Neil Sharpson's Blog, page 3

“Please. Don’t be boring.”

It’s not a job I’d want as a writer, I’ll tell you that much.

Trying to write the first movie about a black Captain America in such a viciously polarised time is a hell of a poisoned chalice and I don’t envy the approximately eighteen thousand screenwriters who worked on Captain America: Brave New World. What does it mean for a black man to represent America given, y’know, the whole business? That has to be delved into right?

Or does it? Is it fair to insist that Sam Wilson has to make some great serious statement on The Issue of Race, when you would never ask that of Steve Rogers? Shouldn’t Sam Wilson just be able to be Captain America without it being a whole thing?

Personally, and this is just my instinct as a writer, I would have focused on winning the crowd over in the first movie with a really kickass Captain America movie and keep the heavy stuff for further movies down the line once Wilson/Mackie had been accepted by a critical mass of the fanbase as the new Cap.

I don’t know how I would have done that exactly.

I can tell you one thing: I wouldn’t have done this.

This being a stealth sequel to 2008’s The Incredible Hulk where Captain America feels like a supporting character in his own damn movie.

The film opens with Thaddeus Ross (Harrison Ford replacing John Hurt) nervously waiting to step onstage and give his acceptance speech after winning the presidency. Now, much as I love Ford, he’s the opposite of a Philip Seymour Hoffman or an Alan Rickman. If he doesn’t think the movie’s worth his time, he will phone it in so hard that he crashes the telecom system. Which is why I’m actually kinda shocked by how good he is in this. Seriously, this may be one of my favourite late period Ford performances. He gives a genuinely compelling portrayal of a deeply flawed but fundamentally decent man trying to do the best for his country as he grapples with the sins of his past and his estrangement from his daughter. The problem is, he kinda ends up stealing the show. Sam Wilson’s role in the story is so static and functional (Mackie is doing alright but honestly, he’s been better as Sam in other movies) that Ross kind of ends up becoming the protagonist by default.

So it’s a few months later and Sam is tracking down a terrorist named Sidewinder and his organisation Serpent, which is this movie’s version of The Serpent Society. In the comics they’re a colourful gang of snake themed villains, here they are a bunch of dudes with guns because the modern-day set Captain America movies, even at their best, have always been somewhat allergic to joy. We also are introduced (technically re-introduced) to Joaquin Torres, the new Falcon, who manages to break the world speed record for making me utterly loathe a character. He swoops down, knocks three of the terrorists onto the ground and then shoots one in cold blood as he tries to stagger to his feet, and then does a little smug dance at how cool he is. So…remember this bit from Falcon and the Winter Soldier (let’s be honest, probably the one part you do remember from that show).

Y’know, the part where John Walker murdered an unarmed terrorist with symbolism? I’m not one of those “John Walker did nothing wrong” lunatics, I’m just saying there seems to be a bit of protagonist-centred morality at play here. I actually wondered if I was over-reacting and that maybe he just shot him with a stun blast or something but according to the MCU wiki:

Maybe one of those “non-lethal” machine guns?

And look, I’m perfectly aware that if this was, I dunno, Thor twatting a Chitauri I wouldn’t bat an eye but…when it’s a representative of the US government just casually shooting a man on the ground and then doing a little Fortnite dance, that feels really gross to me.

Also, we got to talk about the dialogue in this thing. Here’s an actual exchange between Captain America and one of the Serpents before they throw down.

“The Captain America I dreamed of beating was bigger than you.”

“I’m happy to disappoint.”

“I bet you break easy”

“Not that easy”

I have heard children playing super heroes in a playground come up with better fight banter than that. Anyway, Cap and Falcon defeat the terrorists, save some hostages and recover a mysterious canister that they stole while it was en route from Japan to America. Sidewinder escapes, however, and Cap learns that Serpent were supposed to hand the canister off to their employer who never showed up.

After the mission, Torres asks Sam to help him learn some moves and Sam takes him to meet his trainer, the second Captain America, Isaiah Bradley. Sam gets a call from Ross inviting him to the White House and asks Bradley to come with him. Bradley doesn’t want to go, a), because he doesn’t like Ross and b) because of the whole “being locked up for 30 years and experimented on by the federal government” thing but Sam convinces him to go.

We then get a weird ass scene where Sam, Isaiah and Joaquin are in a limo, travelling to the White House, and just keep stating stuff like how they’re in a limo. And going to the White House. It’s like someone just turned on the audio description for the blind and chronically oblivious.

Arriving at the White House, Ross takes Sam aside. Sam is surprised to find that Ross seems like an entirely different person. I mean obviously he’s a different person…oh, by the way, want to see the stupidest headline in history?

Oh gee. I wonder why.

But no, what I mean is that Ross is respectful and humble and downright chill in a way he never was before. He asks Sam to reform the Avengers, pretty much admits he was wrong about the need for superheroes and tells him he wants to work with him to represent all Americans. And, I realise this is probably just current events colouring my reaction but there is something so fucking wholesome about this that I can’t help but love this scene.

We’re also introduced to Ruth Bat-Seraph, better known from the comics as the Israeli superhero Sabra whose inclusion feels like a choice. Sabra in the comics is a Mossad agent and has always been something of a lightning rod of controversy. I don’t necessarily object to her being depicted onscreen but what strikes me as weird is that we have an Israeli character who’s shown as the US President’s chief of security and a former black widow. So now, every time she’s onscreen I’m thinking “she’s a foreign national trained by a notorious cabal of Russian assassins, how the HELL did she get clearance for this job when the Secret Service won’t even hire non-Americans?”

There are absolutely scads of tough female super spies in the comics who would fit this role. Abigail Brand. Jessica Drew. Victoria Hand (yeah I know she died in Agents of SHIELD but are we even still pretending that show was canon to the MCU?). My point is, it’s one thing to include her if it makes logical sense for the story. It’s another thing to go to the trouble of including this character when her mere presence has me constantly going “wait, how does that even make sense”? Like I said, it feels like a choice.

Ross gives a presentation to all the assembled dignitaries on the subject of Celestial Island, the dead alien sticking out of the Earth’s crust that was introduced in The Eternals. Ross tells them that a new metal has been discovered, one that is “even more indestructible” than vibranium.

He then tells us the name of this new wonder metal: ADAMANTIUM.

“OH WOW! PRETTY COOL, RIGHT?”“Are you honestly expecting me to stand up and cheer for a fucking metal?”

Also, how the fuck is this going to work? If this is literally the first time adamantium appears in this world then the earliest Wolverine can get his claws and lose his memory is 2024. His losing his memory won’t have any long-term impact. He can just piece the details of his life back together with social media.

Anyway, the first sample of refined adamantium was what was in the canister recovered by Sam and Joaquin so everyone’s happy…until Mr. Blue by the Fleetwoods plays over the speakers (ha! I get it) and several people in the crowd go berserk and start attacking Ross. And, unfortunately, one of them is Isaiah Bradley.

