Neil Sharpson's Blog, page 18

Disney Reviews with the Unshaved Mouse #59: Raya and the Last Dragon

Before we get into the review, I want to address something. Certain commenters (who shall, by virtue of me being the bigger mouse, remain nameless) stated in my last review that I have been “negative” and “harsh” on the Disney canon of late.

Let’s call this out for what it is: VICTIM BLAMING.

It’s a pernicious practice, and I will not tolerate it particularly if I’m the victim. Have I been harsh on Disney recently? Scathing? Even cruel? Yes. But who threw the first punch?

Exactly.

Raya is a historically significant film and definitely represents a demarcation point in the history of the canon. This is, after all, the first canon movie to go straight to streaming (although it did receive a restricted theatrical run). It also, to me, represents the irrevocable “shrinking” of movies. There are no big releases any more, there are no big unifying cultural moments. A few years ago I remember walking home one night and hearing a group of girls on the other side of the road spontaneously bursting into a chorus of “Let it Go” but it kinda feels like that kind of culturally ubiquitous megahit can’t happen any more. There’s too much content. We’re all watching different things. A movie being released in the cinema was kind of an imprimatur of significance, but the cinema might not have survived the decade even without Covid shoving it into a shallow grave. Gloria Swanson was right, she was just off by half a century.

Sorry, this is all frightfully maudlin. I guess for me Raya is less a movie and more a totem of a strange and tragic moment in history.

Also, I don’t really want to talk about it because it sucks and apparently that’s a dangerous opinion. Lindsay Ellis talked shit about this movie and I’m pretty sure she’s dead now or in witness protection or something.

Anyway. Raya and the Last Dragon. Thank you Covid, for sparing me the price of a cinema ticket. I don’t care what they say, ya ain’t all bad.

So before we begin, we should probably address the thorny issue of South East Asian representation in this film. Well, what’s your opinion? Good. I agree totally and there’s no further need to discuss the matter. On we go.

The movie opens with our heroine, Raya, riding a giant pillbug named Tuk Tuk through a great wilderness filled with mysterious statues. It is a stunning display of just what Disney’s CGI is now capable of.

The skin, the hair, the way the sunlight is just hazy enough to let you know the air is filled with dust. I’ve mentioned before that it’s somewhat dispiriting to live in a time when even the most mediocre animation studio has access to computers so advanced that by rights they should be allowed to vote and can crank out jaw-droppingly beautiful imagery. But Raya shows right off the bat why Disney are still on the God-tier of American animation. And then the movie has to open its stupid fucking mouth:

“I know what you’re thinking. A lone rider. A dystopian world.”

This is what, frankly, has absolutely baffled me about the response to Raya:

This is a terribly written movie. The dialogue sucks, the jokes are awful, the story is built on a card house of bad choices and and and…sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. Okay. That opening line. Why is it so bad? Well one, it makes no sense. There’s nothing “dystopian” about the landscape around Raya, it looks fucking idyllic. I mean sure, it’s a little grim once you know what those statues actually are but we don’t at this point. Secondly, okay imagine this:

“Han! I got him! Like I’m in a space opera or something!”

CHARACTERS. DON’T. KNOW. WHAT. GENRE. THEY’RE. IN.

Having Raya just coming out and saying that this is a dystopia…real people don’t talk like that. I can’t buy her now as a real person actually living in this world. In fact, so much of the dialogue has this deeply phoney quality that makes it impossible to relate to any of the characters. Raya then tells us that to understand what happened to this pleasant and verdant hellscape we must travel “500 years ago”. She tells us that this land used to be known as Kumandra and we see an admittedly beautiful stylised map that demonstrates with incredible fidelity exactly how rivers don’t work.

Every potamologist in the world just started bleeding from the eyes.

Kumandra was a vibrant happy land where all peoples lived in harmony under the benevolent rule of a race of water dragons until the Druun appeared, a physical manifestation of Disney’s artists collectively failing to give a shit any more. I will go into my feelings on the Druun later, let’s press on. The Druun spread across the land turning people into stone. The dragons tried to stop them and were also turned into stone. Finally, when all hope seemed lost, the day was saved by the last surviving dragon, Sissu.

Man, I gotta watch that movie again.

Sissu channelled all her power into a magical gem and blasted the Druun away, restoring the petrified people but not the dragons and leaving nothing but Sissu’s stone behind. Okay, got it, all caught up. Movie start now?

As if.

Raya says that this should have been “this big, inspirational moment” (for sure) but instead the people of Kumandra formed into five seperate nations and battled each other for control of the gem. But that’s not how the world broke because to understand how that happened we have to have another flashback to when Raya was just a little girl.

I feel like I’ll need to take a break every now and then to remind you that everything, EVERYTHING, that is happening on screen is absolutely smurges. Technically, this is just an amazingly accomplished film. But ultimately it feels like a faberge egg, a shiny, beautiful surface with an empty, hollow core.

