Neil Sharpson's Blog, page 23

UK Cover Reveal!

Oh I have been itching to show you guys this one!

This is the cover for the UK edition of When the Sparrow Falls and it is a feast for the eye.

See what I did there? Matt Needle, the artist, gave us three concepts for the cover and honestly picking one was one of the hardest parts of this whole process because they were all so beautiful. But I think we picked the right one. It manages to pack in so many of the themes of the book in one deceptively simple image. I love it. And if you want to get a first peek at the inside of the book, Rebellion have released and excerpt which you can read here.

When the Sparrow Falls Now Available for Pre-Order!

My new novel, When the Sparrow Falls, is now available to pre-order!:

“Welcome to the Caspian Republic. The last bastion of true humanity in a world given over to artificial intelligence.

Stray from the path towards anything “machine” and the state will correct you.

When propagandist Paulo Xirau dies, and is discovered to himself be a “machine”, State Security Agent Nikolai South is given a new assignment he could hardly want less: chaperone the widow, Lily, the only “machine” visitor ever invited from the outside world, and help her determine what happened to her husband.

Nikolai knows it will be nearly impossible to complete the job without running afoul of the Party—but when he sees that Lily bears an eerie resemblance to his late wife, Nikolai stumbles on a larger plot, one that exposes all the lies he’s told himself and which may bring down the Republic for good.

WHEN THE SPARROW FALLS  illuminates authoritarianism, complicity, and identity in the digital age, in a page turning, darkly-funny, frightening and touching story that recalls Philip K. Dick, John Le Carré and Kurt Vonnegut in equal measure.”

When the Sparrow Falls will be published by TOR on June 29 2021, but you can order it now from the following retailers!

Amazon

Barnes and Noble

Indiebound

Kobo

Apple Books

Over the Garden Wall: Songs of the Dark Lantern

Wha’ Happen’?:

Looking for shelter in the middle of a storm, our heroes arrive at a creepy tavern full of people dressed in American colonial era garb and who apparently have no names, only job descriptions. The Tavern Keeper insists that Beatrice wait outside as birds bring bad luck. When Beatrice tries to explain that blue birds bring good luck the Tavern Keeper snaps “good luck, bad luck, I don’t need any of it!” and hits her with a broom.

Fuming, Beatrice waits outside in the stable with a weird horse that seems to be wearing lipstick. She hears the sound of someone chopping wood in the dark forest, and a deep voice singing…

In the tavern, the Tavern Keeper demands to know what Wirt and Greg’s deal is but Wirt doesn’t know what to tell them. After listening to the Highway Man’s song, Wirt asks the way to Adelaide’s House. This leads the tavern patrons to decide that he’s The Young Lover and throw him up onstage to sing his love song.

Outside, frustrated that Wirt’s not making any progress, Beatrice flies off into the dark forest in the direction of the singing and chopping, hoping to ask for directions.

Wirt sings a song that’s officially known in the credits as “Wirt’s Terrible Song” which is a tad cruel to Elijah Wood who had to improvise it, explaining what he and Greg are doing in the Unknown. The tavern patrons then decide that Wirt is actually The Pilgrim, a noble hero on a sacred quest. Greg regales the rapt tavern patrons with tales of Wirt’s great deeds like tripping up a gorilla but when the boys tell them about the Woodsman and the Beast, the patrons go quiet and tell them that the Woodsman is The Beast.

Wirt doesn’t believe that, saying that the Woodsman gave them directions to avoid the Beast and the Tavern Keeper notes that they can’t have been very good directions because they’re now lost. She tells Wirt that “whosoever carries the Lantern must be the Beast”. Just then, they hear Beatrice scream and Wirt and Greg jump on the horse and ride into the forest to save her.

In the forest they find Beatrice lying unconscious and the Woodsman standing over her. Wirt realises that the Woodsman was trying to turn her into an Edelwood tree and the Tavern Keeper was right about the Woodsman being the Beast. He distracts the Woodsman by getting the horse to kick the lantern out of his hand and the boys grab Beatrice and ride off into the night.

Beatrice wakes up and tells the boys that she was startled by a strange shadow and flew into a tree. Greg excitedly tells her that Wirt was a hero and she says that’s all very well but he was supposed to get directions. Wirt proudly says that he did, from Frank. The horse. Who can apparently talk.

Back at the Edelwood tree, a mysterious shadowy figure notes that the Woodsman is running out of oil asks him if he wants to give him the lantern for a while.

The Woodsman furiously refuses, and the figure calmly reminds him that he must keep the lantern lit lest his daughter’s spirit goes out.

“Now” he says. “What way did those children go?”

How was it?: After the light, frothy Schooltown Follies, episode 4 is the darkest episode thus far, both literally and tonally. It’s also a very important episode in terms of the lore of the series. We learn that Wirt and Greg are step brothers, and also some very important details as to what the Beast is up to and his relationship with the Woodsman, the lantern and the Edelwood trees. This episode also sees Wirt undergoing major character growth and becoming downright heroic towards the end. Fittingly, given the title, the episode has more songs than any other and they’re all pretty great with the exception of Wirt’s Terrible Song which at least lets you know what you’re in for up front.

Holy Crap, that sounds like…: Voice actor, actor and stand up comedian Fred Stoller plays Fred the horse.

Can I see some references?: Maybe the most reference heavy episode in the series. The whole premise of patrons huddled in a colonial era tavern signing songs about the monster outside in the wood instantly brings to mind Disney’s version of The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. The Tavern Keeper’s design and voice are both clear references to Betty Boop. Continuing with the Fleischer theme, the Highway Man’s dance is lifted from Cab Calloway’s rotoscoped moves in Minnie the Moocher. I also kinda feel that the scene of the Highway Man watching the trio from the window of the Dark Lantern Tavern might be a reference to a similar scene in The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Probably a coincidence, but then Tim Curry was cast in this series so it might have been intentional. Oh, and speaking of things I can’t possible prove and have no source to substantiate; I can’t shake the feeling that the Toymaker with his thin reedy voice is a reference to the children’s song singer Burl Ives.

I dunno. Listen to them both and tell me if I’m crazy.

EDIT: Since some readers seen to be having trouble viewing the second video, here’s the link https://youtu.be/42HzdD1MG04

This frog’s name is: Greg’s really been slacking off with his Frog-naming so this frog’s name is still Wirt Junior.

Over the Garden Wall: Schooltown Follies

Wha’ Happen’?:

After leaving Pottsfield, Wirt, Greg and Beatrice are now trying to reach the house of Adelaide, the Wise Woman of the Woods. In order to get Greg to stop singing, Beatrice tries to crush his indefatigable optimism. She tells him that the world is a miserable place and that he should be more like Wirt, a beaten down husk of a pushover who just quietly does whatever he’s told. Well, Wirt may be a triangle nosed goober cosplaying as David the Gnome’s secret abandoned lovechild, but even he has his pride. So when the trio stumble across a small school in the middle of the forest where a young woman named Miss Langtree is trying to teach a class of blank eyed animals to read, he joins the class just to spite Beatrice. Greg, who isn’t that big on book learnin’ (I know, stunned gasps all round) instead hangs around outside the school with a bunch of truant racoons, deer and possums.

As Miss Langtree explains in a wistful monologue, the school’s in real trouble. Her father, the owner of the school, is threatening to shut it down, her fiancée Jimmy Brown has done R.U.N.N.O.F.T. and there is the little matter of a mad gorilla on the loose.