Isaiah makes a run for it and escapes the White House with Sam in hot pursuit. The old man has no memory of what just happened and pleads with Sam not to be sent back to jail. The scene of Isaiah being being dragged away by the cops and begging them not to ruin the suit he was married in is genuinely affecting and highlights just how all over the place the writing quality is in this movie.

Case in point, our next scene is Sam angrily barging into the underground facility where the President is in lockdown, actually physically forcing his way past security. Which is so stupid. Firstly, there has just been an assassination attempt by people who had full security clearance, so aggressively making a beeline for POTUS is really not a good look right now. Secondly, this whole thing is framed like Sam going in to give Ross a piece of his damn mind but…what exactly did Ross do? He got shot at. By Sam’s plus one! Why is Sam mad at Ross?! And then Ruth comes into the room and Sam’s all “can we have a minute?”

No Sam. There’s just been an assassination attempt by someone closely linked to you and you just strong-armed your way into a secure area to get close to the President. HIS CHIEF OF SECURITY IS NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU A MINUTE. And I really feel that someone like Sam Wilson, who’s spent most of his life in the military, should know this stuff.

Famously the movie was reshot more times than Tupac Shakur, and this feels like two quite different drafts coming into conflict.

Sam says that Isaiah would never try to kill the president, Ruth points out that he did, in full view of several witnesses.

Sam says that Isaiah had no motive, Ruth points out that the US Federal government destroyed his life.

Sam says that he wants to uncover the truth about what happened, Ross points out that a criminal investigation carried out by the prime suspect’s best friend is compromised by definition and then he calls Sam “son” because the writers need something to make Ross unsympathetic and distract us from the fact that literally everything Sam has done and said since the start of this scene has been dumb and stupid.

Sam is fired from being Captain America (or not, it’s actually really unclear in the dialogue) and decides to investigate the shooting himself. He and Joaquin figure out that Sidewinder’s buyer from Mexico has been behind all this, and used flashing lights on Isaiah’s phone to mind control him. Sam gets attacked by Sidewinder and beats him, only for his phone to go off. A mysterious voice tells Sam that he won’t like what’s coming next (truth in advertising). Back at their headquarters (which I’m going to call the Americave), Sam fills Joaquin in on Sidewinder’s attack in a scene that’s unintentionally hilarious to me. Maybe it’s the Americave’s “small tech-startup” vibe or Mackie’s vaguely annoyed reaction to being almost killed by a global terrorist but it’s just so funny when Sam says “Sidewinder tracked me down”. It’s like they’re bitching about that one co-worker they both hate.

“Guess who I ran into? Karen from HR.”
“Oh JOY.”
“Mhm-hm.”

Joaquin traces Sidewinder’s last call and tracks it to a secret military installation called Echo One, which Sam says is a place “they send you and you never leave”. So that’s something we’ve normalised.

They reach Echo One and meet the real mastermind behind all this, Samuel Sterns.

This is why you have to check the ingredients on the shampoo bottle.

Sterns tells them that Ross has been holding him prisoner for 16 years which is how long it’s been since The Incredible Hulk came out. But, given the Endgame time skip and the fact that this movie has to take place a few months after the Presidential election of 2026, that means that it’s been more like 19 years. So apparently this dude is smart enough to predict the future to a decimal point but not smart enough to read a calendar. It’s such a fumble too, saying “he locked me up for almost twenty years” hits so much harder.

Anyway, Sterns reveals that he was aiding Ross all through his presidential campaign with the understanding that Ross would pardon him once he became president. But, obviously, Ross realised that when you pardon a man who looks like he was spliced with broccoli, people are prone to ask awkward questions like “Who is this man? Why does he look like broccoli? Why are you pardoning him? What was his actual crime? You were holding him for how long? But he got a trial? He didn’t? Why not? Can we re-do the election?” and so forth. So he welched on the deal and kept Sterns locked up. Sterns tells Sam that Ross knows all of this and is still allowing Isaiah to take the rap and face a death penalty (although how he can be even considered for capital punishment for a mere attempted murder, even on the President, is more than I can explain). I suppose they might try and pin a treason charge on him…fuck it, doesn’t matter. Stern tells them that this is all his plan to get pretty fucking justified diabolical revenge on Ross and leaves them to fight some mooks he prepared earlier. After defeating said mooks, Sam finds some pills that Sterns was apparently giving Ross for a heart condition and sends them off to be tested.

Meanwhile, Ross is in Japan trying to salvage a treaty with the Japanese government to prevent a scramble for adamantium. But Sterns has given the Japanese false intel that the US was behind the theft at their mine and the Japanese have decided to just grab as much dead Celestial as they can.

Sterns mind controls two US jet pilots and tries to get them to do a reverse Pearl Harbour but Cap and Falcon arrive and save the day (yay!) but Falcon gets horribly injured (yay!).

At the hospital as he waits by Joaquin’s bedside for the Grime Reaper to stop being such a pussy and do what needs to be done, he’s approached by Bucky…sorry, by the FUCKING CONGRESSMAN FROM THE GREAT STATE OF NEW YORK JAMES BUCHANAN BARNES.

And I wish I still lived in a reality where I had the right to mock that as being ridiculous.

Sam confesses to Bucky his feelings of inadequacy, saying that he thinks Steve made the wrong choice giving him the shield. Bucky replies that Steve gave people something to believe in, but that Sam gives them something to aspire to. And I can’t help but notice that you could have swopped those around and it would have made about as much sense.

The pills that Sam had tested turn out to be loaded with gamma radiation and can I just point out that I worry that thanks to Marvel a large majority of the population no longer realises that gamma radiation is a real thing. Anyway, Sterns turns himself into the military police for…no fucking reason at all, that I can see. He wants to let the media know the truth about Ross but allowing himself to be arrested seems to me the worst way of doing that. Just Wikileaks that shit. Anyway, he unveils his final plan to destroy Ross’ legacy: he turns him into Red Hulk while he’s giving a press conference.

Which would be a pretty cool reveal if it hadn’t been spoiled by the trailers, the posters and every word to come out of Harrison Ford’s ornery mouth. Red Hulk goes on a rampage and Sam arrives to fight him. He lures Ross to a street lined with cherry blossom trees where he used to take his daughter Betty and that proves to be enough to calm him down and end the fight. That is some Batman versus Superman: Dawn of Justice level writing there.

“Save…blossoms…”

Ross de-hulks and is taken into custody. We get the nice escapist fantasy of an obviously criminal president being removed from office without much fuss or to do. Isaiah is freed, Torres is invited to join the Avengers (boooo) and Ross is visited by his daughter Betty in jail and they reconcile so that’s nice, I guess.

