Mandy Hubbard's Blog, page 4

Can the Equinox tell the difference between prized posessions and total junk?

So, as you may recall, I've been given free rein for the month with a Chevy Equinox. When I discovered that the car is smart enough to turn the seatbelt alarm on and off depending on what's in the front seat, I couldn't NOT try it out, using a few of my personal belongings.

here's the result:

In Which Mandy tests the automatic airbag/seatbelt sensors... from NW Chevy Girls on Vimeo.

All i have to say is: It's ON, Equinox. IT'S ON.

In Which Mandy stocks up for the Zombie Apocolypse...

So,  I read somewhere yesterday that the zombie apocolypse is scheduled for 1:27 PM on June 29, 2011. So I have been really busy stocking up on shotguns and barbwire and, you know, the five essential food groups. Luckily, I'm still rolling around in the chevy equinox, which makes stocking up for the zombie fallout shelter that much easier.

Case in point:
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 Room to spare! After I picked up the groceries, I dropped by the army surplus store and picked up some artillery and bullet proof vests. There's no evidence a bullet proof vest actually wards off zombies, but I wanted one anyway, and, yanno, I had room in the cargo area for one.

More soon!

In Which Mandy asks OnStar to find Edward Cullen...

So, for the month of June, the Northwest Chevy Dealers asked me test drive a Chevy Equinox, with the vague idea of me blogging, tweeting, and Vlogging about it, as part of Chevy's GIRLS ON THE GO program. They told me to have fun and be goofy, and let's be honest, they must not know me that well, becuase goofy is all I do. Life's too short to be serious and NOT bust out in spontaneous dance moves.

We picked up the keys at a radio station last week, and one of the dealers, from Puyallup Chevrolet, was there recording the whole event.

Check out yours truly at about 4 minutes in:

So, yeah. I warned you. Goofy. But I could tell already, this month was going to be fun. The car (ahem, Crossover!) is kinda adorable:
 

When I picked up my daughter at day care that day, she was very confused. Then all she wanted was to sit in the car and push buttons all afternoon.

So, back to the inherent dorkiness. For my first mission, I decided to test out the OnStar, in the hopes it would lead me to a den of Sparkly Vampires. Here's the result:


In Which Mandy uses Onstar to find Edward Cullen from NW Chevy Girls on Vimeo.


Man I can't wait to see what other ridiculous things I can do this month. I'll be tweeting with the #chevygirls hashtag, or you can follow the other girls as well by checking out NW CHEVY on facebook.

More soon!

What is success...?

Earlier this week, Publisher's Marketplace chose to include in their newsletter a follow up on last years big BEA Buzz books. Apparently, they do this every  year. In the newsletter, they revealed bookscan #s for each title.

And boy, did I cringe.

It's not that these numbers aren't fairly easy to get a hold of-- most publishing professionals have access to bookscan, either themselves or through an associate. But I do think a lot of PM users don't, in fact, have access, or if they do, they wouldn't have thought to run to bookscan and look up these specific numbers.

Alas, the numbers were served up on a silver platter to anyone who paid this month's $20 membership fee. The numbers weren't all that impressive for most of the titles. In fact, PM led into the YA titles by saying, "There were fewer standouts among last year's YA buzz panel selections..." A couple of the titles did well, but the other three had what appears to be low numbers.

The thing is, though, PM gave these numbers little to no context. We don't know what they sold for, advance-wise (or we may have just a vague idea of it via the deal listing), we usually don't know what the print run was,  and they also didn't point out that while these books were "last year's" buzz books, they actually all released between September and November, so they've only been out 6-7 months. We have no idea if the sales are increasing and building or dropping off.

In any case, the whole thing prompted a discussion in one of my writer's groups in which someone asked... are those numbers good or bad? What IS a good number?

To which I said... it's all about the context.  One of the maddening things about being an author is that you rarely actually KNOW what your publisher is hoping or expecting out of your book. You can draw your own conclusions based upon your advance size, the print run, the publicity (or lack of)...  but it's unlikely anyone will ever voluntarily come out and say, "hey, we really need this title to sell 20,000 copies." 

And that is crazy making. It's like going on a date with a guy who plays coy and all you can think is DOES HE LIKE ME? Or did he expect me to be prettier? Funnier? WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE SO MYSTERIOUS? Maybe I should ASK him if he likes me. Then at least I'll know. But what if I don't like the answer? Then I can't go back and unask the question. Then i KNOW he doesn't like me.

And that's it... really. You want to come right out and ask your publisher... "So, are you guys happy with the sales, or what?" but you'll be afraid to because.... what if they say no? Will that one word answer define you, and the way you feel about your career?

There are some books that are pretty clear, runaway successes. I believe John Green once said his advance for LOOKING FOR ALASKA was $7,000 (someone correct me if I'm wrong!). He went on to win the printz and become... well... John Green. When he sits down with his publisher, I rather doubt he's wondering DO THEY THINK I AM PRETTY? (Okay, I should drop the metaphor...).

It's the enormous grey area that is harder to understand, harder to come to terms with. If you get a $25,000 advance and sell 10,000 hardcover books that first year, netting around $15,000 toward the advance and the paperback is coming out soon.... is that good? Or bad? Are they disapointed or pleased? 