Anyway Raya, with the help of a tiny Tuk Tuk, is trying to break into the temple where Sissu’s stone is held. She gets to the inner sanctum but is stopped by a masked man with a kickass chainsword. They battle and he defeats her but she does manage to get her toe into the inner circle where the stone is kept. It’s then revealed that this is Benja, Raya’s father and the chieftain of the land of Heart. He tells her that she has passed the test and that she is now a guardian of the Stone of Sissu.

He then tells her that the other lands are on their way to Heart and orders Raya to show him her best exposition skills. Raya then rattles of the names of the other four kingdoms and what their basic deal is:

Fang: Undercut Cat Ladies.

Tail: Desert Bastards.

Spine: Ice Klingons.

Talon: River Bastards.

Benja says they will be dealing with the other tribes by serving them soup and Raya chimes in “We’re going to poison them?!”

“Wow. Just casually opening with mass murder huh? Just keep smiling Benja, just keep smiling…”

Benja explains that he’s actually invited the other tribes for a banquet with the hopes of unifying them once again as Kumandra. The other tribes arrive and things are pretty tense at first. But Raya strikes up a friendship with the Fang princess Namaari and before you know it they’re talking about how they both love dragons and hating wearing fancy clothes “on the regular”.

Children don’t talk like this. And if they do? To hell with ’em.

So now’s a good time to talk about my single biggest issue with this movie. This is a movie about trust, and the difficulty in giving it to people who’ve already hurt us. All well and good. And it explores this theme through the relationship between Raya and Namaari. And that’s the problem, their relationship before Namaari betrays Raya is nothing. They had brunch and found they have some common interests and engaged in incredibly cringey What the Young People Talk Like dialogue. This betrayal is what sets Raya on the path of being an embittered loner and and…like…she knew this chick for FIVE MINUTES.

Here’s what I would have done: establish that this banquet of Benja’s has been an annual thing for several years now. Have it that Benja has been slowly and patiently using diplomacy to bring the tribes together. AND you establish that his closest ally in this has been Virana, Namaari’s mother and the chieftain of Fang. Fang and Heart have been moving closer for years and Namaari has spent so much time in Heart that Raya thinks of her almost as a sister. THEN, during the banquet you have Raya overhear some Fang soldiers talking about stealing the Stone of Sissu. Horrified, Raya goes to Virana and Namaari, thinking that these soldiers are clearly just rogue agents. But, it turns out that Virana has just been playing a years long game to gain Benja’s trust and steal the stone. And worse, Namaari is in on it. NOW we’ve got a betrayal with some actual meat on its bones.

Anyway, Fang tries to steal the gem which leads to all five tribes having a ruck which ends with the gem smashed in pieces on the floor. Suddenly, the Druun attack and most of Heart, including Benja, are turned to stone. Before he’s petrified, he gives Raya a shard of the stone and tells her not to lose faith in people and then pushes her off a bridge which is sending mixed messages, frankly.

Six years later, Raya is Mad Maxing it through the desert of Tail on a now massive Tuk Tuk. So, I will say this for Raya and the Last Dragon: as a movie it’s a hell of a video game, and I’m not just talking about how, with its transforming divine dragons with magic stones it would be right at home in the Fire Emblem series. Raya riding Tuk Tuk through the desert looks like an awesome open-world vehicle section. Her chain-sword looks like a really fun weapon/traversal mechanic. The other tribes all provide an interesting mix of mooks with different fighting styles. And then of course there’s the central quest of finding all five gem pieces, as computer gamey a plot as you could imagine. Hell, each gem even unlocks different abilities to open up previously unexplored areas of the map. Raya feels like watching a computer game, and I know in this era of Let’s Play videos some of you have been fooled into thinking that that’s a fun time. I know, because I’m an eldest sibling we invented that shit.

Anyway, Raya sees a beached ship in the distance and makes a beeline for it before being attacked by a Druun. Okay, let’s talk about the Druun.

What is this phoned in, half-assed, slap-dash, zero-effort bullshit? A lot of work went into crafting Kumandra, from the architecture to the clothing of the various tribes. So I’m really baffled why anyone thought having the movie’s main villains be utterly generic, glowing-purple blob things was good enough. We have reached the nadir of modern Disney villainy.

No personality. No emotion. No style. No substance. No class. No cool factor. Just vague, undefined threat.

Raya is able to see the Druun off with her shard of Sissu’s stone and enters the shipwreck. She performs a ritual and prays to Sissu to return so that she can restore her father. We get no explanation as to where she learned this ritual and I actually really like that. The movie trusts that you can piece together that Raya’s been off having adventures for the last six years, trying to figure out how to bring Sissu back. Anyway, this works and the world’s dragon population goes from 0 to 1. Which is good, because if Raya and the Last Dragon was just Raya that would be flagrant false advertising.