When the gorilla attacks Greg and the truant critters they run into the schoolhouse just in time for lunch. The animals are being served bland mashed potatoes so Greg decides to mix things up by pouring mollases on their food. This leads to the song Potatoes and Molasses, one of the catchiest little ear worms you’ll ever hear. Before you know it all the animals are playing instruments and having a grand old time. But then Mr. Langtree shows up and demands to know if “Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiis” is what he’s been paying money for. Mr. Langtree says that the school should only be teaching animals to count and spell and confiscates all the instruments like a Tory education minister.

The trio sneak out of the schoolhouse in the middle of the night to continue their journey, and come across Mr Langtree sleeping rough in the forest. They overhear him saying to himself that, what with Jimmy Brown having run off and the whole gorilla situation the school is facing bankruptcy and that he has to sell the instruments just to keep its doors open.

The next day, Mr Langtree wakes and is horrified to find the instruments are gone. But then he hears music playing and discovers that Greg, Wirt and Beatrice took the instruments back and arranged a benefit concert for the school with all the animals playing the song they learned from Greg. The concert is a success and the school is saved. The gorilla attacks the crowd but Wirt trips him and his head goes flying off, revealing that’s he’s actually Jimmy Brown. Jimmy explains to a stunned Ms Langtree that he joined the circus to make enough money to marry her and they had stuck him in a gorilla costume, and that when he got trapped in the costume everyone was too scared to help him.

So the school is saved, the animals get to play their music, Beatrice realises that Writ isn’t a pushover and that sometimes optimism isn’t stupid and the gorilla’s reign of terror is brought to an end.

How was it?: Follies is Over the Garden Wall at its lightest, frothiest and silliest. The horror elements are almost entirely absent and there’s no real threat or peril (the gorilla is too silly to be scary even before you know it’s Ms. Langtree’s no-good handsome man in there). The episode has two of the best songs in the series, Ms. Langtree’s Lament and Potatoes and Molasses and some of my favourite lines (“Young man, go to the dunce box!”, “That’s right darlin’, I was the gorilla”). It’s also one of the more idealistic episodes, where the day is won not by Wirt’s practical no-nonsense attitude or Beatrice’s cynicism but by Greg’s unfailing optimism and belief that the world is a good, kind place.

Holy Crap, that sounds like…: Janet Klein (Ms Langtree), Sam Marin (Mr. Langtree) and Thomas Lennon (Jimmy Brown) aren’t big name voice actors, but they deserve to be.

Can I see some references?: I couldn’t place any specific animation references but the animals wearing fussy Edwardian clothes harkens to Beatrix Potter, whereas the truant critters and the Southern vibe of the schoolhouse reminded me of the works of Mark Twain.

This frog’s name is: Still Wirt Junior.

Over the Garden Wall: Hard Times at the Huskin’ Bee

Wha’ Happen’?:

Still following the Woodsman’s directions, Wirt and Greg come across the Beatrice the talking bluebird again. She’s trapped in a thornbush and offers to do the boys a good turn after Greg frees her. She tells them that she can take them to Adelaide the Magical Woman of the Woods, who could send them home, but Wirt really isn’t up for a magical Wizard of Oz esque quest and they continue looking for a town with a reluctant Beatrice in tow.

They come to a town called Pottsfield where the locals are celebrating the harvest in pumpkin costumes and dancing to music that’s ever so cheery and it’s not creepy at all…

Beatrice, to her credit, is all “go, go, go, go” but Wirt has never seen The Wicker Man and tries to ask one of the Pumpkin people for directions. When the townsfolk learn that Wirt and Greg ain’t from around heyah (and that Greg stepped on one of their pumpkins), they lock the doors and bring the boys before their leader, Enoch.

In silky, menacing tones, Enoch tells them that he must punish them for their transgressions and sentences them to…a few hours community service.

Thinking that they’ve got off lightly, the boys spend a pleasant afternoon doing farm labour until they’re given their last task; digging two holes in an abandoned field. Beatrice is all “…seriously?” but Wirt refuses to believe there’s anything amiss until Greg uncovers a skeleton.

The pumpkin folk arrive and Wirt thinks that they’re goners but then the skeleton walks out of the hole, puts on some pumpkins and then joins the other townsfolk who are, of course, all skeletons. As Pottsfield celebrates another successful harvest, Wirt, Greg and Beatrice continue on their way having learned a valuable lesson about prejudice.

Sometimes the creepy skeleton people just don’t want you to step on their pumpkins.

How was it?: Hard Times at the Huskin’ Bee is really the episode where I feel Over the Garden Wall becomes what it’s supposed to be. If I had to pick a word to describe this series it would be “Autumnal” or, if you’re American: “Fally”, and Huskin’ Bee is by far the most Fally episode of the bunch. Everything from the pumpkins, to the massive turkeys that the Pottsfielders use as transportation to the harvest setting. This episode also sees a major jump in animation quality (and Episode 1 was no slouch to begin with). Couple this with the beautiful backgrounds…

And you have something truly special.

Huskin’ Bee also sees the central trio of Beatrice, Wirt and Greg finally come together and the interplay between the three is great. It’s also prime Over the Garden Wall in that it’s beautiful, funny and at times, really, really creepy.

Holy Crap, that sounds like…: No superstar voices here but I will still namecheck Melanie Lynskey as Beatrice. Beatrice’s adorable design and Lynskey’s sweet, Disney Princess-esque voice contrasts hilariously with Beatrice’s cynicism and sarcastic barbs.

Can I see some references?: Huskin’ Bee doesn’t draw too obviously from any one literary source, but more the general genre of creepy small rural townships. Think The Wicker Man, Shirley Jackson’s The Lottery and a good chunk of HP Lovecraft’s oeuvre. For animation references, I dunno. Maybe a reference to the 1929 Disney cartoon The Skeleton Dance? Or they could just be skeletons.

This frog’s name is: Wirt Junior.

Over the Garden Wall: The Old Grist Mill

Over the Garden Wall is the creation of Adventure Time alumnus Patrick McHale which first premiered on Cartoon Network in 2014. Consisting of 10 ten-minute episodes, the series is a gorgeously animated brew of 17th, 18th and 19th century Americana, children’s literature and deep cut references to the Golden Age of animation. Which, as you can probably guess from that description, means that if it was any more my jam I’m be spreading it on my crumpets. Throughout October I’ll be doing short reviews of each episode so let’s crack on. Episode 1. The Old Grist Mill.

Wha’ Happen’?:

After the opening song a montage introducing many of the characters we’ll meet over the course of the series we meet two young boys, Wirt and Greg (and a frog) making their way through a dark, spooky forest. Wirt realises that he has no idea how they arrived there and begins to panic because this place is creepy as hell and everything just seems slightly off. Greg, who’s very much “the Mabel” in this Dipper/Mabel dyad, offers to leave a trail of candy behind them but that’s of little use since they’re already deep in the spooky, scary forest.

“You can’t make squirrels wearing bow ties creepy!” they jeered, mockingly. Patrick McHale simply smiled coldly.

They come across an elderly woodsman carrying a lantern and chopping down trees that are filled with a strange, black ooze. Wirt’s too afraid to approach the woodsman but then the boys are approached by Beatrice, a talking bluebird who offers to help them escape the forest. She flies off when the Woodsman overhears them talking and demands to know what they’re doing.

The Woodsman tells them that they’re in a place called “The Unknown” and that they need to am-scray because “The Beast walks these woods”.