If you got a $500,000 advance and you sell 100,000 hardcover copies the first year out of the gate... is THAT good? Or bad?

The short answer is... I can't tell you, and maybe YOU won't even know either. Some editors may be forthcoming and helpful about this information if asked, but others may not be allowed to share key details, or may simply not have the information readily available.

The eventual goal is to earn out, yes. But it's more than that. It's to grow with each book. For sales to continually improve, for you to keep finding more and more readers.

And that's why I cringed when I saw five authors' sales blasted widely. Because there wasn't enough context to know if those books were successful, and because behind those five books are five authors who may not know either.

In Which Mandy fails... at iClue

So... remember that little thing called iClue that I was participating in? "Participating" turned out to be... well.... yeah.

My clues were supposed to go up while I was in NYC on my jam-packed trip, and my wifi didn't work... and i FAILED YOU ALL.

Ahem. Sorry for that. I apologize if I confused y'all.

Since you didn't get my actual clue, and because these very talented ladies buzzed MY book while promoting iClue, I'm doing a bonus giveaway... of ALL SIX books seen above. I'll order them right on powells.com and have them shipped direct to your house.

All you have to do is:

A) Leave a comment and you're entered.

B) Leave a link to anywhere you've reviewed or buzzed one of these books, and you get a bonus entry.

C) If you hosted an iClue banner on your blog throughout the Epic iClue Extravaganza, comment a third time with a link to where it is, and you get a third chance to win.

Good luck!

This giveway is open to the US and anywhere Book Depository ships. (which is where I'll order if you're international.). Since iClue officially ends on Sunday, so does this giveaway.

The Epic Post On Trends (YA & MG)

As I said in my last blog post, writers seem to care deeply about two things: Money and Trends.  I was kind of half joking, except my post on money ended up with about 3,000 hits in 36 hours, so…. I guess you guys really like to talk about money. As more than one person pointed out, the post focused heavily on the initial advance and not other avenues for getting paid in publishing, and so I’ll definitely do a follow up—my intention was to focus on the initial deal, because, well, writers focus on the initial deal.

But this post is about the other half of That Thing You Want to Know. It’s a post on trends. More specifically, trends within the kidlit-o-sphere, which is where I specialize. So, sorry if you write adult fic, this post is not for you. ;-)

Last week, I visited with editors at pretty much every major publisher—MacMillan, Houghton-Mifflin, Harper Collins, Penguin, Random House, and Scholastic, plus some who more recently moved into the YA/MG/PB game, like Sourcebooks, Harlequin Teen, K Teen, etc. In all, I had 37 meetings.

It’s pretty common for agents outside of NYC to do trips like this, and it’s always fun to see what kind of patterns emerge by the end of the first day, and by the end of the week.  The basic gist of the meeting is that we talk about an editor’s imprint—what kind of program it is (literary? Commercial?), what sort of books they publish, what has been a big seller or award winner for them, etc. We talk about what they are dying to see cross their desks, what they see far too much of, and any very specific interests.

So, here’s a catchall summary of the state of publishing when it comes to PB, MG, and YA. Full disclosure—I don’t rep PB, but Kristin, my cohort here at D4EO Lit does, and many MG/YA editors edit those as well, so we did talk of picture books. However, my run down on that front is pretty brief.

 

PICTURE BOOKS:

Most editors weren’t interested in the sweet, I LOVE MY MOMMY kind of books. They want fun hooks, possibly with humor, and really vibrant, ground-breaking art. They want books that are fun to read aloud. One editor referenced SHARK VS TRAIN as a good example.  

 

MIDDLE GRADE:

Just like last year, editors are really short on MG and feel this market is primed to boom in the way YA has… but that hardly any one is actually, you know, writing it. One editor said only 10% of her subs are MG, and the rest is YA, when in fact she’s most into MG of the two. Part of the problem is that as we heard over and over, MG is just a really hard voice to nail.

Things that are working well in MG? Magical realism, humor, big hooks, distinctive voices. There’s definitely plenty of room for those really amazing coming of age stories too. (One editor even said they’d love a boy coming of age—and I know we typically think GIRL on that front.)

A couple houses have some “Homeward bound” sort of books with animals overcoming the odds to find their way home, so animal books still do really well here.  

Multiple editors really want the next RAMONA. And they would *DEFINITELY* love the next Penderwicks (there was some serious gushing going on over that book.)

Many houses are definitely looking for those really accessible graphic hybrid sort of books—whether that means heavily illustrated chapter books or something really fun in a novel format.

A few editors would love something sort of Coraline or Tim Burton-esque as well, something inventive and stand-out.

Young Adult:

The YA market is definitely competitive—a lot of really amazing material out there, and a lot of really talented writers. That said, it was really refreshing to hear the huge diversity in what is being published, and what editors want to see.

Most editors feel that the buying craze for Dystopians is waning, but new projects still incite bidding wars when they are really, truly original. A couple of editors said point blank that they have not yet bought a dystopian and would be happy to discover a great one, but they do think it needs to be relatively soon.

