David Lubar's Blog, page 15

Caesar pie

My wife had to run out on an errand, so she asked me to keep an eye on the pumpkin pie. She explained about how to stick it with a knife to check whether it was finished. Let's say I'm much better at writing than baking, and was afraid to let the pie overcook. In the end, it had more stab wounds than Caesar.

Years ago, at ALAN in Opryland, amidst the pre-Thanksgiving displays of Christmas decorations, I unveiled a list of Thanksgiving books for kids. Here is the link to the list on my web site: Thanksgiving piece.

Safe travels to all who are on the road.

Pat the flyer

I am painfully aware that my powers of observation are about on par with those of most pieces of lawn furniture. I just don't notice stuff -- especially at the time things are happening. I tend to live in my head and frolic with my thoughts. But looking back, I sometimes have revelations about what actually happened. And thus it just dawned on me that the last time I flew, I was the recipient of one of those TSA pat-downs. I remember being pulled aside, after being sprayed with deadly neutron beams, and feeling annoyed because I know I'm not a terrorist. And then I had to wait until someone was free to frisk me. An agent came over and patted me all over the place while I struggled to hold back every sarcastic comment that came to mind. I do recall him mentioning that he would be doing something thorough. The words are lost, but he definitely talked a bit more than usual as he checked me. So I guess I am already among the elite portion of travelers who got to experience security with happy ending.

Publishing trends daily -- special edition.

Aspergers is the new black.

A tip for the not-yet-published

A writing tip especially for new writers:

Be careful when deciding whether to write for young readers. There are consequences. If your book gets published, you might be invited to speak at schools. This could mean crawling out of bed at 4:30 AM and driving on highways filled with commuters. It might also mean going through airport security, and getting your junk (or junkette) groped. There are other dangers, but I'll leave them for another day.

Teach your children well

Me: "If your hard drive crashed right now, would you lose anything you couldn't replace?"

Daughter: "No."

Me (to myself): I have done my job.

Snap, Crackle, but no Flop

As I mentioned earlier, Backwash premiers on the 15th. Check it out.

Single Breasted Outfits or Why I Can't Remove My Amazon Links

(Huge trivia points to all readers who catch the significance of the first part of the subject heading.)

As everyone knows, Amazon is currently taking heat for being slow to remove a Kindle handbook on how to rape children (after first refusing to take it off). I would love to remove the Amazon links from my web site, but I can't because I'm afraid to lose sales. Wait. No. That's not the reason I can't remove the links. I can't remove them because I took them off in January when Amazon delisted all MacMillan books for a week or so as a negotiating technique. And I left them off. They're gone for good. Authors -- follow your conscience. But bear in mind that Amazon only accounts for about 5% of book sales nationwide. Shoppers -- there are plenty of other places to buy anything at a discount. And there are plenty of local merchants who would appreciate some of your business.

Mustache whacks

I'm in the middle of a two-day school visit, so this will be quick. Here's a writing tip for all of you NoNoReamers who have been furiously cranking away at your Nano-particles and have hit a snag. The answer (actually, an answer) to most plot problems is already in your manuscript. Something earlier on usually holds the key to solving the current problem. Basically, what you need is under your nose, waiting to give you a gentle whack. It might be found in a casual statement from a bit of dialogue, or in the description of something in a room. There's nothing mystical at work, here. I don't think we anticipate our problems and strew our work with precognitive solutions. I think that threads from the fabric of our prose just work well at inspiring new material. The truth might not be out there, but the next plot twist definitely is. Happy hunting.

Market wisdom

A tip for people trying to break in (to publishing houses, not residential houses)...

William Goldman made the wisest statement of all times about Hollywood: "Nobody knows anything." (There are echoes here of Socrates's profession of ignorance, which is nice, since he is the gadfly who inspired part of the name of this blog. Bonus mini-pun: is career politician a profession of ignorance?)

