Dunstan Ayodele Stober's Blog, page 5

The One Rule That Will Help Us Make 2022 and the World Better

Pay It Forward

“Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” – Luke 6:38

Photo by Hassan OUAJBIR from  Pexels

I believe I learnt the golden rule as a toddler through my grandma. This rule is truly golden and universal across all orientations, races and religions. And it is metamorphosing into different variants — the most common being “karma.”

But, I have been wondering if, indeed, the golden rule has lost its meaning?

Thankfully, just when I thought the golden rule had no more value than any contemporary cliché, someone restored my faith in humanity.

“We make a living by what we get; we make a life by what we give.” — Winston Churchill

About ten nights ago, I stood stranded next to my car in a hospital parking lot that was 90% empty. The car battery gave up the ghost. At the time, there were only three cars on the parking lot, including mine. The first guy offered to help if I had jumper cables. I do have jumper cables. But I left them at home.

My panic turned into worry when the next car, six slots away from mine, looked empty. Yet, I approached, not knowing why I was heading in that direction. Seeing a gentleman sitting on the curb in front of the vehicle gave me some hope. “Good evening, brother. Do you have cables to help jump-start my car?” I stuttered. He lifted his gaze from his phone to give me a blank stare. My heart sank as I tried to make up what he was saying with an Arabic accent and fumbled English. I turned to leave when I thought he was getting into his car to go. “Yes, here is cable.” The best four words of my entire evening.

We used the other guy’s car closer to mine to jump-start my vehicle. Yes! I was out of the woods. What the gentleman said in our closing exchanges lit my heart.

“Someone help me before, now I help you.”

Despite our minor communication barrier, we understood one thing. Call it Karam or the golden rule — you get what you send out into the universe.

My accidental experiment of the golden rule came full circle nine days after my failed start ordeal.

Photo by Aubrey Odom on Unsplash

“A purposeful act or extension of kindness is never wasted, for it always resides in the hearts of all.” — Molly Friedenfeld

Last night, at about 9 PM, I made a quick dash to the mall for a snappy ATM transaction. Dubai is probably one of the few cities one would not have to think twice about going to the ATM so late at night. I expected to find free parking spaces as it was late. But, the car park was packed to the rafters. On my second round, hoping to see someone leaving, I saw a rare sight. Four guys were pushing out a pickup truck, trying the mechanical jump-start procedure. No way, I thought. Coincidental, I put the jumper cables in my vehicle before leaving the house that night. I drove up to them as they pushed the truck back into the parking space after a failed attempt.

“Do you guys need help with a jumper cable?” I asked reassuringly. I heard a resounding yes, in unison, from four desperate men. They sound like kids who just got a pass to go play outside. I positioned my car, brought out the cable and connected for energy transfusion. In less than ten minutes, engines were revving the four guys were high-fiving each other. As we exchanged closing pleasantries, I said the following.

Someone helped me almost two weeks ago; now I have helped you.

It was like my reenactment of the movie released in 2000 — Pay It Forward.

What do you call such an experience — was it karma? Was it fate? Or was it just another coincidence?

One thing is sure and for a fact. Someone pulled me out of the woods and made my night better. I pulled returned the favour to a set of strangers and made their night better.

Whatever good you receive, return the gesture to someone else. And they, in turn, will do it for another person.

“Together, we can change the world, one good deed at a time.” — Ron Hall

I believe this one rule will make our 2022 better, and we will change the world one kindness at a time.

To pay it forward, you must

1) Always look for an opportunity to serve, teach or give, more so to a stranger

2) Serve without expecting anything in return

3) Not despise the small acts of kindness

Here are five examples of simple deeds of kindness that can make 2022 and the world a better place if we pay it forward in good measure.

My son’s note to one of my colleagues: February 2017

1) When you learn something new, teach it to someone else.

2) Lend an active listening ear. Sometimes, all we want is to talk to someone.

3) Volunteer at a charity in your community

4) Donate a book

5) Leave a thank you note for someone

I wish you a happy, brighter and better New Year in advance. Pay it forward.

Book Recommendations

Photo by Kimberly Farmer on Unsplash

The two books below make the top of my all-time list. They were my personal growth textbook during the 2020 lockdown.

a) Atomic Habits: An Easy and Proven Way to Build Good Habits and Break Bad Ones — by James Clear

Limitless: Upgrade Your Brain, Learn Anything Faster, And Unlock Your Exceptional Life — by Jim Kwik

Citations

Photo by Clark Tibbs on Unsplash

Here are three quotes on purpose, personal development and “paying it forward.”

“If you can’t figure out your purpose, figure out your passion. For your passion will lead you right into your purpose.” —  T D Jakes

“You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of.” —  Jim Rohn

“You can’t live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.” —  John Wooden

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I Believe this One Question Is the Key to Purposeful Living

Understand your present position to take steps in the direction of your destination

“Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.” — 1 Pet 4:10

Photo by Nicolette Attree from Pexels

You are likely to have come across some literature stating that glossophobia ranks as the number one fear. And I read that 75% of people surveyed by the National Institute of Mental Health (USA) ranked the fear of public speaking as their number one fear. Would you agree?

I believe otherwise. One critical and fundamental question ranks above the fear of public speaking when asked in the right mood and context. My friends chastise me for daring to ask this question of myself. But, some devastating news I received recently brought this question poignantly into focus.

Our alumni group have been in upbeat spirit, counting down to our much-anticipated reunion dinner. The event has been about two years in the planning, partly halted by COVID-19 travel restrictions. With a date locked down for Dec 2021, we were super excited to reunite after 25 years. Our aim for the dinner night was simple — reconnect, engage and enjoy the festive cheers.

