Timothy Ferriss's Blog, page 36

Sheila Heen of the Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge (#532)

Illustration via 99designs

“The first negotiation is really a negotiation with yourself to move from being focused on what I’m right about and you’re wrong about to getting curious about why we see this so differently.”
— Sheila Heen

Sheila Heen is a New York Times best-selling author, founder of Triad Consulting Group, and a deputy director of the Harvard Negotiation Project at Harvard Law School, where she has been a member of the faculty for 25 years. Sheila specializes in particularly difficult negotiations, where emotions run high and relationships become strained. She often works with executive teams, helping them to resolve conflict, repair professional relationships, and make sound decisions together. In the public sector, she has provided training for the New England Organ Bank, the Singapore Supreme Court, the Obama White House, and theologians struggling with disagreement over the nature of truth and God.

Sheila is co-author of the New York Times bestsellers Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most and Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well (even when it’s off base, unfair, poorly delivered, and, frankly, you’re not in the mood). She has written for the Harvard Business Review and the New York Times—as a guest expert and contributor to the “Modern Love” column—and she has appeared on NPR, Fox News, CNBC’s Power Lunch, and shows as diverse as Oprah and The G. Gordon Liddy Show. She has spoken at the Global Leadership Summit, the Nordic Business Forum, the Smithsonian, Apple, Google, and Microsoft. Sheila is a graduate of Occidental College and Harvard Law School. She is schooled in negotiation daily by her three children.

Please enjoy!

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Overcast, Podcast Addict, Pocket Casts, Stitcher, Castbox, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Brought to you by LinkedIn Jobs recruitment platform with 750M users, Eight Sleep’s Pod Pro Cover sleeping solution for dynamic cooling and heating, and Public Goods high-quality everyday essentials. More on all three below.

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What was your favorite quote or lesson from this episode? Please let me know in the comments.

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Want to hear another episode with someone who understands the value of resisting the victim mindset? Listen to my conversation with Jim Dethmer, in which we discuss coping with stressful and disturbing thoughts, avoiding drama-based conflict in close relationships, becoming emotionally literate, accepting radical responsibility, cocommitment over codependence, and much more.

#434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and Morehttps://rss.art19.com/episodes/69f8a609-c098-40d9-bc09-e8ae89361f1f.mp3 DownloadSELECTED LINKS FROM THE EPISODEConnect with Sheila Heen:

Triad Consulting Group Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen | Amazon Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen | Amazon Harvard Memorial Church | Harvard University Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In by Roger Fisher, William L. Ury, and Bruce Patton | Amazon Occidental College Harvard Negotiation Project | Harvard Law School Dysregulation: Definition, Symptoms, Traits, Causes, Treatment | Verywell Mind The 6 Things That Predict Divorce | The Gottman Institute Anne Lamott on Taming Your Inner Critic, Finding Grace, and Prayer | The Tim Ferriss Show #522 Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement (BATNA) | Investopedia Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations by William Ury | Amazon Ladder of Inference | Wikipedia Moving from Blame to Joint Contribution | Global Leadership Network 11 Expert Tips to Stop Being a People Pleaser (with Science) | Science of People Study Shows Evidence of Severe and Lingering Symptoms in Some after Treatment for Lyme Disease | Johns Hopkins Medicine Imago Relationships What is Internal Family Systems? | IFS Institute The And Stance: How and Why | Likability Matters, Coursera What is “Parts” Therapy? Internal Family Systems Explained | Integrative Psychotherapy Mental Health Blog Richard Schwartz — IFS, Psychedelic Experiences without Drugs, and Finding Inner Peace for Our Many Parts | The Tim Ferriss Show #492 Sheila Heen: How to Use Others’ Feedback to Learn and Grow | TEDx Talks Sheila Heen: Blame Absorbing vs. Blame Shifting | Thought Capital Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More | The Tim Ferriss Show #434 Karpman Drama Triangle | Wikipedia The Conscious Leadership Group Rashomon (English Subtitled) | Prime Video Shattered Glass | Prime Video Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope | Prime VideoSHOW NOTESWho was Roger Fisher? [06:35]How did Sheila enter the scene with respect to negotiation and conflict resolution, and what did she love about it? [09:13]Sheila shares the story about the time she went to renew her passport in Los Angeles and how it informed her contribution to Difficult Conversations. [11:28]What are the three categories of difficult conversations, and what is the underlying structure they have in common? [16:13]How understanding the underlying structure of these three conversations helps you find your way if one doesn’t go as planned. [25:36]How can we convey genuine curiosity in these conversations without unintentionally coming off as condescending? What if this isn’t the first time this conversation has happened and it’s getting heated? [28:25]Sometimes the person with whom you’re conversing is just seeing things from a vastly different perspective. Sheila shares a personal story. [38:13]When a disconnect like this seems evident, how can each party come to a better understanding of where the other is coming from? [41:45]What is a statement against interest, and how can it be used? [46:28]A good apology versus a bad apology: what’s the difference? [48:37]Rewriting the scripts for bad apologies — particularly when each party has very different ideas about conflict resolution and resilience. [58:00]What does it mean to “give voice to the parts?” [1:15:39]What are first, second, and third position skills, and what does it mean to step into the third position? [1:16:51]The importance of setting expectations about — and learning over time — how the people in your life behave (this includes you). [1:21:22]What would Sheila’s best self say to her business partner and co-author in the midst of collaborating on a book’s third edition after a flare-up? [1:22:35]In personal and professional relationships, we often have feedback for the other about how we think they need to change. But what if we present obstacles as shared problems? [1:28:09]Blame-absorbers versus blame-shifters. [1:30:05]Heroes, villains, and victims. [1:34:21]Parting thoughts. [1:43:08]Additional post-game thoughts from Sheila about the question that plays like background music to many difficult conversations, how to avoid making every difficult conversation a spring cleaning when your relationship simply needs some light spot-dusting, and a 60-day experiment. [1:46:27]MORE SHEILA HEEN QUOTES FROM THE INTERVIEW

