Jan Dunlap's Blog, page 8

Just when you thought the political jokes were over

I heard the phrase “congress of baboons” for the first time today. I was doing a radio interview with Larry Meiller of Wisconsin Public Radio when a caller phoned in with names of groups of animals. (We’d been talking about A Murder of Crows, and how that’s the correct term for a group of crows.)

Being the overly critical language usage person that I am, I looked it up because I couldn’t believe I hadn’t already heard the phrase. After all, it sounds like it was expressly coined for a truckload of political jokes.

Fact is – according to the Dictionary Society of North America and prominent primatologists – a group of baboons is a “troop,” not a “congress.” The incorrect phrase was apparently spread around the world by a chain e-mail.

But here’s the best part of this whole little tale: on the Dictionary Society’s webpage, it states that “Using the word ‘congress’ casts unfair aspersions on baboons.”

(Seriously, I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.)

Feb. 3 can’t come soon enough!

Like millions of Americans, I’m counting the days till Super Bowl Sunday. I can’t wait to watch the teams take the field and wrestle their way to the goal line or sprint like madmen to make a score. And the hedgehog cheerleaders are going to be awesome this year! Bring on the Puppy Bowl!

Pythons for the picking

Here’s something I’ve never wanted to do: hunt pythons. But if you’re interested, you can register for the month-long Python Challenge currently underway in the Everglades of Florida. Whoever catches and turns in the most pythons in the month wins $1500. Apparently, Florida is becoming overrun with Burmese pythons that disillusioned pet owners released over the years, and the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission is sponsoring the challenge to raise public awareness about the pythons. I guess Floridians are getting tired of finding big sinewy snakes in their parks, lakes, baseball fields, sports bars and massage parlors.

Just kidding about the bars and massage parlors.

I think.

Anyway, Florida wants you to come and catch their pythons for them. Based on the news segment I saw about the competition, I’m not sure if you get to keep the ones you catch, or it’s catch-and-release like we’ve got here in Minnesota for certain types of fish. Although, if they’re trying to get rid of the snakes, Florida probably wants you to take the pythons home.

So if you’re a snake charmer who travels around the US doing Renaissance Festivals, this might be a great opportunity for you to add to your performing snake collection. If you’re not a snake charmer, well, then, I guess you could – I don’t know – catch the snakes for the heck of it. Last I heard, there were a thousand people registered for the competition.

And I am not one of them. We’re talking pythons here – that’s like six to nine feet of muscle that lives to squeeze other creatures to death. I like a hug as much as the next person, but a python hug is over the top. In fact, in the rules for the competition it says to kill the snakes, you should shoot them in the head with a bullet, or decapitate them with a machete.

This is another reason I am not participating in the Python Challenge. No way do I want to be in the Everglades with a thousand people with guns and machetes.  I’m pretty sure I don’t look like a python, but I’m not taking any chances.

So much for spring break in the Everglades this year…

 

 

 

Who am I, and who wants to know?

Other people shop the sales in January, or start working on their taxes.

Not me.

I have an identity crisis.

Over the years, I’ve found that January is the ideal time for this kind of activity. This way, I make sure I get it in, before I get too busy with the rest of the year. It’s also very time-consuming, which helps the month go by faster. And it’s a perfect excuse for staying indoors, out of the Minnesota cold.

“I’m so sorry, Fred, I can’t help jump start your car today. I’ve having an identity crisis and I have to stay in. You understand. “

No one in my family understands, though. My husband doesn’t see the need for me to question my identity, because he figures that if I don’t know who I am by now, I’m out of luck. When I mentioned it to my daughter, she said I should get a job.

“I already have a job,” I reminded her. “How will a second job help me discover who I am and what I want out of life?”

“I don’t know about all that,” she replied. “But you’d be so busy, you wouldn’t have time to think about it.”

She does have a point. Misguided, perhaps, but a point nonetheless.

