Leslie Glass's Blog, page 309

Parental Alienation Lasts

Parental alienation may be the most destructive of all family dysfunction. One basic rule for healthy families, is for both parents to be respected and appreciated, and for children to be allowed to love both parents throughout their lifetime without interference. Parental alienation means one parent commands respect, and the other parent is made to feel less than, difficult, crazy, selfish, and a bunch of other really negative things. For the parent being denigrated, there’s no defense against it. And there’s no way to fix it.

Parental Alienation Is Abuse

Parental alienation is a form of child abuse and spousal abuse that hasn’t been explored much. I didn’t even know there was a name for it until we published an article about it recently, but I’m still experiencing the impact of it long after my divorce. The lasting effects of parental alienation are so persistent that even when adult children finally learn that a parent they don’t respect, appreciate or love, is not the monster they thought, they still retain the negative feelings. Still keep the secrets, still protect the abuser, and still lack respect for the parent they saw denigrated as children. While the damage to children was the basis for the linked article above, there is also incalculable damage to the spouse and the relationship between the spouse and children, and that is what I am writing about today.

The Root Cause Is Control

Divorce does not bring about parental alienation. In my experience, it starts long before that. It starts with one parent’s need to be top dog with all the love and all the control in every situation. Know how dogs fight to guard their territory against other dogs? In people, it’s relentlessly undermining a spouse, being disapproving, causing unnecessary fights, telling stories to the kids that aren’t true, being difficult about relationships, not listening, not letting the spouse get a word in, interrupting. Manipulation, triangulation, denigration, passive aggressive behavior, and just plain aggressive behavior are all hallmarks of parental alienation.

Denial Makes It Impossible To Fix

Every single one of these above abusive behaviors is continuously denied, so meaningful confrontation and compromise is impossible. The spouse being denigrated cannot ever defend against it without being accused of being paranoid, too sensitive, ridiculous, misunderstanding. If that spouse leaves the marriage and the abuser has equal share of the children, then it’s open season. The spouse who abused during the marriage will continue the practice at every opportunity for decades to come. If you’ve experienced this, you can never be whole except when you heal yourself.

The Cure For Parental Alienation

People who experience parental alienation during a marriage often feel crazy because they live in an impossible situation. While in an abusive marriage, there’s not a lot you can do to feel better. You’re too busy trying to fend off the deluge of emotional blows. The denigrating spouse wants control, and control can only be achieved by your feeling awful. So, you feel awful and try to please, which is a tactic that doesn’t work.

Get Help and Heal Yourself

Here’s the cure in a few short sentences. I wanted to return to the self I used to be. I needed therapy to even know what I wanted for myself. I’d lost myself in defense of myself. It was hard to detach from being enmeshed with other people’s needs and words and behavior. It was hard not to react and fight back. Now, years later, it’s still hard to be firm and expect to be treated with love and respect. I had to change myself because I can’t change anyone else. Whether loved ones can heal themselves is always up to them.

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Through My Eyes: Addiction And Recovery

From Medical News Today:

I had what appeared to be the perfect life. Then my life spiralled into substance abuse and depression. This is the story of my addiction and my recovery.

Growing up, I had the picture-perfect family. I lived in a beautiful home in the suburbs of Detroit with my parents and younger brother. I had every opportunity in the world, attended private schools, and even made it onto the honor roll. I was involved in dance, theater, and many of the school sports teams.

Beneath the surface, however, I always felt a lot of pressure to be perfect.

I was the first of 12 grandchildren, and this led to me feeling that I had to be the best at everything I did, which gave me terrible anxietyfrom the early age of 5.

When I was 15, the perfect little world I thought I was living in was shattered into a million pieces; my mom informed me that she and my dad had decided to get divorced.

A court order meant that we all lived under the same roof for the next year, until the divorce was finalized.

During my junior year of high school, I switched to a public school for the first time. I had no idea where I belonged and felt lost, as though I had no control over anything around me.

The only thing I could control in my life was food. I began restricting my eating and later realized that this was the beginning of my battle with an eating disorder.

I’d always stayed away from using recreational drugs and drinking alcohol for fear that it would interfere with school and extracurricular activities. Even though my friends all drank, I was adamant that it wasn’t for me.

Everything changed one New Year’s Eve, when I finally had my first drink. I do not remember much from that night except being violently sick through the night and into the next morning.