“Some people have trouble with some conversations, and the same conversation is easy for someone else. And it’s partly because of whatever the story is that you tell about yourself and who you are trying to be.”
— Sheila Heen

“The first negotiation is really a negotiation with yourself to move from being focused on what I’m right about and you’re wrong about to getting curious about why we see this so differently.”
— Sheila Heen

“Part of what I’m listening for in a difficult conversation is I’m just trying to understand what do you see and how do you interpret it? We each have implicit rules about how the world is supposed to work. Do we have different implicit rules here? Then it helps me to put those puzzle pieces on the table and try to fit them together, understanding that some of them just won’t fit. And that’s okay.”
— Sheila Heen

“It’s not just that we have difficult conversations in our most important relationships; those conversations are the relationship. That if we find a way to have them productively or constructively, then the relationship will thrive, whether it’s a personal or professional relationship, and/or is where we start to disengage because you just don’t get it and you won’t listen, and the relationship starts to fray.”
— Sheila Heen

“‘What am I missing?” is actually a great question, partly because they’re going to be so thrilled to be able to tell you. They’re going to take that invitation, but genuinely they can see things that you can’t.”
— Sheila Heen

PEOPLE MENTIONEDRoger Fisher Bruce Patton Douglas Stone John Gottman Anne Lamott John Richardson Donald Schön Chris Argyris Matt Mullenweg Harville Hendrix Helen LaKelly Hunt Stacy Heen Lennon Richard C. Schwartz Jim Dethmer Akira Kurosawa Stephen Glass

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Published on September 09, 2021 12:33

Henry Shukman — Zen, Tools for Awakening, Ayahuasca vs. Meditation, Intro to Koans, and Using Wounds as the Doorway (#531)

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“There’s something about deep wounding that can be a pathway to deep, deep love. It’s a very beautiful thing when the wound becomes the doorway.”
— Henry Shukman

Henry Shukman (@mountaincloudzencenter) teaches mindfulness and awakening practices to a wide range of students from all traditions and walks of life. Henry is an appointed teacher in the Sanbo Zen lineage and is the Guiding Teacher of Mountain Cloud Zen Center. He has an MA from Cambridge and an MLitt from St Andrews and has written several award-winning books of poetry and fiction.

Henry’s essays have been published in The New York Times, Outside, and Tricycle, and his poems have been published in The New Republic, The Guardian, The Sunday Times (UK), and London Review of Books. He has taught meditation at Google, Harvard Business School, UBS, Esalen Institute, Colorado College, United World College, and many other venues. He has written of his own journey in his memoir One Blade of Grass: Finding the Old Road of the Heart, a Zen Memoir.

Henry has also recently created a new meditation program, Original Love, which aims to provide a broad, inclusive path of growth through meditation.

Please enjoy!

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Overcast, Podcast Addict, Pocket Casts, Stitcher, Castbox, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Brought to you by Allform premium, modular furniture; Pique Tea premium tea crystals (pu’er, etc.); and You Need A Budget cult favorite budgeting app. More on all three below.

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What was your favorite quote or lesson from this episode? Please let me know in the comments.

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Want to hear another episode with someone who relies on Zen to get things done? Have a listen to my conversation with Zen Habits’ Leo Babauta in which we discuss uncertainty training, embracing the suck, habit breaking and forming, standing out from the competition in a crowded arena, unschooling, and much more.

#488: Leo Babauta on Zen Habits, Antifragility, Contentment, and Unschoolinghttps://rss.art19.com/episodes/c62bd9af-f4f6-4bb9-8022-754a79ef46df.mp3 DownloadSELECTED LINKS FROM THE EPISODEConnect with Henry Shukman:

