Noni Yates's Blog

Why Don’t They Trust Me!

A far too common frustration we hear from an unfaithful partner in the betrayal recovery world is, “I’m not acting out anymore, why don’t they trust me?”

I’m going to try to make this as simple as possible and want you to put yourself in this picture.

Imagine that you had a family member, close friend or acquaintance come to you with a financial proposition–you trusted them, their character and business acumen. The proposal seems like a safe bet and you decide to invest a significant amount, let’s say your life entire savings… a contract is entered into and you part with your hard earned cash anticipating the day you and your family get to enjoy the ROI.

Nothing could possibly go wrong until it does…

As hard as it is to believe, it turns out that this friend/family/acquaintance has misappropriated the funds and lost the lot.

There is nothing left, not a penny, it’s all gone, vanished, your future hopes and dreams, your retirement, every hope that you had has diminished.

All you’re left with is the knowledge that this person you trusted deceived you, they took something precious from you and used it for their own gain leaving you destitute.

How do you start again?????

The friend/family/acquaintance is really sorry though and they come to you with a new business idea, they tell you this one will work and invite you into another contractual agreement, you can borrow against your assets this time…

How likely are you to trust this person? Do you think you’d risk it again? What does it feel like even thinking about this?

In essence this is what you’re asking from a betrayed partner multiplied a hundred fold. Although some may disagree, my opinion is that an emotionally intimate life relationship is an exponentially greater investment than any financial transaction. Our species is hardwired for connection and survival

So the next time you’re tempted to hurry along the “trust” process, please remind yourself of what you are expecting.

I shared this analogy with Dave because this scenario is close to his reality, he could relate and understand a little of what I may have experienced, taking a glimpse of the courage it took to step back in whilst being terrified of the risks along the way.

To all of the incredibly brave men and women facing the hurdles and torment of betrayal, go gently and remember trust but verify!

“To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.”
― George MacDonald

With love and gratitude, Noni XXX

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Healing Through Kindness

Discovering a betrayal in your relationship can feel like an emotional earthquake, shaking the very foundation of your life. The heartbreak, anger, and confusion that follow can leave you questioning your worth, your decisions, and even your future. In these vulnerable moments, it’s easy to fall into the trap of self-blame and harsh self-criticism.

But healing doesn’t come from punishing yourself—it comes from nurturing yourself. Self-compassion is a powerful tool that can help betrayed spouses find solace, rebuild self-esteem, and begin the journey toward emotional recovery.

Why Self-Compassion Matters After Betrayal

Infidelity or betrayal can trigger a storm of emotions—grief, shame, anger, and even self-doubt. Many betrayed spouses find themselves asking:

• “What did I do wrong?”

• “Why wasn’t I enough?”

• “How could I not have seen this coming?”

This inner dialogue often leads to feelings of unworthiness and isolation, but here’s the truth: betrayal is not a reflection of your value or your failings. I’ll say it over and over...it is a reflection of the choices of the other person.

Self-compassion allows you to step away from self-criticism and recognize that you deserve love, understanding, and healing. It gives you the strength to process the pain while honoring your worth.

How to Practice Self-Compassion as a Betrayed Spouse

If you’ve experienced betrayal, practicing self-compassion can feel challenging at first, but it’s crucial to your recovery. Here are actionable steps to get started:

1. Acknowledge Your Pain Without Judgment

It’s okay to feel devastated, angry, or lost. Instead of pushing these emotions aside or judging yourself for having them, allow yourself to feel and name them. Say to yourself, “I am hurting right now, and it’s okay to feel this way.”

2. Challenge the Inner Critic

If you catch yourself thinking, “I should have seen this coming” or “I wasn’t good enough,” pause and ask:

• Would I say this to a friend in my position?

• Is this thought true, or is it driven by my pain?

Replace self-blame with understanding. Remember, betrayal says more about the betrayer than it does about you.

3. Embrace the Universality of Pain

You’re not alone in your suffering. Many people experience betrayal in relationships, and it’s part of the shared human experience. Reminding yourself of this can ease feelings of isolation. Say to yourself, “This is painful, but I am not alone in this.”