I absolutely hated the way alcohol tasted, but it took me out of myself and the chaos around me in that moment. I started to drink more frequently and, as a result, my grades began to plummet.

I was skipping school and getting into trouble at home. My mom had no idea what to do with me.

Toward the end of the year, my final paper for my English class was due, and I was struggling to finish it on time. A girl in my class offered me one of her Adderall pills and told me that it would help.

‘I was starting to look sick’

I had no idea what Adderall was or what it was used for; I just knew that I needed to finish my paper or I would not pass the class — so I took it. Little did I know at the time how big an impact that decision would have on my life.

I stayed up all night writing that paper and went into school the next day having not slept. I was still fuelled by the Adderall that I had taken and felt completely out of my mind. I was talking too fast and too much, I couldn’t sit still, my anxiety was through the roof, and my entire body hurt.

When I woke up the next morning, I was exhausted and very depressed. So I asked my friend for another Adderall.

This quickly became my daily routine, and within just a couple of weeks, I was buying them from other students as I realized just how many of my classmates were also abusing the “study pills.”

Buying them was becoming too expensive at the rate I was taking them, so I knew I had to find another source.

In time, I managed to convince a doctor that I had attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, and they prescribed me Adderall. I had even told myself that because this was a prescription medication, it was fine. How wrong I was.

At first, I thought it had solved all of my problems in life — but that quickly changed. I would take so many that I would be up for days at a time trying to make everything “just perfect,” only to completely crash for days after, falling into a deep depression.

This cycle continued for months. It became clear to everybody around me that I had a problem.

I was not sleeping or eating. I was 5 feet 7 inches and had dropped down to just 95 pounds. I was starting to look sick. My brain was completely fried due to the lack of sleep, and because my assignments no longer made any sense, my grades plummeted.

My life was a shambles, and I was on the verge of not being able to graduate high school. I knew that I needed help, but I didn’t know how to ask for it. I had lost all of my friends and pushed my entire family away.

My anxiety and depression were unbearable, and I just didn’t want to go on. I was in complete despair, lost in the world, and lost in my addiction.

‘Be kind to yourself’

When I was 17, I attempted to take my own life; I couldn’t see any other way out. I thank God every day that I survived and got a new lease of life. I entered an outpatient dual diagnosis treatment center that summer, where I learned about addiction and began to heal.

Through the support of AA and everyone around me, I could start to put my life back together as a young person in sobriety. I could not have done this without the strong women of AA who took me in and loved me until I could love myself.

I began working with a sponsor, who took me through the 12 steps of the program. Through prayer and meditation, I found that I was able to move forward.

“In time, my addiction — and the anxiety and depression that I had been fighting my entire life — was lifted. I finally felt happy and healthy in mind, body, and spirit for the first time in my life.”

That following school year, I was able to finish my senior year of high school and was accepted into college. I went on to earn my bachelors in Elementary Education and have been teaching first grade for 6 years now, all in sobriety.

I do not want to say that any of it was easy, especially getting sober at such a young age, but it was all so worth it.

My passion in life now is to help others — especially teenagers struggling with addiction issues — and to show them that there is another way. Self-love and -acceptance have been key for me; I learned to stop putting so much pressure on myself and comparing myself with others.

It is so important to be kind to ourselves, and although we all fall short sometimes, being able to pick ourselves up and move forward is what defines who we are and ultimately what makes us stronger.

The only thing you need to strive for is to be a better you each day.

The post Through My Eyes: Addiction And Recovery appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

How To Make Your Resolutions Last All Year

From Health.com:

Did you resolve to make a change this year? Whether your goal was to eat healthier, run a marathon, or finally start meditating, keep those shiny new resolutions and avoid backsliding with these proven strategies from Gretchen Rubin.

1. Name it

Aiming to be fitter or healthier is a laudable goal, but what does that mean? “Choose a goal that is concrete and measurable and tied to an actual behavior,” says Rubin. Examples: You want to be more active, so you’ll walk your dog every morning in the park. You want to eat better, so you’ll snack on fruit instead of chips.

2. Know yourself

Ask, “What kind of person am I, really?” If you’re not a morning person, don’t resolve to wake up at 5 a.m. to go to the gym before work—that approach is not only unrealistic, it’s going to fail fast. Rubin suggests recalling past successes to clue you in to what will work for you.

