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Published on June 19, 2023 13:52

May 9, 2023

Grieving The Losses

Grief is a part of life. We lose someone or something we love, it’s a natural human response to mourn and grieve.

Usually there’s a process for grief and all grief is valid.

When someone we love dies we are generally surrounded by community offering support, bringing meals, running errands, cleaning house, taking care of kids etc. There seems to be no shortage of generous offers to help the bereaved.

There are also rituals and services to commemorate who or what was lost, we celebrate memories of life and happier times. We gather and collectively share the loss and we move through the process to heal. We try our best not to bypass the grieving process.

But how do we grieve after the world as we knew it is decimated because of our partners betrayal? Where is our tribe then? Surely we need to grieve what has been lost, how do we even start to do this though when no one seems to understand or acknowledge our loss? What—if any—are the social norms around this kind of loss? I believe that minimising or failing to recognise the losses associated with infidelity only serves to delay an essential part of healing—it is disenfranchised grief.

Think about some responses or reactions you received when people discovered that you had been betrayed by your partner. Did you hear things like “You’ll be better off without them” “They don’t deserve you.” “Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise.” “It could be worse, it’s not like anyone died.” “Get over it, they’re a deadbeat.” “What did you do to cause it?” “It’s only porn, it’s not like they cheated on you.” “You’ll get over it.” “Just move on.” “It was only a one night stand, why are you so upset?” “They made a mistake, forgive them and move on.” “Let’s go out and party, you might meet someone else.”

There’s endless supply of dismissive throw away lines, likely unintentional, yet totally unhelpful for betrayed partners in mourning. How does it benefit anyone when their insides are haemorrhaging and they’re desperate to be allowed to express their sorrow. It effectively shuts them down, communicating to them that their feelings are not valid, or perhaps there is something wrong with them, this may result in delaying the grieving and healing process.

Perhaps no one even knows yet and you are holding the entire weight of your world yourself, ugh this is too much to bear, your pain is unimaginable. I’m so sorry

Our needs, our sadness, our sorrow, our feelings and our thoughts are all valid, so how do we honour ourselves in our grieving?

I’m so excited to announce that in July this year Cat Etherington and Fran Hopwood from The Naked Truth Project in the UK are visiting Australia for their WholeHearted Intensive Grief Retreat. The retreat will be a sacred space for women healing from intimate betrayal, with particular focus on the largely overlooked grieving process.

After speaking with Cat last night I can’t wait to be a part of this amazing weekend. It is going to be an awesome opportunity for women to gather on our home turf! I’m certainly looking forward to immersing myself in stillness, reflection, group activity and finding that balance between “work” and rest in a stunning location. Not to mention spending time with some of the most courageous women I know!

All of the details can be found on my events page. I will have a couple of spare seats in my car for anyone around S.E Q.L.D. or Northern N.S.W, girls road trip! Spaces for the retreat are limited, I think the capacity is 18 so it’s going to be a wonderfully small gathering of women who truly understand this journey. I hope you will consider coming along!

Please, please share this with anyone you know who would benefit from joining us in this act of self care and don’t hesitate to reach out if you have any questions.

Much love

Noni XXX

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Published on May 09, 2023 16:48

March 1, 2023

“You’re lucky it’s only porn” 🤯

This post comes from a place of deep frustration and anger and I’m never sure whether that’s a good reason to hit publish or not but today it’s a yes!

Last week I participated in a support group for men and women, all at varying stages of recovery and healing from their partners infidelity.

One precious lady shared that she was told she was “lucky” because her husband “only” used porn and didn’t get physical or emotional with anyone (as far as she knows…).

My brain froze and my heart ached as I continued to witness this woman’s anguish.

Thanks to my brain freeze, I’m unsure whether this comment came from a therapist, friend, family member or another well intentioned but misinformed person.

What I do believe is that my heartbroken sister felt anything but “lucky” and this insensitive and unnecessary remark minimized the impact of her husbands choices and added to her trauma.

I continued to process the information and reflect on what I can only imagine she could have been feeling after discovering that her husband of many years had been acting out in his secret sexual life for decades.

This is a little of what I came up with when I thought of how she may have felt;

Shattered, rejected, devalued, violated, desperate, stupid, foolish, neglected, enraged, sickened, worthless, hopeless, abandoned, isolated, ashamed, alone, dejected, despairing, invalidated, shocked, disrespected, numb, scared, lost, disgusted, debilitated, confused, distraught, depressed, angry, infuriated gutted, empty, surreal and of course, sad beyond words…

And this was all in one breath!

There’s a lot more that could be added to what she might be feeling but I can assure you, “lucky” is a word that doesn’t make the cut in describing the intense pain and trauma of intimate betrayal.

If the word has any place in my own journey it might be “lucky” that I didn’t kill or maim anyone in the process…

Perhaps at some time in the future we can all find a speck of gratitude for the atrocities experienced but we get to decide that for ourselves, and right now, for anyone to say that she is “lucky” is downright insulting.

By the same token I also observed in a Facebook group this week a post claiming that in their opinion pornography use is way worse than other form of infidelity. I don’t think we can compare one persons pain to another… infidelity is horrendously excruciating, abusive, destructive, and demoralizing no matter what form it takes.

In closing I’m just so sorry for anyone enduring this kind of lip service. WE SEE YOU, WE HEAR YOU.

Be safe, be you

Noni xxx

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Published on March 01, 2023 17:08

January 5, 2023

Hey Affair Partner

I’m not even sure which one I’m writing to at this stage, there’s been a few, so I’m going to start with the ones who knew that the person they became involved with had a partner and a family.

