Neil Sharpson's Blog, page 9

Guest Post for Crime Reads

I was delighted to be asked back to do another post by the good folk at Crime Reads, and you can read it HERE where I discuss the places where Irish folklore meets horror.

Knock Knock is Out Out!

Just in time for Halloween, Knock Knock, Open Wide is finally on sale in the States at all good and mildly dodgy retailers! What’s that? You want reviews so you can make an informed purchase?

“Transporting readers to a blood-soaked Ireland, Sharpson (When the Sparrow Falls) delivers modern horror at its best. . . . By turns tender and terrifying, sexy and stomach-turning, heartwarming and heartrending, this folklore-steeped exploration of generational trauma is a high-water mark for the Irish horror novel.”―Publishers Weekly, starred review

“Genuinely terrifying, the sort of book you shut away in the freezer at night so it won’t come looking for you. That is, if you can put it down. Knock Knock, Open Wide deservedly places Neil Sharpson at the front rank of modern horror writers. Open wide, if you dare, and read.”―Alex Grecian, New York Times bestselling author of Red Rabbit

“Irish mythology melds with family damage and a decidedly contemporary love story in this deftly told novel. Circling around one of the most terrifying versions of a child’s TV program in fiction, Knock, Knock, Open Wide has a remarkable ability to reveal the cracks in reality which, if we’re not careful, we can be pushed through, landing in a darker-hued reality that huddles snarling beneath.”―Brian Evenson, author of Song for the Unraveling of the World

“Celtic creepypasta Knock Knock, Open Wide is a dark miracle and Neil Sharpson is an infernal bard belched straight out from Hell itself. Your next nightmare has just arrived.”―Clay McLeod Chapman, author of Ghost Eaters

“Reading Sharpson’s latest. . . is like being grabbed unexpectedly. Readers know something feels terribly wrong but cannot get away from the horror and mystery of the story; it simply demands that they understand the truth and reach its conclusion. Irish folklore provides the foundation for this intriguing, otherworldly book about the doors we keep closed, the doors we cannot help but open, the things we cannot kill, and whether the truth is worth knowing in the end.”―Booklist

“Never read me the bit in the farmhouse again or I will divorce you.”- My wife.

Gotham Knight: Deadshot

Studio: Madhouse

Director: Jong-Sik Nam, Yoshiaki Kawajiri

Writer: Alan Burnett

Wha’ happen’?

Bruce has a flashback to his parents death in Crime Alley (just in case you were fuzzy on the details). Alfred asks Bruce when he’s getting rid of his bag of sewer guns and expresses surprise that Bruce even wants them in the house given his history with both guns and sewers. Bruce then casually gives the most ludicrously out of character speech in the character’s 84 year history by waxing poetic about the appeal of firearms: “their heft, their sleekness…”

“Also, I love clowns and I think Superman is just the coolest”.

From that, we cut to Floyd Lawton, aka Deadshot, shooting a target from half a city away from a moving Ferris Wheel. Later, Deadshot is called back to Gotham for a new assignment.

On the roof of the GCPD, Crispus Allen tells Batman that the cops have gotten word that Deadshot has been hired to kill Gordon, and Batman tells him that he has evidence that this isn’t Floyd’s first murdercation to Gotham, and that he killed the community activist who died in Field Test.

Batman tails Gordon through the streets of Gotham with Alfred providing surveillance via satellite. Alfred says that the ideal place for Deadshot to snipe Gordon would be from the railway bridge, but that fortunately he doesn’t appear to be on the bridge and, hah, I mean, it’s not like he’d try to shoot Gordon from the roof of a speeding train right?

“I know people who do things the sensible way and they’re all cowards.”

Lawton takes his shot and Batman…

Batman PUNCHES THE BULLET OUT OF THE AIR.

Shit’s metal as fuck.

Batman and Deadshot battle on the train roof and Deadshot realises that Gordon was just bait and that Batman was his real target all along. They fight, but Batman has already proved that fist beats bullet so he cleans Deadshot’s clock.

Later, in Wayne Manor, Bruce reveals that fighting Deadshot reminded him of the night his parents died (what is a train, if not an alley with wheels?). Bruce expresses doubt as to whether he can ever make a difference but then sees the Bat Signal in the sky and goes to work. It’s probably just some routine bank robbery or something.

How was it?

Okay, apart from that scene this is the strongest short in the anthology so far.

But holy shit, that scene.

Even with Bruce’s caveat that he’d never use one himself, the whole gun speech is just weird. I dunno if you’re aware of this but Batman has traditionally had a somewhat contentious relationship with firearms.