But nothing is simple with a group of accountants, IT professionals and PhD holders. The intellectual exchanges in some of our event planning meetings sounded like Apollo 11 planning meetings. One planning committee member was always on point to remind us of the goal — to meet, greet and party. “Allow me to enjoy myself” was her favour meme phrase. After some jubilant, light-hearted exchanges in our WhatsApp group chat, I asked, “is this the Aminata I used to know?” The studious, no-play, no-nonsense lady at the Institute was now super active, full of life and ready to party. That was on a Sunday.

The following Wednesday, I checked my phone after a busy, long day at the office and on the cycling track. I sank into my sofa, teary-eyed and in utter disbelief at what I was reading. “Aminata Adam Samura passed. May her soul RIP. I am broken, completely broken. Talk soon.” A friend posted. She was gone five weeks after her daughter, Malaika’s, 16th birthday.

We were devastated to lose one of our active Steerco members 20 days before our reunion dinner. There was an overwhelming outpouring of condolence messages and vivid recollections of Aminata and what she stood for. And there were many questions too, but one profound — “what is life, if we can lose, so soon, someone who was kind-hearted, generous and full of life?”

“It does not matter how long you live, but how well you do it.” ― Martin Luther King Jr.

Our dear friend did live well; she touched many lives through her philanthropic endeavours. She stood for unity. She celebrated life and appreciated every moment of it, full of gratitude. She left a glittering legacy, personified in the daughter she gave to the world.

Photo by Brett Sayles from  Pexels

Maliaka was bold, strong, and of good cheer, giving the eulogy at her mum’s memorial service. Malaika’s tribute to her mum was full of wisdom way beyond her years.

“She taught us to live because we have one life. She died a peaceful death, I believe. So, there is no bitterness in my heart. ­– Maliaka Adam-Samura

Malaika’s demeanour and composure were as if her mum had prepared her for that moment. And the emotional tributes from colleagues, friends and family were as though Aminata led her life for that moment — the moment when people would say what kind of mother, friend, and colleague she was.

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” — Oliver Wendell Holme

In your quiet moment and a sober reflection, you will agree with me that glossophobia ranks below this question — What would speakers say about you and your life at your funeral?

While it might be death than the question itself that evokes fear, reflecting on the answer will help establish your guidance and values system in how you lead your life. According to Stephen R Covey:

“Begin today with the image, picture, or paradigm of the end of your life as your frame of reference or the criterion by which everything else is examined.”

Here are my top seven non-exhaustive, guiding principles and values I hope may help you in finding yours, if mine do not resonate with you:

1) Putting God first

2) Prioritising family

3) Practising gratitude

4) Asking questions and accepting I do not have all the answers

5) Focusing on making a difference

6) Always giving my best, aim for progress, not perfection

7) Living life to the fullest

Whatever principles guide you and whatever values you hold dear, always lead your best life as if today was your last. Because one day you would be right.

“If it falls your lot to be a street sweeper, sweep streets like Michelangelo painted pictures, sweep streets like Beethoven composed music, sweep streets like Leontyne Price sings before the Metropolitan Opera. Sweep streets like Shakespeare wrote poetry. Sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will have to pause and say: Here lived a great street sweeper who swept his job well.” — Martin Luther King Jr.

True success will be in knowing what you would want people to say at your funeral and achieving that. And if you did that, you would have led a purposeful life.

Book Recommendations

Photo by Kimberly Farmer on Unsplash

Here are two book recommendations that will help you in finding your purpose and making an impact:

a) The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here For? — by Rick Warren

b) Difference Makers: How to Live a Life of Impact and Purpose — by Gregg Matte

Citations

Photo by Clark Tibbs on Unsplash

Here are three quotes to help you focus on how you would like people to remember after you are gone.

“Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose.” —  Steve Jobs

“I long to accomplish a great and noble task; but it is my chief duty and joy to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble. … The world is moved along, not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes but also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker.” —  Helen Keller

“A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives.” —  Jackie Robinson

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How to Unlock the One Superpower in Discovering Your Best Self

Discovering, defining and developing your keystone question

“Do not say, “Why were the old days better than these?”For it is not wise to ask such questions” — Ecc 7:10

Photo by Mukesh Sharma on Unsplash

At a friend’s sending-off dinner last night, the chairman of our cycling group noticed I was being left out of the conversation as I was the only non- Malayalam speaking person. Calling out to the other 15 or so guys around the table, he said, “Tell us about yourself, Dunstan.” But before I said a word, the chairman continued, “wait, let me tell them a story. One evening, before our ride, Dunstan handed me a book to give him my review and feedback after reading it. When I got home, I looked at the title, and the bottom of the cover was the author’s name. Wait, I know this name. Oh! This is Dunstan’s book.” He cracked everyone up when he interjected the round of applause with a true confession. “The book is by my bedside, but I have not read a single page. I will post my review on social media after I read it.”

A series of questions followed on from about half of the people around the table. You could have heard a pin drop while I answered the most telling question of the evening.

“What is the most important experience of your life?” I moved forward in my seat, taking my back of the chair’s backrest to an upright sitting position to answer the question. “I have many important experiences. But instead, I will share the defining moment of my life,” I continued. That moment was the second time I saw my dad cry. The day I graduated from high school.

After much anticipation and anxiety, I presented the results of my final high school public exams to my dad. I passed with the second-best possible grade — first division, the best being a distinction. I was proud because I delivered what I had promised. But I was bemused by dad’s misty eyes looking up at me after perusing the report card. The mist turned into teardrops as he spoke. “Well done, Ayo. I am so proud of you. But, it is painful to think, I do not have the means for you to further your education.” I fought back my tears as I walked away to my room to process what I had just witnessed.

