are Abused

Men are abused at an alarming rate and often do not seek help. This is Eric’s story of abuse. Eric and Andrea seemed like a perfect couple. They had cookouts and went camping; they hid the abuse well.

How It Began

The first “incident” happened in September. Eric didn’t show up for my birthday celebration because he tripped on the dog and fell down the stairs. The second time he tripped, I dismissed the sick feeling and said, “They should really put carpet or something on those stairs.” Other small incidents happened – bruises here, sprains there. I knew they drank a lot of beer, so I told myself maybe that was causing the injuries.

On Christmas morning Eric was taken to the emergency room. Andrea had attacked him with a baseball bat. The injuries were serious and he required multiple stitches. He had two black eyes, a broken nose, and a few broken ribs. He spent two nights in the hospital and could no longer keep the abuse a secret.

After the hospital stay, Eric didn’t go home. Instead, he stayed with a friend. Two weeks later, when the wounds had healed, he went back. A month later she attacked him again, this time by pushing him down the stairs. Eric moved back home, but still talks with Andrea. They continue to pretend as though nothing happened.

Eric’s Story Isn’t Uncommon

As many as 1 in 3 victims of domestic violence are male. The National Hotline for Domestic Violence reports that:

One in seven U.S. men ages 18 and over in the U.S. has been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in his lifetime
One in 10 men has experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner
In 2013, 13% of documented contacts to the National Domestic Violence Hotline identified themselves as male victims

Ways Men Are Abused

According to Helpguide.org:

To make up for any difference in strength, your partner may attack while you’re asleep or try to catch you by surprise. Your partner may also use a weapon, such as a gun or knife, or strike you with an object, abuse or threaten your children, or harm your pets.

Domestic abuse is not limited to physical violence. Your spouse or partner may also:

Verbally abuse the man, belittle him, or humiliate him in front of friends, colleagues, or family, or on social media sites
Be possessive, act jealous, or harass him with accusations of being unfaithful
Take away his car keys or medications, try to control where he can go and who he sees
Try to control how he spends money or deliberately defaults on joint financial obligations
Makes false allegations about him to his friends, employer, or the police, or find other ways to manipulate and isolate him
Threaten to leave him and prevents the man from seeing his kids if he reports the abuse
Forces the man to have sex or engage in sexual acts against his will
Blames the man for the partner’s violent behavior and tells the man he deserves it

Stumbling Blocks: Why Is It So Hard To Leave?

Men are often taught from an early age to hide their feelings or ignore them completely and they shouldn’t hit girls. They are told to just “suck it up.”

According to Helpguide.org, it’s difficult to leave any abusive relationship, but men in particular face:

Skepticism from police
Major legal obstacles, especially when it comes to gaining custody of his children from an abusive mother
Shame from being hurt by a woman
A lack of resources and support specifically geared towards men

What A Man Can Do When Trapped In An Abusive Relationship

A partner will often follow up incidences of abuse with apologies and promises to never harm again. A partner will even promise to go to counseling or take a class. This is a common cycle of abuse. Be on guard until you actually see changes. It’s a good idea to:

Keep at least $20 cash and car keys in your pocket at all times
Have your phone and legal documents close by
Back your car into the driveway in case you need to make a quick get away
Have a reason to leave in mind so you can exit before things escalate
Confide in someone – Abusers isolate their victims
Take pictures of the physical evidence
Add domestic hotline phone numbers to your phone for quick reference

Where Can Men Find Help?

While it is more difficult to find male-specific resources for abused men, help is available. The National Domestic Abuse Hotline, 1-800-799-7233 (1-800-799-SAFE), is ready to help without judgement and offers these additional resources:

Male Survivor provides resources to male survivors of sexual trauma
Safe Place in Austin, TX provides services and shelter for male victims of sexual assault and domestic violence. We can help you locate shelters in your area, where available.
Center Against Domestic Violence, based in New York City, offers information and support for male victims
Helpguide.org: Help for Abused Men
Lambda’s Anti-Violence Project provides support and resources to LGBTQ victims of violence
The Mayo Clinic’s website gives more signs and safety precautions for male victims

Another resource available to men is Al-Anon. A support group that offers a 12 step program for anyone affected by someone else’s drinking.