***

Increasingly, the bar to clear for MCU movies is whether Spouse of Mouse was able to stay awake until the end and, I must report with regret, she was out like a light by the end of the first act.

Scoring

Adaptation: 07/25

The making of this film was, by all accounts, an absolute shit show and all the signs are there. The story seems at once too simple and yet has too many moving parts, character motivation is all over the place. It’s just a mess.

Our Heroic Heroes: 14/25

Mackie struggles to bring his usual mega-watt charisma to a script that just does not know what to do with him or his character. He feels very much like a supporting player in his own story and that’s a crime.

Our Nefarious Villain: 12/25

Tim Blake Nelson is a damn good actor and he’s not un-menacing as The Leader, and the design is actually a pretty cool and gruesome translation of the comic design. But the whole concept of a villain who can predict every future event with perfect accuracy just rewards bad writing. I can see how he might be a dark horse favourite for some viewers but he just didn’t grab me.

Our Plucky Sidekicks: 08/25

Real mixed bag here. Harrison Ford is genuinely the best thing in the movie. I loathe the new Falcon, I just want to punch this guy in the face.

The Stinger

Sam visits Sterns in jail who taunts him that he may have saved this world but what’s he going to do about the other worlds, oooooooohh.

And the audience went…

Hey, you remember this absolutely classic little bit of internet comedy from a century ago?

This scene feels like that, but for Marvel stingers. That’s how fucking boilerplate it is.

FINAL SCORE: 41%

NEXT UPDATE: 26 June 2025

NEXT TIME: Hey, remember when “Jack Black is in this” didn’t sound like a threat?

The Swan Princess (1994)

There really should be a sub-genre for animators who left Disney during the eighties all ready to set up their own animation studio with blackjack and hookers…only for Disney to get their groove back with The Little Mermaid and eat them alive. We all know of Don Bluth, of course, the one who came closest to unseating the Mouse from its throne. And we’ve also met Phil Nibbelink. Well today we’re going to look at another of these would-be contenders; Richard Rich:

So how’s this for some animation bona fides: Richard Rich was the director of not one but two Disney animated features.

Those features were The Fox and the Hound and The Black Cauldron.

Now now, let’s be fair. Disney in the mid-to-late eighties was in its most hellish creative funk since World War Two. The kind of hellish creative funk that would not be seen again until the early 2000s and…now. Of all the hellish creative funks Disney has been in I’d rank it…somewhere in the middle. Bad times, anyway. Disillusioned by working on Oliver & Company (as anyone would be) he left in 1986, convinced that the old studio was a goner and that nothing could ever change that.

Oops.

After a stint in the desert making religious animation for the Church of Latter Day Saints, Rich watched the Disney Renaissance take off and decided to make his play for the crown with The Swan Princess, an animated re-telling of the ballet Swan Lake, without any actual ballet (thank Christ). Made on a paltry budget of 20 million dollars, it was worked on for four long years before being released in 1994, where it had to compete against The Lion King. The result was pretty much what would happen if you pitted a real swan against an actual lion, but it did have an extremely healthy second life on video. It’s not the worst of the Disney-chasers of this era, nor is it close to being the best. But it is significant for one very important reason. This was the last feature length, cinematically released animated motion picture that was created entirely by hand. Not a single cel of this was touched by the infernal machine. So let me be clear, no matter what I think of this movie…

So remember when I said that The Swan Princess did gangbusters on video? Well, that probably explains why this thing has eleven feckin’ sequels. Obviously, I’m not going to be covering them all here but I did come across one or two interesting factoids about them. One of them is that in all approximately eighteen hours of the Swan Princess Cinematic Universe they never get around to telling us the name of the kingdom where all this nonsense is supposed to be happening. There’s references to places like “Colchester” so presumably this is somewhere in Britain but I honestly have no idea.

Anyway, we begin with the birth of the Princess Odette in the Kingdom of Filenotfound where she is presented to her proud father, King William who proceeds to show her off to the cheering commoners.

Odette’s mother, is never seen or even heard of in this movie, although apparently the eleventh movie in the series, A Fairy Tale is Born, revealed that her name was Queen Aubri and that she died giving birth to Odette.

Which, as you can imagine, casts this scene in a rather grisly light.

“Yes, my wife is lying dead in the next room but my line’s secure! That’s all that matters!” “HOOORAY! WE LOVE OUR KING! YAAAAY!”

Nobles come from all around to pay homage to the young princess, including the king’s good friend Queen Umberta and her young son Prince Derek. And we get a scene of Derek seeing the baby Odette that I’m going to be generous and call an homage to Sleeping Beauty.

William and Umberta decide that they want to unite their kingdoms and that the best way to do this would be to have Derek and Odette marry. I’ve seen reviews asking why William and Umberta don’t just marry each other and save all the hassle but I don’t actually think this is a plothole. If they marry, then both thrones will descend to their eldest child (Derek), cutting Odette completely out of the line of succession. Derek and Odette marrying means both family lines continue to rule. So thats perfectly sensible in a fucked up medieval kind of way. What’s less sensible is that they decide to have both children spend lots of time together so that they’ll fall in love and I think the Westermarck effect will have something to say about that.

While all that’s going on, however, we meet our villain, Rothbart, an evil sorceror voiced by Jack Palance. And that sounds like a great idea right? Unfortunately, Rothbart is probably the most mismanaged element of the whole film. Firstly, the name. That’s not the movie’s fault, of course, Rothbart is the villain of the original ballet but still. Rothbart. We’re already starting in debt. Second, let’s look at this design:

He doesn’t even look particularly evil. This is a design for a comically inept mad scientist. And the movie seems to have no idea what kind of villain he’s supposed to be. Brooding and menacing? Funny and manic? Tragic and misunderstood? The film tries a different mode with every scene he appears in and none of it works. None of it. I don’t know why no one caught basic stuff like “having the villain constantly refer to his arch-enemy the king as “Willie” just sucks any sense of threat out of the character”. It’s head-scratchingly incompetant.

Anyway, operation “Most Awkward Sleepover Ever” is put into effect and we get a montage of the two kids getting to hate each other to the tune of This Is My Idea, our first song which I actually like quite a bit. It’s a little bit “poor man’s Belle” but it skips along merrily and some of the lyrics are good for a chuckle, like when the commoners sing:

At least we’d get a holiday to rest our ploughs and axes
Someday these two will marry
Two lands will be united
And with some luck their marriage may result in lower taxes.

Odette and Derek continue to loathe each other until one day when they meet and suddenly realise that they’re both hot. I wish I was being facetious but it’s really that basic. An engagement is announced and the two dance before the court in a scene that I shall be generous and call an homage to Sleeping Beauty.

But Odette calls the marriage off when Derek says that he wants to marry her because she’s beautiful and can’t actually articulate a single other virtue that she possesses. And I would judge him more harshly if I could either.

She’s…good at poker? Sure, that’s a personality.

