Leslie Glass's Blog, page 328

Lack of Exercise Worse Than Smoking

 

What’s worse for your health: Lack of exercise or smoking. You’d be surprised. It’s common knowledge that there are many benefits to being fit, but one large new study found that skipping out on the gym is practically the worse thing you can do for your health.

In fact, the study claims not exercising might be more harmful to your health than smoking.

New findings, published Friday in the journal JAMA Network Open, detail how researchers at the Cleveland Clinic studied 122,007 patients from 1991 to 2014, putting them under treadmill testing and later recording mortality rates. Researchers found a clear connection between a longer, healthier life and high levels of exercise. The report calls for health care professionals to encourage patients to achieve and maintain a robust fitness routine.

“Cardiorespiratory fitness is inversely associated with long-term mortality with no observed upper limit of benefit,” the study says. “Extremely high aerobic fitness was associated with the greatest survival and was associated with benefit in older patients and those with hypertension.”

Although it is widely understood that an active lifestyle can lead to a healthy life, the study concludes that a sedentary lifestyle is the equivalent of having a major disease and the simplest cure is exercise.

Dr Wael Jaber, co-author of the study, called the results surprising.

“Being unfit on a treadmill or in an exercise stress test has a worse prognosis, as far as death, than being hypertensive, being diabetic or being a current smoker,” Jaber told CNN. “We’ve never seen something as pronounced as this and as objective as this.”

The study also took a look at the risk of being overactive and found that “ultra” exercisers do not face higher risk of death: the research consistently found that the more a person exercises the lower their mortality rates.

Content originally published at Time, by Gina Martinez

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3 Tricks To Getting Your Serenity Back

This entire year has been challenging for me, and I often feel like I’ve lost my serenity. It’s easy to criticize myself for not setting boundaries or doing the work, but that’s not what happened. The short story is: I’m learning how to walk around on earth with people who aren’t in recovery. Running away to a deserted island might indeed keep my serenity in tact, but it isn’t practical. Plus, my husband and son won’t go with me. I checked. Instead, I’m using these tricks to get my serenity back.

1. Work With A Sponsor

I am very smart – book smart. I lack street smarts, and that’s what I’m learning in recovery. My sponsor is my lifeline, and I wouldn’t make it without her. She helps me reframe negative outlooks, communicate without hostility, and think of alternative solutions. I talk with my sponsor weekly, I’m finally comfortable enough to trust her a little more.

2. Spill Your Secrets

I often tidy up my mess before I talk to my sponsor. I look for slogans to support my actions or talk about what I’ve learned to help me with my crisis de jour. Basically, I try to be like a self-cleaning oven. This week, however, I journaled everything that was bothering me and sent it to her. I didn’t check for typos or consistency. Sentence fragments, misspellings, and feelings of all things were there out in the open for her to see.

This turned out being a great tool. She took some time to look over my list and make sense of things I couldn’t. She had notes and suggestions, and she helped me make an action plan.

3. Sort Your Problems Into Hula Hoops

My sponsor is very kind and wise. She often reminds me of tools I’ve heard in the rooms, but this week’s tool was brand new for me. It is so profound that I have to share it with you. She told me to imagine three hula hoops:

I can imagine standing in the blue hula hoop. I only have that much space to fit everything I need to have serenity for the day, and some examples include:

Eating healthy foods
Taking time to read and journal
Exercising
Keeping my house clean (because it really drives me crazy)

The pink hula hoop represents problems that are easy to weed out. I struggle with control issues and being over-responsible, so I regularly have to see if what I am worried about is really any of my business. Ergo, many of the things in my journal were really not my problems.

Finally, she told me to put other problems into a third hoop, the green hula hoop. This hoop is filled with things I find deeply troubling but cannot change. This actually gave me some peace because it allows for time to grieve over some of the things I find unacceptable.

Before I start each day, I can sort things I’m anxious about into my hoops. At the end of each day, I’ll review how I did, and next week, I’ll share my progress with her. Sometimes the simple, tangible tools work best, especially when we are really struggling. Being a concrete thinking creative type, I’m heading out to the dollar store to buy a new hula hoop and some sidewalk chalk. Writing this out on my drive way will really help “cement” this process for me.

7 Ways To Cope With Passive Aggressive People

From Rhoberta Shaler, PhD @ Your Tango: Is someone’s passive-aggressive behavior driving you crazy? You feel the energetic hit of her toxic behavior, but then you question yourself.