In the first episode of Batman Beyond, Bruce has to resort to using a gun to save his own life. Not even shooting it, just aiming it. And he’s so disgusted with himself that he refuses to every put on the cowl again. And that felt so right.

But, apart from that, this is awesome. The animation is top-tier (Madhouse also did Program, the best animated of the Animatrix shorts) and this is just a great little yarn.

Plus.

He punches a bullet.

What else do I need to say?

Gotham Knight: Working Through Pain

Studio: Studio 4°C

Director: Toshiyuki Kubooka

Writer: Brian Azzarello

Wha’ happen’?

Pursuing one of Scarecrow’s goons in the sewers, Batman is shot and slowly bleeding to death. As he desperately searches for a way out, he remembers his time travelling the world, learning the skills that he would use to become Batman. In flashback, we see Bruce travelling to India to be trained by fakirs in how to overcome pain. But the fakirs reject Bruce sensing he has ulterior motives for learning their ways, which are only to be used for the attainment of inner peace and enlightenment.

“And pussy. Looooots of pussy.”

Bruce’s guide instead hooks him up with Cassandra, a local woman who studied under the fakirs disguised as a boy until they threw her out. Now considered a witch by the local village she agrees to train him. This angers some local youths who arrive at her door in the middle of the night. Cassandra tells Bruce she”l handle it but he intervenes, beating the youths up and driving them off. Cassandra tells Bruce to leave, angry that he didn’t listen to her and that he’s simply made her stock in the village fall even lower when she was in no danger (after all, they literally couldn’t hurt her). Bruce thanks her for her training, and she tells him not to, saying that she wasn’t able to help him deal with his pain because he doesn’t truly want it gone.

In the present, Bruce finds the gun that the young Russian threw into the gutter during Field Test and then finds another and another.

Alfred arrives in the Batmobile and reaches down, asking for Bruce to give him his hand. He sees Bruce, literally holding armfuls of abandoned firearms.

“I…I can’t..”

How was it?

Well well well. If it isn’t Brian Azzarello daring to show his face on my blog after what he did.

But I gotta say, this ain’t bad at all. Firstly the animation is beautiful. Highly detailed, graceful motion, no notes. Best animated short in this thing so far, hands down.

Cassandra is a genuinely intriguing character and Parminder Nagra gives a lovely performance. It’s a slow, meditative short that I remember not really liking the first time I saw it but I’ve warmed to it a lot.

My only real criticism is that some of the “Indian” accents of the other minor characters…woof. Y’all owe Hank Azaria an apology.

But, it looks great, it’s an interesting look at Batman’s early years and, in that final shot of Bruce helplessly holding the guns and realising just how endless the tide of violence in Gotham really is this series has its first, truly iconic moment.

Gotham Knight: In Darkness Dwells

Studio: Madhouse

Director: Yasuhiro Aoki 

Writer: David S. Goyer

Wha’ happen’?

Batman gets called in by Jim Gordon after an entire congregation in a cathedral goes nuts and a cardinal named O’Fallon is apparently abducted by a hulking reptilian man. Batman descends into the sewers to find O’Fallon while keeping in radio contact with Gordon. Gordon tells Batman that the lizard man is Waylon “Killer Croc” Jones who was a patient of Doctor Crane in Arkham. During that time, Crane apparently amplified Croc’s fears to psychotic levels, including his phobia of bats…

“Welp. This backfired.”

Batman is bitten by Croc which infects him with fear toxin but he’s able to beat Croc and proceeds into the sewers where Crane is putting O’Fallon on trial for the crime of giving the homeless of Gotham hope. Batman fights off Crane’s army of mind-controlled hobos, blows a hole in the room by igniting the methane in the atmosphere (don’t think about it too hard) and brings O’Fallon back to the surface.

How was it?

First things first, this feels like Batman in a way that none of the other shorts have so far (Crossfire came closest but Batman is practically a cameo in that). This opens with a dark rainy night in Gotham with the Bat Signal strobing the sky and police sirens wailing like wolves. A gargoyle stirs on a rooftop and is revealed to be Batman, who then dives into the streets below like a vengeful creature of the night.

It’s peak Batman.

And, after three episodes of tackling generic mobsters and one-off supervillains we finally get to see some honest to God FREAKS, with two pretty major rogues appearing.

So, probably the strongest of the shorts we’ve seen so far but I still have issues. For one the animation isn’t great. Characters have tendency to go off model and the mouth animations are really quite ugly and distracting.