4. Prioritize Self-Care

Betrayal can take a toll on your physical and emotional health. Make time for activities that nurture you:

• Rest when you need to.

• Spend time with supportive friends or family.

• Engage in activities that bring you joy, whether it’s a walk in nature, journaling, or pursuing a hobby.

5. Write a Letter to Yourself

Imagine you are comforting a dear friend who has just been betrayed. What would you say to them? Write those words in a letter to yourself. This exercise can help you shift your perspective and offer yourself the compassion you need.

6. Set Boundaries with Your Inner Critic

When intrusive thoughts or self-blame arise, practice mindfulness by observing them without judgment. Say, “I see you, but I’m choosing not to believe you right now.” Redirect your focus to affirming statements, like “I am strong, worthy, and capable of healing.”

Overcoming Self-Compassion Myths

It’s common to feel like self-compassion is “letting yourself off the hook” or that it might make you weak. In reality, self-compassion builds strength. It empowers you to acknowledge your pain without being consumed by it, making space for growth and healing.

Remember, showing kindness to yourself is not excusing betrayal or minimizing its impact. It’s about refusing to let someone else’s actions define your self-worth.

The Road to Healing

Recovery from betrayal is not linear, and self-compassion doesn’t mean you’ll never feel anger or grief again. But by treating yourself with kindness and understanding, you create an environment where healing can thrive.

Here’s the truth: You are not broken. You are not to blame. And you are not alone.

Take it one day at a time, and when the pain feels overwhelming, remind yourself: “I am worthy of love and healing. I am enough.”

What does self-compassion look like for you today? Share your thoughts or questions below—we’re here to support each other on this journey.

With Love Noni XXX

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12 Reasons Why They Didn’t Tell You

They didn’t tell you because they didn’t want to “hurt you”. Righto, anyone heard this before?

How about these possibilities …

They knew what they were doing was wrong

They didn’t want to stop doing what they were doing

They knew you’d be pissed and they didn’t want to have to deal with uncomfortable feelings or confrontation

They liked the rush, the fantasy and momentary high

It only happened once, and they’ll never do it again

What you don’t know won’t hurt

It wasn’t really that big a deal, you’ll make it into a bigger deal

It mean’t nothing to them

They didn’t want to face their deeper fears and insecurities

They wanted to preserve their image

They felt entitled

They felt deeply ashamed

We could add loads more to this list. 

These kind of cognitions, & justifications pretty much go hand in hand with most addictions, problematic sexual behaviour and integrity disorders.

So, whilst their motivation (sociopaths excluded) most likely was not intentionally to set out and destroy you it doesn’t change the fact, nor does it minimize the impact their actions have or your pain. 

If anyone tries to convince you that the reason they didn’t want to tell you that they were betraying you, cheating on you etc was because they “didn’t want to hurt you” call BS, ask yourself “REALLY?”

What a crock… let’s be brutally honest, if they truly didn’t want to hurt you, they wouldn’t have done it in the first place, it’s not the knowing truth that hurts so bad, it’s what was done. They weren’t protecting you form hurt, they were protecting themselves from fallout and discomfort!

In recovery we trust actions not words–an unfaithful person in good recovery will take full accountability and ownership for their actions. They’ll call things as they are, humility and truth are evident in genuine transformation. 

It doesn’t happen overnight though, it’s a S L O W process.

#addiction & intimate betrayal is a b*! 

Noni & Dave XXX

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My Two Cents…

Dave and I were recent podcast guests (no, not Laura and Carls which by the way is absolute gold ) We were guests with the amazing Ali Box from New Community Ringwood in Victoria. Ali is an Associate Pastor who’s not afraid of tackling the difficult topics in her series “Unwanted Sexual Behaviours”. What a pleasure it was to speak with someone who is genuinely interested in the truth of problematic sexual behaviours and has an understanding of the wider impact Deceptive, Compartmentalised, Sexual-relational Reality. has on families and communities.

I’ll share the link when it’s up however we were asked if we had any final words of encouragement and for what it’s worth–here’s my two cents…

You don’t have to do this alone, find a safe trusted resource, reach out, the entire reason we wrote our story was to validate the intensity of this relational tornado in the hope that others, even if only one other, would feel less isolated and crazy.