The receiving end of passive-aggressive behavior leaves you with a yucky feeling of just being sucker-punched, but because it’s subtle, it’s hard to know what’s actually happening. It’s like a nightmare where you try to run away but all you find are cul-de-sacs with no escape.

Passive-aggressive relationships are crazy-making, infuriating, and navigating them often requires help from an expert to effectively sort it out.

Passive-aggressive behavior is covert — stealthy even. It’s sneaky and causes you to question everything you do because you know everything is going to end up being your fault anyway.

Passive-aggressive people drive otherwise rational folks around the bend. Because those who exhibit the behavior completely lack insight into their own actions, often believing that it is they they are wronged or misunderstood. They object strenuously to your efforts to share your point of view, and they think your (or anyone’s) expectations of them are entirely unreasonable.

How Do You Recognize Passive-Aggressive Behavior In People?

Passive-aggressive folks are often negative.
They complain frequently about being under-appreciated and misunderstood.
Nothing is ever their fault.
They insist on — and are happy to — blame you for everything, because (of course) it is your fault.
They argue readily and have a real need to be right.
When things don’t go their way, they are often sullen and withdrawn. They are masters of the cold shoulder.
They criticize situations, events, ideas and people at the drop of a hat. It offsets their fear that they are inadequate.
They have little regard for authority.
They are sure they are unique in their perception that they alone live in an “ain’t it awful, he/she done me wrong” world of misfortune.
They run hot and cold between open hostility and seeming to be sorry. (Hint: You can only rely on the hostility part.)

Their traits and patterns are annoying enough all on their own, with or without an actual diagnosis of passive-aggressive disorder. What is really going on with these people is that they passively resist any expectation, request or demand to show up, take responsibility and be accountable for what they say or do — or, more frequently, don’t do. And, boy, does that have a negative effect on relationships!

You might recognize another person’s passive-aggressive behavior by the feeling of insecurity it creates in you, or by the person’s seemingly intentional inefficiency. They are late, forgetful, or punishing — all covert ways of trying to assert control over you or the situation.

Passive-aggressive people are fearful of competition, dependency and, yes, even of intimacy. You might recognize that as the “push me, pull me syndrome.” Another way of expressing that is the mixed message of, “Come close, but stay away.”

A passive-aggressive person can make chaos out of thin air, and they are secretly delighted in their ability to do so. It feels like power and control to them, and that is what they long for. Because they cannot approach situations, feelings, relationships or communication directly, they do so indirectly. This causes the chaos.

Oh yes, and of course, they do it at work as well as at home. They make endless and seemingly rational (that’s the crazy-making part) excuses for why they cannot, or did not, do things that were expected of them.

They are also experts at procrastination. And because they have difficulty playing nicely with others, they tend to drag their feet in any work team project. From suddenly not feeling well, claiming to not feel included, saying they were not given certain information, or professing to not knowing what was expected of them, passive-aggressive people have a reason (read: excuse!) for everything.

They believe these reasons and will actively work to disparage anyone who will not accept their reasons. They love to play the victim. Passive-aggressive people will go to great lengths to avoid recognizing their own weaknesses, blaming others for their own failures. This is a hallmark of the passive-aggressive personality.

Confronting passive-aggressive behavior in another person is often crazy-making, too. Their behavior is based in deep, old anger and resentment. Unfortunately, the passive-aggressive person is often unaware of what they are doing, and when confronted, refuse to acknowledge either the behavior or its impact. He or she might even get quite upset that you would even think they were the problem, or that you had the gall to suggest they might be.

Tips For Managing Yourself In The Face Of Passive-Aggressive Behaviors:

Do not try to win or apply reason. Neither are what this is about.
Do not join in the hostility, because that simply keeps the fires burning.
Know your boundaries, and express and maintain them, no matter what resistance you experience. Hold on.
Examine what might be your fault, and own it. Reject what is not, and say so.
Do not engage in blame. This only exacerbates arguments.
Remember that passive-aggressive behavior coming towards you is not about you. That can help you to reduce any negative reaction.
Get help. This is bigger than both of you and you cannot see it or solve it when you are in it. You really need a professional to help you both.

 

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What Is Honesty In Recovery

Recovery is a huge, largely untold, story in America. It’s happening everywhere, but we’re more likely to hear the horror stories of addiction than actually see the rebirth that recovery brings to thousands of people every day. It is something of a mystery why some people (even addicts who have used for decades) flourish in recovery, while others keep returning to destructive old habits no matter how much support and many resources they have.