Also, the short brings back the weird as hell idea of Batman moving like a smoke monster from Have I got A Story for You. I don’t know if this is supposed to be a visual representation as to how other people see him move, or if it’s just a stylistic choice or whether this Batman is actually supposed to have super powers but whatever it is it’s distracting as hell and I don’t like it.

There’s also (I feel like this is becoming this Shortstember’s unofficial motto) some real some dumb shit here. Batman explores an underground railway that was apparently built in Gotham to transport dead bodies to the city’s various cemeteries. Like…why would you need that? How many people are dying in this city every day that would justify the expense of industrial scale corpse transportation? Is this Gotham or the fucking 40k universe?

And there’s also this little gem of dialogue…

BATMAN: I’ll keep in contact with this. It’s a wireless relay system. Slaved to the communicator in my mask. In case you’re tempted to try and track me with it, don’t bother. Signal are locked with quantum crytology bounced through a dozen satellites. You’ll never be able to follow it.

“Oh, you’re too clever for me, Batman. Of course, now I know you can afford your own satellite system so that does slightly narrow down your possible identity.”

The Dark Crystal (1982)

The Lord of the Rings really shouldn’t work, should it?

Nine hours of wandering around in a made up fantasy world with tons of different factions, fake languages, dozens upon dozens of characters and a story drawing on thousands of years of fictional history, it should be a series that only the most hardcore nerds would have any interest in. So why is it so popular?

I think it comes down to two things:

Complexity resting on simplicity.The Ring is not just a Ring.

The story of Lord of the Rings is fiendishly complicated but it all relies on one very small thing.

Frodo must destroy the One Ring. That’s the key to understanding everything that happens in the movie. Every other character’s story and motivations somehow branch off from that one central spine: Frodo must destroy the One Ring, everyone else is either trying to help him or stop him. Huge complexity resting on something very simple.

So what’s all this got to do with The Dark Crystal?

The Dark Crystal is Jim Henson’s dark fantasy film from the eighties which (get this), failed at the box office and was critically mauled for being too dark for kids but now has a devoted cult following. You know. Because that’s the story of EVERY EIGHTIES DARK FANTASY MOVIE. ALL OF THEM.

Anyway, this movie was Jim Henson’s passion project, his attempt to show that he could tackle darker themes and that muppets weren’t just for kids.

His searing and unflinching look at the issue of intimate partner violence notwithstanding.

Henson’s passion for the movie absolutely shines through in every scene of this, aided by some of the most impressive puppets and animatronics ever committed to film, based on the designs of celebrated fantasy artist Brian Froud, who would later collaborate with Henson on Labyrinth.

Make no mistake, this movie look fantastic. Henson wanted to imagine an entire alien world from the ground up and he succeeded in style. Everything living thing you see in this film was designed and crafted. There are no real animals. And these are such good puppets.

The problem is, Henson makes the same mistake that every novice fantasy writer or game DM makes; prioritising lore over story. If Lord of the Rings is Complexity resting on Simplicity, Dark Crystal is Simplicity resting on Complexity. The main story is as simple as Frodo Must Destroy The One Ring; Jen Must Heal the Crystal. Jen’s quest (and Jen himself for that matter) seems to be the element of the movie that Henson is least interested in, instead drowning us in Podlings and Skeksis and uRu and Gelflings and Conjunctions and more and more lore.

It’s like a play where you’re supposed to be paying attention to the backdrops and not the actors. And sure, those are some gorgeous backdrops.

But it’s probably not a very good play.

Yeah, sorry. Spoilers. I don’t think this is a good movie. There is so much I love about it. The designs, the puppeteering and even some of the lore but I can’t remember being left so cold by such a beautiful film since Fantasia. (You know what, don’t click that link. That was only my third review and I’m pretty sure it’s aged like milk).

The movie begins, as eighties dark fantasy law demands, with portentous narration:

“Another world, another time, in the age of wonder. A thousand years ago, this land was green and good – until the Crystal cracked. For a single piece was lost; a shard of the Crystal. Then strife began, and two new races appeared: the cruel Skeksis, the gentle Mystics. Here in the castle of the Crystal, the Skeksis took control. Now the Skeksis gather in the sacred chamber, where the Crystal hangs above a shaft of air and fire. The Skeksis with their hard and twisted bodies, their harsh and twisted wills. For a thousand years they have ruled, yet now there are only ten. A dying race, ruled by a dying emperor, imprisoned within themselves in a dying land. Today, once more, they gather at the Crystal as the first sun climbs to its peak. For this is the way of the Skeksis. As they ravaged the land, so too they learned to draw new life from the sun. Today, once more, they will replenish themselves, cheat death again, through the power of their source, their treasure, their fate – the Dark Crystal.”