“I now believe that all of us have keystone questions, guiding us through life, whether or not we consciously aware of them. They are the deeply established questions we ask ourselves in the attempt to be our best selves.” — Hal Gregersen

There was my life before that moment and my life after that moment, defined by one question. I was 15! Behind the closed doors in my room, I endured some tears of my own while I tried to think about my immediate future. But without any self-pity and a resolve to build a stronger bond with my dad, I asked the one question that has defined how I live my life. Having just finished reading Hal Gregersen’s book, I realise that was my keystone question.

“How can I develop myself so I can help people to never be in a position where they cannot provide for their kids’ education.”

Since then, I have reframed my keystone question into my mission statement, which is “to help people break their limiting belief about what is possible for them so they can achieve their potential, realise their dreams and make a difference.”

What are you asking of yourself? How do you find inspiration in discovering your life’s purpose?

“The questions which one asks oneself begin, at least, to illuminate the world, and become one’s key to the experience of others.” — James Baldwin

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

Alexandros Papaderos gave the most thoughtful, insightful and profound answer I have ever heard to the question — “What is the meaning of life?”

At the end of one of his seminars, Papaderos took out a small mirror from his wallet to explain a childhood game that became a metaphor for the purpose and meaning of his life. He explained that, as a child, he used the broken piece of mirror from a wrecked motorcycle to reflect light into dark places where natural sunlight could not go. Alexandros Papaderos said of the meaning of his life:

“I came to understand that I am not the light or the source of light. But light, the light of truth, understanding and knowledge is there. And that light will only shine in many dark places if I reflect it. I am a fragment of a mirror whose whole design and shape I do not know. Nevertheless, with what I have, I can reflect light into the dark places of this world, into the dreary places in the hearts of men and change some things and some people. Perhaps others may see and do likewise. This is what I am about. This is the meaning of my life.”

It is almost poetic for one to discover their purpose or meaning of life from a childhood experience. But, we can discover, reframe or redefine that purpose, meaning or keystone question at any time if we create the right conditions. Hal Gregersen suggests embracing the following three practices to create the conditions in which better questions can emerge.

1) Be willing and ready to admit and embrace being wrong. The CEO and founder of Spanx credits are innovative instincts from the courage to embrace failure.

“My dad encouraged us to fail growing up. He would ask us what we failed at that week. If we didn’t have something, he would be disappointed. It changed my mindset at an early age that failure is not the outcome — failure is not trying. Don’t be afraid to fail.”

2) Push yourself to operate in uncomfortable environments. Organisational consultant and author, Idowu Koyenikan stated in his book Wealth for All: Living a Life of Success at the Edge of Your Ability

“Sometimes it is good to be in uncomfortable situations because it is in finding our way out of such difficulties that we learn valuable lessons.”

3) Make time for introspection. The American poet, biographer, journalist, editor and three-time Pulitzer prize winners said of introspection

“A man must find time for himself. Time is what we spend our lives with. If we are not careful, we find others spending it for us. It is necessary now and then for a man to go away by himself and experience loneliness; to sit on a rock in the forest and to ask of himself, ‘Who am I, and where have I been, and where am I going?’ If one is not careful, one allows diversions to take up one’s time — the stuff of life.

I hope you will create the conditions and situations where you “feel less right, less comfortable or less compelled to speak”, thus generating the right questions that you will live by, finding the meaning and purpose of your life.

Asking the right question is your superpower. Be ready to be wrong, endure discomfort and self-reflect — you will find it.

Book Recommendations

Photo by Tom Hermans on Unsplash

Here are two book recommendations that will guide you in discovering, defining and developing your keystone question:

a) Questions Are The Answers: A Breakthrough Approach to Your Most Vexing Problems at Work and in Life — by Hal Gregersen

b) Change Yor Questions, Change Your Life: 12 Powerful Tools for Leadership, Coaching and Life — by Marilee Adams

Photo by Drew Beamer on Unsplash

Here are three quotes to help you focus on asking the right questions that will unlock insights into your life’s meaning and purpose.

“If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today? And whenever the answer has been “no” for many days in a row, I know I need to change something” —  Steve Jobs

“You can choose courage or you can choose comfort. You cannot have both.” —  Brene Brown

“One of the fastest ways to find a solution to an issue or challenge you are facing is to ask the right questions.” —  Robin S Sharma

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The One Childhood Trait That will Help You Grow

A crucial skill to spark positive change and unlock new insight at work and in life

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” — Jam 1:5

Photo by Katerina Holmes from  Pexels

I am proof that we are born with that one crucial trait, and improving this skill has been pivotal in my growth at work and in life.

Riders take turns in planning and posting the regular rides to our cycling WhatsApp group for others to build a roll. During the previous week, before this article, someone posted — “Friday endurance ride 300km.” I saw the post after six names on the roll. My keyboard was clanging like an automatic rifle as I shot off a trail of questions until our chairman called off the ride. Phew, we were saved by questions!

A broad grin filled my countenance, telling myself — “I still got it”, reminiscing how as a kid, I would wear adults out with incessant questioning. My dad’s favourite recollection of my questioning prowess was when, after a long losing streak at Ludo, I asked a family friend, “do you think you are clever than God?”. A chat with toddler Dunstan was not for the faint-hearted. My question bank included questions like, “Where does the sun go behind the sea in the evening?” “If God made us, then who made God?”

