Leslie Glass's Blog, page 254

30 Creative Ways To Avoid Teen Drinking –

Yesterday, a teacher working in our local prevention program told us teen drinking is considered cool at school. How can teens turn down a drink when everyone else seems to be drinking? We’re glad you asked.

The teen years can be difficult as there are so many issues associated with growing up. Issues include learning to separate from parents, relationships with peers, school, extracurricular activities, dating, sexual pressures, and pressure to drink and drug. As alcohol is the most commonly used substance for adolescents, looking for ways to refuse drinking is important.

Best Ways To Avoid Teen Drinking

Hang out with other friends who don’t drink
Simply leave the situation when drinking starts
Walk around with soda or flavored water and sip on that instead of alcohol
Refuse the alcohol – no excuses needed. If your friends are true friends, they will respect your boundaries. They may test you for awhile, but will give up if you continue to say no.

Reasons You Can’t Drink (Even If They Aren’t Always True)

You promised your parents you wouldn’t drink
Your parents will ground you forever
Your parents smell your breath or will give you a breathalyzer when you get home
Drinking is against your own beliefs and values
You’re worried about legal charges such as a minor in possession charge or drunk-driving charge
You are on medication that makes drinking impossible
Your privileges at home will be denied such as being banned from using the car or no use of your phone
You become an angry or weepy, depressed drinker and are no fun to be around
You don’t like the taste of alcohol
There is alcoholism in the family and you don’t want to become an alcoholic
You’re allergic to alcohol (including gluten)
Your culture is one that has a high rate of alcoholism such as Native Americans
Your religious/spiritual beliefs do not support drinking
Your family upbringing is one of no alcohol use and you honor this
You’re on a sports team and can’t drink
You are focusing on school and getting into a good college
You are afraid of doing stupid things when you drink
You believe in a healthy lifestyle which includes no alcohol
You have plans in the morning so can’t allow yourself to drink and disrupt those plans
Your parents just called you and said you had to come home.

A Touch Of Humor To Avoid Teen Drinking Never Hurts

“I break out in handcuffs when I drink.”
“I spend my whole time peeing if I drink.”
“I break out in unprotected sex when I drink.”
“My parents will kill me if I get caught.”
“My dog doesn’t like me to drink.”
“I don’t want to get fat.”
“I’m so impulsive, I’ll probably get drunk and do stupid things.”
“I’m crazy enough without alcohol.”
“I’d like to keep the few brain cells I do have.”
“My parents are friends with the cops and I’m afraid of getting caught.”

Here’s one other really crucial thing to know. Women process alcohol at twice the rate of men. That means 1 drink is really two. And 2 drinks are really 4. In essence, there are many ways, creative ways, to say “no.” But the first step is up to you. You can make healthy choices or unhealthy ones.

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Unrequited Family Love Is Not Uncommon

Unrequited family love happens a lot. We hear a lot of stories about people who feel they’re being destroyed by loved ones who just…don’t act loving. What is that about? When people you love make you feel horrible, it’s hard to believe, and almost impossible to accept, that they’re just not into you. In fact, they may not love you at all. When do you know that what your gut tells you is true?

Unrequited Family Love Hurts In So Many Ways

It’s confusing. Loved ones may say they may want you around for a lot of reasons. They may want you for the façade of happy family, or happy marriage. They may believe (or know) you give good presents or money when they need it. But if you feel bad whenever you speak to them, or when they put you off or ignore you, they’re sending you a message. “I just don’t care about you.” Believe it.

These six red flags show you are anything but loved:

Denying There’s Anything Wrong

You’re not included. Your loved one has better things to do when you come to town. He/she stands you up. You can’t get him/her on the phone. You feel horrible and ask what’s going on. Your loved one says it’s all in your head, “You jealous freak, you.”

Not Listening To Anything You Say

You’re always wrong. When you disagree with a loved one and he/she lawyers you to death, it’s demoralizing. You’re battered with a dozen reasons you’re wrong. You may feel you don’t exist. And for your loved one, you don’t. There is no way you will ever win an argument or be right about anything.