Raya’s joy is tempered somewhat by the realisation that Sissu is less a mighty, all-powerful dragon deity and more like the nervous intern who got left in charge of the office after all the staff came down with flu. So again, I reiterate that (with the exception of the Druun) all the visuals in this are top notch and Sissu is no exception. I love the design, the texture of the fur and particularly the motion. Buuuuuuut…

So as a wise-cracking blue magical sidekick creature who’s also a dragon there are obvious parallels to be drawn, if one were so inclined, to both Genie and Mushu. But here’s the problem. No disrespect to Awkwafina who’s a very talented comedian and who’s vagina (I have it on excellent authority) is approximately 5000% better than a penis. But she’s not Robin Williams or Eddie Murphy at the peak of their comedic powers which means she has to rely on the script for her comedic character to actually be…funny.

Yeah, we’re in trouble.

Anyway, Raya explains to Sissu everything that’s been happening and they resolve to get the five gem pieces, crazy glue ’em back together and use Sissu’s magic to blast the Druun away to the dread CGI assets folder from whence they came. First order of business is to find the Tail chieftain who’s holed herself up in a booby trapped cave. I do like the way the movie shows without telling that, while the other kingdoms are more or less holding their own against the Druun, Tail has just fallen apart, to the point that their chief ended up as a hermit living in a cave. It makes sense, the Druun are repelled by water so obviously the desert kingdom is going to be hit hardest. They get the stone without too much trouble and Sissu gets a new upgrade, the ability to transform into a people for stealth missions. Suddenly, they’re interrupted by the arrival of Namaari with troops from Fang.

“Hey Raya.”

Actually, she greets Raya by saying “what’s dripping?”

Namaari asks Raya why she’s stealing gem pieces and Raya responds “what can I say, bling is my thing.”

Raya and Sissu manage to escape and are pursued across the desert by Namaari and her troops. They find a floating restaurant run by a child entrepenuer named Captain Boun and convince him to sail them to Talon for the next item on the fetch quest.

Okay, do you know what other Disney canon movie Raya reminds me of the most? Go on, guess. Then scroll down.

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If you guessed correctly, well done. If you guessed “Mulan”…yikes.

Like Cauldron, Raya is a fantasy quest movie that suffers from severe character bloat. Every tribe Raya visits leads to her picking up a new party member (or FOUR) and by the end the team consists of Raya, Tuk Tuk, Sissu, Boun, a Spine warrior named Tong, a sociopathic baby from Talon named Noi and her entourage of three “ongis” which are basically monkeys.

“We’ve got the ongis!” Let’s see the ongis!”

NINE CHARACTERS. THAT IS TAKING THE ABSOLUTE PISS.

What possible reason could the movie have for having that many oh why do I even bother asking…

Anyway, Raya goes into Talon to try and steal the gem shard from the chief but gets waylaid when she’s mugged by Noi and the ongis.

She gets the gem shards back and asks Noi if she’d like some honest work, by which she means “robbing the chief of Talon”. So…less “honest work” and more “impressing a vulnerable child into even more dangerous crime”. Meanwhile, Sissu decides that the best way to get the gem shard is to offer the chief a gift and just ask him nicely. Not understanding how money works, she just tries to buy stuff on credit until a nice old lady intervenes on her behalf with some angry shopkeepers.

With Noi providing a distraction, Raya breaks into the palace only to discover that the guy she thought was the Talon chief has already been turned to stone and that the new chief is actually that nice old lady who is now in the process of feeding Sissu to the Druun unless she spills her guts on the location of the other shards. Raya arrives, grabs the shard from the old lady, rescues Sissu and they race back to the boat and head for Spine.

In Spine they meet Tong who’s basically the last unpetrified Spine warrior which is weird because Spine is covered in snow which you’d think would repel the Druun but whatever.

Last item on the agenda is Fang’s shard and the gang discuss how best to get it. Raya wants a daring sneak attack, but Sissu (who has not yet internalised that people are trash) instead outlines a plan whereby she simply asks Namaari nicely for the gem shard, gets it and then they become best friends for ever and dance off into the sunset.

Literally the only joke in this thing that landed for me.

The massed throng of supporting characters are dubious about this plan because they don’t like those Fang bastards for the same reason I don’t like Newt Gingrich: they basically destroyed the entire world. Sissu wants to believe that Namaari actually wants to restore the world just as much as they do but Raya shoots her down.

“You gotta trust me on this, I’ve known her for five minutes longer than you have.”

So Sissu flies Raya to Heart to see the statues of her dragon siblings and tells her the story of how she was able to defeat the Druun because her family trusted in her. Raya decides to give Namaari a chance and sends Noi and the ongis to deliver a message to her. Namaari shows up at the meeting spot with the Fang gem shard but oh noes…

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee—I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says, ‘Fool me once, shame on… shame on you. Fool me—you can’t get fooled again.”- George W. Bush.

Sissu tries to talk Namaari out of it but when Raya sees Namaari’s finger tightening on the trigger she lashes out with her chain sword which causes Namaari to fire and she hits Sissu who falls off the cliff but we don’t see the body but whatever, I’m sure she’s really dead.