If I’m being honest you’re the ones I hold least respect for, you see you knew about us but you didn’t care, your selfish desires were at the forefront of your mind and satisfying your immediate wants to fill vacuous spaces within seemed all that mattered—not once giving a moments thought to the destruction and fallout infidelity has on others, (including the cheater believe it or not). How long does the buzz last for I wonder? Surely there must be a rebound effect, is it worth the pain? I can almost imagine how good it must have felt for you though, the intoxication from being the object of affection/attention—enjoying the adrenaline rush of pursuit and conquer—all the while without one skerrick of reality or responsibility, simply relishing in affair fantasyland.

It truly must be amazing, you must have felt so important and special—momentarily.

You most probably felt like you cared about my cheater and this was reciprocal, heck you might have even felt like it was true love. Perhaps you thought that you really understood him whilst I just didn’t. You we’re always “there” for him—did you assume that I wasn’t? And of course the illicit sex you were having was wild and amazing compared to married sex that’s boring and mundane (another assumption)—but I know, you really “got” each-other didn’t you. Sound familiar?

Did you ever stop to wonder what this was all based on?

I L L U S I O N

None of it was real yet you thought you had some magical connection, maybe in some disassociated way you thought you were just having fun. The harsh reality is that all you had was an illusion—built on deceit, neediness, entitlement, avoidance, insecurity and delusion. Smoke and Mirrors honey…plus truckloads of denial!

If you really cared about the unfaithful you might have thought twice about what you were doing, you might have been curious to what was actually going on for them, perhaps even explored a little deeper into motives (yours and theirs)—rather than hoping you could build something amazing on the lust and limerence you both shared. Did you ever stop to think that someone cheating on their partner might actually be feeding you a whole lot of lies? Ahh of course, they wouldn’t lie to you because you had something special, right? Hmmmm, moving on…

And now to the affair partners I actually empathise with, you were a pawn in their game, you actually had no idea of this other persons world. You met someone charming, attractive, engaging, kind, adventurous, spiritual, generous, funny, attentive—and the list could go on. Sadly, unbeknownst to you, you were being groomed, deceived and used to fill the gaping black holes in their hearts. But hey you weren’t to know because the unfaithful are masters at coverup. So while I’m sorry for you—you also fell for the I L L U S I O N they were trying to sell—N.B. my apology doesn’t extend to those who saw and turned a blind eye to the wedding ring on their finger. If you saw the ring, chose to ignore and then continued to consume the carrot dangling in front of you then you can go straight to the first category of affair partner. No, the apology is not for you! You might have even continued the relationship because you guys were “just” friends, well, as soon as anyone adds “just” in any context it is minimising an action to suit a narrative. What is it exactly that you are getting or hoping to get out of this kind of friendship?

No, my apology is reserved for those self respecting individuals who discover that their possible love interest is actually in a relationship and then are secure enough to call out inappropriate behaviour or advances. They are courageous enough to walk away and abruptly end any emotional or romantic entanglement, they are dignified and have a strong sense of self-worth. To the ones who challenged the actions and motives of a potentially unfaithful acquaintance kudos for you, I respect you. Sadly I’ve yet to encounter too many people of this calibre but I’m 100% sure they exist.

Hey affair partners, this might be hard to hear but most of you only served the purpose of filling the void in a persons’ life. That person is someone who never learnt how to be emotionally mature, they didn’t learn how to self regulate, self soothe or engage in healthy conflict. They also never learned how to have healthy boundaries nor ask for what they needed. More than likely they are known people pleasers. They may have looked and acted with confidence and although present in adult bodies there is always an orphaned child trapped within.

Well I’ve got news for you, and it’s awesome news for betrayed spouses, once an unfaithful partner wakes up, grows up and begins the painful and confronting task of healing past wounds, affair partners are no longer needed because an unfaithful in true recovery is no longer looking for an easy fix to soothe their discomfort. They’re prepared to do whatever it takes for however long it takes to heal and they desperately want to distance themselves as far and wide from the chaos and confusion of infidelity as is possible. With time and diligence these people become the most amazing partners, parents and friends anyone could hope for.

For the ones who don’t make this monumental shift, what a shame you don’t get to experience the incredible freedom of true recovery. Also, if you’re an affair partner who lands the prize catch of an unhealed cheater, did you know that statistics show that 75% of these marriages end in divorce?

In closing here’s a public service announcement to any future affair partners for cheaters on the repeat cycle, they’re yours, take them—you are welcome—just be sure to have plenty of diapers, tissues and pacifiers on hand, you’re sure going to need them.

I wish you well,

Noni

You might also like to read Dearest Betrayed & Dear Unfaithful, or our complete memoir Beyond Betrayal, 28 Years, Lies-Deceit-Infidelity.

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Published on January 05, 2023 16:46

December 14, 2022

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year ❤️‍🩹

A wounded heart often struggles to live up to expectations of the Christmas season.

If your heart is hurting, grappling to find joy in the midst of trauma, please be kind to yourself. Do what you must do but not more than need to and remember that it’s ok to say “no” to things that you know are overwhelming.

Be blessed and stay safe.

Noni & Dave xxx

Anniversaries & Triggers

Make space for grace, you are stronger than you realize!

A metaphor of what the first 18 months of recovery felt like

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Published on December 14, 2022 13:33

October 25, 2022

Recovery Resources For Everyone

For anyone new on this journey, my hope is that this post gives you a starting point— steering you in the right direction to finding the support you need and also equipping you with tools for the road ahead.