The same wisdom applies to publishing, at least for those of us at the raw-material segment of the supply side. While Robin Cook stated that he used a scientific approach to figure out how to write a hit book, and while there is plenty to learn from Albert Zuckerman's Writing the Blockbuster Novel, and while it is fine to give some thought to commercial considerations, I think the single most important part of deciding how to spend the next month, half year, or decade of writing time is to keep company with the idea that excites you so much, you can't imagine not writing about it. I'm not saying you should ignore the market. If you have a killer idea that seems like it would be huge, go for it. I'm saying you shouldn't let the market keep you from writing what you want to write.

Even when faced with statements along the line of "X doesn't sell," you have to believe that a really good X might sell. In my case, X was short stories. Anyone in the industry will tell you that there isn't much of a market for story collections, especially from unknown writers. I didn't care. I loved stories, and spent a large portion of my writing time on them. I was lucky. My story collections currently earn more than my novels. But the luck wouldn't have happened without something solid behind it. I wrote what I loved, and I loved it fiercely enough to craft each story to the best of my ability and devote far more time to each one than seemed wise based on the realities of the market. I can give other examples from my work. I've tackled subjects that might not seem to have broad appeal. But passion is contagious, especially when sprinked across the printed page.

I'm starting to ramble and wander. Back to the point. Write what you love, even if a little voice whipsers, "That won't sell." The voice is an idiot.

In the grand tradition of the spit take, Crackle launches a fluid comedy

When Sports Night, one of the best and smartest television shows of all times, was canceled, the shockwave pretty much hamstrung the comedic careers of many of the key players (or steakstrung them, in the case of those who keep kosher). Peter Krause gave new meaning to "cold reading" when he had to share scenes with corpses on a cable show. Poor Felicity Huffman did ensemble acting with a group of housewives, including the world's least-overworked children's book illustrator. Josh Charles received psychotherapy from Gabriel Byrne, an experience so traumatic that he then took a role as a lawyer. Sabrina Lloyd landed in Ed, which we all know, thanks to those "little blue pill" ads by Bob Dole, is not a very funny condition to suffer. Joshua Malina was forced to toil in a series of dramas, reading his lines exactly as Aaron Sorkin wrote them. But now, finally, one of these members has risen back to glory, escaped the confines of network television (as well as the looser confines of cable television), and restored comedic honor to the memory of the cast that once made Sports Night shine so brightly.

On November 15th (a date known to those who closely study Kabbalah as 11/15/10), Sony's Crackle web site launches Backwash, a new wave in comedy, created by Joshua Malina and some other guys who have not yet told me they read my books to their kids, and won't get mentioned here until they do. (Nieces and nephews would be fine, too. Or even foundlings, for that matter.) Unlike network shows, which drag on for nearly half an hour, each episode of Backwash is perfectly crafted to fit the attention span of anyone with a small bladder and a large jug of iced tea.



Backwash is directed by the guy who did Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle and written by Joshua Malina, and another guy who did Tenure, and includes appearances by Jon Hamm, John Stamos, Sarah Silverman (president of the Joe Franklin fan club), John Cho, Allison Janney, Hank Azaria (of Herman's Head fame), Michael Vartan, Steven Weber, Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Ken Marino, Dule Hill (sorry, I couldn't find the accented "e"), Jeffrey Ross (known and loved as the third from last performer on many celebrity roasts), Fred Willard (the real genius behind Martin Mull's career), Mary Lynn Rajskub, David Wain, Noah Emmerich, Joe Lo Truglio and Lindsey Kraft. (Some of whom must have kids. Or access to foundlings.) As a bonus, Bill O'Reilly appears in an unbilled cameo as a giant salami. (At least, it looked like him.)

If, like me, you recognize at least one third of those names, you'll love Backwash . Unless you're a kid. In which case, it's totally inappropriate and I never told you about it, so don't go blaming me if your parents catch you watching it. (But you can still tell your friends.)

Seriously, it's funny, smart, and stupid (in a smart way). Check it out. Backwash .