So William and Odette return home and Derek gets pilloried by his sarcastic older courtier Rogers, who I will be pretty fucking generous and call an homage to Grimsby from The Little Mermaid.

I do like Rogers, he gives excellent sass.

Odette and her father are ambushed by Rothbart in the form of a gargoyle. One of William’s soldiers is able to reach Derek’s castle and warn the prince who races after them and finds William dying and Odette vanished. William’s last words to Derek are “We were attacked by a great animal. It’s not what it seems. Odette is gone” and peaces out to be with his beloved wife in the afterlife who will presumably have some pretty choice words for him.

Meanwhile, Odette’s been transformed into a swan and taken to a lake near Rothbart’s castle. He tells her that she can turn back into a human if she’s on the lake and the moon is shining on the lake but once the moon stops shining on the lake she’ll turn back into a swan. Rothbart tells Odette he wants her father’s kingdom and so she must marry him or be a swan forever. She, naturally, chooses swanhood.

Meanwhile, get this, Derek has gone fucking insane and convinced himself that not only is Odette still alive but that he’ll find her if he finds the “Great Animal” because beasts of the jungle take fucking hostages now, apparently. To prepare for his new life as Animal Punisher, he forces the court musicians to dress up as animals so that he can practice firing his (non-lethal) arrows at them. This is the kind of shit Nero used to do.

Meanwhile, it’s time to meet our Princess’ coterie of talking animal sidekicks; Jean-Bob the frog, voiced by John Cleese doing his French Knight voice and Speed the tortoise voiced by Stephen Wright doing his Stephen Wright voice. Jean-Bob wants Odette to kiss him so that he’ll turn into a Prince, but Odette refuses because in order to break the spell she must only kiss the man she loves.

“What? I never said that.”“Shutupshutupshutup…”

Undeterred by her refusal (he is a French cartoon, after all) Jean-Bob tries to get some flowers for her by pole-vaulting over the crocodile infested moat around Rothbart’s castle. The thing about this movie is that there is precious little plot so a lot of the film is time killing nonsense like this. That said, there is some genuinely charming Looney Tunes-esque animation in this sequence and I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t love it.

Anyway, after explaining to Jean-Bob that she totally would kiss him but…y’know…she launches into Far Longer Than Forever, the movie’s signature song. Like most of the songs in this it’s competent without being stunning. Interestingly, David Zipple (the lyricist) went on to write songs for Mulan and Hercules so clearly he had the stuff. There is honestly a lot of talent on display in this film it’s just not quite cohering.

Oh yeah, something that bugs me about this song. It kind of makes Odette seem like a massive hypocrite. The song is all about how Derek is her one true love and that he’ll rescue her, but she shit-canned him for not being able to think of any reason that he loved her apart from her beauty. So here’s my question: Why does she love him? Because Derek is the biggest himbo in all creation and if he has some hidden qualities that won Odette’s heart we never seen them. So we kinda have to assume that Odette’s love for Derek is every bit as superficial and based on appearance as his is for her.

The song is interrupted by the arrival of our last (and least!) comic relief character, a puffin named Puffin (brilliant) voiced with a clock-stopping Oirish accent by Steven Vinovich. And between this guy and the evil Irish nuns from last time I am in fierce danger of being radicalised.

Anyway, after she explains the curse to Puffin, he suggests that she flies away and finds Derek and lures him back to Rothbart’s castle so that he can see her transform and break the curse. She says she doesn’t know where he Derek is, because she doesn’t even know where she is, and after 12 movies that still won’t have changed.

Anyway, the animals launch a daring heist on Rothbart’s castle to get a map that will show them where they are and Odette and Puffin fly off to find Derek.

Derek meanwhile, has been doing meticulous research by reading every random book in the royal library and has decided that King William’s last words about the “Great Animal” not being what it seems means that the creature is a shapeshifter than can assume the form of literally any animal. Which is obviously a buck wild leap of deduction but would also mean that Derek’s hope of finding Odette is zero unless he’s willing to go through the kingdom literally killing every creature he finds.

God he’s dumb.

Derek searches a nearby forest and sees Odette in swan form and growls “A swan! Of course!”

He’s just saying what we’re all thinking. It’s always these bastards.

He instantly assumes that this random waterfowl is the monster who abducted his love and tries to shoot her. And Jesus Christ, Rich, if you’re trying to compete with Disney maybe don’t make a movie where the Princess almost gets shot by the Prince. You’d never see Disney doing that.

Oh wait.

So, fleeing for her very life from her lover who’s trying to kill her…

…Odette flies back to Rothbart’s castle with Derek in hot pursuit. As the moon rises her friends try to persuade her to fly out on to the lake so she can transform and she’s all “yeah…I think he’s a psychopath now who just shoots swans for fun, maybe he’s not #goals”. She flies down anyway and he does very nearly shoot her but then she transforms in a lovely piece of animation.

She fills him in on what’s been happening and he tells her to come to the ball that his mother is hosting to find another princess for him to marry. He says he’ll profess his love for her in front of the whole court which will break the spell. He peaces out but Rothbart has overheard the whole thing and plots to disguise his hench-wench, Bridget, as Odette so that Derek will profess his love to her instead which will kill the real Odette. You know, we never get a scene where we see Rothbart actually laying the curse on Odette because with all these caveats and contingencies it would probably take half the runtime.

“Section 8, Paragraph 9: All parties to the curse agree that public holidays shall not count towards the periods of time specified in Paragraph 7 of this section without the prior written consent of all relevant parties…”

Bridget shows up at the ball disguised as Odette in a black dress, to the shock of the Queen who believed her to be dead. She and Derek start dancing.

Meanwhile, Odette has turned back into a swan and has been imprisoned in a dungeon by Rothbart but is broken loose by Jean-Bob, Speed and Puffin. Odette flies to the castle to stop the prince professing his love to someone who’s used magic to impersonate her in a scene I shall be generous and call a complete fucking rip off of The Little Mermaid.

Now, I’m sure you realise where this is going? Obviously, because Derek at first only loved Odette for her beauty, he has since learned to see past that to her true worth as a human being, and so he’s able to pierce Rothbart’s cunning ruse?

No. He does not do that. He thinks that Bridget is the real Odette and professes his love to her.

Rothbart shows up to gloat and tells Derek that Odette will soon die. The Prince races back to Rothbart’s castle where he finds Odette dying and having turned back to human form. For some reason. Derek tells her that the the vow was made for her so really, it should count, and dude, you fucked up. You had one job and you fucked up. At least own it.

Rothbart shows up to gloat and Derek demands that he save Odette’s life and Rothbart agrees if he defeats him in battle because it’s a knock off Disney movie from the nineties and we need our giant monster fight. And Rothbart turns into a massive green winged bat in a scene that I will be generous and call OH MY GOD RICHARD RICH YOU WHORE.

