Jamie Iredell's Blog, page 6

FuckersContrary to one of the Oxford English Dictionary’s...

FuckersContrary to one of the Oxford English Dictionary’sdefinitions of the singular version of this noun,fuckers are very rarely engaged in the act of fucking.

GigantomastiaHumans who suffer from this condition experi...

GigantomastiaHumans who suffer from this condition experiencerapid and unusual growth of the breasts. That isnot what actually concerns the compilers of this volume.What does interest us is the fact that Soleil Moon Frye,the child star famous for her role as Punky Brewster, isamong the few sufferers of this connective tissue disease.To be honest, even that fact is not what really concernsus, not so much as the fact of the existence of PunkyBrewster. Punky Brewster was a character who epitomizedthe burgeoning emotional and psychological strength offemales in popular media portrayals in the 1980s. We arealso surprised that television executives did not see theverisimilitude of such writing and performances untilthe 1980s. All this said, the title of this entry should notgo unnoticed. If you have not viewed images of PunkyBrewster prior to breast reduction, then you again will beimpressed at the strength of character required to carrysuch a burden. Gigantomastia can cause considerable painand discomfort. Finally, though, what truly designatesPunky Brewster a Freak, is the actress who breathed herto life: Soleil Moon Frye. She remains happily marriedand a mother to two children who suffer from celebrityname syndrome. Regardless, instinctively, Soleil MoonFrye is by all accounts a good mother.

GiftsGifts are commonly given on special occasions, such ...

GiftsGifts are commonly given on special occasions, such asbirthdays and anniversaries, and are a common tropefound in quest narratives. For example, in this narrativethe cliffs cliffed out of the ocean and mountained up.In the gullies giant redwoods tossed shade over the kingfern and sorrel. At the gate, the people in this narrativemet an old man with hair like whipped cream around hisears and skin like a raisin’s, though he looked less thanappetizing. His glasses were as white as the fog.The old man said to the first traveler: “This is the Map ofVentana. Use it to find your way.” The traveler took theold, unfolded map and gazed across its fading lines.The old man gave to the second traveler a glass withmoisture condensed upon it. The old man said, “Thewater is deliciously cold—straight from the Little SurRiver. See how refreshing it is.” The traveler, indeed, feltas fresh as when she had awakened that morning.To the third traveler the old man said, “In the wildernessthere are no bathrooms. Be sure you have your ownpaper.” And he passed over the roll of Charmin, saying,“Please don’t squeeze the Charmin.”It was then the travelers recognized Mr. Whipple. “You’regreat, Mr. Whipple!” the travelers exclaimed, in thanksfor the gifts.And Mr. Whipple sent the travelers, thus armed, intothe wilds of Ventana.

GirlsGirls are young female humans with smelly feet.Not a...

GirlsGirls are young female humans with smelly feet.Not all humans suffer from smelly feet, but thisis a singular fact about girls. Over time, girls learnto overcome this chromosomal disorder after havingdiscovered the fact of their odoriferous podia. Some girlsachieve womanhood and thus by this stage have thrownthe cover back over their stinky feet and therefore havedisguised themselves to men and/or other women inorder to make themselves more selectable in the courtshipprocess. Girls are also known for being doo-doo headsand booger faces. No, but seriously. Girls suffer from thissort of boyishness from most boys. Girls, in real life, arehumans who live on a primarily patriarchal planet. Girlswho became women strove for suffrage in the UnitedStates of America, achieving it only with that nation’s19th Amendment to their Constitution in 1920. Imaginethat! A line of women before the White House, bundledagainst the windless day, the snow clinging to the leathersoles of their leather shoes, their faces worn and tannedby summer and winter sun. And one woman, at attention,her dead son’s WWI soldier’s helmet tilting on her curledhead, no smile. Her name is probably Beatrice. Beatricewas a mother, and a wife, and a human who lived and ate,and reproduced, and died on planet Earth. The state ofMississippi ratified the 19th Amendment on March 22nd1984.

Graphic Novel, TheHere, every graphic panel looks like th...

Graphic Novel, TheHere, every graphic panel looks like this:

Look closely and you’ll find a snow-covered field. Verylittle happens, though critics universally praise itspoetics.

Guitarist, Theis a college-aged male who has learned to p...

Guitarist, Theis a college-aged male who has learned to play thismusical instrument as a courtship rite. Typically, theguitarist hears the whisp of a riff, a classically-renderedtrickle. This, the budding guitarist decides, will surelyget him laid. He then turns to the Blues, knowing fullwell that melancholy inspires pity, that pity engenderscompassion, that within the word compassion liespassion. Unfortunately, the guitarist will attempt hisown ditties, the titles of which are all single nouns: “Air”is a song about dolphins; “Cement,” a sonneta of lostbutterflies. The guitarist makes a narrative turn. NativeAmerican lore proves helpful, whilst staring at the graniteupon the cliffs that cliff out from the north of the collegecampus. This princess that flung herself to her death ather lover’s feet, that tale—which the guitarist has titled“Alpine”—will get him a pair of pink panties to fold.Eventually, the guitar grows dust and spider webs. Thestrings rust and snap each rarely strummed occasion. Theguitarist becomes a retail outlet manager. His wife andchildren love him dearly.

hangnail, AWhen you find this loose piece of skin on your...

hangnail, AWhen you find this loose piece of skin on yourfingertips, rip it back, the skin trickle ripplingthe forearm. A blood globe reflects irises, blue, and withthe surrounding eye whites, think of July 4th: the fogdappledMarina beach sand that wound its way up theshorts and ground the thigh skin to tenderized red. Thatfucking surfer asshole with teeth for a head said, “Youwalk like you’ve got a stick up your ass.” Knives slippedinto pants and stones hefted at Ford pickups zipping pastthe walked route homeward from the school bus stop.That sleeveless jean jacket cocksucker’s hair drippingmullet grease popped a zit when the blade flicked hiswrist and the slice welled red. The stickiness congealinglike a hangnail. The wife says, lotion-up, Vaseline thatshit. Think of Steinbeck’s Lenny, Lenny breaking Curly’shand in his own crumpling fist. Lenny was a big ill-wittedboy who liked to pet soft things and usually killed them.That’s what kind of retard to be. That’s a retard.