I’ll begin with a brief outline of our experience…

Our path to recovery and healing began after I called it quits on an abusive marriage. (For 25 years I didn’t even realise that this is what I was in because of the covert nature, cycles and the level of manipulation)

There had been infidelity in 1994 and some “seemingly” minor offences that were largely swept under the rug with I’m sorry it won’t happen again kind of thing.

We didn’t have any full therapeutic disclosure (I didn’t even know such things existed when all hell broke loose in my world) Truth trickled out as I searched for answers and asked my own set of questions which by all accounts appeared to be consistent with what is recommended. (no poly though)

However, I do believe that I am as close to knowing everything as possible, I’m satisfied with the level of knowledge I have and apart from an affair child appearing I’m not sure anything else would alter the work needed to recover. Having said that, we have discussed going through the exercise of a FTD for our ongoing learning and also to help me in my practice. Dave and I both believe that exploring the materials that we’ve found together has given us a better grasp of what each of us has experienced. It is true that understanding both sides of the coin has aided our recovery.

When things finally began to come to light in 2019, I had no idea that his compulsive acting out would be considered an addiction, and although it might be on the lower end of the scale, it still fits the category.

Emotional affairs-tick, pornography-tick, sexual affairs-tick, a forgotten one-night stand-tick, dating site-tick, financial infidelity-tick, grooming etc… And then there’s the multi-faceted layers of Integrity Abuse Disorder.

Our “formal” counselling sessions were minimal, we attended a 2-day intensive with a social worker, Dave had some individual counselling and I saw a trauma therapist for several sessions early days. The Social Worker specialized in affair recovery and has her own lived experience, finding someone who “got it” really made a difference in not having to explain the intensity of this torture.

Everything on this list is what we’ve discovered via the internet—these are the ones we recommend and have found to be the most beneficial to our healing. You may already be familiar with some of them so I hope there is something of use, most of the sites either have, groups, podcasts, videos, blogs, programs and some have downloadable worksheets. This list is not exhaustive and I will continue to update as I come across resources that I believe are of value in recovery and relationships.

Dave and I practice something each and every day, SELF-CARE & COMPASSION are essential for both parties regardless of the state of the marriage. The greater our window of tolerance is the better we can show up for one another and manage stressors!

Before diving into this endurance marathon, it’s worth both partners having a birds-eye view of the real impact of betrayal so I’ve written the following letters—Dearest Betrayed & Dear Unfaithful

Now, read on to access some of the best resources we have in our recovery toolkit, there is so much available on each site, and a lot of it doesn’t cost a cent!

If you are of faith bible Apps on infidelity, shame, trust, identity, pornography, lust etc—prayer.

I discovered the Affair Recovery community in January 2019 (A significant D-day occurred on Christmas Eve 2018, basically this is when Dave got well and truly busted, there was nowhere left for him to hide! You’ll have to grab our memoir for the full story)

AR literally has thousands of great short video blogs for the unfaithful and betrayed. There are paid courses you can do, Emergency Marital Seminar for couples, Hope for Healing for unfaithful (17 weeks) and Harboring Hope for betrayed (13 weeks). We highly recommend these. The free 7-day online Bootcamp (self-paced) is a wonderful starting place for anyone, either individually or as a couple.

We still sit and watch video blogs regularly out of a desire to learn more (av 10 min) and this opens up for discussion, initially, it was a daily ritual with our morning coffee and prayer. We enjoy listening, learning and sharing with others.

AR was our major go-to; learning and understanding how emotional flooding hijacks our rational brain helped us to explore ways around this. We utilized timeouts and self-regulating techniques to lessen conversation blowouts. This wasn’t always successful though—once the lid is flipped it can be difficult to reign it back in.

We learnt the art of making a true apology and gentle start-up.

Gottman method helped tremendously with this. We laminated the 4 horseman of the apocalypse & their antidotes and kept it on hand for easy access.

We scheduled a weekly check-in together so that we knew there would be an opportunity to specifically update each other on how we were doing and use this time to focus on us. I guess we did this so that we could continue with our day-to-day comings and goings knowing that we intended some time to debrief, we found this form of “compartmentalization” useful to lessen rumination.

These were our questions

Has there been any flotsam and jetsam over the past week?

Fears/insecurities/doubts?

Any niggly bits? Has there been anything that has felt like emotional disconnection/separation?

Have we felt heard and understood?

Have we honoured each other and spoken each other’s love language?

What do we need to improve on this week? How can we improve this week?

How we communicated with each other became and continues to be a very strong focal point, we utilise the Imago Dialogue tools. Perspective has been very important in our healing we’ve become really curious about what’s going on for each other and really seek to understand how the other person sees things, not necessarily to agree but just to gain that binocular vision.

Values-based communication and boundaries were instrumental in learning how to show up for ourselves and each other.

Most importantly we were/are both committed to doing the work, when we blew it (and there were plenty of times we did—and still do), we cooled our heels, gave ourselves a time-out and then leaned into each other once again to continue on the path to a healthy and loving relationship. Learning how to make a good repair after the conflict is not easy but it is essential to healing well.

The bottom line in recovering from infidelity is this—no one else can do our healing for us, not our therapist, not our partners, not our friends, families, clergy or gurus. We must each do what we need to do for ourselves but we don’t need to do it alone. Healing happens in community, please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need support.

And the final question on everyone’s lips? “How long will it take to get over this?” Well, friends, I’m not sure getting over it is the goal, rather than getting over it I believe we can get through it and move forward with incredible purpose. Sure, we’ll never forget what has happened, I know that my own healing has allowed me to recall all that has happened, accepting a past I I can not change and dropping the struggle to do so without it having any kind of emotional hold on me. Freedom is possible.