When it comes to straight-up paranormal romance, it does need to be really fresh and original, with kick-butt writing. The shelves in paranormal romance are crowded, and book buyers (as in, the buyer for the store, not the individual readers) may be a bit weary. But again, kick-ass paranormal romance still sells. I did not have any editors say  “please, no more paranormal romance.” And there’s definitely more coming out soon.

I did hear a lot of editors wanting ghost stories. Not neccessarily paranormal romance ghost stories, but possibly gothic creepy ghost stories.

MANY editors would love a thriller/suspense/horror. Most said more of the psychological kind, not the slasher/guy-with-a-chainsaw kind, but there was room for both, really. If you've written something seriously, insanely scary, you're in luck.

In general, editors love the projects which can’t be easily pigeon-holed into a “dystopian book” or a “paranormal book”, but rather sort of blended genres (and/or “floated above” them). This is a REALLY good place to be, because an editor (and sales force) can adapt their pitching/spin depending on where the market is when your book, you know, actually hits shelves. One editor had a project which they bought because it was a dystopia, but they’re packaging it be more of a fantasy/sci-fi so that readers don’t think of it as “another dystopian.”  So, if your book is a hybrid of sorts, you’ll be in great shape.

Fantasy, in general, is of interest, though few editors want the truly epic LORD OF THE RINGS style fantasy—being accessible to a wide range of readers is important.

We heard all week long: Editors are hedging bets that sci-fi may be the next big wave/trend. Partly this is because we just haven’t seen a lot of it lately and it feels more fresh/stand-out, and partly because dystopian sometimes naturally evolves into the sci-fi  realm, so in many ways, readers are being prepped to move in this direction.

Another thing I heard all day, every day? Realistic/Contemporary YA is a tough sell, but almost every editor really, really wants it to rally and come back in a huge way. Some editors joked that they are going to force it to come back by buying some killer Realistic/Contemp. Successful books like ANNA AND THE FRENCH KISS By Stephanie Perkins and PERFECT CHEMISTRY by Simone Elkeles make everyone very hopeful that this trend continues. The more contemps that break out, the more likely this trend can actually pan out. So if you’re a contemp lover, get thee to the bookstore. If the readers don’t buy it, the editors can’t buy it.

Retellings are still hot, but it’s best if its not something like a straight-up contemporary version of an oft-used tale, like Cinderella. More inventive retellings, or retellings of the more obscure fairy tales/poems/etc are a plus. Also, apparently Edgar Allen Poe is the new black. Just sayin—I think three editors have something Poe-esque coming down the pipeline.  One editor mentioned A CURSE AS DARK AS GOLD as being one of her favorite retellings.

When it comes to historical (both MG and YA), the market is tough, but if it has a hook, that helps. If you’re writing something Luxe-esque, rejoice, because editors are definitely looking for the modern, scandalous, steamy kind of historical (and so am I!) I was also surprised that a few editors are really liking recent historical stuff—anything from the 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s,70s, etc. The key with most editors is that setting and a sense of place is super important here. Research should shine through in the details, so that the atmosphere pops.

 

Boy YA is still tough, and needs to appeal to girls in at least some regard, or it may get shot down at acquisitions.

 

Random Thing #1: One of my favorite questions for editors is—“What book from another publisher do you wish was yours?

By the end of the week, I would have bet $5 that every time I asked that the answer would be CHIME by Frannie Billingsly. It’s now on my must-read list because I have to know why they are all in love with this book!

Other books I heard more than once:

Jellicoe Road

Graceling

Boyfriend List

White Cat

 

Random #2: There are definitely more editors working on graphic novels than there were last year.

Random #3: Characters of other races, religions, etc, are high on the priority list, as most eds want to see more diversity. One thing, though, is that in many cases they want a book about a character who happens to be black, or jewish, or in a wheel chair, not a book about a character’s identity as it relates to those specific things.

Random #4: Romance in YA (or the stirrings of romance in MG) always helps with girl appeal!

 

Okay, so that’s my run-down. If you have specific questions on certain kinds of books, feel free to ask away, and I can let you know if those books were anything that came up in meetings that I didn’t recap here.

ETA: Here's LAST YEAR'S trend watch, if you'd like to compare....

and REMEMBER WHAT I SAY ABOUT TRENDS -- and whether it's smart to chase them.

BUT I LOVE HIM release day!

Today is a very exciting day! Not only is it mothers day (AND I head to NYC today..) but it is is the official release date for BUT I LOVE HIM, the book I wrote under the psuedonym Amanda Grace.

Happy Birthday, little book!




To commemorate the release of this book, I'm sharing a letter I wrote to my teen self. (For a whole blog devoted to letters much more interesting than mine,go here.) 

Dear Seventeen-Year-Old Mandy,

In a few months, you will meet a boy. A boy who will change everything.

It will be snowing the first time you really talk to him. The only time it will snow in a year, so you’ll know who he is. The thick snowflakes will make the night seem magical—or maybe that’s his smile, the way he looks at you. Either way, you’ll be swept away.

