JerksThis is the pseudo-scientific classification for mem...

JerksThis is the pseudo-scientific classification for membersof law enforcement in the city of Denver, Colorado.The correct appellation for these individuals is Pigs,however, the volume’s compilers have exhausted the entriesunder “P”, and have therefore striven to endure in otherareas of the English alphabet. Thus, Jerks are known fortheir totalitarian demeanor and their flat-top haircuts. Mostjerks can be seen sporting Kevlar in the middle of malls,downtown streets, and in the lobbies of many of Denver’supscale hotels. Should you find yourself sauntering downa Denverian quay and you are accosted by a Jerk, it is likelybecause you are an African, African American, Mexican,Mexican American—basically anything other thanCaucasian American—or, you might appear to be white,but god forbid your lips lisp anything other than the mostMidwestern of accents. In such instances, Jerks are likely toask you, where are you going, where have you been, despitetheir lack of knowledge concerning the short fictions ofJoyce Carol Oates, American fiction writer born June 16th1938. In fact, you would be in trouble, too, if you lookedlike Joyce Carol Oates, since she carries a distinctivelyintellectual demeanor, and Jerks are well-known for theirdislike of smarty-smarties. Jerks prefer people like them,whom they’ll have you know, are Americans (pg. 7). As wehave already demonstrated, this is among the unfortunateside effects of Americans.