Triangulating Against You

Your loved one enlists others, your friends or family, into taking sides against you by telling bad things about you. Ganging up at any age makes you into the bad guy that deserves shunning or shaming.

Keeping Secrets

There’s a lot you’re excluded from. Your loved one doesn’t want you to know what’s going on in his/her life, or hides other important facts from you. You make mistakes based on incorrect information. You feel you’re in the dark, and you are.

Gaslighting

Your loved one denies things he/she did, or lies about things you actually know the truth about. Gaslighting constantly puts you on shifting ground so that you never know what’s real. Gaslighting is intended to control and drive you crazy.

Blaming and Shaming

You’re blamed for everything–from tiny things that aren’t perfect–to everything that’s gone wrong in the family, friendship, marriage and every relationship since the beginning of time. You’re also reminded of every mistake and humiliating thing you ever did.

Unrequited Love May Be Insensitivity

Sometimes people are not aware they hurt you and can be taught to be more sensitive. If they love you, they will listen to your concerns, apologize and make adjustments. When they won’t listen, make excuses, or blame you for having legitimate feelings, however, they know exactly what they’re doing. They won’t change, and you need to find new, and trustworthy, people to love.

One note from a reader is to remind people that where mental illness plays a part in your feeling unloved or abandoned, it may be that loved ones may be suffering too much pain themselves to be able to express positive feelings for others.

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Growing Up In Recovery After You Get Sober

If you stick around recovery groups for a while, you’ll eventually hear someone talk about growing up in recovery. That’s my story. When this all began, I simply needed to get sober and stay sober. What I didn’t realize was that I came into recovery with very few skills that would be helpful for a responsible, adult life. That’s not to say I didn’t have lots of other finely tuned skills, but things like professional accountability, financial responsibility, and emotional stability? Not so much. I was severely lacking the tools for living that could help me navigate the ups-and-downs of life.

I had no clue I wouldn’t just be getting sober, I’d be growing up in recovery

My early sobriety was often riddled with setbacks having to do with any of the following: Arguments with friends or family could push me right off the beam. I didn’t really understand how my behavior affected others and I definitely let the behaviors of others dictate my happiness, and how I felt about myself.

From personal to professional, I needed pointers on how to behave that would support a new way of living

When things got complicated or stressful in professional situations I would find some way out, not realizing the inconvenience that caused. I didn’t have the best follow through or ability to take criticism early on and it didn’t serve me well at work.

Even when it came to finances and basic organization, I needed help

Then, when it came to my personal finances, I was always surprised by things like bills and taxes and I was rarely prepared to get them done or paid. In part, because that was not something I had ever learned how to do. I had bookkeepers and accountants from the age of 16. But, by my mid 30s that was something I needed to learn how to do for myself for a bazillion reasons.

Learning how to be an adult was a daunting but necessary task

The positive part of this story is, I always wanted to be better and was willing to learn. I also had access to great sponsors, therapists, life coaches, you name it. One of the biggest reasons I became an advocate was to help lawmakers understand that everyone needs access to help and great healthcare, regardless of their insurance situation. Help and support are a key ingredient for the recovery of trauma, addiction, mental health issues and in my case, arrested development.

Growing up after sobriety requires the help of many

I grew up in recovery with the guidance and support of sponsors, mentors and professionals. I would not have been able to do it without my recovery army and their direction. There were things I would not have been able to hear about myself from family and friends. Breakthroughs I never would have had without professional help and the support of other people in recovery. Knowing I wasn’t alone through this made all the difference. Having friends to walk through it all with also carried me at times.

When I started writing down little gems from my tutelage, I didn’t think more of it than providing some life tips for our audience. When people wrote in asking where it was compiled was the first I considered putting it all together in one place. But, thus was born 100 Tips For Growing Up. If nothing else, I’m glad I did the exercise of putting it all into writing. It honors those who helped me. It honors me that I can do these things today. Complete the task. From concept through execution. Make it a pleasant experience for everyone. Share the information that was freely, and not so freely, given to me.