3. Plan for failure

Things are bound to go wrong along the way (you’ll attend a party and be surrounded by to-die-for cupcakes, say). The key is to anticipate those challenges and make an if-then plan, notes Rubin. For instance, tell yourself: “If there are cupcakes at this party, then I’ll take one, relish every bite and walk away.”

4. Show yourself some love

“When you feel energized and cared for, it’s easier to resist temptation,” says Rubin. So beyond basic self-care, make sure you’re regularly treating yourself in healthy (i.e., not food- or shopping related) ways: Do a crossword puzzle when you drink your coffee, or burn a scented candle.

5. Reframe it

People sometimes feel “done” when they achieve their goal, says Rubin. “Don’t think of it as a finish line. Consider it just one milestone out of many,” she says. Think about how you can build on your original goal so you have a new target to shoot for—even before you reach the first one. That way, the good-for-you momentum will carry on

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11 New Year’s Resolutions For Body Acceptance

From Healthy Living:

I quit dieting at age 28 after realizing that it made my body image and eating issues worse. But after the birth of my second child—with a decade of solid body acceptance and recovery from binge eating disorder under my belt—I thought I was strong enough to dip my toe into dietland again.

Wrong. Dieting’s focus on weight and food-tracking brought my body troubles and binge eating zooming back, along with even more extra pounds. I’ve put diets in my rearview mirror again, and with New Year’s resolution season upon us, I’m glad to say I’m resolving not to go on any weight-loss plan.

If you’re tired of starting January 1 by launching a diet and judging yourself by what you do or don’t eat and what the bathroom scale says, consider one of these 12 body acceptance resolutions instead. They’ll set you up for a healthier, happier 2019.

Clean up your social media feeds

Before-and-after pictures bragging about drastic weight loss. Celebs flashing their abs while hawking “detox” teas. Fitspo. Some say these types of social-media posts are motivational. But they encourage unhelpful comparisons, body shame, and unhealthy dieting practices in many people. Resolve to unfollow or mute any person or brand that fosters a dieting mentality or makes you feel bad about your body. For healthier attitudes and body diversity, follow yoga star Jessamyn Stanley and supermodel Ashley Graham.

Ignore body-type fashion advice and start wearing what you love

Like most women, you probably have some item of clothing you really want to wear, but you hide it in the back of your closet because fashion advice experts have convinced you it’s unflattering for your size or shape. Thing is, if you’re in a velvet jumpsuit kind of mood, who cares if your butt looks big—and why is bigger bad, anyway? Who are you dressing for, yourself or some judgmental stylist?

In dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), this is called “acting opposite to shame,” and it can change the way you feel about yourself in an instant. Put on that horizontal-striped turtleneck or clingy sweater dress one morning and give it a try.

Quit forcing yourself to eat what you don’t like

 Yes, fruits, vegetables, and whole grains are good for you, and yes, they’re part of a balanced plate. But that doesn’t mean you have to stuff your favorite pasta dish full of extra broccoli if it ruins the taste, or you need to pour chia seeds in your smoothie if you don’t actually like them. Eating out of guilt (“I should do this”) increases stress and takes pleasure out of eating, which sets the stage for feelings of rebellion and overeating later on, says Dana Notte, RD, lead dietician at Green Mountain at Fox Run, a wellness and healthy eating retreat in Vermont.

Do a weekly self-compassion meditation 

We are harder on ourselves than we are on anyone else, and most of us tend to frame thoughts about ourselves negatively rather than in a positive light. (Ever bash yourself for the minor offense of veering off a diet while telling a friend that her own diet slip-up was no big deal? Exactly.) But treating ourselves with judgment, punishment, and shame makes us less motivated to take care of ourselves, not more.

Start flexing your self-compassion muscle at least once a week by searching for “self compassion” meditations on a free app. The goal is to make self-love affirmations (such as “I am worthy” and “I can do this”) a reflexive habit.

Try a new workout once a month

“I once had a client who said she hated 99% of all exercises she had ever tried,” says Bibiana Sampaio, fitness manager at Green Mountain at Fox Run. “She found out that her 1% was shooting hoops.” If you’re not honestly enjoying your workouts or view it as the other half of a weight loss plan (rather than as a way to pump your energy level and mood), no surprise that it’s hard to get motivated.

Resolve to try a new physical activity every month and think outside of the box: hula-hooping, trampolining, snowshoeing, laughter yoga, ecstatic dance, and other ways to work out that don’t require a gym. I’ve been dying to try roller derby for years. I’m petrified, but 2019 is the year.