Eh, it’s no “The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it.”

On the other hand, it’s about a million times better than Wizards.

So here’s the skidoo. Jen is a Gelfling, who are basically hobbits with dog faces. Jen believes he’s the last of the Gelflings after the Skeksis slaughtered his entire village. Since then, he’s been raised by UrSu, the leader of the Mystics. UrSu is dying, and he gives Jen a quest; recover a shard of the Dark Crystal from the witch Aughra and then heal the crystal before the three suns are in conjunction or else the Skeksis will rule the world forever. So this brings me to my second big problem with The Dark Crystal; the Ring is just a Ring.

What I mean is, you could argue that Jen’s quest and Frodo’s are very similar; defeat the bag guy by bringing a thing to a place and doing a thing. Frodo must destroy the One Ring. Jen must heal the Dark Crystal. What’s the diff?

I’ll tell you the diff, I’ll tell you the diff right now!

Why do we care whether Frodo destroys the One Ring? Because the Ring is not just a Ring. It’s…well, that’s up to you. It’s sin. Or the atom bomb. Or addiction. Or the corrupting influence of power itself. Of course, we all know Tolkien’s famous quote on allegory.

“I FUCKING HATE ALLEGORY I WISH ALLEGORY WAS A PERSON SO I COULD RUN IT OVER IN MY CAR AND AND HEAR THE BONES SNAP BENEATH MY TIRES…”

But the fact that it works so well as allegory is why the story resonates with so many people.

By contrast, Jen is trying to heal the Dark Crystal because a thousand years ago it broke which caused a race of beings known as the urSkeks to split into two seperate races, the Skeksis and the uRu (also known as the Mystics) and by healing the crystal he’ll reunite them and restore harmony to the land of Thra.

There’s not really any thematic richness there. There’s no allegory. It’s just generic fantasy bullshit.

Another big problem is that, while the movie boasts some absolutely top-tier creature designs, the very best of those designs are either villains or supporting characters. And the weakest are the heroes.

In contrast to the absolute home runs of the Skeksis and uRu puppets, the Gelfings are honestly a little bland and slightly Uncanny Valleyish.

And you definitely get the feeling that the creators had their favourites. Some of the best scenes in this movie ones like the Skeksis having a banquet or sitting around waiting for their Emperor to die where the puppeteers can really revel in just how awful these things are. And those scenes are great! But they’re also largely peripheral to the plot, which is probably why this movie is such a goddamned slog.

Okay, so the master of the uRu and the Skeksis Emperor both die at the exact same time. The Mystics send Jen on his quest to find a witch named Aughra who will give him the crystal shard he needs to do the do. Meanwhile, the Skeksis turn on each other in a vicious power struggle that ends with skekUng the General becoming the new emperor and skekSil the Chamberlain being stripped of his garments and sent into exile.

The Skeksis get a vision of Jen and freak the fuck out and summon the Garthim to find the halfling, I mean gelfling. The Garthim are nightmarish beetle-like creatures that make the Nazgul look positively cute.

They’re probably my single favourite piece of puppeteering in the whole movie. The way the legs scuttle is downright traumatising.

Jen finds Aughra, a three-eyed witch with only two eyes who gives him three crystal shards and tells him that one of them is the missing piece of the Dark Crystal. Instead of doing the obvious and just taking all three he plays his pipe which causes the right shard to glow. At that very moment, the Garthim attack and Jen has to flee, leaving Aughra behind as her lair is set on fire. Which is good, because I can’t fucking stand Aughra.

She’s voiced by Billie Whitelaw (again!) who’s doing this really harsh shouty performance that’s actively unpleasant.

Anyway, the Garthim were followed by skekSil, who sees Jen and follows discretely behind.

Jen meets Kira, another Gelfling who was raised by the Podlings, another race who are like the Gelflings but less gelfy and more podlike.

They’re attacked by the Garthim but are saved at the last moment by skekSil. They find a lost Gelfling city and skekSil explains that there’s a prophecy that a Gelfling with repair the crystal and that this was the reason why the skekSis genocided the Gelflings (as if they needed a reason).

skekSil tries to lure the Gelflings back to the castle, telling them that the Skeksis only killed the Gelflings out of fear but that they can bring peace between the two races. But Kira convinces Jen to refuse because the Skeksis are evil, can only ever be evil and the only solution is unending war. Which is a hell of a message.