Mountain Cloud Zen Center | LinkedIn | Facebook | Instagram

A New Approach to the Ancient Path of Awakening | Original Love One Blade of Grass: Finding the Old Road of the Heart, a Zen Memoir by Henry Shukman | Amazon Other Books by Henry Shukman | Amazon Atopic Dermatitis (Eczema) Symptoms and Causes | Mayo Clinic The Cold War | MI5 The Official Secrets Acts and Official Secrecy | House of Commons Library Transcendental Meditation Beatles in India: 1968 Visit to Maharishi Mahesh Yogi’s Ashram | Rolling Stone Waking Up with Sam Harris App Dhyāna in Buddhism | Wikipedia Jhana Meditation | The Contemplative Life Kundalini Awakening: What It Is + 15 Signs You’re Having One | Mindbodygreen What Is Somatic Therapy? | Verywell Mind Keiretsu | Investopedia Why I Wrote a Book about Why I Stopped Writing Books, Part 1 of 2 by Henry Shukman | Mountain Cloud Zen Center Why I Wrote a Book about Why I Stopped Writing Books, Part 2 of 2 by Henry Shukman | Mountain Cloud Zen Center Tramp Stamps Are Making a Comeback | Vice J.D. Salinger and a Zen Koan by Henry Shukman | Tricycle: The Buddhist Review An Insight Meditation Center | Spirit Rock What Is Zen Buddhism and How Do You Practice It? | Lion’s Roar Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within by Natalie Goldberg | Amazon Becoming the Mountains and Rivers | Lion’s Roar Zazen Meditation: Benefits, Practice, and More | Healthline Nonduality: Defining the Undefinable | Deconstructing Yourself What Is A Zen Koan? History And Interpretation Of Koans | Being Zen How to Practice Zen Koans | Lion’s Roar 15 of the Deepest Zen Koans | Wisdom Pills The Buddha’s Four Foundations of Mindfulness | Lion’s Roar Message from Henry: Mu Ichi Motsu | Mountain Cloud Zen Center Samadhi: How to Attain It, Stages, and More | Mindbodygreen Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan | Prime Video What is Dokusan? | Lion’s Roar What an Ayahuasca Retreat Showed Me about My Life | Vox Dennis McKenna — The Depths of Ayahuasca: 500+ Sessions, Fundamentals, Advanced Topics, Science, Churches, Learnings, Warnings, and Beyond | The Tim Ferriss Show #523 Kenshō | Wikipedia Psychedelic-Assisted Therapy (Resources) | Tim Ferriss Biocentrism: How Life and Consciousness are the Keys to Understanding the True Nature of the Universe by Robert Lanza and Bob Berman | Amazon About Holotropic Breathwork | Grof Transpersonal Training Vipassana Meditation | Dhamma.org The Random Show — Life-Extension Misadventures, Blockchain/Crypto Investing, NFT Experiments, Dogecoin, Zen Buddhism, and Weathering Sharp Elbows | The Tim Ferriss Show #527 Immersive Art Experiences | Meow WolfSHOW NOTESWhy did Henry once identify with Typhon, the mythological beast who lived under the volcano Etna, and how did this lead to his first foray into meditation? [06:13]How examining the deep wound that results from childhood trauma has the potential to become a doorway to deep love (and what so often stops this from occurring). [09:51]What was Henry’s introduction into the world of meditation? [15:19]What does Henry mean by the term “awakening?” [16:40]Is awakening a repeatable phenomenon, or is it something that only needs to occur once? Henry conveys how Zen master Yamada Koun described it, and shares his own first experience. [20:02]Was Henry under the influence of any substances when this happened? In retrospect, what does he think brought it on? [32:12]Was Henry later able to replicate this state of awakening at will, or control it in any way? [36:17]How experimenting with jhana meditation brought Henry to a state similar to what he’d experienced the very first time, and why he thinks this may have happened. [38:10]What happened during the year following that first experience? [40:33]In Henry’s experience, how might an awakening be distinguished from what a psychiatrist with a DSM desk reference might categorize as a psychotic episode? [43:41]Why the modern Western embrace of Eastern spirituality isn’t without its hazards. [46:36]Why awakening doesn’t require us to become hermits and live away from the world, and what Henry learned while roaming the countryside as a teen being mentored by an “old school tramp.” [49:38]What is Zen and how did Henry find it? [54:16]How long was Henry’s first Zazen meditation, and why does he think it moved him so powerfully? [1:01:25]What is a koan? You’re probably familiar with at least one (even if you don’t know how to answer it). [1:02:46]What is nonduality, how do koans guide us toward it, and is the increasing awareness of awakening in the Western world akin to transcending the geocentric worldview that prevailed before Galileo and Copernicus? [1:05:14]Has Henry found it common for Zen practice newcomers to experience a nondual awakening early on? While a psychedelic compound is almost guaranteed to give someone at least a glimpse of this state, how might someone be prompted toward an awakening without it? Additionally, why does Henry consider the term “non-ordinary consciousness” — when applied to an awakened mind — a misnomer? [1:07:59]How awakening can be a “marvelous kind of loss.” [1:15:48]What is Henry’s new program, Original Love, all about? [1:17:59]What does “Mu ichi motsu; muju zo” mean, and can “Koan” be roughly translated as “Over the precipice of nonsense?” [1:20:31]Under what circumstances did Henry make the decision to consume ayahuasca for the first time, and how similar/dissimilar was his experience to koan-induced awakening? How did a later ayahuasca outing under much different circumstances compare? [1:28:24]We ponder how a psychedelic experience might differ from an awakening on a neurochemical level, how each can be useful for exploring different facets of what we perceive as “reality,” and where caution should be exercised. [1:38:46]Has Henry ever witnessed someone having a bad experience through Zen that required special aftercare? [1:43:38]How Zen can be a rewarding journey even without a destination. [1:44:42]Revisiting Original Love: it’s a program, a course, and an upcoming book. [1:46:36]Parting thoughts. [1:47:54]MORE GUEST QUOTES FROM THE INTERVIEW

“There’s something about deep wounding that can be a pathway to deep, deep love. It’s a very beautiful thing when the wound becomes the doorway. I think there’s always that potential with a wound, but so much of the time we tend to accrete protection over a wound and sort of stay away from a wound and avoid it and live as if it weren’t there.”
— Henry Shukman

“There’s another dimension, another aspect, another face of our experience of this very moment in which we are totally part of everything.”
— Henry Shukman

“In awakening, one thing vanishes, that sense of self, and another thing appears, which is what that sense of self was occluding.”
— Henry Shukman

“All space had disappeared. There was no distance anywhere. I felt like my nose was pressing against the end of time. My nose was touching the furthest reaches of the universe because it was all just here. It was one reality without space, without time.”
— Henry Shukman

“I knew that I had found the answer, but I hadn’t even been asking a question.”
— Henry Shukman

“I felt that I had found sort of the answer to life, which I hadn’t been looking for and wasn’t interested in. But now it was like I knew I could die and my life had been fulfilled.”
— Henry Shukman

[On his first experience with Zazen meditation] “It’s not like I had some marvelous enlightenment experience right then, but I did have a sense in that first sit that this was a way of contacting life.”
— Henry Shukman

“The first thing to say about koans is they are not riddles to be solved, and our mind wants to make them that.”
— Henry Shukman

“I suppose I still am a bit of a troubled soul, but I’m a happy one.”
— Henry Shukman

“It’s not like it’s ‘Awakening or bust.’ That’s a wrong mindset.”
— Henry Shukman

“In any level of any zone of practice, love is usually the thing, somehow or other, that triggers the transformation that opens up things.”
— Henry Shukman

“It’s like love to find that we’re part of everything. It’s like love to find that this nothing—no thing—is producing everything, generating everything, infinite generosity. That’s like love.”
— Henry Shukman

