Ekta Somera's Blog

Cruelty vs Kindness

there were holes in my heart
that I filled with people
who used subtle gestures
like wooden swords
to hurt me gently
now there are splinters gnawing
against wounds that were healing

For as long as I can remember, I have been longing for something profound to happen that would make sense of everything around me. I learned in the most brutal way possible, that kindness does not come naturally to everyone.

We live amongst people who cannot comprehend the meaning of kindness, and people who despite knowing, cannot bring themselves to be understanding of it.

There are days when I wallow in self-pity and drown in my own toxicity, it is so easy to get swallowed into the pit of darkness that we are all desperately trying to escape from.

I spent months wondering why someone would hurt me with words that serrated through my skin. I carry the remnants of their knives with jagged edges on my back. The echoes of laughter are etched around my clouded memories, the silver linings are stained red, and no matter how much I searched for meaning, I could not understand the reason why they treated me in that way.

In their mind, they were just being honest and there is nothing wrong with being honest… except, there is when your honesty becomes arrogance, it blurs the truth and turns into disrespect. There are many ways to express authenticity, without being rude, without degrading another human being.

It would have been easy to break my seal of kindness, to crack open the swear jar and direct their cruelty back in equal measure, but that is not who I am. I would bravely stand at the center of a warzone without any shield, then attack people who were projecting weakness.

The thing is, after all the battles I fought without any armour, it was not my scars that provoked them, it was my strength. It took me a long time to realise, but people are intimidated by those who overcome the kind of things they never could.

I understand now, that our perception of the world is a reflection of who we are and not what we see. The way we feel about ourselves determines the way we treat other people.

My heart aches with every beat, but I will keep choosing kindness, because that is the only way to make this world an easier place to live in. I understand things that those who hurt me might never, and it is okay because they have to live with the same monsters inside of their head. Remember this, the next time someone hurts you, allow yourself to feel the pain but try not to succumb to it.

Look for the things that bring out the kindness inside of you, and in your search, there will be cruel people to face, draw your boundaries with a clean sword and walk away. Let them have their opinions, even if they think the worst of you, they might have it all wrong, but that is who they are choosing to be.

You be mindful, loving and kind. It will make you a happier person and those alike will gravitate towards you. It is not an overnight thing, but for as long as you keep choosing kindness, kindness will exist.

losing faith

i spent a lot of my life being unhappy, in unfair situations, with miserable things happening all around me but after a long time, i was finally beginning to feel okay because it felt like my life was coming together. i didn’t have everything i wanted, and that was okay. i was a published author, dating the boy i dreamed about, my family problems didn’t matter as much, i had freedom to live on my own terms, i was going out and experiencing new things. i was happy, but i didn’t have financial stability as yet, or the career i used to be in pursuit of having, and because of that, i lost everything.

i used to pray a lot, my beliefs in what existed beyond our plane of visibility was deep. i am a deeply grateful person, because even though time has passed, i still remember the way i felt when i didn’t have the things i do now but i can’t help feeling disappointed because i longed to earn my own money and experience independence. i sent a thousand copies of my resume, i sought connections, i prayed, i begged the universe, i tried to manifest that hope into my reality but…

despite all my efforts and all my tiny achievements, i was belittled for being unemployed at the age of 23 and i think that broke something inside of me. i feel sad so much there is no energy left to motivate myself anymore. i wake up with an anchor in my chest, perhaps that explains why i’m stuck here while everyone else my age is moving forward. where did i go wrong, what did i do, why am i being punished? i keep asking as the faith i once had in everything i prayed for, disappears into the abyss.

The path less travelled

Those without dreams will never understand the process of making yours come true.

At a young age, I discovered my vision to look beyond the glass ceiling, and then I tried to break it. To my surprise, I found that it is very easy to upset people when you travel further than the confinement of their own limitations.

I have always considered the old to be wise, my late grandad was the wikipedia and google in my world, before that existed. He remembered dates, people and places with a memory so immaculate, that one could have mistaken him for a human time-machine. As a little girl, his stories would take me back to years before I was born, and his belief in me, launched me towards becoming the woman that would accomplish what only seemed impossible. It took me a while to recognize my potential, but thinking back, I realize that is all he could see every time he looked at me…

Right now, I am writing this blog with a crack in my heart and a crushed spirit because despite all the kindness I have used to build others through writing, I have not learned how to shield my own self from harsh words.

A bitter old lady told me that I shouldn’t be sitting at home doing nothing, and perhaps I would listen if only we shared the same vision. You see, while others hurry to join the rat race, I decided to take the quiet road… They call this the path less travelled, like Robert Frost described in The Road Not Taken.