Final Thoughts

Watching Eric’s story opened my eyes to abuse in a whole new way. Sadly like victims of abuse he blamed himself and didn’t get any treatment for the emotional wounds he suffered.

Find treatment and counseling for abusive relationships at Recovery Guidance.

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What Is Setting Boundaries

Boundaries Are Rules To Follow: We know how the rules work with driving. Here are a few: Keep your distance. Don’t cut in front of a moving vehicle. When a car stops in front of you, you stop, too. It’s common sense to follow the rules to avoid accidents. Rules make life on the road safer, and you just do it without thinking. It’s common sense, and it’s the law.

People Are Moving Vehicles Without Rules

Human beings don’t drive on roads, however. We all have our own personalities and will and expectations. We’re all raised in different environments and different cultures. We don’t have the same ideas about how to treat each other, and often there is also a double standard when it comes to the treatment of women and children. To confuse the issue even more, some people (both men and women) are more forceful than others about getting their way. And some have been abused as children. That means that the person with the most powerful will and unhealthy role models as a child often sets the tone of what will happen in adulthood. The more easy-going people can find themselves in relationships they can’t control, and in which they have no voice. And the situation can get a lot worse over time. It’s also much harder if you hate confrontation or happen to be a people pleaser.

You Don’t Get A Ticket For Bullying or Hurting Others

It’s not fair, but there are no hard and fast rules for fair treatment or showing respect. Family members push you around. Friends can manipulate you. Spouses can get in your face. When you’re a child, there’s not much you can do about it. Fighting back can lead to trouble, and you can even get physically hurt. Marsha had a husband who always took her birthday checks. She had no say in the matter. How can you take control as an adult if you never did it before? Marsha needed help.

Red Alert. If you’re in a really abusive relationship, get help. Trying to establish boundaries by yourself can be dangerous. check out helpguide.org and women’s law
Setting Boundaries

This is for people pleasers who give away their power by being nice, or people who don’t like to fight back. Boundaries are like putting up fences that can’t be crossed. You can’t talk to me like that. You can’t bully me into doing things I don’t want to do. You can’t torture me with jealousy. You can’t manipulate me by withholding your love and approval or giving me the silent treatment. Or simply: you just can’t be the one who always gets your way.

Changing The Status Quo

It’s hard to change relationships that have been working well for one party but not the other. If you start saying no, the response will almost always be anger. It can get nasty.

Shelley’s son left her forever, and later tried to sue her, after she told him he couldn’t call her at 8AM every morning when she was on her way to work to ask for money or to solve some new crisis. She set a boundary and it didn’t go well for the relationship. Now Shelley is no longer afraid of her son, and while it’s sad, she feels more in control of her life.

June, a bullied bride, told her new husband that it wasn’t going to work out unless he started showing her more respect. He was furious. Didn’t he marry her and provide a home? He was mad, but he loved her and was willing to get counseling to work the problem through. Two years later, he’s a different person, kinder, gentler and thoughtful. Love can do that. But that’s assuming the other person really loves you and has the capacity for change. Not everyone does.

Even with good friends and good husbands and wives, asking for something others don’t want to give can end in furious emails, personal attacks, verbal abuse, angry phone calls. You have options. You can back down and keep the relationship. You can ride the anger out and see if both of you can calm down and find compromise and reason. Or, here’s the big one, you can assess the relationship and see if you really want to keep it. Letting go is one solution.

Setting Boundaries In New Relationships

To establish the kind of relationships that make you feel good, and safe, the crucial first step is to learn about yourself. What do you want, what do you need? When you tell people what you can’t tolerate and mean it you are setting a boundary. Lori wanted a man who was reliable. She met Ben who was almost everything she wanted in a partner. Except he always called at the last minute to change or cancel dates. When she told him how much reliability meant to her and he arrived an hour late to their very next date, she didn’t hesitate to end the relationship.

Take Off The Rose Colored Glasses

How people react to your clearly stated need for respect, calm, kindness, or whatever it is that you have to have to be happy, will determine whether they should go or stay in your life. Setting boundaries is hard. Shelley didn’t want a bitter break with her son. She hopes some day he will return, but her happiness doesn’t depend on it. Lori didn’t want to lose Ben, but she knew who she was and that mattered more. A few months later she met Rick, who was absolutely right for her. They told each other what they were looking for right at the start, and their needs and behavior were a good match.

