Andrew Moore's Blog, page 22

Fantasy Dangers

Watch out, fellas! "Wizened" might not mean what you think it does! Don't use it as a compliment! If you did know, that's just rude, but you may have been justified in saying it. I won't pretend to know the circumstances.

The Awful Potence of Humors

No matter how many times the mage-captain looked over the interior, it was undoubtedly a restaurant. Tables and chairs in front, an immaculate kitchen in the back, an office to the side, and everything just as laid out in the memoirs of a successful owner.
"That's wonderful, Mr. Karsask. I'm completely satisfied that you have reformed. To think the last time I came here, it was a lair of foul necromancy."
"Oh, I could never live in a place like that now, sir. I must have been suffering from insanity back then. But to make sure, you had better check the dishes." Karsask snapped his fingers and forthwith the staff brought out a modest three courses for inspection.
"I suppose I should . . ."
Karsask watched the mage-captain eat from over the man's shoulder. It wouldn't do for the inspector to see the terrible smile of the inventive sorcerer. He had abandoned blood magic, it was true, but only because he had discovered a new power, easier to replenish: Bile magic. Already the mage-captain's insides were producing energy being gathered by arcane contraptions below. Had he only realized, he might have said something about it to his superiors in passing, and though there was no law against bile magic, they would blab about it, and then competitors would start up, and what a hassle and squandered opportunity the whole thing would be.
Finis

Animal Comparisons

When you think about it, humans are mice to giants' rats. But then what are hobbits? More littler mice? Meeces? We have to figure out who the good guys are by Redwall rules.

Weapon Parity

Want to add dignity and fame to the humble spear? Start spelling it "spwear." Now people will have to dwell on it, really think about it.

Tip for Getting Story Ideas

Keep a notebook by your bed so that when you dream, you can drool onto the notebook and then turn the marks into a monster for your next story. Or an alien who doesn't know what love is, genre depending.

Addender

On a related note, wizards are always getting hacked because they think they're smart, whereas clerics know they aren't and keep to divine security procedures.

Addendum

Elementally speaking, the magic internet would probably be fire and air, and while you might think it's strife, it's definitely love.

Important Fantasy Worldbuilding Considerations

If we go with an arcane/divine distinction, and please remember that there isn't much reason to do so unless we're writing Dungeons and Dragons fanfiction, and if also we decide our fantasy setting can go ahead and have a magical internet, a defensible decision, I bet the clerics would have it, or if they both do, theirs would be better. Wizards would keep sending each other faxes.

The Road to Stellar Damascus

"Sir, we landed on the planet for the initial exploration."
"Then why are you here?"
"We saw a man, sir. A human. He told us this. 'Every sun is a god. Worship ours and you will be permitted to live on the surface. To abstain and remain in your generational colony ship, that is permitted as well.'"
"What's this you're telling me?"
"The others will tell you the same, sir. I attempted to initiate diplomacy, but I fell asleep. I woke up on the flight back."
"Absurd."
The captain personally led the second expedition and came back the first priest, and as for the colonists, they learned there was more to space than they dreamed.
Finis

Addendum

I'm not volunteering to murder anyone or to be murdered, but I will contribute by saying, "Gee, I hope they get the guy that did it" when I hear about it. I'll make sure to say "gee," which I generally do not.