This causes all the water in the world to…go away. I mean, there are still clouds in the sky and moisture in peoples bodies but…just, the rivers and stuff. It makes sense, shut up. You’re just jaded. This causes the Druun to show up and start turning people to stone left and right like the White Witch at a Christmas Fair. Namaari is devastated because, to quote Oscar Wilde; to cause one apocalypse may be regarded as misfortune, to cause two looks like carelessness.

Raya is pissed and, fair is fair, the sequence of her storming into Fang, sword in hand, using her stone to curbstomb Druun left and right is frickin’ awesome. She finds Namaari in the throne room where her mother has already been turned to stone and the two throw down.

“Cos baby now we got BAAAD blood, y’know it used to be MAAAAD love…”

While that’s going down, the great mass of Raya’s sidekicks descend on Fang like the Rohirrim riding down a hill and try to save as many people as possible with the now fading gem shards. Raya defeats Namaari and is about to give her an even closer shave when Namaari points out that Raya is just as culpable for Sissu’s death for refusing to trust her when she was pointing a crossbow right at her (I swear to God I had this exact same bullshit from a girlfriend in college). They put aside their differences and try to stop the Druun but end up surrounded by them along with Boun, Tong, Baby Noi, the three ongi, Tuk Tuk, Sammy the Happy Squid, Mr Bumple, The Incredible Zee, Fourth US Vice President George Clinton, One Eyed Maurice, Strong Jim, King of Drum, Many Waters Chieftain of the Arapahoe Tribe, Stan Lee, Juggling Billy, all 101 Dalmatians, Michael Jordan, The Great Gazoo and Sarcastic Map of Wartime Europe.

“See, this is why I wanted you to review Raya! It was my big break!”

When all hope seems lost, Raya realises that it’s trust that makes the stones work so she tells the others that they have to let Namaari have the gem shards and trust her to do the right thing. They’re leery, obviously, but one by one they give her the shards and are turned to stone. As there are approximately three hundred of them, this scene obviously takes around six hours. Namaari assembles the stone but it doesn’t work.

But then it does!

Druun gone, dragons back, Sissu still alive, everyone no longer stone, Kumandra reunited, happy ever after all live, movie over is.

***

While it’s nowhere near as aggressively obnoxious as Wreck It Ralph 2, Raya fails to even meet the standard of Frozen 2 and that is a problem. It suffers from many of the same problems as Frozen 2 like character bloat and often rote, derivative world-building. But Frozen 2 at least had a decent songbook and good writing on a scene to scene basic even if it was structurally weak. After three lacklustre entries I have to call it: the canon’s in trouble.

“Well, those three movies made a combined total of $2.1 billion dollars but if YOU don’t like ’em I guess we’re fucked.”“What happened to you, man?”“I won. Forever.”

Scoring

Animation: 18/20

Disney have now pretty much perfected the art of hanging human skin. Okay, let me rephrase that. The skin textures and how they hang of the structures of the bodies is phenomenal. The landscapes are gorgeously rendered and the movie is an absolute treat for the eyes.

Lead: 15/20

I went back and forth on this. There’s a lot I really like about Raya. The visual design is absolutely kickass. And I do like the moody, troubled adult Raya as a character (the young Raya is honestly one of the most obnoxious child characters I’ve seen in many an age). That said, this a character that feels market tested to an inch of her life. She’s a little bit of Korra, a little bit of Adora. She’s quirky, but badass, broody but goofy, tough but vulnerable. I honestly can’t figure out if she’s a complex rounded character or just a collection of traits that tested will with the target demographic. I feel that when they were designing this character someone was looking over the animator’s shoulder going…

Villain: 01/20

I am annoyed at how annoyed I am by the Druun.

Supporting Characters: 06/20

Fine, the baby’s cute.

Music: 11/20

No songs, but James Newton Howard’s soundtrack has some nice moments.

FINAL SCORE: 51%

NEXT UPDATE: 02 September 2021

NEXT TIME: Okay, so…I may have some rather big writing projects coming down the line. But (but!) provisionally (provisionally!) I want to dedicate Shortstember to Disney TV Animation. First up?

Let’s. Get. DANGEROUS.

Book Launch (Last one, I promise)

On 27 July 5 PM (Irish Time), Trilby Black, Daniel Bensen and I will be celebrating the birth of our book triplets! Join us for chat, readings and raffles! Entry is a mere $5 which will go towards your next purchase from Magers and Quinn! Link HERE.

About Interchange: A year ago, Anne Houlihan uncovered a wormhole to Junction, a patchwork planet of competing alien biomes. Now, she and Daisuke are going back to investigate “The Howling Mountain,” the possible location of a wormhole into space. Her mission headed by an eccentric millionaire, Anne believes she will have a chance to learn more about the origin of Junction and its varied ecosystems. The mission has purposes beyond what she knows, however, and so does the planet. As the expedition tears its way across the alien landscape, Anne must fight to protect its lifeforms, herself, and the Earth.