My family’s opinions aside, I’ve decided to take a new approach to my search for self this year. No more Ouija boards for me! For once, I’m going about my identity crisis in a thoroughly scientific manner. I’ve taken a personality indicator test, one of those psychological surveys that are supposed to tell you what kind of person you are, what your strengths are, how you perceive things and how you make decisions.

Of course, the test’s introduction says that the questions are not important in themselves, but simply indicate certain preferences that are important.

Right. I don’t believe that for one minute. I have no doubt that whoever wrote this test is sitting somewhere right now, still laughing every time they think about all the people who read that introduction and take it literally.

“Okay, I believe what it says here. It really isn’t important if on question #26, I have to admit I have no friends. What is important is what it points to in my decision making process.”

Yeah, right.

I also think that this test was poorly written. There aren’t nearly enough answer choices for each question. For example, one question reads: “Is it more difficult for you to a) accept routine; or b) accept constant change?” My answer would be c) get up in the morning. Likewise, I wanted to write in my own choice for this question: “Would you prefer a)an opportunity to achieve great things, or b) an experience you will treasure?” I’d prefer a chocolate malt, please.

According to the test literature, when I get these results back, I will be better equipped to live and work more easily with people because I will know about the ways I differ from other people and how valuable that can be.

I don’t believe that, either. I will probably be insecure, neurotic and depressed because my test profile will confirm all the negative things I’ve ever suspected about myself. It will also point out aspects of my personality that I’ve spent the last 35 years trying to suppress and conceal from every other member of the human race. It will probably even tell me that I didn’t fill in all the little circles on the answer sheet completely with my No. 2 pencil and that I may have to retest on a later date to be announced.

All of which make me think that taking psychological inventories is a waste of time. Who gave them all the answers anyway? They don’t know me, who I really am, my hopes, my aspirations, my dreams, my experiences. They don’t know the people I love, the places I go, the things that bring me joy. And they never will, either.

You know why?

I put my sister’s name on the answer sheet.

No figs for me, thanks!

Since so many of us begin the new year with resolutions to get healthier, I’m chatting today with Dr. Rita M. Hancock, the creator of the awesome Eden Diet, and the author of (yes, you guessed it!) The Eden Diet. This month, she has a new book out titled Radical Well-being: A Biblical Guide to Overcoming Pain, Illness, and Addictions and it’s about how learning God’s truth helps us break free from emotional and spiritual conflicts that lead to physical illness and pain. (Okay, I confess: I already read it, and my review is here. Check it out!)

Dr. Rita has an extensive background in nutrition, and has lost a ton of weight (not literally a ton, but a whole lot of pounds) herself, so let’s see what she can tell us to improve our diet in 2013!

Jan: You know, Dr. Rita, when I saw the title of your first book, The Eden Diet, my first thought was that I was going to have to find fig leaves to wear while I ate figs and, maybe, berries. Oh, and apples, of course! Any diet named for the Garden of Eden would have to have apples in it. Personally, I love apples – right off the tree is awesome, and in apple pie, apple crisp, apple strudel, caramel apples…but you don’t have any recipes in your book. Didn’t Eve have an oven?

Dr. Rita: Yes, Jan, Eve did have an oven. It was part of her punishment for having committed the original sin (1 Rita 10:18). Seriously, I don’t talk about recipes in The Eden Diet because compulsive dieters are already obsessed enough with food. They watch cooking shows, collect recipes, and talk about either eating or not eating, or whether they gained or lost weight. I try to help them let go of their food obsession and learn to eat only in response to physical hunger signals. That frees them up so they can think less about food and more about God and their relationships.

Jan: So I don’t have to eat a lot of figs?

Dr. Rita: Hmmm…… I’m beginning to think you were force-fed figs as a child.

Jan: One of the things I found most appealing – and doable – about the Eden Diet was its simplicity. But I’ve since heard about another diet that’s even simpler. There’s a Victoria Secret model who says she keeps her slim shape by eating naked. Did you consider that possibility when you created the Eden Diet?

Dr. Rita: Of course! (Not).

Jan: Do you think you could eat naked?