The full truth must be the foundation of safety and there’s no building trust without safety first see the Intimacy Pyramid

To be fully known is to be fully loved.

Recovery is a marathon not a sprint, pace yourself.

You’re not going to get everything right, you’ll make mistakes, be kind to yourself, extend grace and compassion to self and others.

It is simple but it is not easy. There’s no magic cookie cutter formula, recovery takes rigorous honesty, courage and tenacity.

Learning everything you can about healthy values based boundaries will be your superpower.

God does not want you to stay in an abusive relationship and infidelity/sex addiction/pornography addiction is an integrity abuse disorder

Please don’t over spiritualise this whole thing. The devil didn’t make him/her do it, mostly there is a core belief and sense of entitlement which is rooted in shame, power and control, more often than not there is trauma/unhealed wounds from childhood… Yes, it is sinful but please don’t sanitise the language nor minimise the impact, choice is involved. Prayer will not repair where our input is required, it does not replace our work… Spiritual Bypassing is a form of defense mechanism and can be extremely damaging in the long run.

We can’t just pray it away, respond to alter calls, confess our struggle in meetings and expect that it all magically disappears, we need our higher power no doubt, but without doing the required deeper transformative work resulting in changed behaviours and mindset, utilising skilful professional support and committing to 100% accountability–we are kidding ourselves. Repentance is not just rinse and repeat–an apology without changed behaviour is pure manipulation!

The “sorry” is a start but it’s the actions that follow that reveal the true intention of an unfaithful partner. Consistency in living amends and empathy sustained over time builds trust.

If we don’t do our part, at best we’ll be living a pretend normal existence, with the strong likelihood of repeating dysfunctional destructive patterns which will guarantee to be lacking in authenticity, robbing ourselves the beautiful depth of intimacy that is possible when we courageously do the hard work.

All things are possible if we are willing to do the hard yards and go the distance!

Can I get an Amen?

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“But What Did You Do?”

Don’t you love it when you’re asked what part you played in your partner cheating on you? Like what did you do or didn’t do to make them act out

Ummmm oh gosh let me see…

I was and am faithful, trustworthy, loyal, committed, loving, kind, compassionate, playful, caring, adventurous, I’m a great cook, I’m engaging, assertive, sexual, honest, trusting, secure, social, intuitive, humorous, authentic, intelligent, resourceful, interesting, capable, generous and I could go on.

Was I perfect? Absolutely not–I was and am perfectly imperfect–I also own my shortcomings and am fully responsible for them.

There is nothing that a betrayed partner does to cause the unfaithful to choose the path of being unfaithful. No, we don’t have any special super powers to make them betray us, they do that all off their own bat. It’s their choice, if there’s issues within the primary relationship (show me one where there’s not…) they had other options. Options such as therapy, getting in touch with feelings and expressing them safely, being aware of ones emotional state, have healthy boundaries, learn how to sit with discomfort, self soothe and regulate, choosing vulnerability, even separation, heaven forbid try communicating and expressing needs or desires and I could continue. Yes there are plenty of other choices.

So next time any therapist, clergy, friend or family tries to lay any blame on you for your contribution to the infidelity remind yourself, you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it  and you can’t cure it!

Bad marriages don’t cause affairs however affairs and other forms of infidelity and abuse do cause bad marriages…

The End 

Noni XXX

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Rising From The Ashes

I recently travelled to Canada for a couple of weeks for a long overdue catch up with our darling girl who’s been living there for the past 18months, man I miss her!

Anyhoo, apart from Vancouver & Whistler we spent four nights exploring around Canmore and travelled the Icefields Parkway.

WOW WOW WOW! How spectacular are the Canadian Rockies in winter. We were captivated with majestic awe at the snow covered Alberta mountain forests and seemingly endless white peaks of these incredible mountain ranges.

It was nothing like I have ever experienced before. So invigorating!