Daniel M. Bensen writes science fiction, alternate history, and fantasy. He is the author of Junction, its sequel Interchange, the comic book First Knife, and the Sidewise award-winning short story “Treasure Fleet.” He resides in Sofia, Bulgaria with his daughters, wife, and in-laws in the Balkan Tower of Matriarchy.

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About Finnegan’s Awake: Since birth, Rain Wooten has been trained by her secret-agent parents to hate and destroy the enemies of America. But when a pizza delivery turns into an armed kidnapping gone wrong, she is thrust into the world of normal people, where right and wrong are no longer so clear, and reality is even harder to determine.

Trilby Black is an academic science editor who previously worked in astronautics, blue-sky research, and academia, with stints between running a wooden passenger ferry, teaching math in the local youth prison, and raising two children. She has lived in Colorado, France, Texas, and the UK. Currently, she works and lives with her family in Suffolk, England. Finnegan’s Awake is her first novel.

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About When the Sparrow Falls:

“JESUS CHRIST WE KNOW!”

My talk with Cory…

Last night I had a fascinating sitdown with author/journalist/activist/world’s most interesting man Cory Doctorow where we discussed the book, technology, society and not to brag but we basically solved everything. The whole shebang was recorded and you can watch it HERE.

Hercules and Xena: The Animated Movie-The Battle for Mount Olympus (1998)

Firstly, I have to thank regular commenter Lupin the 8th for sending me the media file that allowed me to finally (finally) cross this review off the old list.

Hercules: The Legendary Journeys starring Kevin Sorbo was a TV series that ran from 1995 to 1999 that dared to ask the question: what if Greek mythology was Baywatch?

It was an occasionally entertaining, perenially stupid mid-nineties hunk of cheese now best remembered it’s much more influential spin-off show. Lucy Lawless appeared as a villain in Hercules before audiences said “More hot lady in the leather who kicks ass please” and Xena the Warrior Princess was born. Basically think “Distaff Hercules with more nineties ‘tude and the blatant homoeroticism delivered with a saucy wink instead of a slack-jawed stare”.

It was, simultaneously, a hugely important and influential chapter in the history of women in television and a queer cultural touchstone and dumb as all hell. This was the show that depicted Abraham and Julius Caesar as contemporaries despite the fact that Abraham was more ancient to Julius Caesar than Julius Caesar is to us.

Together, these two shows formed a kind of mini-television universe…

“Three shows.”“Whazzat?”“There was also a prequel series called Young Hercules.”“What?”“What?!”“Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa…”“Uh, Mouse, the review?”“What? I’m just supposed to CARRY ON?!”

Okay, focus. Focus.

The final, second-least weird part of this mini multimedia franchise is today’s movie is the animated feature Hercules and Xena: The Animated Movie-The Battle for Mount Olympus or HXTAMTBMO for short. This movie came out in 1998, which I find significant because the previous year saw the release of a certain other, beloved, animated depiction of Hercules. Oh yeah, you know the one I’m talking about.

Oh Golden Entertainment, you utter whores.

Seriously though, while you might be tempted to view HXTAMTBMO as a cheap cash in on Disney’s Hercules there was actually some talent behind this one. It was directed by Lynne Naylor who was one of the co-founders of Spümcø animation (the Ren and Stimpy lads) and who worked on Batman: The Animated Series. It was produced by Sam Raimi, had the main cast of the show on hand to voice their roles and scripting duties were handled by John Loy who wrote for Pinky and the Brain. Okay! Not a bad bench of talent. This could be good? Right? Right?

Sigh.

Guys, let me level with you. I’ve spent four years trying to track this movie down. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about animated movies it’s this; cartoons are like a politician’s tax returns. If someone’s trying to hide them, it’s not because they’re just so damned good.

The movie opens with a musical number sung by five sirens telling the story of how Zeus cast down the Titans told through the motif of the illustrations on a Grecian urn. I dunno, does that sound familiar to you?

Fair’s fair though, first impressions for me were actually quite good. The animation is limited but has this cool, stylised look that reminds me of Genndy Tartatovsky’s early stuff. And the song isn’t bad either. I mean, it’s no Gospel Truth (“Disney’s Hercules has the most under-rated songbook in the canon: Discuss”) but it does a good job of setting up the story. One thing that bugs me though. We get the whole business with Zeus and the Titans and then a run-down of Hercules origin. Know who doesn’t even warrant a mention? HINT: It’s the person who gets rather conspicuously lesser billing in the opening title.

HERCULES! And the other one.

Kind of funny given the relative impact of both series long term. Anyway, the sirens tell us that Hercules was born after Zeus descended from the heavens to take “a mortal bride”.

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh my, no.

Okay, so this movie is more faithful to the original Greek myths than Disney’s Hercules but the same come be said of fucking Downton Abbey. I mean fine, this is supposed to be family friendly and you can’t really have Zeus impersonating his great-grand daughter’s husband in order to commit rape by fraud but “his bride?”. C’mon.

So our story begins with Hercules battling a huge sea serpent for some local villagers who reward him with a lifetime supply of fish. Herc then leaves the village with his lover, Iolaus. What? You think they’re not lovers? Hey Plutarch!