Anyway, Derek may be a shallow idiot himbo but he is good at killing animals and so defeats Rothbart quite handily. Odette is suddenly not dying, she decides that maybe it’s time to lower her standards and they get married. And I’m sure they’ll have many more adventures, each more beautiful than the last.

Shudder.

***

Scoring

Animation: 14/20

Whatever else you may say about his film output, never doubt that Richard Rich had the goods as an animator.

Leads: 05/20

There’s a reason that Sleeping Beauty isn’t actually about the Prince and the Princess.

Villain: 02/20

You’d think the guy who directed The Black Cauldron would know how to create a menacing villain.

Supporting Characters: 09/20

John Cleese could have been Zazu. He chose this instead because he thought Jean-Bob was a more interesting character.

Music: 11/20

Couple of halfway decent songs. For a low budget Disney wannabe from the nineties that’s a bloody miracle.

FINAL SCORE: 41%

NEXT UPDATE: Argh I’m working on a really, really exciting writing project that I can’t…tell…you about but I’ll be back 12 June 2025

NEXT TIME: Oh brave new world! That has such people in’t!

Pan (2015)

Old lags on this blog know, from my review of Disney’s Peter Pan written way back in the Hadean Epoch, that JM Barrie’s Peter and Wendy is one of my favourite books of all time. By a strange coincidence, I recently finished reading it to Mini-Mouse (my first full read-through in around fifteen years) and I was once more struck by how achingly beautiful it is purely as a piece of writing.

Look at this passage describing Hook’s ship:

One green light squinting over Kidd’s Creek, which is near the mouth of the pirate river, marked where the brig, the Jolly Roger, lay, low in the water; a rakish-looking craft foul to the hull, every beam in her detestable, like ground strewn with mangled feathers. She was the cannibal of the seas, and scarce needed that watchful eye, for she floated immune in the horror of her name.

Now, I’m not normally one to gush about editions of books and what not. If it’s a good story, I don’t tend to care about the packaging. But I do make a special exception for my copy of Peter Pan.

The Everyman Children’s Classics edition with illustrations by F.D. Bedford. I got this one Christmas many years ago and it’s always been indescribably special to me.

When I see a bad adaptation of Peter Pan, it feels I leant this book to someone and got it back torn, stained and with obscene notes scribbled on every page.

I feel angry and appalled and betrayed.

Watching Pan, however, felt like I leant this book to someone and they put it in a shredder and painstakingly re-arranged the shreds into a diorama depicting the Conference of Versailles.

Now we’re waaaaaay past angry. Now I’m just baffled and confused.

Why? Why did you do that?

What the fuck even is this movie? Multiple reviews and the movie’s own wikipedia page refer to it as a “prequel” to Barrie’s original story but that’s a blatant lie. I don’t know where this story was heading (and, given its box office reception, I never will) but there is simply no way this film was ever going to dovetail neatly into Peter flying into Wendy’s bedroom and taking her off to Never Never Land, because that happened in 1904 and this movie opens during the Blitz and that’s not how time works. It’s tempting to think that this is a prequel that failed at the one thing that makes a prequel a prequel, happening before or “pre” the “quel” but I don’t think that’s it.

I’ve also seen it described as an “origin” story for Peter, but the character is so radically different from his book counterpart (and don’t even get me started on other characters like Hook and Tiger Lily) that there is really no way to reconcile the two depictions. Maybe it’s better to think of it as a “reimagining” a lá Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes but even that hewed closer to the movie it was aping (heh). In fact, Pan veers so hard away from its source material that the creators could have just changed the names of a few characters and I doubt anyone would have realised it was supposed to be Peter Pan.

Anyway, in the 1930s a baby is left on the steps of a London orphanage with a mysterious pan flute pendant. So you know what that means.

Ten years later this baby is now a boy called Peter and living in an orphanage run by comically evil Irish nuns. Sorry, I think they’re supposed to be comically evil Irish nuns but they forgot to make them comical and just made them very evil and very Irish.

“Shall sir be playing the race card?”

Nooo, I don’t think so. As long as they don’t do anything ridiculously anti-Irish like having the nuns attacking the children with hurleys…

Oh. Well. Fuck you too, movie.

ANYWAY. Like a lot of bad movies, Pan struggles with tone. Sister Barnabas is the kind of ridiculously over the top child-hating villain that you’d get in a Roald Dahl novel but it’s totally lacking the camp that’s needed to make that kind of character entertaining. Pan, particularly in its earliest scenes, has the sombre grey palette of a Holocaust drama and it’s not a fun time. Peter and his best friend Nibs break into Barnabas’ office looking for proof that she’s hoarding food and instead find a letter from Peter’s mother which the nuns kept from him because…cartoonish supervillainy. They also find a load of money which leads the boys to deduce that Sister Barnabas is selling orphans who are vanishing in the night.

Yeah, that’s what every adaptation of Peter Pan needs, the implication of child molestation. I don’t want to associate Neverland with that kind of thing!

You KNOW what I meant, you jerks.

The boys are caught and caned, and Sister Barnabas tears up the letter from Peter’s mother before his eyes because she is 100% that bitch. They are sent to bed and suddenly there are flying pirates coming through the roof and snatching children up. Now, you might be thinking “Oh! Phew! That’s where the missing orphans went!” but…no, I don’t think that can be true. The nuns have no idea what’s going on, and the pirates are clearly stealing these children, not buying them so I have to assume that Sister Barnabas is really selling orphans for nefarious purposes and her orphanage just happened to also get raided by flying pirates. During the blitz. Some orphans just cannot catch a break.

The next sequence I think is probably the only explanation we need as to why this movie was set thirty years later than the original story: someone thought that the sight of a flying pirate ship dodging Spitfires over London would look cool as Hell and I have to admit that they OBVIOUSLY were correct. The ship escapes and travels to Neverland. This results in the movie becoming brighter (if not necessarily all that much more colourful) which means I might actually get some useable screenshots.

Peter and the rest of the terrified orphans are brought to a mine, where they are greeted by hundreds of captured miners singing…fuck it, you need to see this for yourselves.

You know what? This just became my go-to answer for “scene I love in a movie I otherwise hate”. Yes, it’s pure random nonsense but there’s a swagger to it, you know?

This is Hugh Jackman who is ostensibly playing Blackbeard but who I choose to call “Fake Hook” or “Fook” for short. His whole deal is that he’s running a slave mine to dig up Pixum, which is crystallised fairy dust which is all that remains of the fairies because Blackbeard FUCKING GENOCIDED THEM.

Peter learns all this from Sam “Smee” Smiegel, played in this version by Adheel Aktar. In the original play and book, of course, Smee is a stage Oirish idiot. I presume they didn’t go in that direction because they thought that would be insensitive to Irish viewers.

Ship. Has. Sailed.

While working in the mine Pan meets this guy…

As you can no doubt tell, he’s the tough badass mercenary who’s only out for himself but will eventually become a hero thanks to the innocence and nobility of the child protagonist and his name is James Hook.

Excuse me.

What the FUCK?

Why do this? Just to be contrary? Just to be special? Just so you can be the guy who said you wiped your ass with one of the greatest villains in world literature? I AM GENUINELY CURIOUS WHAT THE THOUGHT PROCESS WAS HERE.

For starters, Captain James Hook was not born with the name “Hook”. He got the name after Peter Pan cut his hand off and he replaced it. WITH A HOOK. It’s pretty obvious. J.M. Barrie, in his children’s book written in the nineteen tens even pointed out that him being named “Hook” from birth would be really stupid. “Captain Hook” is supposed to be a name that strikes terror because of its implications. There are no implications here, this guy is just Jim Hook.

Secondly, they made him American and Garrett Hedlund is struggling mightily with the accent. I don’t know why, because Garret Hedlund is American but he somehow manages to sound like that’s not his real accent. It’s a fucking trainwreck. I’m not calling this one “Hook” either. I will call him Jimbo.

Jimbo very helpfully tells Peter how to mine without hurting his wrist and then sharpens his pick. Peter thanks him and Jimbo replies “Don’t thank me. I’m not your friend. And I haven’t got your back.”

I will pause here to give credit where credit’s due. Levi Miller is perfect casting as Peter. I’d have loved to have seen him in a more faithful adaptation. The kid is top tier.

Anyway, Peter finds a lump of Pixum but it’s snatched from him by an older pirate. When he fights back, he’s sentenced to walk the plank. After two small children plummet to their deaths to a fun little string melody it’s Peter’s turn and, to the amazement of all, he flies. A little. Kinda like a chicken. You know?

After a fall that really should have broken every little bone in his fragile frame he wakes up in Fook’s chambers. Fook tells Peter that the savage peoples of Neverland have a prophecy of a boy who was born of the love of a fairy prince and a human woman. Uhhhhhh….

Blackbeard tells Peter that legend says that the boy was hidden away in the real world until he could come of age and return to overthrow Fook and that the prophecy said this boy could fly. So, obviously, with the one person who could threaten his rule at his complete mercy he kills him?

No, he locks him away in the dungeon where he’s promptly rescued by Jimbo who agrees to help him search the island for his mother if he helps Jimbo escape the mine with his ability to fly.

PETER: If I’m going to trust you I need to know your name.

HOOK: It’s Hook, James Hook! Ya happy?!

(Pushes Peter down a mine shaft)

PETER: Noooooooooooo!

“My sentiments exactly.”

So Jimbo, Smee and Peter take a cable car up to the dock and Jimbo tells Peter to fly them over to one of the flying ships. But Peter reveals that he’s only ever flown once and you’ll never guess…

You know what, I really don’t like Hook but goddamn Hoffman was awesome.

Anyway, they manage to steal a ship anyway and escape and crash in the jungle where they get menaced by some terrible CGI birds before getting captured by Tiger Lily, played by native actress Rooney Mara.

Specifically, she is a native of Bedford, New York.

So. So so so.

The portrayal of Tiger Lily and the Piccaninny tribe (yes, that is their name) are definitely the aspect of the original novel that has aged the worst.

I am also far too pretty to cringe in this way.

So yeah, there is definitely a minefield there to be avoided but it has been done.

The 2003 Peter Pan had a Tiger Lily played by a native actress and she was widely agreed to be one of the best things in that movie. You can have the Indians in a Peter Pan story, you just have to do the work. Anyway, White Tiger Lily thinks Jimbo is a pirate (as if, who could ever mistake this guy for a pirate?) and throws him into the arena to fight their tribe’s finest warrior. But they release him when they see Peter’s pendant and realise…

White Tiger Lily tells Peter that after leaving him in the real world his mother went and hid in a hidden fairy kingdom. This is actually done through “the Memory Tree” where the lines of wood on a tree render the story in animation. It’s actually a very nifty bit of visual storytelling. She tells him that he is the chosen one, destined to save them all. Oh, and his mother’s name was “Mary”.

But to prove himself, Peter will have to fly.

Oh, and Jimbo starts flirting with White Tiger Lily.

Well I mean, who DOESN’T ship them?!

This movie is bad and I do not much care for it.

Anyway, Smee gets captured by Fook and his pirates and betrays the native’s village and also tells Fook about the existence of the hidden fairy kingdom. Fook attacks, slaughters most of the natives and then reveals to Peter that he is his mother. Sorry, I mean, that he killed Peter’s mother.

Peter, White Tiger Lily and Jimbo manage to escape but Peter is furious at White Tiger Lily for lying to him and she’s all “I’m sorry, orphaned child, that I dangled the hope of your mother still being alive only for you to lose her again but I really needed you to do what I want.”

There’s a long sequence of the three journeying across the Neverland and encountering mermaids and a giant crocodile and other assorted things to remind you of better versions of this story. Jimbo finds a flying ship in pretty good nick and abandons the other two. White Tiger Lily tells Peter the truth about his mother, that she was a warrior who died defending Neverland from Blackbeard and he decides to follow in her footsteps (hopefully without the dying part). They arrive at the Fairy Kingdom.

Unfortunately, they’re ambushed by Fook who takes Peter’s pendant and uses it to unlock the way into the kingdom which he plans on taking over and strip mining for Pixum which he uses to stay young forever. He sails his ship into the kingdom (which looks like Krypton in the seventies Superman movie for some reason) and orders his men to make for the “fairy hive” which as a phrase just conjures up the perfect atmosphere of Victorian fairy tale whimsey.

But, wouldn’t you know it, Jimbo isn’t a complete bastard and returns in the nick of time.

Peter meets Tinkerbell who is actually a fairy and hasn’t been reimagined as a fucking Galapagos turtle or something and he finally flies, rallies all the fairies and together they defeat Blackbeard and the pirates.

Peter sees a vision of his mother who tells him that he is the special and that he’s finally home and he tells her that he loves her and has always missed her.

Jimbo takes command of Blackbeard’s ship, The Jolly Roger, and they sail back to London to rescue the rest of Peter’s friends from the orphanage.

The ship sails off into the night, and Peter and Jimbo reflect on how they’re such good friends now and nothing will ever happen to change that.

And it won’t.

***

I’m honestly not even mad. I’m just utterly baffled. There is a certain crazy gonzo inventiveness that’s sort of admirable but when you take such strong material and go out of your way to mess with it this hard, call it what it is: hubris. They couldn’t have had more hubris if they’d given this movie a name that means “critical mauling”.

Oh wait.

SCORE: 34%

NEXT UPDATE: 22 May 2025

NEXT TIME: You know, on the one hand this will probably be my last chance for a long time to review Conclave during an actual Conclave. On the other hand…I am going to be so busy this week and that movie really needs a proper write up so…

Don’t you click on that podcaaaaast! (You’re a FOOL if you dare!)

‘Ello! Today’s episode of Now That’s What I Call Nostalgia covers iconic British claymation classic The Trapdoor! We had a great time re-watching and talking about this one.

Apparently that’s a lot? I dunno.

Disney Reviews with the Unshaved Mouse #63: Moana 2

“You sons of bitches, we were so close. We were so close!“

After a string of godawful mediocrities and outright turds the likes of which the canon hadn’t seen since the earliest years of the millennium, the opportunity was ripe for Disney to start filling the executive-grade wicker basket with heads and put some people in charge with fresh ideas and real talent.

But noooooooooooo.

Disney pulled the old “take the first three episodes of a scrapped TV show, wash it off and serve it up as a new movie” trick they used to pull in the direct-to-video sequel era and what did you do? Did you laugh? Did you scorn such obvious desperate chicanery? Did you hell!

ONE BILLION AT THE BOX OFFICE. FOR THIS.

We could have had another Renaissance with a bit of luck. Instead, I’m going to be reviewing Frozen 13 when I’m in my nineties. Because obviously the reason Strange World, Raya and Wish flopped was not that they were poop on a bun, it’s because they were original ideas (kinda). I mean, it’s hard to make the argument that quality was the issue when all it took them to make a billion dollars was to put the number “2” after the title of one of their most popular films.

The future is bleak, and I’m not just saying that because the proliferation of AI slop online means that every time I search for images to use I run the risk of seeing something that will make me want to put my head in a mouse-trap.

If you want to imagine the future, picture pregnant cross-eyed Moana stamping on a human face, forever.

Okay, okay. Let me dial back the vitriol a little.

Is it the worst Disney canon movie?

No.

Are there elements of it at least that I like?

Yes, actually.

Is it kind of impressive that they were able to wrangle three episodes of a TV show into something that looks like a conventional movie structure if you squint in a few short months with panicked execs screaming in their ears like wounded buffalo?

Yeah, honestly.

Does that change the fact that its success is nonetheless a portent of doom worthy of wailing and gnashing of teeth?

No. But there it is.

Anyway, remember the end of Moana where Moana was leading a massive flotilla of her people to discover new islands after centuries of isolation because of Te Ka’s curse?

Well forget all about it. Never happened. Or if it did, they reached those islands and decided to head straight back.

Or maybe everyone except Moana was eaten by ravenous dodos. Anyway, the voyage failed. It achieved nothing.

All of the islanders are back on Motonui and Moana is now exploring other islands with Pua and Hei Hei. Pua, you may remember, is Moana’s pet pig, who was cut from her voyage in the first movie because the creators decided he added nothing. They were correct, and we were all wrong to doubt them.

I’d call him Happy Meal Bait, but since this was planned as a TV show there were no Happy Meal toys for Moana 2. The pig is just there.
He’s just THERE.

So I do have to give credit where credit is due. If I hadn’t known that this animation was originally intended for a TV show I would not have been able to guess. It’s not quite as good as Moana but definitely of a canon-worthy standard. Mostly. It’s a little inconsistent. Lighting and water effects are fantastic, human skin sometimes looks a little plasticky, hair is a mixed bag. But overall, yeah. Movie looks really good. If looks were everything, this film would be doing just fine. On an abandoned island Moana finds an old clay pot depicting human figures and excitedly takes it back home to Motonui. We meet some returning characters like Moana’s parents, and some new characters; grumpy old farmer Kele, storyteller and Maui fanficcer (yes, the movie actually calls his work “fanfic”) Moni and Bronze Age quirky STEM girl Loto. Of these three Kele is by far my favourite, simply because in a franchise so youth-obsessed as the modern Disney canon, having an old grumpy character feels like a welcome call-back to Disney’s earlier years and also because I just vibe with this guy.

HE’S LITERALLY ME!!!

We also meet Moana’s new little sister Simea who I do not care for at all.

Don’t look at me like that.

Simea exists in what I have just right now decided to call the “Uncutie Valley”, something so obviously and deliberately designed to be cute that your brain rebels. Sorry Disney, you overplayed your hand. Maybe it was the buck teeth. Maybe it was the eyes or the precocious manner but I just find this character insufferable. Bah, and also humbug. Simea sucks.

“Good for you, Mouse. You show that small child who’s boss.”

Meanwhile the action shifts to Maui, played by Dwayne Johnson, presumably inbetween shoots for the live action Moana and pre-production for Moana 3, because we’re all trapped in this crazy Moanaverse together and there’s no escape. Maui visits a strange shadowy realm where he is taunted by a mysterious figure made of bats and quickly defeated.

“But…my contract! I have a “no-lose” clause!”

Back on Motonui, Chief Tui announces that Moana has been granted the title of “Tautai” or wayfinder. At the ceremony, Moana’s ancestor Tautai Vasa appears to her in a vision.

“Moana. You must go to the Dagobah system.”

Vasa tells her that she must reconnect the people of the ocean by finding Motofetu which was sunk by the god Nalo which separated all the tribes whoah whoah whoah whoah.

Back the fuck up. The tribes were already separated by a god. Remember? This bitch?

And sure, Vasa gives this a cursory acknowledgement by saying “restoring the heart of Ta Fiti was just the beginning” but do you mean to tell me that two separate gods put two separate curses separating the peoples of the ocean? One curse could be considered misfortune. Two smacks of carelessness. And oh my God, Motofetu was “connecting” the tribes? How? How?!

IT’S A FUCKING ISLAND. NOT BEING CONNECTED TO THINGS IS ITS PRINCIPAL CHARACTERISTIC.

You might say it was a necessary waypoint but come on, these are Polynesians!

They looked at the largest expanse of open ocean known to man and said “Nah, I’d win.”“Wowza, who’s that?!”“Nobody. It’s just a map. They don’t all have souls.”

And it’s so frustrating! The end of Moana had plenty of places to go. Maybe the defeat of Te Ka could have left a power vacuum to be filled by an even worse threat that could menace the new explorers. But instead we’re basically given a complete reset. All the people are on one island, Moana has to go on a quest to defeat a god and open up the ocean. Again. Maybe this time the bugger will stay open, who can say? Oh, by the way, when was Nalo sinking Motofetu supposed to have happened? It has to have been after the flashback we saw in Moana during “We Know the Way” because Vasa was alive then and we know he drowned trying to reach Motofetu. But if Nalo separated the people before Maui stole the heart of Ta Feti, how did anyone even know he’d done that if they were already seperated by Nalo?

Shoddy world-building, I call it.