I developed my love for books from my grandma, who had the patience and tenacity to withstand my interrogation. I asked questions faster than she could read, but she never shut me down. God bless her for encouraging me to keep asking questions. But everyone is that fortunate. Sadly, just like creativity, some of us lose this trait as we grow because of the dictates of our sect, school or society. We must build or rediscover our capacity to ask questions to help us solve problems and make breakthroughs at whatever we face.

Through his review of relevant research and interviews with creative people, Hal Gregersen, the author of Questions Are The Answer, discovered that:

1) “If you want better answers at work and in life, you must ask better questions.

2) If you want better questions to ask, you do not have to resign yourself to chance and hope they will occur to you. You can actively create for yourself the special conditions in which questions thrive.

3) People who ask great questions are not born different. We all start out with the capacity to ask about things we don’t know. The ones who choose to keep their questioning skills strong, just get better at it.”

I developed an entrepreneurial endeavour by asking, “how can I stop this bounty of unharvested mangoes from perishing?”

I believe I got the CFO promotion I sought because I asked my mentors, “what skills do I need to develop to be a good CFO?”

To get what you want, you must ask questions and ask the right ones. The journey to solving a problem starts with asking the right questions.

Photo by National Cancer Institute on Unsplash

“The important and difficult job is never to find the right answers. It is to find the right questions. For there are a few things as useless if not dangerous as the right answer to the wrong question.”  — Peter Drucker

“Why are computers’ cost five times as much as the sum of their parts?” was the catalyst for the business model for Dell Computers.

According to Hal Gregersen, the first of the five behaviours that make up the innovators’ DNA is the habit of asking more questions. I gleaned the following four benefits of asking the right questions from the prologue to Hal Gregersen’s book.

Questions help us:

1) See how things would be different to develop original thinking

2) Spark positive change and unlock new insight for innovation and progress

3) Challenge assumptions and conventions to break the status quo

4) Breakdown barriers to thinking, opening the way for productive dialogue

Information is power only if we turn it into insight. Finding the answers to Jim Kwik’s three questions will turn information into insight.

“How can I use this?”

“Why must I use this?”

“When will I use this?”

Rediscover the kid within you, be curious again and ask more questions. And when you find the answers to the right questions, be sure to act on them. I ponder the following questions to help me grow, improve, and develop at work and in life.

1) What will people say at my funeral?

2) What is most important in my life, and how must I act today to prove that?

3) What can I be grateful for today?

Here is one crucial question for you — What are you asking of yourself? If you are not sure, start with this question.

“Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, What are you doing for others?” — Martin Luther King, Jr

Book Recommendations

Photo by 🇸🇮 Janko Ferlič on Unsplash

Here are two book recommendations that will guide you in knowing what to ask, how to ask and whom to ask to help you solve problems, discover your purpose and potential:

a) Questions Are The Answers: A Breakthrough Approach to Your Most Vexing Problems at Work and in Life — by Hal Gregersen

b) Man’s Search for Meaning — by Viktor E Frankl

Photo by Emily Morter on Unsplash

Here are three quotes to help see the benefits of asking the right questions.

“I have found that almost everything that is going to come to me, that is going to help me leadership wise is based on a question.” —  John Maxwell

“To solve any problem, here are three questions to ask yourself: First, what could I do? Second, what could I read? And third, who could I ask?” —  Jim Rohn

“In the word question, there is a beautiful word — quest. I love that word. We are all partners in a quest. The essential questions have no answers. You are my question, and I am yours — and then there is dialogue. The moment we have answers, there is no dialogue. Questions unite people.” —  Elie Wiesel

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You Are on Mute

The most famous phrase in 2020 and 2021

“For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known..” — 1 Cor 13:12

Photo by LinkedIn Sales Solutions on Unsplash

“You’re Invited: Dinner.” That email subject line made me feel like a teenager going to a friend’s birthday party. Then the reflex kicked in. I scrolled down the body of the email, looking for the Microsoft Teams meeting link. Dress code?

Yes. It was a dinner, just like old times. We got to dress up, show up at the venue, eat and have face to face conversations with other people. It was a refreshing time, hanging out with colleagues and feeling that human connection again. We got to talk about family, things we do for fun and how we have been coping with the challenges of the pandemic. It was surreal to everyone that this was the first in-person team dinner we had for the first time in over two years.

We have been working, managing our teams and coordinating business all through Zoom and Teams platforms. We joked about how we mostly forget to turn on our mics during such meetings. And the constant reminders of “you are on mute.” The inevitable debate about the effectiveness of these meetings was a common agenda in the different cocktail discussions.

While most of us acknowledged that WFH is here to stay, everyone I interacted with expressed their frustrations with this “new normal.” Internet connection interruptions. People in the office dialling to the same meeting from different rooms. And the one that seems to generate the highest emotions — no camera on. One colleague was visibly animated while expressing her contempt for the no-camera folks. Even when I join our alumni virtual meetings, I hear comments like “I am not camera ready.”

I have a colleague who I secretly call the “camera police.” He will insist that all members switch on their cameras during meetings. And we have a “COVID” enforcer — masks on for all members sitting in the same meeting room and not maintaining the social distance. Can you relate to any of these?

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I will like to hear your thoughts and views around virtual meetings — preferences, frustrations and best practices. Please fill out the poll from the link below — Your POV about virtual meetings:

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Dare To Compete

The differentiating trait of successful people

“Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong.” — 1 Cor 16:13

Photo by Monstera from  Pexels

One of the ironies of living in Dubai is that we drive in our cars to get to a park to ride our bikes. Needing something to psyche me up after a tough six weeks layoff from the cycle, I tuned into Jay Shetty’s “On Purpose” podcast while driving to the cycling track for day two of a 30 by 30 challenge. As always, Jay was delivering an inspirational masterclass with his guest — Maya Shankar (my daughter’s namesake).

