Jamie Iredell's Blog, page 7

Human, aHumans are born normal—like most mammalinfants, h...

Human, aHumans are born normal—like most mammalinfants, head first. This human grew to a normaleighteen years: knit collared shirt, chinos, deck shoestoggled to his toes. Inside, past the ruddy hair strands,and briny scalp, under the thinning layers of epidermisand fat, under the skull sewn and fused in its casements,under the pitted and wrinkled gray matter, the pituitarygland’s tumor, the pituitary gland itself, the epiphysealplate sealed, squeezed out growth hormone moleculeafter growth hormone. His headaches were trains inthe tiniest under-road New York Subways, his shoes,stretched beyond decks capable of holding them. He grewlike hands stretching out toward some god. He grew andno one wanted to see him, a Goliath to everyone’s David.He endured and today he drives a truck.

IndexAAcknowledgments / 1Action Film, The / 2After Detox ...

Index
AAcknowledgments / 1Action Film, The / 2After Detox / 4Americans / 7Armless Wonder / 8Asshole / 9Autofellate / 10_____________BBearded Lady / 12Big Legs / 13Blind / 14Blurbs / 15Boobs / 20Boys / 21Bricks, The / 23_____________CChicken Fried Steak / 24Celebrities / 26Color Blind / 27Colophon / 28Comic Dork / 29Contrarians / 30Copyright / 31Courtship / 32 _____________
DDeaf / 33Dedication / 34Dicephalic Parapagus /36Drunk Driver / 38_____________EEagle Scout / 40Ectrodactylic / 44Environmentalists / 46_____________FFantasy Novel, The / 48Flea and Snake, The / 49Football Announcers(American) / 50Football Announcers(Everywhere Else) / 52Freaks / 54Front Matter / 55Fuckers / 59_____________GGigantomastia / 60Gifts / 61Girls / 62Graphic Novel, The / 63Guitarist, The / 64_____________HHangnail, A / 65Haves, The / 66Have Nots, The / 67High Life / 69Human, A / 70_____________IIndex / 71_____________JJapanese, The / 74Jerks / 75_____________LLegless Man / 76Literary Novel, The / 77Lost, The / 78_____________MMaldivians / 79Man on a Train / 80Mexicans / 81Mothers / 83Mountain Lion / 84Mystery Story, The / 85_____________NNe’er Do Well / 86New York Citians / 87Note on the Compilers / 88_____________OO: The World: of O / 89old back, This / 90_____________PPeople Named Spencerand Their Wives / 91People Who Walk onTheir Hands, The / 93Pet Sitting / 94Playing Hands / 99Psychogenic Polydipsic / 100_____________RRomance Novel, The / 101Russians / 103 _____________   SSan Franciscans / 105Second Title Page / 107Shoe for a Head / 108Sisters / 109_____________TThick Hair / 110Tiny Head / 112Title Page / 113Town Kids / 114Tumor, The / 115_____________UUnited Arab Emiratians/ 116_____________VVampire, A / 118Very Fat / 119Vitamin D Deficiency /120_____________WWe / 121What We Call Life / 122White People / 123Wives / 124Writing on the Wall, The/ 125_____________YYerba Buenians / 126_____________ZZimbabweans / 128Ze-end / 129

JAPANESE , THEWhat the Japanese love more than anything: ...

JAPANESE , THEWhat the Japanese love more than anything: squid icecream. It started after the Great Kantō Earthquakeof 1923 leveled Tokyo, collapsing the loading bay doorsto Emiko’s ice cream, just across Shin-Ohashi Dori fromNihonbashi fish market. Fresh market squid poured out,flowing through the Tokyo streets in a river of squid andvanilla, churning up the ramen and curried beef vendors,along with the then-few automobiles. Due to the ensuingearthquake-driven famine, Emperor Taishō declaredTokyo a disaster zone, and forced rationing when intoeffect. The residents scoured the street, licking, slurpingevery last ounce of squid and ice cream, leaving the thenfewchrome bumpers shining, and later streetlights wereerected, electricity flowed again through the overheadwires, the Emperor declared war against the Chinese.Everyone grew prosperous and bought gallons of squidice cream. Emiko and his ice cream shop resurrectedand now there’s a photo of him on the wall, an old man,standing next to Elvis Presley, the second most belovedthing in Japan.