“What?”“Were Hercules and Iolaus just good friends?”“Nah man, they fuckin’.”

There, you calling Plutarch a liar? Oh, funny story (and by funny, I mean incredibly grim). Remember Megara?

In the original myths, Hercules straight up GIVES her to Iolaus when he was still a teenager and she was in her thirties and he became her second husband. Hercules did this because, after Hera had driven him insane and caused him to kill his own children, his marriage to Megara had become super awks.

Until my goddamned dying day I will never know why Disney looked at these stories and thought they would be a good fit for their brand.

Anyway, I’m getting side-tracked by all these mythical digressions because honestly? Very little happens in this movie. Hercules fights the sea-serpent. He gets some fish. Hercules and Iolaus are ambushed by bandits. They beat the bandits. There’s no plot being advanced here, it’s just stuff happening. That said, Kevin Sorbo and Michael Hurst are both surprisingly good fits for animation vocally. Sorbo especially, I’m kinda surprised he didn’t end up doing more voicework.

Anyway, we cut to a seedy tavern where Xena and her girlfriend Gabrielle…oh, you don’t believe me? Plutarch?!

“They fuckin’!”

Thank you. Anyway, the non-platonic gal pals are beating up some satyrs with old-fashioned ideas of romance when Xena is approached by Ares, God of Bros. Ares tells Xena that Hercules is heading to Thebes to visit his mother but that he’s walking into a trap. Ares wants Xena to stop him but Xena isn’t having any of it, telling him that she knows it’s just another one of his tricks. And it was this scene that made me realise…I may actually kinda like this cartoon? There’s a real wit to the facial animation, particularly Ares’ affronted reaction to being called a sneaky bastard.

“I am shocked. SHOCKED, Madam!”

Xena storms out and we see that the tavern she was drinking in was apparently some kind of Ewok bar.

Meanwhile, in Thebes, Herc and Iolaus are doing some farmwork for Herc’s mother Alcmena when the look up to see Zeus flying down from Mount Olympus. Zeus picks up Alcmena and carries her back to Olympus without so much as a by your leave. Hercules sets off to rescue her, but Iolaus points out that Alcmena seemed perfectly happy to go with Zeus which Hercules does not take well, and here’s where the Spümcø influence really becomes apparent.

“JU EEDIOT IOLAUS!”

Oh the way to Olympus, they meet Aphrodite, who warns Herc that he’s not the only one angry about Zeus moving Alcmena into the family home. Hera is super pissed and is plotting revenge because she is sooooo evil.

Yeah, being angry about your husband bringing his mistress into your home makes you the villain. Totally.

Hera demands to know where Zeus has stowed his girlfriend and he shakes his fist at her and yells “You forget to whom you are speaking! I am Zeus! King of the Gods!” and good thing too because otherwise we might well forget. Zeus is a character who’s been played by such cinematic greats as Laurence Olivier, Liam Neeson, Rip Torn and Sean Bean. This performance…is not of that calibre. In fact, I’d go so far as to say this is probably the least impressive Zeus in the history of Western civilization.

Shake harder, Zeus. That’ll show her.

Hera snarls “King of the gods, but for how long?” and Zeus turns his back on her, which is really the last thing you should do to someone throwing off those kinda vibes and when he turns back Hera has made off with the Kronos stone, a massively powerful artifact that was just sitting in his throne room completely unguarded. My, that Hera. She’s a crafty one.

Back on sea level, there’s a massive earthquake and Hercules has to rescue a small boy who’s fallen into a chasm. He holds the massive tectonic plates apart and we get to see animated Kevin Sorbo’s O-face oh joy untrammelled.

While that’s going on, Xena and Gabrielle try and stop some looters and then…a big Indiana Jones boulder just shows up out of frickin’ nowhere. Seriously, it’s just rolling towards them without so much as an introduction. Xena leaps on the boulder which starts rolling towards the looters and she yells “get out of the way!”. But then it hits one of them and she yells “take that!” so I guess she’s trying to brutally murder them now?

“It’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind!”

Back in the village, Herc and Iolaus rescue the child and then watch in horror as a titan named Porphyrion emerges from the Earth. We now get a weird scene where Porphyrion demands that Hercules lets him pass even though he could literally step over him without his ballsack so much as tussling Herc’s perfectly coiffed mane. He tells Herc that he has no quarrel with mortals and that he only wants to kill Zeus. And then Herc makes him promise to leave the mortals alone and only attack Zeus. And then…they almost fight even though they have literally nothing to fight over.

“GAAAR! I FIND YOUR TERMS PERFECTLY FAIR!!!”
“GRRRRR! PLEASURE DOING BUSINESS WITH YOU!!!”

But then Porphyrion just wanders off and summons the other titans. There’s a water titan, a wind titan, a lava titan and my oh my where did they come with such an original concept? Seriously though, I’m surprised Disney’s Titans didn’t take them to court.

“SUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!”