Jen and Kira flee from skekSil and try to break into the Skeksis’ castle themselves which goes about as well as you’d expect. They’re captured by skekSil who, by this point, has dropped any pretence of being a nice rotting vulture monster and who hands them over to the other Skeksis who are getting ready for the conjunction of the three suns which they think will give them eternal life.

The Gelflings escape, Kira heroically sacrifices herself to allow Jen to heal the crystal and the uRu and the Skeksis are fused into a single race of beings called the urSkeks, which sounds like a line of roller blades from the late nineties.

The urSkeks thank Jen for restoring them and graciously unfridge Kira for being such a pal. And the movie ends with the circle of life restored or whatever and before we have to consider the deeply uncomfortable question as to whether Jen and Kira should…y’know…

Tough decisions to be made all round.

***

I’m struggling to remember the last movie I saw with so many great and terrible elements existing side by side. Such amazing visuals, such mediocre writing. Not a great movie. More like a fantastic artbook brought to life.

NEXT UPDATE: 05 October 2023

NEXT TIME: Spooky season is upon us! And what better way to celebrate than with a review of *desperately searches backlog for anything vaguely horror themed* ah, that’ll do…

Gotham Knight: Field Test

Studio: Bee Train

Director: Hiroshi Morioka

Writer: Jordan Goldberg

Wha’ happen’?

In the aftermath of the shoot-out between Maroni and the Russian, both mob bosses are now hiding from each other on two coincidentally identical yachts in the harbour.

Bruce Wayne visits Lucius Fox who’s been using the Wayne Industries satellite to spy on the yachts in the harbour without even knowing why his employer wants him to do that.

He also shows Bruce a new machine he’s been working on that generates a forcefield when it detects the sound of a gunshot.

Bruce attends a charity golf tournament held by a shady real estate developer who’s been linked to the death of a community activist. Later that night, he pays a visit to the docks as Batman and pilots Maroni’s boat into the Russian’s. In the middle of the ensuing gunfight, he captures both bosses and gets them to agree to a truce until he can get solid evidence on them. But one of the Russian’s younger hoods tries to shoot Batman which activates the forcefield and he gets hit by the ricochet.

Batman races the kid to a hospital in the Batmobile but when he tries to hand him off to some cops, the kid pulls a gun on them because the WORLD’S GREATEST DETECTIVE forgot he had a gun EVEN AFTER HE ALREADY TRIED TO SHOOT HIM.

Anyway, the kid surrenders and throws the gun down a drain and is taken into custody.

And Bruce returns the forcefield generator to Lucius and says that he’s willing to risk his life, but not the lives of others.

How was it?

Okay, let’s get the extremely bishy elephant in the room out of the way.

That design is honestly a little too pretty for Dick Grayson. Kevin Conroy really leans into it too, I don’t think he’s ever pitched Bruce’s voice as high as he does here.

That aside, the animation in this is probably the strongest of the three we’ve seen so far and if you can get past the fact that Bruce Wayne looks like he belongs on the cover of Tiger Beat and Batman looks like…

…he belongs on the cover of Tiger Beat if they catered to the BDSM crowd it looks pretty good.

The final note where Bruce gives up the device because he won’t risk the lives of others in his war is a very good, very “Batman” character moment.

However, I am irrationally angry that this short depicts Bruce Wayne, the ultimate WASP blue blood, cheating at golf.

Honestly, better that Thomas and Martha died rather than live to see such a thing.

There is also a lot of dumb, dumb shit in this. The fact that Bruce doesn’t disarm the kid before putting him in the Batmobile is such a head-slapper. Like, fine, I probably would have been too panicked and flustered to think of it but I’m not Batman.

But what really cheeses me off is the sheer idiocy of the whole object this short is based on.

A forcefield that activates on the sound of a gunshot would be real nifty if it wasn’t for the fact that a gunshot is actually a little sonic boom because bullets travel faster than the speed of sound.

Well, to be fair. It’s not the kind of thing you’d expect a weapons designer to know.

Gotham Knight: Crossfire

Studio: Production IG

Director: Futoshi Higashide

Writer: Greg Rucka

Wha’ happen’?

We’re introduced to two cops from Gotham’s Major Crimes Unit (MCU), Crispus Allen and Anna Ramirez who’re tasked by Lieutenant Gordon to escort Jacob Feely (the jetpack man from the first short) back to Arkham Asylum.

Since the events of Batman Begins the Narrows have basically been cordoned off from the rest of the city and turned into a big open prison/lunatic asylum Arkham City style. On the journey over Allen and Ramirez argue over whether Batman is a good thing for the city. Crispus, who’s new to Gotham, argues that the police shouldn’t be collaborating with a vigilante but Ramirez, who’s lived in the city her whole life, says that Batman has saved Gotham and made it a safe place for honest cops.