One comment from Maya resonated so strongly I had to replay it several times afterwards. She made me realise that other people do face anxious moments and feelings of insecurities. But self-awareness and the ability to deal with those anxieties and insecurities are what set successful people apart.

“Maybe I’m too afraid to do the thing I’ve been asking everybody else to do. Maybe, I don’t think I’m good enough. Maybe, I don’t know if I have what it takes.” — Hilary Clinton

That was Hilary’s reaction to a comment from a basketball player while she was courtside during a game. “Dare to compete, Mrs Clinton, dare to compete.” This point made me reflect on my recent experience getting back to the game of squash, which I had not played since I left Dar es Salaam in 2017.

When I briefly stopped cycling in September this year because I did not have a car, I found a squash court within 3KM of my house. So I signed up to have something to maintain my stamina. But my first call with the club manager on that Saturday was not what I expected. His immediate response to my enquiry was, “Oh you are in luck! We have one spot left in our beginners’ tournament this coming Friday.” What? I can’t play, I replied. I need a coach to start practising, and I do not intend to compete. I am doing this to keep fit. I could almost bet this guy was deaf because he then said, “you can come over to sign up with our coach when he returns from his vacation on Tuesday.” I will see the coach, but I will not be playing in the tournament. “See you on Tuesday.” Click.

On Tuesday, I got to the sports club in my running shoes, shorts, and a T-shirt to inquire about membership details. “Yes, I was expecting you,” the coach said after we exchanged pleasantries. What do you mean you kept my spot for the tournament? I told your colleague I would not be playing. “Some of the guys who will be playing at the tournament are on the court now. You can play a few games with them. Then we will have a training session on Wednesday to get you ready.” I turned to see whom he was talking to; “yes, you,” he said. Coach, I don’t have a racket, and these are not squash shoes. “No problem.” A few minutes later, the coach handed me a racket and directed me to a waiting opponent on the court.

In no time, I was panting like I had just finished a 100 meters sprint. I prefer not to let the scores distract you from the point of the story. So let’s move on. All I said some 20 minutes later was, water! Water! Water! Coach, I think I am going to faint. I can’t do this — no tournament for me. I could have been talking to you at this point. “Don’t worry; you will be fine. Just focus on participating. The first round is only five matches on best of three games each.”

Photo by Artem Podrez from  Pexels

All my excuses fell on deaf ears. So, I showed up on tournament day to find the coach did bring my racket and a pair of squash shoes as promised. Seven matches later, I lost the third-place play-off match. Almost a month after the tournament, I am still showing up at the squash courts, winning some and losing most.

Although I am back on my bike, I am not letting off on squash. The few weeks of getting back to the game and the experience of playing in that beginner’s tournament reinforced a few life lessons. And the most important is captured in the quote:

“You don’t have to be great to get started. But you have to get started to be great.” — Les Brown

I did not want to play because I was not ready to compete at any level, albeit amateur. The squash coach said to me, “you will not know your level until you play against others. Go give it your best shot.”

Are you thinking about writing a book, but you are afraid of what readers may say? Have you been holding back on that business idea because you are scared it will fail? Are you scared of applying for that job because you don’t think you have what it takes?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, or you the fear of failure has been holding you back to start something new, then read these words from Maya Shankar.

“We all have some degree of self-doubt. And, it’s just a matter of finding ways to manage that and learning from other people’s experiences.”

I dare you to compete. I dare you to give it your best shot.

Book recommendations

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Here are two book recommendations that will inspire courage in you:

a) The Alchemist — by Paulo Coelho

b) The Last Lecture — by Randy Pausch

Citations

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Here are three quotes to help you find the courage to start and avoid the fear of failure:

“Anything worth doing is worth doing badly until you get it right.” —  Les Brown

“Don’t die with your music still in you.” —  Dr Wayne Dyer

“Don’t give in to your fears. If you do, you won’t be able to talk to your heart.” —  Paulo Coelho

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Our Differences Can Make the Difference

A lesson from Lincoln for building effective teams in turbulent times

“Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight.” — Roms 12:16

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According to an article on Mind Tools, a career learning hub, having “strong relationships” is one of 10 ways to develop resilience. The developments in the past few months in Afghanistan, where I work, helped put this point into perspective. My network of family, friends and former colleagues showed a great deal of care with well-wish messages on seeing the news about Afghanistan. Knowing the people in my network care about my well being was comforting. But one question was prominent at the end of those conversations.

How are you managing the disruptions of the COVID-19 pandemic and the recent political developments in your business?

The simple answer to managing in turbulent times is to have a strong, resilient and agile team. There is no doubt we are going through a turbulent time across the world. We are witnessing an increase in civil unrest, a looming energy crisis, wars and natural disasters. Leaders of governments and companies need strong and effective teams to help them navigate these troubled waters. But what does that mean?

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To evaluate the most effective, I reflected on all the teams I worked with during my 24 years career from Sierra Leone to Kenya, South Africa, Tanzania, Myanmar, and Afghanistan. The team in Tanzania stood out for me. We achieved an incredible business turnaround on the road to attaining market leadership. Of all the teams I have worked with, Tanzania had the most diversity. The team members came from Canada, India, Kenya, Paraguay, Sierra Leone, South Africa, Tanzania and Zambia. This diversity ensured we benefitted from a deep well of experience in the industry.

Doris Kearns Goodwin, historian and the author of the best-selling book, Team Of Rivals, said about forming a team to lead in turbulent times.

“Good leadership requires you to surround yourself with people of diverse perspectives who can disagree with you without fear of retaliation.”