Check your inner fat-shamer

Even if you think you don’t have prejudices against people who live in large bodies, guess again: Research shows that “implicit bias”—underlying beliefs and attitudes that are often totally subconscious—against big people is rampant. If some part of you deep down believes that a bigger size means lack of willpower, less attractive, or less worthy, then no wonder you’re hard on yourself. Take the brief weight bias online quiz created by Harvard’s Project Implicit to test your own level of weight-hate, and think about how it may be affecting your acceptance of your own body.

Hit mute on body-obsessed friends

I actually muted my best friend’s Instagram because her frequent fitness posts distract me from my own journey. If a coworker, friend, or family member’s diet talk or body bashing is negatively affecting how you feel about yourself, do something about it. You can physically walk away, leave a group text, block or hide a social media post, or text something like, “Hey, guys, you know I’m a diet-free zone! Let’s talk about [blank] instead.”

Buy yourself two new workout outfits. Or at least some crazy tank tops 

Because it’s much more fun to move your body while wearing a shirt that says “Let’s Punch Today in the FACE!” than it is to sweat in an oversized, stretched-out gray T-shirt. Also, once you’ve found yoga pants or other gym gear you love to put on and feel amazing in, getting to the gym is that much easier.

Be imperfect, on purpose

 At least once a month, do something you are either totally unfamiliar with or truly bad at. Here’s why: Those of us who obsess about food and weight are often perfectionists at heart, and confronting and exposing ourselves to failure is a way to decrease the fear of it. My 2019 imperfection projects include taking a ballet class (oh dear) and going out for karaoke (croak).

Take a mindful breath before every meal

Mindfulness simply means paying attention to taste, smell, texture, and other sensations of the food you’re about to chow down on in front of you. Sure it sounds woo-woo, but eating mindfully helps you enjoy your meal more and notice if you’re truly full or still hungry. Start by taking just a few deep breaths before meals and setting the intention to notice your food. That includes noticing how delicious it is, and if you have room for seconds. Dood is nourishment that’s meant to be savored, after all.

Care for the body you have right here, right now

 Not five, ten, or 50 pounds from now. Not next year. Not when it feels safer, or easier. Not when you think you finally “deserve it.” Now. You deserve it now.

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VA Didn’t Spend Millions of Dollars Meant for Suicide Prevention

From Jamie Ducharme @ Time: Veterans Affairs officials failed to spend millions of dollars earmarked for veterans suicide prevention efforts in fiscal year 2018, leading to a measurable decline in outreach activity, according to a report from the U.S. Government Accountability Office (GAO).

“Leadership turnover and reorganization since 2017” led to a “decrease in suicide prevention media activities” over the past two years, the report found. The agency employed no permanent national director for suicide prevention between July 2017 and April 2018, and agency employees told investigators that there were not always leadership officials available to make key decisions or run meetings related to suicide prevention outreach. These shortcomings forced staffers to shift “their focus away from the suicide prevention media outreach campaign” and toward other mental health efforts.

Suicide, a major public health issue for the U.S. as a whole, is a particularly pressing problem for veterans. An estimated 20 veterans die by suicide each day, and the VA named suicide prevention its “highest clinical priority” in 2018.

“VA should be doing everything in its power to inform the public about the resources available to veterans in crisis,” Minnesota Rep. Tim Walz, ranking member of the House Veterans’ Affairs Committee, told the Military Times. “Unfortunately, VA has failed to do that, despite claiming the elimination of veteran suicide as its highest clinical priority.”

The GAO report uncovers a number of gaps in the VA’s suicide prevention efforts, specifically related to a media outreach campaign run by the Veterans Health Administration (VHA), an offshoot of the VA that handles healthcare for veterans. The campaign involves social media posts, public service announcements, billboards and more meant to inform veterans and members of the public about the VA’s suicide prevention resources, such as its 24/7 hotline.

An estimated 14 of the 20 daily deaths by suicide occur among veterans who have not recently interacted with the VA; outreach like that in the media campaign is meant to curtail that trend. Public health experts also consider media “messages of hope” and education about overcoming suicidal thoughts to be effective tools for suicide prevention.

The VHA had a $17.7 million suicide prevention budget for fiscal year 2018. Of this, $6.2 million was allocated for the campaign’s paid media activities, such as targeted keyword searches and advertisements. But as of September 2018, the report found, the VHA had spent just $57,000 on paid media, and officials estimated that they would spend just $1.5 million by the end of fiscal year 2018.