As we drove on through natures wonderland I noticed a gradual change in the vegetation from thick luscious pines, spruce, aspen and fir trees to huge blackened trunks that resembled giant burnt matchsticks. There were thousands upon thousands and it became obvious that the wildfires had torn through these forests in summer months.

I can’t even begin to imagine how ferocious and terrifying it would be to view such an out of control inferno–blazing its way–roaring over the the mountains with flames soaring hundreds and hundreds of meters in the air, I mean, how could anyone possibly extinguish such a force of nature? I guess they can’t–they can only do their best to protect property and lives but ultimately these natural phenomena’s must run their course.

I was fixated on these blackened masterpieces filling the landscape and noticed at the base of the erect dead wood there was sapling after sapling springing through the snow. (Interestingly to me also was that many of these charred remains still stood upright, why hadn’t they hadn’t all crumbled to earth in a pile of charcoal? I wonder if perhaps they shoot new branches too?)

New growth, a regeneration of the next season for the forest and I realised that while the flames consumed and apparently destroyed everything above ground, they did not destroy the root system. In fact they made way for new life to begin…

In this wonderment I thought of everyone who has or is experiencing the betrayal furnace and I reflected on what this might mean for us…

I’m sure we’ve all felt the heat of the flames, we can all feel like burnt blackened dead wood, we can feel that we’ve been suffocated, and the life and air we breathe has been sucked out of us by the intense pain of betrayal…

I want to encourage you, those flames cannot touch the roots of who you are. Your identity does not lie in what has happened to you, no you are much more than this sweet friend. You are worthy, you are courageous, you are loved and you belong!

It is hard, it is painful but if you water and fertilise the roots of your spirit, you too will RISE FROM THE ASHES!

YOU DESERVE TO!

Noni XXX

I’m no Spielberg, I hope you get the gist

When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.

Isaiah 43:2 New Living Translation (NLT)

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Unveiling Truth

Honesty is without a doubt the number one necessity in re-establishing safety post betrayal, without this you’re faced with building your relationship on shifting sands when it requires and deserves rigorous honesty creating the solid bedrock of truth.

D Day is a post I wrote in October 2020, I stand by the content while also making amendment to the second line re full disclosure “That came twenty eight years THIRTY THREE f*#^~** YEARS after the first discovery”

You heard it right folks, there was more—and for those who listened to our radio segment on fourth July last year you’ll hear a very fresh experience of the recent disclosure.

Dave and I have compiled a series of short videos talking through what this process looked like for us. They are unscripted, unedited and very simply and plainly us.

With Love and Blessing

Noni & Dave XXX

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My Post Traumatic Growth Manifesto

Christmas Eve 2023 marks the 5th anniversary of my life changing forever in ways I never imagined. At first I could barely breathe let alone believe that I would ever write the following words… To anyone on the receiving end of a partners sh**** choices I pray my ramblings offer a glimmer of hope.

My Manifesto

I am not a betrayed wife; I am a woman whose husband betrayed her by the secrets he kept to hide his shame, destructive choices and problematic sexual behaviours. That was his choice NOT mine. His actions have nothing to do with me and do not define my identity in any way shape or form.

I am not a fool for loving him before I knew about his dark world any more than I’m a fool for loving him now. 

He is not and was not a monster… he might have drunk from the cup of misogyny, entitlement, shame, self-loathing, deceit, addiction etc but once he reached the bottom of that cup and there was nothing left for him/of him; he had the choice to fill the cup with something new, something different. 

To this point in time, his choice of replenishment is affirming life giving freedom.

I am a kind, caring and compassionate woman, I chose and still choose to believe the best in people—especially those I love. 

Once upon a time I trusted blindly as most people in love do, now I have wisdom well earnt through the tough season of betrayal, I can choose to trust if that is what I want to do.

I will use my newfound confidence to discern whether a person is indeed trustworthy and whether they have earned my trust or not.

Yes I will trust but verify first… 

I will do so without apology, resentment, fear, or feelings of guilt. 

Questioning someone’s word does not mean that I’m skeptical insecure or suspicious, it means that I am honouring self and it is my right to assert myself in this way. I will not waste time wondering or making up stories, I will ask.

It is my responsibility to show up authentically and I accept that I have no control over how others meet me. 