Get it? Because they used to yell “Zeu…” that joke doesn’t work in text, does it? You have to imagine them doing the voice. Imagine them doing the voice and it’s funny.

Zeus tells Ares, Aprhodite and Artemis that the titans are coming to Olympus looking to make trouble. Normally that wouldn’t be a problem but with the Chronostone missing they’re sitting ducks. Hera shows up and reminds them all that there is a prophecy that states that a hero of mortal blood could defend Olympus from the titans and muses that Hercules would be the perfect choice but, oops, Zeus just went and kidnapped his mother so he’s probably not in the mood to help. She then cackles evilly because, let’s be honest, that is pretty funny.

Yeah. Yeah, you earned that one.

Aphrodite goes down to the base of the mountain to try and convince Hercules to put his life on the line to save his deadbeat rapist Dad and Herc is all “No. Hell no”.

Meanwhile Ares and Artemis try to convince Xena to do their bidding but they’re not bothering with any of the “politely asking” shit. They are Greek gods, dammit, and they know that if you want to get something done you have to be a total asshole and also some animal transformation probably wouldn’t go amiss. So Artemis turns Gabrielle into a giant eagle. Not just an eagle, but the most hardcore looking eagle straight of the official crest of the US Department of Badass.

“E PLURIBUS UNUM MOTHERFUCKERS!”

Xena is understandably upset that her bird is now an eagle, and the cartoon now takes the totally obvious path of ramping up the sexual tension between them to eleven. Oh, I am not kidding.

I WILL NOT CHECK TO SEE IF THERE’S FANFIC.
I WILL NOT CHECK TO SEE IF THERE’S FANFIC.
I WILL NOT CHECK TO SEE IF THERE’S FANFIC.

Gabrielle and Xena fly up to Mount Olympus and Xena attacks Ares, snarling “of all the tricks the gods have ever played on mortals, this is the lowest!”

Artemis explains that she was the one who turned Gabrielle into a majestic monarch of the sky and says that if she helps them defeat the titans she’ll turn Gabrielle back and everyone will be happy like at the end of Beauty and the Beast.

This is what we all wanted, right?

Okay, so the titans attack and kick the Olympians’ asses harder than Paul of Tarsus. Zeus, Ares, Aphrodite and Athena flee the burning ruins of Mount Olympus while Xena calls after them “Stay and fight, you cowards!” and damn, wanting to stay and fight on when the the LITERAL GOD OF WAR has wimped out…that’s impressive.

Hercules and Iolaus arrive at Olympus and Hercules finds Alcmena and rescues her, with Porphyrion honourably allowing Hercules to pass unharmed. Xena and Iolaus are cornered by titans, but Gabrielle swoops down and flies them off to safety, leaving Hera and the titans to triumphantly rule over the ashes of Olympus.

Back in Thebes, Alcmena chews Hercules out for not lifting a finger to help save Olympus and tells him that she was there of her own free will which puts Herc in a right snit.

“HARRUMPF!”

They’re interrupted by Zeus and are shocked to discover that he’s been turned into…

“…”“Poppa?”

Well, I wouldn’t be the first Greek to discover Zeus was actually his father. Anyway, turns out that Hera has used the Kronos Stone to turn the Olympians into cute little animals. Iolaus, Xena and Gabrielle arrive and are pretty pissed at Herc for bailing. Alcmena runs off and Hercules finds her crying in a barn. He asks her why she left with Zeus and she tells him that she’s dying but that Zeus offered to take her to Olympus where she could live as an immortal. Herc asks why she didn’t tell him and she says that she knew he’d try to stop her because he’d rather see her dead than with Zeus.

“Because you’re scum, kiddo. You know that. Your momma’s little asshole.”

Back in Olympus we get a song called “We’re the Titans” which I feel safe in calling the greatest animated villain song since “Hellfire”. No, screw it. It’s better than “Hellfire”. Give a listen.

Oh man, you should have seen your faces. We have fun here.

Anyway, Hercules realises that if he doesn’t get the titans out of mount Olympus his mother will die so he decides what the hell. He, Xena, Iolaus and the still-critterfied Olympians fly back on Gabrielle. But Hera hears Xena doing that “Ayiyiyiyyiyiyiy!” thing she does that makes her sound like a chihuahua on fast forward and uses the Kronos Stone to turn the titans into even more powerful forms. This backfires when the titans overpower her and take the Kronos stone. Our heroes arrive, gritting their teeth menacingly.

“Grrrrrrr.”“Grrrrrrr!”“GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!”

Anyway, the movie is clearly about as anxious to wrap all this up as I am so Hercules has the idea of breaking the Kronos Stone which just happens to cause a massive chasm to Tartarus to open up, where the titans shackles dance merrily, animated by the force of pure Deus ex Machina (Demi-Deus ex Machina?).

C’mon, c’mon, we all got places to be.

Herc and Xena knock the titans into the pit, Hera is defeated, Gabrielle and the Olympians are all changed back to normal.

And the movie ends with Alcemena bidding Hercules a fond farewell and leaving him to go live with Zeus on Mount Olympus.