JerksThis is the pseudo-scientific classification for mem...

JerksThis is the pseudo-scientific classification for membersof law enforcement in the city of Denver, Colorado.The correct appellation for these individuals is Pigs,however, the volume’s compilers have exhausted the entriesunder “P”, and have therefore striven to endure in otherareas of the English alphabet. Thus, Jerks are known fortheir totalitarian demeanor and their flat-top haircuts. Mostjerks can be seen sporting Kevlar in the middle of malls,downtown streets, and in the lobbies of many of Denver’supscale hotels. Should you find yourself sauntering downa Denverian quay and you are accosted by a Jerk, it is likelybecause you are an African, African American, Mexican,Mexican American—basically anything other thanCaucasian American—or, you might appear to be white,but god forbid your lips lisp anything other than the mostMidwestern of accents. In such instances, Jerks are likely toask you, where are you going, where have you been, despitetheir lack of knowledge concerning the short fictions ofJoyce Carol Oates, American fiction writer born June 16th1938. In fact, you would be in trouble, too, if you lookedlike Joyce Carol Oates, since she carries a distinctivelyintellectual demeanor, and Jerks are well-known for theirdislike of smarty-smarties. Jerks prefer people like them,whom they’ll have you know, are Americans (pg. 7). As wehave already demonstrated, this is among the unfortunateside effects of Americans.

Legless ManToday you crossed your legs while eating yours...

Legless ManToday you crossed your legs while eating yoursandwich, while the legless man—clearly a veteran:tattooed, grizzled gray beard—chewed along jabbering atyou. Your irises had wandered over where his legs had been,outside the downtown train station for nearly a year now,his stumps swaddled, pant legs tucked up like enormousskeins of yarn. He always gripped the Styrofoam cup andsaid nothing, his fingers fluttering a hello, palm raised,a salute to every commuter heeling their clackety waysto and from some paycheck dungeon. Today you boughthim ham and salami on wheat, mayo, lettuce, onion, andbell pepper. Salt and vinegar. You now regret that you werealso kind enough to chew next to him, your right kneeatop your left, adjacent the air swimming with moleculeswhere the cells of this man’s legs once took up space.Your own sandwich—turkey—sweats in your fingers,while the man’s babble over choppers and an airlift leaveyou thinking of him. Not this man, the veteran. But youknow who we’re talking about, your man at home, theman just returned, only just now slipping sweatpants pasthis hips in your apartment, and the photos of himself,those he sent, where he clutches a machine gun, posingin his urban camo with children’s brown smiles, and theirlittle hands that grip the candy he’d gifted. You reach foryour pant leg and brush away a few crumbs that fell there,clinging to the fabric.

literary novel, theThis novel is usually titled as such: ...

literary novel, theThis novel is usually titled as such: The Physicist’s Wife’s Water for Pachyderms Collectors’ Son’s Amazing Adventures with Clay. The main character inthe literary novel is always a mafia hit man with a soft sidefor My Little Pony, because his little sister used to playwith My Little Pony, but she was gunned down by theneighborhood white boys—with rubber bands—and byneighborhood it is assumed that what is actually meantis suburb. The main character’s name is Adam, and healso used to be a straight-edge punk. Now he’s thinkingabout joining the priesthood, but what will happen whenhis past catches up with him? Will his suburb come backto haunt him with terrifying flying mini vans? Will hiscollars refuse to pop upon command? Someone offershim a drink? Only love can tell in this Penguin-Harper-Little-Brown-Algonquin-Houghton-Mifflin-FSGblockbuster with the straight to DVD film version gluedto the inside cover and also soon to found at Blockbuster.All of the music is by Coldplay, except for the music thatis by Wilco.

lost, theThere are two ways: on the left, a Shell gas sta...

lost, theThere are two ways: on the left, a Shell gas stationsprouting black men in rags with greasy fingers,tire-mending men with waxed plugs thrust in theirtrouser pockets; on the right, a dilapidated thrift store,its televisions complete with digital readouts of thechannels. The Lost claim that there is one choice, thatour argument is a logical fallacy. We say fallacies arefallacies, that only those who care about such things arethe Lost. They make television programs for the Lost.The trick is, is that it is the Lost who are lost, not thecharacters portrayed on such television programs. If theLost will look this up they’ll find that these are truisms:the Shell gas station and the thrift store. Once the Lostmake a decision they invariably opt for the thrift store,where they find a paperback edition of Forster’s Passageto India. This volume will be on sale for one penny.