Get The Guidebook For Growing Up

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Enabler No More

Being an enabler meant that most my life I’ve believed that the best way to be productive is to work at something every waking hour of every single day. I thought this was a good work ethic, but that attitude of non-stop doing, far from helping me, actually set me up for being the enabler/spoiler I became.

I Was A First Class Enabler

If I saw something that needed doing, I did it. After all, I was the one with the energy. I was the stronger one, and I did things quickly. I called it “picking up the slack.” In reality while crises seemed to be resolved, the effect was just to make everything look better and safer than it actually was. Being a fixer (not like the kind in the mob) was exhausting. The constant resolving of every little crisis that came along also set me up for many kinds of disappointment. I just couldn’t get anything really fixed. And I was exhausted all the time. I had furrows in my forehead that made me look mad. In fact I was sad. A lot.

Where There Is Substance Use Disorder Enabling Is Not Fixing

If there is active Substance Use Disorder or Alcohol Use Disorder in the family, one crisis follows another. Lost keys, lost credit cards, unpaid bills, run-ins at school, at work, with the law, overdrawn bank accounts are all common occurrences. And so are late night calls to the fixer. The one who deals with problems also becomes the driver of the person(s) who lost the license, credit card, job, etc, and runs the errands that can no longer be performed by the person who may or may not have helped out before. The fixer is a workhorse, and is always waiting for the next shoe to drop.

 Enabling Has No Rewards

Jenna, a mom fixer like me said,

“My children, for whom I worked so hard didn’t appreciate my efforts at all. My husband only gave me grief by finding fault when everything wasn’t perfect. And our household was far from perfect. I was always upset.”

Often family members want more than any human could possibly give, and the fixer pays the price for trying. There are a lot of moms and dads and sisters and brothers and daughters and sons who try really hard and feel worse and worse as the years go by. Millions of very good people don’t feel good about themselves or their situation and aren’t really sure why. Enablers never feel good about themselves.

It Is Not Better To Give Than Receive

We are taught to be kind and giving, even that it is better to give than receive. But we all need to receive as well. Don’t believe anybody who says otherwise. Enabling, while it seems helpful at the time, over a long period of time is actually not allowing others to take responsibility for their own actions and poor decisions. If your loved ones expect you to be the fixer and can’t give anything back, you’re the loser. But so are they.

Enablers Get Lost In Good Deeds

When you work very hard all the time to help (as so many family members do), others begin to expect you to be the fixer for everything. They may forget to be kind when you’d rather take a nap. Worse, they may become enraged when you stop fixing altogether. This expectation doesn’t change when substance abuse stops. Many people believe if only their loved ones would stop using, life would be good again. It doesn’t work that way. It takes time for addiction and enabling to take hold, and it takes time to let go of destructive habits. It seems unfair that the recovery work for an enabler is just as hard as the recovery work for behavior or substance addiction.

Get The Roadmap for Growing Up in Recovery
Let’s Face It The Enabler Has An Addiction, Too

Retiring from the fix-it job means giving up an addiction. It’s a tough transition for everyone. People you love may become really mad at you. That feels even worse than not being appreciated. You feel guilty…and scared.  Bad things could happen to people you love. You might fear that their consequences are your fault. They would certainly like you to believe that. As a retired enabler, you’re getting something back, and it feels a lot like hate. That is the cost of recovery and freedom.

Enabler No More

While I liked to think I was doing good in my decades of enabling, I actually prevented people I loved from growing. I didn’t allow myself to rest and enjoy life. I didn’t know how. Now I can choose to do exactly what’s right for me on any given day, and I have a lot more fun. That’s very liberating. Those who have to start picking up their own slack, no matter what the consequences, may not see it that way. Freedom for an enabler may be challenging at first for loved ones. No one said recovery from any addiction is easy. Trust me, if I can change, anyone can.

Explore Al-Anon, to meet others who share the same experiences.

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God In A Box VS. A God Box –

Religion taught me to put God in a box. Recovery teaches me to put my problems in a God Box. Everything I knew about religion I learned in Church, but everything I know about God, I learned in recovery.

