Global warming finally explained

(Readers’ Advisory: The following material is estrogen-driven. Proceed at your own risk.)

If I hear one more person whine about global warming, I am going to go berserk. You want to feel totally disoriented by a change in temperature over which you have no control?

Try having hot flashes.

This morning, I walked the dog when it was .05 degrees outside. I put on my face mask, a lightweight turtleneck, long underwear and windpants, my down coat, and wool mittens.  Halfway through the walk, I had a hot flash. Holy moley! I thought I was going to start my coat on fire. I tore off the facemask, unzipped the coat and fanned myself. When I got home, I locked my bedroom door and stripped to my underwear, then opened the window.

I live in Minnesota, and I want to wear a sundress in December. Talk about feeling disoriented.

And oh yes, I wake up in the night feeling like bacon sizzling on the grill. Except I don’t taste mouth-watering bacon on my tongue. I taste nothing, because my mouth is so dry I feel like someone attached a vacuum to it and sucked out all the moisture.  I’m the spouse who has always needed piles of blankets to keep warm at night, but in the last year, I keep turning the thermostat down to the fifties when my husband isn’t looking and I slide all the blankets and sheets over to his side of the bed.

Global warming? Ha. Climate change has nothing on my hormones.

Oh my gosh! I just figured it out – Earth is going through menopause! No wonder more women accept theories about global warming than men. We GET it! Mother Nature, Mother Earth…poor thing, she’s hit cosmic menopause.

This is going to take an awful lot of chocolate.