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Overcast, Podcast Addict, Pocket Casts, Stitcher, Castbox, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

PEOPLE MENTIONEDKevin Rose Typhon Harold Shukman Ann Shukman David Shukman James Bond Maharishi Mahesh Yogi Sam Harris Yamada Koun Sigmund Freud Ryoun Yamada Roshi Wu Weiye Du Fu Li Po Jack Kerouac Allen Ginsberg Gary Snyder J.D. Salinger Jerry Seinfeld Hugh Jackman Paramahansa Yogananda Steve Jobs D.H. Lawrence Natalie Goldberg Eihei Dogen Galileo Galilei Nicolaus Copernicus Layman Pang Borat Sagdiyev Ruben Habito Roshi Dennis McKenna

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Published on September 08, 2021 06:27

Sir James Dyson — Founder of Dyson and Master Inventor on How to Turn the Mundane into Magic (#530)

Illustration via 99designs

“There’s nothing wrong in always being dissatisfied; always look for improvement.”
— Sir James Dyson

Sir James Dyson is the founder and chairman of Dyson. Through investment in science and technology and working alongside Dyson’s 6,000 engineers and scientists, he develops products that solve problems ignored by others. Sir James was elected a Fellow of the Royal Society in 2015 and appointed to the Order of Merit in the 2016 New Year Honours. He was awarded a CBE in 1996 and a Knight Bachelor in 2007.

James is the founder of James Dyson Foundation, inspiring the next generation of engineers through scholarships, engineering workshops, university partnerships, and the annual James Dyson Award, an international student design competition. In 2017 James established The Dyson Institute of Engineering and Technology, where undergraduate engineers pay zero tuition and earn a full salary while completing their degree studies and working on real-life projects alongside world-experts in Dyson’s global engineering, research, and technology teams.

James is the author of the new book Invention: A Life, the story of how he came to be an inventor himself and built Dyson, leading it to become one of the most inventive technology companies in the world.

Please enjoy!

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Overcast, Podcast Addict, Pocket Casts, Stitcher, Castbox, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Brought to you by BlockFi crypto platform, Athletic Greens all-in-one nutritional supplement, and Theragun percussive muscle therapy devices. More on all three below.

Listen onApple Podcasts [image error]Listen onSpotify [image error]Listen onOvercast#530: Sir James Dyson — Founder of Dyson and Master Inventor on How to Turn the Mundane into Magichttps://rss.art19.com/episodes/f42248b4-a289-4893-89a8-a0872c8c17db.mp3 Download

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What was your favorite quote or lesson from this episode? Please let me know in the comments.

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Want to hear an episode with another inventive tinkerer? Lend an ear to my conversation with chef Chris Young, in which we discuss the symptoms of maxing out the learning curve, reverse engineering, OCD superpowers, getting hired by hard-to-reach people, why the most interesting jobs are the ones you make up, Victorian exercise regimens, killer vegetables, how geniuses show disappointment and prompt correction, apocalyptic-scale BBQs, and much more.

#173: Lessons from Geniuses, Billionaires, and Tinkerershttps://rss.art19.com/episodes/39ee5814-e848-4b6b-84c3-61a74f7ff099.mp3 DownloadSELECTED LINKS FROM THE EPISODE Invention: A Life by James Dyson | Amazon Dyson The James Dyson Foundation The Dyson Institute of Engineering and Technology Dyson V11 Animal Cordless Vacuum Cleaner | Amazon The Fry Family, Chocolate Makers | Quakers in the World What Is a Geodesic Dome? | R. Buckminster Fuller Collection Royal College of Art James Dyson on His Vacuum Failure and Success | New York Magazine Ballbarrow | Inside Dyson Cyclonic Separation | Wikipedia The Past Porton Down Can’t Hide | The Guardian Breaking the Pain Barrier | Psychology Today Rotork’s Famous Sons | Financial Times Sea Truck | Wikipedia Razor-Razorblade Model | Investopedia The Sunk Cost Fallacy | The Decision Lab My Customers Would Have Asked For a Faster Horse | Quote Investigator From Walkman to iPod: What Music Tech Teaches Us About Innovation | The Atlantic Citroën Hydropneumatic Suspension Explained | Autoevolution The 25th Anniversary of the Lithium-Ion Battery | Kyria The Wonder Jet – Story Behind the Whittle Engine | AIRBOYD Airblade Hand Dryers | Dyson Dyson CR01 Washing Machine TV Ad | 2DrumsAllergy Inside Dyson’s $700 Million Quest to Design an Electric Car | Fast Company Volkswagen Wraps Multiyear Investigation into Dieselgate | The Verge Tesla Made More Money Selling Credits and Bitcoin Than Cars | Autoweek Moulton Bicycle Company Mini Lotus Cars Clearing | Investopedia Sir James Dyson Opens Invention Powerhouse at the University of Cambridge | University of CambridgeSHOW NOTES

Note from the editor: Timestamps will be added shortly.

