When You’re Addicted To Being A Hero
Before I found recovery, I loved helping other people who were suffering. The problem was they didn’t think they were suffering, nor did they want my help. I thought I was being a good Samaritan, but I was really addicted to being a hero. This week, I got to see why my rescuing never rescued anyone.
Beware Of Strangers Selling Food Out A Shopping Cart
He looked at me. I hesitated, and in that split-second, the needy man in the parking lot pounced. I assumed he’d say:
He need money for gas
He was out of work
His car broke-down car.
In the past, I would have given him cash and spent weeks wondering about this poor man. Spending weeks worrying about a drifter is a sign of codependency. Yes, my friends, I used to form unhealthy attachments that fast. In fact, a pre-recovery me would have tried to find this man a few weeks later just to check on him.
Will I Rush Back To Being A Hero?
This man, however, didn’t want a handout. Instead, he was selling flan, a Spanish custard-like dessert in five delicious flavors, to raise money for a new recovery house in central Florida. He had me at “Recovery.”
He Was Really Selling Step 12
My new flan-selling friend had a familiar look. I see it on the faces of friends I’ve met in the rooms and even when I look in the mirror. It’s an enthusiastic blend of gratitude and peace; it’s the look we have when we FINALLY make it to Step 12,
“Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message and practice these principles in all our affairs.”
Our recovery becomes contagious.
Being A Hero Prevents Rock Bottom
I couldn’t help but wonder, if I had been friends with this man, would my addiction to being a hero have been strong enough to keep us both sick? Before I found recovery, he was exactly the type of person I would set out to save. I would have spent countless hours begging, pleading and shaming him into abandoning his harmful addiction. When I tried to help others like this, it usually drove them deeper into addiction. Or they avoided me, or lied to me.
Yet he found recovery, the way we all do, by hitting rock bottom.
The absence of a heroic rescue let this man become miserable enough to do something different and stop the insanity. Misery propelled him to race away from his addiction and gave him the deep motivation that’s crucial to sustaining a long-term recovery.
When my sister was dying, no one rushed in to save me from my emotional distress, and that void sent me looking for recovery. Her death, while unjust and unfathomable to me, spurred me to find a different way to live.
Seeing him work his Step 12 let me see how far I’ve come. I didn’t try to fix him with a Bible verse; I listened to his story without opinions or suggestions. Nor did I lose weeks of serenity by worrying about this stranger because I’m also propelled by a deep desire to never go back to living the way I used to – putting anyone and anything ahead of what was best for me.
Many who struggle with codependency have been affected by someone else’s addiction. You too can recover. Find therapists and support groups at Recovery Guidance.
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