God In A Box

My relationship for God goes way back to Bible school and lacy socks, felt boards and red kool-aid, but back then, I was terrified of God. I thought he was as big as the jolly Green giant, but He wasn’t green or jolly.

As I grew up, my relationship with God mirrored all of my other codependent relationships. I was very afraid of Him. I felt I had to be perfect to avoid His wrath. In my mind, He had all of the Wizard of Oz’s powers, but He was just as stingy. If I wanted help from God, I was sure He wouldn’t grant it. I felt like I had to do all of the work for Him. Then I prayed for Him to have mercy on me and bless my well-crafted solution.

My Mistrust Grew

In my college years, my dear friend Jason was diagnosed with cancer. I knew God could and should cure Jason. Every day and night, I prayed and I asked all of my friends to pray. I had enough faith to move mountains, and yet Jason died. This affirmed my view of a cold, uncaring God, and it was only the first of many major disappointments.

With my codependency came extreme anxiety. I never slept. I spent years of sleepless nights praying over and over for my loved ones’ safety and sobriety. Praying never brought me the peace it was supposed to, nor did it bring sobriety for my loved ones. My faith weakened and my resentments grew. By the time I finally sought recovery, I was merely living until I died, and I didn’t believe God loved me.

Slowly God Outgrows The Box

In recovery, I learned I was codependent in all of my relationships, especially with God. I tried to control and manipulate God the same way I tried to control and manipulate everyone else. I had no serenity because I refused to accept life on life’s terms. Letting go of my problems was out of the question. I trusted no one.

A few days after my first meeting, my sponsor asked me to trust God with a decision. I waited for a week and finally settled on something small and insignificant.

Believe it or not, He came through for me. From there, I have slowly, slowly, slowly been learning to trust God more and more. The more I learn about my codependency and poor mental health, the more I learn about how wrong I was about God.

Once I learned to let other people pray their own prayers, I had more peace. This is an example of my codependency; I was enmeshed with everyone: siblings, spouse, parents, child, friends, cousins, neighbors, cashiers, and bank tellers. Not only did I let go of praying for them, but I also learned to let them run their own lives. What a novel idea. Then, I slowly learned to let my Higher Power run mine.

A God Box And The Serenity Prayer

Early on, I fell in love with the Serenity Prayer. Over and over I wrote out my worries:

God, grant me the serenity to accept: ____________. Please God, give me the courage to change: _______________. Above all, please give me the wisdom to know what to do.

I still regularly use this tool, and most days I sleep well at night free from obsessive thoughts.

Some days, however, I have a particularly difficult time accepting reality. More often, I don’t want to have the courage to set hard boundaries. On those days, I write my problems on post-it notes and place them in my God box. My God box is a small decorative tin. Yours can be anything. I keep mine by my bed. One of my favorite “old timers” keeps his in the freezer. Then he can tell the newcomers he keeps his mom on ice. (A little recovery humor.)

When I start obsessing over the problem, I remind myself that the problem is in the God box. God, I’m sure, doesn’t give it a priority. It’s simply a trick to keep my mind from racing so fast. It helps me let go when I’m being stubborn.

Sure, I could put all of my problems in the God box right away and enjoy much more serenity, but I’m slow to let go. I think I’ll be in recovery forever.

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How Long Does It Take To Heal –

Eighteen months. That’s how much time researchers say it takes to heal. Eighteen months for each stress inducing life event. Be it marriage or divorce, birth or death, diagnosis or remission; the fact is that the body doesn’t know “good” stress from “bad” stress. The time allotment is the same for each: eighteen months.

When too much happens too quickly and the stressors are multiplied, there can be overwhelm and eighteen months can stretch into thirty-six or forty-eight. Which, in turn, can be cause for more overwhelm. The process of healing is one that takes time, and it takes the time it takes.

Time To Heal Takes Time

When eighteen months seems to pass slowly, the tendency is to rush decisions and go along with what others want.  We tell ourselves that enough time has passed and we are ready to move forward without any kind of real conviction.  There’s a period of elation and it appears from all outward signs that we have healed…. right up until we run into another stressor. It’s usually something minor – an aside comment, a breakdown in communication, a flat tire – and we’re right back down the rabbit hole. Better to give ourselves permission to take the full eighteen months to heal and when we’re chomping at the bit to get back into life, we’ll know we are truly ready to take on whatever comes our way.