Who was Jeremy Fry?What did James study at university?What does it mean to think like an engineer?Were enthusiasm, fascination, and curiosity qualities that were fostered by anyone in James’ orbit as a youth, or did they come gradually through experiences along the way?How might James suggest parents encourage these qualities in their children?What’s the origin story of the original Dyson vacuum?How many tries did it take to get a prototype that worked as intended, and what did the process of financing and development look like?Why invention is not about being brilliant — it’s about being logical and persistent.What compelled James to persist for as long as it took to create the first ideal prototype? How long would it have taken for him to throw his hands up and admit defeat if that prototype had never materialized?Was developing the first prototype James’ full-time occupation at the time? Did he have a plan B if things didn’t work out?Once the desired prototype appeared, why was the vacuum industry initially resistant to its innovations?When did James finally get a foothold on the commercialization of his now-famous vacuum?Encouraging feedback reinforcing James’ belief in this new product must have been overwhelming by this point, right?How did James’ wife handle the uncertainty of prototype development and commercialization?Even though surveys suggested that customers wouldn’t want to see the dirt and dust sucked up by the Dyson vacuum, James decided to make the cleaner’s bins see-through anyway. Why?How expensive were the first Dyson vacuums compared to their contemporary competition? How hard was it to get retailers to carry them, and why did the customer demographic run counter to expectations for a “premium” brand?Rather than designing to a price, what does James aim to achieve with his inventions?Who is Akio Morita, and what does James appreciate about him?Other inventors, designers, or engineers who stood out for James when he was developing his chops.What led to the development of the Dyson Airblade?On the Airblade being the first product Dyson targeted for an industrial rather than consumer audience, why this made James uncomfortable, and what its major selling points were.Why, in spite of being fantastically efficient, James has to consider the Dyson washing machine a favorite failure.Why the Dyson N526 electric car was canceled, and features James hopes to see carried over into future projects.Dyson is a privately held company. What makes James uncomfortable about going public or accepting investment funding?What prompted James to write Invention: A Life and start the Dyson Institute of Engineering and Technology?On experience as baggage that can get in the way, applying cross-disciplinary curiosity to solve problems in unique ways, and the power of asking naive questions.What would James’ billboard say?Parting thoughts.MORE GUEST QUOTES FROM THE INTERVIEW

“Experience is a baggage that can get in the way.”
— James Dyson

“Drop your fear of failure; don’t be afraid of failure.”
— James Dyson

“Invention is not about being brilliant; it’s about being logical and persistent.”
— James Dyson

“I did want to call my book A Life of Failure because failure’s exciting and you learn from failure. If you’re taught something and then what you do works, you haven’t really learned anything. You haven’t learned what doesn’t work, which is usually more interesting.”
— James Dyson

“The best questions are naive questions.”
— James Dyson

“Whenever I look at anything, I wonder how it works, and then I wonder how it could work better. Could I make it work better? Is there a technology I could use? Is there a way I can reconfigure it? Is there a radical breakthrough I could do for lateral thinking that would make a huge difference?”
— James Dyson

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Overcast, Stitcher, Castbox, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

PEOPLE MENTIONEDJeremy Fry R. Buckminster Fuller Joan Littlewood Alec Dyson Deirdre Dyson Henry Ford Akio Morita Soichiro Honda Frank Whittle Alex Moulton Alec Issigonis

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Published on September 02, 2021 06:15

Machiavelli for Women: 7 Power Strategies for the Workplace

The following is an excerpt from the new book, Machiavelli for Women: Defend Your Worth, Grow Your Ambition, and Win the Workplace. The author, Stacey Vanek Smith (@svaneksmith), is a longtime public radio reporter and host. She currently hosts NPR’s The Indicator from Planet Money, a daily podcast covering business and economics. She has also served as a correspondent and host for NPR’s Planet Money and Marketplace. Stacey is a native of Idaho and a graduate of Princeton University, where she earned a BA in comparative literature and creative writing. She also holds an MS in journalism from Columbia University.

Enter Stacey…

Niccolò Machiavelli. Today, he is probably best known as a ruthless power monger, devoid of ethics and compassion. The phrase most often associated with him, “The ends justify the means” (which Machiavelli never actually wrote but probably would have heartily agreed with), has turned him into an apologist for sociopaths, tyrants, and megalomaniacs the world over.

I think this is a gross misunderstanding of both the man and his work. The Prince does not condone random cruelty or tyranny or violence. It is a remarkably sober look at how people take power and how they can best hold on to it and grow it. Machiavelli was an incredibly clear-eyed original thinker who might just be history’s first true champion of real talk. For that reason, there could be no better guide for the workplace.

In the five hundred years since Machiavelli wrote The Prince, a lot of things have changed: We have electricity, the combustion engine, computers, and antibiotics. We’ve even split the atom. People, though, haven’t changed one bit. And for that reason, Machiavelli’s advice about navigating the workplace has proven to be quite timeless.

Machiavelli’s strategies are powerful tools in the modern workplace, especially for women, people of color, and other often-marginalized workers. Here are 7 of my favorite Machiavellian power tips.

#1 — Always Get the Truth, Even If It Hurts

Part of seeing a situation clearly is having people you trust who can offer their outside observations. They can help you see what you don’t want to (or can’t) see. This means helping you assess different situations and colleagues and also giving you feedback. Machiavelli was big on feedback. “A Prince,” he writes, “ought always to take counsel” (Chapter XXIII). Machiavelli saw honest feedback as the primary way a prince could protect himself against flatterers and yes-men. (Machiavelli was death on flatterers and yes-men) “There is no other way of guarding oneself from flatterers except letting men understand that to tell you the truth does not offend you” (Chapter XXIII). Feedback feels like risky exposure, but Machiavelli saw it as powerful protection for a prince and a way to get necessary information. The ability to hear the truth—or the “truth” of people’s impressions and opinions—will make you stronger and smarter and help you succeed. Machiavelli was careful to say that you should not open yourself up in this way to just anybody. Ask the people who are key to enabling you to move up within a company; ask people you respect; ask the people you trust.

#2 — Cultivate Your Network

Having people you trust and people who can help you in the workplace is crucial (in life, too!). Building a network of people at work or in your profession is absolutely essential to building a career. You should have a mix of people: people who are high up in the company, people who are colleagues, and those who are more junior—also people at other companies who can make you aware of opportunities that come up outside of your bubble. Machiavelli preached the importance of a network hard. The smart prince, he writes, “is defended by being well armed and having good allies” (Chapter XIX). Having a strong network is essential to rising in any profession. Wall Street CEO Sallie Krawcheck says she always remembers advice she got from her friend Carla Harris (a senior banker at Morgan Stanley): “All the important decisions about your career are made when you’re not in the room. People decide to hire you, fire you, promote you, fund you, send you on the overseas assignment, all when you’re not there. So how do you ensure that you have someone in the room fighting for you? I would strongly argue that you need to have in place your Personal Board of Directors. Those are your mentors, your sponsors, your confidantes.”

