Jan Dunlap's Blog, page 6

I’m timeless…

Does anybody know what time it is?

I sure don’t.

The microwave clock is a minute faster than the oven clock, which is four minutes slower than the weather station clock, which is two minutes faster than the Bose wave system in the dining room.

The dashboard clocks in the cars are different from any clock in the house, and I can’t recall which one I set on purpose to be five minutes fast so I’d never be late anywhere.

Which still doesn’t work, because I’m always running behind, no matter which car I drive.

I thought the computer and our two laptops would all have the same time, but they don’t either. I was really assuming that the weather station and computers would be in sync, because they’re hooked up to radar or the Ethernet or Greenwich time or something official, I thought.

I haven’t worn a watch in years because it never matched anyone else’s watch. Or any clocks.

So I never have to watch the time, because clearly, nobody knows what time it is.

On the upside, it’s always five o’clock somewhere, right?

Sweet.

Pass me one of those margaritas, Jimmy.

I’m going to have to check you for…

Can I talk to you about a personal matter?

TICKS.

(Cue screams)

I hate ticks. Everyone does.

(More screams)

Except for maybe tickologists. That’s the scientific name for people who study ticks. (Screams) Tickologists might like ticks. Or not.  Do you have to like something to study it? I don’t know.

Oh, and Brad Paisley might like ticks. He wrote a song about them. Well, actually, he wrote a song about using a come-on line about ticks. Not that he’d need a come-on line. He’s gorgeous. And he married Kimberly Williams, who is also gorgeous. But I digress.

Ticks are the summertime bane of dog owners.  As a dog owner, I know this. In fact, I know it too well, since last week, a friend and I walked our dogs along the Minnesota River, and when I got home, I found exactly a gazillion ticks on my shoes, my legs, and even on our couch. (Cue lots of screams)

Obviously, the ticks on the couch were from the dog, since I didn’t take the couch along with us on the walk.  The dog sheds ticks because she’s been dosed with Frontline, a tick repellant. That does not stop her from bringing in the bloodthirsty little suckers, however. They get a free ride on her to invade my home.

People cannot use Frontline. My friend gave me a recipe for a tick repellant that is basically a bottle of vinegar, but I haven’t tried it yet. I don’t want to smell like vinegar. Also, she gave it to me AFTER we walked along the river and collected our gazillion ticks. Ah, thanks.

In light of the present tick population explosion, however, I no longer want to walk with our dog on anything this summer but paved surfaces, which means roads, parking lots and sidewalks. Actually, I am now of the opinion that really wide sidewalks are one of the world’s engineering marvels. I hated them in the winter because they were covered in ice and I was afraid to walk on them and fall on my rear end.

(I did, indeed, take several rump bumps in the course of the winter, which I’m sure were highly amusing to the motorists passing by. Slow-motion pratfalls have always been big crowd pleasers in physical comedy, after all. In fact, if this authoring gig doesn’t pan out, I might look into slapstick as my next career.)

In the summer, however, sidewalks are like a demilitarized zone between the maniacal hordes of ticks waiting on either side in the grass to hijack unsuspecting humans.  This, I’ve decided, is really why sidewalks were invented – to protect people from tick death.

Thank you, sidewalk inventor.

Now if I can only find a way to dissuade the ticks from hitching a ride on the dog, my couch could be tick-free.

I know! The vinegar recipe!

“Here, puppy….”

Top 5 funniest bloopers of the school year

Now that another academic year is over, I want to share with you the top five funniest bloopers I found this year on my students’ work. Drum roll please!

#5. The always popular – “defiantly prefer” instead of “definitely prefer”. It’s good to know that my students feel so strongly about something, even if it’s not correct word usage. What makes me nuts is I even give this as an example at the start of the semester as to why you should NOT rely on spellcheck.

#4. “When she was an ibis…” instead of “When she was watching the ibis…” It gives a new dimension to personal memoir when the author becomes what she’s watching, don’t you think? Magical realism isn’t for everyone, though. After watching the movie Beasts of the Southern Wild, my husband said if I ever want to watch another movie with magical realism, I should find someone else to watch it with me.

#3. “My pervert employer” instead of “my previous employer.” This is one of those very rare cases when I have to agree with my students’ favorite mistaken word choice because  I defiantly prefer the previous instead of the pervert.

#2. “Marked by the dessert” instead of “marked by the desert” from Refuge by Terry Tempest Williams. Seriously, I think of this blooper every time I put a second scoop of ice cream in my dish – I know I’m going to be marked by the dessert the next time I step on the scale.

And this year’s funniest blooper at #1…

#1. “Office Stimulation Progress Report” instead of “Office Simulation Progress Report.” Although, given the blooper at #3….

Happy summer break!

Secrets of the Birdchick – revealed!

It’s time for another installment of my occasional series of author interviews!

Today, I’m excited to have Sharon Stiteler, aka the Birdchick, with me today to talk about her new book, 1001 Secrets Every Birder Should Know. It’s fun to read, beautifully designed, and filled with great bird photos and easy-to-understand birding tips for beginning birders and backyard feeder-watchers.