Haves, TheHaves can be found in most nations across plane...

Haves, TheHaves can be found in most nations across planetEarth. There are some exceptions, primarilyamong the populations of sub-Saharan Africa. Despitetheir geographic variety, Haves share certain particularcharacteristics. The Haves voted for the other guy, they’llhave you know. They always do. In nations where votingis more drama than nonfiction (note: this occurs in allnations) Haves are known to side with the other guyideologically, but put their money and their mouthsinto factories that manufacture digital polling machines.Haves are found saddling the rear seats of vehicles fromthe following manufacturers: Cadillac and Mercedes. Noself-respecting Have will be driven in anything Japanese—not even Japanese Haves. Haves have favorite cities, suchas New York, and favorite verbs, like “to have.” Haves willsay, Have you been to New York City? They don’t haverestaurants in your city like they have in New York City.Have you seen the new Cadillac? I have. Haves neverconfuse the verb “to have” with the verb “to halve”. You’llnever find them saying, Let’s halve this hot dog, or, Weshould halve this Mercedes. The verb “to cut”, however, incertain contexts, is among the Have’s favorites. Especiallywhen it comes to one or the other of guys for whom theymay or may not choose to vote. It all depends on whoplans to cut taxes, or to cut welfare to the Have Nots,or to cut commercial time down during the Super Bowl.In this way, Haves are a perpetual contradiction, a livingparadox, and so Haves have been and remain enigmaticstudies for Science.

Have Nots, TheHave Nots are not usually seen, but smelled...

Have Nots, TheHave Nots are not usually seen, but smelled. Follow apath of reeking patchouli and one finds—huddledon a streetside curb, smoking a grape-flavored bidicigarette, right hand open and pleading for change or“buds,” left hand strumming back a wayward dreadlock—the Have Not. Have Nots can also be recognized by theirparticular call which sounds eerily and exactly the sameas Hey bro, can I get a ride? Not all Have Nots are trueHave Nots, but are actually Haves in disguise. SometimesHaves wish that they were actually Have Nots. Forexample, some Haves find their way to college campuseswhere they pick up the guitar (see Guitarist, The, pg.64) and subsequently attempt to foil esteemless femaleswith their wooing cadences about water, or waterfalls, orrivers, or lakes, and the dreamy shores thereupon. Theseimpostors are not actually Have Nots, but Haves thathave been seduced by the romantic legend surroundingHave Nots. While these Haves say to you, sorry, brother,I haven’t any change, they are, at the same time, foundcellphoning their Have parents while said Have parentsmeander a Mercedes or Cadillac around a metropolispeopled primarily by those in between the Haves andHave Nots (see Human, A, pg. 70). True Have Nots arein fact quite a rarity in North America and Europe, butcan be found in vast numbers on all the other of Earth’scontinents. The true Have Nots of a subcontinent suchas India can also be found puffing a bidi, but as opposedto dreadlocks, what little hair they may have is turbanedunder a turban. The Have Nots of Sub-Saharan Africaare in pursuit of potable water, as opposed to the NorthAmerican variety of the faux Have Not, who is in constantsearch for the next jam band. All artificial Have Nots arefans of jam bands.

High LifeThe man with the High Life was born in August, t...

High LifeThe man with the High Life was born in August, thesecond cruelest month. Soon after, photos of himswaddled in dazzling white imitation sheepskin speckledthe halls. His childhood was idyllic: artichoke fields andstrawberry wars, an endless oak forest. His father spankedhim only once: he shat upon the hall carpet. Prior tothis movement he wondered—yes, he remembers this—why must this necessary thing occur in the tiny plasticbasin in the bathroom? He gnawed through pouches ofBig League Chew. The Mexicans giggled at his stuntedespañol, his squiggled hair, à la Squiggy. The high schoolfootball team’s mascot was the Condors, colors silver andblack. Every Mexican gangbanger on the team imaginedhimself an Oakland Raider. The man with High Lifecoated his British Knights with cheap white leather repair.Freshman year of college Kurt Cobain’s brains met thebird shot in his twelve gauge. The fraternity told this manto quit sucking down bong loads. His Greek PhD. palsaid that Nietzsche’s free spirits might free—or master—him. This Panamanian chick sent the man with High Lifemasturbating for years. He drank only Bushmills—laterJameson. Fuck snowboarding. His tattoos are tattoos ofhis own skin. Camel Wides gave way to Lights, to air,and a girlfriend. That stint with Atlanta’s cocaine madethe man with High Life’s stories turn gray. He found adiamond, and in the grocery store’s breadcrumbs aisle,his bent knee suggested, marriage? Since, his cat is nearlydead from cancer, his mailbox piles with rejections andRSVPs, tonight there’s chili to microwave. He is drinkingHigh Life.