#3 — Stand Up for the Less Powerful

This might sound like the antithesis of Machiavelli. After all, shouldn’t you suck up to powerful people and mercilessly crush those who have less power? I mean, NO OF COURSE YOU SHOULD NOT DO THAT! But, also, Machiavelli advised against it.

One of Machiavelli’s main pieces of advice in a situation where you don’t have a lot of power is to stick up for other people who also don’t have much power. “The prince,” he writes, “ought to make himself the head and defender of his less powerful neighbors, and to weaken the more powerful amongst them.” The reason? Not only are you weakening the powers that be and creating a potential opening for yourself, but also the people you speak up for will be loyal to you and will fight for you and your ideas in the future. As Machiavelli puts it, “By arming them, those arms become yours” (Chapter XX).

In fact, Machiavelli advises against speaking up on behalf of people who have more power than you. Don’t jump in if the boss gets interrupted by the intern in a meeting. The benefits of smacking down the intern are minimal, and you risk being seen as a suck-up and a bully. Also, your soul would probably die a little, and that’s never good.

#4 — If It Comes Down to Being Liked or Respected… Choose Respect

This is a situation that happens to women at work a lot. Often, women in the workplace end up in a double bind: caught between qualities people associate with a “good woman” (being modest, compassionate, putting others first, soft-spoken, nurturing) and the qualities people associate with a good leader (being independent, firm, outspoken, assertive, not caring too much what people think).

Machiavelli addresses this particular bind many times in The Prince. As it turns out, the prince is in a similar situation: it’s crucial that he be loved by his people, but the prince also needs people to fear his wrath, follow his laws, and, of course, pay his taxes. “Here comes in the question whether it is better to be loved rather than feared, or feared rather than loved. . . . We should wish to be both; but . . . if we must choose between them, it is far safer to be feared than loved” (Chapter XVII).

Still, this approach comes with real consequences, especially for women. Where harsh or domineering men might be respected or tolerated in leadership positions, people often react very differently to an assertive or domineering woman. But sometimes getting the job done correctly involves being blunt, direct, and assertive. It might not be easy, and you will likely get pushback, but do it.

#5 — Watch Your Back

I can’t talk about Machiavelli without addressing some of the advice he gives about guarding yourself against nemeses. Machiavelli wrote a LOT about nemeses in The Prince. He thought the ability to spot troublemakers and toxic people was crucial for a prince: “The ruler is not truly wise who cannot discern evils before they develop themselves, and this is a faculty given to few” (Chapter XIII). Truly, it is not always easy to spot a troublemaker or a toxic person. But Machiavelli does point out a couple of things to watch for.

Beware the flatterer: Machiavelli saw flatterers as very dangerous to a prince. He even has an entire chapter in The Prince titled, “How Flatterers Should Be Avoided” (Chapter XXIII). This is not to say that if somebody compliments your work, you should respond with grave suspicion. But flattery can often be used to manipulate people, so make sure that’s not happening to you.

Beware the Debbie Downer: If someone you work with is extremely negative, it’s probably a good idea to keep your distance and to be careful what you say to them. “As soon as you have opened your mind to a malcontent,” Machiavelli warns, “you have given him the material with which . . . he can look for every advantage” (Chapter XIX).

#6 — Avoiding Risk Is Risky — When in Doubt, Take Action

Asking for a raise or a promotion or applying for a new job or launching a new project requires enormous risk and vulnerability. Wanting to avoid that risk and the possibility of rejection is a big reason people (especially, statistically, women) shy away from negotiating or asking for more. But avoiding risk and waiting for “the perfect moment” is not a safe choice.

Machiavelli’s advice: when in doubt, take action. This advice probably came from his own frustration with the Florentine council’s constant waffling (they were his bosses). They never wanted to choose sides in the countless skirmishes and battles going on around them. It was, in fact, partially due to that very waffling that Florence lost its republican government and ended up back in the hands of a despot.

“I know that many say a policy of neutrality is the safest option,” he wrote in a letter to a friend. “I believe to the contrary that neutrality is an exceedingly dangerous path.” And for a prince, Machiavelli declares that waffling will lead “in most instances to their destruction” (Chapter XXI).

#7 — Embrace the Struggles that Arise; They Are Setting You Up for Success

The professional world can be incredibly difficult and unfair, especially for women and other marginalized workers. It can involve an incredible amount of perseverance and struggle. That’s not okay or fair, but it does offer its own kind of gift. Machiavelli observed that princes who had to struggle for their kingdoms actually did better in the long run than the princes who had everything handed to them. “They who . . . acquire with difficulty . . . keep with ease” (Chapter VI).

That might sound trite or saccharine, but Machiavelli was neither of those things, and he felt so strongly about the value of overcoming difficulties in helping to shape a prince, he has a rare Zen moment in The Prince of the “Things happen for me not to me” variety. “Fortune,” he writes, “especially when she desires to make a new prince great . . . causes enemies to arise and form designs against him, in order that he may have the opportunity of overcoming them. . . . Princes become great by vanquishing difficulties and opposition” (Chapter XX).

###

Excerpted with permission from Machiavelli for Women: Defend Your Worth, Grow Your Ambition, and Win the Workplace.