GAO investigators also found that social media posts associated with the campaign dropped from 339 in fiscal year 2016 to 47 during the first 10 months of fiscal year 2018. In addition, they found that as of August 2018 the VHA had not aired a suicide prevention PSA on television or the radio in more than a year — the first time since 2012 that a gap had exceeded one month.

The VHA also “has not established targets for the majority of the metrics it uses to help gauge the effectiveness of its suicide prevention media outreach campaign,” the authors write.

In a statement provided to TIME, VA Press Secretary Curtis Cashour said it has accepted the GAO’s recommendation to improve evaluation efforts, and is working with communications experts to develop better metrics. Cashour also said the VA’s new suicide prevention director is reviewing the program as a whole.

“During former VA employee David Shulkin’s brief tenure as secretary, VA’s suicide prevention outreach dropped significantly, and the suicide prevention office had no permanent leader for nearly nine months. Within weeks of his arrival at VA, then-Acting Secretary Wilkie appointed Dr. Keita Franklin as VA’s new suicide prevention director, and she is reviewing the spending for this important program as part of her duties,” Cashour said. “Suicide prevention is VA’s highest clinical priority, and as Sec. Wilkie said in the report, every death by suicide is a tragedy. We will not relent in our efforts to connect veterans in need with lifesaving support.”

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Surviving The 12 Days Of Christmas

It’s easy to overlook ourselves during the holidays, and not just because everything is merry and bright. Many of us have toxic relationships and family dysfunction thrown in our faces. The holidays can feel more lonely than any other time of the year. Here are 12 simple and virtually free ways to replenish your soul between now and 2019.

Day 1. Forgive Yourself

We didn’t know what we didn’t know. Period. This is one of those cliches that’s easy to throw around but tough to execute. Stop listening to the condemning voice in your head, at first minute by minute. The longer you ignore the self-abuse, the easier it will get. Replace the negative soundtrack with something – anything. I’ve even written out sentences to solidify a new mantra. Try writing 10 or even 100 times: I did my best. Also, find a support group or recovery group to cheer you on.

Day 2. Lavish Yourself With Quiet Time

Setting aside a few minutes first thing in the morning is an investment that returns mega rewards. My personal faves are reading from Courage To Change (an Al-Anon book), coloring in my Find Your True Colors In 12 Steps (an ROR book), and taking a few minutes to write out the Serenity Prayer. I list everything I am struggling with for the day, ask for the courage to do what I can and wisdom to know when to speak and when to be quiet. If I miss even a few days of this grounding habit, my life quickly becomes unmanageable.

Day 3. Write Your Top Ten Story

News casts will soon be airing the top stories of 2018, so why not do the same, with one twist. List 10 things you are grateful for.  When I first found recovery, I wasn’t remotely grateful to God. I was furious. HE refused to solve my problems WHEN and HOW I wanted. Can you believe it? Writing a gratitude list, begrudgingly at first, grew into beautiful proof that I could trust my Higher Power. I used pictures to post mine on Instagram. It turned out to be a lovely hour of creative distraction.

Day 4. Break Up With Anger

Trapped anger is a big deal. It magnifies every problem we face today by revisiting ALL of the problems in our past. As a result, we tend to over-react, take things personally, and heap anger on unsuspecting people in the wrong place at the wrong time. Let’s be honest, it’s really tough to say what we need to say when we need to say it. Those who really deserve our anger are the least likely to hear it.

I am personally guilty of stuffing my anger, and I even justify this behavior with recovery slogans! This year, my sponsor challenged me to let this anger out. Some techniques that work for me include:

Writing an angry letter I will never send. After writing the letter, I share it with my sponsor.
Shredding the angry letter or burning itHit and kick a punching bag

Because I took the time to work my anger out, I actually experienced true forgiveness for the first time. What a wonderful gift to see someone who has hurt me and not be forced to choke back acidic anger.

Day 5. Get Dressed AND Get Out Of The House

When it’s cold, damp, or even snowy, it’s easy to hide inside. But staying in pajamas too long should come with a warning label. This tends to invite lethargy and self-loathing. Put on pants with a waist-line, bundle up if you must and go look at some holiday decorations.

Day 6. Go For A Walk

Fresh air, even if it’s brisk or bitterly cold, is so refreshing. Walking clears your mind. If you have guests, getting out into an open space (with or without them) is so freeing.