When we are active in recovery, the intensity of the pain changes, moving beyond the pain takes perhaps 18-24months. Dealing with a sexual addiction could take 3-5 years. Everyone’s journey is unique though as is everyone’s recovery. I pray that the links below will validate your experience and illuminate the way forward no matter what stage you find yourself.

Go gently, blessings

Noni & Dave xxx

Email Address

For All

Dr Doug Weiss—Game Plan App & Heart To Heart (a lot of good stuff, some may be N/A depending on individual circumstances)

Matthias J Barker (Christian)

Andrew J Bauman (Christian)

Christina Bell (Christina has a whole page of editable worksheets)

Byron Katie (I would say a lean toward New Age, but she has some very good tools)

Your Sobriety Will Make Me Happy a Youtube clip that first drew my attention to Byron’s work.

Daring Ventures Dr Jake Porter

Seeking Integrity Robert Weiss

Instagram—https://www.instagram.com/thesecurere...

Groups and tools for betrayed women

Brave One Community Dr Sheri Keffer

Healing and Hope After Betrayal

Great resource here

Helping Couples Heal

Women recovering from being in an abusive relationship

Confusion to Clarity Now Helena Knowlton

Patrick Weaver Ministries

Wilderness to Wild Sarah McDugal

Men who have been abusive

The Overwhelmed Brain Paul Collianni

Lundy Bancroft

Beyond Affairs Network

Forums: USE WITH DISCRETION, they can be validating and welcoming but there may be some unhealthy elements and negativity which could undermine progress in recovery and healing, I notice a tendency amongst members to overshare and whilst there is often helpful feedback, the opinions of others are not always healthy

Support Groups for betrayed spouses

APPS

The Tapping Solution App (Emotional Freedom Techniques)

Neurocycle App Dr Caroline Leaf

Calm App

Headspace App

Mindfulness App

Trigger Warnings for Movies

Grounding and self-regulation techniques—Somatic therapies

Breathwork

5 Things

Bi-lateral stimulation

Evidence-Based Tapping

EMDR effective trauma therapy

READING

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair

Intimate Deception

Not Just Friends

Why Does he Do That

Out of The Doghouse

I Hear You

Living and Loving After Betrayal

Our Memoir, co-authored, hear both sides of the story, raw & authentic

Beyond Betrayal 28 Years, Lies-Deceit-Infidelity

YouTube

Sheri Keffer

Recovery Programs & CoursesFor the Betrayed

Harboring Hope

Brave One Community

Post Betrayal Transformation

For Couples

Healing Broken Trust

Affair Recovery EMS

Affair Recovery EMS Online

Trauma & Sexual Betrayal Dr Kevin Skinner

For the Unfaithful/Addiction/Anger/Avoidant

Hope For Healing

Be A Better Man

Compassion Power Steven Stosny

Robert Weiss

Doug Weiss

Dr Jake Porter Daring Adventures

Dr Kevin Skinner

General Support Groups for Men

Complete Men

A metaphor of what the first 18 months of recovery felt like

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Published on October 25, 2022 18:37

October 18, 2022

Recovery Resources For Everyone

For anyone new on this journey, my hope is that this post gives you a starting point to find the right support you need and equip you with some tools for the road ahead.

Our journey of recovery and healing began after I called it quits on an abusive marriage. (For 25 years I didn’t even realise that this is what I was in because of the covert nature, cycles and the level of manipulation we experienced)

There had been infidelity in 1994 and some “seemingly” minor offences that were largely swept under the rug with I’m sorry it won’t happen again kind of thing.

We didn’t have any full therapeutic disclosure (I didn’t even know such things existed when all hell broke loose in my world) Truth trickled out as I searched for answers and asked my own set of questions which by all accounts is consistent to what is recommended. (no poly though)

However, I do believe that I am as close to knowing everything as is possible and am satisfied with the level of knowledge I have and apart from an affair child appearing (God forbid) I’m not sure anything else would alter the work needed to recover. Having said that, we have discussed going through the exercise of a FTD for our ongoing learning and to help me in my practice. Dave and I both believe that exploring the materials that we’ve found together has given us a better grasp of what each of us has experienced and understanding both sides of the coin has aided us in our recovery.

When things finally began to come to light in 2019, I had no idea that this compulsive acting out would be considered an addiction, and although it might be on the lower end of the scale, it still fits the category.

We had one 2-day couples intensive with a social worker, Dave had some individual counselling and I saw a therapist for several sessions early days, the Social Worker specialized in affair recovery and has her own lived experience.

Everything on this list is what we’ve discovered via the internet—these are the ones we recommend and have found to be the most beneficial to our healing. I’m sure you’re probably familiar with many of them so I hope there is something of use, most of the sites either have, groups, podcasts, videos, blogs, programs and some have downloadable worksheets. This list is not exhaustive and I will continue to update as I come across resources that I believe are of value in recovery and relationships.

We practice something each and every day, SELF-CARE & COMPASSION are an essential must for both parties regardless of the state of the marriage. The greater our window of tolerance is the better we can show up for one another and manage stressors!

Before diving into this endurance marathon, I felt that it would be worth both partners having a birds-eye view of the real impact of betrayal so I’ve written the following letters—Dearest Betrayed & Dear Unfaithful

Now, read on to access some of the resources we have in our recovery toolkit, there is so much available on each site, and a lot of it doesn’t cost a cent!