If they choose to lie and deceive me, it reflects way more on them than it does me—once discovered I will choose my course of action accordingly.

I am not stupid I am smart and intelligent both emotionally and intellectually.

I am not hard hearted, quite the opposite, I have a tender heart and will show tenderness towards myself and others.

I allow myself to say no without explanation, I have learnt to be still with myself welcoming all feelings and will not judge myself for any unpleasant emotions that emerge.

If someone doesn’t like my boundaries it doesn’t mean that the boundary is wrong. They may need time to adjust, perhaps they benefitted from my lack of clearly defined boundaries. I have come to expect and accept pushback and it’s okay, I won’t compromise when it comes to safety.

I can hold space for joy and grief simultaneously.

I grant myself permission to give expression to these feelings in any way I see fit if it is in accordance with my core values. 

I will respect myself in this process and not be concerned with how others perceive my process.

I have learned to pay attention to and honour what my body is telling me, I am aware that sometimes my mind and/or the influence of others may play tricks on me, but my body will never lie. 

I have learned to instinctively trust what I’m feeling in my body. I will not ignore the signs. I resist all temptation to—and know that—it is a dangerous exercise to try to paint red flags green.

I am no longer confused by actions and intentions, if there is any doubt I will always believe behaviour over words.

I am as free to leave as I am to stay; I have a choice and I know that I have the clarity and peace of mind to choose well.

I am not weak, I am refined and strong, all the while remaining soft and supple…

I am also incredibly beautiful in so many ways, I don’t say this with arrogance or pride nor do I need to seek validation from others.

Beauty reveals itself in many a varied form and that’s enough for me, I can give thanks in all situations, I practice gratitude and choose to live in peace.

I pray you do too!

U N I Q U E—M A G N I F I C E N T—B E A U T I F U L

I see beauty in YOU!

Noni XXX

Our story Beyond Betrayal 28 Years; Lies-Deceit-Infidelity

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“He Had it Coming”

Some time ago I wrote The Moment of Impact quoting experiences of many betrayed partners around the world.

In my opinion, society, culture and media do a lousy job conveying the reality and intensity of trauma and suffering inflicted upon loved ones in the wake of intimate betrayal.

The consequences of infidelity, betrayal and addiction are far reaching, it’s not only the couple who suffer, there is a ripple effect extending to family and community, sadly the ones who are often overlooked and most impacted are the children.

No matter what age, no matter how much they know or don’t know, children feel the vibration/energy and sense the discord of secrets and lies used to cover up selfish choices of a betrayer not to mention the attempts by the betrayed to protect and shield the kids from harm.

After Daves full disclosure a few months ago I sat down to write an impact statement and wondered what on earth I could write that hadn’t already been said, I honestly thought that I’d pretty well covered everything—as I struggled to begin my letter it soon became apparent that there was a lot more to express. It was good, it was necessary and Dave needed to hear it.

Through our own recovery process Dave and I discussed the idea of inviting our 3 adult children to write their own impact letter. As fate would have it, I was speaking to our gorgeous Ruby (28yrs) this week who said “Oh I’m going to send you a song, when you listen to the lyrics you’ll know that I could have written it.” I had no idea what it was, she gave me no heads up and after we hung up I listened…

I spent time digesting the enormity of this emotionally charged, valid and justified song. It needs to be heard!

With Ruby’s permission I shared it with Dave forewarning him of how powerful the ballad is. He listened once he felt prepared, timing it with support from his mens group, knowing that they would hold a safe space for him as he processed another painful consequence of past choices.

Dave and I both wept as we listened—we encourage anyone who wishes to gain another perspective to click on the link.

It is only a minute or so long but OMG these few words cut right to the core. It was written by Sabrina Carpenter, a beautiful young lady in her early twenties who found out about her fathers infidelity. It is authentic, raw and powerful, I include it here with a word of caution—content and language warning.

It’s called Emails I Can’t Send

I salute this young lady for giving voice to her pain and validating the reality for millions of others, it’s a rough trek—keep walking into that healing space, you’re worth it.

Thank you Sabrina, Thankyou Ruby.