Recently horse therapy has been taking hold as a powerful tool that helps veterans with injuries and PTSD, children and adults with disabilities, trauma, addiction recovery, and other mental health challenges. It works because horses relate to the essence of humans not to their physical being, the stories they tell themselves, or the past experiences that have shaped them. So learning what horses tell us about ourselves can change us.

How horses help people in recovery was something I wanted to explore. Horses are big, all right, and they are powerful. But who knew they were peaceful and wise?

I traveled to Equinection, a stunningly beautiful horse farm in North Carolina founded by Karen Head, to learn about horses. A steely horsewoman who looks a lot like a female version of Robert Redford in “The Horse Whisperer,” Karen has practiced experiential education for 30 years. Karen has also worked on a ranch, acted and directed in the theatre, performed in a band, and won Emmys for her work in documentaries. Her years of training in Equine Facilitated Learning prompted her to start a business whose mission is “To help people live more fulfilling lives by realizing their intrinsic gifts of strength, wisdom, and peace.” She does this by inspiring the participants in her programs to deepen their self-awareness through interaction with horses. The tagline on Equinection’s website is self-discovery through the peace, power, and wisdom of the horse.

The first thing that Karen teaches her participants is that horses don’t care whether you are a great horseperson, an addict, an enabler, or if you are broken in body or spirit. Horses are prey animals, which means they are wary and easily frightened. They each have their own personality (like we do), but they have some fundamental ways of dealing with fear and anxiety. And to work with them in recovery humans need to learn few essential things about the messages they send without being aware of it.

All the participants come to Equinection with a story and a mission. My mission was to see how Equine Assisted Learning works. I also hoped to find the old me, the person lost in my journey of raising a family, becoming an author, running a nonprofit, being an enabler as I tried to deal the baffling impact of addiction. The truth was after all these years, I could no longer tell if I was aggressive and controlling, reasonable or unreasonable, mean or nice. Could a horse tell me? I hoped so. With these goals, I arrived in rolling hills, deep in the North Caroline countryside where cell phones and computers seem unnatural and unneeded. In fact, I forgot about mine right away.

Karen’s first instruction was: Don’t touch or talk to the horses, or even think about giving them treats. I could stand in the pasture, and be still. How often do we start relationships just being there? As far as I was concerned, nothing was going on. I wasn’t allowed to do anything. But the horses were acutely aware of me, and could possibly even have been discussing me amongst themselves. I certainly heard them sending their own messages from pasture to pasture. Some came over to size me up, and a few actively asked for direct interaction: Those horses wanted to be touched.

My first lesson in being real was to hold off on the seduction and excitement that comes with pats, treats, hugs and discussion. I could connect only through a magnetic field I didn’t know I had.

Did you know that horses have a huge magnetic field, and you have one, too? Some call it an aura, or a vibe. Whatever you call it, in reality it’s what draws people (animals, and a variety of good things) to you, or pushes the things you want away. Humans interact with each other based on the vibes they give out and receive. We do have names for the laws of attraction. Unfortunately, we don’t always have excellent feedback on the messages we’re sending, how those messages are received by others, and how our messages might be interfering with our progress toward better relationships and a better life.

Are you edgy, nervous, fearful? Horses can tell from across the pasture. Are you arrogant, pushy, aggressive? Do people notice that about you and back away? A horse will push right back. Are you kind, sensitive, open to caring about the feelings of others? A horse will respond to that, too.

Here’s the thing about humans. We define ourselves by our stories. Whether we’ve built a good strong story about ourselves as people of power and significance, victims of others and circumstances, successes or failures, they’re just stories. Our stories are the armor we put on every day to face the world. But the stories we tell don’t project the truth of how we really feel inside. Horses run away when they’re scared. They roll and yawn to release tension. They all have histories, but treated with love and respect, horses can let go. Humans hang onto their stories of woe and success long after they are needed to define and protect us.

Horses See Through Our Bluster

Here’s an example. I might say I’m not afraid of anything. I’m cool. But the horse in front of me acts out what I’m really projecting. I’m scared of being hurt. I don’t know what I’m doing in life. I’d really prefer to run away and hide. If people are defensive and fearful, the horses balk and won’t do what is asked of them. Simple things like walking in a circle, or trotting beside us, or being led by us. If they’re not on a lead, they will walk away. If people are pushy or not paying attention, the horses stop dead. Or worse, they might mirror behavior they see in us. If you come at a horse, a horse will come at you. And you don’t want a 2000-pound animal coming at you.