***

I realise this is probably the old Chicken Little situation where I’m still so shell shocked by a truly awful piece of animation that I feel generous towards whatever comes next. Well, whether it’s the linger shadow of the dread Felix or my carpet-low expectations going in but HXTAMTBMO pleasantly surprised me. It’s not utterly terrible. It’s not particularly good either and it suffers from a shapeless, saggy plot and an absence of any real sense of stakes. But the voicework is either competant or hilariously goofy and the animation is never boring and sometimes even quite striking. So we’ll call it a pass.

Scoring

Animation 09/20

Stiff and sometimes janky, but with a bold, evocative style.

Leads 08/20:

Sorbo and Lawless both do good work, but the characters are pretty flat.

Villain 10/20:

Joy Watson gives a fun, camp portrayal of Hera as a raspy voiced harridan that’s about a million times more true to the original myths than the Disney version.

Supporting Characters 08/20

Honestly, the Xenaverse’s version of Aphrodite as a ditzy Valley girl always irritated me for reasons I can’t really articulate. Both Gabrielle and Iolaus are kinda non-entities. Probably the best of the bunch is Ares, voiced with louche insincerity by Kevin Smith.

No, no, no.Yes, yes, yes.

Music: 03/20

I was actually going. to give the music a fairly decent score and then I remembered “We’re the Titans” so that was a close one.

FINAL SCORE: 37%

NEXT UPDATE: 11th August 2021

NEXT TIME: Well well well, look who finally deigned to show her face?

New reviews and Batman article

Hi all, have some links:

Here’s a feature on Sparrow from Bookpage.

A really nice review from Kindig.

And lastly, here’s a guest post I wrote for Sarah Gailey’s blog asking whether Batman should become a period piece.

Enjoy!

CrimeReads Article, Chicago Review of Books Review and Cory Doctorow

Hi all! Here’s some more links (I swear I will be posting an actual movie review soon).

Here‘s an article I wrote for CrimeReads.com about George Smiley, a huge influence on my own character Nikolai South.

Here is a really nice, in-depth review from the Chicago Review of Books for When the Sparrow Falls.

And as a reminder, I’ll be having an in-depth conversation with author and journalist Cory Doctorow about the themes and world of the book on July 10th 2PM, Pacific Time. He’s a fascinating guy, it should be a fascinating talk and you can reserve your tickets HERE.

John Scalzi event and Audiobook sample!

When the Sparrow Falls is finally on sale in the states and we had the book launch last night, very kindly hosted by Kelly of Fountain Bookstore in Virginia with an assist from legendary sci-fi author John Scalzi. The event was recorded and you can watch it HERE.

Also! The audiobook will soon be available and you can listen to an excerpt HERE. Jake Fairbrother did an absolutely phenomenal job of bringing Nikolai South to life and it sounds so, so good.

Book Launch Tonight!

The day is finally upon!

Join me and John Scalzi tonight at 6pm Eastern Time. Admission is free and you can book your tickets HERE.

Upcoming events!

Hey did you know I have a book coming out at the end of the month? (I know, I know, I need to be less shy and retiring about these things). Anyway, I have some really exciting virtual events lined up to launch this sucker.

29th June

Oh yes, THAT John Scalzi. We’ll be in discussion in an event hosted by Fountain Bookstore in Virginia. I wanted to call it “Gettin’ Palsy with Scalzi” but they said no and that’s fine.

Join us at 6pm Eastern Time, Thursday June 29th. Admission is free and you can book your tickets HERE.

10th July

Oh yes, THAT Cory Doctorow. Mysterious Galaxy in San Diego will be hosting this one at 2pm Pacific Time, Saturday 10th of July and you can reserve a place HERE.

27th July

And lastly but by no means leastly, my friends Trilby Black, Daniel M. Bensen and I all have books coming out at the same time so we’re having a joint launch hosted by Magers and Quinn bookstore in Minneapolis on Tuesday, Jul 27th at 5:00 PM IST and you can book tickets HERE. Tickets for this event will be $5 and attendees will receive virtual event access and a $5 off code for use at magersandquinn.com. Attendees also have a chance to win prizes during the event! Follow @magersandquinn or the authors on social media and share our posts about the event, and you’ll be entered to win fabulous prizes!

Tor Article, Nerd Daily Review and Read the Room

Quick reminder:

I’ll be taking part in a virtual panel for Tom Doherty Associates at 6pm TONIGHT

Moderated by Ada Palmer (Perhaps the Stars), Django Wexler (Hard Reboot), Bethany C. Morrow (A Chorus Rises) Aggie Blum Thompson (I Don’t Forgive You) and myself will be discussing Surfing’ the Web: Techno-Summer Reads.

It should be a fun time and you can join in HERE.

I also wrote an article about detectives in science fiction/fantasy for Tor.com and you can read that HERE.

And lastly, here’s a beautiful review from The Nerd Daily (hell, I learned stuff about the book I WROTE IT).

I’m real tired, guys.