The choices we make create the path we take – there will always be forks in the middle of the road and we will have no choice but to choose, often without any knowledge of what lies ahead, but this is what separates the dreamers from those without any dreams. Those who believe they have what it takes to bring their imagination to life, know it does not matter which path you take, as long as you don’t follow those with a rule book and directions to the same place.

“Th-th-that’s all, folks!”

The importance of looking at life through a kaleidoscope

“If today gets difficult, remember the smell of coffee, the way sunlight bounces off a window, the sound of your favourite person’s laugh, the feeling when a song you love comes on, the colour of the sky at dusk, and that we are here to take care of each other.”

– Nanea Hoffman

At a young age, my parents separated, and that ripped me into two.

A part of me longed to fit in my father’s arms as I grew, another part of me wished my mother did not grow away.

At school, I was mocked for being a few shades darker in complexion.

My friends would turn the light on when I walked into a room and they called me names that stung beneath my skin.

My childlike sense turned into another wound I nursed through high school.

I spent years being sad, with an anchor thrust into my chest, weighing me down.

I strung balloons around my waist and tried to fly.

I swallowed helium, but that only made me squeal.

I complained so much, I became ill.

My arms were embellished with the art of blood and graffiti.

Home to home, I carried my boxes filled with passion and rage.

Until one day, I toppled them over and they turned into a mosaic.

It took a long time, but I finally realised that sometimes, we must look at life through a kaleidoscope to understand the essence our feelings.

From the gentle specks of dust floating on a promenade of sunlight, to the moon that strums the ocean waves, there is a profound truth hidden in the melody and those who look carefully, sometimes find the invisible threads that connect the universe.

We pick flowers and they grow back.

We scatter pieces of ourselves in search of meaning.

Surely, there must be others who felt this way…

I have often wondered what it would feel like to have some whimsical change happen to me, something my whole life has been leading up to. I did not know when or whether it would ever happen, but I kept waiting impatiently.

I looked up at the sky today and something happened

A flock of birds carrying a string of sound flew by

It was the missing chord

The reason why my heart beat off key

I felt overwhelmed and excited, was I having an epiphany?

It was somewhat of an awakening, a sudden realisation that we travel through clouds and across the sea in search of new scenery, when we can simply look up at the natural palette of colours unravelling each day, and as the birds follow their instinct, we will find our way.

twenty-two

A new normal

I think back to a seemingly ordinary day, and it brings the remembrance of a strange gloom. The radio shuttered, in prediction of bad news, right before the presenter announced the first case of covid-19 detected in South Africa. The sound travelled across the room, ringing in our ears as we stood still. As time passed, the statistics quadrupled, along with our fears which were literally masked in a charade as we settled into the sentiment of a new normal.

The beginning feels like eons ago, and as I struggle to remember the events that followed, I stumble on the melancholic feelings that arise in memory of it. Change is intermittent and although we tend to adapt, it is always difficult to accept when something gnarly happens. The first case brought a wave of panic, and none of us were ready for the kind of waves it led to. The mass hysteria caused by social media and paranoia left the shelves of grocery stores bare, and this did not help those with holes in their pockets. The first sight of stepping into a reality of people wearing masks with sanitizer attached to them brought a tingling sensation to my spine.

In a matter of days, the faith of our country rested in our hands as we prayed after the president announced a nationwide lockdown. I think that back then, we assumed this would be a phase that eventually passed but it has been months now and as far as the human race goes, we are fairly able to keep a 1.5 metre space between us while running. Unfortunately, the adrenaline took a while to kick in and we spent months feeling agitated as we waited for things to get better, the ban on cigarettes and alcohol took a toll on some, but that paled in comparison to those who lost their jobs to retrenchment and the digital apocalypse which redefined social gatherings.

In the midst of the chaos we faced as a nation, our youth suffered more severe unemployment, while the young endured the strain of the education system. Learners were forced to exercise the discipline of studying from the comfort of their bedrooms, using online learning tools without the familiar presence of their friends, until it was safe enough to attend school.

The gradual transition into the digital era began to transform our daily lives, as we adapted to working, shopping, ordering food and even writing exams online. For some time, it felt as if we were evolving into robots, but amid all the loss and uncertainty, we clung on to light humour found on social media, and it carried us -through. Stars were born on the TikTok app, we baked with a dozen different recipes of banana bread, and I like to believe that the little hope we had brought us all closer.

The virus itself presented each of us with a unique experience, and our front-line workers faced a wrath greater than we can commend them for. The tenacity of each wave adjusted the alert levels, which changed as the statistical curve danced to the tune of our actions. We spent months in the confines of our homes, mourning the death of loved ones behind a screen of glass.

There is no doubt that the past two years have changed all our lives in ways we could never have imagined. The upside to it is that we do not have to make excuses to stay at home or prepare for visitors. Many of us have adapted to avoiding large crowds and practicing physical distancing. We have come a long way from being overwhelmed at the sight of wearing masks, to not being able to leave home without one. We might have lost family and friends in the war, but I believe that each battle we faced during this time has taught us to be more sincere in our actions.