Jan: Sharon, I remember when we first met. I was handing out copies of my first Birder Murder at a publishing book fair, and you popped up in front of me in your cute park ranger uniform. I loved the hat, by the way – very official. I read your nametag and immediately recognized you as the ever-enthusiastic Birdchick of blog and bird world fame. Do you remember that?

Birdchick: Ah, no…

Jan: Let’s talk about your book. I love it! Especially the Bird Busting sections where you dismiss misconceptions about birds. And all the tips you provide are great. Tell me, what is your favorite secret of the 1001 secrets you share in the book?

Birdchick: Well, I’d…

Jan: No, no, wait! Don’t tell me, or it won’t  be a secret anymore.  Let’s give your readers the chance to discover your secrets when they read the book. I hate to spoil their surprise. I know, let’s talk about the next Birder Murder I’m writing, and the fact that you’re in the story. You said I could do whatever I want to do with your character, that I could make you as evil as I wanted to, but you’re such a nice person, I can’t see casting you that way. How do you feel about being a dead body in the book?

Birdchick: Ah, I…

Jan: Just kidding! You never know, but at this point, I’m planning to use your character as one of the suspects with a famous birding blog. It starts out at the annual Minnesota Ornithologists Union meeting in December at the Bell Museum, and a dead body is found in the parking garage, but it’s not you. I’m going to give you some enemies, though, and some motivations for being a murderess because I love to keep my readers guessing. Have you ever wanted to kill someone?

Birdchick: Well, actually…

Jan: Oh, sorry! Don’t answer that. I recently learned that you should never admit to wanting to kill someone, because if that person turns up dead, you can be in a lot of trouble. You could be called in by the police to be questioned. That would be lousy enough, but it would also probably prohibit you from leaving town to go birding. Speaking of which, in your book, you name the best places to go birding. If you could be anywhere in the world birding right now, where would you go?

Birdchick: Anywhere but here.

Jan: Wow, that really opens up your options, doesn’t it? Ooh, look at the time! I know you’re a busy lady with birds to see, so thanks so much, Sharon, for stopping by to talk about your new book. When I finish reading it, could we talk again?

Birdchick: Whatever.

Jan: So there you have it, readers. Check out Sharon’s website for details on where you can find her book – it makes a perfect gift for anyone interested in birding, whether it’s from their backyard or beyond. In fact, that’s the full title: 1001 Secrets Every Birder Should Know: Tips and Trivia for the Backyard and Beyond. Until next time…

Free Kindle download today!

 

In honor of this year’s fabulous warbler migration, my publisher North Star Press is offering the second book of the Bob White Birder Murder Mystery series as a FREE Kindle right here, May 22 – May 26.  The soft cover book is now in its second printing (with a new cover!) and the ebook has new links to a variety of birding resources, including the Cornell Lab’s website, so you can both see and hear the birds in the book! Download your copy of Murder on Warbler Weekend  today and go birding with Bob White!

Why Lego hasn’t offered to hire us…yet

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Flickr.com

My husband was telling me about the dad that was shopping for Lego stickers for his son. Apparently, he noticed that one of the stickers showed a construction worker waving and saying “Hey Babe!”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I said. “They put that on a toy set for kids?”

“He said it promoted stereotypes and sexual harassment,” my husband reported.

Well, yeah.

“The company apologized to him,” he said.

“That’s all?” I asked. “You’d think they’d at least send him a free Lego set to make up for it as a gesture of goodwill.”

“What set would they send?” my daughter asked. “The strip club construction set?”

“With a little tiny pole for pole dancing,” I suggested.

“The Gentlemen’s Club Building Set!” my husband enthused. “They’d sell a million of them!”

We all burst out laughing at the inappropriateness of the idea, and then my daughter nodded thoughtfully. “This is why we should never run a toy company.”

You think?

How to fit Paleo eating into your menu

from palaeoblog.blogspot.com

I’ve been seeing the term “Paleo eating” lately, and I assume this is the newest form of the Caveman Diet that was introduced back in the 1970s: Paleo as in Paleolithic era, which ended ten thousand years ago. So we’re not talking about some brand new concept here. In fact, it’s a really old idea – like about ten thousand years old. Except that, ten thousand years ago, I doubt it was a ‘concept’ or even a ‘diet.’ I expect it was whatever you could forage, capture, or otherwise find to put on the Paleolithic dining table, such as it was.

Think veggies, fruits, nuts, meat and fish. Berries. Berries are good. Cinnamon rolls with cream cheese frosting?

Not so much.

Although, if the caveman’s diet was based on hunting and foraging, I think cinnamon rolls would fit right into that menu plan. I know I’ve been hunting for the perfect cinnamon roll for the last thirty years.  Clearly, I still have that hunting-for-food instinct working for me. I can be just as much a caveman – or cavewoman – as my ancestors were. Just ask my husband.

“Is your wife a caveman?”

“Absolutely,” he’d agree. “She’ll beat the bushes for a good carrot cake any day.”

It’s nice to know I’m on top of a trend. In fact, I’m going out to forage right now. I hear Perkins Restaurant has a rhubarb pie to die for.