Ah yes. Good old straight-as-a-die-Ramirez. Honest Anna. You sure can trust her with your wife and kids.

They leave Feely back in Arkham without incident and Allen says that he’s leaving the MCU as he’s heard it’s going to peak after Phase 3, I mean, he doesn’t agree with the unit being Batman’s errand boy. Ramirez pulls over to give him a lecture and accidentally ends up in the crossfire…

…between Sal Maroni and another gangster called The Russian. Batman arrives and saves them and Allen learns a valuable lesson about questioning the wisdom of unaccountable vigilantes.

How was it?

Much better. Not great but better.

Firstly, the positives. This short absolutely oozes atmosphere and the music and visuals work well to create a real sense of menace as the cops get closer to Arkham. The script also comes from comics veteran Greg Rucka and feels more authentically Batman than the previous short. Lastly, this:

YES. THAT is how I want animé Batman to look.

As for the flaws, well…the animation is a little ropey at times (I swear one side of Ramirez’s face is larger that the other) and it’s a little insubstantial. I’d have liked Allen’s concerns to have been given a bit more weight and respect. I mean, obviously time is sparse but I’d still have liked to see at least a nod in that direction.

It’s cool that we get these little connective moments between the shorts, but Feely is a completely different character that he was in Have I Got A Story For You?

I suppose my biggest gripe is that, if the purpose of this anthology is to lay the groundwork for Dark Knight, I’d honestly be more confused than anything. I’m not sure if The Russian is supposed to be the same character as The Chechen from DK and I may not not much but I know this:

That don’t look like no Eric Roberts I ever saw. Ah well, maybe he dan’t been cast yet.

Anyway, definite step up.

Barnes and Noble Sale!

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Return to Oz (1985)

At some point in the early eighties someone in Hollywood (possibly Stephen Spielberg) decided that the children must be made to suffer.

I don’t know what it was, but the eighties were an absolute Golden Age for media ostensibly aimed at children that seemed “aimed” more like you’d “aim” a psychological terror campaign against an enemy army.

And atop any list of eighties kid’s movies guaranteed to traumatise your little angels you’ll find 1985’s Return to Oz a movie that I never saw growing up, presumably because my parents knew that if they tried to take me to it the cinema would never not smell of piss again.

My wife, however, has seen it and has kindly agreed to watch it with me…

“Hahaha no she hasn’t. Fuck off.”

‘Till death do us part my ass.

Alright, what is this thing anyway?

1939’s The Wizard of Oz is regarded by many to be the greatest movie Disney ever made, which tears them up inside because they didn’t actually make it. L. Frank Baum’s been dead a long ass time and if you want to make a movie based on his Oz books you just knock yourself out because they’re all in the public domain. But so much of what people associate with the Oz story comes not from the books but from the movie, which is still owned by MGM. Which means you gotta be real careful when making your own movie that you don’t impinge on any of the unique elements of that film like the ruby red slippers or the famous dialogue or Margaret Hamilton’s Wicked Witch of the West or else MGM will send the big lion around to eat your feet.

Of course, Disney would love to make their own direct sequel or remake to the Wizard of Oz but they can’t because a certain company lobbied hard and dirty to ensure that movie copyright in America lasts until roughly the heat death of the universe.

Ah karma. Sweet as mother’s milk.

Anyway, that’s more or less how we got Return to Oz. It’s a sequel based on an amalgamation of two of Baum’s later Oz books that the filthy Oz casuals among you probably didn’t know even existed. And rest assured, if it is shamelessly aping an older film, it’s definitely not Wizard of Oz.

Unrelated image.

It’s 1899 and Dorothy Gale has returned to Kansas and is living with her Uncle Henry and Aunt Em in the half-finished new house that they’re building after the old one got sucked up by a tornado. Now, this movie was actually a Disney co-production with MGM so you could argue that it’s actually a sequel to the 1939 film. But if that’s so, this creates a bit of a continuity problem. Who can spot it?

That’s right/you idiot (delete as appropriate), in the original film, the house never actually gets blown away. Dorothy just dreams it does and when she wakes up it’s still there in Kansas.

Look, it’s the house.

Anyway, things aren’t going so well. The Gales have had to let their hired hands go (he was there, and he was there, but now they’re gone) and are trying to work the farm on their own while repairing the house. To make matters worse, Dorothy hasn’t been sleeping since she came back from her little magical killing spree and is no good for farm labour. She finds a key in the barn with the word “Oz” on it and is convinced that her friends want her to come back. So Em decides to take her to see Dr Worley, a shrink who runs a sanitorium assisted by his nurse, Wilson.