Firstly bible Apps on infidelity, shame, trust, identity, pornography, lust etc—prayer

I found the Affair Recovery site in January 2019 ( D-day happened Christmas Eve, basically this is when H got busted, we’d been working toward reconciling!!!) There are literally thousands of great short video blogs for the unfaithful and betrayed. There are paid courses you can do, Emergency Marital Seminar for couples, Hope for Healing for unfaithful (17 weeks) and Harboring Hope for betrayed (13 weeks).

We highly recommend these. The free 7-day online Bootcamp (self-paced) is a wonderful starting place for anyone, either individually or as a couple.

AR was our major go-to; learning and understanding how emotional flooding hijacks our rational brain helped us to explore ways around this. We utilized timeouts and self-regulating techniques to lessen conversation blowouts. This wasn’t always successful though—as you know, once the lid is flipped it is hard to reign it back in.

We learnt the art of making a true apology and gentle start-up.

Gottman method helped tremendously with this. We laminated the 4 horseman of the apocalypse & their antidotes and kept it on hand for easy access.

We scheduled a weekly check-in together so that we knew there would be opportunity to specifically update each other on how we were doing and use this time to focus on us. I guess we did this so that we could continue with our day-to-day comings and goings knowing that we intentioned some time to debrief, we found this form of “compartmentalization” useful to lessen rumination.

These were our questions

Has there been any flotsam and jetsam over the past week?

Fears/insecurities/doubts

Any niggly bits? Has there been anything that has felt like emotional disconnection/separation?

Have we felt heard and understood?

Have we honoured each other and spoken each other’s love language?

What do we need to improve on this week? How can we improve this week?

How we communicated with each other became and continues to be a very strong focal point, we utilise the Imago Dialogue tools. Perspective has been very important in our healing we’ve become really curious about what’s going on for each other and really seeking to understand how the other person sees things, not necessarily to agree but just to gain that binocular vision.

Values-based communication and boundaries were instrumental in learning how to show up for ourselves and each other.

For All

Matthias J Barker (Christian)

Andrew J Bauman (Christian)

Christina Bell (Christina has a whole page of editable worksheets)

Byron Katie (I would say a lean toward New Age, but she has some very good tools)

Your Sobriety Will Make Me Happy a Youtube clip that first drew my attention to Byron’s work.

Daring Ventures Dr Jake Porter

Seeking Integrity Robert Weiss

Groups and tools for betrayed women

Brave One Community Dr Sheri Keffer

Healing and Hope After Betrayal

Great Resource here

Helping Couples Heal

Women recovering from being in an abusive relationship

Confusion to Clarity Now Helena Knowlton

Patrick Weaver Ministries

Wilderness to Wild Sarah McDugal

Men who have been abusive

The Overwhelmed Brain Paul Collianni

Lundy Bancroft

Beyond Affairs Network

Support Groups for betrayed spouses

APPS

The Tapping Solution App (Emotional Freedom Techniques)

Neurocycle App Dr Caroline Leaf

Calm App

Headspace App

Mindfulness App

Trigger Warnings for Movies

Grounding and self-regulation techniques—Somatic therapies

Breathwork

5 Things

Bi-lateral stimulation

Evidence Based Tapping

READING

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair

Intimate Deception

Not Just Friends

Why Does he Do That

Out of The Doghouse

I Hear You

Living and Loving After Betrayal

Our Memoir, co-authored, hear both sides of the story, raw & authentic

Beyond Betrayal 28 Years, Lies-Deceit-Infidelity

YouTube

Sheri Keffer

Recovery Programs & CoursesFor the Betrayed

Harboring Hope

Brave One Community

Post Betrayal Transformation

For Couples

Healing Broken Trust

Affair Recovery EMS

Affair Recovery EMS Online

Trauma & Sexual Betrayal Dr Kevin Skinner

For the Unfaithful/Addiction/Anger/Avoidant

Hope For Healing

Be A Better Man

Compassion Power Steven Stosny

Robert Weiss

Dr Jake Porter Daring Adventures

General Support Groups for Men

Complete Men

Click here to purchase the eBook for the special price of $4.95 AUD valid from 26/06/2022 for 24 hours only.

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Published on October 18, 2022 17:07

June 23, 2022

The Moment of Impact

June Twenty-Sixth marks the 1 year anniversary of Beyond Betrayal, 28 Years; Lies-Deceit-Infidelity book launch. *(At the bottom of this post, there is a link that will give you 50% off eBooks, only available for 24 hours on 26/6/22, please share this post with anyone you think may be interested. Click here for reviews )

In the week leading up to the launch in 2021, I asked one question in a private Facebook group for women who have been impacted by their partners betrayal.

The sole purpose for asking this Q was so that I could share the reality of the moment of impact to our audience who may never have experienced or acknowledged such trauma themselves. What we see in media and movies doesn’t even come close to accurately portraying the enormity of betrayal. I hate that cheating is glamorised and there is sweet jack all which captures the ripple effect and fallout of an unfaithful partner’s self-centred destructive choices.

If you have been unfaithful, please know that it is not my intention to send anyone into a shame spiral here, shame will never be anyone’s friend in recovery. My prayer is that the eyes and ears of your heart may be opened further as you read and hear from other betrayed spouses’ experiences. My prayer is also for increased empathy to aid healing and intimacy.

These are my thoughts—familiarity can often cause us to become immune to hearing the words and voice of those closest to us. Perhaps we are so accustomed to each other’s nature and communication styles that it takes a third party expressing a message differently for the lights to come on, even if it is the same message! All of the answers below are from real people, and real situations, each feeling is valid and true for them—some of them are truly gut-wrenching and will make you weep. You might have friends or family and this is their story, perhaps reading this will help you better understand their pain.