Goodwin captures Abraham Lincoln’s blueprint for building a diverse team during, possibly America’s darkest history. It was no surprise that Barak Obama referenced Team Of Rivals when asked how he would form his government (team). Goodwin chronicled how Lincoln appointed three of his harshest rivals into his cabinet, who became his trusted allies. The 15 Presidents before him built cabinets of like-minded individuals. But during the difficult time of Lincoln’s presidency, he needed a cabinet made up of the best people for the job irrespective of their affiliation, background or differences. To lead in difficult times, leaders must move from having a homogeneous to one that is diverse. A paradigm shift John C Maxwell calls the “improvement shift.”

“Our differences can make a positive difference.” — John C Maxwell

My mum deliberately taught me to embrace people who do not look, talk, think or pray like me. And this lesson has helped me thrive in the diverse cultures where I have had the pleasure to work.

But leaders avoid diversity because they are afraid of conflict, lack an extensive network, fear dealing with their prejudices, are arrogant, feel insecure and are not inclusive. “Diversity is uncomfortable.”

As Lincoln showed, to successfully form a team of different-minded people, leaders must empathise, show compassion and honesty. These three qualities will enable a leader to get the best out of a diverse team if they take the following five steps.

1) Establish common goals and interests. No individual interest should be above that of the group. Not doing so will undermine the success of the team.

2) Focus on overcoming external challenges. Avoid internal conflicts and rivalry while focusing the team’s energy on external forces and factors.

3) Encourage different perspectives. Seek collaboration over internal competition.

4) Foster healthy conflict. A healthy conflict “produces the best possible solution in the shortest period of time,” says Patrick Lencioni, author of The Five Dysfunctions of a Team.

5) Build resilience and agility. Develop strong connections within and outside the team, make room to learn from mistakes and be flexible and adaptable.

Three key advantages of a diverse team will help leaders and their organisations deal with the complexities, uncertainties, and risks of managing in turbulent times such as what we are experiencing worldwide today. According to John C Maxwell, the advantages are:

1) Filling the knowledge gap — this team will broaden the knowledge base within the group. For every difficult situation, we always find at least one member who knows possible solutions.

2) Filling the perspective gap — diversity breeds independent thinking, which brings various perspectives towards a problem.

3) Filling the experience gap — no two experiences will be the same. Hence the more diverse the group, the broader the experience pool. We pull experience from at least 10 different experiences in our team when we tackle any new challenge.

“Our differences really can make a difference in our teams, our organisations and our individual lives. Once we find common ground and commit to bringing the best out of people who are diverse, good things will begin to happen.”

I truly believe this team dynamic is helping us successfully manage under the current circumstances in Afghanistan.

Book recommendations

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Here are two book recommendations on building diverse teams:

a) Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln — by Doris Kearns Goodwin

b) The Five Dysfunctions of a Team: A Leadership Fable — by Patrick Lencioni

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Here are three quotes to help you embrace diversity to foster productive teamwork.

“Diversity is the art of thinking independently together” —  Malcolm Forbes

“We are building products that people with very diverse backgrounds use, and I think we all want our company makeup to reflect the makeup of the people who use our products” —  Sheryl Sandberg

“When we listen and celebrate what is both common and different, we become wiser, more inclusive, and better as an organisation.” —  Pat Wadors

Answer These Three Questions to Become A Exceptional Leader

It all starts and ends with belief

“Not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” — Phil 2:4

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There is one thing I can guarantee with absolute confidence that comes from my experience over many years. You will pick up a new insight, learn something new every time you digest content from John C Maxwell. And what I want to share is the latest leadership insight I learnt from him a couple of weeks ago.

While doing leadership research for my next book, I came across a very profound piece of insight about what followers need from their leader. In his book, “Leadershift”, John C Maxwell lists 11 essential “shifts” that we must make to become influential leaders. He hooked me from the very first point — moving from “Soloist to Conductor.” This shift means one thing:

“This requires taking the focus off yourself and looking for ways you can help others reach their potential.”

I have struggled to follow and trust leaders I did not believe were adding value to me. Of the 10+ CEOs and CFOs I have worked with, only one stood out to be my mentor. He was genuinely interested in my career and was constantly adding value to me. We had great one-on-one sessions; he offered honest feedback, telling me what I needed to hear and not what I wanted to hear, and he followed up on my progress. A short story by John Maxwell helped me understand why my mentor was such an exceptional leader.

A gentleman said to Maxwell just before he was about to start a talk in Kyiv — “I know you teach a lot about leaders adding value to others, but you need to know that message will not work here. For three generations, people here have been under leadership that has taken value from them, not added value to them.”

“Everything rises and falls on leadership.”

In addressing that apprehension, I could instantly relate to the three fundamental questions Maxwell outlined that followers ask of their leaders. Anyone interested in becoming a successful leader must answer these questions honestly, not in words but by action.

1) Do you care for me? I could tell my mentor cared for me by the interest he showed in my work, the way he listened to me, and how he challenged me.

2) Can I trust you? My mentor was willing to be vulnerable. He shared his experiences in assuring me when I felt I was not growing. He led by example.

3) Can you help me? I improved my business presentation skills because my mentor was the first person to call out my flaws. And he followed up by giving me tools, resources and opportunities to practice my craft. He was there to help.

I was keen on developing my leadership skills because my mentor showed me that leadership was about helping others achieve their potential, caring for and adding value to others. 95% of teenaged students surveyed before a leadership course by John C Maxwell and Rob Hoskins in Ghana said they did not want to become leaders. The examples of leaders they had experienced did not inspire them. 85% of them replied in the affirmative after learning what true leadership is about.