He’ll tell you you’re perfect. Beautiful. The one he’s been waiting for. You’ve never heard that before. He’ll buy you flowers so often the arrangements will overpower your bedroom and you’ll have to bring some of the vases downstairs. Your brother will joke that it’s a good thing he didn’t choose jewelry, or you’d look like Mr. T.  

Maybe you should be embarrassed; maybe you should be concerned about how intense it is, right from the start. How he tells you he loves you, and it seems like you just met. But you won’t be worried. He means it. He really does. You love him back, more fiercely than you can imagine.

But it doesn’t take long for the relationship to bend and change. He’s never really happy. Some nights you’ll stay at his house past curfew, trying to fight the wars he never stops waging with himself. You want to fix him. At first, it seems like you can. At first, all you have to do is show up, and whatever is wrong in his life doesn’t seem to matter quite so much.  

But you will never be enough, no matter how much you want to be.

He won’t like your friends. Your parents. Anyone, really. And they won’t like him. But you’ll choose him over them. You will spend every moment with him, until you hardly remember who you used to be.  Because you love him, and you don’t think you can live without him. Besides, it’s easier that way. You’ll give up that club you love. Sometimes you skip school, or call in sick to work, because he needs you, and you’d do anything for him.

But as much as you love him, sometimes you won’t like him that much. That ugly sneer he gives you. The anxiety you feel when he  tells you you’re lucky he doesn’t hit girls. How small you seem to get when he spits ugly words at you. But you won’t tell anyone about it. It will be a secret that curls inside you. They already hate him, so why prove them right?  Besides, he doesn’t mean it. He loves you. He’s just broken, and he can’t always contain his anger. His depression.

Eventually, you’ll have nothing left to cling to. Once, you believed in true love, soul mates, and love at first sight. But in that year with him, he manages to take that from you, and you realize: it’s possible to fall in love with just about any one. Even people who are nothing like Prince Charming. One day it will fall apart, and you’ll slip into the stock room at the store where you work, and you’ll cry, hoping no one hears you.

You might think I’m writing this letter to warn you to stay away from this boy.

I’m not.

Even though he will break you, devastate you in ways you have never known, everything happens for a reason. You will learn more about yourself in one year than you did in the previous 17. You will change, and sadly, he will not.

A few months after he breaks your heart, while you are still trying to figure out who you are without him, you will meet someone else. Not a boy, this time, but a man, six years older than you. He will have brilliant blue eyes and a smile that never stops. He will make you laugh. Everyone loves him, and before long, you do too. He will admire the things about you you’ve always wished were different. Instead of cutting you down, he builds you up.

A few years later, he will propose to you at the top of the Space Needle. I’m sorry for spoiling that for you, but you figure it out anyway, an hour before it happens, because he made dinner reservations, and he never does that, and he’s adorably nervous, so you know something is up. Turns out Fairy Tales really do exist, and somehow, you believe in them again.

Eventually, you will write a book that is deeply rooted in that shattered romance. It will take scarcely more than two weeks to write the first draft, because once you’ve opened up that story, it seems impossible to stop. It pours out in a way nothing else ever has. You’ve wanted to write the story for years and once you were ready, it’s like the river over Niagara Falls.

It will be published in 2011, 10 years after you last saw that boy, and you’ll be proud, even if no one reads it. Even if no one cares about it. Because it’s real, and filled with more emotional truth than anything you’ve ever written.

And by then, you’ll be happy, and whole. He may never be. But you will.

Please remember that in the year that is to come. It will be the most trying of your life. But it will be worth it.

YOU are worth it.

Xoxo,

Mandy

 

PS: Read the first chapter of BUT I LOVE HIM

That Thing You Want to Know....

So, there are two things that seem infinitely important to writers, and which always come up in conversation.

1) What are the latest trends?

and

2) How much money do writers make, anyway?

Next week, I'll be in NYC doing editor rounds, and I'll come back from the trip and tell you all about the books coming down the pipeline, what editors tell me they're full up on, and what they're dying to see more of. (I'll be tweeting my trip, so feel free to FOLLOW ME.)

So, since I'll be talking about trends soon, I thought I'd talk about something else here.

Money.

The first thing anyone wants to know is: How much does a person make being an author?  If you have ever sold a book, you know that perfectly nice strangers will ask you this as if it's subject to public disclosure, or its totally different than you turning around and saying, "and how much did you make last year?" To which, of course, they'd look disgusted.

Maybe it's the idea that everyone thinks you're the next JK ROWLING and FORBES magazine will report your income anyway? Whatever the reason, be prepared: You will get asked this question. By your mother, your boss, your best friends, and that guy sitting in the bus seat next to you.

So here's the deal: Chances are, you won't get rich. Chances are, you won't even quit your day job.

If you write MG or YA, and you sell to a smaller, independent press--but one who still distributes nationally and has most books stocked in B&N and Borders-- your advance will probably be in the $2,000-$5,000 range.

If you sell a book to one of the big six publishers, and it's a single book deal, and it's something deemed more quiet or literary, you may see $7,500-$10,000. if it has a bigger commercial hook, but still seems a little risky, you may get $15,000.

These are all very round, very raw numbers, and in no way does that mean that if you have a quiet book and random house offers you're oging to see $7,500-10K. You could see more, you could see less. We're just playing with some numbers here of some pretty customary, run of the mill deals.

Now, here's the thing-- advances of these size will generally mean your book will have little to no publicity budget. If you get a $10K advance and it's from a big six, it's likely that your book will be sent to the usual reviewers and put in the catalog, and they may have ARCs on display at the trade fairs or events, but they aren't going to throw money into a PR campaign. Your book will quietly float or sink on its own merit and your ability to publicize it yourself.

Remember, also, that the payout of your book is in either two or three payments. Generally, it's one of these two structures:

1/2 on signing the contract
1/2 on completing revisions (aka, Delivery & Acceptance).

OR

1/3 on signing
1/3 on D&A
1/3 on publication.

So, what I'm telling you is: If your book sells to a large publisher, you may still never see a check for over $5,000 all at once, and then your agent does want her 15%, so now your check is down to $4,250, and you have to pay taxes so you'll tuck away at least a grand, and now you've got $3,000 to play with. But you'll need a web designer ($500+) and web hosting ($6-15 a month), and maybe bookmarks or business cards or swag for giveaways.

But here's the thing-- people don't buy scratch tickets becuase they want to win two dollars. They buy them because they want to win $20,000. And everyone wants to dream of a six figure deal, of an auction, of a pre-empt.

Books do regularly sell for over $100,000, and it seems as if a week does not go by without at least one YA book that sold for over $500,000.

So let's look at those numbers, shall we?

A six figure book deal, for a trilogy, would be say, $35K per book x 3 books = $105K.

Your first payment, you get 1/3 of EACH book on signing, so your first check would be $35K - 15% = 29,750. Save a third for taxes, and you have $20,000.

This is the biggest check you will ever see for your book deal (unless you get huge royalty checks later...) because every other check will be 1/3 of a single book payment (like when one D&As, or one pubs), and after your agent's commission? You'll see $9,000.

Yes, you got a six figure deal, but every check after the first one is $9Kish. If you don't have a day job? That's living expenses for a few months, tops, if you have kids or a mortgage.

So maybe that six figure deal isn't enough-- you want a MAJOR deal-- $500K.

$501,000 / 3 books = $167,000 per book.

Your first payment, you get 1/3 of EACH book on signing, so your first check would be $167K. Your agent takes her cut and sends you a cool $141,000. This is going to put you in a big tax bracket, which means you need to put away AT LEAST 1/3 of that-- so you're left with $93K. 
6-9 months later, the book will D&A, and you'll see another $55K payment, less 15%, so you'll see $47,000. Put away $17Kish for taxes, and you've got $30K to play with. 

So in your first year after signing, your bank account will probably net around $120,000.

Not bad, right? And the nice thing is? If your pub paid $500K, you can bet your book deal they are going to publicize your book like crazy. They want their money back.  

We all dream of this kind of a boon. $120K is probably 'quit your day job' kind of money, and isn't that what we all want? if you do quit, though, you'll need health insurance, a retirement account, etc. 

And guess what? Your second year out, you'll just see two payments-- $55K when book 1 pubs, and $55k when book 2 D&As, minus your agent's commission, which means the second year, you're only netting  $93,000, minus a third for taxes, puts you just over 60K. Same deal on year 3, when Book 2 pubs and book 3 D&As.

And on that fourth year, when book 3 publishes, you see just one payment-- $55K, minus agent commission, so $47,000. Minus taxes, so you make $30Kish unless you've sold another book deal.


So here's how it looks at the end of the day, if you get a seemingly ENORMOUS  $501,000 book deal:

Year of book deal: $120K net
Year 2: 60K net
Year 3: 60K net
Year 4: 30k net.

It's good money, but with no stability, no health insurance, and no benefits.


Okay, so I'm not saying this to be debbie downer. Just to really break it down and look at it, and help you understand that even if you get that huge deal, and everyone thinks you're rich, you may not be.

You  may just be making a good living doing what you love. And THAT is the point, right? That we're all doing what we love.

And lastly, you're an optimist. I know you're an optimist because you're a published author (or trying really hard to be one)and if you can see these numbers and try to make a go of it anyway, you MUST be optimistic. Which means your book is going to be one of those that rises above, that sells like hotcakes, and makes you as famous as Stephenie Meyer.

Plus, duh, you'll get a movie deal.

 

BUT I LOVE HIM excerpt

 

BUT I LOVE HIM, my next release, is now shipping from Amazon and B&N.com! Almost a full month early.

BUT I LOVE HIM is a very dark, voice-driven YA about a girl's year with an abusive boyfriend, told in reverse chronological order. It starts at the end, so to speak, and unwinds.

So, I thought I'd share the first two chapters here-- I hope you like it!

 

August 30

One Year

 

I lie in pieces on the floor. A hundred different things surround me: shards of a destroyed wooden jewelry box, some cracked CDs, a few ripped books, a shredded picture of Connor and me. I think my insides must look like they do, all churned up and cracked and unrecognizable.

My lip bleeds, staining my sleeve every time I wipe my mouth. My chest is hollow and empty, as if he ripped out my heart and took it with him when he left, the door slamming so hard the picture frames crashed to the floor.

All I feel is pain, one big wave of it crashing over me again and again, relentless. I ease back on my elbows, until I am laying flat on the ground, staring upward at the shadowy ceiling.

It is nearly dark. How long have I been lying here? The blackness reaches the corners of the room and fills everything. Once that darkness was a cocoon, enveloping us and protecting us from everything outside the door. Together, we hid in the dark, hoping the world would leave well enough alone and we could find peace.

But nothing can protect me now, least of all the darkness. 

No one can protect me now. I pushed them all away. I lost everything. I gave it to him, and he gave me this.

I think my wrist is broken, because every time I move it, pain tears up my arm and steals my breath away.

Tonight was so much worse than anything before it. Tonight he didn’t stop after the first slap. His rage spilled and bubbled and grew, and he destroyed everything he could find, and still it didn’t stop.

I don’t know if he left in order to find more things to destroy, or if it was the only thing he could do to stop it.

I don’t understand how so much changed in a year, how I lost myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

August 23

Eleven Months, Twenty-three days

 

Even with all the things he’d told me about his father, I’d never actually seen the monster. Sure, I’d met him many times before, but he seemed oddly human, too normal to do the things Connor told me about. The monster was a mythical thing, the villain in a twisted fairy tale.

I know right now, as I watch the flames dance and lick at that pretty white lattice, that I never fully understood it. I never really believed it.

I do now. It is real. And all of Connor’s stories have come to life. My doubt is gone.

His father has lost his mind. His mom is sobbing, curled in a ball in the middle of their front lawn. I am glad they live in the country, where people can’t see this from the street. Otherwise I think we might all be arrested.

“I paid for this and I can tear it down!” He rips another piece of lattice off the porch. It cracks and splinters and pieces of it shower down on the flower beds. Nancy’s pot of roses falls too, shattering on the cement walkway. It is just another thing he will take from her and never apologize for.

The splintered lattice goes on the roaring pile with the rest of it. The flames grow, ever skyward, gobbling everything he gives it.

Connor and I are at the edge of the yard, hidden in the shadows of the big oak tree. Jack knows we are there but he’s so lost in his own fury I think he may have forgotten. I want to grab Nancy and pull her into the shadows with us, but she is so close to him. She is begging him to stop. I don’t know how she can do that; I am afraid of him. 

He seems bigger today: taller, thicker and stronger. There’s something almost inhuman about him.

He has to be drunk, though he’s not stumbling. A sober person wouldn’t burn down their own front porch. A porch he just built a month ago. Nancy spent a whole weekend painting it, and they sat on it in lawn chairs and admired their work.

And now it is in shambles.

“Ann, you don’t have to be here,” Connor says, as he leans against the tree and pulls me into him. I don’t reply. I just bury my face in his chest as his arms wrap around me. I can hear the wood crack and splinter as his father rips another piece from the porch. It is half gone already.

“Why is he doing this?” I ask.

“Why does he do anything he does?” Connor says. His voice is dull, empty. To Connor, this is an inevitable part of life, something to be endured so that he can get to the better stuff.

It was supposed to be Nancy’s birthday dinner. Connor hadn’t wanted to go. He doesn’t like to see his father at all anymore. That was the purpose of getting his own apartment. The further he is from his father, the better. 

But for his mother, he would do anything. His mother has nothing left. I don’t see her often. She is invisible most of the time. But when I do see her, I don’t look her in the eyes, because they are empty. She is not yet fifty, but her hair is grey and there are deep lines in her face. There is a sadness about her that never leaves. An intensity of such deep sorrow I can’t stand to be in the same room as her. She is haunted by her life, and I wonder what she is waiting for, if she will live this way forever.

If I look her in the eyes I am afraid I will see myself. I’m afraid I will see my future. I’m afraid of the camaraderie we may develop because of Connor and his father. And if she sees herself in me, then this is hopeless. If she looks at me and pats me on the back and just knows how I feel, than I will know this is all wrong.

I will just know.

But Connor will not become this. Connor knows what he does is wrong. He’s getting help. He promised me. We talked about it for so long, and he’s going to do it now. He even brought home some information on counselors in the area. We will work through it together, and break this cycle, and it will be because of me and because I believed in him. He’s never had that before. He’s never had support like I give him, and it changes him. It makes him believe in himself, too.

I won’t be like everyone else. I won’t abandon him when things get rough. We’re both adults now—Me, eighteen, him, nineteen. If we work together, the world can be ours. We won’t need anyone else.

I pull away from him and look across the yard again. Darkness is falling but the blaze is growing. My little Mazda is only twenty feet away. The lawn is so dry. It could grow. It could burn everything.

“Do you think my car is okay?”

“Maybe.”

His cheek is cool against my temple. I feel safe, wrapped up like this, even though a maniac is burning the house down one piece at a time, just a few feet away. I wonder how far he will go. Would he burn the whole house? Will he turn everything into ashes?

I know Connor is not afraid of him anymore. He told me it’s been three years since his father last tried to hit him, and Connor swung back for the first time. That was the last time anything got physical between them. Connor is now three inches taller than his dad, with thicker arms and wider shoulders.

And yet his father seems so big right now.

“Do you think we should leave?”

“You can, if you want. I won’t leave her.”

I knew he would say that.

“He’ll get bored of the porch and turn on her. But he won’t do it if I’m here.”

I nod. “Maybe she’ll go with us.”

“She won’t.”

And I knew that too. She cares more about him than herself.

I don’t know what made him snap like this. The fire was already raging when we arrived, and there’s too much chaos to find out what set it off.

He probably doesn’t remember anyway. Rage like this doesn’t answer to reason.

I can’t shake the fear I feel of Jack. This isn’t right. I don’t think his mind is even functioning; he’s just running on senseless rage. Dangerous, scary, senseless rage. It makes me anxious with fear. The tremors run up and down my legs, wills me to leave this yard. I’m torn between wanting to save myself and wanting to be here for Connor.

“I think we should go,” I whisper. No matter how close I get to Connor, it’s not enough. I can’t disappear.

“I think you should go. You don’t need to be here for this. You don’t need to see him like this. I can handle it,” he says.

I nod. I know I should stay for Connor but I am itching to get away from here, to leave this scene behind. I know it’s going to haunt my dreams tonight: the hysterical sound of Nancy’s sobs, the manical gleam in Jack’s eyes, the rigid, solemn look on Connor’s face. He’s not shocked by what he sees.

And that’s the worst part. It’s the realization that this is normal to him. That it’s just another day in his fucked-up life. Jack is guilty of everything Connor accuses him of. And it’s making me sick. I need to get out of here. I need to lie down.

I turn away from Connor, toward my car, just as Jack yanks another chunk of lattice off the porch and flings it in the fire. The wood crackles and I jump back from a barrage of sparks, stumbling on a rock.

Jack takes offense to this. In three steps he’s in front of me, his face flaming with anger, and I back up so quickly I slam into my car with a loud bang.

Connor is between us like a bolt of lightning, shouldering his dad away from me. “Don’t you touch her,” he says, his voice so low and menacing it makes my stomach twist into knots of dread. Connor’s anger has ignited to match his father’s. “Don’t you ever touch her.”

Their faces are inches apart. Time has stopped; everything is frozen. My breath has left me and I wait for it. I wait for the fists to fly and the blood to pour.

But Jack just tears his gaze away from Connor, looks over at me, and then turns back to the porch. With renewed vigor, he rips another piece loose.

It is over and I am gone. Connor kisses me quickly and then I tear out the driveway, gravel flying behind me, before I can change my mind.

 

 ***

It is nearly pitch-black in his room. The only light comes from the tiny night-light that shines into the glass heart.

I stare at it, from my place in bed. I stare until my sight blurs, and all the blues and greens and amber colors blend into one mosaic.

Sometimes at night, I wake up and stare at the heart for hours, thinking of all it means to me, and to him. I think of how I worked for so long to give it to him. How I collected each piece from the beach, how I glued it all together into one big sculpture.

I wonder if he stares at it like I do. I wonder if he realizes what it means, that he’ll always have a piece of me no matter what happens. Each piece of glass is another piece of myself I gave to him.

It’s too bad I didn’t keep any pieces for myself.

I have been laying here for hours, waiting. I know he will come back when she is safe and his father has left, and not before.

It is four A.M. when he climbs into bed beside me, and I haven’t closed my eyes yet, even though they’ve grown so heavy it’s like they’re filled with sand.

I’m wearing his ratty t-shirt and boxers, and he wraps an arm around my waist once he is beside me. I pull the quilt higher, so that half our faces are covered, only the tops of our heads poking out.

“I hate days like this,” he says, his voice hardly above a whisper. Sometimes, when he does this, I think he is still afraid his father will hear his words. He doesn’t remember that we are in his new apartment. He doesn’t remember that his dad is miles away.

“I know,” I say, because there are no other words.

“I wish she would just leave him.”

“Me too.” And I do. I wish it more than anything. It would fix everything for us. All these issues would melt away if she would just get away from him and live in peace. All the stress in Connor’s life would evaporate, and then he’d be truly happy.

Silence fills the room until it is heavy. It bears down on us. It suffocates me.

“I’m sorry.” The words are empty but I have to say them anyway.

“It’s been a long time since he’s done anything like that.”

I nod.

“I’d never let him hurt you, you know.”

I know that. Just as I know Jack does hurt me. He just does it through Connor’s hands.

“He’s held a gun to my head before,” Connor says.

I’ve heard this story. A dozen times. But I know he will tell me again, because it is his way of getting past it. He’ll talk until there is nothing else to say, and I’ll listen until he falls asleep. And then it will be my turn to be haunted, my turn to toss and twist all night as I try to forget the stories and the images, to forget the way his voice will crack during the hardest parts of the story.

But the worst part of all is that I will imagine a little boy in these stories, a helpless little boy that still lives inside Connor.

“I was sitting in his truck. He went inside a Seven-Eleven. For ice cream, he said. Said he’d get me a choco-taco, my favorite.”

The worst stories always come in the darkness, when I can’t see his face. I can feel his breath on my neck and his arms wrapped tightly around me, like I’m his anchor. But I can never see his face.

I don’t want to.

“I changed my mind. I wanted an ice cream sandwich. A fucking ice cream sandwich.”

There’s blame in his voice. But not for Jack. For himself. As if it’s his fault, as if his dad would be someone else if only Connor didn’t do things the wrong way.

“I was eight. So I got out of the truck. I pushed through the doors and the bell jingled. And my dad was standing there, a gun pointed at the clerk. When he looked over at me the guy took his chance and swung a bat at my dad, but he missed.

“So I became his hostage. He pointed the gun at my head and told the guy to give him the money or he’d shoot me.”

This is the part where he stops, where his voice cracks a little.

Tonight the story is different to me. Tonight I believe it. All these stories he’s told me before, they seemed like tall tales. Exaggerations. It’s not that I thought Connor would lie, it’s just that I’d met Jack. And he was just a regular guy. It just didn’t like one man could have evil like Connor tells. That one man could cause so much pain.

But tonight I saw it, saw the monster unleashed, the one who had been there all along, and I know it is real. I know he is capable of what Connor says he is. And tonight the story comes to life in my mind, and I know the look that would have been in Jack’s eyes when he did this.

“But the guy had already hit the silent alarm. The cops pulled up outside while he was standing there, jabbing at my head with the gun. It wasn’t loaded, but I didn’t know that.”

He shifts a little. The bed creaks. He knows he doesn’t have to continue, that I know the rest, but he does anyway. “It took an hour for the police to get him to drop the gun. A fucking hour.

“I was eight,” he says again. “What kind of fucked up person does it take to hold a gun to your own kid’s head? They only gave him two years for it because he didn’t put bullets in it. Plus parole. With good behavior he was out before I was ten.”

I never have words to say, so I’m always silent. There are no words for this.

“Sometimes I wish he would have loaded it and pulled the trigger,” he says.

I stiffen. I don’t want our conversation to turn that direction. His anger I can handle. I can smooth out the bitter memories and hold him, and he will forget for these moments. I can do that for him; I can make the anger go away.

But his sorrow is harder. He drowns in it and I can’t pull him free.

“No. I love you. Don’t wish that.”

And yet as I say it, the fight has gone out of me. I used to try so hard. I used to vehemently fight him. I used to struggle with everything I had to get him to stop the wars he waged with himself. I’d wipe his tears and talk to him for hours, until my eyes felt like sandpaper and I could hardly speak, and I’d fall into an exhausted, dreamless sleep.

But I don’t have it in me anymore. I am losing him to it.

The long silence stretches between us and I wait for it. Wait to discover which way he is tipping.

“I love you too,” he says and kisses my neck.

I sigh in relief. For tonight we have won.

I turn back towards him and kiss him, and he rolls into me, kissing my cheeks and lips and chin and neck, and in seconds we are lost to it.

These are the only moments we have left. These precious seconds where the passion blots out everything else, and it is just us. The rest is a war neither of us can ever win.

But I have already waved my white flag.

I have already surrendered.

 

 

Do you iClue?

Do You iClue?

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6 Authors
 6 Mysteries
 6 Chances to Win an iTouch
 
Six authors were talking one day and realized that even though their books ran the gamut from sci fi to romance, contemporary to ghostly, they all had one thing in common: a really good mystery. These authors--Lisa & Laura Roecker, Mandy Hubbard, Adele Griffin, Kimberly Derting, Lee Nichols & Beth Revis decided they wanted to give their readers a little more mystery...and if they solved that mystery, there needs to be a great prize, no?

The authors are working with The Reading Room (a book review site) and a slew of amazing book bloggers to bring you an exciting new contest that will be running over the next 6 weeks. For each mystery you solve, you get another entry into the contest. The grand prize is an iTouch loaded with 6 AMAZING eBooks from the participating authors.

Here's how it works:

Starting on April 4th a new author will be featured on the iClue Site each week.
 The author will post their mystery on the site on Monday.
 On Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday we will post links to The Reading Room and two book bloggers who will be posting a special clue to help you solve the mystery.
 Once you've solved the mystery you send us the correct solution using a form on the website.
 If you enter the correct solution you get one entry into the contest.
 Solve all 6 mysteries you get 6 entries to win the iTouch.
 
iClue launches next week (April 4th) with my mystery, featuring some of the characters from ACROSS THE UNIVERSE. Solve the mystery, get the password, and you'll get an entry to win an iPod Touch! So make sure you check back next week for this!

Meanwhile...we want to make sure to get the word out on this exciting month-long event! And that's where you come in...you, and six autographed books...






Help us spread the word, and you'll be entered for a prize to win six autographed books, one from each of us! There are lots of ways to enter!

You can tweet! 


You can blog!
(If you past the html code under the banner into your blog, it will automatically show up, all linked directly to the contest. If you put it into the post, be sure you're on the "edit html" tab of Blogger.)





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You can spread the word however you like! And for every way you spread the word, we're going to enter you in a contest for a grand prize pack of all six of our books, signed! And don't forget to come back to the actual event for your chance to solve fun mysteries and win an iPod Touch!! (And yes--before you ask, the contest IS open internationally--both prizes!)