The Woodsman takes them back to his mill and offers to let them stay the night. Wirt is getting serious stranger-danger from the Woodsman and asks him what he’s doing out in the forest. The Woodsman tells them that he has to grind the wood of the Edwelweiss trees into oil to keep his lantern lit. Wirt nervously suggests to Greg that they might need to knock the Woodsman out and make a run for it, before immediately dismissing that as a really bad plan. Seeing that Wirt’s nervous, he tells the kids that they’re free to go whenever they want but that if they’re still at the mill after he’s finished with his work, he’ll try to help them fin their way home.

Unsure of what to do, Wirt stays by the fire while Greg goes looking for his frog.  Outside the mill he gets attacked by a terrifying beast who, as Greg notes, has beautiful eyes.

 Greg runs back into the house, chased by the beast. The Woodsman tries to defend the children but gets knocked unconscious by Greg, who didn’t get the memo that they weren’t going with that plan.

The boys are chased by the beast into the mill where it ends up getting caught in the gears. This causing the whole mill to break apart but also dislodges one of Greg’s candies from the beast’s throat, which causes it to change back into a perfectly ordinary dog. (EDIT: Thanks to Alice Shattuck for pointing out that it’s not actually the candy that caused the dog to transform but the turtle that the candy was stuck to because it turns out that the black turtles have a mysterious connection to the Edelweiss trees and the Beast itself because dang but the lore is deep in this despite the whole thing clocking in at 100 minutes). The Woodsman regains consciousness and is furious to discover that the mill is gone and most of his oil has been lost. Wirt says that, hey, at least they got the Beast and the Woodsman yells that the dog was not the Beast. A beast, sure. But not The Beast. Wirt gets angry at Greg but the Woodsman tells him that as the elder brother, Greg’s dumb-fuckery is his responsibility and as an older brother myself that I find that sentiment to be rank Only Child Privilege. Anyway, the Woodsman wearily sends them on their way, calling after them “Beware the Unknown! Fear the Beast! And flee these woods if you can!”

How was it?: The Old Grist Mill is simultaneously an excellent cartoon and probably the worst OGW episode. Not a criticism, it just shows how insanely high this series sets the bar. It’s great, but the night-time setting means we don’t get the gorgeous autumnal colours of the later episodes. Beatrice (the blue-bird) only gets an early-bird cameo (see what I did there?) and while Lloyd is fantastic as the Woodsman, he’s no Auntie Whispers or Quincy Endicott. My point is, knowing all the fanastic stuff that’s coming down the line makes this first episode seem a little drab in comparison.

Holy Crap, that sounds like…: Wirt is played by Frodo Baggins himself, Elijah Wood. The Woodsman is played by a magnificently husky Christopher Llloyd.

Can I see some references?: This episode draws heavily on classic fairy tales. The two children lost in the woods, the candy trail and the Woodsman are all echoes of Hansel and Gretel. Greg’s terrified “You have beautiful eyes…” to the dog is a clear reference to Little Red Riding Hood. As for animation references, the creepy forest with its macabre, scowling trees is pure Snow White.  And the whole concept of a huge, gooey monster becoming small and harmless after a single corrupting influence is expelled reminded me very much of Hayao Miyazaki.

This frog’s name is: After the Woodsman tells Greg to give the frog a proper name, Greg spends the rest of the series trying to do just that. This episode, the frog is called Kitty and Wirt (to avoid confusion, Greg renames Wirt “Kitty”)

Disney(ish) reviews with the Unscrupulous Mouse: Artemis Fowl

“So I said to him: “Sir, if your attempts at neo-realism were any more bourgeois, they would have political rights in the Ancien Regime!””

 

“Very droll.”

 

“Yes. Quite.”

 

“Sick burn, Salman.”

 

“So Mouse, before we invite you to join our exclusive club for novelists, what were you doing before you took up the quill?”

 

“Oh, you know. One blogs a little. Film reviews. Cultural critiques. All very serious and highbrow. No talking maps.”

 

“Talking…well, very good. Very good. I’m delighted to welcome you..”

“MWA HA HA HA! Nobody move!”

 

“Dude, not cool! I’m with people who matter!”

 

“Mouse! Who is this rakish, uncouth rodent?!”

 

“Sigh. This is my evil twin brother the Unscrupulous Mouse. He’s a supervillain”

 

“I think you should leave.”

“Yeah, no shit, Salman. Okay, asshole what are you doing here?”

“What the hell is wrong with you?! Disney release a movie set in Ireland and it’s the worst thing ever and you don’t review it?! That’s three of your wheelhouses right there!”

“I reviewed Darby O’Gill, it was fine!”

“Not that one, fool! Artemis Fowl! The new Cromwell!”

“Look, I don’t have time to drop everything every time Disney goes plop plop. I’m a busy writer now, and quite frankly too good for that sort of thing.”

“FINE! I’LL DO IT MYSELF!”

I loved the Artemis Fowl books. Growing up as an evil mouse in Ireland I didn’t have many role models. Sure, there were a few villains I aspired to. The cartoon villains that were beaten by the heroes every Saturday morning or the Irish politicians using their power for personal gain. But there wasn’t a kid villain that I could root for! I wanted someone that outsmarted the good guys! Someone who’s plans weren’t foiled every week. Then Artemis Fowl entered my life. Not only was he a smart villain, he was Irish too! Then after a few books into the series, I heard the news! They were making an Artemis Fowl movie! Holy crap! young me squeaked! I’ll finally see my hero villain on the big screen!

Originally intended to be launched as a franchise by Miramax way back in 2001, the film languished in development hell until Disney acquired the rights in 2013. And I hate them for what they have done.

“Excellent. I feed on your hate.”

Okay, let’s get this over with.

The movie starts with reporters waiting outside Fowl Manor. Mulch Diggums (Josh Gad) is moved from one police car to another just so we can get a look at him. He then is brought from Ireland to M16’s secret water base for questioning about his connection to Artemis Fowl and multiple stolen artifacts. Surely Irish authorities would have liked to speak with him first? No? Okay. 

“What, the British government recklessly disregarding Irish sovereignty?! What kind of mad fantasy is this?!”

 

“Is that a Brexit joke?”

 

“More like a “Pick Literally Any Moment in Our Shared History” joke.

A webcam threatens him with PERMANENT IMPRISONMENT if he doesn’t tell them what he was doing at Fowl Manor. Mulch tells them that he is just a pawn and the real mastermind is the person who stole the Aculos. What is the Aculos you ask? It really doesn’t matter. It’s the biggest Mcguffin I have ever seen in a movie since the Mighty Mcguffos attacked Tokyo and had to be defeated by Godzilla.

Mulch then gives us the shocking twist that MI6 are looking for the wrong person. Because Artemis Fowl isn’t the brains of the operation, it’s actually Artemis Fowl…junior!

With lines that would make the Irish tourism board cringe we get a voice over of Mulch explaining that Ireland is the most magical place in the world and we see Artemis Fowl Jr surfing on the beautiful Irish coast. 

Later we see Artemis Fowl (Ferdia Shaw) show off his super intelligence when he absolutely dunks on the school’s therapist by proving that the chair he’s sitting on is actually not a famous chair. The therapist then brings up his mother’s death, so you can tell Artemis struck a nerve. 

Okay not even 10 minutes into the movie and we have jumped from the source material. Artemis’ mother is still alive in the books. She actually plays a really important part, so killing her off before we begin is a little strange. Secondly, Artemis is not cool. Artemis is a pale nerd who does not do any cool sports, especially not surfing, the 3rd coolest sport. 

Artemis storms out of the therapy session and heads home and OH COME ON!

A one wheeled skateboard. The douche’s chariot.