The other thing I want to add is that although all of these messages came from betrayed women, I know that there are just as many men out there who are reeling and hurting from their partner’s betrayal. You are not overlooked or forgotten.

During the time we had at the launch I was unable to share every response but I believe they all deserve to be heard and that’s why this post is dedicated to the brave men and women who are doing this heartbreaking journey.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! YOU MATTER and YOU ARE ENOUGH!

THE QUESTION—“Is anyone able to give me a 1 sentence description of their betrayal experience immediately following discovery? Summing up in a few words what it felt like for you?”

“Like an Elephant was sitting on my soul. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t breathe, move or talk.”

“The ground opened up beneath me and swallowed me whole—I fell over and grabbed the carpet to hold on—when I could finally stand, I ran and hid in my closet—frozen in terror.”

“My immediate experience was the feeling that the walls were closing in on me. That I was dying and he, the one person I loved and trusted the most, was the one killing me. It felt like my heart was beating so hard and so fast that I was going to die right there in my kitchen with my babies watching.”

“Like the ground beneath me that I thought was solid, shattered like glass, and I just kept free-falling.”

“I knelt in his office and had to brace myself. I couldn’t make sense of anything I was seeing. I was spinning down a dark hole of pain and disbelief. I walked around outside of my body for days, and everywhere I looked, I only saw liars.”

“Complete heartbreak and devastation. I cried constantly for days on days. He cried too seeing what he had done to me. After a few days, I knew I had to leave and find a safe place for myself. He was the love of my life and I had given him my everything. Following was months on months of crying and sleepless nights. Just sheer torment. Especially as more and more discoveries unfolded. I told him I wished he would have just killed me instead. It was the very depths of despair and pain I had ever experienced in my life. And so incredibly exhausting. My life and my dreams were completely crushed.”

“Felt like someone took a baseball bat to my knees, I couldn’t stand, they were shaking so bad, my heart was racing up through my throat. And each D-day after felt like reliving the same nightmare but a bit worse, the shock was horrendous and the frustration beyond anything I’ve ever experienced. I couldn’t sleep, could hardly eat, couldn’t see people, couldn’t get up off the floor some days. It was torture.”

“First journal entry after D-day: I was almost killed by my last husband, but this feels so much worse. My heart is under a boulder and no one will lift it off of me. My entire truth was shattered at that moment and the worst part about it is that it’s my fault. My husband: “it felt like I just ruined my entire life. I finally saw who I had become. A f****** monster.” My ex-husband basically beat the crap out of me weekly for about a year and a half. And cheated 7 times that I know of. Just to give you all some background.”

“Heartbroken and puking while trying to keep the kids alive…”

“I remember telling my sister I felt like I was drowning and that every time I managed to come up for air I was pushed under again.”

“PTSD. D-Day was 27 July 18 at 4:04 pm. I literally got back from my deployment. Same day and he confessed he was having an affair and thought he could have both of us and I would be fine with it. I punched him in the face though he wasn’t surprised by that reaction, he was upset that I told him it was either me or her. Like I was not being fair to him. To this day, he has never felt guilty about the affair, only guilty that he hurt me.”

“When he left out of the blue it was like having my Heart pulled out of my chest and pounding before me.”

“I used to say, it feels like my soul is on fire and burning up and it keeps burning and won’t stop. Like I was being tortured with the worst torture anyone could get and it never stops, it keeps going on and on and on…this picture pretty much paints the picture of what it feels like…”

“I felt the deepest darkest despair and pain arghhhhh my head and heart were frantic trying to make sense of what had been going on. He was the love of my life my saviour what was wrong with the human race in this world…. my world has been a darker place ever since. I look back at that time and I’m grateful every day that I’m surviving.”

“My hands shook as I held his cell phone, seeing his “I love you girl” & their conversation during our family time the previous day. Panic set in as I sent screenshots to my cell phone, terrified he would wake up & catch me as if I were the one doing something wrong. Careful not to step on my broken heart that lay shattered on the floor, I tiptoed back & put his cellphone back on his nightstand & whispered in his ear “I know about….” He sits up, pleading “I never stopped loving you”. I slap him several times & yell back “That’s not LOVE”. Then I drive to work, where I stand paralyzed in the parking lot & call my best friend.”

“I felt like God had forgotten me.”

“I shook, I was enraged but couldn’t speak. My heart beat through my chest wall and I was quiet. I kept telling myself over and over not to make any life-changing decisions in this moment of disbelief. All I wanted to do was rip his head off his shoulders. I felt relief because I knew something was missing in our relationship but didn’t know what. We were the perfect couple to everyone we knew, but it didn’t feel that way to me, so there was relief. I then walked to the beach (it was January in Canada) and I screamed as loud and as long as I could and then did it again. I came home and threw photos, frames, glass and all down the basement stairs where my husband had been sent. It took me days to cry the anger was so in my face, I remember asking God what else he was going to throw at me as I had been through so much. I typed out a separation agreement and made him sign it at 4 in the morning, after cleaning up the glass so he could get up the stairs. I woke up a few hours later went to town and bought all new bedding, a new bed, and started redesigning my bedroom – and yes, he paid for it.”

“I started losing my peripheral vision and it felt like my world started spinning on its axis a little bit differently. I went into shock for about a week where it felt like I couldn’t eat or sleep. I also had to be responsible for my 2 and 4-year-old daughters. They knew I was in pain. I couldn’t hide it and I knew they needed to know that I was hurting and that also no matter what I would never leave them or betray them. They didn’t know why of course. And now I am a different person and the person I was before is dead. There are some silver linings in that and also some tragedies.”