With love, Noni XXX

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30th Wedding Anniversary

2/10/1993 was the day we exchanged vows committing our relationship of 3 years to “til death do us part”. Beyond Betrayal; 28 Years, Lies-Deceit-Infidelity tells the whole story.

So here we are 30 years married and just over 4 years into recovery, celebrating a milestone that I never thought we’d see after our 2018 separation.

The journey has been hellish at times, it’s also been joyful and passionate. The landscape has been laden with trip wires in the form of betrayal triggers and default unhealthy behavioural traits—our recovery journey, particularly in the early stages felt like a literal minefield.

So what does it look like as we’re approaching our 30th anniversary? The simple answer is mostly amazing but not without issue. Our promise has always been to share our personal journey openly and vulnerably in the hope that doing so will validate the recovery path for others.

Dave and I are currently in Europe, we were last here together 30 years ago, thus far we’ve visited Vienna, Zagreb, Grabovac, Split, Hvar, Korcula, Dubrovnik, Athens, Milos, Mykonos and by the time I hit publish on this post we’ll be raising a glass and toasting our 30th in Santorini sounds awesome? Yes it is…

AND now for a dose of our reality amidst the dream holiday…

The second week into our vacation, we were sharing a meal as Dave expressed his gratitude and thankfulness of where we were at relationally, especially approaching our anniversary, he’d been reflecting on what it’s taken to get to this place, and this is good right? I’m also appreciative— however my thoughts on this particular day had me reflecting on what my life might have looked like had I walked out on that fateful day in 1994, the day that I discovered he had been unfaithful, the day he pleaded and begged me not to leave. So, I vulnerably expressed my thoughts out loud and shared my truth in that moment—I was actually feeling ripped off and wondered what a 30 year marriage would have been like to someone of integrity, an honest and safe man, one who never had A secret sexual basement

I shared that I felt he had controlled me by deceiving me and withholding information that I deserved and had the right to know, and I lamented over the losses. (After 4 years of recovery work we finally had a full disclosure and polygraph in July this year. A lot of new information came out, it’s been a brutal couple of months and we’re going to talk through this process in a video recoding to share)

Well, our conversation was all going fine, Dave validated my feelings briefly before stating that he felt ripped off too. Right then I thought my eyeballs were going to combust.

We’ve spent ample time in recovery acknowledging Dave’s losses and grief also, it’s valid and it’s real but seriously, this was not your moment Dude!

I brought it to his attention that he had turned this around to make it about him. And my response was something like, “and the difference is, you made those choices, you were in control of your choices, I didn’t have a choice”

Dave then went on to defend his stance, he may as well have had a shovel in each hand because the hole he was digging for himself just got bigger! I couldn’t get the Euros out of my wallet quick enough to make my escape. (cash only restaurant and I had the )

I took off back to our room, showered and went to bed. Dave had his space and thinking time but I was still too dysregulated to respond to his repair attempts, this took another day and walking 23k steps through Plitvice National Park.

The repair began with Dave taking accountability for not holding an empathic space long enough to hear my heart, he then offered to be open to listening more if I needed. Interestingly enough I didn’t need to vent anything else, it was his defensiveness that created the rupture and his gentle turning towards me that repaired it.

The Gottmans describe the masters of relationship as being one’s who learn how to make good repairs, we’ve had plenty of practice and are getting better at this process.

The reason I share this story is to normalize the ups and downs of recovery, it’s not perfect, it won’t be perfect, but it’s good enough. Our good enough looks like 60% of having what we want and 40% of having what we can live with.

Anniversaries are cause for celebration, reflection and also commiseration post betrayal. Often these dates invoke a scrambled mess of thoughts and feelings that deserve to be acknowledged, we allow space for them and choose what we’re going to focus on.

Healing is not a fairytale or pretending that the past never happened, it’s integrating it all and accepting that these parts make up the story of us.

“When we own our stories, we get to write a brave new ending.”

Brené Brown

The seasons change yet what remains is our commitment to ourselves and each other.

Thanks for sharing the journey there’s a reel on our Facebook page if you want to take a peek at our travels

Noni & Dave xxx