Artemis goes home where his father Artemis Senior (Colin Farrell) is waiting for him. We are told from the Mulch voiceover that Artemis Senior knows more about Irish fairy tales than anyone else and that is just ridiculous. Surely the person who knows the most about Irish folklore would appear on an Irish morning tv show telling the country about Irish halloween traditions when he was only 22 years old and I wish I could find a clip of that so I could show your readers Mouse, but I can’t.

“Man, I forgot all about that. Everyone in RTE was so high.”

Artemis Senior has to go away on a business trip, but leaves him with their bodyguard Butler (Nonso Anozie). Domovoi Butler, just called Butler in the books but changed here so that they can say “Don’t call him The Butler even though that’s his name, isn’t that funny”. Artemis wakes up the next day with the news that his father has disappeared and is wanted for the theft of a bunch of famous artifacts. Artemis gets a phone call from a mysterious shadowy figure who says they have kidnapped his father and says he has three days to return the Aculos. When asked what the Aculos is, the kidnapper just tells him that Artemis is a smart boy and he’ll figure it out.

What? Do you want this Mcguffin or not?! At least tell him what it looks like, it might be sitting on the mantelpiece. He might have walked by it every day for the last year thinking it was an avant garde art piece. Give him something to work with!

“Hey! Get me a schmooky schmook!”

 

“I don’t know what that is.”

 

“Well I guess that makes you an IDIOT!”

Butler shows Artemis the secret room in the basement where his father was doing his research into fairies, as well as all the stuff he stole. Yeah the movie frames it like, he did it to keep it safe and to stop it falling into the wrong hands (namely any hands that weren’t at the end of his wrists) but it’s still stealin’. Anyway they find Artemis Senior’s journal which says he hid the Aculos from the fairies and that Artemis Junior has to start believing in fairies, he does he does.

Cut to Haven City, the fairy city in the middle of Earth.

If your subterranean city does not have Lawrence Fishbourne yelling “MACHINES!” it can go straight to Hell.

This is now a couple of minutes of movie that I enjoyed. We see a futuristic magical city full of different types of fairies. We meet our other main character, Holly Short (Lara McDonnell), an Elf Lower-Elements Police Officer. She walks through the city and we get a Diagon Alley meets Star Wars cantina vibe. She sees Mulch Diggums who we learn is a Dwarf, but a very large Dwarf (read Human sized) and is a bit of an outcast because of it. He’s on his way to Howlers Peak, a fairy prison. She and Mulch have a friendly relationship but she doesn’t even say goodbye as he is shipped off for a 400 year sentence for breaking and entering. Still less time than MI6 are going to give him. 

Holly heads to the Police station where they are on high alert looking for the Aculos. Commander Root (Judi Dench), sorry wait a minute, let me re-phrase that: COMMANDER ROOT PLAYED BY DAME JUDI DENCH WHAT THE FUCKING SCHMOOKING SCHMOOK! HOW? WHY? HOW? WHY!?

“I’m afraid the producers have compromising footage of me. You see, I’m a life long furry and they threatened to release the tapes…”

 

“My God! Is that how they got you for CATS?”

 

“For what now?”

Root tells the cops that it is vital they find it before it’s too late. If the Aculos is not found it could bring doom upon the whole fairy race. Somehow. I dunno.

Quick moan here, Commander Root is male in the books. Why is this important? Because in the books Holly Short is supposed to be the first female Captain. Root is extra tough on her in the first book because he knows that she will be the poster child for all the women police captains to come so he wants her to be the best. Root is constantly pushing her, and when we learn the reason why it makes the character that was infuriating more like a father figure for Holly. An overbearing parent, but still a parent. Does the change mean the relationship doesn’t work anymore? No, not at all. Well it shouldn’t have any way. I don’t know if Academy Award Winner Dame Judith Olivia Dench CH DBE FRSA is a bad actor. I didn’t think she was. I was almost sure she was pretty good actually. What is she doing in this film? I feel like I’ve taken Crazy Pills!

“THEY RELEASED IT?! WORLDWIDE?! THEY PUT JAMES BLOODY CORDEN IN IT?!”

Holly speaks with Root about following a lead on her father at the Hill of Tara, who tells her no and that she is too invested in this case. The case of her father’s death. That no one else seems to be working on. Holly somehow doesn’t say “Of fucking course I’m invested in my father’s murder” and let’s it drop.

We go back to Artemis and Butler who are looking for fairies. Butler thinks Artemis needs some more help so he calls in Juliet Butler.

In the books, Juliet is Butler’s 16 year old sister who is almost as much of an ass-kicking machine as Butler is. In this she is Butler’s 12 year old niece (Tamara Smart), who’s sole contribution to the film is she brings Artemis a sandwich. 

It was at this point that I realised that the movie hated me and was actively wishing me harm.

Back in Haven City, the tech officer centaur Foaley (Nikesh Patel) tells Commander Root that there is a fairy on the surface. Because Holly is the only officer available, (I’m not being flippant they actually say that is the reason), she is chosen to go up and monitor who this rogue fairy is. 

She is launched up to Martina, Italy via magma shoot and she flies over a wedding where a Troll is about to chow down on some Italian…s. Holly distracts the Troll long enough for the rest of the fairies to arrange a Time Stop. The whole area is locked in time and the wedding guests have their memories wiped. The scene works and we actually get a fun action sequence of Holly flying around trying to stop as much devastation. After everything is back to normal and the troll is brought back below ground, Holly sneaks off to the Hill of Tara to find clues about her father’s death. Butler and Artemis are waiting for her and knock her out with a tranquiliser gun. 

She wakes up in Fowl Manor and tries to use her mind-control powers to get her capturers to let her go, but Artemis has everyone wearing reflective sunglasses so the magic doesn’t work. The Lower-Elements Police start trying to get Holly back by setting up a Time Bubble around Fowl Manor. 

For some reason the fairies set up the bubble so that Fowl Manor’s time runs normally but everything else around it freezes. We don’t see how far this goes, maybe the whole world which seems a bit excessive but I’m sure they know their business. A whole army of fairies land around the Manor and then Commander Root gets out of her ship and says:

This movie is a goddamn hate crime.

An elite retrieval team storms the grounds and Artemis and Butler come out to meet them armed with Holly’s fairy shape changing gun/sword/shield. The fairies are not trying to kill Artemis and Butler, but they don’t know that! They could have been taken out by Fairy sniper rifles as soon as they left the house.

Butler and Artemis take out the team without breaking a sweat. They also damage the time dome so the freeze in time won’t last much longer. 

“How do you DO this? How do you put yourself through this?”

“I TRIED TO STOP! YOU DRAGGED ME BACK INTO THIS!”

We get a scene of the kidnapper, Opal Koboi, oh I’m sorry did I spoil the surprise, speaking to Artemis Senior. She explains the reason she’s doing this is that humans not only kicked fairies out from the surface but then turned them into bedtime stories. And she’s going to use the power of the Aculos to take over the surface and wipe out humans. Then they ham-fist in the line “Fairies and Humans are incapable of friendship.” God damn it. She’s actually a really cool villain in the book, I swear guys.

Root goes into Fowl Manor to negotiate Holly’s release. Artemis says that he will expose the existence of Fairies if they don’t give him the Oculus Rift. And due to fairy rules, they aren’t allowed to enter the house “while I’m alive” (vampires, fairies, it’s all grist to the Disney company’s grinding cultural millstone). Root somehow thinks that because he didn’t specify every type of fairy in this statement that means she’s allowed to bring in a Dwarf. She pulls some strings to get Mulch Diggums brought out of prison to assist in the rescue. 