MaldiviansMaldivians are inhabitants of Maldives, and coe...

MaldiviansMaldivians are inhabitants of Maldives, and coexistwith an influx of dragonflies and babies, bothof which originate only in the Maldives, and migratethousands of miles only to return a few months laterfor a short stay before moving off again forever. This is“what we call life.” Compounding this breed-and-fleetendency, the Maldivians do not cultivate hops and thushave no beer. Poor Maldives! In an effort to counteractthis deficiency Maldivians have attempted a beer brewedfrom babies and dragonflies. Unfortunately, this resultedin a plethora of monocled and top-hatted Monopolymen. Maldivians cannot stand Monopoly and rightlyattempted an export of the overstock to Burma whereit is claimed that the Monopoly men behaved largelylike that actor from Easy Rider. The Maldives have nomountains and thus the word for mountain in Maldivianis green. There is an abundance of green in the Maldives,and Maldivians climb these mountains, plumbing themfor views of the blue lagoons, and from these heights theydream of storm surges and of fishless fishing boats.

Man on A TrainThis kind of man leans into one’s book-poin...

Man on A TrainThis kind of man leans into one’s book-pointed faceand screeches about shutting the fuck up. In mostcases, the eyes of the accused become surprise. Saidbook’s title spells out the letter “S,” also “Is,” as well as “forSuspense.” The accused jumps out of the seat. But thisman—the Polo aftershave and Phillies reek reeking off hisPolo shirt—swings and the braking car rocks everyoneback, eyebrows clear of knuckles. The book-reader’sforehead destroys the man on the train’s nose. His nosebecomes a rose that rolls upon the train’s flooring leavingsmears of rose all over the cheap plastic-ness. Fingers findtheir way into roses. Unfortunately for the man on thetrain, our book-reader’s Chuck Taylors also kick at saidroses. Then the doors wheeze open, and the man on atrain is never seen again.

MexicansA Mexican is an inhabitant of Mexico, a countryax...

MexicansA Mexican is an inhabitant of Mexico, a countryaxiomatically hexed by brujas since the dawn ofclichés. The Mexican’s favorite Mexican word is Mexico.Variations on this word abound in the Mexican lexicon.Mexicans are fond of saying, for example, Mexico isone really great place, especially for Mexico, or, Let us gothen, you and I, to Mexico. Despite this last homewardbound-sounding phrase, Mexicans are almost completelyconfined to Mexico. For example, there are next to zeroMexicans in Russia. Next to that: a series of Asian andEastern European countries that equally house zeroMexicans. Poor inhabitants of the Eurasian Steppe!They have never suckled tacos brimming with mixiote!Mexicans comprise the world’s largest owners and playersof tubas. In the Mexican household one finds a profusionof tubas unmatched anywhere else on Earth. For a bed,the Mexican dreams away inside the large flared bellof a tuba. Mexicans have sixteen hands and six feet.The rapid movement makes photographing Mexicansparticularly difficult, and few have been documented.What is known is that Mexicans suffer from the followingbodily debilitations, expressed in their native tongue bythe following respective pining declarations: they areconstantly having their hearts broken, (¡Ay, me rompasel Corazón!); their bodies left cold (¡dejas mi cuerpo tanfrio!); and are left to live without their loves (¡dejamevivir sin tu amor!). Despite this, Mexicans are extremelyhappy, as evidenced by the profusion of bright color intheir style of dress. Mexicans’ favorite color is tequila,their favorite movie is Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome,their favorite thing to do is sing in welcome to visitors,chanting bienvenidos, encantada, bienvenidos.