Horses teach you when to back off. Resistance from a horse in the way of a little nip can be a powerful teaching tool for how to interact with all beings. Just like kids in a gang, if you’re afraid it’s best not to move forward but rather to back up. Hold up. Think things over. Try a different, gentler approach. If you pay attention to how a horse is relating to you, you can learn a lot.

When I sat blindfolded while four horses were brought into the ring, I didn’t know what the exercise was for. But I could tell the horses apart. I could feel them, and I could actually “see” several of them. The purpose was to choose a horse to work with. I had no idea why any horse wouldn’t do. But I took the exercise seriously.

I didn’t choose the biggest and most powerful horse in the herd, although I knew which one it was. And I didn’t choose the horse that had tried so hard to get my attention in the pasture, even though he was spirited and seemed to like me. I choose the smallest and plainest horse in the herd. The horse that made me feel calm and safe. In fact, I chose the horse with a history like mine. Molly was the horse version of me. And I wasn’t the only one to choose the horse that mirrored my own personality.

That first day I had walked to Molly’s pasture and stood beside her, not telling her how much I loved horses, not bribing her with apples or hugs, not sharing any of my secrets. Molly and I just stood there with an electric fence between us. And something happened in the magnetic field I didn’t even know existed.

Four days later, Molly followed me in the ring without the encouragement of a whip or a lead. She walked away from me when I said things I thought were true about me, but she didn’t believe. She came to me and stood beside when I said things she did believe. Karen Head, of course, was the onion peeler, the qualified guide who knows truth from fiction both in humans and horses. But when I buried my facade in the ring, Molly put her big head on my heart, and it was clear that something magical had happened. And when their turn came, the other participants felt the same.

I left Molly without thanking her for her generosity in taking my pain. She got no carrots or apples or any of the hugs I wanted to give her. I brushed her for a few seconds. But she has some old injuries from humans and doesn’t love the brush. Maybe the next time.

There is no one approved form of Equine Assisted Learning. In some programs participants ride with therapists and horse trainers in the ring. Some programs, like Equinection, are about direct interaction with horses and participants on the ground and a facilitator like Karen in the ring with them.

A Note About Recovery

To actually be in recovery people have to change a lot of things about themselves. Giving up the drug(s) of choice is only the first step. What happens after that to build new lives, depends on individuals’ ability to divert their emotions and energies to new thoughts and activities that put them on a more positive path. Luckily, there are many programs that help. 12-step programs seem to work the best for the most. But often people need a few other tools in addition to 12-step programs to keep the recovery button firmly in the on position and the positive internal change going. Yoga, meditation, exercise and sports, as well as good nutrition, new hobbies and group activities are all tools that aid recovery.

 

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Lady Gaga Again Speaks Out On Mental Health And Sexual Abuse

From Cydney Henderson @ USA Today: Lady Gaga was making more than a fashion statement during Monday night’s Elle Annual Women in Hollywood Celebration.

Donning an oversize Marc Jacobs pantsuit, Gaga took the stage to deliver an emotionally raw acceptance speech that touched on sexual abuse, mental health and the burdening beauty standards place on women in Hollywood.

“I decided today I wanted to take the power back. Today, I wear the pants,” she said onstage.

Her outfit offered a striking contrast to the glamorous gowns she’s worn while promoting “A Star is Born,” a role that has generated major Oscar buzz. The pop star said her preparation for the event, formed to honor powerful women in entertainment, began the same way.

“I tried on dress after dress today getting ready for this event, one tight corset after another, one heel after another, a diamond, a feather, thousands of beaded fabrics and the most beautiful silks in the world,” Gaga said. “To be honest, I felt sick to my stomach.”

In that moment, Lady Gaga began to question why she cared so much about what others thought about her.

“And I asked myself: What does it really mean to be a woman in Hollywood? We are not just objects to entertain the world. We are not members of a giant beauty pageant meant to be pit against one another for the pleasure of the public,” she said. “We women in Hollywood, we are voices. … We have the power to speak and be heard and fight back when we are silenced.”

After trying on nearly a dozen designer gowns, the pressure to please others melted away when she in love with the Marc Jacobs suit that allowed Lady Gaga to be herself.