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Published on September 01, 2021 11:47

Iconic Therapist Dr. Sue Johnson — How to Improve Sex and Crack the Code of Love (#529)

Illustration via 99designs

“When we’re safe and secure and we feel we matter to others and that they have our back, our potential and our resources come out.”
— Dr. Sue Johnson

Dr. Sue Johnson (@Dr_SueJohnson) is a leading innovator in the fields of couple therapy and adult attachment. She is the primary developer of Emotionally Focused Couples and Family Therapy (EFT), which has demonstrated its effectiveness in over 30 years of peer-reviewed clinical research. Sue has received numerous awards in recognition of her development of EFT, including the American Psychological Association’s “Family Psychologist of the Year” and the Order of Canada.

Her best-selling book Hold Me Tight — with more than one million copies sold—has taught countless couples how to enhance and repair their love relationships. The book has since been developed into a relationship enhancement program called Hold Me Tight Online. Her most recent book for clinicians, Attachment Theory in Practice, delineates the promise of attachment science for understanding and repairing relationships.

As the founding director of the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT), Sue trains counselors in EFT worldwide and provides guidance to 80 affiliated centers. She consults for the US and Canadian militaries and is a popular presenter and speaker for the general public.

Please enjoy!

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Overcast, Stitcher, Castbox, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Brought to you by Laird Superfood plant-based creamers, Headspace easy-to-use app with guided meditations, and Eight Sleep’s Pod Pro Cover sleeping solution for dynamic cooling and heating. More on all three below.

The transcript of this episode can be found here. Transcripts of all episodes can be found here.

Listen onApple Podcasts [image error]Listen onSpotify [image error]Listen onOvercast#529: Iconic Therapist Dr. Sue Johnson — How to Improve Sex and Crack the Code of Lovehttps://rss.art19.com/episodes/8fa83b33-fa88-4d1e-8a26-b47953378a17.mp3 Download

This episode is brought to you by Laird Superfood. Founded by big-wave surfer Laird Hamilton and volleyball champion Gabby Reece, Laird Superfood promises to deliver high-impact fuel to help you get through your busiest days. Laird Superfood offers a line of plant-based products designed to optimize your daily rituals from sunrise to sunset.

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What was your favorite quote or lesson from this episode? Please let me know in the comments.

SCROLL BELOW FOR LINKS AND SHOW NOTES…

Want to hear another episode with someone who seeks to help people better connect? Listen in on my last conversation with psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel, in which we discussed conducting remote therapy with couples during quarantine, coping with uncertainty, the paradoxes presented by spending more time with the family, prompts for reconnecting with old friends and colleagues, dancing versus exercise, the importance of decompressing from too much bad news, and much more.

#418: Esther Perel — Tactics for Relationships in Quarantinehttps://rss.art19.com/episodes/dfa1e990-f375-4a65-bbd4-7e84311e0d61.mp3 DownloadSELECTED LINKS FROM THE EPISODEConnect with Dr. Sue Johnson:

Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families by Dr. Sue Johnson | Amazon Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson | Amazon Hold Me Tight Online Program What is EFT? | The International Centre For Excellence In Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT)Outcomes Research | Johns Hopkins Medicine At the Heart of Health | Cardus What Is a Milonga? | Argentine Tango How to Live Like a Rock Star (or Tango Star) in Buenos Aires… | Tim Ferriss Predicting Change in Marital Satisfaction Throughout Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy | Journal of Marital and Family Therapy Hamilton Depression Rating Scale (HDRS) | UF Health Clinician-Administered PTSD Scale for DSM-5 (CAPS-5) – PTSD | National Center for PTSD Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships by Dr. Sue Johnson | Amazon Dyadic Adjustment Scale (DAS) | Fetzer Institute Beck’s Depression Inventory | ISMA Experiences in Close Relationships Scale (ESR) | Open-Source Psychometrics Project A Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research | University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign Department of Psychology Soothing the Threatened Brain: Leveraging Contact Comfort with Emotionally Focused Therapy | PloS One What is Hold Me Tight? | ICEEFT My Healing Journey After Childhood Abuse (Includes Extensive Resource List) | The Tim Ferriss Show #464 Desperado by Eagles | Amazon Attachment Parenting Basic Principles and Criticisms | Verywell Family Sleep Training Your Child: Myths and Facts Every Parent Should Know | Duke Department of Pediatrics Implementing a Student-Sustained No One Dies Alone (NODA) Program at an Academic Institution | Center to Advance Palliative Care In Pictures: Politician Mothers Take Their Babies to Work | BBC News New Zealand Speaker Cradles MP’s Baby during Parliament Debate | BBC News Stroppy | Merriam-Webster An Introduction to Rogerian (Person-Centered) Therapy | ThoughtCo.Ten Strategies for Evoking Change Talk | UIHI Mindful Somatic Psychotherapy | Hakomi Institute The Last Lion Box Set: Winston Spencer Churchill, 1874 – 1965 by Paul Reid and William Manchester | Amazon What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing by Oprah Winfrey and Bruce D. Perry | Amazon How Winston Churchill Endured the Blitz — and Taught the People of England to Do the Same | Smithsonian Magazine Winston Churchill during the First World War in Belgium | Imperial War Museums Tango | Wikipedia Tango World Record: Tim Ferriss and Alicia Monti | Live with Regis and Kelly Los Hermanos Macana | YouTube Requiem for a Niño Bien | The Tango Life The Cathedral of Tango: Review of Sunderland Club, Buenos Aires, Argentina | Trip Advisor The Swan Mating Ritual | Destination Stratford Unconscious Desire: The Affective and Motivational Aspects of Subliminal Sexual Priming | Archives of Sexual Behavior The Misunderstood Science of Sexual Desire | New York Magazine A.R.E. You There? What Is the Secret Ingredient That Makes a Relationship Thrive? | Ondina Wellness Sexuality in Older Couples: Individual and Dyadic Characteristics | Archives of Sexual BehaviorSHOW NOTESWhat peer-reviewed clinical research supports Sue’s work? [06:25]EFT has a high success rate in studies with distressed couples. How is success clinically defined for these couples? [09:33]What scales are used to assess marital satisfaction and bond, and how has this played out in research? [13:33]What is a hold me tight conversation? [19:41]Examples of how hold me tight conversations can take shape. [21:01]How a hold me tight conversation might work for someone who has a tendency to isolate (or feels isolated). [32:01]On just how common such isolation is, and how “dependency” has become such a dirty word. [40:17]Attachment parenting vs. sleep training. [44:36]What are micro-interventions from Rogerian models of therapy (aka evocative questions)? [54:18]How does Sue respond to a client who can’t really answer how they’re feeling in their body? [1:02:47]How would someone “up the ante” in the context of a hold me tight conversation, and why does it usually have the opposite of its intended effect? [1:09:41]How does Sue help someone work through anger? [1:11:35]Why Sue is fascinated by Winston Churchill, and reading she recommends for someone who wants to know more about him. [1:15:02]Tango talk. Since it famously takes two to tango, what kind of arguments do tango couples get into? [1:20:33]How would Sue advise a couple who’s very much in love but their sexual spark has faded? [1:33:44]Advice for a couple in which the woman has a more sustained sex drive than the man. [1:43:11]What brought about the development of Sue’s Hold Me Tight Online program, and what can people expect from it? [1:48:44]Parting thoughts. [1:53:17]MORE DR. SUE JOHNSON QUOTES FROM THE INTERVIEW