If you have trouble setting boundaries, check out Recovery Guidance for a free resource to locate mental health professionals near you.

 

The post What Is Setting Boundaries appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

The Blame Game: How to Stop Blaming Others

Who doesn’t play the blame game? We live in a culture that focuses on blame and victimization. Dr. Caroline Myss, author of Creation of Health, refers to this as an attitude of “woundology” where our emphasis in life is about all the wounds we have and how others have wounded us throughout our life span – parents, teachers, coaches, partners, children, friends, employers and co-workers, and religious institutions.

Blame Game Society Hurts Everyone

Our society has a tendency to blame. Everything has a cause and we need to put a spotlight on the other person. In personal relationships, we make ourselves powerless when we cling to victimization. When we feel victimized we focus on blaming everything and everyone around us. It is so much easier to blame others than to look at our own culpability for our lives. Until we stop blaming others, our energy will be negatively focused, keeping us trapped in unhealthy thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Here are 15 ways to get out of the “blame game” and focus on taking responsibility to restore your power.

15 Ways To Stop The Blame Game

Forgiveness is not necessary for healing If you have suffered from a horrible event such as sexual abuse, it is normal to blame the perpetrator, and, rightly so. However, the way to work through this trauma is to focus on what you can do to heal.
Admit you have a tendency to blame and that you created this. When you admit that you play a part in the blame game you can examine the reasons and plan your recovery.
Examine the reasons for blaming others Here are some: Your bother hit you when you were a kid; Your spouse/lover/child is a substance user and is abusive; your boss under values and under pays you; your mother never supported you.
Let go of blaming others – Others are not the cause of your problems. This is amazing but true. Whatever happened to you, or is happening now, you play a part in the destructive dynamic. Examine how you are contributing to the problems in your life by your daily thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Are you a blamer in every situation instead of seeing your part?
If abuse is the current problem, take action to put a support system in place (call 911 if you are in danger right now. Call the domestic violence hotline for advice. Join a support group to explore what’s happening. Think about ending the relationship instead of blaming others for what’s wrong with it. As we’ve discussed in other articles, yes means yes and no means no. Setting boundaries makes for healthy relationships
If a situation is the problem, then examine whether you want to continue within this situation. For example, if you work situation is difficult, maybe it’s time to look for another job. Looking for a job doesn’t mean you have to leave, it gives you new options and things to think about.
Create a list of who and what you blame for your problems and the reasons for this. Which relationships, people and situations are you blaming, and for what?
Blame sends out negative energy and keeps you stuck  Since thoughts/feelings/behaviors are energy, this energy can be creative or damaging; it’s up to you. By letting go of blame, you can become more powerful with healing energy.
Take control of your life  When you act out of power instead of react out of blaming (loss of power), then you can focus on healing.
Focus on success This may seem impossible. Here are some ways to feel the success: Do positive self talk. Imagine yourself not complaining, blaming, being overly sensitive or reactive. You can make a vision board of what your new and more accepting self looks like. Visualize your changed behavior without the vision board. Think of situations where you reacted in a negative way in the past and play the scene over with a better ending. You can see how different behavior can bring a different result.
Utilize healthy coping skills Read, write, exercise, play and have fun, treat yourself to a nice meal, splurge on a dessert, go on vacation, play online games, go to a movie, join a choir, dance, go to a spiritual service, and/or help others. By doing so, your focus is on the positive, not the negative.
Focus on understanding where others’ are in their process and accept that all relationships struggle at times. If necessary, understand that whatever you do to improve your attitude and behavior, others you care about may not be able to change. Then you have to make decisions about what’s best for your mental health.
Make apologies/amends to those you have hurt.  Blamers are often people who hurt others. If your blame is of the cutting, mean and hurtful kind, telling others that you understand what you’ve done and are sorry. relationships will either improve or end.
Use the Serenity Prayer (if it fits for you and/or substitute the word God for something that matches your belief):

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Counseling can make all the difference in getting unstuck and healthy. Find a counselor or therapist  to help.

By utilizing the above techniques, you will find yourself letting go of blame and taking responsibility for yourself and your situation. Blaming keeps you trapped – taking responsibility frees you to heal. Enjoy such freedom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The post The Blame Game: How to Stop Blaming Others appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.