Worley, who seems like a kind old gent, suggests to Em that he leave Dorothy with them for the night so he can subject her to electrotherapy and Em is all “yes, nothing suspicious about that” because a night at home without the kids is all any of us want.

Director Walter Murch had never directed a film before this one and, after its miserable critical and box-office reception, he never directed another (don’t feel too sorry for him, he’s one of the most respected editors and sound designers in the history of film who worked with George Lucas, Orson Welles and Coppola amongst others). And I do want to give him credit here, he is absolutely not trying to ape the original film’s visual style and what he’s created is frankly gorgeous. The scenes on the farm in Kansas have a beautiful muted, autumnal feel and the scenes in the sanitorium are a genuinely great use of location to create escalating dread.

We start off in Doctor Worley’s office and it’s all quiet and homey like visiting your local GP.

But slowly as we move from location to location things just start feeling more off.

So by the time Dorothy is strapped to a table in an asylum during a thunderstorm listening to the other inmates screaming in terror it feels like watching a dream slowly slipping into a nightmare. And yes, I guess “to create escalating dread” is an odd phrase to show up in a review of a movie aimed at children, but eighties whaddyagonnado?

So in the asylum, Dorothy is befriended by a mysterious blonde girl who tells her that Worley has patients locked in the basement who’ve been injured by the machine that he’s going to use on her. The girl helps her escape in the middle of the night and the two of them run out into a thunderstorm, chased by Nurse Wilson. They get swept away by a flash flood and Dorothy clings to a chicken coop that goes floating by.

Dorothy passes out and wakes up on the chicken coop in a lake in the middle of a desert down one blonde girl and up one chicken which was in the coop. She names the chicken “Billina” and realises that she must be in Oz when the chicken starts talking to her because animals only talk in Oz.

Of course, that does raise the question as to why Toto didn’t speak to Dorothy the entire time they were in Oz.  

“She knows what she did.”

Dorothy and Billina go exploring and find Dorothy’s old house. Dorothy shows Billina where she killed the Wicked Witch of the East, presumably so the chicken knows not to fuck with her. She also finds the broken remains of the Yellow Brick Road and decides to follow it to the Emerald City, which she reaches in the next scene.

Think about that. Dorothy and one chicken are able to reach the Emerald City from Munchkin Land in around the a tenth of the time it took her with the “help” of the Scarecrow, Tin Man and Cowardly Lion.

Dead fucking weight, the lot of you.

In the Emerald City they find that everyone has been turned to stone, even the Lion.

“Lawyer up.”

Dorothy searches for the Scarecrow who she left in charge of this place because he seemed like a different kind of politician. Then she gets found by…the Wheelers.

HELLO.

So these fucking cackling carbon-neutral Cenobites seem REALLY interested in getting their hands on Billina. Dorothy flees with Billina into the ruins of Emerald City and meets Tik-Tok.

I’m too old, okay? I’m too old to make a Tik Tok joke. I don’t know the memes. I don’t even know what it fucking does. Here, have a dancing baby. Best I can do.

Fun fact. If that was a real baby it’d be 27 by now.

Tik-Tok is actually a mechanical man (one of the first in fiction, actually) who was the Emerald City’s one man army. And can I just say I fucking love all the props in this movie but especially Tik-Tok.

Dorothy winds Tik-Tok up and he proceeds to kick Wheeler ass like a steampunk Robocop.

“Perhaps you have a hearing problem?”

They capture a Wheeler who tells them that the Emerald City was conquered by the Nome King, who turned everyone to stone. He says that the only one who knows where the Scarecrow is is Princess Mombi so they’re off to see the Princess, the terrible Princess of Oz.

Mombi, in this movie, is played by Jean Marsh (who had something of a groove going playing evil royals in eighties dark fantasy movies). Marsh also plays Nurse Wilson in the same way that Margaret Hamilton played the Wicked Witch of the West and Miss Gulch in the original.

The character herself is an amalgamation of two character; Mombi the Wicked Witch of the North from The Marvellous Land of Oz and Princess Langwidere from Ozma of Oz in a way that’s honestly very effective. Langwidere in the original book is, well, she’s an antagonist sure but a relatively harmless one. She’s a vain, spoiled, headless princess who has a collection of heads of beautiful women that she swops out at will and wants to add Dorothy’s to her collection.

And Walter Murch said “Jesus Christ, that sounds terrifying, let’s make her a proper villain.”