Learning Patience

Taking action and getting back on the court of life can only really be accomplished when we are invested in the forward progress. Indecision and waffling often occurs when we are trying to reach someone else’s finish line.

Healing Is An Individual Process

There is no right way to heal, there’s only your way. Give yourself permission to take at least eighteen months to find out what that means for you. Be committed to curiosity and not judging, fixing or rushing. Eighteen months. Take them.

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12 Symptoms Of Codependency –

Symptoms of codependency are easy to spot., not so easy to heal. Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs. It also describes a relationship that enables another person to maintain their irresponsible, addictive, or underachieving behavior.

Do you expend all of your energy in meeting your partner’s needs? Do you feel trapped in your relationship? Are you the one that is constantly making sacrifices in your relationship? Then you may be in a codependent relationship.

The term codependency has been around for decades. Although it originally applied to spouses of alcoholics (first called co-alcoholics), researchers revealed that the characteristics of codependents were much more prevalent in the general population than had previously imagined. In fact, they found that if you were raised in a dysfunctional family or had an ill parent, you could also be codependent.

Researchers also found that codependent symptoms got worse if left untreated. The good news is that they’re reversible.

Symptoms Of Codependency

The following is a list of symptoms of codependency and being in a codependent relationship. You don’t need to have them all to qualify as codependent.

1. Low Self-Esteem

Feeling that you’re not good enough or comparing yourself to others are signs of low self-esteem. The tricky thing about self-esteem is that some people think highly of themselves, but it’s only a disguise — they actually feel unlovable or inadequate. Underneath, usually hidden from consciousness, are feelings of shame. Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself.

2. People-Pleasing

It’s fine to want to please someone you care about, but codependents usually don’t think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes them anxiety. Some codependents have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.

3. Poor Boundaries

Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what’s yours and somebody else’s, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That’s especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else.Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and having rigid ones.

4. Reactivity

A consequence of poor boundaries is that you react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings. If someone says something you disagree with, you either believe it or become defensive. You absorb their words, because there’s no boundary. With a boundary, you’d realize it was just their opinion and not a reflection of you and not feel threatened by disagreements.

5. Caretaking

Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. It’s natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesn’t want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isn’t taking their advice.

6. Control

Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their life. You wouldn’t want to live in constant uncertainty and chaos, but for codependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings. Sometimes they have an addiction that either helps them loosen up, like alcoholism, or helps them hold their feelings down, like workaholism, so that they don’t feel out of control. Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. In fact, people-pleasing and care-taking can be used to control and manipulate people. Alternatively, codependents are bossy and tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. This is a violation of someone else’s boundary.

7. Dysfunctional Communication

Codependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs. Of course, if you don’t know what you think, feel or need, this becomes a problem. Other times, you know, but you won’t own up to your truth. You’re afraid to be truthful, because you don’t want to upset someone else. Instead of saying, “I don’t like that,” you might pretend that it’s okay or tell someone what to do. Communication becomes dishonest and confusing when you try to manipulate the other person out of fear.

8. Obsessions

Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. This is caused by their dependency and anxieties and fears. They can also become obsessed when they think they’ve made or might make a “mistake.” Sometimes you can lapse into fantasy about how you’d like things to be or about someone you love as a way to avoid the pain of the present. This is one way to stay in denial, discussed below, but it keeps you from living your life.

9. Dependency

Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. They’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own. Others need always to be in a relationship, because they feel depressed or lonely when they’re by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped.

10. Denial

One of the problems people face in getting help for codependency is that they’re in denial about it, meaning that they don’t face their problem. Usually they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another and never own up the fact that they have a problem.

Codependents also deny their feelings and needs. Often, they don’t know what they’re feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other people’s needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. Although some codependents seem needy, others act like they’re self-sufficient when it comes to needing help. They won’t reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy.