Day 7. Take A Nap

The hustle and bustle that comes from spreading holiday cheer is exhausting. Take a few minutes or a few hours to catch up on lost sleep.

Day 8. Find Some Sparkle

When we’re tired, stressed, or even happily busy, drinking enough water is one of our first healthy habits to drop. Many complain that water is so boring and tasteless. We can neither deny or confirm those allegations.

Here’s the Best Way to Boost Your Immune System

Some people seem to breeze through cold-and-flu season without so much as a sniffle. What’s their secret?

Regular exercise is a prime candidate. “If you look at all the lifestyle factors that decrease the number of days you suffer from common cold, being a physically active and fit person is the most important,” says David Nieman, a professor of public health and director of the Human Performance Lab at Appalachian State University.

Nieman has spent years examining the effect exercise has on human health and immune function. In one of his studies, he and his colleagues found that 30 minutes of brisk walking increased the circulation of natural killer cells, white blood cells and other immune system warriors.

When these immune cells encounter an illness-causing pathogen, they can kill it very effectively, he says. “But we found that, about three hours after exercise, these immune cells retreat back to the tissues they came from,” he says. In other words, the immune-boosting effects of exercise are fairly short-lived. This is why the “regular” part of regular exercise is crucial. “If you have a housekeeper come in and clean for 30 minutes every day, by end of the month, your house will look a lot better,” he says. “I think the same thing that happens with the immune system and pathogen clearance in the body.”

Nieman says 30 to 60 minutes a day of moderate intensity aerobic exercise—think brisk walking, cycling or easy running—seem to be best when it comes to optimizing immune function. He says weightlifting may prove to be just as effective, but more study is needed. On the other hand, 75 minutes or more of intense exercise may be overdoing it, he says. “When you go that long at a high intensity, stress hormones go way up, and the immune system does not respond well to that.”

Also, while exercise can help prevent illness, it’s not so great at knocking out an existing cold or flu. “Some people think if they get sick, they can sweat it out with exercise,” he says. “But there’s no good data that exercise can be used as therapy.” In fact, research on animals suggests that hard exercise during a cold or flu can make things worse. “Rest is recommended,” he adds.

Apart from exercise, a good night’s sleep is another way to keep your immune system humming.

“We looked at identical twins where one was habitually sleeping an hour or more less than the other,” says Dr. Nathaniel Watson, a professor of neurology and sleep medicine at the University of Washington and first author of a 2017 study on sleep and immune function. “We found that in the shorter-sleeping twin, genetic pathways related to the immune system were suppressed.” He says his study’s findings are in line with other research that has shown sleep-deprived people exposed to viruses are more likely to get sick than well-rested folks.

Exactly how much sleep you need for your immune system to function at its best is tough to gauge. “There’s a lot of individual variability there, so it’s not one-size-fits-all,” Watson says. But getting seven or more hours of sleep a night seems to be a good target for most people. “That’s not seven hours in bed—it’s seven hours of sleep,” he adds.

Finally, a varied and healthy diet is essential. “What we eat fuels our body, and without proper fuel our immune systems don’t work as well,” says Dr. Jason Goldsmith, a postdoctoral researcher at the University of Pennsylvania’s Institute for Immunology. Goldsmith has studied the effect that diets have on the microbiome and immune health. He says most people in the U.S. don’t have to worry about malnutrition. But many people are deficient in certain vitamins and minerals. “In particular, the B vitamins, vitamin C, zinc and vitamin D are important for proper immune function,” he says.

While you could get some or all of these from a pill, he says eating a variety of fruits and vegetables is the better way to go. Along with providing you with the nutrients your body needs, these plant foods also contain soluble fiber, which supports the health of beneficial gut bacteria. These, in turn, seem to promote healthy immune system functioning, he says. (He adds that things are “more complicated” for people with existing medical problems. “We don’t have simple recommendations that can be applied to all patients,” he says, so talk with your doctor.)

The one big exception to this “eat your vitamins” rule is vitamin D, which isn’t easy to find in food. “Vitamin D in particular is important, as deficiency has been associated with both autoimmune diseases and poorer immune function,” Goldsmith says. Taking a vitamin D supplement could reduce your risk for common colds and infections by 10%, research has shown.

So move your body, get some sleep and eat your fruits and veggies. Do that, and friends will be asking you why you never seem to get sick.