“You can have everything in life you want if you will just help other people get what they want.” — Zig Ziglar

A successful leader must have a passion for others, and that passion starts with having the right belief system. We receive what we believe, and we see what we focus on. This thinking is part of a cycle that John C Maxwell refers to as the “positive cycle” of action. To me, it creates a virtuous cycle that will make us better leaders and help us achieve our dreams.

Positive Cycle (adapted): Illustration by Dunstan Ayodele Stober

“ Belief encourages anticipation. Anticipation creates intention. Intention helps us prioritise focus. Focus helps us see opportunity. Only when we see the opportunity are we able to take action on it. When we do, it inflames our passion to do more good. That in turn fuels belief. And the cycle begins all over again. This is a circle you definitely what to keep unbroken.”

- Excerpt from Leadershift: The 11 Essential Changes Every Leader Must Embrace

Start by believing you can add value and create an impact on your followers. That belief will make you anticipate the change you seek, which will build the intention within you. And with the right intention, you will focus on others instead of yourself, which will make you see the opportunities to impact those around you positively. When you spot the opportunity, take action to grow your passion and reinforce your belief.

Make the shift from self to others and answer the three questions that will make you a great, impactful and successful leader.

Book recommendations

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Here are two book recommendations on leadership:

a) Developing the Leader Within You 2.0 — by John C Maxwell

b) Leadershift: The 11 Essential Changes Every Leader Must Embrace — by John C Maxwell

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Here are three quotes to help you shift from self-focus to others-focus.

“As leaders, we must stop wishing and start working. Instead of looking for the “secret sauce of success, we must start sowing the seeds of success.” —  John C Maxwell

“Good leaders do what they can to put others in a position to win.” —  John C Maxwell

“Before you are a leader, success is all about growing yourself. When you become a leader, success is all about growing others.” —  Jack Welch

The Philosophy of a Third Grade Dropout that will Make You a Better Leader

The key to successful leadership is influence

“But among you, it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant.” — Matt 20:26

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“Why is your first book about your mum and not your dad?”

I pondered on that as I handed an autographed copy of the book to my friend sitting across the table from me. Then, I explained. My mum’s six lessons became my blueprint for navigating through my career and business.

The dean of my first leadership school was a high school dropout bus driver.

I received the best leadership lessons from watching how my dad led himself and the apprentices who learnt their trade from him. He valued punctuality, presentation and respect. His apprentices loved being around him because he pushed them to be better. When I was about seven or eight years old, he would sometimes take me on rides on his bus while he worked.

I saw how he did everything with his “boys” — from having lunch to cleaning the bus together. No one was the boss.

Reflecting on those experiences have helped me develop great insights that are shaping my leadership style. Then I remembered how my story resonated with Dr Rick Rigsby’s “Lessons from a Third Grade Dropout.” On getting home from that dinner, I flipped through my YouTube playlist to rewatch Dr Rigby’s California Maritime Academy commencement speech.

“Philosophy, the major determining factor in how your life works out.” — Jim Rohn

I encourage you to consider the six principles I picked to help you in shaping your leadership philosophy. While these concepts may sound like simple, common-sense ideas, they are not commonplace. The video has amassed millions of views for a reason.

One way to create an impact as a leader is to how to combine knowledge and wisdom, according to Dr Rigsby’s dad. Leadership is about influence and impact, not about title or position.

Here are the simple yet profound six leadership guiding principles I culled from the YouTube video that resonated with the insights I have developed from the experiences with my dad.

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1) Be punctual

One day I watched dad drive off before I could rinse off the lather from one of the back tires because he had a pick up appointment to make. Writing this point now, is a wake-up call and poignant reminder of dad’s sternest lesson. He said, “showing up early for an appointment is proof of respect.”

“Son, you’d rather be an hour early than a minute late.” — Mr Rigsby.

2) Treat others with humility, kindness and dignity

Have the humility to learn from others around you, the courage to accept that you do not have all the answers and don’t have to take all the credit. Dr Rigby said, “Ego is the anesthesia that deadens the pain of stupidity.”

“Son, make sure your servant’s towel is bigger than your ego.” — Mr Rigsby

3) Learn to serve to know how to lead

One of the most successful coaches in USA college basketball history and a mentor to John C Maxwell, John Wooden was famous for sweeping the gym floor after his players. The formula for making an impact is to serve, attract and influence.

“You want to make an impact? Find your broom.” — Dr Rick Rigsby

4) Value people instead of judging

According to the leadership expert, John C Maxwell, giving value to people and expressing that to them is the common ground that builds relationships. In his book, Dr Rigsby asked, “What do people feel like after they have been in your presence? Do they walk away saying, “I saw another possibility in life?” Or do they depart undaunted, unaffected, and none the better?”

“Son, don’t judge people.” — Mr Rigsby

5) Strive for excellence

I have scars on my knees and hands from bending down to wash the undercarriage of dad’s cabs. So, I was almost furious when I found out the cabs that scared me were not his. And I asked him this — “Why do you take so much care of these cars when they are not your?”

My dad replied, “You must handle everything in your control with diligence and care as best as you can, yours or not. Because how you handle others’ is how you will handle yours.”

When asked why he left the house at 3:45 AM every day, Mr Rigsby replied, “Maybe, one day, my boys will catch me in the act of excellence.”

“Good enough is not good enough if it can be better. And better is not good enough if it can be best.” — Dr Rick Rigsby

6) Be resilient

I grew up seeing my dad lose one job after another. But, he kept believing that the next one would be his chance of owning a car. That did not happen until he was 55. According to Dr Rigsby, the person that gets up off the canvas and keeps growing that’s the person that will continue to grow their influence.