11. Problems With Intimacy

By this I’m not referring to sex, although sexual dysfunction often is a reflection of an intimacy problem. I’m talking about being open and close with someone in an intimate relationship. Because of the shame and weak boundaries, you might fear that you’ll be judged, rejected, or left. On the other hand, you may fear being smothered in a relationship and losing your autonomy. You might deny your need for closeness and feel that your partner wants too much of your time; your partner complains that you’re unavailable, but he or she is denying his or her need for separateness.

12. Painful Emotions

Codependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; making mistakes; being a failure; feeling trapped by being close or being alone. The other symptoms lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings are too much, you can feel numb.

There is help for recovery and change for people who are codependent. The first step is getting guidance and support. These symptoms are deeply ingrained habits and difficult to identify and change on your own. Join a 12-Step program, such as Codependents Anonymous, Al-anon, ACA or seek counseling. Work on becoming more assertive and building your self-esteem.

From Darlene Lancer @ Psych Central:

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10 Signs Of An Abusive Relationship

Do you know the signs of an abusive relationship? It can be confusing. What do you need to know and what steps should you take?  If you or someone you love is suffering from behavior described below, be aware that the situation needs attention.

This may have happened to you. Your partner apologizes and says the hurtful behavior won’t happen again, but you fear it will. At times you wonder whether you’re imagining the abuse, yet the emotional or physical pain you feel is real. If this sounds familiar, you might be experiencing domestic violence.

Can you recognize domestic violence?

Domestic violence — also called intimate partner violence — occurs between people in an intimate relationship. Domestic violence can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse and threats of abuse. Men are sometimes abused by partners, but domestic violence is most often directed toward women. Domestic violence can happen in heterosexual or same-sex relationships.

How can you tell it’s an abusive relationship

It might not be easy to identify domestic violence at first. While some relationships are clearly abusive from the outset, abuse often starts subtly and gets worse over time. You might be experiencing domestic violence if you’re in a relationship with someone who:

Calls you names, insults you or puts you down
Prevents or discourages you from going to work or school
Prevents or discourages you from seeing family members or friends
Tries to control how you spend money, where you go, what medicines you take or what you wear
Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful
Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs
Threatens you with violence or a weapon
Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you, your children or your pets
Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will
Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it

If you’re lesbian, bisexual or transgender, you might also be experiencing domestic violence if you’re in a relationship with someone who:

Threatens to tell friends, family, colleagues or community members your sexual orientation or gender identity
Tells you that authorities won’t help a lesbian, bisexual or transgender person
Tells you that leaving the relationship means you’re admitting that lesbian, bisexual or transgender relationships are deviant
Says women can’t be violent
Justifies abuse by telling you that you’re not “really” lesbian, bisexual or transgender

Abusive relationship and pregnancy and children

Sometimes domestic violence begins — or increases — during pregnancy, putting your health and the baby’s health at risk. The danger continues after the baby is born. Even if your child isn’t abused, simply witnessing domestic violence can be harmful. Children who grow up in abusive homes are more likely to be abused and have behavioral problems than are other children. As adults, they’re more likely to become abusers or think abuse is a normal part of relationships. You might worry that seeking help will further endanger you and your child or that it might break up your family, but it’s the best way to protect your child — and yourself.

The pattern of violence in an abusive relationship

If you’re in an abusive situation, you might recognize this pattern:

Your abuser threatens violence
The abuser strikes
Your abuser apologizes, promises to change and offers gifts
The cycle repeats itself

The longer you stay in an abusive relationship, the greater the physical and emotional toll. For immediate help, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (800-799-7233).

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The Freedom To Say No

What happened to the freedom to say no? No one these days answers the question, “How do you live your life?” with the answer “I’m afraid to say no.” But so many of us live in this space of answering yes to every demand and request with alarming tenacity.

No Freedom To Say No

How many of us tend to take on tasks even when our plates are overflowing; and then complain we are overwhelmed and have too much to do? Couple this with an inability to ask for what we want, and we have the perfect storm: stress and anxiety swirling with great force in every area of our lives.