“I felt like I had been set on fire.”

“My vision narrowed as if I were in a tunnel, my heart stopped yet beat so hard at the same time, my stomach dropped yet I brought up lunch, my thoughts were racing yet I couldn’t think of anything to say.”

“I literally fell on my knees while screaming like someone very close died. I was shaking and didn’t feel my hands. I felt a deep pain in my heart.”

“Broken the first time…Shattered the next time I caught him texting her. That’s all it took.”

“I felt like I had been hit by a Mack truck and as soon as I stood up, it would hit again and again.”

“I was gutted shocked and so hurt, nauseous and my chest ached so bad but then In another sense not really surprised because of past traumas and some red flags that I had ignored.”

“The panic of a free fall hits and then the weight of the devastation crushes you, heart and soul.”

“Absolutely reality fragmenting, painful, devastating. Worse than death.”

“I can honestly say it was the worst thing that I had ever experienced. I’ve lost loved ones but they get Ill and die but not on purpose. It’s the fact it happened and didn’t need to—with death, we lose a future with someone. With betrayal, we lose our history too. I’ve had 2 miscarriages and the pain from that was horrible but this infidelity was much worse as it was inflicted on me x”

“…agree totally. I’ve lost 4 babies which was devastating and I thought would be the worst thing I’d ever go through. However, they didn’t choose to hurt me and that was the difference. Knowing that someone did something on purpose that they knew would devastate you. I would also say it was like losing the ground from beneath your feet. If the person you trusted most in the world can betray you then nothing is safe.”

“Yes, when I grabbed his phone to take to him and there was an alert. I remember looking at it and swirling in slow motion then my whole body went numb. It was cloudy out and I can still remember the colour of the cars near me, I couldn’t breathe felt like the world was spinning and I am pretty sure I floated to the baseball game and stood there for 3 games with my mind racing. It all sucks for us!!!!!”

“I felt like an atom bomb had gone off in my life! Everything I thought I knew and had was destroyed in a moment.”

“Stunned shock and disbelief. My whole world crashing down around my ears; palpitations; anger; sadness and a strong desire to run away and hide.”

“My whole body started to violently shake, I heard someone far away screaming the word NO………it was me!”

“The ground opened up and I literally felt like I was falling into a dark, swirling abyss…I could not comprehend what I was hearing from his mouth as he told me about his cheating. It was the most devastating and surreal experience of my life. 27 years of a solid, loving marriage—sliced apart and severed along with my heart. The next few days were a blur … We are just 3 years past D-day this past weekend … and the day still hit me—harder than I thought it would. We are doing so much better… but the healing journey continues…”

“I felt like I was nothing I was hurt, angry, my heart hurt, actually was painful. Couldn’t sleep, or eat, I worked all the time to try to keep my mind busy. It still hurts. Has been 25 years.”

“To me…. it was like losing everything and everyone you knew and loved all at once…. nothing seemed real or right…. like being picked up and taken away from everything that kept you grounded all at once…. nothing left normal or right……. couldn’t focus on work, that use to ground me, sleep nope, kids nope, eating nope…… nothing felt right or safe.”

“It completely broke my soul. I’ll never be the same person I was ever again. I’ll never love as pure and hard again. I’ll always doubt myself, feelings and reality. Love as I thought I knew it, never existed.”

“I knew I didn’t really want to die, but I didn’t want to live, either. It was complete cognitive dissonance.”

“My Body started going cold. Top of my head on down to my feet. Traumatic Shock…”

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Published on June 23, 2022 20:07

May 31, 2022

Cleaning Out The Wound

Dave’s a surfer, he could spend hours in a lineup waiting for his chance to pull into the perfect barrel. Over the years he’s had his fair share of reef kisses. Most parts of his body have either been grazed, scratched, pierced or cut by some form of marine matter. Sea Urchins and broken bits of coral can really cause havoc if they splinter off and become embedded under the skin.

The tiniest shard can go undetected for a while, but over time—even after the skin has sealed over and the surface looks fine—it grows increasingly painful, then as the wound festers and infection sets in, it becomes obvious that there is something going on beneath. Something is causing the angry red inflammatory response and needs to come out, we might not be able to see it initially, but we can sure feel it . The only way to fix this problem is for the fragment to come to the surface and be removed completely.

This is no different when it comes to the lies of betrayal and infidelity.

When someone who has been unfaithful is caught out—it is common for them to minimise, understate, deflect or just simply keep on lying. They might give bare details in an explanation and attempt to appease the partner who has made the discovery but it is highly uncommon for them to tell the whole truth upfront. The full truth is quite likely to be a tad more shocking, right? They’ll probably be thinking along the lines of, “If I can just get through this one, the rest will remain hidden, I won’t do it again and my significant other will never know.”

Not likely—the pieces that have been omitted will remain as hidden as that minute piece of sea urchin in Dave’s foot! It’ll fester away and there’ll always be some other reason for the distance, the tiredness, the apathy, the grumpiness, the arguments, the disconnection, or the lack of interest a betrayed partner feels. Of course this ambivalence may not be evident at first—in fact, it could be quite the opposite—but eventually there’ll be a simmering beneath the surface, a discomfort, the “walking on eggshells” feeling. We know how this unfolds, drip, drip drip The unfaithful will be gaslighting you to protect their secrets, this takes loads of energy and leaves little for an authentic loving relationship, not to mention a lack of safety.

Permanent withholding will always be a permanent deficiency in the relationship, an obstacle to the love that could have been
JOHN POWELL

Here are a few reasons the unfaithful might with-hold information.