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Being Nice, It’s That Simple

Bullying has hit a new high recently in almost every area of life. People are mean, which reminds me of the seasonal Rudolf bullying story.  Some say that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer conveys a lesson on how to deal with childhood bullying. According to the movie, after Rudolph runs away – a wonderful thing happens – he grows up! And he realizes that running away is not how to handle your troubles. I beg to differ… How does that reduce bullying?

Bullying Doesn’t Go Away By Itself

Playground bullies grow up too! These characters often become workplace bullies, and surviving a hostile workplace environment is not like being bullied as a child. Even in the space of adult self-awareness, there is still an urge to compromise all of who you are, to play a small game, and to hide out just to fit in.

Walking Away from Bullying Doesn’t Stop It

Sometimes, just walking away and failing to engage is the best that you can do when there is a lack of inclusivity. Solitude wins out over trying to fit in and detachment becomes the way to handle the behavior of those who are intent to browbeat others.

Kindness Is The Only Antidote For Bullying

The answer to bullying is not more training or knowledge, however, it’s simply being kind and tolerant of the differences that other people bring to the table. Can we learn kindness? Can we make room for people who are different from you? Can you be curious to how their life experiences have transformed them” Can you ask questions and be an active listener?

Can you just stop judging and assuming what is true for them based on what is true for you?

Everyone has a story and everyone’s story is important. Know that the way we experience life differs from the way other people experience it. No one’s experience is right or wrong… it’s just different. Let it be different without trying to change their story.

In Recovery Kindness Is Offering Zero Proof

Recently I saw a gentle reminder which stated if you’re at a holiday party and you offer someone an alcoholic beverage and they say, “I don’t drink” – the correct response is, “Is there something else I can get for you?” Just be nice… it really is that simple.

If you love ROR content,

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Why I Won’t Be Home For Christmas

This year, the holidays are hitting me hard. Thanks to Pandora, I’ve heard “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” and “(There’s No Place Like) Home For The Holidays” about 20 times every hour for the last three weeks. And yes, of course, I know I’m wallowing in my grief, so here’s how I’m going to deal with this epic disappointment.

1. Face The Truth: What A “Home” With Addiction Looks Like

My Mom and Dad live in a small, dirty, rural town. Their house has two bedrooms. My 40 year-old-brother lives in the upstairs bedroom. My dad and his gigantic gun collection live in the master, and my Mom sleeps on a twin bed in the dining room. Stacks of mail and empty food packages cover every counter surface. The room temperature is a blistering 85 degrees while the humidity hovers somewhere around 5%. It’s impossible to breathe. The fridge is packed with butter bowls filled with leftovers, most of which are moldy.

Worse than the physical atmosphere is the addiction, anger, and anxiety.  My dad distracts himself by blaring the TV. He loves old Westerns, Cops, or violent movies that are wildly frightening to me. My Mom sequesters her anger to the front porch, where the volume of her HGTV reruns and Hallmark movies rivals my Dad’s. My brother Ricky deals with this by sleeping all day and all night.

There is no room for my family in this house. Addiction has literally pushed us out. My Mom’s denial is so deep that she doesn’t see this as a problem. She has another twin bed on the front porch my husband and I could share.

2. Peace Is More Important Than Going Home

In my parents’ house, everyone is mad at someone. My Mom’s mad at my Dad. My Dad’s mad at Ricky and my Mom. Ricky hates everyone, especially the mailman. He’s got a lot of pent-up anger.

No one is happy with what anyone else is doing. Ricky cannot keep a job and doesn’t clean up after himself. My Mom gives him money, washes his clothes, and balances his checkbook. This drives my Dad crazy. At the same time, my Mom’s mad at my Dad for not doing more to help Ricky. Recovery teaches me this is all an adventure in insanity. I have to detach from this chaos.

Furthermore, I’m tired of walking on eggshells, coddling everyone, and distracting people with jokes. Most of all, I’m sick of pretending like Ricky’s life isn’t slowly and painfully ending.

3. Redefine “Home” For The Holidays

My “home” for Christmas is now MY home. It’s great that Perry Como can call his Mom’s house home. I cannot, nor would I want to. When I hear those sappy Christmas songs, I have two choices:

I can feel sad about the Hallmark I will never have, orI can make my own story-book worthy memory.

My home is lovely because it’s filled with people and pets I hold dear. I don’t have expensive possessions, most are thrift store treasures that I’ve repainted, and I adore them. I can cook what I want and watch the movies I love. Plus, after dinner, I can take a walk on the beach in the warm sunshine. I am finally living my dream, and I’m not going to let some sappy song trick me into believing a snowy fairy-tale is any better.