“This was an oversized men’s suit made for a woman. Not a gown. And then I began to cry,” she recalled. “In this suit, I felt the truth of who I am well up in my gut.”

The singer and actress, who referred to her boyfriend Christian Carino as her “fiance” onstage, made note of current events and called her outfit an act of freedom to resist the norm.

“I had a revelation that I had to be empowered to be myself today more than ever,” she said. “To resist the standards of Hollywood, whatever that means. To resist the standards of dressing to impress. To use what really matters: my voice.”

 

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ABC Gives Roseanne A Drug Addiction And Overdose

From Dana Feldman @ Forbes: Finally, the question as to how Roseanne Barr’s character was written out of ABC’s new Roseanne spinoff has been answered. The Conners, which premiered tonight with a pilot episode titled “Keep On Truckin’,” takes a deep-dive look into the complex issue of prescription drug addiction and misuse with the death of Roseanne Conner by an accidental overdose of pain medications.

As the Conner clan reels from the loss of the matriarch of the family, the new series delves deep into what is truly an epidemic in this country. Roseanne was always known for tackling tough subject matter and newsworthy topics and the spinoff is clearly doing the same.

Opioid addiction and overdose deaths are rampant in this country. The issue has been in the headlines of every major news outlet and the statistics are astounding. Every day, more than 115 people in the United States die after overdosing on opioids. The U.S. accounts for 25% of the estimated number of drug-related deaths worldwide, including overdose deaths, which continue to rise. Overdose deaths in this country have more than tripled in the last two decades, reaching upwards of 64,000 in the 12-month period prior to January 2017.

The misuse of prescription medications has been rightly referred to as a national public health crisis and includes opioids, including prescription pain relievers, heroin and synthetic opioids such as fentanyl, a synthetic opioid up to 100 times more potent than morphine. Fentanyl kills the most people between the ages of 25 and 34 and an approximate 90% of overdose deaths in January and February of last year involved fentanyl.

The results impact public health, as well as social and economic welfare. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the National Institute on Drug Abuse estimate that the total “economic burden” of prescription opioid misuse alone in the United States is $78.5 billion a year, which includes the costs of healthcare, lost productivity, addiction treatment and the involvement of law enforcement.

 

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Don’t Be A Bystander: Nine Ways To Intervene If You Witness Abuse

From Amy Thomson @ The National Voice Of Domestic Violence: Domestic violence often occurs behind closed doors, away from the view of family, friends and strangers alike. Victims of abuse typically do the best they can to hide and deny the abuse from those around them. It’s not uncommon for people to think the relationship is healthy and that the abuser is a good person who loves their partner. However, at home a very different reality emerges.

Abuse Is An Act Of Power

Dynamics of abuse require constant leveraging of coercion, manipulation and intimidation to control and restrict the movements of the victim. As the severity of abuse escalates, it may appear that the abuser is losing control or has an anger management issue, particularly when the abusive behavior manifests outside the home in public view. The reality is that escalation is an assertion of the right to dominate and control, and the abuser will often engage in public acts of abuse to shame, punish and show the victim that no one cares enough to intervene.

Witnessing acts of abuse can be uncomfortable and leave us unable to decide what we should do – if anything. Often, people may pass by thinking it’s not their business or that it isn’t their place to intervene. We may even walk by hoping or wrongly believing someone else will help. Worse still, we may choose not to act because we assume that nothing “all that serious” would really happen in public.

Never Assume Someone Else Will Help

Doing so only increases risk of severe injury, escalation of abuse and death. Abusers often attack their victims at their place of work or other public spaces with severe injury or death to the victim occurring.

With that in mind, what can you do when you witness domestic violence?