The rollout of vaccines offered a renewal of hope, along with the possibility of things going back to the way they were. The virus took us all by surprise and we do not know what the future holds from here on, but we have to be grateful for the time we had to spend on the things we never had time for before, it allowed us to become more aware of our emotions with all that was happening, I used the time to reflect and express myself in art and poetry, this has changed my perspective of life and the beauty wrapped around the fragility of it.

Made in Poetry

From a young age, I have not been as others were, I have not seen as others saw. There is something that draws me to the works of Edgar Allan Poe, his poem titled “Alone” resonates with my entire being.

I grew up picking sides and choosing which parent to spend time with, moving from home to home and losing pieces of myself along the way. However, I never want to be defined by the place I come from or the person I used to be, for who we are is far more important than what we appear to be. I think it is the mark of every warrior to have scars that remind us of the battles we faced, and my book is reminiscent of this journey and experience.

As a child, I decided to change the world, back then I imagined a future better than the one we were all conformed to live in. As the years passed, I realised that would take more than planting trees.

At school I was bullied for being a few shades darker than the desirable complexion, to this day it still baffles me how children are taught to compare people by the colour of skin we were created to live in. Individually, we each have strengths and weaknesses. I believe this is to balance some scale in the universe, like the symbolism of yin and yang. Words have always been my forte, while my inability to solve math equations led to my friends saying that I would never amount to anything.

During adolescence, my circle became a simple dot. I spent a lot of time alone without feeling lonely, my mind became great company as I began to observe people and things, creating my own understanding of what did not seem to make sense. It was beautiful to find that the world has more space for those who feel like they do not fit in. I wrote my heart out to find myself, hence the title of my book, Made in Poetry.

I do not believe in self-pity; I believe that our challenges are opportunities in disguise for us to seek our individual potential. We each have a gift and it is our responsibility to find it and make a difference. I used to write to inspire young people, but as I compiled my work into a collection, I realised that no matter the age or circumstance, any person at any given time could decide to change their life and it will change.

I want each person who reads my book to believe in the possibility of living their dream, to wake up each morning and feel like they are capable of anything.

rock bottom: a memory

Looking back at posts I reblogged two years ago, when I had hit rock bottom; when it felt like I would never reach the norms that were uplifted by people who looked down upon me because I never measured up to what they believed to be real. I have always lived in a dimension of sheer imagination, I have always believed that I would change the world, I have always been capable of going to college and leading what is considered an ordinary life, but I didn’t want that. To me, they all seemed crazy to want the same thing, when I demanded a future I could not possibly dream; a future beyond my imagination, because that I truly believed, is what I could be living. Now, I’ve inspired thousands of people and despite the odds against my peculiar beliefs, I created my own world and it’s a lot better to live in.

Rock bottom is only a feeling but, sometimes those seem out of control so, take a little fortune cookie advice from me –

1. Starting something new is always going to mean leaving something behind. The past tends to seem much more desirable, the moment you decide to face your fears about the future, but the life you want resides in that place you’re afraid to find. So, for what it’s worth, make that trip.

2. Losing is a part of life, if you look around you, there are people losing wallets, losing jobs, people losing hair and people losing their seat, if you’re not careful you might just lose the shoes right off your feet. Loss is a natural phenomenon, so appreciate life momentarily.

3. There are roads you will walk briskly, there are roads you will crawl, roads you will fall, and roads that will lead to a fork. At the end of the road, time meets fate but whether you do, depends on your will to continue.

Remember, strength is just hope in disguise. “Th-th-th-that’s all folks!”

not-giving-up story

hi there,

it’s been a long time… i suppose a lot has happened, however not much has changed. with everything going on, the future seems blurry, so i’ve had to put the present into perspective.

there isn’t always hope, when the tunnel remains dark and gloomy, it may appear that sight has become out of vision, and what is left once hope is gone for it takes along with it, all of what could be and when you left in the now as it is – not very great – it becomes difficult to imagine anything could be better.

i turned 21 a couple of weeks ago and it feels like i’m going in obscure circles. sometime ago, somehow, i tripped on a downward spiral staircase and ever since… well, you know.

there’s been humps and bumps and roley poley’s, i guess there are a few soft tumbles and smooth edges but just when i assume i’ve reached the end, i fall much harder.

i guess what i’m trying to say is, as difficult as it is to stay positive, it gets easier if not better, but for some of us it just takes longer… i can’t begin to tell you how badly i want to feel a sense of freedom without depending on anybody.

i’ve been talked down upon for the fumbles in my life, but you know what? miracles happen and who’s to say i won’t have a decent job or my own place soon? i’m not going to give up. i’ve inspired hundreds of people and even if my life turns out to be a flop, i don’t regret trying.

if you were expecting this to be a success story of some sort, i’m not sorry to disappoint. this is a not-giving-up story and maybe soon, i will come back and talk about how it does get better, if not, don’t give up anyway. whatever it is, wherever you are, try one more time.