4. Remember My Reason For The Season

All of this family madness reaffirms why I am in recovery. I was completely enmeshed in my family of origin’s drama and addiction. I was miserable and wasting away. Finding a 12 Step program literally saved my life. I learned right away that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. I tried everything to fix my family’s problems. Nothing worked. I needed a Higher Power.

For me, recovery isn’t a religious program but it is a spiritual journey. My Higher Power has restored my peace and serenity. He has blessed me with a recovered family of friends who love me. All I have to do is trust that “He will make all things right if I surrender to His will.” (Yes, my Higher Power is a He, and this passage is from the Serenity Prayer.)

5. It’s OK To Have A Blue Christmas

I have some blue moments this Christmas for sure. I think they are coming now because I have enough recovery hours under my belt to process them. They don’t last long and they don’t persuade me to do anything crazy like visit my parents out of guilt.

The truth is, I really do love my family, and I’d be lying if I said none of this bothers me. I’m not “Fine,” but I’m not going to crumple into a marshmallow either. More than anything, on my “Grown-up Christmas List” I’d love for all of them to find recovery. I’ve told them my story and when possible I carry the message (Step 12) to them.

Recovery again reminds me that I can’t make them do anything. Everyone in my family is doing the best they can. Addiction is a cunning and baffling disease that affects the entire family. In my family, some of us are addicted to drugs and alcohol. Others are addicted to worrying and controlling.

Even though their choices make me anxious, I love them more today than I did three years ago. Not because their addictions have gotten better, but because mine have.

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Don’t Be Hard On Yourself. Science Says You Have a Good Sense of Your Own Personality

From Time:

It’s a common belief among psychologists that people’s perceptions of themselves should be taken with a grain of salt, because they’re often thought to be positively biased and less accurate than the judgments supplied by others. But you really do know yourself best, according to a new paper published in the journal Psychological Science.

The new research found that people are actually better at judging their own personalities than scientists previously assumed — and, if anything, people tend to view themselves more negatively than others do.

“I honestly went into this research thinking, ‘Yeah, we’ll find big effects for self-enhancement,’ and that wasn’t the trend at all,” says study co-author Brian Connelly, an associate professor of management at the University of Toronto-Scarborough.

That conclusion is based on a review of more than 150 prior personality research samples, which the researchers scoured to find average differences in how people self-reported their personalities compared to the how others described them.

While individuals vary in their tendencies, the researchers found that on average, people are unlikely to overhype their traits more than their family, friends or colleagues. (They did find that self-reports were often more positive than assessments from strangers, who may judge someone both inaccurately and unfairly harshly.)

Of the “Big Five” personality traits — emotional stability, extraversion, openness/intellect, agreeableness and conscientiousness — the researchers found that on average, individuals’ self-assessments tracked closely with or were even harsher than those supplied by outsiders. People’s ratings of their own emotional stability and conscientiousness were especially likely to be more negative than what their peers said.

The researchers only found a consistent positive bias in how people rated their own openness, relative to others’ descriptions. Even there, the effect was small and confined to a few sub-measures of openness, such as tendency to be reflective, explore artistic pursuits and experience new things.

But Connelly says the discrepancies in the ratings you supply for yourself versus those provided by others might have more to do with other people than with you. It’s difficult for people to understand and accurately judge another person’s innermost self, which may lead to skewed results. “Being open and thoughtful and reflective is something that people don’t necessarily see,” Connelly says. “It’s something that’s harder for them to guess, so other people may not know when it’s happening. In the same way, feeling lots of negative emotions, like anxiety and depression, are hard things to see, unless somebody talks about it.”

There’s also a well-known psychological phenomenon called the fundamental attribution bias, which says that people are more likely to blame someone else’s failings on that person’s personality, while they chalk their own shortcomings up to situational circumstances. With all of these tendencies at play, Connelly says, it’s difficult for anyone to be truly accurate and objective when it comes to assessing personality, even their own.

“Who knows personality truly and without bias? We don’t necessary know that ourselves. Other people don’t necessarily know it. But if you ask a lot of people, you’re probably getting at least a pretty good and accurate view of someone,” Connelly says. “As a whole, that means that we generally will balance out toward having accuracy in how we perceive ourselves and what we predict about ourselves.”

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