Then we get the most maddening scene in the whole movie. Artemis visits Holly in her cell and gloats. This is the dialogue:

Holly: You think this is a game!

Artemis: Game? My father is kidnapped.

Holly: My father is dead.

Artemis: … Can I trust you?

Holly: You’ll have to. You have no choice.

Artemis then takes off his sunglasses.

Artemis: How did he die?

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! How is this a real movie? How did someone get paid to write this? He’s kidnapped her! It’s been like 2 hours tops! They can’t bond this fast. They can’t be friends while one of them is still locked up! Holly Short is a police officer who has been captured. Her captive has made it so she can now hypnotize him, to MAKE HIM OPEN HER CELL AND LET HER FREE! She can now wipe his memory, but instead she tells him how her father got killed trying to get the Nintendo DS out of New Haven. Artemis realises that Holly’s father is the one who gave his father the Playstation Portable. Holly’s father is considered a criminal now because of his actions. Just like Artemis’ father. But really they are both noble heroes trying to keep these dangerous artifacts safe! God! Moving on! This scene cost me years of my life.

“I’M A MOUSE. I GET, LIKE, THREE.”

Mulch is brought up to the surface, fitted with an iris camera and sent to tunnels into the Manor. Dwarfs in Artemis Fowl have the ability to unhinge their jaws and inhale earth and…release it the other side. I wish I could blame the movie but this happens in the books too. I don’t know, it’s less weird in print I guess when you don’t actually see the Dwarf shitting out vast amounts of Earth. He ends up in the portrait gallery and coincidentally right beside the safe that holds the Nintendo Switch. Mulch cracks the safe with his magic beard. Artemis releases Holly and they both meet up with Mulch and take the Gameboy Advance. 

Artemis, Butler, Holly and Mulch are a team now. This happens without anyone explaining why, but it happens. 

Outside, Cudgeon, a LEP Captain that is loyal to Opal Koboi stages a coup of sorts and takes over the operation from Commander Root. He brings the Troll from earlier and sends it at the house. We get four minutes of rampage where our heroes have to survive the attack. The troll falls from the chandelier but Butler pushes Artemis out of the way and gets crushed instead. Holly and Artemis bring him to a chair and he dies. His niece isn’t here. Seems like they weren’t close.

Anyway before the tears start coming Holly uses her fairy magic to bring him back to life. Oh thank God for that. Outside the Time Dome fails and all the fairies are sucked back under ground, Mulch included. Holly is able to dodge the time stuff and stays to help Artemis use the Wii U.

They open a portal just as Opal is going to kill Artemis Senior and they are able to grab him and bring him back. Also the spell they use to make the portal is the same Incantation that they use in the book but it’s for something completely different and that’s not fan service that’s just pissing fans off. Father and son hug and Artemis Senior thanks Holly for the help and confirms that yes, Holly’s father was trying to protect the Playstation Vita so that’s why he gave it to an infamous art thief. He also gives her a list of names who may have been the person who killed him. That he had on his person. In case he ran into her. God!

Holly goes back to New Haven with the…damn I’ve run out of handheld consoles, wait the Oculus Rift isn’t even handheld, why did I start this? Root gives her control of her own task force to investigate each name on the list.

Artemis Senior and Junior talk about what they will do now and Artemis called Opal to tell her to get her affairs in order. Because he’s Artemis Fowl.

“Please, I could pull a better evil plot out from under my tail.”

The movie ends with Artemis breaking out Mulch from M16 and flying away with the promise of sequel after sequel, from now until the end of time please god no.

***

 

This is a baaaaaaaad movie. As a fan of the books I hated this, but if you have never heard of Artemis Fowl before you will hate it just the same. The fact that Covid-19 stopped this from coming to cinemas means that from now on I have to say, “Well, Coronavirus wasn’t all bad.”

“Lord, what a trainwreck. Who wrote this effluent? What clueless Hollywood dreck-shitter inflicted this on…”

Whaaaaaaaat?!

“CONOR MCPHERSON!?!”

“Who?”

“Conor McPherson?! Conor “Legit Claim to being the Greatest Living Irish Playwright” McPherson?!”

“Yes Mouse! I thought I was too good for theatre! Gaze upon me and learn from my mistake!”

“OH GOD! I SWEAR I WILL NEVER FORGET MY ROOTS AND KEEP CHRISTMAS IN MY HEART PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE!”

“Job done. Now, on to the scoring.”

Scoring

Adaptation: 06/25

It’s not the worst book adaptation (Probably World War Z). But it gets everything important wrong, including it’s main character.

Our Heroic Heroes: 10/25

There are two people called Artemis Fowl in the movie and neither of them are like the book character. We get some points here because Lara McDonnell is actually a passable Holly. I’ll even go as far and say she’s probably the strongest part of the movie.

Our Nefarious Villain: 03/25

This is where Artemis should be! Instead we have the charisma-less, faceless Opal Koboi.

Our Plucky Sidekicks: 08/25

Mulch, Root, Butler, Foley and Julliet. Josh Gad is fine I guess. But only because I can’t not like Josh Gad. Root and Butler are so disappointing. And Foley and Julliet are invisible.

Final Score: 27%.

Read the books instead. Please. I can’t believe I watched this again to do the review. 

Huge thanks to Eamonn Sharpson for filling in this week.  

Cover Reveal!

Howdy all, know what today is?

It’s Cover Reveal For The US Edition of Mouse’s Book Day! (and has been since the introduction of the Julian Calendar in 709).

HERE IT IS!

Ain’t it pretty?

Bat versus Bolts: The 2010s

Question: is the Dark Universe dead?

You remember the Dark Universe, surely? Universal’s attempt to create a shared cinematic universe with rebooted versions of their classic monsters? Is that still a thing? Because it seemed to be DOA with the failure of The Mummy. But then The Invisible Man came out this year and did really well and apparently is supposed to be part of the Dark Universe except the director says it isn’t and Universal are apparently refusing to admit its dead despite the fact that all of its upcoming movies appear to be either cancelled or delayed indefinitely and now the whole project seems (appropriately enough) neither alive nor dead.

And that kinda sucks. Not because I was particularly psyched for any of these proposed films but it’s gotta be galling for Universal to keep getting portrayed as failed Marvel wannabes considering they invented the whole concept of a shared cinematic universe all the way back in 1943. I mean obviously they wouldn’t be doing this if the MCU hadn’t made enough money to air condition Hell, but I personally feel that if any movie studio has a right to rip off Marvel, it’s Universal.

Turnabout, after all, is fair play.

In fact, I think you’d be hard pressed to find two non-comics characters who’ve had a bigger influence on comics as a whole than the Universal versions of Dracula and Frankenstein’s monster. For starters, as public domain characters, both DC and Marvel have incorporated their own versions of these characters into their respective universes. Marvel, in particular, made fantastic use of Dracula in their series Tomb of Dracula, which lasted a whopping 70 issues. And that’s not even counting the dozens (hundreds?) of characters in both of the Big Two publishers that take influence both subtle and overt from these two monsters. You can see Dracula’s lineage in Batman, Doctor Doom, Morbius and Count Nefaria whereas pretty much every hulking, misunderstood monster has a bit of Adam in him, whether we’re talking about the Thing, Bizarro, Solomon Grundy or the Incredible Hulk. So if Universal want to start turning their properties into ersatz superheroes to compete with Marvel, I say it’s less a case of stealing from your competitors than breaking into your neighbour’s house in the dead of night to take back the lawnmower that he “borrowed” from you eighty years ago and never bothered returning. And, like in that analogy, while it may be satisfying and even morally justified, it’s probably not a good idea.

I’ve spent this entire intro talking about Universal, but truth be told only one of today’s movies, 2014’s Dracula Untold, is from that studio. I would have preferred to pit two modern Universal monster movies against each other but according to the Dark Universe wiki (which is a thing that exists) the Dark Universe Frankenstein is just putting the finishing touches on.

Suuuuuuuuure it is.

so today Team Bolts is represented by I Frankenstein, a 2014 movie from Lionsgate that’s also trying to do the “shove a public domain monster into a superhero cape and see if he flies” thing. And guys, I swear to God, I’m not setting Team Bolts up to fail deliberately. After the last installment, I really didn’t want to see another curb stomp. But there’s no getting around it, I, Frankenstein is a staggeringly bad film, and leagues worse than Dracula Untold. Cunning and savvy reader that you are, you will notice that is not the same thing as saying that Dracula Untold is good.

The Adaptations

Fair is fair. Dracula Untold has a real, humdinger, “why didn’t I think of that?” killer high concept: what if the historical Dracula, Vlad “The Impaler” Tepes, had the powers of his fictional literary counterpart?

In the 15th Century, Prince Vlad (Luke Evans) of Transylvania and Wallachia is forced to defend his homeland from the invading forces of Sultan Mehmed II (played by Dominic Cooper. In brownface. In the year of Our Lord 2014). Vlad encounters a mysterious Vampire (Charles Dance) who offers to let him drink some of his blood, thereby gaining the powers of a vampire for three days. But if Vlad succumbs to temptation and drinks human blood, he will become a vampire permanently. Given that this is a movie with the name “Dracula” in the title, you can probably guess where that little subplot goes.

If, however, you can guess where I, Frankenstein is heading I will pay you serious money and also you probably should seek psychiatric help. We start conventionally enough with Victor Frankenstein dying in the Arctic after the events of the novel. The creature (Aaron Eckhart) returns to…generic…Europe…land to bury his father’s body. Then, he’s attacked by a group of demons and rescued by a group of gargoyles disguised as humans because apparently gargoyles aren’t actually statues but have been waging a secret war against demons since the dawn of time to protect humanity…

…and they take him to meet their Queen Leonore (Miranda Otto) who names the creature Adam and tries to recruit him into their war against the demons. Adam is obviously a gravelly voiced loner who plays by his own rules and instead spends the next few hundred years bumming around generic Europe Land until he gets caught in the war between gargoyles and demons again when the demon prince Naberious (Bill Nighy) tries to use Frankenstein’s research to create an army of reanimated corpses to serve as vessels for all the demons in Hell so that they can take over the world. Now, for all you purists out there popping your monocles and harrumphing that this is a complete bastardization of Mary Shelley’s work, yes, obviously, obviously it is that. The only thing this has in common with Mary Shelley is that I could believe whoever wrote this was doing serious drugs with Lord Byron. But I wish it was as entertaining a trash fire as I make it sound. Sad fact is, I, Frankenstein is just a boring, ugly, dour slog of a film with leaden portentous dialogue and CGI that would have looked bad for 2004, let alone 2014. Hell, 1994 might have wrinkled its nose at it. A lot of the people behind this also made Underworld in 2003, and it really does feel like a throwback to the early aughties; the God awful nu-metal soundtrack, the clear influence of The Matrix, and that very special kind of joyless suck that characterised so many bad movies from that decade. I got serious Van Helsing flashbacks, guys.

You weren’t there man.
You weren’t there.

Dracula Untold, conversely, is a strikingly handsome film. It makes good use of its Northern Irish location, the sets and costumes are all very well designed and there’s some very nice use of lighting and shadow. It’s a good looking film, but unfortunately, like many good looking people, it tries to coast without having an ounce of personality. This is what’s really infuriating about Dracula Untold, all the elements are there for a for a film that I would absolutely love. I like the actors, I think the premise is gold and the technical side is clearly staffed by people who know what they’re doing. The problem is really the script. It’s like the writers came up with this awesome premise and didn’t realise that that’s just the beginning of a good story, not the finished product. I have seen plenty of movies that had difficulty choosing a tone. This may be the first movie I’ve ever seen that doesn’t have a tone. It’s an atonal movie. The script doesn’t seem to be aiming for anything, whether it’s horror, comedy or tragedy. It’s just…there. It’s the narrative equivalent of a wikipedia page. That said, I do occasionally read Wikipedia for fun.

WINNER: Bats

The Monsters

Luke Evans has made a lucrative career for himself as the one good thing in movies I otherwise really didn’t like and I think he has the makings of a great Dracula.

One day I hope to see him play the character.

The script positions Dracula as a good, noble man who foreswears a life of violence to live in peace with his family. But when the Turks return like an old army mentor who needs you to come back for one last mission, Vlad has to risk his immortal soul to selflessly protect his land and people. And apart from the name and the vampire powers there is not a single, solitary point of similarity between this character and literally any version of Dracula I’ve seen or read. Oldman’s version also played up the Vlad the Impaler connection, but at least that movie had the good sense to establish that he was a bloody psycho killer even before he became a vampire. And near the end of the movie, after Dracula has sacrificed his humanity to save his son, the movie skips forward a few hundred years and we see Dracula in the present day, just chillin’ and stalking his reincarnated wife but in a cute romantic way. So…was this Dracula ever really a monster? Did he prey on Lucy Westenra and Mina Murray? Did he imprison Johnathan Harker and feed babies to his three vampire hoochie-mommas? There’s zero indication that he did. So in what sense is this even Dracula?

I had more or less the same feeling about Aaron Eckhart’s monster. “Pshaw!” I cried, “this isn’t Mary Shelley’s monster! This is just a mopey asshole who spends his time wandering aimlessly and bitching about how he doesn’t have a soul and humanity will never accept him and he really wants to get with his bland love interest but wouldn’t you know it…”

And then I thought…wait a minute, that is EXACTLY Mary Shelley’s monster. I mean, the movie is still dumber than shit but we gotta give them kudos for literary accuracy.

WINNER: Bolts

The Scientists Morally Dubious Mentor Figures

Dracula Untold has Charles Dance as a vampire.

“You haff sunk my battlesheep!”

If Luke Evans tends to be the one thing I like in movies I otherwise hate, then Charles Dance is that on steroids. Charles Dance has appeared in some appalling dogshit over the years, and he seems to take perverse joy in giving performances so much better than those movies deserve that it makes everything else look worse by comparison. He is masterful in Ali G Indahouse,  a tour de force in Space Truckers, pitch-perfect in Last Action Hero and his performance as Lord Vetinari in Going Postal will forever be the definitive take on that character. He is always the lone nugget of gold in the prospector’s shit.  And true to form, he finds the perfect wavelength of dark humour that the rest of the movie really needed to be operating on. And, again, no disrespect to Evans, but it’s really hard to enjoy a Dracula movie that also has Charles Dance in it. Because then you can’t stop thinking things like: “Why didn’t they just get Charles Dance to play Dracula? Shit, has Charles Dance ever played Dracula? Charles Dance should ABSOLUTELY play Dracula. Fuck, I need to make Charles Dance play Dracula. Could I kidnap Charles Dance and force him to play Dracula?” And so on.

By contrast, I, Frankenstein has Miranda Otto as Queen Leonore, head of the Gargoyle order.

Miranda Otto, seeing the script for the first time.

This is a character that I’m convinced came about when the script was incorrectly formatted, turning all the descriptive passages into dialogue. This is an actual line that Miranda Otto, a professional actor, was forced to say:

“The Gargoyle Order was commanded into being by the Archangel Michael. It is our sacred duty to wage war against the demon horde, the 666 legions of hell-born creatures unleashed by Satan after his fall from heaven. Humans think of us as mere decoration. They do not know, nor can they conceive, the brutal unseen war being fought around them every day. A war that may one day determine the fate of all mankind.”

There must be justice. Restitution must be made, and the writers should be put in a museum where their crimes can be re-contextualised. Justice for Miranda Otto.

WINNER: Bats

The Villains who are the real monsters, when you think about it: 

Friends, if even Bill Nighy doesn’t look he’s having a good time…well. Well.

“A bored, checked out Bill Nighy”. It just looks wrong to see it written down. It’s some weird gibberish.

Nighy plays Naberious, a name taken from a demon described by real life occultist Johann Weyer. Does knowing this little historical factoid make it any less ridiculous when otherwise very serious actors are forced to say things like “We have to stop Prince Naberious”?

Actually, yes, it does.

On the other hand…who thought Mr Epic Tanning Bed Disaster here was a good idea?

Performance wise he’s…fine? Does the trick? I dunno, like so much of this movie he’s just there. Gonna have to give this one to Bats though. Cooper doesn’t actually give the impression that he hates me for watching the movie, and honestly, I’m getting that vibe from Nighy.

“Fuck you, you bastard, I hope you die!”

“Jesus! It’s like being shivved by Santa Claus!”

Winner: Bats

The Perpetually Imperilled Ladies Bland Blondes

So by a weird coincidence both Dracula and the monster have love interests, they’re both blonde and they’re both so boring and underwritten my brain started hallucinating like I was in a sensory deprivation tank.

Sarah Gadon plays Mirena, Vlad’s wife.

While Yvonne Strahovski plays Terra, a scientist who starts out working for Naberious who turns good.

Shit, I just realised I put those pictures in the wrong order. Ah well. Of the two characters, Terra has the more interesting arc on paper as she starts out as a villain before changing sides and learning to love the monster despite his grotesque, abominable appearance…

Sarah Gadon does more with less. It’s a completely stock “worried wife” part but she plays the part with a winning tenderness.

Also, I have gone two Dracula movies now without sexy vampire ladies and that is rank bullshit.

Winner: Bats.

Are either of these movies actually, y’know, scary?

I’ve dug scarier things out from under my fingernails.

WINNER: TIE.

Best Dialogue:

Ooof. Real “Thinnest Kid at Fat Camp” contest here. I do like “What kind of man crawls into his own grave in search of hope?” from Dracula Untold. 

I, Frankenstein’s best line is “You’re only a monster if you behave like one” because it rises to the giddy heights of not being actively awful.

Winner: Bats.

FINAL SCORE: Bats 5, Bolts 1

NEXT UPDATE: 08 October 2020

NEXT TIME: Next month sees the triumphant return of Shortstember!

*Checks calendar*

Next month sees the triumphant launch of the very first ShortsTOBER!

To celebrate my first month as a full time writer, I’ve dedicating the whole month to mini-reviews of one of my favourite animated series of all time.

Bats Versus Bolts: The Silent Era

Okay, paws in the air, I kinda goofed with this one.

My whole concept (nay, vision!) for Bats versus Bolts is taking a Frankenstein movie and a Dracula movie that are contemporaneous and comparing them side to side to see whatever random insights on movie-making or film history or social trends or whatever crap shakes loose basically. The point is, they’re supposed to be films from the same era. Frankenstein and Dracula  were both released in 1931. Curse of Frankenstein and Horror of Dracula were a year apart. Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein followed two years after Bram Stoker’s Dracula. 

Conversely, while the better known of today’s movies, Nosferatu, came out in 1922, our representative for Team Bolts was released a full dozen years previously. Frankenstein was released in 1910, and the more I’ve come to work on this post the more I’ve realised that comparing these two movies is kind of farcical. Firstly, while both movies do belong to “the silent era”, that’s a definition so broad as to be almost useless. The silent era lasted over forty years, and went through multiple evolutions and revolutions in style, technology and presentation. Secondly, while all of the other matchups in this series were made in the same country (America, the UK and America again), here we’re comparing a very primitive silent American short from 1910 and one of the greatest examples of German expressionism in all of film from over a decade later. Is that in any way a fair or meaningful comparison to make?

Is it bollocks. But here we are.

Anyway, let’s talk about the amoral scientist and the bloodsucking monster. Let’s talk about Thomas Edison.

“Ha! Good one!”

“Nikola Tesla? I thought you were dead!”

“Oh you are adorable.”

I have way too many immortal, dark haired, mustachioed men in my life. Far too many.

Anyway, age before beauty, so let’s talk about Frankenstein first. The movie was the product of Edison Studios, who produced and screened the first commercial motion pictures in the United States using the kinetoscope, drooling neanderthal ancestor of the modern movie projector which Edison may even have invented because fuck it, anything’s possible in this crazy world of ours. Now, although Edison’s name is all over this movie he actually had next to nothing to do with its creation (I know, shocking). Being on the ground floor of the new medium, the Edison company could claim many firsts such as the first romance, the first boxing film and the first Western filmed in America The Great Train Robbery (hilariously, the very first Western, Kidnapped by Indians, was filmed in Lancashire four years previously). While they may have done it first, Edison rarely did it best and the studio’s output is not very highly regarded amongst silent era fans, although more recent re-discoveries have helped rehabilitate their reputation somewhat.

Rather charmingly, Frankenstein was a movie that was thought dead and then brought back to life. The film was thought irretrievably lost like around 75% of all silent films made in America, due to being filmed on nitrate which had the durability and flammability of a rummy’s fart. Thankfully, a copy of the film was discovered in the seventies, somewhat the worse for wear but still viewable. And by viewable, I mean “you can watch it right now” as it’s only 12 minutes long and the copyright on it has expired and it’s not like Thomas Edison is going to rise from the grave demanding it be taken down from YouTube.

“…right?”

“Oh no. He’s definitely dead. Heh heh heh.”

“Not gonna ask.”

Anyway, enough talking about the production of Frankenstein because we need to talk about the production of Nosferatu like right now. One of the greatest horror films of all time. Terrifying even to this day. What kind of production company could create such a thing?

If told you that it was a production company created by a mysterious German occultist to produce supernatural themed films which then folded suddenly after creating this one, terrifying masterpiece would you, as I did, punch the air and say “Oh fuck yes“? Because that’s what we’ve got here, people. That’s what happened. Fuck yes.

Now, granted, the reason why occultist Albin Grau’s Prana Films folded does not include mysterious drained corpses showing up every which way, and more’s the pity. It actually had to do with Bram Stoker’s widow suing his Teutonic testes for filming an unauthorised version of her husband’s novel.

Do not come between an Irishwoman and her royalties. She will cut you down.

Anyway, despite the film-makers hunnish perfidy, what they created still stands almost a century later as the greatest vampire film of all time. And yes, it’s also public domain so you can watch that too.

The adaptations

Frankenstein really is a film from a time before anyone knew what the fuck they were doing in terms of pacing and staging.

Scene 1: Frankenstein goes to college and says goodbye to his fiancée and father.

Scene 2: Frankenstein discovers the secret to LIFE ITSELF.