It seems that we don’t merely invite stress and anxiety; we require them as our constant companions. How many people long for a vacation, staycation, or just a moment to ourselves so we can breathe? Everybody. But most of us bristle at the suggestion that we are the ones creating our own stress.

Imagining Negative Consequences Of Saying No

It all stems from what we think will happen. We believe we can’t say no to our bosses, spouses, children, family, friends and even our pets. If we say no to them, we’re afraid of what will happen to them, or how they will feel, or even what they will do to retaliate when we want something. This fear of the consequences of no means we stay stuck in a pattern which lacks self-advocacy and freedom. We fail to stand up for ourselves in a meaningful way that could result in a positive change in our relationships and our lives. This dynamic of always saying yes, and never asking for what we want keeps us stuck in the status quo.

Having Expectations Of Disappointment

After all, we already know what’s going to happen if we ask for, say, a raise…right? (Add excuse here.) We already know the answer will be no before we ask the question – so what’s the point in asking? The same goes for family members who are always demanding things from us but never returning any favors. Thought patterns such as these are what keep us firmly planted wherever we are. The truth is, the answer will always be no to our needs unless we ask, and not the other way around.

In fact, many times people feel they don’t have to have an actual conversation with someone from who they want help because they’ve played out the scenario in their heads and believe they know the answer will not be a good one.  The outcome contrived is always the one that keeps us stuck in the not asking. We live our lives believing that we know all the answers, so we never ask the questions!

The Freedom To Say No…And To Ask For What We Want

Imagine how freeing it would be if we could let go of what we think is going to happen. If we could stop projecting our negativity on every situation, we could have the freedom to say no and the ability to ask for what we need. No doesn’t mean any of the myriad of connotations that we attach to it, and asking for what we want is a good way to get some yeses. But if someone does say no to us, that also is part of life. No is just no. We all have to learn to live with it.

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Healthy Lifestyle May Offset Genetic Risk Of Dementia

From Science Daily:

Living a healthy lifestyle may help offset a person’s genetic risk of dementia, according to new research.

The study was led by the University of Exeter — simultaneously published today in JAMA and presented at the Alzheimer’s Association International Conference 2019 in Los Angeles. The research found that the risk of dementia was 32 per cent lower in people with a high genetic risk if they had followed a healthy lifestyle, compared to those who had an unhealthy lifestyle.

Participants with high genetic risk and an unfavourable lifestyle were almost three times more likely to develop dementia compared to those with a low genetic risk and favourable lifestyle.

Joint lead author Dr El?bieta Ku?ma, at the University of Exeter Medical School, said: “This is the first study to analyse the extent to which you may offset your genetic risk of dementia by living a healthy lifestyle. Our findings are exciting as they show that we can take action to try to offset our genetic risk for dementia. Sticking to a healthy lifestyle was associated with a reduced risk of dementia, regardless of the genetic risk.”

The study analysed data from 196,383 adults of European ancestry aged 60 and older from UK Biobank. The researchers identified 1,769 cases of dementia over a follow-up period of eight years. The team grouped the participants into those with high, intermediate and low genetic risk for dementia.

To assess genetic risk, the researchers looked at previously published data and identified all known genetic risk factors for Alzheimer’s disease. Each genetic risk factor was weighted according to the strength of its association with Alzheimer’s disease.

To assess lifestyle, researchers grouped participants into favourable, intermediate and unfavourable categories based on their self-reported diet, physical activity, smoking and alcohol consumption. The researchers considered no current smoking, regular physical activity, healthy diet and moderate alcohol consumption as healthy behaviours. The team found that living a healthy lifestyle was associated with a reduced dementia risk across all genetic risk groups.

Joint lead author Dr David Llewellyn, from the University of Exeter Medical School and the Alan Turing Institute, said: “This research delivers a really important message that undermines a fatalistic view of dementia. Some people believe it’s inevitable they’ll develop dementia because of their genetics. However it appears that you may be able to substantially reduce your dementia risk by living a healthy lifestyle.”

The study was led by the University of Exeter in collaboration with researchers from the University of Michigan, the University of Oxford, and the University of South Australia.

 

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