After Dorothy refuses to give up her head, she, Bellina and Tik Tok are locked in a tower. There she meets a living Jack O’Lantern named Jack Pumpkinhead.

“And I…Jack! The Pumpkin King! Have grown so tired of the same old thing…”

Such a great prop.

Anyway, Jack asks Dorothy if she’s his mother and she says no because she’s 10 and that’s too young even in Kansas.

If she’s his mother and she says no because she’s 10 and that’s too young even in Kansas.

He explains that his mother made him to scare Mombi, which worked, but then she got angry and used her “powder of life” to bring him to life which is definitely what I do with things that scare me. Dorothy sneaks into Mombi’s room and steals the powder to bring to life a sofa with the head of a moose called The Gump.

” Oh, in the name of God! Now I know what it feels like to be God!”

The Gump flies them out of the tower and they make a beeline for the Nome King’s mountain. The Nome King is played by Nicol Williamson, who also plays Doctor Whorley and is realised through…well, that’s complicated but for starters he’s a Claymation face made of rock.

The Nome King explains that all the emeralds that made Emerald City were actually dug out of his rock and so he took them back and kidnapped the King of the City, the Scarecrow, as punishment. Dorothy tries to explain that Scarecrow was just the new guy and that it wasn’t his fault. The Nome King offers the group a challenge:

He’s turned the Scarecrow into a small ornament. One by one, they can go into his collection and guess which ornament is the Scarecrow. Guess right, everyone goes free. Guess wrong, you turn into an ornament and it’s the next guy’s turn.

Dorothy agrees and one by one Tik-Tok, the Gump and Jack try and are turned into ornaments. By the way, Billina is hiding in Jack’s head so the Nome Kind doesn’t know she’s there which will be super relevant later on.

REMEMBER THIS CHICKEN.

Meanwhile, Mombi races to the Nome King’s mountain to warn him about the chicken.

With her friends gone, the Nome King shows Dorothy just how he became so powerful:

Given that MGM must have screwed Disney for every penny they were worth to use these, you may be looking at the most expensive slippers in human history.

Yup. The Ruby Slippers that fell of Dorothy’s feet when she was blown back to Kansas. The Nome King offers to wish Dorothy back home but, as she realisies this whole situation came about because of her losing the slippers, decides to enter the ornament chamber. She finds a green gem and guesses correctly. It’s the Scarecrow! Sorry, let me re-phrase that: IT’S THE SCARECROW!

Fuck that’s unsettling. Anyway, Dorothy figures out that the green ornaments are her friends and sets about freeing them one by one. Mombi arrives and the Nome King, furious when he learns that she had Dorothy imprisoned and let her escape, strips her of her powers. He then turns into a fucking NIGHTMARE and goes after our heroes. He catches Jack and is about to swallow him whole.

Y’know. For kids.

But Billina shits an egg into his mouth out of pure terror (did you remember the chicken?) and we discover why the Nome King is so scared of hens: he’s deathly allergic to eggs.

So he starts going to pieces like a frickin’ Nazi opening the Ark of the Covenant screaming “don’t you know eggs are poison?!”

Which of is ridiculous. While it has been established that eggs contain cholesterol, it has not yet been proven conclusively that they actually raise the level of serum cholesterol in the bloodstream.

“So. One of those egg council creeps got to you too!”

With the Nome King killed by random bullshit (an Oz tradition!) his magic is ended and all the statues in Emerald City return to life. The people ask Dorothy to be their Queen but there’s no place like home if you didn’t know. Then, the blonde girl from the sanitorium appears and turns out to be Ozma, the missing princess of Oz. Dorothy gives Ozma the ruby slippers and she tells her that she’ll be able to return to Oz whenever she wishes. Dorothy wakes up by the side of the river and is found by Toto and Aunt Em, who tells her that there was a fire at the clinic and everyone survived except Doctor Whorley, who burned alive trying to save his electro-therapy machine. How thoughtful of the movie to make sure we knew that.

“He burned then and he’s burning now, hon. Don’t you doubt it.”

***

Sometimes listlessly paced but absolutely gorgeous. Incredibly dark but fearlessly true to itself and unafraid to strike out on its own path. Is it as good as the original? Bite your tongue. But it’s definitely a strong movie in its own right. And Fairuza Balk is a fantastic Dorothy, you can definitely see why she had a long career after this.

This one goes in the “admire more than love” category for me but if you love it I absolutely see why.

NEXT UPDATE: 21 September 2023

NEXT TIME: Well, while we’re in the mood: