Mark DeJesus's Blog, page 118

10 Classes We Should All Take (Skills We Were Not Taught)

To live as effective relational beings, there are many skills and experiences that are important to make the most of our impact on this planet. There are many things we can assume people know how to do and practice. Surprisingly, there are many critical skills, practices and mindsets that have never been taught.

In ministering to the broken places of people’s lives for decades, I assumed that everyone knew how to practice some foundational habits, but were actually never trained and mentored in.

If there was a life skills coaching course I hosted, here are a few of the following classes I would have of things people were never really taught.

1. How to put together a budget and actually keep it, while also knowing how to best invest your finances.

I rarely meet a person who was effectively taught how to budget their money and develop healthy spending habits. Those who do it taught themselves. It seems that everyone just ends up spending everything that comes in and more, with no training on how to delay gratification or how to put aside money for intentional goals.

2. How to look at people in the eye and have effective conversations.

Shake hands with people and they don’t know how to have an effective exchange. Yet relational connection is the most important arena of life.  When were we ever taught how to have effective conversations, where we get to know another person, while sharing our own story?

Most are content to stare at their phones or sit quietly with their heads down, mainly because they were never taught the importance of looking someone in the eye and having a confident conversation. Your greatest impact lies in how you are able to be yourself, yet have an effective, heart-felt communication with someone that adds value to their life.

3. How to have a phone conversation, healthy text interaction or even write a letter.

I can’t tell you how many times I have voicemail messages where people talk like they know me and assume I know what they want. Today, people think its ok to not return an honest request. Ignoring emails is considered acceptable. Not responding to a reasonable text message or online message. I am astounded that grown adults don’t know how to write an email or letter with proper grammar and sharing without coming across mean or accusatory. I have read horrendously expressed emails and when talking to the person, they claim, “I never meant to come across that way.” I often reply by saying, “Did you read it before you sent it?”

4. How to care about where you work so you give your best.

It doesn’t matter what organization it is, a business, church or home; what you see in the care and maintenance shows the excellence that people have towards it. It it important that we be taught the importance of giving our very best to every organization we are a part of.

We are losing the importance of giving excellence to our job, where we don’t just show up to get a paycheck, but we take ownership in our job, so as to add value to the organization. When I coach people in their work, I encourage them to show up to work early, not just on time. And be willing to stay a few minutes later; to give that little extra that makes your company shine. I also encourage them to be extraordinary towards coworkers and their bosses; regularly asking their overseers, “How can I add further value to you and this company?”

5. How to wear clothes that fit your body type, wear makeup and groom yourself.

It is my opinion that every person is beautiful. They just need the right accessories to bring out their beauty. A well known segment on TV shows is the “makeover” segments, where people are given a fresh look to present themselves in their best light.

I watch this and think, “This is something that should have been imparted to us all along.” We were never taught this, or we experienced brokenness in our lives that stole the value of releasing the beauty of who we are.

I love the web site, The Art of Manliness, because in all their articles and resources, they practically communicate habits and practices that reinforce the power found in masculinity. How many men have lost their sense of what it means to be a man, and it gets reflected in how they care for themselves, dress and present themselves to the world? How many just stop caring?

Years ago, I remember my wife and I praying for a woman who was in need of physical healing. One of the thoughts that came to her was, “Tell her to go home and put on a dress.” This thought was a bit random, but trusting God was leading me, I told her, “I feel like God is speaking to me about you and wearing dresses.” She began to weep, because over the years, she lost the sense of her personal beauty as a female. In trying to be strong, she lost the power found in her beauty and femininity.

Many women, out of their brokenness, get stuck in bringing out their beauty in how they dress, put on makeup and care for themselves. I often find that people get stuck trailing back to the time of brokenness in their life. You can literally see it on their appearance. If they carry an 80s kind of style and you wonder why they haven’t moved on, you can often find there is a pain leading back to that time and they have been emotionally “stuck” ever since.

If money weren’t an issue, it would be amazing for every person to have a stylist teach us the best kind of clothing for our body type, how to best groom ourselves and give our best to our body’s care. Too many are wearing clothes that are too tight and do not bring out their best features. Or they are accentuating features they shouldn’t be. KnowwhatImean?

6. How to eat for maximum nutrition.

Most people’s eating habits trace back to their childhood; the good and the bad. We often fall back to what is familiar, and this includes how and what we eat. Nutritional understanding has dramatically changed from 40 years ago. Many food myths have been exposed, like eating “low fat” or consuming artificial sweeteners can help you lose weight (still not sure people know those are both lies).

We eat at least 3 times a day and drink all the time. Yet when was the last time you remember sitting through some teaching or guidance on how to get the best nutrition for longevity and health?

7. How to patiently wait for something we want.

There is something my generation and many generations after me do not fully understand–the price to be paid for things that are of value. We have such an instant culture today, no one knows how to wait for anything. We don’t want to wait in line. We hate waiting to hear back from someone. We don’t want to wait to watch a tv episode so we binge the whole season. Waiting for the right spouse is excruciating, so we settle for the first person who shows us attention.

When we want to buy something, we don’t wait and save up for it. We buy it now on credit or we spend our rent money on it. Today, culture sees no point in waiting for marriage to have sex, so let we indulge NOW.

Your body can easily be trained to focus on avoiding pain and move towards pleasure all the time. Yet this does not teach us discipline, relentlessness and self-control. Learning to wait is one of the most powerful traits to carry, because it produces a greater realm of patience in you that you do not currently possess. The Bible says when you are patient, you are complete and lacking nothing! (James 1). But none of us have been taught the value of delaying gratification for the greater blessing.

8. How to be grateful and stop complaining.

One of the most powerful weapons you have available to you right now is gratitude. Thanksgiving literally opens up heaven your thoughts, because it recognizes God’s goodness in any situation. Thanksgiving makes way for believing and focusing on what God is doing and honing in on what is

Complaining is demonic food. It pulls us from the place of simple belief and keeps us wandering in the wilderness. Whenever we lose a heart of gratitude, we lose sight of who God is, because He is good.

Gratitude recognizes and highlights goodness.

Have we been taught the power of thanksgiving; learning what it means to have a grateful heart in all things? Was this modeled for us? Yet it is one of the most important skills you can have to help you soar in difficult times.

9. How to do conflict resolution.

In over 20 years of ministry and helping people, I have been overwhelmed at how little skills are manifesting when it comes to conflict resolution. I have sat in hours and hours of mediating and coaching; helping people learn how to talk to someone and work through a conflict in a healthy manner. Conflict resolution should be taught in every church, school and family. Those who know how to maneuver through relational conflict effectively will be those who rise above the norm. This is why I included a chapter on conflict resolution in my my book, “Bitter Free!”

10. How to speak in front of an audience.

One of the most important skills in life is communication. Everything rises and falls on our ability to convey a message and share our hearts. In fact, God’s plan totally rests on His word being spoken and heard by the hearts of people. Yes He anoints us, but are we developing skills that He can work with? The number 1 fear today is public speaking, which shows us the enemy’s number one assault against people–keep them from being spokespeople for God.

I find one of the greatest ways to defeat fear of speaking in front of people is simply to keep doing it.

Question: What skill in this list do you think is the most critical for life? What skill would you add to this list?

The post 10 Classes We Should All Take (Skills We Were Not Taught) appeared first on Mark DeJesus | Transformed You.

10 Common Nutritional Mistakes

If you were living out some nutritional habits that were working against you, wouldn’t you want to know?

Your body’s health is important, but what if you are handling your nutritional decisions the wrong way?

Many people approach the subject of nutrition more from what they read in marketing than they do hard, proven facts. Nutrition is a major influence into the overall health of our body, so I believe it’s important we uncover some myths that keep people from having better results in their nutritional journey.

1. Focusing on Calories

The philosophy behind this is “if I just focus on limiting calories, I’ll lose weight.” Many people adhere to a lifestyle of “burn more calories than you take in.” Although this worked 100 years ago, food has changed a lot over the years.

Here are some problems with focusing only on calories:

Not all calories are created equal. You can be eating the correct amount of calories you need, but not getting any of the nutrition you need. 
You can eat less calories and burn off weight, but you can still be toxic.
Calorie counting alone cannot be maintained over a long period of time, because many of the foods people eat are addictive and cause massive cravings.
Even people who are eating thousands of calories are still nutritionally starving. Thats why they’re always hungry!
Low calorie creates a starvation mentality. When your body goes into starvation mode, it stores fat to hold for famine.
Different calories fill you up differently.

Example of 400 calories and how full your stomach is on different foods.

2. Focusing on Low Carbs

The philosophy behind this involves the restriction of carbohydrates to a low minimum, usually for the result of weight loss. In this process, breads, rice and any kind of sugars are avoided.

The problems with low carb focus: 

You actually need carbohydrates. You just need good ones.
With low carb diets like Atkins, people often consume excessive meat proteins, putting added pressure on kidneys and liver, while also consuming a lot more use
It is not sustainable as a lifestyle, so massive weight gain takes place, usually leaving the person heavier than they were before.

3. Working Off Bad Eating

This is a common one that I followed for years. I would eat some strawberry rhubarb pie and say to myself, “I’m gonna hvae to hit the gym to burn this off.” The philosophy here is, “I overate or consumed foods that are bad for me, so I will go to the gym and work off the mistakes.”

Problems with this mindset:

You cannot work out and work off poor nutrition. The poor nutrition is still in your system, even if you work the calories off.
You are not dealing with the toxicity coming out of continual poor eating. You might be burning off fat, but you are still retaining toxins.
This habit is often built on self-hatred and guilt. We beat ourselves up and then punish ourselves with exercise. No wonder no one likes to exercise! Working needs to be seen as enjoyable and a blessing, not a punishment.
We eat poorly out of how we feel about ourselves.
We feel terrible for making bad choices.
Your body does not respond well to this cycle.

4. Skipping Meals

How may times do we wake up, feeling bad about ourselves and decide to skip a meal. The philosophy is, “If I don’t eat, that will help me to lose weight.” A common part of this involves skipping of breakfast. 

This is a big problem:

It sends the body into starvation mode, causing you to actually retain fat.
It slows down your metabolism, creates added stress response in body.

5. Low Fat or Fat Free

Years ago, fat was made the enemy. People were getting fatter so they blamed it all on fats in foods. Food companies jumped on this and created foods labeled as “low fat” or “fat free.” People loved the idea, not realizing sugar and processed ingredients were added. Little did people know the problem became worse. Not only was the weight not coming off, people were gaining even more weight. 

Problems:

When you take fat out, you remove the taste. So to help taste, they So they put in much additional sugar and flavorings.
The excess sugar triggers insulin (the fat producing hormone) takes this excess energy and stores it in fat cells to use later….but there is no later.
So in reality, sugar is making people fat more than fat is. You can buy a bag of sugar and call it fat free.
Problem is you need fats. You just need the right kind.

6. “All Natural” Labeling

The philosophy here programs people into thinking that these foods are harmless. The implication is that “all natural” labeled foods are minimally processed. The ingredients are supposed to be natural products, but this is in the chemist’s sense of that term. 

Problem:

This is vague, undefined and rarely does it actually mean anything.
Most of the time, “all natural” usually adds a bunch of sugar as well.
In addition, we become trained that “all natural” means we can eat more of it.

7. Using Artificial Sweeteners

The mindset here is that in order to avoid the effects and calories of sugar, people will use artificial sweeteners. This is by far one of the most damaging habits today people are practicing. This includes nutra sweet, sweet n low, equal and splenda. 

Problems with artificial sweeteners:  

have many adverse effects, including neurological effects and even symptoms of MS
Artificial sweeteners have not shown proven signs of losing weight, creates added cravings and causes you to eat more, creates toxicity.
In fact, more information is coming out that people on artificial sweeteners actually end up gaining weight.

8. Trying to lose weight to look good, more than simply being healthier.

The philosophy here is, “I want to look good for a special occasion or for the beach.” The problem with this is that it is temporary and quite honest, a shallow motivation. You can lose plenty of weight and still be toxic. 

9. Not Taking the Time to Prepare Foods and Eat

Most people say, “I don’t have time. I have a lot going on, so whatever quickest and easiest is what I will do.” Our culture has taken the value away of stopping to prepare a meal, let alone stopping long enough to enjoy the meal. 

Not taking the time to plan and prep meals causes you to eat foods that are not best in nutritional value. Plus, you lose the value of slowing down, prepping food and eating. This is really a manifestation of not showing love and care for yourself.

Millions eat on the go, to keep up with our ever increasing lifestyles. We eat foods that are convenient, which means they are often loaded with preservatives, processed ingredients and sugar.  

Problem is that a lifestyle with processed foods creates a burden on your body.

10. Not dealing with spiritual and emotional issues.

You can eat healthy all you want, but you don’t deal with the dramas and traumas in your life, you can still struggle in nutritional health. Your body knows how you feel about yourself, so when you don’t love yourself and have a healthy outlook on life, metabolism can slow down. People who live in chronic fear, anxiety and stress can keep themselves from losing weight and detoxifying. Unresolved bitterness, anger and unforgiveness can leave a person toxic no matter how well they eat. Clean eating needs to work alongside healthy thinking, where we nourish our heart and allow God to heal areas from the past that hinder us from a healthy present and future.

Question: What are some bad habits that you have regarding food, in the name of trying to be “healthy”?

The post 10 Common Nutritional Mistakes appeared first on Mark DeJesus | Transformed You.

#070: Loving Yourself into Nutritional Change [Podcast]

In this week’s episode, we focus on our own journey’s of nutritional struggles and how God has worked uniquely in each of our lives to bring us into greater wholeness. Our focus is on nutrition and how all of us can make some helpful changes towards taking better care of ourselves? But how do we do that?

Today’s episode will cover the following issues:

Mark and Melissa’s personal journey to becoming healthier in their nutrition
What does it take to make permanent nutritional change?
Getting to the “why” of your nutritional lifestyle?
What does it mean to love yourself into change?
Some of the factors that work against people making permanent changes nutritionally.

Two Recommended Resources:
Option 1: Inside Out Nutrition Training Course

10 sessions of insightful training to help restructure your nutritional life for permanent transformation!

 

Option 2: 30 Days to Healthy Living Jumpstart

Ready to jump right in? Check out this 30 min instruction video. 

Question: What do you think keeps most people from making the needed nutritional changes in their life? Comment below. 

Follow Me on Periscope! We have been broadcasting our episodes live on Periscope!

Listen by Using the Player Below or with the Following Platforms

The post #070: Loving Yourself into Nutritional Change [Podcast] appeared first on Mark DeJesus | Transformed You.

8 Reasons Why You Need to Pay Attention to Your Nutritional Lifestyle

We live in a double-minded culture when it comes to health. We obsess about our body’s getting into shape while we daily indulge into foods we know are not helping our overall health. With all the modern technologies we have access to, one thing that has certainly not improved in our nutritional health.

About 3 years ago, I decided enough was enough. It was time to make some changes nutritionally. I decided I wanted to get out of the cycles I constantly found myself in.

I made some major changes and I so happy I did. I lost more than 20 pounds, but that was not the biggest thing. I got free from addictive food cravings, I got more clarity in my mind and my energy became stabilized. But the only way I was able to make the change was that I wanted it. I had to make a personal decision to change, for good.

I want to encourage you to do consider the same.

Here are some of the reasons we need to really take a look at our nutritional lifestyle:

1. The Majority of Americans are Overweight

The numbers are hovering around 67% right now. Almost three-quarters of all Americans are overweight or obese. We are in the epidemic category. The problem is that modern diets are not solving anything. We are eating more than ever, exercising less than ever, but that’s not the core problem. The real reason our bodies are overweight is that we have actually become toxic with our nutritional habits. We are highly fed, yet heavily malnourished people.

2. The Ingredients in Modern Food Are Meant to Keep You Addicted.

Everyone’s trying to eat better “with moderation.” Notice how no one is succeeding? That’s because the ingredients in our modern food have more addictive properties than cocaine! Yes, I said cocaine. The amount of refined sugar and processed ingredients you can find in most foods today are designed to keep you addicted. We keep saying, “you need to excercise will power.” Trying telling that to a cocaine addict. Notice how the chips you eat advertise, “you can’t eat just one?” They aren’t kidding.

3. We are No Longer Eating Real Food.

We may think we are eating real food, when in reality, we are eating “food-like” substances. With advances in technology, any flavor, smell or taste can be artificially manufactured, giving you the impression you are eating something. When in reality, you are consuming a cheap, synthetic product that has little nutritional value. The majority of the time, people are consuming foods that may have loads of added ingredients that add no nourishment to the body, but put a lot of undue pressure on the digestive tract. 

4. Our Energy is Up and Down All Day

When coaching people in overall wellness, one of the greatest problems I notice in people is their energy is not steady throughout the day. They quickly run to their morning coffees and energy drinks and consume them over and over again. Mid-morning, post-lunch and post-dinner, people complain of lost energy. At times when you need to be awake and alert the most, you fall into a “coma-like” state. One of the reasons are energy levels are whacked is because bodies are being pulverized by what we are consuming.

5. We Are Losing Immune Strength

With today’s fast-paced lifestyle, added stress and performance pressures, modern living also adds to it foods that are highly processed and refined. These makes it so that we can consume our food in high speed. This puts incredible amounts of pressure on our digestive systems.

It’s important to know that at least 70% of the immune system can be found in the gut. This means that a lot of our emotional health and gut health will directly affect the condition of our immune systems ability to fight of illness.

6. Our Minds Are Foggy

More and more people can’t seem to shake the brain fog they are experiencing. People tell me all the time they are forgetting names, important appointments and neglecting key priorities that slip their minds. Their ability to focus and think clearly is being interfered with. Although many factors can contribute to this, our nutritional habits have a direct affect on the brain’s ability to think clearly and effectively.

7. Overall Health is Not Improving

Although disease is not only affected by nutrition, what we eat and how we conduct our nutritional habits has a large affect on our overall health and freedom from disease. Unfortunately most people would rather spend endless funds and lots of time in getting the best medicine their body can get. Yet they fail to give themselves some of the best medicine God created–the food found in creation. It’s interesting how we will pay a gajillion dollars on medicine and pharmaceutical drugs, yet we will complain that we don’t have enough money to invest in quality food for our family. Our body’s are being worn out and damaged, due to the toxic and processed foods that kick our organs into chronic overdrive.

8. We Need to Be At Our Best for the Kingdom of God

I decided one day that I did not want to be an overweight and out of shape child of God. I made a choice in my heart that I was going to be active and be able to enjoy life to the fullest. No one made this decision for me. I made a choice to clean up what I eat so that my body can operate to the best of its ability. I want to be able to use my body, which is the temple of the Holy Spirit, to the fullest potential.

My Challenge to You:

If you desire to make some major changes in your life, consider going through my Inside Out Nutrition course, available for immediate download.

Ready to for a 30 Day Challenge?

You may also jump into my free demonstration on a 30 day plan to completely jump start your entire nutritional structure for overall health, energy and weight management.

Check out this free half hour demonstration, where I can personally help you change your nutritional life for good, in just 30 days. 

If you do not see the video, click here to view.

Question: What frustrations do you have when it comes to your overall nutritional health? Use the comment section below. 

The post 8 Reasons Why You Need to Pay Attention to Your Nutritional Lifestyle appeared first on Mark DeJesus | Transformed You.

Raising Children to Live as Overcomers

As a dad of two children I love dearly, I have chosen to live passionately in every aspect of their life. My intention is to extract each moment of enjoyment as I walk in the treasure of raising them.

I realize the spiritual influence I carry as a father, so I refuse to ever relinquish that responsibility over to things that call for my attention, namely work, busy living or outside pressures.

Many parents work hard, but the goals for their children and family are often out of whack. Instead of being focused on what matters, many families look more to:

how the family looks to others
what financial comfortability can we achieve
what marks of performance can we display as a mark of “success.”

What’s up with that?

At the end of the day, our true motives in raising our families will shine through. Too often it seems like we just want kids who act nice and live comfortably. This may seem appealing, but our poor focus may develop generations of entitled, complaining and weak-hearted adults that don’t know how to overcome obstacles in their life.

Over the years, this questions has deeply penetrated my heart and challenged me on how I lead my home. Technology has provided a world with many conveniences. But this must not shroud the fact that everyone has areas in their life where the must learn to beak-through and overcome. The difference will be if we will actually face those issues of our lives and learn to develop an overcomer spirit.

I believe the goal of parenting should be to raise an overcoming adult believer. 

Someone who knows how to lead, not just follow.
Someone who is willing to stand for what is right, when others don’t seem to care.
Someone who will start something and stick with it to the end.

I believe equipping overcomers in the home starts right away. In our home, we deeply desire to raise our family as overcomers, while equipping other families to live with that same relentlessness; ministering breakthrough for generations to come. This vision ought to permeate how we do everything, because in the end, God is looking for those who carry an overcomer’s heart.

I am by no means perfect in this. I have had many years of self-pity patterns to break. Yet there were many people in my life who pushed me to overcome in all things.

I believe the greatest influence for overcoming in a child’s life is their parent. Your heart to overcome in your own journey will be a compass to guide your child’s life.

Here are some key things to remember when raising an overcoming heart in your children:

1. Don’t Try to Be a Good Parent. Be an Authentic Christian.

We have lived with generations that heard lectures from their parents–monologues of what should be happening in the child, when in reality, the parent is not following those precepts in his own life. We must move from a hypocritical model of parenting and keep ourselves accountable to the same areas we are asking our children to grow up in.

In over 20 years of working with parents and families, I have been dumbfounded to watch parents scold their children of sins they themselves have not dealt with. Many times our children are actually manifesting the sins in our generations that have not been overcome in our own lives. Yes you may have left your rebellious teen years, but the sin patterns that festered in those times were never confronted and dealt with. Now we are actually shocked to witness our own kids manifesting the same things.

Understanding your children’s battles in this light helps to see they need your mentoring, more than lecturing. If you remember, you had some junk you had to face in your own life. So remember to bend the knee before God in compassion to help, rather than just lecture.

Instead of just telling your children what you want them to be, why not just BE what you want them to be?

Model for them what it means to walk this walk and overcome. Let them see you praying, going after God and manifesting change. Le them see that you are pursuing character change and development each day. As they notice the fruit of the spirit in your life, they will have a template to reference in their own life.

Instead of just telling your children what you want them to be, why not just BE what you want them…
Click To Tweet

I have also learning that parenting like this cannot be done in performance. When I learned that our son Maximus was diagnosed with autism, I went into high gear to try and help him. I realized very quickly that I cannot help him or raise either of my children in some performance or striving kind of mindset. My best parenting is actually when I come and just bring my full self to relationship, where I can interact with them from my heart and who I am in God really bless them.

2. Whenever You Are With Your Children – Be Present

We have phones, tablets, TV shows and constant distractions surrounding us. Not to mention the various distractions in our own minds. How many times have you noticed you are with your kids but you are not WITH them?

My number one struggle as a parent from the jump was learning to be present in each moment. Coming home from the days labors, I would struggle to land and just be with my family, without mulling over the day’s pressures. A major battle ensues over my ability to just stop and be engaged in the time I have with my family–for I will never get it back.

The top regret I see in most dads is that they did not make the most of their children’s early days. They spent so much time building their career, business, church, ministry or any other pursuit and saw being a “dad,” not as fulfilling. Yet it is one of the most powerful roles I have been given!

Because my heart’s desire is to grow in this, I find myself moving towards a better rhythm. When I am not with them, I make sure I am 100% about what needs to be done. When I am with them, I position my heart to be 100 percent present and engaged. Its one of my greatest gifts to my household.

I promised myself that I would extract every ounce of enjoyment possible with my family. I already have hundreds of special moments locked away in my heart, in photos and on paper–precious memories that no one can take from me. I refuse to look back years from now and wonder why I wasn’t able to enjoy the memories I wasn’t a part of.

So when you are with your children, whether its most of the day, part of the day or even in segments, take it all in and enjoy who they are as a blessing from God.

3. See Your Children Not As They Are, But As God Sees them to Be.

Anytime I have grown immensely, its often through the influence of people who saw things in me that I didn’t always see in myself. God sees us in who we are becoming, so its important that we convey this in how we see our kids. So its important to step back and get a picture of what your child has been destined to in their identity.

This is not a performance thing, but an identity thing. Speak to your kids not as they are, but who you see them to be in God. If your emphasis is always pointing out the behavior you don’t like, you will probably get that bad behavior repeated. If you speak into their higher potential in who they are, eventually they will respond to the greatness you see inside of them.

This starts by getting with God and asking Him what He has placed inside of your children. Get a glimpse of what He sees and interact with your children out that belief in them.

4. Don’t Wait to Teach them how to Practice the Ways of God

As soon as my children knew how to speak, I taught them how to pray. Not just those, “Thank you Jesus for my food” kind of prayers, but prayers to move mountains.

For a while, my foot has been inflamed and in a lot of pain. It took me a while to even find out what was wrong with it. But during that time, Max came over and prayed. He often prays for me now out of his own choice, not because I ask him. I noticed instant change in my foot through his prayer. Max also has a teacher at school that had some pain issues in her feet. In school, Max got on his knees and laid hands on her feet to pray for healing.

I teach my daughter the same thing. She has an incredibly nurturing heart. When someone is hurting, she wants to give them bandaids, boo boo buddies, ice, a drink, pillow and a mountain moving prayer. At 4 years of age, she already knows how to combine relational care and supernatural healing. She knows how to pray the prayer of faith and declaration.

Every day, I seek to affirm the divine qualities in my children. I am not waiting til they are grown, for that will be too late. The Kingdom of God is available to them, now.

5. Walk With them Through Opportunities to Overcome

I am concerned that this generation is raising our children in a bubble where they never experience pain, disappointment or hardship. We always want to help our children experience and break into things we did not always have, but we must also realize there are mountains our kids have to climb themselves.

We have to know when its time to step back and let them push through to overcoming. They need to know we are for them, backing them up and loving them like crazy. But there are many challenges they have to face themselves. Developing the overcoming heart is so critical to this.

My son has struggles in certain classes. Because he is working through some learning issues, it could be easy to just give him a pass on so many things. But we believe in the power of God to meet his overcoming heart. Some nights, I have sat with him for hours to finish a couple math problems.

We would try every way possible to help him learn. We’d then stop and pray to ask the Holy Spirit to help us. Then we’d get back to it. When he sees that I am not quitting, it empowers him to not quit on himself.

Practicing not quitting helps our children from ever knowing how to.

Practicing not quitting helps our children from ever knowing how to.
Click To Tweet

I believe it is a parent’s job to instill an overcoming heart in our children. They must see us overcoming and see our commitment to walking with them through their own personal victories. Teach them start something and stick with it. Empower them to remain committed when others are quitting. These experiences will stay with them and form their ability to live relentlessly.

6. Celebrate the Victories – No Matter How Big or Small

I have observed that most great man and woman of God practice celebrating even the smallest of victories. This week, I had some victory milestones that deeply encouraged my heart. Events which personally showed me the effect of consistently investing into my children’s spirituality can bring.

Max just recently finished first grade and he had his annual field day. One year ago, while in kindergarten, Max could barely function through the school’s field day. He cried the whole time. A teacher had to hold his hand through every single game event. He completely melted down through the whole thing. When he saw my wife and me, he only wanted to be with us and could not comprehend that we were there to cheer him on.

We left that day deflated; crying the whole way home. We were bombard with thoughts of how “stuck” Max will be in life. After a good cry, we gathered ourselves together. We determined to love Max in the place he was at, while hearing from heaven what the next level would require. A year later, when we saw field day on the calendar, we actually didn’t know what to expect, but knew that all the investment of overcoming in Max’s heart would not be for nothing.

What a day it was! Max not only participated in every game, he did not require hand to hand help from a teacher! He saw mom and dad on the sidelines and was able to enjoy his triumph with no meltdowns! What an amazing step of victory from just one year ago!

That’s something to celebrate and I have encouraged my family to celebrate any milestone or step of progress in a positive direction. Too often, we become overwhelmed with discouragement, because we have lost sight of where we’ve come! Celebrating each step of growth, no matter how small, keeps the big picture moving towards hope more effectively.

7. Teach them that life is Not Fair

I could give many more points, but I will stop at this one. Our kids need to know that they may make major investments that don’t work out. They may not get picked for every team. They will have failures, mistakes and disappointments. Things will occur out of their control.

I am concerned that the current generation wants blessing with little sacrifice, pain or patient enduring.

We can’t prevent life from disappointing our children, so stop trying. Instead, teach them to face those events with resilience.

I want my family to know that no matter what happens to them, the one thing they can choose is their attitude. I define attitude as the emotional and spiritual atmosphere you set in your life. We subtly let that temperature get set by our circumstances, subtly training us to live as victims. When you realize that your attitude is a choice, any setback is a place of growth. Any mistake is a place of learning. Any harsh treatment received is an opportunity for character formation. Any disappointment is a place for hope to grow more firm in our hearts.

The greatest thing you can choose is your attitude.
Click To Tweet

Be encouraged today. Its not too late to pray into your child’s overcoming heart. Whether your child is 4 or 40, invest yourself relationally to draw out the overcomer in them!

Question: In what ways are you teaching your children to live as overcomers?

The post Raising Children to Live as Overcomers appeared first on Mark DeJesus | Transformed You.

#069: Removing Guilt from our Relationships [Podcast]

In this episode we talk about the problems guilt plays into our relationships, forcing us to carry burdens we should not be carrying.

This week’s episode covers the subject of guilt, and how it affects our relationships with friends, family and those we we help in life. What happens when you want them to be well more than they do? What happens when guilt gets into the equation?

Too many relationships are base out of guilt. Find out how you can overcome some of your relationship struggles by getting guilt out of your life.

In this episode we base our discussion on the following question that was sent in:

How do you honor & respect a parent with a severe drug addiction habit? When they are not in a place to receive healing or want help but continually pull the 911 trigger possibly for attention. This has gone on for years, but there is never any change or fruit on their part. It just causes complete chaos & family drama. I want to position myself with love, honor & respect but can’t give into the guilt every time.

Discussion Includes the Following:

How so many live their entire relational patterns out of guilt.
What guilt is and how it counterfeits real love.
How guilt prevents us from hearing from God.
Understanding how false-responsibility keeps us in guilt.
What we do to feel “ok.”
What does it mean to respect and honor?

Galatians 1:10 For do I now persuade men, or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I still pleased men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ.

Recommended Resource: Insights to Overcoming Guilt

Listen by Using the Player Below or with the Following Platforms

The post #069: Removing Guilt from our Relationships [Podcast] appeared first on Mark DeJesus | Transformed You.

Do You Want to Be Pastored or Pacified?

I have been concerned over the years that what is often looked at as pastoring is not always true pastoring. A pastor is a shepherd, who watches over and bring nurture to the life of the sheep. Jesus is the Good Shepherd, so He certainly is the greatest model of pastoring.

I am not sure Jesus would pastor people in the way modern pastors are being pushed to. Today’s culture seems to look at pastoring as something that actually looks more like pacifying.

Meet my needs, keep me happy, scratch my itch, don’t tell me anything I don’t want to hear.

I am not sure Jesus would pastor people in the way modern pastors are being pushed to.
Click To Tweet

Because churches have to run budgets and keep finances in order, making decisions is more effected by finances than principle. In addition, I am concerned we have created a codependent culture, where the pastor has to jump at every demand, every need and every complaint.

Because of this, pacifying people becomes more of a driving force than truly feeding the sheep with what God is saying. Certainly there are many pastors that misuse their authority, but are the people of God ready to be nurtured into being overcomers, or are we just wanting to be pacified?

Has pacifying people become more important than raising up overcomers?
Click To Tweet

I think Paul nailed it when he warned his spiritual son Timothy:

For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears; 2 Timothy 4:3

So, are you positioned to be pastored into your destiny or are you just seeking to be pacified? The following are 7 signs you want to be pacified more than truly shepherded.

1. They Do Not Have an Enduring Spirit.

If you notice, sound doctrine needs to be endured. Why? Because the solid truth of God often hurts at first. It challenges us and makes us uncomfortable. Not in an accusing way, but in a manner that calls awakening to a higher level. Those who want to be pacified don’t have endurance. Once the church life gets a little challenging or they have to deal with relational conflict, they often bail—blaming the church for everything.

Those that want to be pacified will make big statements, but have no follow through, because they have not learned to count the cost and build an endurance to plow through seasons of resistance. Tough times always cause them to bail.

2. They Do Not Like Truth that Makes them Uncomfortable.

This is probably the biggest sign, because all truth requires us to change. But most people do not want to change. Those that are pacified have no interest in changing, but you don’t always see it up front. It takes a time where truth requires a response. Their inactivity becomes manifest at times where the Word of God demands a response.

Solid truth calls us to change.
Click To Tweet

Pacifiers want to blame their circumstances. They do not want to address the things within themselves that are a part of the problem, because that would mean taking responsibility. The pacified want the binky or the bottle, but not the strong meat that requires them to make a change.

When God’s truth comes to us, a good shepherd will loving equip the saints to deal with their personal issues, offenses and brokenness.

But if we are not willing to deal with them, how can a pastor truly fulfill his calling in our midst?

3. They See Compassionate Challenges as Unloving.

The moment a pastor stops validating the woundedness and makes a call to step out of brokenness, resistance rises up. Now the pastor we once thought was so loving and caring is now the meanest person on the planet. I have watched so many friends in ministry get blasted by people in the body who claimed the pastor was being so mean and unloving. When all they were doing was bringing to the table a call to step out of victim-land and into victory.

Yes, there is a time to weep, grieve and address brokenness. But do we resist the new chapter where God is saying, “Rise up and walk!”

4. They Carry Unchecked Lust

I am not just talking about sexual lust, although that is included. Those who are pacified are driven more by their changing emotions and unguarded passions than they are by grounded heart relationship with God. So during the week, they spend all their time investing in pleasures and addictions. Then they walk into church expecting the pastor and leadership to serve their every need.

The moment you make them accountable for their lusts, they step back and refuse to hear. They have chosen to live a life that lacks any accountability for their lifestyle and actions. They just want you to stand up and teach what they want. They are not interested in being accountable.

Many pastors are left not wanting to even know what the sheep in the house are doing, because no one wants to be accountable for their life.

I ran into this early on when I brought a heavy revelation regarding the Father’s love. People would come in from all over seeking to gain healing and change from the blessing the love of the Father brings. But than after some time, when it got to the point where they needed to take responsibility for their life, people went scurrying. Many were more interested in blaming their life on their parents, leaders and circumstances. “What Mark? You want me to take responsibility for my life? You mean I can’t just blame it anymore on the fact that I have not been loved by people?”

Paul the Apostle said, you are not restricted by us, but you are restricted by your own affections. (2 Corinthians 6:12 NKJV)

5. They Need “911 Answers” Frequently.

They have ithching ears. Ever seen a dog that has a really bad itch? It moves its hind legs in turbo, rubbing to help alleviate that nagging itch.When you live by your emotional ups and downs, your immaturity manifests in needing answers “now.” Whenever there is a problem, the pacified calls with a demand to be addressed right away.

I think its completely ungodly how pastors are driven to have “on call” kind of posture in the church; where they have to sit by the phone and be at everyone’ beckon call. This keeps them from being able to raise their family in a healthy way and prevents them from the agenda God has placed over their day. Most pastors just jump to the call of whatever needs come up. Is this really of God?

Pacifiers just want a quick baba to get them through the moment. They are not interested in taking the time to grow, so they can they learn, mature and truly walk free of what is binding them.

Their problems did not originate overnight, so neither will their freedom. A true overcomer will work with their shepherd to improve their person decisions and break free from dangerous bind spots. 

Sadly, I have had to tell people at times, if you truly have a 911 issue, then call 911. To a pacifier, that sounds unloving. 

6. Their Inner Circle Just Tells Them What They Want to Hear.

Notice none of their friends and family tell them the truth. They dance around the person in fear or they are compliant to their dysfunction also.

One of the hardest things to do in life is to receive a corrective word from a covenant friend or from an overseer that is invested in your life. (Notice I did not mention someone who has no invested relationship in you, does not know you or does not have any oversight in your life?) I have experienced this a number of times. It stings at first, but does a massive healing work in my life if I hang in there and don’t get defensive.

Receiving correction at first can be really awkward, because our instinctive training from the enemy is to defend our strongholds and behaviors rooted in ungodly ways. Those who want to be pacified live with a chronic fear of being exposed and shamed, so they do whatever they can to ignore the issues of their heart so they can just feel good about their life.

They often ignore the pastors and teachers who know them and find a big name person who doesn’t to rescue them. They will run from conference to conference, meeting to meeting. But they ignore the council of their own pastors, friends and loved ones, who actually have a vested interest in their life.

7. They are High Maintenance.

It is my conviction through years of observation that those who take the most energy from a church are the ones who are the least invested.

Hebrews 12:7 talks about living before authorities in such a way that you bring them joy. Pacifiers drain the resources, energy and joy out of leadership. This is mostly because the don’t take responsibility for their own life. They see the church as a place to meet their needs, rather than an equipping station for them to walk out their transformation at home.

Unfortunately, you cannot be yourself around them. If you are a little off one day, they will make it personal. The moment you “fail” their expectation, out comes the anger and neediness.

Until we walk through some repentance, we will continue to make our pastors people who need to meet our every need, instead of seeing them as overseers designed to equip us to be overcomers ourselves.

Question: In what other ways do we live as people who want to be pacified?

The post Do You Want to Be Pastored or Pacified? appeared first on Mark DeJesus | Transformed You.

The 6 Stages of Spiritual Heart Disease

Today, because of the lack of cultivating healthy love in our hearts, many wander through life with severe heart conditions. I am speaking to more than just medical heart issues, but spiritual and emotional heart issues. These conditions come out of ignoring the spectrum of heart experiences in life; including loss, grief, sorrow, joy, peace and contentment.

These heart conditions arise coming out of people neglecting the tending of their hearts. When we pay attention to the life of our hearts, we allow healthy self-love to make way in our lives. Because so many have not been loved properly, they have no reference for love, let alone healthy love of self. So we ignore this issue and move on in life.

The following heart conditions begin to arise as a result. They work in stages. We begin at stage one, but if the diagnosis is ignored, we move further along until we end up at the last stage.

Typically, people do not end up in my office until they are at the last stage. They have lived for years without tending to the life of the heart and cultivating a love relationship with God, themselves and others.

As you read through each of these, once you feel that you no longer connect to the stage you are reading, you are probably at the previous stage. The good news is that, wherever you are, there is hope for God to breathe change, if you are open.

1. Broken Heart.

This is where it all begins. Everyone on the planet has a broken heart to some degree, because we are all broken to some degree. No one has received love or given love perfectly. The quicker we can identify that we carry a broken heart, the quicker God can address areas that need a greater revelation of love.

The quicker we can identify that we carry a broken heart, the quicker God can address areas that…
Click To Tweet

Self-love cannot be experienced when we leave a broken heart unhealed. The broken heart is a condition that arises when those who were supposed to love us did not. They either released harmful actions against us or they neglected to act in loving ways that you needed.

Most people carry a broken heart because they were NOT given what they needed. This becomes difficult to see unless we get a reference for what we did not have. For instance, the majority of people on the planet have no memory of their earthly father saying the words, “I love you.” Yet without knowing this was important, people will live on without letting that get healed and resolved. They walk around with an limp of unknown origin.

2. Fearful Heart.

Any area of brokenness makes room for fear to enter. Insecurity is the land where fear loves to dwell. Every area of insecurity and brokenness has a work of fear attached to it. Those with a fearful heart become trained to avoid any past pain from reoccurring.

Those with a fearful heart become trained to avoid any past pain from reoccurring.
Click To Tweet

Love had such a powerful effect that it actually casts out fear. Love and fear displace each other. When I am neck deep in fear, it drives out my ability to sense and experience the power of love. When I am living in the divine sense of knowing I am loved and allowing that love to settle within myself, fear has no ability to access my being. The answer to fear is love, yet every form of fear will pitch a fit to keep our hearts bound by its torment.

The answer to fear is love.
Click To Tweet

Even in the last days, Jesus said men’s hearts will fail because of fear. Fear will tag team on a broken heart to keep us focused on our past hurts as our story for the future. Those with a fearful hearts not only struggle to walk in love regarding themselves, they struggle to embracing experiences and be fully present. They are always projecting into that which they are not at peace about. Fearful hears become hypersensitive and constantly live to avoid their hearts being hurt or exposed.

3. Angry Heart.

As our fears remain intact, the stress and insecurity adds on another layer on top of fear; anger. The anger comes in to defend our brokenness and keep anyone away who might show a potential threat to us. All anger stems from unresolved brokenness. Very little of the anger has anything to do with the current situation or subject. It has way more to do a past wound that has never been addressed.

All anger stems from unresolved brokenness.
Click To Tweet

So many attempt to use anger management as a solution. Yet that is all they end up doing—attempting to manage it. When in reality they should be removing this battle. But we cannot remove something that we have allow to become a defense mechanism.

We cannot remove something that we have allow to become a defense mechanism.
Click To Tweet

An angry heart left unaddressed will eventually carry hate along with it. Yet the target of hate is not mainly others. This is a work of self-hate. The person may be angry with a past relationship, family member or life disappointment, but the target of their fury is against themselves. They carry a underground monster of self-hate that drives the overall angry presence they carry. The anger may stay bottled up or it will lash out on others, mainly because they have hatred against themselves.

4. Hopeless Heart.

When we walk through life overcompensating for our brokenness and serving our fears every day, we get exhausted. I know I did. You can only be angry for so long until you hit an exhaustion stage. Depression sets in. Energy becomes low. Irritability is high.

At this point, your faith becomes weary. The promises of God seem too far away. Breakthrough looks out of hand. Hope becomes weak. Our minds become so vulnerable to every negative thought that crosses the airwaves.

This is where people develop a “hope deferred” condition.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick. (Proverbs 13:12) This is spiritual sickness that can even lead to physical sickness. Hope is a lifeline for our lives and when it seems distant, out of reach or delayed too long, we suffer the effects of that. People at this stage have neglected to face their brokenness, fears and anger. Or they have no grid on how to overcome. Now their lens on life carries a lot of negativity and cynicism. When hope is deferred, we feel that it has delayed too long. Good things are out of reach.

5. Hard Heart.

At this stage, even hope deferred can be healed by walk through each of the previous stages and releasing the fears and anger we have towards others and ourselves. But when we neglect this, we develop another dangerous condition—a hard heart. At this stage, the heart has lost its ability to believe. A callousness forms around the heart, so even when a passionate message of freedom is delivered, their eyes are veiled and hearing is dulled.

It’s important that we never lose our ability to believe.
Click To Tweet

Hard hearts don’t hear encouragement or hope anymore. It takes a divine work of the Holy Spirit and the person’s willingness for a hard heart to be opened.

Please understand, when I talk about a hard heart, I am only not addressing someone who is not a Christian and is resisting the Gospel. I have crossed paths with hundreds of proclaimed believers that carry a hardened heart. They talk about times in the past, but they have nothing current they are growing in. They are manifesting the same ways and patterns for years, with no new change. This is a sign that hardness is present.

Wherever there is a hardened callous in our heart, we become more resistant to the transformative work of God. We become more stubborn in ways that need change. Pride pushes people back from seeing our vulnerabilities. Our hurt becomes an idol. Most of all, we lose momentum in growing.

Wherever there is a hardened callous in our heart, we become more resistant to the transformative…
Click To Tweet

The only solution to a hard heart is the act of humbling ourselves before God as well as others. When we do this, we position our hearts for the hardness to melt off and tenderness to take residence.

6. Numb or Checked Out Heart.

Getting to this stage is deadly. Of all the people I have worked with for over 20 years, the numb and checked out heart has been one of the most challenging to help. When the heart is engaged, the possibilities are endless for change. When its at this stage, it can seem nearly impossible to break through.

The numb or checked out heart has also become a more common condition today. Although the previous heart conditions listed here are dangerous when unchecked, this stage is lethal.

You can minister a 100 tons of nuclear love from heaven, but you will still get nothing. Very little engagement. Very little heart connection. You can see it in their eyes. Lights are on but no one’s home. Try to help a key area in their life and they check out. They may be present in the room, but absent emotionally.

People at this stage have either given up tending to their heart or never did so to begin with. Those who have become weary with their hurt, pain, anger and fears can often slide into a place of numbness. The pain becomes so unbearable to confront that checking out becomes a programmed way of living. They can go to work, pay their bills and say thank you; but inside, they are numb.

A Numb Culture

In fact, we have a numb heart-disconnected culture. Millions of people watch a show called The Walking Dead, which I believe it is a reflection of the conditions taking place in the hearts of people. They don’t see their need for heart healing and they walk around like zombies. Quite often, they don’t even care. They wander around in life, without ever tending to what matters most.

This numbness drives everything. The rise of mental illness goes back to a lack of love reference. The body knows when love is not present. When someone lacks proper love in their heart, their physiology can recognize the signals and break down. This is one of the reasons I believe we not seeing a dent made into the world of medical health. People’s bodies are breaking down because they feel separated from loving relationship with God, themselves and others. They live in an emotional prison. The problem is they are so checked out they have no ability to recognize that inwardly they are dying.

One Thing You Should Never Do

When I help people in various stages of heart conditions, I coach them to never let their heart grow hard. Furthermore, I plead with them to never turn the heart switch off. Turning the heart switch off is like hitting the main power breaker inside you. Everything becomes affected by this. In addition, when we switch the heart off, it becomes very hard to turn it back on. Very few announce this publicly and many don’t even realize what they did. It’s a subtle and deadly temptation given by the enemy to truly take people out.

In the Bible, David is the greatest example of keeping one’s heart alive. He lived as one who always engaged his heart. He would cry out with prayers of desperation, while at times even wondering where God was in the midst of his circumstances. He rejoiced with all his might in victories and wept deeply during seasons of sorrow. The key was he was always heart engaged.

So I tell people, if you’re mad at God, go ahead and tell him. If you’re sad, cry out to Him with everything you got. At some point in the heart exchange, God will meet you and lead you into transformation. He will always begin by showing you the depth of His love to fill your heart.

Without this change, our culture will manifest what Jesus prophesied, “the love of many growing cold.” (Matthew 24:12) This coldness will first manifest within. We lose our ability to love ourselves, so this gets reflected in our relationships with others.

We all will love others in direct proportion to how we have been able to love ourselves with a…
Click To Tweet

We all will love others in direct proportion to how we have been able to love ourselves with a fully engaged heart. Before we get any further into talking about the issues of your life, engage your heart. Awaken it. Ask God to give you a new heart. Humble yourself and allow the work of God to revive your heart. Face the pain you suppressed. Grieve through what you did not allow yourself to grieve. Let God once and for all breathe healing life into your heart. Out of that will flow a chain reaction to everything else.

The post The 6 Stages of Spiritual Heart Disease appeared first on Mark DeJesus | Transformed You.

#068: Single Moms, Women in Ministry & Interacting with the Opposite Sex [Podcast]

On this week’s episode, we talk about God’s order in the context of single moms, while we also questions on women in ministry and how to interact in a healthy way with people of the opposite sex in the workplace.

Question 1: Charity Spicer from California

Hi, my name is Charity I am eleven. I am a worship leader in our church with my dad. I don’t understand this scripture:

1 Corinthians 14:34 “As in all the churches of the saints, the women should keep silent in the churches. For they are not permitted to speak, but should be in submission, as the Law also says. If there is anything they desire to learn, let them ask their husbands at home. For it is shameful for a woman to speak in church.”

Shouldn’t women be doing the same things as men do? Thanks for your podcasts I enjoy listening to them.

Question 2: Audio Question from Sherina from California. 

Regarding single moms and how to apply God’s order in that context.

Question 3: On Interacting with the Opposite Sex at Work

My question has 2 parts – First, how do you interact productively with men in the work place in a way that honors them as brothers – for example, there are times when I need to work alone with a man who is married for extended periods of time. Additionally, how can women best interact with men in the work environment when they tend to be more passive? I find that most of the men that I work with are more passive than the females, and the women end up dominating in many areas. What can I do to empower men to rise up out of passivity? My strategy has been to wait to see if they will take the lead, to ask for help when I need it and to accept help when it is offered, but beyond this I’m not really sure. I do end up just leading/doing the task myself, because it seems like it won’t get done if I don’t!

The post #068: Single Moms, Women in Ministry & Interacting with the Opposite Sex [Podcast] appeared first on Mark DeJesus | Transformed You.

Comments: #068: Single Moms, Women in Ministry & Interacting with the Opposite Sex [Podcast].

Comments policy

How to Have a Good Argument

Most people hate conflict and many avoid it at all costs. But quality relationships are often forged when difficult conversations are had, and the relationship comes out stronger on the other end. I have found sometimes it means having a good old argument to shake the relationship to where it needs to go.

Unfortunately, the idea of even coming near an argument brings up fear and painful memories; usually stemming back to a bad relationship or childhood experiences. These negative references train us to avoid confrontational discussions, honest revealings or conflicts.

We have been programmed that arguments are always bad. The vast majority of people I bump into do not even like conflict in the first place, let alone getting into an argument.

We have been programmed that arguments are always bad. They don’t have to be.
Click To Tweet

While many of the arguments we experience can be dangerous, out of control and often start on petty issues; this does not have to steal the fact that having a great argument can actually be very productive to the future of the relationship. A good old fashion argument can actually bring out the needed changes and move the relationship to a new level.

A good old fashion argument can actually move the relationship to a new level.
Click To Tweet

Here’s my point: we need to stop looking at arguments as a bad thing and look at them as opportunities to grow the relationship to the next level. Our relationships live in groves and ruts; some good and some bad. Unfortunately, most things don’t change unless we get shaken out of them. If we know how to have a productive argument, we can find ourselves breaking out of dysfunctional patterns.

Unfortunately, most things don’t change unless we get shaken out of them.
Click To Tweet

Marital Arguments

When Melissa and I were first married, all our terrible argument skills came to the surface. What began as a “disagreement” moved into hot debates that soon brought in a cascade of deadly emotions. Things get personal quick–accusation started flying and all our immature communication patterns arose.

I quickly realized that when I am hurt and not being heard, I use the door as a way to escape. I remove myself as a way of protection, but I also remove myself from loving my wife in a moment where she needed to hear me. Melissa had her own patterns that she fell into, where the argument would change subjects every 3 seconds, where what we began to talk about was not even the present subject. Now we are arguing about things and we don’t even know why we are arguing anymore.

After a number of rounds facing this cycle, God quickly began to deal with my heart. My first response was to focus on my wife; but Father God wasn’t having that. He focused the scope right onto me and my heart. During that time, He began to teach me how to confront the issues of my heart that were not allowing love and transformation to enter. I began to realize that no matter what the argument is, what I bring to the table spiritually and relationally is more important than the subject we are addressing.

A New Perspective

I looked at the arguments in a new lens. Instead of seeing an argument as something to avoid, I saw it as an opportunity for our relationship to go to the next level. I love coaching married couples to engage arguments as a chance for their relationship to get shaken to the next level; to break out of mediocrity and move into a greater place of intimacy.

Today, we still have arguments, but our toxic engagements are less and less. Almost extinct. When we do argue, they don’t last as long and they become productive for change!

Personally, I do not believe the goal should be to NEVER have an argument again. Couples that never argue concern me. There’s often a lot of toxic sewage lingering underground. But a good argument can be a great way to grow in healthy communication.

Here’s some reasons why a good argument can be incredible productive:

1. You can move into a more honest relationship.

When we get into an argument, we often become more emotionally heated. This means that we have the potential to be more raw and unfiltered. This can be incredibly harmful if we don’t handle each other properly. Yet at the same time, relationships that are galvanized for long term effectiveness need that honest atmosphere.

Most relationships are stuck coming out of a lack of honesty. Only in the tunnel of relational chaos, where we get vulnerable and honest that we find ourselves coming out of that tunnel in greater strength together. The line from “A Few Good Men” of “you can’t handle the truth” is a valid statement. Only when we are willing to handle the truth that needs to come forward will effective honesty take place.

Most relationships are stuck coming out of a lack of honesty.
Click To Tweet

2. A good argument can break us out of areas that need to be addressed in the relationship.

Every relationship has bad patterns that need to be changed, but we typically do not change unless we are sick of our current state or we hurt enough that we have to change. Sometimes the relationship needs to be put to the fire, so things that are not of God can be burned out. For me, I needed to break deep patterns of selfishness, self-preservation and immaturity. But I would have never confronted these areas if the arguments did not send those signals to my heart. A good argument brings a sobriety to wake people up to what’s at stake.

Sometimes relationships needs to be put to the fire, so what is not of God can be burned out.
Click To Tweet

3. This is an opportunity to adjust our bad relational patterns.

What does it take to move from destructive arguments to a good argument? Changing your relational poor relational approaches. Embracing the argument with intentions to grow helps us over time to get better at having difficult discussions. Most people are terrible at having difficult discussions, simply because they never have them! The only way we can get better is to keep having them.

Most people are terrible at having difficult discussions, simply because they never have them!
Click To Tweet

4. We can model to our kids on having a disagreement, but its possible to talk through it without killing each other.

Most people hate arguments because they heard their parents violently arguing; throwing insults or objects at each other. Others grew up with their parents hiding their arguments, but the spiritual atmosphere of strife was still in the house. I am not saying to have arguments all the time in front of your kids. But when did we think we were fooling our kids, thinking they don’t know something’s going on?

With that in mind, let’s have some solid rules for a good argument.

Rules of Good Arguments:

1. You have to be deeply committed to the improvement of the relationship.

If you are going to be honest just before you walk out the door and get a divorce, then you’ve got the wrong mindset.

2. Commit to NOT walking out or checking out.

Honestly is only helpful there is an atmosphere of loving commitment that says, “I am in this to break through with you. I am not leaving.” This means no storming out of the room and not shutting down. These two behaviors are both rooted in hate (the withdrawing of love). It’s as that most couples are on the verge of breaking through, when suddenly one person storms out in hurt. They just missed the opportunity to let healing enter.

It takes two for this to work, so both of you need to hang in there and fight your way to the improvement of your relationship.

3. Remember the person you are talking to is not the enemy.

The spiritual enemy of satan’s camp is your enemy. It is he who is seeking to steal, kill and destroy. Keep your focus on who the enemy really is.

4. You have to face your poor communication skills.

We all have them. We start yelling. We accuse quickly. We don’t know how to talk through things. We are afraid. We dump the resentment truck of all the past issues. We accuse. All these need to be addressed so we can heal and approach the conversation better each time.

5. Learn how to listen.

An observation I find in people today is too many are terrible listeners. Most are either too distracted to listen or are simply waiting for you to get done talking so they can speak their prepared statements. When it comes to an argument, it does not matter if you are right or wrong, the one who is affective is the one who knows how to listen.

The more we listen, the more we can remain calm and the more we can hear the wisdom of heaven to get to the root of the problem. Part of maturity is being willing to understand what the other person is feeling, even though they may be wrong in your eyes. The one who can listen and hear the other person out is the one who will lead the relationship into resolution and better strength.

6. Address your personal defensiveness.

The things that make us mad stem back to issues of our heart that have not been healed. The only way you can have a more productive argument is to deal with your hurts and brokenness, otherwise you will defend them at all costs. You have two choices with your hurts; defend them or get them healed.

So a good question to ask yourself in an argument is, “What is the hurt that is coming up here for me?”

7. Ask yourself, “Do I want to be in a better relationship, or do I just want to be right all the time?”

Being in a great relationship does not mean being right all the time. If you don’t care if you are right all the time, its easier to be productive in the conversation.

8. Follow healthy conflict resolution.

In my book, “Bitter Free!” I outline how to participate in effective conflict resolution.

One of the best rules to use is the simplest. Communicate, communicate, communicate, repent …repeat.

Question: In what ways can you have “better arguments” so that your relationship can improve?

Get Your Copy Today!

 

The post How to Have a Good Argument appeared first on Mark DeJesus | Transformed You.

Comments: How to Have a Good Argument.

Comments policy