And, from a modern understanding of cinematic language, both of these scenes are treated with equal importance. The story is extremely faithful to Shelley’s novel with a few minor changes like the monster no longer being created from body parts, the monster no longer pursuing Frankenstein across Europe, the monster now being a manifestation of Frankenstein’s dirty thoughts who vanishes once Frankenstein’s love for his bride reaches “full strength and freedom from impurity” like some kind of isotope, the monster apparently being jealously in love (?) with Frankenstein and the story ending with the monster vanishing and Frankenstein happily married. But other than that, y’know. Pretty much a page for page retelling.

Alright, it’s easy to scoff, but remember. This was a time when people couldn’t see a train coming towards them onscreen without running screaming from the theatre. A jig-sawed together shambling corpse man might have led to a fatal epidemic of the vapours.

In Germany in the 1920s, of course, they were made of sterner stuff. Young German lawyer Jonathan Harker Thomas Hutter travels to Transylvania at the behest of his employer Mister Renfield Herr Knock to sell a house to the mysterious Count Dracula Orlock. Upon suspecting that his host is a vampire and a threat to English virtue pure Aryan womanhood*, he escapes the castle and returns home to save his wife Mina Ellen from Draculock with the help of Abraham Van Helsing Professor Bulwer.

“See ALL you motherfuckers in court.”

WINNER: BATS

The Monsters

Edison Studios specifically set out to make a tamer, uncontroversial version of Mary Shelley’s story, which is why, instead of sewing his monster together out of cadavers, this Frankenstein makes his monster like he’s microwaving some popcorn or something. This scene, incidentally, was described by Edison’s own publicity as “the most weird, mystifying and fascinating scene ever shown on a film” which is probably true considering that the medium was so young that people would pay to watch a dude sneezing. But fair is fair, the creation scene where the monsters flesh slowly forms on a dancing skeleton is genuinely creepy. Actually, the silent era may have been a perfect time for horror films. The jerky unreality of the motion, the complete absence of any human voice, it all combines to give the queasy sense of watching a nightmare unfold.

As I mentioned, the monster (played by Charles Stanton Ogle) is not a reanimated assemblage of dead body parts, but a manifestation (I guess) of the evil in Frankenstein’s soul that he has to purge, adding in a bit of Jekyll and Hyde to the story. It’s not a great film, but it’s honestly a pretty great monster.

But. Y’know. Let’s not kid ourselves.

He may not be the most layered Dracula. He may not be the most compelling Dracula. He may not be the most faithful Dracula. He may not, strictly speaking, be a Dracula.

He is by far the most terrifying Dracula.

Nearly a century later, no director, no actor, no special effects maestro has come close to creating the pure, skin-crawling wrongness of Max Schreck’s Orlock. If Lugosi’s Dracula is still the default for this character in the collective consciousness, it’s because Lugosi is safe. Cuddly, goofy, easily imitated. Schreck, I think, never had the permanent residence in all our minds that Lugosi does because we fundamentally do not want him there.

WINNER: BATS

The Scientists

Augustus Phillips’ performance as Victor Frankenstein is…well, it’s a silent movie performance from 1910. Big expressions, big gestures, not exactly bringing forth the subtle and nuanced layers of the character, you feel me? This is definitely the most innocent Frankenstein we’ve seen so far. For all that the film makes his inner evil the source of the monster, we see absolutely nothing of that in his interactions with the other characters. He seems driven a by a pure, childlike urge to discover. He doesn’t even engage in grave robbing! Frankly, I don’t see this Frankenstein fitting in very well with the rest of the gang.

“….”

“He hasn’t said anything in FIVE HOURS!”

“Possibly a mute. A vivisection of his throat might yield the answers we seek.”

“Oh! We could replace his tongue with an eel! And then use amniotic fluid…”

“And who, pray tell, let you out of your box?”

Our Van Helsing analogue, Bulwer, doesn’t really do much besides hanging outside Ellen’s bedroom looking worried so we’re going to give Team Bolts the win here just to prevent this from being a total blow-out.

WINNER: BOLTS

The Dashing Young Men

Okay. Straight face. So.

*giggle*

Sorry, sorry. Serious now. So. Thomas Hutter is played by GUSTAV VON WANGENHEIM.

That was his name and it is perfect.

“Why is this funny, please?”

“Oh nothing, nothing you gorgeous teutonic slab, you.”

Anyway, Nosferatu skillfully avoids the Too Many Dudes problem by just…not having the extra dudes. I mean c’mon. It’s 1922.

“You expect Quincey Morris? In this economy?!”

Hutter is basically German Johnathan Harker, and so is more efficient and hard working and is basically a more traditional hero than most Harkers in that he retains the main narrative focus for most of the film. Like most silent movie stars Wangenheim seems to have got the job for his ability to look VERY HAPPY or VERY SCARED as the scene requires but hey, that was what the medium needed.

Frankenstein doesn’t really have a male lead outside of Frankenstein himself, so Bats gets this by default.

Winner: Bats

The Perpetually Imperilled Ladies

I wish there was more I could say about Mary Fuller’s Elizabeth Frankenstein but…it’s kind hard to judge this performance because a) she’s hardly in it b) the picture quality is terrible and c) every scene she’s in is just terribly, terribly framed.

“What a perfectly staged shot” said someone in 1910.

I went down a bit of a wiki wormhole with Mary Fuller, honestly, and this film really doesn’t do her justice.

She was one of the biggest movie stars in the world for a few years in the late teens as well as being a successful screenwriter. But after a few flops she suddenly became persona non grata in Hollywood. She tried to re-start her career in the twenties to no avail and suffered a nervous breakdown after the death of her mother and spent the last 26 years of her life in a mental institution. It’s heartbreaking.

In Nosferatu, Greta Schroder plays Ellen, our Mina who is quite a fascinating character, honestly. On the one hand she is portrayed as a demure, wilting virgin who doesn’t even like to see flowers killed. But by the end, she’s actually one of the more pro-active and heroic Minas. Entirely on her own bat (heh) she researches vampires and then sacrifices her own life to lure Orlock so that he can be destroyed by the dawn’s sunlight (an invention of Murnau, vampires had never been depicted as being harmed by daylight prior to this). Couple that with quite a lot of screentime, and you could argue she’s actually the movie’s principal hero.

No vampire ladies unfortunately because it was the twenties and feeding on the blood of the living was considered unladylike.

Winner: BATS

Are either of these movies actually, y’know, scary?

Frankenstein is a little creepy which is far more than I expected from a 110 year old film.

But Nosferatu…shit. Did you hear that? Sounds like someone’s coming up the stairs…

Winner: BATS

Best Dialogue:

Real close contest here. I do love the line “……………” from Frankenstein but Nosferatu has the absolutely iconic “……………..” (even though it’s been ruined by being quoted so often).

WINNER: TIE

FINAL SCORE: Bats 5,Bolts 1

NEXT UPDATE: September 24th 2020

NEXT TIME: Bats versus Bolts month continues and it’s time for us to jump to the other end of movie history. It’s the 2010s. Which means it’s time for sexy superhero monsters who FUCK.

* Okay, because nothing originating in Weimar Germany can be discussed without bringing the fucking Nazis into it let’s get this out of the way. The movie has been accused of perpetuating anti-Semitic tropes with Orlock and Herr Knock. It’s not entirely invalid reading but honestly I think it’s people reading things into the movie with the benefit of hindsight rather than anything consciously placed there by the film-makers. Murnau emigrated to the States long before the Nazis came to power and as a gay man who worked with many Jewish collaborators, I doubt he was a fan.