Deflated, despondent and despaired standing beside his wife’s coffin, Dr Rigsby said three words from his dad lifted his spirit.

“Son, just stand.” — Mr Rigsby

“Everything rises and falls on leadership.” — Jonh C Maxwell

How would you answer the one question Dr Rigsby’s third-grade dropout daddy asked him every day?

“Son, how are you living?”

To be a successful leader, I suggest you live every day developing your philosophy, learning how to be a better leader and practising leadership consistently.

Book recommendations

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Here are two book recommendations on leadership:

a) Leaders Eat Last: Why Some Teams Pull Together, and Others Don’t — by Simon Sinek

Leadershift: The 11 Essential Changes Every Leader Must Embrace — by John C Maxwell

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Here are three quotes to inspire you to increase your influence and become a better leader.

“We increase the influence with people when we intentionally add value to them on a consistent basis.” —  John C Maxwell

“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.” —  John Quincy Adams

“Before you are a leader, success is all about growing yourself. When you become a leader, success is all about growing others.” —  Jack Welch

Work-Life Balance Is An Illusion

A paradigm shift for thriving in today’s workplace

“There is nothing better than that all should enjoy their work, for that is their lot.” — Ecc 3:22

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“I am quitting my job tomorrow.”

He is never short of rib-cracking punch lines, but that statement was not a joke. My dad was misty-eyed when he announced those words to my mother, my younger brother and me. This job was one of his best; he was not a cabby. The pay was good and regular, chauffeuring the brother of a VIP. I was shocked and disappointed. But it all made sense to me 18 years later.

On a day off, my dad attempted to play with my two-year-old sister at the time. She kicked and screamed for the safety of her mother. My sister did not know her father because he was never home during her waking hours. That put my dad at a crossroads — his job or bonding with his last-born daughter. He quit the next day.

Fast forward to 2010. Extended office hours dominated the second year of my first ex-pat assignment. It was commonplace to see me leaving the office when my colleagues are reporting for work. A friend called those “trans-nighting” shifts. During the day, I lose myself behind heaps of purchase orders and payment vouchers, and at night, my eyes were staring deep into rows and columns of Excel financial models or long strings of PowerPoint slides.

Then like my dad, I had a day off. And like my dad, I attempted to play with my two-year-old son. Okay. I can see you doing the maths here. I was two years into the job, and my son was two years old, which means, eh…? Well, yes. I was busy with other duties as well. But, let’s stay on the story, shall we? So, just like my sister’s reaction, my son screamed in horror as if he had just seen a ghost. Yes and no.

Yes, I announced I was quitting after that. And no, I wasn’t as brave as my dad. But, that moment made me decide to look for a job that will give me a work-life balance. I turned down a pay raise and an offer to telecommute for a new position in South Africa. Ironically, after one year, I left South Africa to take up a job in Afghanistan, putting me farther from my family. These experiences taught me one valuable career lesson.

Pursuing the proverbial solid line between work and life is like a dog chasing its tail.

My close associates often ask how I keep writing, oversee our family business, cycle, workout in the gym while working as the CFO of a leading telecommunications company in Afghanistan. My impressive editor said to me, “I don’t know how you do it. I can barely function for 4 hours a day. You seem to run at 16.”

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A mindset shift to the concept of work-life integration (WLI) is helping me navigate working, writing and keeping fit. Embracing the paradigm of harmonising work and life is critical in modern times where telecommuting, popularised by the COVID-19 pandemic, blurs the line between the two.

Seeking work-life integration is not something that should be viewed as a luxury or something to feel guilty about. It’s a necessary component of our overall physical health, mental health, productivity, and engagement.”

— Michelle Marquez (culled from https://www.atlassian.com/blog/productivity/work-life-integration)

Does work-life integration intrigue you, but you don’t know how to make the shift? If yes, see how these five things I do can help you explore the concept.

1) See the big picture beyond “work and life.” David J. McNeff suggests focusing on professional, family, personal, physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual.

2) Know what you want out of work-life integration. For me, WLI gives me more time for my writing.

3) Ditch the guilt trap. Don’t feel guilty for coming to work late or leaving early as long as you are effective. Caveat: ensure you agree on this with your line manager.

4) Find the best times for your tasks. The best time for me to write is in the morning before work, sometimes. Think “best time vs set time.”

5) Multitask intelligently. Don’t multitask with work that requires high mental focus. I cannot do this newsletter while review my business plan presentation. But, I can listen to a writing course while cycling.

Do not expect overnight results. Making the shift will be an experiment. Review your results, revise your approach and revisit your goals until you find your sweet spot. Finding it will ensure you achieve more at work and enjoy more out of life.

“Work-life integration is, at its best, a way to help individuals both improve their well-being and enhance their performance at work.” — Stephanie Harrison

Order your paperback copy of my book from the link below to see how I applied work-life integration practices in my 25 years career.

Joy Has Come Home: Six Life Lessons That Will Help You Succeed in Business and Life

Book recommendations

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Here are two book recommendations on practices, pros and cons about work-life integration:

a) The Work-Life Balance Myth: Rethinking Your Optimal Balance for Success by David J. McNeff

b) Leading The Life You Want: Skills for Integrating Work and Life by Stewart D. Friedman

Citations

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Here are three quotes to help you find harmony between your professional life and personal life.

“We need to do a better job of putting ourselves higher on our own to-do list.” —  Michelle Obama

“Give whatever you are doing and whoever you are with the gift of your attention.” —  Jim Rohn

“We think, mistakenly, that success is the result of the amount of time we put in at work, instead of the quality of time we put in.” —  Arianna Huffington