Call the police. This does not require risking personal safety but will trigger response of officers who are better prepared to handle danger should violence escalate.
If for some reason you do not feel comfortable calling the police and you are in a place of business, approach the manager and notify them of the situation and ask them to call the police.
Many of us have cell phones on us most of the time. You can use your phone to video record the abuse so there is documentation available from a third party witness to provide to authorities as evidence.
If the abuser leaves, you could approach the victim and offer assistance. Use this as an opportunity to ensure the victim they are not at fault and the abuse is not OK. Offer to call police and stay with them until authorities arrive. If they do not want the authorities involved, you could also offer to call a friend or family member or allow the victim to use your phone. Should the victim respond that there is no one to call, you could give them your cell number and tell them to call/text if they change their mind. You can also tell the victim where they can get help if they refuse your offer.
If you are a student, you could approach the victim by asking them for help with work in one of your classes or to borrow notes. Provided you approach them when their abuser is not present, the victim may open up to you if you ask them how they are or say you’ve noticed them being withdrawn lately.
If the abuser is within eyesight, and you still feel compelled to approach the victim, you could do so under the guise of running into an old friend from school. Smile at them, tell them how happy you are to see them, and once the abuser’s guard is down, you can offer to help them. This approach is potentially risky due to the proximity of the abuser, and it is not recommended for a man to attempt if the abuser is male with a female victim.
Do your best to slowly redirect yourself and the victim into a more public area with increased foot traffic. Not only will this provide additional bystanders to assist, there will be more witnesses should the abuser return and attempt to assault the victim.
Ensure that you speak only to the victim, as engaging with the abuser creates potential for the situation to spiral out of control.
If you suspect someone is being abused, you can create opportunities to approach them. You can begin conversation by asking your neighbor if you can borrow common cooking ingredients, if they are having issues with their phone or internet, for help finding a lost pet or by bringing them a piece of mail and telling them it was mixed in with yours.

Even with the best intentions, your actions might cause retaliation by the abuser against their victim. Be as delicate as possible in your approach.

Helping Has Risks

If you attempt to intervene between an abuser physically assaulting their victim, recognize that not only could this increase the severity of abuse against the victim, it is possible the abuser may attack you as well. Physically intervening during a violent attack will put your safety at risk. Also, you can never be sure whether the abuser is carrying a weapon. Generally, this approach is not recommended for these reasons. However, this is your choice to make and you need to consider if you are equipped to physically intervene i.e. have self defense training, carry pepper spray or a taser.

It’s not uncommon for a victim to refuse help or outright deny abuse is taking place. You cannot force them to leave until they are ready, and it often takes an average of seven times for a victim to leave. What is important is to leave them with a lifeline to the outside world so they have someone to contact when they are ready to make that step.

You will need to be careful about the language you use when talking to the victim. It is important to never blame them, imply they instigated an attack or minimize their abuse. Be supportive, be compassionate and let them know you believe them and want to help them. Even if they do not accept your help, they may reach out to you or someone else in the future. It’s important they know there are people ready to help and they will be believed.

Also, do as much as possible to educate yourself on the signs of domestic violence and resources available. Share this information with your family and friends, and discuss with your children safe things they can do if they witness or suspect a friend is being abused. Engage your family in role playing to help prepare them for how they would respond if they were to witness abuse.

 

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7 Things You Can Do If You See Someone Being Bullied

From Ditch The Label: Our recent research revealed that 69% of young people have witnessed somebody else being bullied, 43% of which see it at least once a week. With this in mind, we have compiled 7 things that you can do if you see someone being bullied. Here’s how you can be the one to help.

1. Ask If they Are Okay Or If They Need Help

If it feels safe to do so, approach the person that is being bullied and ask them if they are okay or if they would like you to get help on their behalf. If it looks like the person is in danger, or at risk of serious harm, seek help immediately from a trusted adult, report it immediately to a teacher, or call the police on 911.

2. Do Not Join In Or Watch The Bullying Take Place

Do not join in with the bullying that is taking place; think of the consequences of your words/actions and how they will negatively impact the person that is being attacked. Do not stand around and watch what is happening either; the attention may encourage the perpetrator to continue exhibiting such behaviour. Act swiftly, either seek help from a trusted adult or approach and focus your energy on the person that is being bullied (only if it feels safe to do so – see point 3 for reference).

3. Get The Person That Is Being Bullied Away From The Scenario

Instead of focusing your energy on the person that is doing the bullying, focus on getting the person that is being bullied away from the scenario and to a safe space. If it feels safe to do so, ask the person being bullied to come with you. Once you are away from the perpetrator, focus on keeping them calm and reassure them that everything will be alright. Make sure that that they know they are in no way to blame for what is happening to them and that they can depend on you for support. From there you can both decide what is the best course of action to take.

4. Remember To Keep Calm

Often reacting in an aggressive manner can make the situation worse and can even put you at risk of physical harm. If you feel it is a safe and appropriate action to take, maybe try talking calmly to the person who is doing the bullying.

Remember to challenge the behavior, not the person.  Instead of accusing the person of being a ‘bully’, calmly explain why their actions or words are causing the other person distress.