SHAME—I am a bad person, as opposed to I have done something bad. FEAR—My partner will leave me if they know the truth, no one will love me if they know who I really am (loops back to shame). PAIN—I’ve hurt someone I love dearly and I don’t want to cause them any more pain. (BTW someone who discloses their infidelity before getting caught, may be a little more forthcoming with details and truth, yet they still may struggle with offering a full disclosure)

These are all valid reasons but trust me, they serve no purpose for a couple aiming towards reconciliation. The facts must faced and the truth needs to be told. PERIOD!

Whether you go through this process by yourselves or engage a therapist to assist with a full therapeutic disclosure is entirely up to you but my recommendation is that you receive professional guidance in understanding what’s involved and assistance in timelines and questioning.

The betrayed needs enough detail to get a clear picture of what’s happened, how they were deceived without gory details burning more traumatic imagery than is already there and certainly no more than is absolutely necessary—remember, THERE IS NO BLEACH FOR THE BRAIN!

Often the decision is dependant on funds, history, extent of betrayal and importantly the willingness of the unfaithful partner. Polygraphs are necessary in some cases.

None of it is easy.

Dear Unfaithful, if you’re still in dispute over the necessity for your Dearest Betrayed to know the absolute truth, I have one question for you.

If you had a malignant tumour in your neck and the specialist told you that your best chance of survival was to have it completely surgically removed—would you want them to leave any behind?

If you are serious about saving your relationship and desire to thrive after infidelity, you got to give it a fighting chance—this begins with safety and truth, not trust.

Trust will come later but for now the foundation needs to be built on a solid bedrock of safety and truth!

To quote Brenè Brown, “Choose courage over comfort”.

I’m rallying for you, I know you can do this!

Noni XXX

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Published on May 31, 2022 23:23

April 22, 2022

The Secret Sexual Basement

What the heck is this you may ask?

The last three years have been quite the learning curve for us as we explore the complexities of infidelity, secrets, lies, duality, and narcissistic abusive behaviours.

It’s a learning curve that I never imagined I’d be on—in saying this—I’m thankful that both Dave and I possess a growth mindset that has worked well for us, especially in recovery.

So now as I prepare to launch Affair Recovery Counselling, I’m diving deep, not only out of personal interest but also from a clinical perspective, and I’ve come across some of the most fascinating discoveries.

One is this metaphor of the Secret Sexual Basement by Dr Omar Minwalla, it helps us to understand intimate betrayal and the trauma associated with it.

I guarantee that I’m going to fail to do justice trying to explain what the SSB is myself, but I’ll give it a shot and if you want you can listen on the Helping Couples Heal (pt 1) podcast. Even if you’re not impacted by infidelity yourself, his model is certainly enlightening for understanding betrayal trauma.

If you’ve read our story you’ll know that we had years and cycles of crazy-making behaviour. Years of me and the kids knowing that something was “off” but not being able to put a finger on it—the Secret Sexual Basement (pt 2) has made perfect sense of our experience, and with remarkable accuracy. It’s like Dr Minwalla has illuminated a brilliant spotlight on another overlooked aspect of infidelity. He has a couple of great acronyms that may become part of the DSM5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) IAD—Integrity Abuse Disorder and DCSR—Deceptive Compartmentalized Sexual-Relational Reality, he gives in-depth descriptions in the podcasts.

Here’s my abridged version of the SSB

There’s a house where the family live, Mum, Dad, kids, pets etc and in the house, normal life happens. There’s work, sport, church, celebrations, social life yadda yadda yadda, it all looks good and regular, just like everyone else in the community. No one from the outside would suspect that there is anything unusual about this family. But let’s say Dad (could be anyone but I’ll just use Dad as an example) decides he is going to build a basement that no one else is going to know about, it’s just for himself, somewhere for him to disappear to and visit when he wants—maybe it’s his own secret mancave? Not even his own family know that he’s going to build it. Anyway, in this secret place, he seeks pornography, emotional affairs, sexual acting out, prostitutes, online sexual/romantic chats etc. He’s messing with/altering the foundations of the home, this in itself becomes destabilising and traumatic. (pt 3).

At no time has he said, “Honey I’m thinking about building a special space for myself and this is what I want to use it for, what are your thoughts?”

The fact that he has done this without consulting the family is the very beginning of abuse. Why? Because once he has begun to plan this secret basement it is the beginning of deception and once he has gone down into the basement which is pretty dark, he will come up different. The family begin to sense that things are a little off, but of course, the basement world is secret and compartmentalized so they are unsure of what it is that they’re feeling. The gaslighting, manipulation, deflecting, withholding, defensiveness, minimisation and lying start—a cycle of psychological, emotional and relational abuse. Basement activities invoke feelings of deep shame and this shame sticks to the person who visits remaining with them when they go back upstairs.

It’s light and dark…

As a therapist and betrayal abuse victim, I believe that all acting out behaviours must be addressed with compassion and understanding.

Most unfaithful partners are willing to own the affairs or acting out yet are reluctant to label their actions as abusive. I get that, however we miss a vital part of recovery by overlooking the serious impact someones secret sexual basement-dwelling has on everyones’ life above floor level.

It’s not so much how often one goes down to the basement, it’s the fact that the basement even exists at all!

Makes good sense to me.

Noni XXX

P.S. Hey friend if you’re reading this and you can relate to any part, please reach out, you’re not crazy, you’re not alone, your feelings are valid and your well-being and safety is important. Denial is not a place you want stay…

DR OMAR MINWALLA—THE SECRET SEXUAL BASEMENT

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