Wish me luck…

Order in the court!

I’m so excited. I got my first jury summons in 19 years. I remember exactly when I got the last one because I was 9 months pregnant with my fifth child and the court decided they didn’t want to take a chance with me going into labor in the jury lounge, so I was excused.

I was disappointed because all I was doing was sitting around waiting to have the baby, and I thought a good trial would at least distract me from my swollen ankles and aching back.

Now I’m excited to serve on a jury because I write murder mysteries. I think that a writer should only write what she knows about, so I figure it could all be research for a future book. Even just filling out the questionnaire to qualify for serving is interesting, although it could be a lot more entertaining if there were space to write in comments. These are the things I would have liked to write on my questionnaire, but didn’t:

Where it says “Are you able to communicate in English?”

Most of the time but sometimes not so good so I guess that means yes you think I mean I am an American and that’s the language I use.  (This would be right up there with the kind of writing I get from a lot of my college students. Your language is American? Obviously, since it’s sure not English.)

“Do you have a physical or mental disability that would affect your ability to serve on a jury?”

Does that include high cholesterol? How about PMS? My husband has diabetes and I do wear glasses. Does any of that qualify as a disability? Oh, and I’m somewhat dyslexic, and I get seasonal affective disorder, too, not to mention a little attention deficit disorder thrown in there. Would we get a break for lunch?

“Have you ever been convicted of a felony?”

You mean, using this name?

And this is just the questionnaire. I can’t wait for the part where the lawyers interview potential jurors for selecting a panel.

“Ms. Dunlap, do you have any preconceived ideas about what constitutes murder?”

“Yes, I do! I write murder mysteries. I constantly think about why people murder other people. I have lists of motives and methods. Say, do you mind if I tape-record everything in the courtroom? Maybe I can use it in a future book.”

Gee, I wonder if they automatically excuse writers…

Ruminating isn’t just for cows anymore

I just learned the name of one of my personal demons.

It’s ‘Rumination.’

(The other demon’s name is Peanut M&Ms.)

Rumination, according to the experts at Wikipedia, is the psychological term for dwelling obsessively on the causes and consequences of something that has distressed you. Note that it is not the same as worry, which is about the future. Rumination is about the past.  However, you can have both rumination and worry, and that makes anxiety, which is absolutely about the present.

(Whew! For a moment there, I was worried. But now I know I’m good – I’ve got all the tenses covered.)

I’m primarily interested in rumination because I thought ‘rumination’ was about how cows ate. They are ‘ruminants’ after all. So naturally, I thought ruminating was about chewing a cud, which is what cows do, and believe me, you don’t want to know the details of that specific process of digestion. Suffice it to say, it isn’t pretty.

Every time I think of a cow eating, in fact, my mind instantly flips back to a trip we took to a local orchard one fall. As we rode the wagon back into the apple trees, we passed a big cow on the other side of the orchard fence who was watching us ride by. This cow was chewing its cud so industriously, there were streams of…goo, for lack of a better word…coming out both sides of its mouth. It sort of looked like apple goo, but since we were there to pick apples, I kept that observation to myself.

Nevertheless, the cow ruminating was not attractive.

Now that I think of it, though, I guess ‘rumination’ is a very good term for what I do with obsessing over something that distressed me. I chew it up in my head. It dribbles out over everything else in my life. It’s not attractive.

Uhmmm.  Excuse me, but I think I need to ruminate about this.

Heck , I might as well get some Peanut M&Ms, too, while I’m at it…

Color me disappointed, but somewhat amused

http://japho.com/how-to-dye-your-hair/

I’m always disappointed when I discover that one of my students has submitted a plagiarized assignment. But the one I got last week actually made me laugh a little.

The assignment directed the students to write a set of instructions.  It could be for anything, from preparing a dessert to replacing a fuse to constructing a space station.

Not surprisingly, two of the ones handed in were about cooking and one about fuse replacement. Nobody tackled the space station, though. I guess NASA will have to rely on their own engineers for that one.

As I read one student’s instructions, however, I thought they sounded very familiar. In fact, I almost knew them by heart! The instructions began:

1. Mix Color

Put on coloring gloves

Remove the flat cap on the Cream Color Developer

Remove cap off the Ammonia free colorant bottle and carefully…

“Hmmm,” I thought. “How many students would use the word ‘colorant’ ?”

I entered the instructions into a search engine on my laptop, and got my answer.  I shook my head in disbelief and even laughed a little.

The Revlon ColorSilk hair coloring directions uses the word colorant, along with the rest of my student’s instructions. No wonder they sounded familiar – I use the product every six weeks to touch up my hair roots. And since I’ve been using those instructions longer than my student has been alive, I was pretty sure they weren’t the original work of my student and that I’d identified another plagiarized assignment.

“It’s bad enough to make a mistake of plagiarizing, but to add the mistake of submitting something your instructor might be familiar with – what are the odds of that?” I asked my husband.

My husband commented: “Your students must think you’re too young to color your hair, Jan. That’s a compliment. I guess.”

Maybe so, but it’s still plagiarism.

F