For example, instead of saying “you’re upsetting them”, you could say “what you are saying/doing is upsetting them”. It might be appropriate to suggest that a teacher or responsible adult hosts a mediation between the two of them. A mediation can feel scary for those involved but is often incredibly powerful; it is essentially a face-to-face conversation between the person who is being bullied and the person doing the bullying in a controlled, equal environment.

5. After The event, Ask Them How You Can Help Them

It is important that you don’t patronize the person that is experiencing bullying; make sure that they feel like the power is in their hands and that you will be there to support them every step of the way. A good way of doing this is to ask them how you can help them, or what steps they want to take next.

6. Be A Friend

Your friendship could make all the difference to them right now. Spend time with them, make sure they know they are not alone and try to do things that will boost their self-esteem and confidence. It’s important that they still look after their health and maintain a good diet, exercise regime and things like meditation and yoga. It is also important that you remember to look after yourself as well and don’t take too much on.

7. Link Them To Support

We are one of the largest anti-bullying charities and we are always here for those who have been impacted by bullying. If you or anyone you know needs help or a push in the right direction, please do not hesitate to get help in our Community here.

 

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Social Media Addiction Can Lead To Low Self-Esteem, Envy: 5 Ways To Beat It

From the Economic Times:

Twenty five-year-old Ridhi had classic symptoms of depression when she came for treatment. She held a high position in the public sector, but still reported being not good enough and had a sudden onset of a very under-confident and nervous image about herself.

During the course of therapy, it became absolutely clear that she was spending a lot of time on social media and was feeling inadequate and less successful in her life in comparison to others around her. She spent most of her non-working hours on Instagram, mostly comparing herself to others, editing pictures and using unrealistic filters to somehow match up to others.

What bothered her was that everyone seemed to be financially better off, in more loving relationships, having better homes, dream jobs and travelling the world. She was filled with a sense of emptiness and complete worthlessness. The depression seemed absolutely unbearable.

It was in therapy that she was made to realise that social media is a place where most people put up their best and unreal face forward. Everyone like her would have felt the same way about others. Eventually she had to learn to disconnect from the online world and spend more time with her loved ones in the real world.

Social media platforms like Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp are great mediums to stay connected with your loved ones. However, there are certain limitations and serious repercussions of the use of social media, especially on a person’s mental health.

HERE IS HOW THEY TEND TO AFFECT OUR EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING:

• Low Self-Esteem and Confidence: One tries hard to portray a rosy and content picture on social media, which sometimes might not be true. This gap makes one feel not good enough being the person he/she is, leading to dissatisfaction with self.

• Effect on Relationships: We have reduced face-to-face human interaction considerably. One just messages a love note to their lovers and fails to say things in person. These levels of social-media engagements lead to very limited in-person human interactions.

• Negative Emotions like Jealousy and Envy: Browsing through friends and family’s pictures does lead to inadequacy in some, giving rise to negative feelings of jealousy and envy. Thus, the need to try harder to feel accepted.
• Feeling Unproductive: Social media also keeps a person busy without really doing much work. It seems like an epidemic where an entire generation seems to be looking into their phone screens. Even after increased screen time, one has achieved very little. It is also seen that people hooked on to social media end up spending more time at work.
• Lack of Pursuing Interests and Hobbies: Meaningful activities like outdoor activities, games and connecting with nature seem to have evaporated, causing a lot of harm to our emotional well-being and leading to a monotonous and sedentary lifestyle.
• Effect on Marital Romantic Relationships: Many couples in couple therapy are seen complaining about each other being excessively involved in their smartphones or laptops and not being attentive of the partner. This seems to be a very common issue that makes people less and less connected with their partner and does not make them feel like a priority or of importance. Infidelity is on the rise; “quick to hook up and break up” seems a convenient way. A study showed that 30% of Tinder users are married. This just shows more and more unhappy people in their relationships.
• Social Media Pressure: The Kiki challenge or an ice-bucket challenge are trends that people feel compelled to follow. Many clients in therapy report engaging in activities on social media just for a picture and not because they like those activities. Where does this all lead to? Loneliness, for sure. And over time, this loneliness can turn into depression and other mental health issues.
HOW CAN WE BREAK OUT FROM THIS LOOP?
• Set Clear Boundaries of Engagement: Be what you really are and not what looks and seems cool. Avoid letting trends and trolls perturb you. Limit your friends to who you know and don’t be part of a popularity contest.