Anyway, a comet appears in the sky and, like any good video game protagonist, Moana gathers her party and follows the waypoint marker. Seriously, Moana 2 is the second Disney canon movie after Raya that feels like it has a plot better suited to a video game and, not to sound like a grumpy old man but maybe the scripts for these things would be better if Disney hired writers who watched movies or maybe, I dunno, had read a book at some point.* She convinces Kele, Moni and Loto to go with her along with Hei Hei, Pau and of course Ocean. So, add “character bloat” to the list of similarities with Raya.

Oh, but there is something that Moana 2 has that Raya doesn’t! Songs!

Alright, fair’s fair. Last time this category was less “rock bottom” than “down in the kingdom of the molemen” so let’s be clear: yes, the songs in Moana 2 are better than the ones in Wish. Unfortunately, they are less memorable. This is the Thanks I Get is a lyrical catastrophe but I can at least hum the tune. All of the songs in Moana 2, with the very, very, very slight exception of Get Lost washed over me without leaving so much as a note in my memory. But, they’re not unpleasant. So, yeah, trending positive at least?

Sidenote, this thing has absolutely consumed me and I started imagining if Disney just bought it and animated it in the style of Hunchback of Notre Dame and I’m sick I don’t live in that universe.

Our heroes embark on their journey, following the comet until it explodes in the sky and they cross paths with the Kakamora.

It has been eight years since I told you that in Irish, “Kakamora” means “Large Shits”. This remains true.

The little guy up there, by the way, is Kotu, who is my favourite character in the whole film. He’s the Prince of the Kakamora and is an absolutely adorable little badass. You almost forget he’s a little coconut person because he is so freaking cool. I love him. Anyway the Kakamora are trying to get through a massive clam because they’re trying to get home and it’s in their way.

It’s in their way.

In the ocean.

If only there was some way to avoid going through. If only.

When their raft gets caught in the clam’s wake, Moana grabs a rope trailing from the Kakamora ship and uses it to pick up speed, with Loto exclaiming “she’s using centrifigul force to increase our velocity!”

The Kakamora use poisoned darts to incapacitate the crew but when they realise that Moana is trying to reach Motofetu they decide to help her because they were also separated when Nalo sank it. So, for those keeping track at home, they were one of the things Te Ka was using to separate the humans, while Nalo had already separated them.

Because OBVIOUSLY there is no other way past this obstacle, Moana agrees to help the little coconuts, who reverse the effects of their paralysing darts by having a giant slug slither over Moana and her crew, covering their half-naked bodies with green translucent slime.

Kotu joins the crew, and now I’m invested.

They sail into the clam and incapacitate it with the Kakamora’s neurotoxin and the raft gets swallowed and ends up in a strange spirit realm which just so happens to be where Maui is being held prisoner.

The gang are split up and Moana finds herself face to face with Matangi, Nalo’s enforcer.

And, I’m not gonna lie, guys, my interest was piqued.

Cool design, cool concept (Polynesian vampire god, that’s fucking nifty), great voice performance, introduced with the best song in the whole movie. Within ten seconds of her showing up I was thinking “holy shit, we might actually get a great Disney villain for the first time in twelve years“.

And that really depends on your tolerance for twist villains.

And then! Matangi unveils her devious plan!

Giving Moana some very useful advice and setting her, Maui and her crew free so they can continue on their mission to thwart Nalo. Which she does at heroic risk to her own life.

Excuse me, what?

You know, Disney have queer-baited plenty of times before but I think this is the first time I’ve ever been villain-baited. No wonder the villain community was outraged by this movie and released a statement beginning “FOOLS! WE SHALL DESTROY YOU ALL!”

Ah well, all will be forgiven as long as Nalo is actually an interesting villain and not just a Marvel style light in the sky.

Of fucking course.

Okay, let’s wrap this up. Moana realises that Nalo’s curse will be broken if a human being manages to touch Motofetu. She dives into the ocean and is struck by Nalo’s lightning just as she manages to touch the island. She’s killed but Maui is able to summon Vasa’s Spirit and those of all Moana’s ancestor’s and they restore her to life. And the movie ends with with the people of the ocean free to explore again. Again.

***

Kind of impressive given the constraints it was made under. Visually very nice. Musically unobjectionable.

Harbinger of the fucking apocalypse (yes, I know I’ve been saying that a lot, it’s a big apocalypse).

Animation: 17/20

Not at the level of its predecessor, still probably the peak of the CGI canon era animation-wise, but not too shabby at all given its origin.

Leads: 14/20

Ho boy. Okay, Chloe Auliʻi Cravalho is still excellent in the role but the character has no real arc. Also, the character is now feels so 21st century American in her mannerisms and dialogue that it really detracts from the film’s sense of place.

Villain: 00/20

If you don’t show up to the exam, you don’t get the points. Fair?

Supporting Characters: 09/20

Too damn many, but there are some here that I really do like.

Music: 09/20

The songs are boring and utterly unmemorable, but after Wish that’s kind of a relief in and of itself. It’s the Biden administration of soundtracks.

The Stinger (wait what?)

In his secret lair Nalo (oh! thanks for deigning to show up!) threatens Matangi for her part in his defeat and they are interrupted by Tamatoa who thinks that his being here has something to do with Spider-Man and that they should team up.

And the audience went

Are the actual fucking villains going to be post-credits DLC now?

Hey, what’s Nalo doing?

Nalo is sitting on his chair.

Great. Twenty films of THAT to look forward to, can’t wait.

FINAL SCORE: 49%

NEXT UPDATE: 08 May 2025

NEXT TIME: Hey, it’s the live action Peter Pan that everyone forgot about that came out before the live action Peter Pan that everyone forgot about but after the live action Peter Pan that everyone forgot about.

More reviews and interviews plug plug plug

Here’s a lovely starred review from Shelf Awareness for Readers and HERE is a link to the March 2025 issue of Story Monsters including an interview with yours truly.

Do I wish I lived in a world where shameless self promotion wasn’t necessary to sell a book about fish? Yeah. What’s your point?

And it’s out!(plus new podcast episode!)

My first kid’s book with illustrations by the inestimable Dan Santat is now out! Swim to your nearest bookseller and get your copy of Don’t Trust Fish!

And! Join me on Now That’s What I Call Nostalgia! where myself, Spouse of Mouse and Esther talk about Degrassi Junior High, that classic of Canadian television, and where I probably overshare with a story about a misidentified water balloon.

Distrust is Growing…

Hey all, we are less than a week away from the launch of Don’t Trust Fish and already things are hotting up:

Amazon have selected it as one of their best books for ages 3-5 for April

Dubray have made it one of their Favourites for April

Barnes and Noble have selected it as one of their Best kid’s Books of April

And lastly here’s a lovely starred review from Booklist!

Knock Knock is getting an audio book!

Great news! At long last, Knock Knock, Open Wide will be getting an audiobook version set for release on June 17th. It’s being produced by Tantor Media and will be narrated by Irish actress Aoife McMahon!