Dr. Rita: Maybe. What’s in it? Seriously, I can eat under any and all circumstances (even naked) because I enjoy food! Moreover, I don’t feel guilty about eating delicious treats like cookies and candy because I believe God gave us those foods to enjoy as luxuries. That awful “all or nothing” diet mentality where you cut out all the rich treats you enjoy backfires in the end.

Jan: And there you have it, folks. This year, only eat when you’re really hungry. What could be easier than that? Thanks to her simple plan that puts a healthy and spiritual perspective back into eating, Dr. Rita has helped thousands of people change their weight and their lives. (I guess they all had to get new drivers’ licenses, huh? I hadn’t thought about that little detail. I should ask her if she gets a kickback from the Motor Vehicle Department.) In fact, you can get some great ideas to help you make changes at both of her websites, the Eden Diet and Radical Well-being. Until next time…..gee, interviews make me really hungry. I must have an apple around here somewhere…or maybe some pie, or strudel…

Global warming finally explained

(Readers’ Advisory: The following material is estrogen-driven. Proceed at your own risk.)

If I hear one more person whine about global warming, I am going to go berserk. You want to feel totally disoriented by a change in temperature over which you have no control?

Try having hot flashes.

This morning, I walked the dog when it was .05 degrees outside. I put on my face mask, a lightweight turtleneck, long underwear and windpants, my down coat, and wool mittens.  Halfway through the walk, I had a hot flash. Holy moley! I thought I was going to start my coat on fire. I tore off the facemask, unzipped the coat and fanned myself. When I got home, I locked my bedroom door and stripped to my underwear, then opened the window.

I live in Minnesota, and I want to wear a sundress in December. Talk about feeling disoriented.

And oh yes, I wake up in the night feeling like bacon sizzling on the grill. Except I don’t taste mouth-watering bacon on my tongue. I taste nothing, because my mouth is so dry I feel like someone attached a vacuum to it and sucked out all the moisture.  I’m the spouse who has always needed piles of blankets to keep warm at night, but in the last year, I keep turning the thermostat down to the fifties when my husband isn’t looking and I slide all the blankets and sheets over to his side of the bed.

Global warming? Ha. Climate change has nothing on my hormones.

Oh my gosh! I just figured it out – Earth is going through menopause! No wonder more women accept theories about global warming than men. We GET it! Mother Nature, Mother Earth…poor thing, she’s hit cosmic menopause.

This is going to take an awful lot of chocolate.

Hark! Are those angels I hear?

Holy holidays, Batman! Did I miss Christmas? Everybody’s talking about New Year’s resolutions, 2013, the year in review, and after-Christmas sales! I even heard that some stores already moved out the Christmas stuff to make way for Valentines.

I still have gifts to wrap and my nativity set to put on the mantel.

So join me for a counter-cultural moment: spend December 25 rejoicing that God so loves the world…

…that He assembled a real-life Nativity set more than 2000 years ago. And it’s still as new and heart-changing today as it was then!

(My set looks pretty good, too, after 35 years, though the donkey’s missing part of his tail…)

May your Christmas be blessed and very merry!

The wishlist of a writer

Dear Santa,

I’ve been a pretty good girl all year. Well, maybe not all year. Okay, I lied to my publisher a few times when I said I was almost done with my manuscript and I was only one-third done, but it’s not like no other author has ever done that, and really, that’s fudging, not lying, so I think we should just overlook that and give me ‘good girl’ status.

Anyway, this is my wish list:

I want to be a guest on the Stephen Colbert show. If he interviews me about my books, I’ll get all kinds of media exposure and I won’t have to spend so much of my time slogging through marketing tasks. If I was on the Colbert show, my books would fly off the shelves, and I could spend my time writing, not marketing. Maybe I’d also get a new coffee mug out of it with the name of the show on it. I could use a new mug.
I want to wake up on Christmas morning with total expertise in all things social networking to make my marketing efforts incredibly successful. Again, this would give me more time for writing, because tasks that now take me all day would only take an hour!
Forget the expertise in #2. I want the shoemaker’s elves to show up and do all my social network marketing for me. This is a WISH list, after all!
On second thought, forget the elves. They probably know nothing about social network marketing and would just make shoes instead. I already have enough shoes, though I wouldn’t mind having a pair of leather boots that zip up tight against my calf. If the elves can make the boots, they can come do that, but then I want them out of here. I don’t want them messing with my online marketing and making it worse than it already is. Actually, now that I think about it, having a bunch of little elves running around my house in the middle of the night with hammers and nails and leather is sort of creepy. So forget the boots, too. I’ll just buy them at a store and skip the hassle.
This is the big one: a writer’s retreat. To Maui. For a year. But I don’t want to do any writing at it. I just want to think and daydream and sleep on a hammock – we’ll call it a creative sabbatical. Oh, and I want a big fat literary grant to fund my vacation – I mean, my sabbatical. Composing great literature requires time and dedication, but I’m willing to make the sacrifice if it’s Maui and free. Worst case? I’ll get a smoking’ suntan.

Be careful driving the sleigh this year, Santa.  The city put in some roundabouts in our neighborhood and most people still don’t know how to drive them correctly. I’d hate for the reindeers to get T-boned on Christmas Eve. Sincerely yours -

Jan

P.S. As part of our holiday WordServe WaterCooler blog parade today, I’m giving away a “Cozy Moment” gift pack: a Christmas mug, notepad and pen, a signed copy of my newest mystery A Murder of Crows, and two Murder of Crows tea towels! The winner will be selected by a random drawing from all the visitors who send me an email via my contact page by Dec. 23. Put “Cozy Moment” in the subject line and you’ve got a shot at the gift pack. Winner will be announced on Christmas Day, and the package will go in the mail the next day!

Economists tell you how to win lottery…of life

The lottery of life.

It sounds like a book title waiting to happen, but it’s actually the title of a methodology designed by a bunch of economists to figure out life satisfaction scores in different countries, which then represents a country’s quality of life index.

Basically, these economists have put together a formula for figuring out where people are happiest. (Spoiler alert: it’s not Disneyworld.)

I can understand the part about economists making a formula, because that’s what economists love to do – they ‘get’ numbers.

Really. Ask any economist.  (You: “Do you like numbers?” Economist: “I LOVE numbers!”)

But I don’t understand how you can assign a numerical value to things like governance, climate, and quality of community life.

Besides, maybe the way they rate a form of governance or type of climate is different than the way you or I would rate it. Personally, I like the idea of kings and queens, because then all the problems can be dumped into one royal lap, but I realize that logic doesn’t work for everyone. Likewise, I would give a top score to anywhere it’s 60-75 degrees year round, but people who make snowblowers probably wouldn’t see it my way. The bottom line is that this ‘lottery of life methodology’ is clearly based on the bias of the economists and does not constitute a valid objective truth.

Which leads me to wonder: Do economists care about truth?

I don’t know.

I’m beginning to think perhaps not, because I keep looking for this fiscal cliff they keep talking about, but it’s really only an idea, not a physical reality, and I don’t see how it’s going to actually change anything about my personal quality of life. I’m still going to live in Minnesota, I’m going to pay taxes, I’m going to walk the dog, and I’m still going to subscribe to Netflix.

In the lottery of life, I’m pretty lucky, I think, with no thanks to the economists or their formula.

But in case you’re wondering, the methodology says that Switzerland will be the best place to be born in 2013. They’ve got economic stability and the people trust their public institutions.  They also have a lot of banks, and they employ a lot of economists.

Hmm, that’s a pretty big coincidence, wouldn’t you say?

Cooking the dog

It’s the last week of the semester for my students, and I’m making close edits on their final papers. I think the number one grammatical mistake is the proper use of commas. I see either no commas at all, which means lots of endless sentences that make no sense, or commas where they don’t belong. So to remind my students and all my readers of the importance of commas, I want to share this photo of a magazine cover from this summer:

 

I’m glad I’m not related to her, and I have to assume Ms. Ray isn’t welcome at the local Humane Society!

(And yes, this is a faked cover. It went viral this summer. I hope it gives you a laugh!)