• Keeping the Phone or Laptop Away during Meals and Bedtime: Having your smartphone around can be distracting. One may overeat or not eat at all. So is the case with sleep which gets disturbed due to the need to constantly check social media.

• Know What You are Looking for: Do you wish to see how things are with your friends or to connect with them, or is it just the need to keep scrolling unaware?

• Keep a Schedule to Check Social Media: To cut down time on social media, one needs to keep a fixed schedule and follow it strictly.

• Keep Yourself Productive and Goal-oriented: Have a goal for yourself each day. Go out with friends and family and stay off social media documentations. Just enjoy the moment.

 

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A Mother’s Pain, A Daughter’s Addiction

From The New York Times:

When Maureen Cavanagh, a hardworking small-business owner and resident of the charming, historic town of Marblehead, Mass., clicked on a link to a Salem News story headlined “Marblehead Honor Student Arrested for Prostitution,” her first thought was: “How sad. How very sad.” As she read further, however, her feelings turned to horror. Because, as she recounts in “If You Love Me: A Mother’s Journey Through Her Daughter’s Opioid Addiction,” the honor student in question was her daughter, Katie, who in the few short years since leaving high school had devolved from a sweet, compassionate and talented teenager into a troubled 23-year-old advertising her “escort services” online. All because, like millions of her fellow Americans, Katie had succumbed to the cruel realities of opioid abuse.

In Katie’s case, the drug of choice was heroin. “If You Love Me,” an initially compelling but ultimately frustrating memoir, opens at the point when Katie’s habit has exploded beyond the scope of what her mother can successfully keep under wraps. Enormously worried about her daughter’s reputation in their small and prosperous New England community, Cavanagh is above all consumed in the days after the news report by what she views as the cosmic “unfairness of exposing Katie.” But then a remarkable letter to the editor appears online in The Marblehead Reporter. It is from Katie herself, who suggests that making her desperation public isn’t, perhaps, such a bad thing. “Maybe if people read that they will understand the pain addicts go thru on a daily basis,” she writes. “I would just like people to know addicts are good people who believe they need to do bad things because they don’t deserve any better.”

This is a turning point. Cavanagh’s shame turns to rage. In the time since the article’s publication, she realizes, only one person in her prosperous town has reached out to express compassion or support. The stigma of drug addiction is such that friends and colleagues consider it kinder to say nothing. Or, as Cavanagh reflects, “My neighbors can continue to plow their own snowflakes, never needing to look over the fence, never knowing what is going on next door — here, now. Katie can recover from this, and we will look back on it as a bad patch in an otherwise good life.”

Cavanagh is well acquainted with this mode of non-engagement. The daughter of alcoholics, she grew up in an often violent home, and was schooled from a very early age in the keeping of sordid family secrets. From her childhood, she adopted a number of magical beliefs: If you don’t acknowledge a problem, you can make it go away. If your parents only love you enough, they’ll stop drinking. She begins the book hostage to an adult vestige of that old mythmaking system: “If she loves me, why won’t she stop?” she thinks about Katie. Conversely, as the mother of a heroin addict, she hangs her hope on the belief that if she only loves Katie enough, she’ll be able to corral her into beating her habit.

Realizing that none of these articles of faith are true — that, in fact, the disease of addiction is more powerful than even the very strongest parent-child bond — is the essence of Cavanagh’s maternal “journey,” which will offer readers facing similar struggles some useful information and, above all, the comfort of knowing that they are not alone. (Readers seeking something beyond emotional community, however, will find a much more satisfying reading experience in strongly reported books like Maia Szalavitz’s “Unbroken Brain: A Revolutionary New Way of Understanding Addiction” or Paul Raeburn’s “Acquainted With the Night: A Parent’s Quest to Understand Depression and Bipolar Disorder in His Children.”)

In the course of Cavanagh’s mother-daughter odyssey, she comes to realize that the quest for sobriety is only — and can only be — Katie’s own. Once Cavanagh steps back and gives her daughter the space to try to save herself, Katie does rise to the occasion. As the book ends, she is 25, working and saving money, and hoping to get involved with her mother’s peer support group, Magnolia New Beginnings. She is “currently sober,” Cavanagh writes, somewhat tentatively.

One lesson of her book is that “sober” always requires a qualifier. And that a hopeful pause is a safer bet than a happy ending.

IF YOU LOVE ME 

A Mother’s Journey Through Her Daughter’s Opioid Addiction

By Maureen Cavanagh

208 pp. Henry Holt & Company. $26.

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