“Love is an ancient, wired-in survival code.” — Dr. Sue Johnson

“If you can’t find comfort in the arms of another to heal from trauma, it’s bad news.” — Dr. Sue Johnson

“What attachment science tells us is that emotional isolation is toxic for human beings. We found out that in the pandemic, but we still don’t get it.” — Dr. Sue Johnson

“Once you feel seen, accepted, and held, there’s a natural human growth process that happens.” — Dr. Sue Johnson

“The way human beings have survived through the centuries is through tuning in to others, reading their cues, collaborating, cooperating, moving close, supporting—that’s the way we’ve survived. And if you look at the problems facing our world right now, we’d better be learning from this science or we’re not going to survive. We’ve got to be able to come together.” — Dr. Sue Johnson

“Shutting down and numbing out is a fragile strategy you can’t keep up for your whole life. It shatters under any kind of pressure.” — Dr. Sue Johnson

“Parenting is a moving target. You accommodate your child, then your child changes.” — Dr. Sue Johnson

“We understand that to be emotionally alone traumatizes a child. We need to apply that to adults because in that sense, we never grow up. Attachment goes from the cradle to the grave.” — Dr. Sue Johnson

“Some of the cliches we have about love are really awful misinformation. But one of the cliches that’s really true—and this is true in most religions—is that when we’re loved, we grow and expand.” — Dr. Sue Johnson

“Attachment gives us a map to how we dance together with the people we love and where those dances go in terms of outcome. It gives us a map to our own vulnerabilities and emotions. It tells us how supremely sensitive we are to signals of rejection or abandonment by other people, and that this sensitivity is wired in.” — Dr. Sue Johnson

“We all know on some deep, visceral level how much we need others, and the strongest among us can accept that and learn how to connect.” — Dr. Sue Johnson

“Tango is about attunement, and so is love.” — Dr. Sue Johnson

“In the end, what none of us can bear is the feeling that we’re alone and that we don’t matter to another human being.” — Dr. Sue Johnson

“Passion is about feeling safe enough to be completely absorbed in the experience and let it take you over. Passion is about full engagement.” — Dr. Sue Johnson

“It’s very hard to be open and physiologically responsive when you’re afraid and guarding yourself all the time.” — Dr. Sue Johnson

PEOPLE MENTIONEDJames Coan John Bowlby Carl Rogers Winston Churchill Oprah Winfrey Bruce D. Perry Omri Gillath Rosemary Basson ‪James S. Chisholm Edward O. Laumann

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Published on August 25, 2021 07:41

Iconic Therapist Dr. Sue Johnson on How to Improve Sex, Shape Love, Face Dragons, and Find Comfort in the Arms of Another (#529)

Illustration via 99designs

“When we’re safe and secure and we feel we matter to others and that they have our back, our potential and our resources come out.”
— Dr. Sue Johnson

Dr. Sue Johnson (@Dr_SueJohnson) is a leading innovator in the fields of couple therapy and adult attachment. She is the primary developer of Emotionally Focused Couples and Family Therapy (EFT), which has demonstrated its effectiveness in over 30 years of peer-reviewed clinical research. Sue has received numerous awards in recognition of her development of EFT, including the American Psychological Association’s “Family Psychologist of the Year” and the Order of Canada.

Her best-selling book Hold Me Tight — with more than one million copies sold—has taught countless couples how to enhance and repair their love relationships. The book has since been developed into a relationship enhancement program called Hold Me Tight Online. Her most recent book for clinicians, Attachment Theory in Practice, delineates the promise of attachment science for understanding and repairing relationships.

As the founding director of the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT), Sue trains counselors in EFT worldwide and provides guidance to 80 affiliated centers. She consults for the US and Canadian militaries and is a popular presenter and speaker for the general public.

Please enjoy!

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Overcast, Stitcher, Castbox, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Brought to you by Laird Superfood plant-based creamers, Headspace easy-to-use app with guided meditations, and Eight Sleep’s Pod Pro Cover sleeping solution for dynamic cooling and heating. More on all three below.

Listen onApple Podcasts [image error]Listen onSpotify [image error]Listen onOvercast#529: Iconic Therapist Dr. Sue Johnson on How to Improve Sex, Shape Love, Face Dragons, and Find Comfort in the Arms of Anotherhttps://rss.art19.com/episodes/8fa83b33-fa88-4d1e-8a26-b47953378a17.mp3 Download