“Th-th-th-that’s all folks!”

mental wealth

if you’re not in the mood for a controversial, possibly biased debate, please close this tab; close your eyes; run away; climb a tree or go to sleep; whatever appeals to you. (psa: punctuation isn’t my strongsuit simply because i only use it to make my sentences look like they’re surrounded by confetti.) okay, lets get started.

seeking medical attention for your mental health is super important, especially if YOU feel like it is deteriorating. i used emphasis on ‘you’ because only your opinion matters, BECAUSE you have to live with that mental state, and those who object to the necessities associated with keeping our mental health in good shape, have to unfortunately live with their own poor mindset.

otherwise, in my opinion, people need to be educated. “approximately 1 in 5 people experience mental health issues in a given year.”

Clinical depressionA mental health disorder characterised by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life.Anxiety disorderA mental health disorder characterised by feelings of worry, anxiety or fear that are strong enough to interfere with one’s daily activities.Bipolar disorderA disorder associated with episodes of mood swings ranging from depressive lows to manic highs.Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorderA chronic condition including attention difficulty, hyperactivity and impulsiveness.SchizophreniaA disorder that affects a person’s ability to think, feel and behave clearly.Obsessive compulsive disorderExcessive thoughts (obsessions) that lead to repetitive behaviours (compulsions).Post traumatic stress disorderA disorder characterised by failure to recover after experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event.now listen, experiencing any sort of mental illness/issue/disorder or whatever you want to call it, is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of once you obliterate the stigma attached to it. firstly, your emotions matter, because whatever you feel affects the way your body functions and when that appears to be out of control, most people wait for a physical ailment to seek medical help from their general practitioner.secondly, don’t worry about what ‘they’ think because we talked about this (reference to my previous blog)lastly, you’re not crazy, and i’m not even going to begin to discuss that because that thought roots from a peasant mindset.okay, the part i hate ranting about.  ‘the labels, the attention seekers and the overreactors’1. destroy the labels, get rid of it, let it burn.2. do not assume someone wants attention because they portray their emotions, we’re not crafted the same way, our background and history creates us and if you have not personally experienced something, your opinion is irrelevant.3. this is my personal opinion, which i am entitled to:– depression is not ‘just feeling sad’. it is like having an anchor stuck in your chest, carrying around a feeling you don’t completely understand, but everything and everyone feels unnecessary when all you want to do is wallow and loathe in self-pity.– ocd is not ‘placing things neatly in a row’ it is constantly touching the light switch because there are lingering thoughts that your parent may die if you don’t.– bipolar does not mean switching in a second because your boyfriend doesn’t reply to your text, it is having a head buzzing with ideas for days and then losing every bit of drive for days after.anyway, educate yourself. adjust your perspective. “going to a counselor or therapist when you’re feeling sad or overwhelmed, should be as normal as going to a doctor when you have the flu.” lets destroy the stigma associated with mental health.  “Th-Th-The, Th-Th-The, Th-Th… That’s all, folks!”

the time you enjoy wasting

wassup.

i haven’t been in a really great mood. recently, i’ve been taking a lot of naps, spending a lot of time alone – staring into the oblivion – in search of my mind. i recently read about astral projection in a book by Jodi Picoult. okay, that woman is the Athena of literature. ‘my sister’s keeper’ sewed my broken heart together and ripped it apart over and over again. but, i loved every moment.

don’t we enjoy the things that are most awry. when last have you enjoyed something you do every day, without thinking about how much you’re going to miss it in the next moment. doesn’t it seem like our happiness is based on fear? it’s like we have until the last grain of sand meets all of the others in the hour glass, to grab all the joy a second holds before it could slip away. think about that. really. think about that.

anyway, i want to share a thought which took me a long time to think about. something that might make sense only to those who have also lost their mind in the labyrinth, without any intention of tracing it back because they know there is no place it could truly belong.

“paint your heart out – even if it turns out to be stick figures on a canvas – frame it. draw the sun at the corner with ‘w’ shaped birds flying across the page, drum the furniture although you’ll never be a part of an orchestra. hold a hairbrush to your chin and sing, despite the crack or the squeak. whip up 2-minute noodles infront of your family, like a sous chef on a cooking show. play video games on easy mode, model in oversized clothing, write shitty poetry, reenact cliché scenes from your favorite movie. you don’t have to be talented to enjoy something. you know, time you enjoy wasting isn’t always a waste of time.”